Original subtitles

[EVANY] (TYPING)

[EVANY] DAMMIT.

[ANDREW] I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO

HAPPEN.

[EVANY] WHAT? HOW?

[ANDREW] I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

[EVANY] THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP

IT FROM HAPPENING?

[ANDREW] I CAN ONLY SEE

THE FUTURE.

[EVANY] OKAY, WELL THAT'S--

[ANDREW/EVANY] STUPID.

[EVANY] OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!

[ANDREW] I KNEW THAT WAS GOING

TO HAPPEN.

[EVANY] THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DID

IT!

[■■]

PICNICFACE, AND WELCOME TO OUR

VERY FIRST EPISODE. WE ARE SUPER

EXCITED TO HAVE A TELEVISION

SHOW, BUT WE SHOULD PROBABLY

INTRODUCE OURSELVES.

[MARK] MARK.

[KYLE] KYLE.

[SCOTT] SCOTT.

[EVANY] EVANY.

[ANDREW] ANDY.

[BILL] BILL.

[CHERYL] CHERYL.

[BRIAN] BRIAN MCCOR...

[ANDREW] IT'S KIND OF BAD TIMING

BECAUSE THIS PLACE THAT WE LIVE

IN AND SHOOT IN IS REALLY

EXPENSIVE.

[KYLE] WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

GET PART-TIME JOBS THEN.

[ANDREW] WELL, I MEAN... WE'RE

NOT GETTING PART-TIME JOBS. WE

JUST BASICALLY HAVE TO WAIT

UNTIL THE TELEVISION SHOW MONEY

COMES IN, I GUESS.

[KYLE] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

EVERYONE WORKING IN CANADIAN

ENTERTAINMENT HAS A PART-TIME

JOB, ANDY.

NAME A PERSON.

[ANDREW] I DON'T KNOW.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER. DOES

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER HAVE A

PART-TIME JOB?

[KYLE] YEAH, HE WORKS AT THE

PASSPORT OFFICE.

[ANDREW] BRYAN ADAMS IS A BRYAN

ADAMS IMPERSONATOR.

[KYLE] FOR TIMES THEY CAN'T

AFFORD THE REAL BRYAN ADAMS.

DAVID SUZUKI CRAFTS STILTS.

[ANDREW] THAT IS NOT A JOB.

[MARK] HEY WHAT DID OUR

ACCOUNTANTS SAY?

[ANDREW] THAT WE'VE GOT TO GET

PART-TIME JOBS.

[BRIAN] WHAT? ACCOUNTANT!

[MARK] IS HE GOING TO WALK ALL

THE WAY TO THE ACCOUNTANT?

THAT'S IN VANCOUVER. THAT'S THE

OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. IS

THAT WHAT HE'S DOING?

[BRIAN] ACCOUNTANT!

ACCOUNTANT!

ACCOUNTANT!

[■■]

[■■]

[ANDREW] MR. MATHESON, I KNOW

THAT YOU ARE IN FINANCIAL

TROUBLE. THIS BOX MAY BE THE

ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEM. IF YOU

PUSH THIS BUTTON, TWO THINGS

WILL HAPPEN. ONE, SOMEONE

SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHO YOU

DON'T KNOW, WILL DIE.

[MR. MATHESON] OKAY.

[ANDREW] AND TWO...

YOU JUST PUSHED THE BUTTON.

YOU DIDN'T LET ME

FINISH.

[MR. MATHESON] UH, SORRY.

[ANDREW] SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE IN

THE WORLD WILL DIE...

[MR. MATHESON] GOT IT.

[ANDREW] DON'T HIT IT AGAIN!

THAT'S THE SECOND... NO, JUST

LET ME FINISH. BUT YOU'LL GET A

MILLION DOLLARS.

[MR. MATHESON] OH.

[ANDREW] YEAH.

[MR. MATHESON] OKAY.

[ANDREW] GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

YOU JUST HIT IT THREE TIMES. YOU

KILLED THREE PEOPLE. WONDERFUL.

[MR. MATHESON] CAN I HAVE MY

MILLION DOLLARS?

[ANDREW] IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

LIKE A MORAL PUZZLE.

[MR. MATHESON] SOLVED.

[ANDREW] NO, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU

SOLVE THE PUZZLE. IT'S NOT THAT

KIND OF PUZZLE.

[MR. MATHESON] I DON'T... I

[ANDREW] YOU JUST KILLED FOUR

PEOPLE...

[MR. MATHESON] OKAY.

[ANDREW] DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

[MR. MATHESON] YES.

[ANDREW] YOU KILLED FOUR PEOPLE.

YOU HIT THAT FOUR TIMES. WHAT?

[MR. MATHESON] IS THAT... SHOULD

I..?

[ANDREW] DON'T HIT IT AGAIN! YOU

JUST...

[MR. MATHESON] ROUND UP?

[ANDREW] ROUND UP TO WHAT?

[MR. MATHESON] FIVE?

[ANDREW] TO FIVE?

[ANDREW] YOU DON'T WANT TO

KILL... OKAY, LOOK. YEAH. HERE.

OKAY? HERE'S YOUR MILLION

DOLLARS. THERE YOU GO.

[ANDREW] WHY DID YOU HIT IT

AGAIN? WHY DID YOU HIT IT AGAIN?

SECOND MILLION DOLLARS, PLEASE.

WAY. YOU JUST GET ONE MILLION

DOLLARS. TAKE IT.

[MR. MATHESON] NO DEAL.

[ANDREW] THAT'S NOT HOW... WHAT?

NO, WHAT DEAL?

[MR. MATHESON] I CHOOSE THE BOX.

[ANDREW] STOP HITTING THE

BUTTON. YOU'RE NOT CHOOSING THE

BOX. YOU DON'T GET THE BOX. THE

BOX ISN'T PART OF THE DEAL.

[MR. MATHESON] OW, MY FINGER GOT

[■■]

[VOICEOVER] HE DUNKS IT!

[EVANY] (SCATTING)

[MAN] THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED

TOMORROW.

[■■]

[CHERYL] ■THAT DAMN CASIO

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND■

■AND I KNOW YOU'VE GOT MY BACK

THROUGH THICK AND THIN■

■AND YOU SING SO SWEET,

GET ME UP ON MY FEET■

■GOT ME SINGING YOUR PRAISES

TO A PRE-SET SAMBA BEAT■

■AND YOU'D NEVER STAB ME

IN THE BACK,

UNLIKE THAT BITCH, SARAH■

■REMEMBER WHEN WE FOUND HER

WITH MY BOYFRIEND IN HER BRA■

■I TOOK YOU HOME

AND WE WROTE A SONG THAT NIGHT■

■HERE'S A LITTLE TASTE

OF WHAT THAT SOUNDED LIKE...■

[CHERYL] (CRYING)

HOW COULD YOU, SARAH?

I'M GONNA KILL YOU...

(CRYING)

[CHERYL] ■C TO THE A

TO THE S, I, O■

■YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I TRUST,

CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

WHO KNOWS■

■ALL THE SECRETS THAT I WHISPER

TO YOU LATE AT NIGHT■

■WHEN WE'RE UNDER MY BLANKETS

WITH A FLASHLIGHT■

■DO YOU LOVE ME, BABY,

CAUSE I LOVE YOU■

■NOW LETS BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN

[JAMESON] GOOD MORNING, SIR.

[MARK] CUT THE CHIT-CHAT,

JAMESON. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

[JAMESON] SIR, I'VE GOT A WHOLE

CAMPAIGN FOR OUR NEW LINE OF

MEN'S PRODUCTS.

[MARK] I'M LISTENING SO HARD

RIGHT NOW.

[JAMESON] RAZORS.

[MARK] LOVE 'EM.

[JAMESON] MEN USE THEM, BUT

HERE'S WHY THEY'LL USE OURS.

WE'LL SHOW A GUY SHAVING, THEN

ALL OF A SUDDEN, BOOM! CHECK OUT

THESE JET PLANES.

[JAMESON] RRROOOOOW.

[MARK] SHAVING. IT'S LIKE JET

PLANES.

[JAMESON] EXACTLY SIR. THIS IS

YOUR PILOT SPEAKING. PREPARE TO

BE SO FUCKING SHOWN...

[JAMESON] ... DEODORANT.

[MARK] SPOILER ALERT. I'M

LISTENING.

[JAMESON] WHY WOULD PEOPLE USE

OUR DEODORANT? OH, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE BECAUSE OUR ADS FEATURE A

LION RIDING A SEADOO.

[MARK] YOU JUST SHIT MY PANTS.

[JAMESON] THANK YOU, SIR.

[MARK] HOW DID THAT LION GET ON

THAT SEADOO?

[JAMESON] THE SAME WAY OUR

DEODORANT WILL GET ON MEN'S

PITS, SIR.

[JAMESON/MARK] MAGIC.

TWEEZERS?

PIZZA KARATE KICKING THE STATUE

OF LIBERTY IN THE TIT SOUND,

SIR?

[MARK] JESUS, YOU'RE GIVING MY

EARS A BONER.

[JAMESON] LET'S FINISH THOSE

EARS OFF SIR. CHECK THIS OUT.

[MARK] IS THAT A HEAD OF LETTUCE

PILOTING A HELICOPTER INTO A

BEAR?

[JAMESON] THAT'S RIGHT SIR.

FLOSS!

[MARK] AMAZING WORK. IF THIS

SANDWICH WERE A WOMAN, I'D GET

IT TO FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW.

[JAMESON] I'LL FUCK THAT

SANDWICH, SIR.

[MARK] YEAH!

[JAMESON] WE'RE MEN.

[MARK] MEN!

[JAMESON] MEN!

[MARK] WE'RE MEN!

[■■]

[VOICEOVER] DUNKS IT,

RIGHT IN THE POOTER!

[■■]

[NARRATOR] IN CINEMA'S

PORNOGRAPHY ZONE, THE MALE

POINT OF VIEW SHOT HAS LONG BEEN

POPULAR, ALLOWING THE VIEWER TO

FEEL THEY'RE EXPERIENCING THE

SEX ACTS THEMSELVES. BUT IN

1978, PORN DIRECTOR CAIN RONSON

TURNED THE TABLES AND THE

CAMERAS IN HIS HIT FILM,

PUMP TOWN.

[BOG] OOOH. YOU LIKE THAT?

[ACTRESS] OH, YEAH... OH, PUT IT

IN ME.

[BOG] OH, I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

[ACTRESS] (GROANING)

[NARRATOR] THE FEMALE POINT OF

VIEW SHOT REVOLUTIONIZED

PORNOGRAPHIC CINEMATOGRAPHY, AND

ROCKETED RONSON TO FAME, ALONG

WITH HIS FAVOURITE LEADING MAN,

BOG MORRIS.

[CAIN] AND NOW WE'RE IN THE

MIDDLE OF PUMP TOWN, AND I GOT

AN IDEA. AND I SAID, UH... WHAT

DID I SAY TO YOU?

[BOG] YOU SAID, WHY DON'T YOU

TRY THIS ONE RIGHT DOWN THE

BARREL.

[CAIN] DOWN THE BARREL.

DOWN THE BARREL. AND YOU KNOW

WHAT? WE TURNED THOSE CAMERAS

AROUND... BEAUTIFUL. AND I SAID,

MORE OF THIS. I WANT MORE OF

THIS. THIS IS ALL I WANT.

YOU KNOW?

[BOG] RIGHT DOWN THE BARREL.

[CAIN] DOWN THE BARREL. DO YOUR

VOICE. DO IT.

[BOG] (DEEP VOICE) OH, YOU LIKE

THAT DIPSTICK, BABY?

OH YEAH. I'M GONNA FILL YOU

RIGHT UP.

WITH PREMIUM. DIESEL.

[CAIN] YEAH. WHERE'RE YOU

LOOKING?

[BOG] RIGHT DOWN THE BARREL.

[CAIN] THAT'S MY BOY.

[NARRATOR] THE FEMALE POINT OF

VIEW SHOT BECAME RONSON'S

HALLMARK, AND WAS USED

EXTENSIVELY IN HIS 1980 HIT, 18

WHEELER.

[BOG] OH YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE A

LONG HAUL.

[ACTRESS] OH YEAH!

[BOG] BREAKER 1-9, THIS IS

PULLED PORK, YOU COPY ON ME

THERE, PIG PEN?

[NARRATOR] BY 1981, RONSON WAS

THE BEST PAID DIRECTOR IN

PORNOGRAPHY, BUT HIS FAST-LANE

LIFESTYLE BEGAN TO TAKE A TOLL.

[CAIN] YEAH, I GOTTA QUESTION

FOR YOU. HOW MANY BROADS... HOW

MANY BROADS YOU TAKE HOME IN A

NIGHT? YOU KNOW? I GOT SO MANY

BROADS, I GOTTA STACK EM. YOU

KNOW? I STACK THEM FIVE HIGH,

AND I JUST GO ONE, BOOM! I GO

UP, GOING UP, AND THEN UP TO THE

NEXT ONE,■AND THE NEXT ONE AND

THE NEXT ONE. THERE ARE SO MANY

GIRLS IN MY SWIMMING POOL, I DO

A CANNONBALL INTO THE

POOL, AND GIRLS GO FLYING ONTO

THE SIDE. IT'S AMAZING.

[CAIN] I ONCE HAD A DREAM I WAS

FUCKING THE MOON. I DON'T EVEN

KNOW IF THAT WAS A DREAM. I

THINK THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

IT'S NEVER GONNA STOP. IT'S DOWN

THE BARREL. IT'S NEVER GONNA

STOP BEING DOWN THE BARREL.

THAT'S LIFE. LIFE IS DOWN THE

BARREL. YOU KNOW? YOU LOOK LIFE

IN THE EYES AND YOU FUCK IT.

WOULD BE ROCKED IN 1982, WHEN

RONSON, AT THE PEAK OF HIS FAME,

WAS CONVICTED OF DRUG

TRAFFICKING AND SENTENCED TO 10

YEARS IN PRISON. IN ORDER TO

FULFILL HIS CONTRACTUAL

OBLIGATIONS, HE HAD HIS 8-YEAR

OLD SON, DUSTIN, TAKE OVER HIS

WRITING AND DIRECTORIAL DUTIES.

HERE'S A SCENE FROM BOOBIES AND

TOOTS.

[BOG] OH, YOUR BAGINA IS ALL

HAIRY, LIKE MY DOG. HIS NAME IS

POOCHINNI.

[ACTRESS] OH. CAN I COME TO YOUR

HOUSE AND PLAY WITH YOUR DOG?

[BOG] OH, I'M GONNA PEE PEE,

WENT PEE PEE.

[ACTRESS] I LIKE YOU. LET'S GET

MARRIED.

[BOG] OOOOOKAY!

[NARRATOR] IN 1985, UNABLE TO

WITHSTAND THE ISOLATION OF

PRISON, RONSON TOOK HIS OWN

LIFE. HE WROTE HIS SUICIDE NOTE

INTO THE SCRIPT OF HIS

POST-HOSTUMOUS FILM, THE FINAL

CURTAIN.

[BOG] I LOVE YOU ALL. AND I'M

SORRY IF THIS DECISION CAUSES

YOU ANY PAIN, BUT I LOOK INTO

THE FUTURE AND ALL I SEE IS

[■■]

[CAIN] DOWN THE BARREL...

DOWN THE BARREL...

[ANDREW] SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING

TO DO?

[MARK] FOR WHAT?

[ANDREW] FOR YOUR JOB?

[MARK] OH, I DON'T KNOW. I'LL

JUST DO WHAT I ALWAYS DO. STUFF

USUALLY JUST SORT OF COMES TO

ME. LIKE TWO SUMMERS AGO, I GOT

MONEY FROM A GUY BECAUSE I LET

HIM SHAVE MY HEAD, BALD. THAT

WAS THE SUMMER I WENT TO EUROPE.

IT WAS FORTUITOUS BECAUSE I MET

A FUN PACK OF BALD GUYS IN

BELGIUM AT A HOSTEL, AND THEN WE

ALL HUNG OUT, AND WE WERE LIKE

"THE BALD GUYS". WE ALL GOT

MATCHING TATTOOS. DIDN'T I SHOW

YOU THAT? MATCHING THROWING STAR

TATTOOS.

[ANDREW] THAT'S NOT A THROWING

STAR, MARK.

[MARK] YES, IT IS.

[ANDREW] NO, IT'S NOT. THAT'S A

SWASTIKA.

[MARK] OH NO. WE JUMPED AROUND A

LOT. ALTHOUGH LOOKING BACK, SOME

OF THOSE JOKES WERE DEFINITELY

NAZI JOKES. WHAT'S WHITE AND

WHITE AND WHITE ALL OVER? A

PERFECT WORLD. YEAH, THAT'S A

NAZI JOKE.

[ANDREW] WHY DON'T YOU TELL THAT

JOKE TO EVANY AND SEE HOW SHE

FEELS?

[MARK] WHY? WHY WOULDN'T I?

[ANDREW] OKAY, WELL MAYBE

BECAUSE EVANY IS JEWISH.

[MARK] WHAT?

[ANDREW] YEAH, SHE'S JEWISH.

DON'T MAKE THAT FACE!

[MARK] NO, I'M SORRY...

[MARK] SO, WHAT'S WHITE AND

WHITE AND WHITE ALL OVER?

[EVANY] A PERFECT WORLD.

[ANDREW] OKAY, THAT'S NOT...

[MARK] MONEY!

[EVANY] MONEY, OH NO...

[ANDREW] WE'RE NOT PUTTING THIS

ON TELEVISION.

[EVANY] WHY NOT?

EDIT IT OUT. I'M EDITING THIS

PIECE SO THERE IS NO WAY I'M

GOING TO PUT THIS IN. MARK, DO

YOU WANT EVERYONE TO THINK

THAT YOU'RE A RACIST?

THIS PIECE, AND RIGHT NOW YOU'VE

GOT A HORSE FOR A HEAD.

[EVANY] NICE.

[ANDREW] WHAT DO YOU MEAN I

[ANDREW] OKAY, SO THIS TANGENT

HAS GOTTEN HORRIFYING. THE POINT

IS, WE REALLY NEED TO GET

[■■]

[PILOT] HELLO, WE'RE FLYING LOW

HERE. HELLO? IT'S COMPLETE

DESTRUCTION. WHAT'S GOING ON

DOWN THERE?

(SCREAMING)

[■■]

(GUNSHOTS)

[■■]

[MARK] YES, YES, OKAY, YES!

(LAUGHING)

[BRIAN] ACCOUNTANT! YOU SON OF A

BITCH. WHERE ARE YOU?

[■■]

[■■]

[INTERCOM] PAGING DR. STATEMENT.

[DOCTOR] MR. DAVIS?

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE A

FATHER.

[MR. DAVIS] (SIGH)

AND HE'S HEALTHY?

[DOCTOR] GOT 10 FINGERS AND

10 TOES. BUT THAT'S ALL.

[MR. DAVIS] OH GOD. NO...

[DOCTOR] (FEMALE VOICE) SOME

[■■]

[VOICEOVER] DOING IT DIRTY!

(GUN SHOTS)

[SERGEANT] ALL RIGHT, MEN. ON MY

SIGNAL WE'RE GOING OVER THAT

RIDGE AND WE'RE NOT COMING BACK

UNTIL EVERY GODDAMN GERMAN IS

DEAD.

[SOLDIER 1] OH MAN. CAN YOU

IMAGINE IF WE ACTUALLY WON THIS

THING? WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF WE ACTUALLY

WON? WOULD YOU BE LIKE, YEAH, WE

DID IT! YEAH, WE WON!

(SHOOTING NOISES)

[SOLDIER 2] YEAH, SURE. YEAH, I

GUESS SO.

[SOLDIER 1] WHAT IF WE WENT OVER

THERE, WE GOT IN THE TRENCH, AND

THEN IT TURNED OUT NO ONE WAS

THERE. IT WAS JUST FLIES. AND

THOSE WERE THE ENEMY! THE FLIES

WERE THE ENEMY, WHAT WOULD YOU

DO?

[SOLDIER 2] I DON'T KNOW. I

DON'T.

[SOLDIER 1] WHAT IF I GOT OVER

THERE AND I GOT SHOT RIGHT IN

THE HEAD, AND I COULDN'T SAY ANY

OF MY SS ANYMORE. WOULDN'T THAT

BE WEIRD?

[SOLDIER 2] YEAH, I GUESS THAT

WOULD BE WEIRD. SURE.

[SOLDIER 1] WOULD YOU HELP ME

OUT?

[SOLDIER 2] NO, I WOULD NOT HELP

YOU OUT. THAT'S JUST NOT THAT

BIG OF A DISABILITY.

[SOLDIER 1] I THINK IT'S A HUGE

DISABILITY.

[SOLDIER 2] NO! KEEP YOUR HEAD

DOWN. THE MOON IS OUT. THEY CAN

SEE US.

[SOLDIER 1] CAN YOU IMAGINE IF

THERE WAS NO MOON. THERE WOULD

BE NO WEREWOLVES.

WEREWOLVES ANYWAYS.

THERE WERE WEREWOLVES?

[SOLDIER 2] NO! THERE'S NEVER

GONNA BE. JUST SHUT UP! WHY DO

YOU KEEP DOING THIS? WHAT WOULD

YOU DO IF YOU ONLY HAD TWO WEEKS

TO LIVE, IF YOU WERE TRAPPED IN

A PLASTER MOLD OF YOUR OWN FACE?

I DON'T KNOW! WHO ASKS THAT

QUESTION?

[SOLDIER 1] I'M JUST CURIOUS.

[SOLDIER 2] WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF

YOUR NAME WAS BEEF SOUP? I

WOULD CHANGE IT!

(GUNSHOT)

[SOLIDER 1] OH! KEVIN! KEVIN! OH

MY GOD, YOU'VE BEEN SHOT! OH MY

GOD.

[SOLDIER 2] I'M NOT GONNA MAKE

IT, MAN.

[SOLDIER 1] YOU'RE GONNA MAKE

IT. JUST STAY WITH ME BUDDY.

LOOK AT ME.

THIS LETTER TO MY WIFE.

[SOLDIER 1] OKAY. LISTEN, KEVIN.

LOOK AT ME. KEVIN, CAN YOU

IMAGINE IF WHEN I GAVE THIS

LETTER TO YOUR WIFE, IT TURNED

OUT SHE WAS AN OWL, WOULDN'T

THAT BE WEIRD?

[SOLDIER 2] LET... ME... DIE.

[SOLIDER 1] GERMANS! CAN YOU

IMAGINE IF I GAVE THIS LETTER TO

THIS GUY'S WIFE AND IT TURNED

OUT SHE WAS AN OWL?! WOULDN'T

THAT BE WEIRD?!

[GERMAN] LIKE A REGULAR SIZED

OWL OR A HUMAN SIZED OWL?

[SOLDIER 1] A REGULAR SIZED OWL!

[GERMAN] YES, THAT WOULD BE VERY

WEIRD.

[VOICEOVER] JESUS CHRIST!

[CHERYL] BASKETBALL.

[EVANY] (SCATTING)

[BRIAN] THAT'S ACID!

[EVANY] ACID? OH GOD.

[BRIAN] DO YOU KNOW THE INTERNET

PASSWORD?

[BILL] YEAH, IT'S RVG987...

[BRIAN] MM HMM.

[BILL] 6...5... 4...

[■■]

[VOICEOVER] PUT A RUBBER ON THAT

[■■]

[BRIAN] ACCOUNTANT!

ACCOUNTANT!

ACCOUNTANT!

ACCOUNTANT!

[■■]

[SOLDIER 1] (KNOCKING)

[OWL] (HOOTS)

[SOLDIER 1] OHHHH! SHE'S AN OWL,

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

[■■]

[EVANY] SO, WE ALL GOT FIRED

FROM OUR JOBS, PRETTY MUCH.

[CHERYL] I LIKE MY JOB.

[EVANY] COOL.

[ANDREW] OKAY, CHERYL, YOU WHAT?

YOU GOTTA PUT THAT AWAY.

[CHERYL] DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL

ME WHAT TO DO, ANDREW! I'LL BLOW

EVANY'S HEAD OFF!

[ANDREW] I GOT IT!

[CHERYL] I'M A RENEGADE!

(DOOR BELL)

[EVANY] OKAY, EVERYBODY, PIPE

DOWN!

THAT WILL BE OUR LANDLORD

COMING TO EVICT US, SO...

[EVANY] OH, HEY MARK. WE

ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE THE

LANDLORD JUST NOW, SO...

[MARK] I AM.

[EVANY] WHAT?

[MARK] YEAH. YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW MUCH MONEY YOU CAN MAKE

WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH

THIS FACE. I BOUGHT THE PLACE.

[ANDREW] AWESOME!

[EVANY] THAT'S AMAZING.

[ANDREW] OH MY GOD, THAT'S

GREAT.

[EVANY] WE WERE SO WORRIED.

[MARK] YEAH, SO WHEN ARE YOU

GUYS MOVING OUT?

[EVANY] I'M SORRY?

[MARK] I'M A LANDLORD. THIS IS

WHAT I DO FOR A JOB RIGHT NOW.

AM I BEING CRAZY HERE?

[EVANY] BUT, MARK, YOU'RE OUR

FRIEND.

[MARK] (EVIL VOICE) NO!

I AM YOUR LANDLORD. I DON'T

KNOW WHAT PART OF THIS YOU

DON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT LET ME

MAKE IT VERY CLEAR: YOU PAY RENT

TO STAY IN THE HOUSE THAT I OWN!

[MARK] OH! MY HEART!

[EVANY] MARK, OH MY GOD.

[MARK] OH! I HURT MY HEART. HELP

ME!

[ANDREW] GET HIM ON THE GROUND!

GET HIM ON THE GROUND!

(SHOUTING)

[MARK] DON'T CALL AN AMBULANCE.

[EVANY] SCOTT, CALL AN

(CHAOTIC SHOUTING)

(AMBULANCE SIRENS)

(GUN SHOTS)

[MARK] (GASP!)

[EVANY] HOW YOU DOING, BIG GUY?

[MARK] BETTER. HEY, LISTEN, I

THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND YOU GUYS

CAN KEEP THE APARTMENT. I GUESS

I HAD A CHANGE OF HEART.

[EVANY] THAT'S SO FUNNY.

[MARK] OKAY, CAN SOMEONE TAKE

CARE OF THIS FOR ME PLEASE?

[ANDREW] NURSE?

[BILL] OH, HEY GUYS.

[ANDREW] BILL?

[BILL] I'M JUST HERE MASCOTTING

FOR ED'S BED PANS. THE REAL

[BRIAN] (GRUNTING)

[■■]

■LATE AFTERNOON

ANOTHER DAY IS NEARLY DONE■

[■■]

■A DARKER GREY IS BREAKING

THROUGH A LIGHTER ONE■

[■■]

■A THOUSAND SHARPENED ELBOWS

IN THE UNDERGROUND■

■THAT HOLLOW HURRIED SOUND