Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(TWENTYONE PLAYING)

* Another wish didn't work out

* Another nothing we can scream about

* All fall down

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)

Wake up, please, sir.

It's calendar day.

Mmm, Lucy.

Forget about calendar day.

* All fall down

Wrong answer, Dick.

* She's so tall with her hands up

(SIGHING)

* I'm so small whenever she's around

* Someday soon I'm gonna tell her but

* I'm not twenty-one

* Another dream didn't work out

* So you found a way to let it out

* All fall down

What are you doing?

It's calendar day. Wake up.

What time is it?

She's gone already, Joe.

One more wasted day.

Not true, Devil Girl!

* All fall down

Come on, baby, be there. Come on, Janey. Come on, baby.

Please, sweetheart.

She's probably got some gorgeous man's face

in an unspeakable place.

Oh, Lucy, come on. Come on.

Yeah, hello.

My girlfriend Jane.

So who...

What's that, right there?

What's goin' on?

Oh, that's, uh... That's... That's nothing.

That's... That's just her brother.

That's her, uh... That's her... That's her gay brother.

What's her gay brother doing to her?

Because I, I don't have my glasses. I can't see.

Oh, my god. Why, that's just... Oh.

I mean, that should be illegal.

You just can't have naked men wandering around.

That's just disgusting.

LUCY: So, Joe,

don't you think that this, this painting

you've done of Jane here

in the kitchen is a tad incomplete?

That there might... Joe?

Okay. I, I can't really hear any assholes talking!

* And if she, and if she comes again and scares me

* I'm gonna conjure up a prayer to be stronger

LUCY: Okay, Dick.

Rise and shine, and leave.

DICK: Come on, Lucy. It's Saturday. Let's snuggle.

LUCY: Come on, dick.

Here's $5, all right?

* I'm so small whenever she's around

Go buy yourself a nice breakfast.

* She's so tall with her hands up *

Al.

My best friend! I love you!

I love you!

Joe! Get the hell off me.

I'll be right back.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Dick, Richie, Rich, Ricardo.

DICK: Joe, have you seen my shoe?

Have I seen your shoe? No.

Come on, Lucy, man, let's do this.

LUCY: You all dressed?

Uh... Well, my, my shoe.

Oh, you can get it next time.

You are too brutal, Lucy. Give the guy a break.

Bye, Dick. Have a nice time.

I'll call you.

You know, you're doin' it again.

What am I doing?

Mushing my head out the door.

Could you not mush my head out the door?

I wasn't mushing you. You were leaving.

I can't take this anymore.

Lucy, I want you to decide.

After two and a half years of sleeping with you,

uh, goin' to dinner,

um, uh,

not seein' anyone else, meeting families,

I think I... I... I think I may have given you a ring at one point?

Am I... Are we... Uh... Do...

Are we boyfriend and girlfriend, or no? That's it.

Let me see.

Oh, Lucy. Not the hug test again.

No, Dick.

What?

No.

Oh. I...

Bye, Lucy.

Goodbye.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Bye, Dick.

LUCY: Missed a spot.

What is up with that guy, Lucy?

Dick? You know, Dick is Dick. We're friends.

Listen, did you guys used to, uh...

We used to.

Did you, uh...

Did you go down on him, or...

Sometimes.

Really?

Listen, I was wondering, do guys like that better than...

Definitely.

Really? Absolutely.

You'd take that over that?

Any day of the week.

Huh.

(SIREN WAILING)

Listen,

(SIGHS)

Does he have a, uh, a big, uh...

Mmm. It's average.

Bigger than me?

Well, I don't know. I've never...

Yeah, you have. After I take a shower.

Yeah, but never in its full...

About 10.

Five.

No.

(CHUCKLING)

I said 10.

Five. Guys always double it.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

So if, uh... If I had said, uh, six...

Three.

Really?

Mmm-hmm, three.

Jesus!

I know, uh... I know a lot of guys that say six.

Three.

(SIGHING)

Joe?

Yes?

Remember that death pact that we made in college?

Excuse me?

The death pact that we made in college.

No.

That guy, Billy Gash, had just dumped me,

and that girl that you were so mad for,

she wouldn't even look at you, talk to you or anything.

Her name was, um, Betsy or, uh...

Belinda!

Belinda Slaughter. I was completely in love with her.

She wouldn't even look at me.

I know.

I was devastated.

I know.

All right, Lucy. What did we say?

That if, uh... If we didn't have wonderful, intimate relationships

with serious familial possibilities by the time you turned 30,

we would kill ourselves?

Yeah!

(CHUCKLING)

I am so happy to be an adult

and not have to suffer through painful nights like that.

Yeah. That was pretty bad.

(CHORTLES)

Can you believe that? A death pact?

I know.

How old are you now, anyway, Lucy?

What are you, like... You're like, what, 26, 27?

Nope. 29.

When's your birthday? It's like, uh, November 20th?

March 1st. We have one month to go.

What?

Joe, we are two disgruntled people,

dissatisfied with our present lives.

Now, all I'm sayin' is that we should kill ourselves to get ourselves going.

Okay, okay, Lucy? I'm going.

I don't need to die, okay? I'm already going.

No, you're not going, Joe. And neither am I.

The world is a scary place.

It's becoming painfully clear you're the most scary thing in it...

Joe, Joe, listen to me. Listen.

We can't waste any more time.

You have to meet somebody by the time that you're 30

so that you're together for a few years,

so you know you have staying power in the relationship

so you don't mess up your children with divorce.

That makes you 33 by the time you have your first kid,

which is the perfect age,

because then you don't hit menopause until that child is at college.

Any other plan is a disaster, and that's why we agreed on the pact.

Lucy, come on!

All right, we're coming. Hold on.

You stay there, kids.

Now, we both believe in God and reincarnation and all that stuff, right?

Yeah. Of course. Okay.

So why bother playing out the rest of a sad life?

Divorce, unhappy children, unrealized ambitions.

We're going to say, "If we don't hit it in 28 days, we just end it."

Let God start fresh with us.

It's selfish of us to think any other way.

CHILDREN: Come on, Lucy! Come on!

(YELLING)

Look, I don't want you kids listening to her any longer. She's no longer stable.

Shut up, Joe.

Be quiet!

Thank you. Okay. Who's first?

Mmm, I think...

Eddy.

I like this guy Billy, but I'm too afraid to talk to him.

Send him a note and tell him exactly how you feel.

20 cents, please.

Oh, okay. I'll take it in a second.

Okay. Let's see. Who might be next? Sam, please.

I left a tooth under my pillow and the tooth fairy only left me a quarter.

Okay. You go to your mother, and you say,

"Mommy, if this is all the tooth fairy can afford,

"I think she needs it more than I do."

15 cents, please. Thank you.

I can't believe you take money from these kids.

They like giving it to me. It makes them feel like adults.

All right, kids. Class time.

(SCREAMING)

You have therapy now?

Yes.

Thank God.

Come on, you little creeps! Get in there!

Get in there, you nutty kids!

I have nothing to say.

Don't you think that this whole process

is about getting to your feelings of ambivalence?

Look, what I say isn't important. It's what you say.

I'm sure that's what you think.

But I have nothing to say.

And I think we're out of time.

Ooh.

All right.

(SIGHING)

I might have something to say.

Well, maybe you can say it next week.

Maybe.

Mmm.

Thanks, Lucy.

You've been a great help.

Uh, Picasso.

Molly.

Hmm.

People with heads like water balloons

and eyes in the middle of their faces?

Sweet. Very nice.

Oh. A tough one for our little expert over there.

Gauguin. Emily.

That really gross guy who sent his ear in the mail to his brother

and then he killed himself.

No that's close, though. That was Van Gogh, Gauguin's best friend.

All right, listen. Pair up, all you little munchkins, and, uh, start painting.

Come with me! Come with me!

TED: I called again.

I can't believe I called again,

making my lover my authoritarian parental scapegoat,

thus digressing in my analysis.

This clear, sort of Edwardian, mystical martyrdom that I...

Did you just yawn?

Am I boring you?

Oh, well, I'm so sorry my problems bore you, Lucy.

Yes, you do bore me, Ted.

This story of yours bores me. Every week, for an hour, it's the same thing.

"I didn't want to call. He made me feel like shit.

"It made me feel like shit, but I called."

It bores me.

Well, it bores me, too!

This ultimate Faustian prison.

I want to stop. Why the hell do you think I see you?

I don't know. Maybe you're bored?

I look at the phone. I stare at the phone.

Then I pick up the phone. I feel I am the phone.

I'm imprisoned by the phone.

BOTH: Therefore, I am a prison,

with the phone as my bars.

(SIGHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GLASS TINKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Where's your partner?

No?

Couldn't find a partner?

(JOE SIGHING)

Man, I know how you feel.

I don't have a partner, either.

Do you wanna be my partner?

Really? Uh-huh.

You serious? Uh-huh.

All right.

What do you wanna paint? A rainbow.

Yeah? Mmm-hmm.

All right.

(COUGHING)

Start with what? A little red over here?

(GLASS CRUNCHING)

(SIGHS)

Who would...

A person could...

Oh, goodness. Who would leave this phone here like this?

God!

(DOOR OPENING)

Hi.

Hi.

How was class?

Okay.

Good.

Do you think you help people in therapy, Lucy?

Well, I try.

I think it's possible.

The pain of these little kids sometimes is, uh...

Just, uh, makes me sad.

Another deep-painting-subject day?

Why do you always do that?

Why do you act flippant about things that are important to me?

You've reconsidered the death pact, I hope?

You are so afraid that I may be right

you will not answer one simple question, will you?

What I really hear you saying is that you're frightened about something, Joe.

So, do you want to tell me about it

or do you want to continue to project your fears onto me?

I'm not projecting shit.

Why do you act flippant about things that are important to me?

Well, I don't feel that I do.

Well, I'm telling you, you do.

Well, that's your perception.

It's not perception, Lucy.

You make me feel like shit

when you act like you don't care about things that are important to me.

Period. That's how I feel. That's no perception.

What, is this about Jane? Are you having a crisis about Jane?

Because I could understand... If I were celibate,

if I were saving myself for five years for somebody.

If I was obsessing over somebody for five years

and I didn't even have the courage to speak to them,

I can imagine that I might be in a bit of a crisis about this person.

You just have a glib little response for everything, don't you?

You're, like, in this little, protected shell.

You hide behind your smug, pseudo-intellectual, you know, psycho-babble humor.

I mean, you wanna talk about being afraid, Lucy? Why don't we talk about Dick?

Why don't we talk about two and a half years of you hiding behind Dick,

a man that you don't give a shit about,

you could care less about how he feels,

and turned down everything that's come along.

I mean, if you want to talk about being afraid, Lucy, forget about me.

I mean, let's talk about you.

If everybody weren't afraid, Joe, then nobody would know

how nice it feels to be safe.

All right, Lucy. 28 days.

I'm gonna talk to Jane.

You're gonna go out with anyone that asks.

At the end of this month, if nothing changes,

you and I jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Fine.

Fine.

(WHISTLING)

LUCY: This is it. You take it. I can't look at it.

Oh, my god!

All right. "The New York City Board of Education

"is pleased to inform you that, having met the necessary requirements...

"B.A. in Education." Yeah, we have that.

"Recommendations, commitment of enrolment." We have that already.

"Your application has been accepted." Oh!

"Just answer the following questions," blah, blah... What questions?

They're tryin' to tell me that they're gonna give us our school!

What are the questions, Joe? What are the questions?

Uh, "What is your projected teaching philosophy?"

Progressive but honest.

What, like teaching kids how to kill themselves

if they don't have boyfriends by 4th grade?

That's not fair. Taxi!

When do we actually get the building to put our school in?

As soon as we get the money.

When do we get the money?

Right now. Simon. Excellent.

(TAXI TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCOFFS)

"Bwick Elias." Yeah, whatever.

SIMON: How's Joe?

LUCY: He's terrific. He's good.

He still infatuated with that woman who lives across the street?

(SLURPING) Mmm-hmm.

Did you hate grade school, Daddy?

No. Did you?

Yeah.

Oh!

And actually, that's what I, I sort of wanted to talk to you about.

See, I've really been thinking a lot...

Well, actually, Joe and I were talking about...

What?

(SIGHS)

Come on, Lucy. No, never mind.

What?

Nothing. Nothing. Really, it's nothing.

You got your stuff in to Harvard, right? Mmm-hmm, yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

You know, Mom used to tell me that if I...

If I sat here on this mushroom and I wished really hard,

that Alice would take me to Wonderland with her.

Yeah? Yeah, but I would get really discouraged.

I must have come here after school every day for months,

and I would stand here and...

Actually, I'd sit right here, desperately hoping,

you know, wishing.

Nothing. She never showed. Then one day, this...

By the way, I have, um... I have some mail for you at the house.

You know, they keep sending it to my address.

Well, you can have it forwarded to me.

Sure.

Well, it's great seeing you. You look terrific, sweetheart.

Thanks.

I love you.

See you next week.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

(SIGHING)

Bye.

(ORDINARY PLAYING)

* Grabbed my favorite dress

* But it's so ordinary

* So I slashed my jeans

* Yeah, yeah my hair's a mess

* It's very arbitrary

* Pass the scissors please

* He said

* "Baby, I think you need a long vacation"

* I said

* "I think I need a little levitation"

* I'm the only one

* I'm the only one

* Spinning like the barrel of a shotgun

* I'm the only one

* In an ordinary life

Fuck.

You're mine!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SIGHING)

Any guy.

You look very pretty today.

(CHUCKLING) Oh.

Thank you.

You look like an idiot.

Excuse me?

Savant!

I meant you looked like an idiot savant.

I mean, I think you have, probably, I believe, savantian qualities.

I think we all have savantian qualities. I just...

May I take you on a date tonight?

Food for thought. Ooh! Gotta run.

Maybe I'll see you around. I...

Tomorrow night, 8:00?

Great.

(BALL THUDDING)

Oh, fuck.

(PANTING)

Okay, okay! Okay.

(WHISPERING) Fuck.

JANE: Hey, Al.

Good morning.

How you doin', buddy?

(AL CHUCKLING)

She's in there, right?

No, she's not in there.

Oh, come on. You saw her go in.

No, I didn't see her.

I'm gonna talk to her today.

Yeah, I heard that before.

You are my best friend, man.

Yeah, yeah. I love you.

Yeah. I love you too. Yeah, yeah. Eat shit.

Okay, here we go. Good.

How you been?

Good. And you?

Fine. Long time no see you.

Uh, tell me something. Do you... Do you reckon these things really work?

Just talk to her, man. You gotta fuckin' talk to her!

What are these for? Ginseng.

They is for men.

What does it do for men?

You know.

Okay. What does it do for women?

You just walk over, and you talk to the woman.

Okay? It's not a big production,

it doesn't have to be all dramatic all the time.

You just walk over and you...

And you die.

You walk over and you die, because you're so...

(EXCLAIMS)

Here you go. See you.

Thanks, guys. Have a good one.

Bye-bye. Bye.

(EXHALING)

Hi!

It's bad.

AL: (LAUGHING) "Hi!"

Shut up!

AL: "Hi!"

(AL LAUGHING)

(AL COUGHING)

JOE: Look, Lucy. Come on.

I said I'd kill myself up here with you in three weeks,

the least thing you can do is do my picnic thing.

I mean, we might as well get used to the place, you know?

What if people see us? I hate this, Joe.

I'm freezing. I'm very cold.

Lucy, I think if we jump, people are gonna see. You know what I mean?

Hot chocolate? Thank you.

So you were telling me that you spoke to Jane?

Uh, yes. I did.

Really? What'd she say?

Nothing. She had left the deli already.

Oh, Joe.

Come on. It was close, Lucy.

Anyway, listen, I don't know what I was thinking. I thought of a genius plan.

What's that?

I have an art opening. I invite her. She comes.

She sees how huge I am. She's mine.

Oh, that's very sweet.

You know me, baby.

(CHUCKLING)

This is nice.

Thank you.

It's pretty.

(SIGHING)

Joe?

Yeah?

Would you drink my spit?

Oh, come on! Can you just take your weird survey somewhere else? Please.

Please answer the question.

All right. I'm gonna answer your question,

but this is the last time I ever want to talk about this.

The last time. Forever.

Okay. You swear?

All right, now, what are you talking about?

You know Mother Teresa and the missionaries, they drink the lepers' spit?

Yeah.

I was just wondering if you'd drink mine.

Now, now, how would we actually do it, again? I mean, you would just...

I would just open my mouth and you'd just spit right in there?

Or would you spit in a cup and I'd just drink it out of a cup?

No, no. I'd be, like...

You know, I'd pucker my lips, and I'd gather the spit in my lips like this:

(SLURPING)

Like that, you know? And then you'd kiss me, and you'd suck it up.

Um...

No, I don't think I'd be interested in that.

Really? Yeah.

What, you don't love me enough?

Of course I love you. It's not that.

But you, you don't really want to kiss me.

You're gorgeous. I'd make out with you right now.

I just don't wanna drink your spit.

Well, when people kiss a lot, they basically drink each other's spit.

I know. But that, that's different.

That's involuntary mutual spit exchange.

Huh.

(SIGHING)

I have a date tomorrow night.

What? I have a date tomorrow night.

With who?

Just this really cute idiot-savant guy I met.

What, he started... He started talkin' to you?

Where? Like on the street or something?

In a coffee shop.

And you liked him?

Mmm.

No, but you had to go out with him 'cause of our death pact!

(LAUGHING) I told you it would all work out!

I love this life! I love it!

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Hi.

Hi.

Well, thanks for walking me home.

Oh, please. It was my pleasure.

I had a wonderful time.

Yeah. It was fun.

So give me a call next week or whatever.

I'd like that.

(WHISPERING) Good.

May I use your bathroom?

Sure. It's that door, right behind you.

Thanks.

SPORTSCASTER: In sports, the Nuggets just got by the Knicks, 114 to 112.

The Lakers had no hope against the Rockets...

(SIGHING)

JOE: So tell me about your date last night.

Well, he was very nice. He was a perfect gentleman.

He took me to dinner and, and dessert and cappuccino, and...

Then he walked me home, and...

Yeah?

And then, then...

Well, he went into the bathroom, and he didn't come out

for a very long time.

He went into the bathroom,

and he didn't come out for a very long time.

Huh.

Well, like, like how long? Like, like, how long was he in there, like an hour?

Mmm, like 20 minutes.

Really?

All right. Go ahead, go ahead. Come on. go ahead!

It was... It was nothing. It just was strange.

What happened in our bathroom? Were there gesticulations? I mean, were...

No! Did you hear noises?

He just went to the bathroom. That's all. It was nothing. It just seemed odd to me.

He just went to the bathroom?

Yes, that's all. See? Just weird.

What, number two?

Oh, Joe! I don't want to talk about this anymore!

Wait.

He took some stanky shit in our bathroom?

Is that what you're trying to say? Oh, my god!

That man took you out for dinner,

bought you a cappuccino and everything,

and walked you home, perfect gentleman,

went into our house, into our bathroom, stayed there for an hour,

taking some stanky, foul-smelling shit,

and then just... Then just left.

(LAUGHING)

That is so disgusting. I can't believe that.

God! What is that...

(PANTING) I mean, what is that about? I mean, was he, like,

trying to leave his mark? I mean...

God!

(GROANS)

(GIGGLING)

You gonna see him again?

Yeah. Yeah.

You probably would. You are gonna see that guy again, aren't you?

You're probably seeing him right now.

(GIGGLING)

JOE: * Oh, Jane

* How the hell will I get you

* To my opening?

* Will you send me away

* Oh, Jane

* Will you kiss me and stop me

* From jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge?

* 'Cause I need...

* Need you to...

(CAR HONKING)

(SIREN WAILING)

I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time now.

No, I... I don't put menu.

You don't put menu?

No, no, no.

What would this be, then, sir?

I don't know.

You don't know what this is? No, no.

Oh. You don't know what that is.

That's menu! That's menu.

No, no. Not a menu. No.

Oh, just...

All right, good. Fine.

(PANTING)

What? Don't wave at me.

I'm in a whole other league here, baby.

Whole other league!

(SPITS)

What the... What're you doin'?

Run normal!

Okay. This would be the path where normal people run, sir!

Okay? The weird triathlete training complex is somewhere else.

Okay?

Run normal here.

Okay, get off my path! Get off it!

Oh. Oh, pretty fast, huh? Huh?

Run around the block, huh? Who couldn't run around the block?

You don't think I can run that fast running around the fuckin' block? Huh?

Try runnin' 15 miles. Huh? See how fast you run that!

Huh? Fifteen...

* Suntan lotion, baby * Suntan lotion, baby

I'm gonna shoot you in the face if you don't stop. Now...

* Gotta look sexy Get off me, you maniac!

Get the hell away from me! Get out of here.

* ...for the girl tonight

* Gotta look sexy for the girl, tonight

* Gotta look good for the big date tonight, kids

* Suntan lotion, baby

Gentlemen. How are you today?

I'm beautiful. How are you? Fine.

Listen, I'd like to purchase some suntan products.

S.P. factor?

Excuse me?

S.P. factor?

Uh, no. That's okay. I'll just have suntan lotion.

What sun protection factor do you need?

Oh, sun protection factor. "S.P." Sun protection.

Yes.

I don't know, what do you guys suggest?

For you? Yeah.

30. 30?

Yeah.

Give me a four. Actually, better yet, gimme that deep, uh,

that deep-tanning tropical oil.

That's only 2. Excellent.

At least get the total sun blocks for your nose and lips.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Whatever the fuck it is you think you're doing, do it away from me.

Al.

Why can't we just love each other?

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Come on, Joe.

We have to be there in half an hour. We're gonna be late.

I'm not going.

Oh, please, Joe. Come on, will you just...

Will you let me see it, at least? Just lift your chin a little...

Five years I wait to meet Jane.

Five years.

(SIGHING)

Will you let me see it? Can I look at it?

I'll tell you if you should worry or not.

No. Just lift your face.

Come on. We have to go.

Please?

It's... It's not bad. I... I barely see anything.

Lucy, come on! You...

It's so minimal.

You barely...

The white... The white ring, I'm talking about.

I know what you're talking about, and it's nothing.

No one's gonna even notice it. It's totally... It's fine.

No one'll notice it?

Uh-uh.

Doesn't look weird?

No.

It's gonna be fine. Come on, let's go. You have to get dressed still.

(SIGHING)

Okay? You're gonna look great. Don't worry about it.

What if I put some makeup on?

No, don't put makeup on. Do not put makeup on.

You're gonna look great. Just leave it alone and let's go.

All right? Get dressed. All right, all right. Thanks, Lucy.

LUCY: Mmm-hmm.

I'll just be a sec.

JOE: How am I gonna explain? What was I thinking?

How will I explain to her that she's in all my paintings?

She's gonna think I'm a, a freaky peeping tom freaker. Freakman.

LUCY: You're the only one that can see that, all right?

You're saying you can't see my girlfriend, Jane, in that painting right there?

You can't see Jane in this painting? In that painting?

Jane kissing God. Jane and the elephants.

Jane and the Jane. The big-love Jane.

You can't see that in any of them?

What about that one? You see her face there, her clothes?

She has clothes?

All right. Great, fine.

No. Oh, good, fine. Okay, good.

No one can see. Only me. Only me. Okay, good.

What is wrong with you?

Boy, this is stupid. This is dumb.

Relax!

Interview loves it. And I think the Voice does, as well.

Whatever!

It's over 50% sold, Joe!

Whatever, Rene. I mean, the girl's not coming. It's just dumb.

Joe. Joe!

MAN: This one I'm going to buy.

LUCY: Really?

Yeah, I think it sums up the historical sexual struggle

so completely that it's inspiring.

So you would consider yourself...

"Limp cock man"? Yeah. Proudly.

(WHO'S LEAVING WHO? PLAYING)

* Maybe they'll start to believe it

* Who's leavin' who?

* Who's leavin' who?

* If I'm leavin' you

* And you insist that's true

* Who's the fool?

* You say my eyes are too blue

* I used to listen to you

* Some things I know got rearranged

* Let me out of these sugar chains *

Jesus.

Lucy. Lucy. Lucy...

Oh, my god.

Oh...

Excuse me.

LUCY: Okay.

Do you know where I can find Joe MacGonaughgill?

Oh!

You're... Jane.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, Jane, I know. I know lots of Janes.

Well, I... I'd... I don't know lots of Janes,

but, I have one very good friend named Jane.

That's nice.

Wow.

You really are pretty.

Thank you. Thanks.

I mean, you look fantastic. That, that, uh...

Your dress is pretty.

So I think that... I think Joe is... Oh! Yep, there he is.

Good.

So... Okay.

Joe.

This is Jane.

Jane Lindquist.

Hey.

Joe MacGonaughgill. It's good to meet you.

I see you met Lucy already.

Yeah, we met over there.

I have herpes. I...I mean,

I...I don't get it downstairs, you know, I just get very, uh,

violent herpetic outbreaks on, on my mouth.

I wanted to look, you know, especially nice for...for the opening tonight.

So today I did this, like, tanning thing.

So I, I put this sun block around my mouth

especially, so I wouldn't get, uh, any cold sores.

I, uh, I...I didn't... I didn't get any cold sores.

I did get this ridiculous white ring around my mouth, though,

which, uh... I didn't notice it.

Here's the thing. See, I'm aware

that you find me extremely attractive.

There's a... There's a... There's a heat.

You know, there's a thing.

And, uh, I know that this might be sort of eating into that moment a bit.

Sort of eating into that...that thing, you know.

But I want you to know that it will go away soon,

and I will go back to being the incredibly dashing,

handsome, you know, Newman-Brando-esque, you know,

looking, uh, guy.

Shh.

BWICK: Excuse me.

I'm Bwick. I've been watching you.

I know you see me, us, together tonight.

Don't think here.

I want to go out now with you all around the city, just you and me.

I want to paint you, innocent,

us, out, joyful, good,

pleasant, deep.

He's, uh... He's Bwick. Bwick Elias. He's a... He's a painter.

You paint, right?

I... I... Art.

Okay. Oh.

You'll be all right, Lucy. He's harmless.

Okay. So then I guess that, uh,

Bwick and I are just...

Out. ...out, and...

Night and, and... And light. Us.

And asphalt and, and... Lighting.

All right. Fine.

Well, congratulations, Joe.

Thanks, Lucy.

Hey, listen, uh, Mac...Knockadick?

Excuse me?

MacKnickknack. MacDick...trick?

MacDicka... MacDickatrick?

MacGonaughgill.

MacDonaughgill.

MacGonaughgill. MacGonaughgill.

Joe MacGonaughgill.

MacGonaughgill. Joe...MacGonaughgill.

You have a, um,

art show.

Good. Okay.

Thanks so much.

LUCY: Bye.

I love your paintings.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

Can I ask you somethin'?

Yeah.

Are you involved with anyone?

Yes.

Who?

Him.

Really?

He does have quite a limp dick,

but he gives the best damn head I've ever had.

Ouch! Good.

That's not good. That makes me feel not good.

Ring the bell,

make a wish. $20 more and I get a room

and dinner tonight.

But please, anything will do.

Your wish'll still come true.

(BELL RINGING)

Ah. Oh.

(BELL RINGING)

You wanna try?

Sure.

That's the way to do it.

Thanks.

(RINGING)

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Thank you.

Oh, hey! It worked! Bye, thanks for everything. Bye!

Taxi!

So, how was it?

Lucy, my imagined ideals

were like tiny,

insignificant bits of nothingness

compared to the magnificence which was her beauty.

Okay? I am completely in love with her.

She is God's woman.

And he has...

He has given her to me.

Wow. That sounds great.

You should be very happy.

You think?

Yeah, you should, because she's not a fantasy anymore to you, Joe.

She's a real woman.

She is a perfect, real woman.

Come on.

That's nice.

Listen, by the way, what was up with, uh, you leaving with

Bwick Elias?

Oh, I don't know, he's funny. He's an idiot, but he's funny.

You know, I like this dating thing. I'm sort of getting the thing here.

What I do is sit back and watch

as these strange men

try to impress you in weird and stupid ways.

And then you just, you pick the least disgusting one, I guess.

All I can say is, you better pick one of those least disgusting guys in, uh,

the next 13 days. Know what I'm sayin'?

You just worry about closin' your own deal.

Listen, if we get the school, which I think we're gonna get,

but we don't get the weird boyfriends and girlfriends,

do we have to jump anyway?

Good night, Joe.

Wait a minute.

Could I get some specifics on that weird Bwick thing?

See you tomorrow. No, no, no, no. I told you everything.

Come on, that's not fair, you dog.

You were brilliant tonight, Joe.

I hate you.

Sweet dreams.

No, wait.

(CHUCKLING) What? What?

Was I okay tonight?

You were the best.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Really?

Good night.

Wait, Lucy, I was... Go to sleep.

Lucy, come on. I was okay, really?

LUCY: I love you. Good night. See you in the morning.

JOE: Good night.

LUCY: Night-night.

Good night, moon.

What?

Good night, moon.

Good night, moonie-moonie.

Good night, fish. Good night, spoon.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Joe?

Yes. I am Joe. Joe MacGonaughgill.

It's Jane.

Jane? We met last night at your opening.

Jane?

(CLATTERING)

Hello? Hi. Hi. Hi. Uh...

Hi, Jane? How's it goin'?

Great.

Um, what are you doin'?

Just hangin' out.

Um, listen,

can I ask, uh, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Would you like to have dinner with me?

I'd love to.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, great.

Um, I guess I'll just, uh, I'll just give you a call.

Okay, why don't you just do that?

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Yes!

Oh, I guess I'm not dating my new girlfriend now. Bullshit.

I'm dating her. We're dating. I got a date with her.

You're a hero. Piss off.

Why can't you ever be happy for me?

Why can't you be happy? Piss off!

Lucy!

Oh, hi. I'll be down after my session, okay?

Lucy, wait.

What? I'm late. What is it?

Bwick Elias, Lucy.

You know, the painter? Bwick?

He's nice. We talked, and he'd like to call you.

I'd like to call you.

Unfortunately, he was too overwhelmed with, um, sadness

by your untimely departure last night,

and, um, he couldn't ask for your number.

Too overwhelmed with sadness by your untimely departure last night,

he couldn't ask for your number.

But, but stalking me was apparently well within your comfort zone.

I made this for you.

Oh.

You can have it.

Or we could trade.

Little birdie for your number?

(COOING)

Thank you.

555-6745. Cellular.

Hush! Little child speaks what we dare not say.

I dare for you not to have me call you.

BWICK: I dare you!

Which one?

Well, I think I like this. I like this. This is nice.

Yeah. It's pretty.

Yeah, I like that on you.

It doesn't really matter, 'cause he's not gonna call, anyway.

Well, if you'd shut up about it, he'd call.

And if I don't?

Then he won't.

Oh.

(CELLULAR PHONE RINGING)

If I wear these with it, do you think it's too dark? Hello?

No, I kind of like the dark-light... Hi, Bwick.

Is she free tonight?

Yes, she is.

Well.

I guess I'll be wearing this tonight

on my date, 'cause...

'cause he called me.

EMILY: Okay, bye.

BWICK: And down. Slowly.

Slowly. Lower, lower. Good. Good.

Saturation, saturation. And vanquish!

Vanquish! Vanquish. Good.

Rotate right. Rotate right. Slowly.

Attitude adjustment. Good. And stab!

(DOORBELL BUZZES) Ha! Drop. door.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Bica!

Water.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh. Come in. It's open.

I've gotta go. Bye.

Hi.

You bought me a shrubbery?

Well, I was at the, uh, the flower store,

and roses just seemed a little boring.

So you bought me a shrubbery.

I wouldn't really call it a shrubbery, Jane.

It's a... It's a ficus tree. It's a very rare and exotic plant.

Well...

How wonderfully '80s of you, Joe.

Fine, I'll just kill it.

No, no, no, no! Don't! Don't! Don't.

No, no! Don't! No.

I love it. I love it.

You sure?

It's beautiful.

We can put it in my dentist's office.

(GRUNTS)

Stop!

I've never done this in front of anyone before.

I haven't felt comfortable enough.

Red.

BWICK: Purple!

I hate this! You, put purple, all around. Smear.

Smear red!

Red.

Position 3!

Now, up. Go. Knees! Down.

JANE: Sugar?

JOE: Yeah. Two, please.

What are you smiling about?

Nothin'.

(SIGHS)

I'm just happy to be here.

I find it really hard to concentrate around you

'cause I'm, I'm so into you.

Do you find it at all hard to concentrate around me?

A little bit? Now and then?

(PANTING)

It's symbolic.

Life equals love,

which actually equals death.

Life equals death.

(EXHALES)

LUCY: It's symbolic?

BWICK: Yeah.

Symbolic death?

Symbols of life

and death and love.

Life equals death, which is in the middle.

The subset is love,

which is really what the symbol is: love.

Life equals love equals death. It's symbolic.

Wait.

You have a woman with life painted on her, uh,

area, and she's stabbing to death

a man with a knife that says love on it.

And then in big, bold letters it says,

"life equals love equals death."

I don't know that it's very symbolic, Bwick.

It's kind of spelled out.

So it sucks.

Hans.

No, it doesn't suck. It's just that it's not really...

(SPLASHING)

You know, it's... It's a literal painting.

It's not symbolic, which is fine.

Mmm-hmm.

It's literal.

Right. Just literally sucks.

No.

No, you're right. You're right. It just symbolically sucks.

Hans!

It certainly isn't very literal anymore, is it?

No. It's...It's symbolic.

JOE: Do you believe in a big love?

JANE: Is that a serious question?

(JOE SIGHS)

Look, when I was 16,

I was in love with this guy called William.

I was completely absorbed by him.

I felt like I had no sense of autonomy,

no sense of being.

It was almost like I didn't exist without him.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything

unless he was around.

It was like I was just the same person,

and I thought that was being madly in love.

Or the big love, as you'd say.

You know, I wrote an article just recently

about how overrated the sense of falling in love is.

People just seem to think it's all about, like, the initial thing,

the, the flowers, and the explosions

and the... And the symphonies

and that excitement when you see somebody, and then...

And then what?

You know? Nobody seems to be able to maintain that.

That's what I think the big love is,

the capacity to be... To be able to reinvent the relationship

to be able to, to grow and to expand and to maintain that feeling

and not feel that if you don't have it,

then it's not working, you know,

and you just walk out and you find it elsewhere.

(SIGHS)

No, that big love you're talking about,

I think that's... That's... That's just for lovers.

JOE: So, you have some feelings on this issue?

(JANE CHUCKLES)

(BELL TOLLING)

Huh?

Mmm, deep-seated feelings.

I need to tell you, you went crazy earlier.

Sometimes I feel things, Lucy.

What you feel, I treat.

Do you feel that?

Maybe.

Flesh

(GIGGLES)

Is symbolic.

Love

is flesh.

Flesh

(CONTINUES GIGGLING)

equals

symbolic.

Our paintings

and our fingers

equal symbolic.

Flesh.

All right, one kiss, but that's all.

JOE: So you don't think that someone

could, like, see someone from afar,

fall hopelessly in love with them, and live happily ever after?

One looks everywhere for something to lean on.

One is charmed by the hope of having found it.

It turns out to be a dream in which the harsh facts

are scattered with a rude awakening.

Who said that? Cher?

No. Marie Anne du Deffand.

She's a writer.

You really are funny, you know.

(WHISPERING) You know what you are?

You're a girl

who stands

zero chance

of ever being kissed

by any other man.

That's what you are.

(POSITIVE PLAYING)

* I got your message, couldn't call you back

* I was busy gettin' you off my mind

Joe?

* I saw your girlfriend

* I think she thinks I want you back

* God, you surely take your time

* I don't wanna be in your fantasy

* I wish you'd move to China or the moon

* Positive

* Capital "p"

* Positive, you don't belong to me

* I'm kinda scattered like the pieces of a puzzle

* But our pieces never seem to fit

* And I talk to the mirror looking deep into my eyes

* But I only see this

* I don't want to be in your diary

* I didn't mean it when I wished you away

* Now I'm positive

* Capital "p"

SIMON: So, Joe, how's that girlfriend of yours?

The one you have all those, uh, passive-aggressive, voyeuristic fantasies about?

With all due respect, Simon, I'd really rather not hear your opinion about it.

Well, Joe, you should let him help you.

He gets paid a lot of money to help people.

That's all right.

Wasn't there something important that you needed to discuss with your father?

Joe, come on.

What is it, Lucy?

Oh...

Joe and I had been discussing,

very, very superficially, really, just

this idea that we, we had

for opening a kids' school.

A school for kids.

Huh!

SIMON: Well, that's a fine idea, sweetheart.

And if you weren't going to Harvard in the fall and then taking over the clinic,

I'd help you any way I could.

No, no, of course. I didn't... I was...

Just explain to me how you're going to Harvard and our school is history.

What do you suggest that I do, Joe? It's all arranged.

Well, it can all easily be unarranged.

Don't you mean rearranged?

What?

"Unarranged" isn't a word.

(SIGHS)

Rearranged. It can all easily be rearranged.

Rearranged.

You don't just rearrange a relationship, Joe. It doesn't work like that.

Whatever. I have a date. So do I.

Great. Five days to go, and we both have dates.

Then again, your credibility is pretty shot, Lucy.

Halfway down, you'll want to turn around and go back.

That's not true. I've never been more resolved.

Whatever.

You lied to me.

Fuck.

It's always like Mickey Rourke or somebody that

can't make it to the bed, and they have to do it when they come in the door

standing up against some pillar or something.

Put you up here like a contortionist

and do plies and releves

and keep it in there

and get it in there

and be effective, all at the same time.

I will be perfectly happy to blow your mind,

but can we just lie down?

In a minute.

Have you had an aids test?

Negative.

And you?

15 for 15.

You've had 15 aids tests?

(MOANING) Every 4 months for the last 5 years.

(SIGHS)

Do you shoot drugs?

No.

Do you fuck guys?

No.

Do you sodomize junkie prostitutes?

Without a condom?

Yeah.

No.

When was the last time you had sex?

Five years ago.

Then why all the aids tests?

I don't want to talk about it.

Joe!

What?

I need to know.

I'm a little embarrassed about it. Can we just not talk about it?

Why all the aids tests?

What is it?

I masturbated.

But you can't even get it from kissing,

let alone jerking off.

I don't know.

What about phone sex?

I'll have another test on Thursday.

I think we're safe now.

I cannot maneuver like this.

I need to be able to deal with you properly.

We have to lie down now.

Okay, but it has to be in the kitchen.

I don't care where it is.

I'll throw your sorry ass on the floor right here and fuck your brains out.

But you can't see the floor from your apartment.

I know. God, I always hated that I couldn't see your ankles.

Wait. What did you just say?

You can't see the floor here from your apartment.

You know that I've been watching you?

All this time, all these years,

you know that I've been watching you?

Of course. You knew that, Joe.

(SIGHS)

Um...

No, really, uh,

I didn't.

I was watching you watching me.

I liked it.

What's the problem?

It wasn't like that.

I've been smitten. I mean, uh...

I don't want you to be some...some fantasy, I...

I want you to be my girlfriend.

I want you to be a reality.

Come on, Joe.

You never wanted me to be your reality.

And if you do,

you'd better have a look at who's standing in front of you.

We're not reality material.

I didn't know that.

Joe, what's a cute,

smart, sexy, good-looking guy...

Why haven't you slept with a girl for the last 5 years?

I've been savin' myself.

For who?

I guess I don't know.

See you.

Come on.

Joe.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

(ATHENA PLAYING)

* Looking through the wrong lens

* With shadows in my eyes

* You were hiding in the open

* Standing by my side

* All we needed was a river to follow

* And dance in

* Lay down, Athena

* In your sea of wine

JOE: Lucy? Lucy!

* Lay down, Athena

* Lay down, lay down

* Lay down

* Crimson river we follow

* We collide, we collide

* We'll be safe in tomorrow

Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

How is everything?

It's fine. It's great.

Yeah? Great.

You?

I'm having fun.

I'm really havin' a great time.

Obviously.

What's wrong with you?

(SIGHS)

What are you wearin'?

What do you mean?

What's that? You slapped some paint on it?

It's very creative. How'd it go over with old Bwicky?

I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk about it?

I don't like your attitude.

Come on, Lucy. What happened on your date?

I mean, come on. Tell me. Talk.

We finger-painted, all right?

He made me dinner,

we finger-painted, and we talked all night.

I thought you'd be happy that I had a nice time,

I thought you'd be happy that we could call off this stupid death pact thing

and not kill ourselves.

Why would we call off the death pact?

Because you and Jane and, and me and Bwick.

I like him.

You like him well enough to call off the death pact?

Yeah.

No, no, excuse me. I, uh, I didn't realize he was so special, Lucy.

I don't understand what this is all about.

Wait a minute, are you and Jane not getting along?

Is, is that what this is?

(SIGHS)

What?

What?

A fuckin' painter.

You're in love with a fucking painter.

Bwick Elias.

(JOE CHUCKLES)

I mean, it's just too fuckin' perfect.

I just don't believe it that, that...

(JOE LAUGHING)

I mean, that...

Stupid,

pseudo-intellectual, you know, like,

counting-crows-headed, "love equals life equals death,"

you know, pop bullshit.

Fuckin'... Fuck!

If you think that that fucking guy

is coming into my house...

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Your house?

Oh. Excuse me.

Your house. Sorry.

I'm out of here. Whatever.

(CHILDREN SQUEALING)

(CLOCK BEEPING)

Hello, darling.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

I'm gonna open a grade school for children.

I'm not gonna go to Harvard.

Maybe, maybe you'll help me, and maybe you won't,

but this is really... This is what I want to do,

so I hope that you'll support me.

(LAUGHS)

Why do you always do that?

Do what?

You always chuckle whenever I tell you something that's important to me.

Oh, honey. That's your perception.

No, that's not my perception. It's what happens.

I tell you something that matters to me,

that's important and...

I don't want to wait until one of us dies to get closer.

So you want to be around kids who want to be adults

instead of adults who want to be kids, huh?

Yes, exactly.

I hope you know

how proud of you I am.

I hope you know how proud I've always been of you.

And how much I have always loved you.

Thank you, Daddy.

I love you, too. Really.

Okay, listen up. If mopey-boy is painting upside down,

does that mean you have to look at the painting upside down to understand it?

Yes. No.

(KIDS CLAMORING)

You guys think about it, and we'll talk about it next time, all right?

Get out of here.

I'll see you guys all next, uh...

I'll see you... I'll see you soon.

Hey, what are you hoodlums up to?

What are you doin'?

Putting money in the piggy bank.

Why?

Earning money for our new school.

(SIGHS)

Oh, mope.

I don't want you to do that. I want you to keep your money.

You look even more pathetic than usual.

Hey, stop. Wait. I'm kiddin'.

Jane again?

I don't care about that girl.

You whine about her all these years.

Now that you got her, you don't want her.

What an asshole you turned out to be.

I've been living with this girl, this friend.

My best friend.

I'm proud of you, Joe.

Why?

You finally figured out the girl in your heart

isn't the girl in your dreams.

Some people don't figure it out all their lives.

What are you, Mr. Fuckin' philosopher all of a sudden?

Is she in love with you?

(SIGHS) No.

Not anymore.

I mean, not like that. Not like... Not like anything.

I ruined it.

I once had a girl.

I'll never forget the day she told me,

"I don't love you anymore."

I never wanted to feel the way my gut felt that day,

so I never took a chance.

I stopped breathing, for Christ's sake, Joe. That's how much it hurt.

So you can sit here with me and not breathe the rest of your life,

or you can give it a try.

Come on, look.

Paint her a picture, give her some roses.

Write her a cute little note, and she's yours.

Thanks, Al.

Piss off.

Lucy?

(CHUCKLES) Early Jane.

(SIGHS)

LUCY: Bwick Elias.

He's cute.

He's sweet. He's talented.

He makes me giggle.

He's rich.

But come on, Lucy. Let's face it, he's a Dick.

I mean, he's like your old boyfriend Dick.

He's not like a Joe. He's more like a Dick.

Joe.

Why would I bring up Joe right now?

Joe?

No. Joe's in love with Jane.

Beautiful, lovely, tall Jane.

I hate Jane.

I'd like to get her in therapy, fuck her up real good.

Joe.

No.

(YOU DIDN'T KISS ME PLAYING)

* You didn't kiss me

* How can I fall asleep?

Joe?

You think?

Bingo. 25 cents, please.

* I know you're there

* But don't pick up

Joe?

* 'Cause I'll say everything

Joe?

* I know you don't care

* You made that clear enough

* As I was leaving

* I took your favorite overcoat

* I just wanted to return it

* And I know it's late

* You're probably out

* That's what you wanted anyway

* I know how you hate it

* When I get too loud

* But, John, you know I'm crazy

* I'm wrapped around your favorite overcoat

* Don't think I can return it

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Joe? Joe!

No. Not Joe.

Hey. Bwick.

I think you're really neat, but I don't want to see you anymore.

I'm sorry.

I wanna show you something.

What do you see in this painting?

I don't know. Immature.

Paint. Lots of ugly paint.

It's a beautiful girl,

and I hope it's me.

Hey, wait. Lucy.

I... I really like you.

I like you, too, Bwick,

but I'm pretty sure I'm in love with someone else.

* Hate your laugh, hate your lies

* Hate the chance I took on you

* Hate the past in your eyes

* Hate the war you put me through

* Hate myself for believing

* This could come to anything at all

* Mmm, mmm

* I'm wrapped around your favorite overcoat

* Don't think I can return it

Hi, excuse me.

Hi. How do you do?

* You didn't kiss me

* How could I fall asleep?

* You didn't wish me very well

* To say the least

* Do you miss me?

* If you said so, should I believe you?

* You didn't kiss me

* How could I fall asleep?

* You didn't wish me very well

* To say the least

* Do you miss me?

* If you said so, should I believe you?

* You didn't kiss me

Joe!

Joe!

(PANTING)

We should go jump out there, because if we jump here

there's a chance that the highway might break our fall.

Out there it's just a straight shot right down into the icy-cold water.

I thought you were gonna break my fall.

What happened to old Bwicky?

I wasn't interested.

Where's Jane?

I don't know.

I'm scared, Joe.

Me, too.

What are you scared about?

What are you scared about?

I asked you first.

Are you scared 'cause you're in love with me?

Are you scared because you're in love with me?

I asked you first.

Hey. Hey. Wait a minute.

Don't even try that hug test on me. I'm serious.

I mean... No. no. If you don't know after that kiss...

LUCY: Joe?

JOE: Yeah?

Doesn't this feel a little incestuous?

I know. Isn't it great?

It reminds me of when I was six

and I would play seven minutes in heaven with my little cousins.

(LAUGHING) That's gross.

Lucy?

Yes.

If I'd have fallen, would you have caught me?

Hmm... I would have tried.

Lucy!

But who knows my physical capabilities?

Straddling a bridge, gravity...

Trying to think. Uh, two plus two plus one...

(JOE SIGHS) Lucy? Listen, Lucy... ...minus a man who...

...if you can free yourself from your brain for two seconds

and allow me off of your couch... Mmm-hmm?

...I will take your crazy spit test.

Really?

I love you so much, Lucy.

I love you, too, Joe.

* Says I need direction

* I head for the door

* I take apart his hourglass and fill it up with candy

* I don't mind suggestions Don't give me any more

* Don't get twisted

* You don't like it You don't buy it

CHORUS: * I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* What have I got What have I got

* What have I What have I got to lose?

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* What have I got What have I got

* What have I What have I got to lose?

* What have I got What have I got

* What have I What have I got to lose?

* What would it take to find the shape to cure me?

* Who do I pay to sell this celluloid rosary?

* They're right when they say the lions got the best of me

* I jump from chair to chair

* But is anybody satisfied?

* Not me

(LOUSY LULLABY PLAYING)

* You know he dreams about tornadoes

* Tumbleweeds and hurricanes

* I could blame it on his halos

* Always gettin' in the way

* If I'd known his wings were crooked

* I'd have pressed them into shape

* I hopped a Greyhound, left his hometown

* Population: 1,726 and change

* Sixty bucks, a broken suitcase

* His bad luck was my lucky day

* I kinda thought we had a mess of time *