Original subtitles

- Ooh, what's going on? - Uh, Sam and Jay

are on high alert for another Christmas possession,

so they're playing it safe and not

going near any electronics this year.

Which I'm trying not to take personally.

I'm the reason your mother-in-law

likes you now, you ingrate.

So you just want me to plug this

- Christmas village in? - Uh-huh.

- That's right. - Better safe than sorry.

This puppy draws a lot of current.

You know I'm gonna have to charge you my regular rate.

Plus the holiday surcharge.

Yes, we are aware of that.

Alberta, what are you doing?

I'm getting behind Mark in case he gets shocked and thrown back.

You're trying to possess him?

But this is our first Christmas together as a couple.

Oh, we'll be together.

I'll just be in Mark.

Man, it would be so cool to possess someone.

I've had the munchies for, like, half a century.

I'm a pacifist but I'd murder somebody for a Pringle.

Okay, here goes nothing.

Mm...

Huh.

Damn it! Mama wanted a Sazerac.

Okay, so I'll send you guys a bill.

- Merry Christmas, Mark. - Mm-hmm.

- Look, Trevor, way in the back. - Mm?

The orthodontist has a little menorah in the window.

I want to say that's an offensive stereotype,

but he looks a lot like Dr. Rosenblatt.

This dope.

Furiously buying gifts on December 23rd

that can be here by tomorrow.

It's like this every year. When's he gonna learn?

Okay, you are not gonna believe this.

I just got off the phone with the publisher, and

apparently, a booker on All Day USA

listened to my Todd Pod interview,

and he wants to include my book in a segment

on last-minute gift ideas.

It's crazy how long some people wait.

He didn't get you the Jenni Kayne sweater

'cause it was already sold out.

Hope you enjoy your Best Buy gift card.

Samantha, this is huge for our book.

Me... a stocking stuffer. Huzzah!

This is incredible, babe. I'm so proud of you.

And we ghosts shall be able to witness the interview

in person, for it shall take place here,

in the mansion that I built.

I mean, you didn't actually do any of the labor.

I married the man that signed the checks

that paid for the gruel that fueled

those young child workers.

Hm. Sort of a sad little nursery rhyme.

I'm so nervous and so excited.

I mean, national television. What am I gonna wear?

Maybe see what they have at the women's department

at Best Buy.

It's so cozy.

Everyone has hot cocoa in Christmastown.

Mm. Even that baby. That don't seem safe.

- Hm. - Thor have questions.

It about gift for Flower.

What the hell?

Whoa. Did I do that?

Step back for a second, Thor. I want to see something.

Okay, now come closer again.

Whoa.

This is wild.

Thor, your ghost power must be interacting

with the electrical grid in Christmastown.

Yes. Thor feel power

surging through body.

Ow!

Okay, let's get you away from this thing

before you burn down the whole house.

Yeah.

Wait, what were you asking? Something about a...

Christmas gift for Flower?

Yeah, I really want to wow her, but not know what to get.

Well, what'd you get her last year?

Coupon for intercourse. And candle.

So, yeah, bar set pretty high.

Okay. Has Flower mentioned

anything in particular that she wants?

Mm, world peace. And also food.

She often mention how she have munchies for many years.

Well, unfortunately, there's no way to enjoy food

or Sazeracs short of possessing a Living.

- Mm. - Interesting.

So, you're saying Thor should help Flower

possess Living for Christmas.

I mean, if you could pull that off,

that'd be a pretty amazing gift.

Yes! Then it is decided.

Thor will get Flower in Living for Christmas.

And sex coupon. 'Cause tradition.

Hello, all.

Every time.

You have got to learn how to enter a room, woman.

Oh, I see it's not just the downstairs.

This room also reeks of Christmas.

- What are you so upset about? - Uh, the tree,

the decorations,

the general merriment that is so clearly afoot.

Wait, the merriment is a foot?

Huh. So Steven Stills had a merriment fetish.

I'm confused. Don't Puritans love Christmas?

Puritans love Christmas?

Oh, I would laugh, t'were that not a trick the devil uses

to enter thine body.

No, there's only one proper way to celebrate Christmas.

Which is not at all.

You see, Puritans believed that

to revel was a gateway to sin.

Buckle up, it's time for another depressing history lesson.

So, on Christmas,

there was no mirth in sight.

Shops remained open,

work continued unabated,

and you would be fined for doing anything

even close to celebrating.

Ah, 'twas wonderful.

Well you've given us all a lot to think about.

And then came the tinsel.

Oh, it's still going. Fun!

How you feeling, babe... you ready?

- Today's the big day. - I'm freaking out, Jay.

You should be nervous. This interview

is huge for both of us.

National television.

Thousands of people could be watching.

- It could be millions. - My God.

The 13 colonies must be bursting at the seams.

Hey, you got this, babe.

And you can put the toothbrush down.

The mayor's car is clean.

Hey, why do you think he drives such a fancy car?

You think he's taking bribes for permits?

"Peppermits"?

- Is this helping, Sam? - No.

I'm sorry, Jay, I just really need to collect my thoughts.

All right, but you're gonna do great, babe.

- You think? - I know it.

Oh. "Peppermits."

That's-that's good. Yeah, I get it.

Sam, you got moment?

- She's kind of in a mood. - I'm a little

- busy, Thor. - Just need little help

with Flower gift. Want to ask your opinion.

I'm sure whatever you have in mind is perfect.

Okay, but Thor want to tell you

and then have extensive conversation where you tell Thor

- how you feel about idea. - You know what, Thor,

why don't you just let us all be surprised

so we can experience the gift, whatever it is,

along with Flower.

Yes. Great idea, Isaac. Surprise Flower. Surprise me.

- And have a merry Christmas. - Okay.

And, um... Flower! Come in here.

Oh, it's happening right now.

Hey, Thor, what's up?

Stand there. By Samantha.

Okay.

What's going on?

Thor?

Merry Christmas, Flower!

Oh... dear.

Whoa.

Am I wearing a bra?

Hey, who shaved my pits, man?

Okay, something very weird is going on.

Is it less pink in here?

Does it smell less like patchouli?

Flower, you are inside of Sam.

This giant animal used

his ghost power to channel electricity

from the Christmas village

and hurl Sam's body through you,

thus resulting in yet another Christmas possession.

Thor, you did that for me?

Aw.

No! Not "aw."

Samantha has a very important interview about our book

and we need you out of her body, posthaste.

Interview? Uh, Thor not know about interview.

Thor, what did you do?

- Samantha? - Yeah, it's me.

And you're in big trouble.

But you tell Thor to surprise you.

Yes, because I didn't think you meant this.

Okay, so you were surprised.

Sort of seem like mission accomplished.

Now that that misunderstanding is cleared up,

- we can take care of this. - Right.

Okay, Flower, I'm gonna drive you over the boundary

and get you out of my body.

Wait. Flower have munchies for many years.

Please just let her eat one thing.

Make Thor's Christmas gift complete.

Fine.

Flower, you can have one thing.

But then I want my body back,

and I can't keep saying this every Christmas.

Okay, Flower, it's your time to shine.

Whoa. Did it used to be more pink in here?

Flower, take bite of cookie and satisfy munchies.

Okay.

Mmm.

Wow. That is so good.

What's going on?

Flower possess Sam,

part of very generous Christmas gift from Thor.

Okay. Flower, you've had your fun,

but it's time to go.

How long has she been in there?

- Couple of minutes. - What? That's not long enough.

Samantha has a very important interview in an hour

- and she needs to focus. - An hour?

That's plenty of time. Flower, listen to me.

Run to the light and shut the door behind you.

No, no, there's not time...

Whoa. Hey, Nancy.

How's it going?

Please excuse my hairless pits.

Okay, Nancy, you're not being helpful right now.

I'm just looking after my girl.

When you possessed that workman back in the 1800s,

you were in that dude for days.

What I do inside a of dude is none of your business.

- Oh... - Everyone stop!

This not problem.

Flower can have her fun

then before interview,

she leaves Sam body. Right, Flower?

Wait.

Where she go?

Flower has absconded with Sam's body.

Hell yeah! Drive it like you stole it, Flower.

Oh! Whoo!

You disgust me, fat man.

Oh. Hey, Patience. Oh, you left just in time.

They're upstairs singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

- I had to get out of there. - Trevor also

have disdain for the vile celebration of this holiday?

Well, I didn't want to say anything in front of

the others. I prefer to let you corner the wet blanket market.

Oh, thank you. 'Tis kind of my thing.

But, if I'm being honest,

I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas either.

Really?

I was, like, the only Jewish kid in my town growing up.

And so, when the holidays rolled around, I always felt a little

like I didn't belong.

And in elementary school, every Christmas pageant,

they made me stand up alone and sing "Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel."

Ugh. Patience understands.

It's like that winter when I was spared from the great pox

but all of my siblings perished.

Why not me?

Yeah. Um...

not exactly the same.

Oh.

Thank you for talking with me, Trevor.

Patience is... enjoying herself.

Yeah. But not too much, right?

Thou gets it.

So, yeah, Flower's running around in a brand new Sam suit.

Oh, that lucky son of a bitch.

Mark, that could have been us.

Oh, hi, Mark. Hey, David.

Is that Woodstone? That looks amazing.

I helped build it.

We've been working on it for the last few weeks.

My kid wants to be a contractor,

so we started with a gingerbread house.

What do we say after we're done?

We'll send you an invoice.

That is so cute.

But you're not really charging me, right?

No, it's a gift. Merry Christmas.

Hi.

Gary from All Day USA.

We're here to interview Sam Arondekar.

- That's gonna be difficult. - Great. Well, I'm Jay.

I'm Sam's husband. Uh, yeah, she was around here. Sam!

Sam!

I'll just go look for her.

Follow the smell of burning bras.

You'll find her.

Amanda, you're an amazing person.

And the love that you put out into the universe

is gonna come back to you tenfold.

Oh. Wow, thank you.

I had no idea you were so spiritual.

Yeah, I once slept with the Dalai Lama's brother.

What is happening right now?

I'd say Samantha got into my laudanum,

but I don't think it has that kind of shelf life.

Oh. Hey, Gabe. How's it going, man?

Good.

Say, listen, do you know anywhere

that someone could score around here?

Aw, I just cook.

Oh, come on, Gabe. I'm cool.

I heard pot's a lot stronger these days.

I haven't smoked any since the sixties.

How old are you?

Oh, my God, the crazy bastard did it.

Flower, is that you?

Yeah, it's me. Hi, guys.

- What? - Oh, sorry,

I was just talking to my friend who used to be a virgin.

But he's invisible to you.

Okay. I want what you have.

Why is the virgin thing germane?

What is going on?

Thor wanted to help Flower possess someone for Christmas,

- and I guess he did it. - Oh...

So, can you hook it up or not?

Look, I have something,

but it might be a little intense.

Dude, I used to party with Bobby and Jerry.

I hugged a bear after Woodstock and lived to talk about it.

No, no, you didn't.

The point is I can handle it.

Okay.

It's called Mistletoe.

- Whoa. - You just put this

under your tongue and when you see God,

tell him Gabe said, "What's up?"

Flower, here comes Jay.

- Who? - Um, God?

Our heavenly father?

There you are.

We got to get you back to the house, Sam.

What are you doing back here?

Oh, I was just getting drugs from Gabe.

That's hilarious.

Come on, let's go.

We should probably go watch this.

Oh, hell yeah.

So, then I said to Goody Mather

that I could finish the quilt by sunrise.

Oh, my candle did burn low that night.

I love it. You got that grind mentality.

- You knoweth it. - I got to say,

Patience, even though this is not my favorite season,

I'm having a pretty good time.

I guess it's true what they say: misery loves company.

Oh, indeed.

She also loved making little corn husk dolls.

And saying the Lord's Prayer.

Misery was a woman of many hobbies.

You're meshugana.

What's that?

Oh, it's a Yiddish word.

Yiddish is sort of like Hebrew.

I've always had an interest in Hebrew.

You know, the language He spoke.

Well, I don't really know that much Hebrew.

I can count to ten.

Oh. I would very much

like to hear that sometime.

It's cool that you're so interested in Jewish stuff.

I know a little about Puritan stuff.

I went on a field trip to a colonial village

in the fifth grade. My favorite part:

the butter churning.

- Mm. - But I could never quite get it.

- The... - Oh.

You're not gonna get butter like that.

No, 'tis less of a circular motion

and more like this.

One, two, three. 'Tis important to keep a rhythm.

One, two, three.

Perhaps count with me,

in the language of your people.

If that's what you want.

Echad, shtayim, shalosh...

Slower.

Echad, shtayim,

shalosh.

I think the butter is firming.

Hell yeah it is.

You know, makeup is just a tool the patriarchy uses

to keep women down, man.

- Are you okay, babe? - Oh!

Wow. Your beard is so soft.

Okay. Thor very happy you like Christmas present,

but time to let Sam do interview now, Flower.

And... she's asleep.

Babe?

They're ready for you, Sam.

Sam!

- You ready? - Yeah, man.

Groovy.

This is gonna be a train wreck.

All right, here we are. Walter, this is Sam.

Hey. Walter Storm, All Day USA.

Very nice to meet you.

I had them set us up here in front of

this gingerbread house. Pretty cool, huh?

Cool.

Okay.

Babe, you got this.

Someone get him out of the shot.

Jay! Flower's inside me.

- Do something. - Oh, uh, hey, actually,

can we just have five more minutes?

Nope. We're live in five,

four, three...

And we're live here with author Samantha Arondekar

to talk to her about her historical fiction book

about vampires.

Oh, no! Not vampires.

They're scary.

What kind of historical research did you do for the novel?

- Um, seven. - What?

Teen.

Seventeen.

I'm sorry?

Tell him you unearthed

previously undiscovered

primary source documents.

I found something in the earth.

Was that good?

Uh, moving on to theme.

What was it about vampires

that, uh, piqued your interest?

Whoa. Is that a giant cookie house?

What is she doing to the gingerbread house?

I... I don't know.

Thor, the chimney tastes amazing.

Okay, sweetie, I think that's enough.

- No... - Hey, get your own cookie house, man!

Um, Sam...

-It's like watching Godzilla -Oh!

trample Candy Land.

-Okay. The book is -No... Sam, Sam...

Colonial Vampire.

Available online and at bookstores now.

Pick up yours today.

Impressive composure under difficult circumstances.

- He's a pro. - Mm.

You made out with Patience?

There was Hebrew and churning.

Things got out of hand. We just couldn't stop ourselves.

This is a wild turn of events.

And now I'm freaking out because,

you know, it's Patience.

Puritans don't do casual hookups.

She probably thinks we're engaged now.

Trevor, we need to speak.

I wanted to talketh about what happened earlier.

About our...

sensual union.

- I should go. - Please stay.

I hath prayed on it, and I have come to the conclusion...

...that we cannot be together.

Oh. I mean...

Oh, no. Why not?

I do not want to hurt you.

But we come from two different worlds.

I do not think it could ever work out.

Well, I was hoping for something serious,

but if that's how you feel...

I wish there was some other way,

for I am sad as well.

Goodbye, Trevor.

No harm, no foul.

Yeah, except you just got dumped by Patience.

Any chance that stays between us?

Well, would it be embarrassing for you if it got out?

- A little. - Then no.

Okay, Sam...

I mean Flower... here we go.

Oh...

Yay! They're back.

I said I was sorry, Sam.

I don't want to hear it, Flower. And you.

- I can't believe you, Thor. - That was not cool, big guy.

Thor very sorry. But maybe somehow this...

help book sales.

Maybe now Sam sort of...

Hawk Tuah girl of books.

You guys knew today was a big deal for me.

Why didn't anyone do anything to help?

Oh, but Samantha, what could we do?

- We're ghosts. - You know we love you, Sam.

We screwed up. But can we just get to the part

where you forgive us and we can all have a Merry Christmas?

No. Not this time.

Because that interview aired.

And just like you guys,

it'll be around forever.

Don't know why we need to drag our immortality into this.

Babe, let's just go to sleep and calm down.

- And tomorrow's another day. - Exactly.

It's another day of living with this curse.

Another chance for a ghost

to ruin something that's important to me.

God, I wish I had never gotten this power.

I wish I had never been able to see ghosts.

Did Flower at least like Christmas gift?

What'd you get me?

You don't remember possessing Sam?

What?

No. Oh, but that would have been amazing.

I have had the munchies for, like, 50 years.

Jay?

Hey, guys.

Oh. Okay, I see.

Giving me the silent treatment?

Don't mind Thor, Thor not sitting there.

What the hell?

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