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[ Record Player: Man ] ♪ I'm still stuck-- I'm still stuck-- ♪

♪ I'm still stuck-- I'm still stuck-- ♪

♪ I'm still stuck in the '60s ♪

♪ The Mamas and the Papas still get to me ♪

♪ My hair is still long

♪ The New Right is still wrong ♪

♪ And I still ain't got my degree ♪

♪ I still ain't bought a blue suit ♪

♪ I still ain't drunk enough beer ♪

♪ I still ain't married my wife ♪

♪ I ain't even picked a career ♪

♪ What in the past is the matter with me? ♪

♪ Now, why didn't I evolve? ♪

♪ And why am I asking the likes of you? ♪

♪ You got the same problem to solve ♪

[ Announcer ] Gallagher: Stuck in the '60s!

[ Audience Cheering ]

♪ Acid rock or Woodstock, a relic of the psychedelic ♪

♪ We're still stuck in the '60s ♪

♪ Same old modern world

♪ The radio plays what it played back then ♪

♪ And we're still treatin' women like girls ♪

♪ E.R.A. Big delay ♪

♪ We're treatin' women like girls ♪

♪ The cops all gots mustaches now ♪

♪ Your mother wears blue jeans ♪

♪ Back on the rack

♪ Is the miniskirt

♪ Are you beginning to see what I mean? ♪

♪ Check it out now

♪ What in the past keeps us coming back? ♪[ Audience Clapping Along ]

♪ That's a fact every hippie knows ♪

♪ Because no bands have replaced ♪

♪ The Beatles and even Bob ain't no Dylan no more ♪

♪ So roll me a golden oldie ♪

♪ Now take me where I been

♪ Set my mind on a wilder time ♪

♪ It's the '60s all over again ♪

♪♪ [ Stops ][ Audience Laughing ]

♪ It's the '60s all over again ♪

♪ It's the '60s all over again ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-boom ♪

I'm talkin' flowers!

Flowers!

Flower power!

Peace! Love!

Make love, not war!

Military-industrial complex!

How many people remember the '60s?

What a time!

What a time! The blood was surging through your veins, wasn't it?

Every day something else was happening that affected you.

It was in the news. It was on TV. It was in the paper.

They was getting you on the campus.

I went to school for six and a half years.

It was a long war.

But wasn't it exciting? Everything affected us.

There was the war in Vietnam.

There was civil rights. There was women's rights.

There was music happening in all directions.

You could go acid rock or you could go John Denver...

rock.

Either way-- Granny dresses or psychedelic paint.

There was all kind of stuff happening.

What's happening now? Nothin'.

I am so bored, I'm flashing back.

I mean, what can you say about the '70s?[ Applause ]

I think everybody else is too. I think you are.

Because we saw that the '70s, we didn't come up with nothin'.

Started with Watergate and ended with disco.

The first fad that was popular 'cause everybody hated it.

It's so dumb.

It seems like they're saying let's redo the '60s,

and it just ain't coming out right, is it?

[ Audience Groaning ]No.

You take the war. The war in Vietnam was exciting.

We was all involved in it or hiding from it...

or talking about it or yelling--

But the war we've just had was so silly,

the British went to war for our side.

Against our archrivals, the Argentines.

They attack real funny. You know the British.

"See you in three weeks!"

Here we are at the equator.

Only a quarter of the globe to go.

Then they show up in Harrier jets.

I know we sold it to 'em, but they're still kinda funny.

They want jets that hover and then go down.

Leave it to the British to want a jet that curtsies.

"Where's the war? Teatime?"

Let's, uh--

Let's stick with violence. It tells a lot about the difference in a decade.

There was violence in the '60s when they shot the president.

We didn't know who did it. Could've been the Russians. Could've been the Cubans.

Could've been the C.I.A., the F.B.I.

Johnson. [ Laughs ]

But in the '80s, who was it? We know.

Hinckley!

All by himself in his motel.

"Think I'll shoot the president."

It seems like these days we're just playing with life,

like it really isn't so serious.

Nobody believes they should do anything to him 'cause he shot the pre--

"Oh, he couldn't have been doing that. That's too serious."

Good thing he didn't try and steal the president's car. He might have gone to jail.

You hear what I'm sayin'.

Right. It's a crazy time out here.

Civil rights. They were so worried.

We want equal opportunity to have a job.

You got equal opportunity. There ain't no jobs!

Then women's rights.

Oh, gee, in the '60s, it seemed so exciting.

Surely it would happen. This is America. Majority rules.

Women are in the majority. They'll vote themselves an amendment to the Constitution.

In the '80s we find out what? No.

They found out when they stood up for their rights, they lost their seats.

I don't know. There's just lots of different... things.

Do you see these differences as well?

When I was, uh--

When I was in the--

Yeah, I ain't quite in the '60s.

People say to me now, "How'd you lose your hair?"

I say, "I lost it in Vietnam."

Boy, you women were sure a letdown to me though.

Let's talk about the difference between the sexes.

This is touted a lot.

How many people believe in equality of the sexes?

You're wrong.

It's equal but different.

Remember that "equal but different" we tried to pull on black people?

Now, I'm talking...

men's shortcomings.

Men can't handle Christmas.

Can they, women?[ Women ] No!

No, they don't know how to shop. They ain't used to shopping.

Women loveChristmas. They love to shop.

Here comes an opportunity to buy something for everybody they know!

Can you believe it?

But men-- men don't care. They don't want to shop.

In fact, if a man does get done shopping, he can't believe it.

He busts up at the house. He just blows up. He can't contain hims--

"You're gonna like it."

"I probably got you something nicer than you got me."

So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it.

Finally you say, "Give me the damn present."

You open it up, and it's dumb.

Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store,

get something else so when your mother comes over...

she don't see you're still married to an idiot!

She really will!

All right, men, I'm on your side here,

'cause women can't throw a ball.

You're like this.

A man's left hand is as good as a girl's right hand.

In fact, that'd be fair. A man's left hand--

A girl's left hand ain't worth nothin'.

They know it too. All you can do is crook it and hang a pocketbook on it.

Lot of women shaking their heads.

I'm not saying what's right, but the men agree. Don't you, guys?

[ Men Cheering, Applauding ]

I knew it. Women, you don't get everything right.

Let me show you.

When you go out shopping, you buy us underwear that fits cardboard.

And they buy these damn things. Don't they, guys?

This is called the decorative chair cover.

Does this look like your house?

Don't buy it!

Now I'm talkin' the real difference in men and women.

- Snake! - [ Screaming ]

See? All the guys are cool.

I'm on your side today, guys.

I hope you score later.

Well, you're out here at a show.

You're having a laugh or two.

Later on you could pop the question. She'll be in a good mood.

She might even be laughing.

Even if she's just grinning. It's real hard to go "No!"

All right!

Let's talk about sex a minute here.

I'm gonna get down![ Cheering ]

I'm gonna get down!

I'm gonna get down and poke my nose in your business.

I'm gonna go right in the bedroom.

I'm talking about your relationship.

I'm talking about a crack in your relationship, a problem--[ Laughing ]

Be nice.

I'm talking about a problem each and every one of you have.

Don't feel cocky if you're getting it once a night, 'cause you might be gettin' it twice.

Each and every one of you have a problem out there.

And it's the woman-- It's her fault, ain't it, guys?

[ Cheering ]

And the problem is hangin' in the closet. I'm gonna get it out now.

I'm gonna get out the problem in your relationship and solve it right now...

by saying it out loud.

Men, are you with me? Get rid of this damn robe!

[ Cheering ]

Am I right?

If you never want to have sex again,

wear this robe.

Am I right, guys?[ Man ] You got it!

And thisbullshit!

Am I right, guys?[ Man ] Oh, yeah!

Is this the look?

Now,

if this was just a private problem,

I would not say anything.

If this problem was just in your house,

I would not poke my nose in.

But this has now become a public travesty.

This is an "emedebic"-- Emedebic?

"Emedemic" is closer to what it is...

than an epidemic.

'Cause this is some shit!

When you women start feeling the least bit secure around the house like this,

you know what's happened.

You went and found you your tie.

You tied this up real decent.

You got you something for your hair.

You got you another shoe.

It matches the hat!

You grabbed your pocketbook and you headed out...

for the grocery store.

You've seen it in the produce section.

This... is a hideous problem.

But can we really blame the women?

[ Man ] Take it off! Yeah![ Cheering, Applauding ]

No-- No, we've got to blame Sears...

for startin' them out in this.

I found this in the junior miss section.

What would make a girl so ashamed of her skin...

that she would wear a hood and a place to hide her hands in her house?

This is what you wear if your father is the Elephant Man.

If you have terminal acne,

you wear this.

This is the beginning, this "I'm all upholstered" look.

And it moves right on.

Tell me, gang.

Is this not a dishrag?

You answer, "Yes, this is a dishrag!"

[ All ] Yes, this is a dishrag!

Does it make it any less a dishrag if the stripes are wider?

[ All ] No!

Let me show you a further epidemic.

It looks nicer than the others!

It's called a house dress.

As in "As big as."

The tag says "Eye full."

So is the back.

Now they move on into the bigger sizes.

[ Audience Hooting, Groaning ]

Yes, a square half-acre.

This--

This is what a woman wears...

when she's tired to trying to make it fit her shape and just sews along the edges.

You wear this when you want to sneak into the bed with food.

Just put the platter under there and away you go.

Ends up there anyway.

Now, here's the one.

This is what a woman calls her good robe.

She puts this on on an evening...

when she'd like to get screwed,

but if it don't happen, fuck it.

And if she don't get it, this is what she puts on the next night.

This Christmas Grandma made me...

this.

Grandma said...

"What color you want?"

I said, "It don't matter."

Grandma showed me it damn sure doesmatter!

There are colors here...

that do now exist in the natural rainbow.

Some of these colors exist only in yarn.

I'm speaking the truth.

And I'm not just blaming the girls.

This...

is a problem.

When we're starting kids out at such an early age...

with Bert and Ernie,

later on thislooks conservative.

That's the problem.

It's not just one sex or another.

Sometimes it's both of you.

You're both buying these things, and they're the stupidest damn things I've ever seen.

I didn't say anything when the dogs were playing cards.

But now that the cats are playing cards,

you know--

[ Cheering, Applause ]

I mean--

You can't get a cat to shit in a box.

You don't want him to ante in on your table. Okay?

Well, if the cats can play cards, then of course...

the dogs can shoot pool.

How you gonna make a bridge with a paw?

And the "optimon" of stupidity...

is trying to make people believe it's okay for your son to read the book in the living room...

with the lion.

It's a hideous, hideous stupidity.

I see it all around the country.

[ Cheering, Applause ]

This is Michigan.

Now, when I say I'm stuck in the '60s, I'm talking about my mind.

I'm not talking about the way I dress.

In fact, the dumbest thing about the '60s was the way we dressed.

But I'm talking about the mind of the '60s...

that asked questions, see.

Went right up against Michigan. [ Chuckles ]

I still have a problem in Michigan when I take my '60s kind of mind up there.

And I just ask some stuff? I see on TV-- You tell me. Is this not dumb?

I'm watching TV. They had taken a bunch of blind people.

They thought they'd do something real nice.

They took a bunch of blind people that normally don't get a chance to hunt.

That isdumb, isn't it?[ Audience ] Yeah!

Well, they wouldn't laugh!

I began to wonder.

But I thought, what is dumber than a blind person with a gun?

That would be handing themthe gun.

Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun?

How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?

This is the problem. It's this kind of overall stupidity.

I don't know. Do you see it?

[ Audience ] Yeah!

I saw it just the other day. I'm walking up to a buffet.

I didn't think, "Well, gee, how could I find stupidity at a buffet?"

I'm walking up to the buffet, and I said, "I'd like to have the buffet."

And then he says, "Is that onefor the buffet?"

I said, "Yeah. That's why I used 'I.'

I'd like to go over to the buffet."

I should have known it was dumb to begin with.

You don't have a maître d' at a buffet.

It's like a hubcap on a tractor.

Really. So I say, "I'd like to go over to the buffet."

And he says, "Wait a minute. We'll show you to your table."

"I ain't eatin' my table. I want the buffet."

So he says, "Well, you don't understand."

I said, "I understand. You see this?

I've played buffet before.

I know what you do.

You're gonna take me over there, open up the table, slide me in-- cramme in.

Five minutes later, a guy that don't speak English is gonna give me a glass of water...

I ain't gonna drink.

Ten minutes later,

a waitress is gonna come over and she's gonna say, 'What you want?'

I say, 'I want the buffet.' she says, 'It's over there.'"

[ Applause ]

Many times you have to point out stupidity in high places.

I had to tell the judge he was stupid the other day.

[ Audience ] Ooh!If he is, I have to say it!

I got a speeding ticket, went before the judge and said,

"I'd like to go to traffic school."

He says, "That's okay. But don't be late."

I said, "Judge, that's the same shit got me here!"

The other day I'm sitting on the plane.

Which is a real problem to me anyway, the damn airport.

It is. I swear, I just wanna get 'em so bad.

I went up and I got 'em the other day.

I said, "I'm going to Atlanta. I'd like this bag to go to Denver and this one to Miami."

They said, "We can't do that." I said, "You did it yesterday."

So I'm sitting on the plane, and the pilot gets on and says,

[ Pronouncing Sibilant S's ] "Stewardesses, take your seats."

I thought, "Wow, I don't know.

I'm pretty liberal, but geez--"

This is my life, you know? What if he flies like he talks?

So he's back on. "Welcome to Sun service to San Francisco, San Jose...

and Spokane."

I thought, "Geez, this isn't gonna be good."

Too late though.

"Fasten your seat belts!"

I said, "Yeah, 'cause we're comin' slidin' down the runway!"

Somebody spit all over the steering wheel!

I don't know. Am I wrong there?

[ Audience ] No!

I just demand something. I demand to be served right.

[ Man ] Damn right.I demand it.

Maybe that's not the '60s.

I didn't serve in the '60s.

But-- Well, like remember service stations?

Remember that?[ Audience ] Yeah!

Boy, wasn't thatsomething?

Remember there was a dinger bell, an air hose?

You'd come driving in, it goes "Ding-dong!" The dude come running out!

"How may I serve you? Let me get the oil, the water, the gas, the windshield.

Let me do every damn thing I can for 32.9!"

Now what is it? It's a buck now, come down from a buck and a half.

Gone from "impossible" to "improbable."

And the dude lives in a little house way over there.

You gotta go, "Hey! Turn on the pump!"

[ Applause ]

You know?

"Abro o pumpo."

You wanna communicate. What are you gonna say?

"Mucho-Test?"

"Ocho-tane"? What are you gonna say?

Have you ever asked 'em for a quart of oil over in the little house?

"What do you want a quart of oil? At a gas station?

Go to a grocery store where you belong!"

For real.

- Am I wrong about this? - No!

Good!

I thought I was.

We try and communicate out on the road with each other...

and be in agreement on stupidity.

Don't we? Don't you?

I see your faces out on the road.

When we see an idiot driving, we all look around at each other and go--

I feel that camaraderie of people...

whose minds demand a little bit of reason too when you're driving.

These people are such idiots.

You always know they're in a hurry...

to get someplace and screw it up.

They go real fast in this lane, then jam on the brakes.

'Cause they can't get through.

You know you couldn't get through, otherwise you'd have driven over there. Right?

So they fade back, they fade back,

they come around, they come around, they go realfast.

Then they slam on the brakes again 'cause they can't get through.

Right? But you can see that.

That's why you didn't go over there.

If they were smart, they'd hang back with you.

'Cause you know there's a light up there where they're gonna have to stop in a minute anyway.

No sense racing up and sitting there for the whole light.

You can just tool up behind 'em, get out of the car, plenty of red,

walk up, tap on the window, say...

"What the fuck was all that back there?"

See, you got to call people on stupidity when they do it.

They don't expect you to.

I have so much to say when I'm in a car and I only have a horn.

It don't say enough.

A horn just goes, "Screw you!"

I have so many other things to say.

I'd like to have a microphone.

Microphone with a speaker up on top, like the cops got.

You can have 'em too.

Freedom of speech includes volume.

That'd be cool, wouldn't it?

That way when we wanted an agreement on something, we could just call out.

You'd go, "Is it me, or is thatan asshole?"

I got lots of ideas.

Let me show you one. Didn't I have one over here? Yeah.

Let me show you on this. I got an idea.

You know, truckers are really bugging me lately.

These truckers, they run right up on the back end of you.

You know how they do? They run right up, run right up, run right up.

We're driving these little cars too.

I can't believe Americans would drive...

these little rice-burning cars!

[ Applause ]

I look at that and I say, "You could've had a V-8!"

Yes!

I wanted to show you. My new idea is to have--

redesign the truck so that the truck driver...

is in a little more at jeopardy when he comes up behind you.

See, you make him drive--

Right out in the front there.

See? I got lots of ideas.

I just ain't in charge.

But I'm investing my money in these ideas.

You got to have something to put your money in.

I can let you people in on it. If you like any of the ideas, you can just give me some money.

I'm coming out with something to help kids eat greens. Kids don't wanna eat greens.

Peas on the cob.

It confuses 'em a little.

Let me see. I got a Zen laxative.

All Things Must Pass.

Sometimes all you need is a catchy little name!

This is America!

Right?[ Audience ] Right!

Just make money. That's all.Right!

It's a game.

You win if you got lots of money!Yeah!

All right, so how about a sweetener...

made from the pollen that bees get from marijuana flowers.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Ready for the name?

Sweet'n High.

Now, I don't want you people to think that I experiment with drugs, 'cause I don't.

I'm into full-scale research.

But someone must carry on this vital work now that Delorean's out of de business.

[ Applause ]

Boy, don't you wish you'd have run across his ass before the feds did?

What a babe in the woods!

I'd have said, Delorean, you're slapping fate in the face, pushing your luck.

You don't go through L.A.X. with 220 pounds!

You're allowed three bags.

[ Applause ]

Seventy pounds each!

The sky cap could have busted his ass.

"What do you got in here, man?"

He's so cocky. "Could we just blow?"

But he's innocent.

He can prove it. I can prove it.

Obviously wasn't using cocaine.

Otherwise his mind would've been racing.

When the feds come up, he'd have come up with a story.

Wouldn't you? "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

I'm... working on a car that runs on cocaine."

Then they say, "No, Delorean, that'd be too expensive to drive."

He says, "You just snort-start it.

Then it runs anywhere there's a white line."

But I like Delorean. I like his style.

Dig the dude's scope.

He said, "I can't make stainless steel, gull-winged, futuristic cars...

in the middle of a civil rebellion in Ireland?

Well, then I'll be the biggest cocaine dealer in Los Angeles."

Style!

This man knew that the world wasn't conquered by Alexander the Average,

Ivan the Bland or Attila the Ho-hum.

It was somebody that took ahold of the world and did something.

We don't teach that.

We teach our little kids communist theories.

We have communist institutions in our society...

which suppress the individual.

Yes, I'm talking about...

the Boy Scouts.

Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind,

obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent...

is the biggest bunch of bullshit...

I have ever heard!

"Trustworthy, loyal." Isn't that the same thing?

It begins by being redundant.

Always be suspicious of someone who has too much to say.

Except for me.

Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly.

Helpful andfriendly? Helpful isfriendly.

Who in the hell is gonna go, "Give me this. I'll carry this. You're so stupid"?

Courteous, kind, obedient.

You hear this? This is a slave or a dog.

Not a free-thinking individual that's gonna do things on his own.

Where's the "number one" spirit in there anywhere?

Winners. Ain't that American?

We're telling them to be thrifty and brave.

Save a penny, risk your life.

Makes no sense.

Why don't we just tell 'em "be hip"?

Be hip, dude. Don't wear that.

Be hip and be rich.

You wanna tell the little dude to be something he might be, say, "Be rich, dude."

You be rich, you don't have to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly--

All right, I just got one more idea. For a TV.

You watch these guys all the time,

and that's basically the picture that you always see.

I got little TV bodies that would complete--

Now, I invented this here. This is a good use of these old water bottles.

When you're in a room with a smoker, you just stick this over his head.

And, uh, of course you've all seen this before.

This is just a little invention of mine, but I still think it's very good.

Well--

Maybe we could take just a moment here to relax.

Let me get my guitar.

[ Applause, Cheering ]My old stool out here.

Settle down and sing a song.

[ Applause Continues ]

All right.Whoo!

This is the spontaneous portion of the show.

Would anyone like to just ask me a question?

Any question. I can handle it. Yes, sir. The Mexican over there.

What?What happened to the other car?

What happened to my other car?You used to drive out here.

The one I used to drive? This is a new show.

This is a new day. This is a new year.

Welcome to today.

[ Laughing ]

I had a new van door.

'Cause vans were in the '60s. Vans are cool.

Vans are still neat.

You pack up everything you need in the van.

Whenever you want it, slam on the brakes and it hits you in the back of the head.

Thank you. Are there any more just spontaneous questions?

[ Man ] How come we didn't get any cookies tonight?

You did not get any cookies tonight? Yes.

Well, comedy is a surprise, you see?

If I did exactly what you expected, then it wouldn't be damn funny!

[ Applause Continues ]

You guys.[ Cheering, Whooping ]

Yee-ha!

All right.

Hey, let's just take a--

Let's take an opportunity to get on down here.

Just relax and talk a little bit.

Get kinda family.

How many people came from a family? You came from a family.

Well, then a few of you can--

can kind of identify.

I think the '60s kind of had a family attitude to it.

I hope that it carries on now.

We were all involved in each other's lives.

You need to do that, even if it's a little thing.

Like, you see some guy walking along the street...

with his pants down to the crack of his ass.

It looks bad for the whole town.

You know?

Just come up and say, "Will you pull up your damn pants?

Where's your mother?"

Does your mom come over-- My mom don't come over no more.

I don't know. I'm glad she don't.

She'd always barge in the bathroom.

Mothers think they can just barge in the bathroom.

Sometimes I'm in there thinkin' about stuff.

One day I was in there.

I was wondering where your lap goes when you stand up.

And I go, "Now I don't have a lap.

Now I do have a lap.

Now I don't have a lap.

Now I do have a lap.

No, that's backwards."[ Laughing ]

[ Cheering, Applauding ]

"Now I have a lap. Now I don't have a lap."

Then Mom comes in. I said, "I wonder where it goes?"

She says, "It doesn't matter. Flush it."

Mom was more realistic than-- than Dad.

Dad tried to teach me. He wanted to teach me.

Did your dad try and do that?

"I wanna teach you, Son. Go ahead, ask me some questions."

So I think, "Okay, boy.

Did Ray Charles ever hit his tooth on the mic?"

Dad says, "I don't know."

I said, "If Janet Guthrie wins the 500, will she have to kiss the pretty girl?"

"I don't know."

Do single people have dirty backs?

"I don't know."

If the flying saucers land and little green guys get out and they're in the nude,

we won't know what not to look at.

Might be on top of their head.

Might tip their hat and expose themselves, you know.

So I'd ask Dad these things.

If M&M's melt in your mouth but not in your hand, what do they do, say, under your arm?

Dad says, "I don't know."

I said, "Do you mind me asking you these questions?"

He says, "No. How else you gonna learn?"

He said, "I wanted to talk to you about sex anyway."

I said, "Okay, what you wanna know?"

[ Laughing, Applauding ]

Dad says, "No, you can ask me anything. I think it's about time."

I said, "Okay, why is there only eight and a half months...

between your anniversary and my birthday?"

Yep. Dad said, "We're gonna have to have a man-to-man talk."

I said, "Why does a man-to-man talk always take place between a man and a boy?"

Then Dad answered me with a question. He said, "You want your face slapped?"

I said, "No, but I could use my butt kicked. What do you say?"

That's why they call it rearin' a child.

[ Audience Groans ]

Hey, sometimes words do mean what they say.

Or they have extra meanings, and sometimes they have meanings they shouldn't have.

Like I heard hungjury the other day.

And I say, "What, all guys?"

What'd I hear the other day seem really fun-- "Urban guerrillas."

I see this gorilla out mowin' the yard.

Leanin' on the fence, talkin' to the neighbors.

Doesn't your mind fill with images as you hear these words?

That's what the words are for. It's what language is all about.

I see "drive-through hamburgers."

Yah!

Birds Eye Foods is real dumb.

You don't, like, get a pack of peas with "Birds Eyes" on the outside.

God!

I saw-- A can said, "Pepsi Free."

And I said, "That means it don't have Pepsi in it."

"That's a Coke."

"Hog futures." I heard that.

Hogs don't have no future.

Bacon is not a career.

What'd I hear?

The other day I heard "solo synchronized swimming."

What is that?

If you're by yourself, what can you synchronize with?

Sounds dirty.

Like "breeding horses." That's--

You say, "What do you do?" "We breedhorses."

"Oh, yeah? What's involved?" You know, "Go on. Get up there now.

Go on. Get up there. You'll like her.

She's big-boned.

She has a nice personality."

What'd I hear? Well, "horse racing."

Do you ever hear about that? That seems strange to me.

Horses don't wanna race.

It's them little sumbitches on their back.

You put horses bare naked in the stalls, ring the bell, open the gate,

they just go, "La, la, la. La, la, la."

"Eat some grass. Loveyour tail."

Horse race is over too fast, I was thinkin' the other day.

It's about a minute and a half. That's too quick.

Oughta have big people for jockeys.

Dick Butkus should've been a jockey.

Retired football players get jobs as a jockey,

and then the horses' legs are bucklin' on the backstretch.

And he comes draggin' him across the finish line.

Cut out that photo finish bullshit.

Can you believe it? We're gonna take a picture of the finish and tell you what it said.

Not with my two dollars.

Topless female jockeys. Now--

[ Cheering, Applause ]

Now I'll buy a photo finish.

"Won by a nose! No. Oh, my God."

[ Chuckling ]

"If she hadn't been excited, she'd have lost that damn race."

Let me see.

What was I inventin'? A sport the other-- Oh, skeet golf.

Everyone say it now.

[ Audience ] Skeet golf.Isn't it fun?

You take all your regular clubs. Everyone say it now.

Skeet golf.

You take all your regular clubs and your shotgun.

You go ahead and drive, and if that ball goes anywhere you don't want it,

get out the gun and blow it up!

It's legal.

You can't play it where it lies if it don't lie.

See, we need to invent. Keep your mind active now.

Get that '60s feelin' about stuff.

Make your demands to be served.

I'm watchin' basketball. Boy, is it gettin' easy.

The guys are gettin' taller. The basket ain't gettin' no higher.

Is it? No, they're dunkin' it forward, dunkin' it backward.

Put your foot in your ear and dunk.

Right. Oughta put the pole back under the basket.

So when you come in for a layup, you get laid up.

We need some more "agony of defeat."

Am I right, gang?Yeah!

Oh, we gots our demands. We need to be involved.

We need to be entertained. We need video games.

Yeah![ Chuckling ]

Well, one thing about video games.

At least it keeps you from watching so much TV.

Do you have a video game in your relationship?

You calling each other Player 1 and Player 2?

Come on, Player 2! Come on, Player 2!

How many people are involved in a relationship?

How many people are married? Married people.

All right, you're not involved in a relationship.

If you're involved in a relationship,

you wanna know who's in charge in your relationship.

When you're laying in bed at night and you notice the light is still on,

you get up to go turn it off, look back in bed, 'cause that's who's in charge.

Sometimes you look at something 10, 12 times and it don't seem dumb.

Then that one time you look at it, you go--

I saw Dandy Don Meredith the other day on TV,

standin' in a furry coat in front of a snowstorm...

with a glass of Lipton Iced Tea.

"Iced tea in the wintertime? Why not?"

'Cause it's fuckin' dumb, that's why.

Let me see if you've seen this and you didn't think it was stupid.

Dog food where the flavor matches the shape.

What? What dog eats 'em one at a time?

[ With French Accent ] "Oh, the cheese-shaped one. I'll taste that.

And now the chicken. Maybe that, yeah.

The taste corresponds."

A dog eats 'em all at once.

He tastes a mush of all the flavors.

See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America.

Like scented toilet paper...

is the dumbest thing in the world.

It's the only thing you don't have to make smell good...

'cause it's gonna get fucked up!

Who is that smell there to impress?

My thumb?

If you wanna impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.

It's the same thickness where it ain't supposed to rip as it is where it is supposed to rip.

Is that dumb?

Has anybody ever needed one of them little squares?

I use two for a booger. Don't you?

I don't go diggin' with one ply.

What'd I see the other day seemed so dumb?

This woman comes walkin' in the butcher shop carryin' a plant.

And the butcher says, "Your plant's dry." She says, "So's your pork chops."

Any real man would say, "What are you doin', setting me up, bitch?

You wanna say something about my meat, you go ahead and say it.

Don't have to carry a plant around. What if I had said something about you?

Your legs don't touch at the top."

Ha-ha-ha!

Really?

They think we're just all foam heads.

Beer, you know? Gotta have a beer all the time.

Beer, beer, beer.Yeah!

Yeah!Yeah! All right!

Well, it ain't the only way to celebrate your accomplishments.

I saw this-- These three guys climb a mountain. Have you seen this commercial?

They get up to the top and say, "Boy, this ain't enough. We oughta have a beer."

Then one says, "You got three in your backpack!" [ Guffaws ]

This guy's real smart. Carried three clinkin' beers up the mountain, didn't know it.

Now he's gonna share 'em.

If you carried three beers, wouldn't they be yours?

See, you got to question this stuff. Just don't let it slide on by.

These people are diabolical on TV.

Have you ever seen-- Uh, have you watched the late movie?

[ Man Clapping ]Okay, one guy.

Who watched it with him? Somebody watched it.

He didn't stay up by himself and watch the movie!

Who watched the movie with him?Yeah!

You did? What is your name, dude?

I'm Rick.You're Ray?

- Rick. - Rick. "I'm Rick."

Like nobody else is Rick.

Damn, I'm glad I finally run across him.

I have met so many impostors.

Damn, you're a big Rick, ain't ya?

Let me see just how tall you'd be if I was to come up agin ya.

[ Laughing ]

How ya doin'?

Well, I'd only come up agin him once.

Rick, boy, I'm glad-- You must have a job. Don't ya?

You got on your work clothes. You come fresh from the job to the show, didn't you?

Late show.The late show.

[ Laughing, Applauding ]

Is Rick together with me on this?

Rick, when you was watchin' that late movie,

did you ever see a lot of public service announcements?

That's true.You did, didn't you?

Sometimes you'd see the same one two and three times, didn't you?

- That's right. - Did you see any during the Super Bowl?

Nope.

Wouldn't that have been a nice time to talk about child abuse?

That's why I'm talkin' to you, Rick.

You got any children livin'?

No.That's what I thought.

He done kill 'em.

But you see what they do, they pass a law in Washington.

Them boys puff themselves up real big and pass a law...

that a certain percentage of the broadcast day must have public service announcements.

And the networks said, "Oh, yeah?

Put 'em at the end."

Right? That's our world. Hey.

It's laid out right, ain't it?

Gotta get your mind in the '60s and see if this shit don't make sense. Does it?

Does it?No!

Stick with me on this. You think I'm the only one that don't like the phone company?

No!Am I?

No!I'm so tired...

of hearing them say, "You could hold down the cost of your phone bill...

if you would look it up yourself in the book."

I know it.

Do they have a book down there? No.

They have a computer, don't they? Why?

'Cause the book is dumb!

Whose idea was it anyway to give everybody in town a number?

Why don't you just dial their name?

[ Applauding ]

You might get a wrong number sometime,

but it would be the right name!

Mary Smith would be there!

It'd be nicer than getting-- These nice things.

"Mary Smith." They go, "Mary? No!"

You know? You'll be a little bit right.

Plus, we could handle it, see?

If they wanna hand stuff out, give us computers.

The book is obviously a dumb idea.

If you wanna cut down on the cost of the phone bill, quit printin' the damn books!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I did not come here tonight just to make you laugh.

I came here to sell you something.

And I want you to pay particular attention...

because in the modern kitchen there is a standard rule...

that for every kitchen task, you must have the proper tool.

You've got your corers, your borers,

your graters, your shredders, your hashers, your mashers, your hammers and "frammers,"

your "mealers" and peelers, corkscrewers and skewers,

and knives, you wives and dish-washing daughters,

will find in the depths of the dirty dishwater.

But you want all that shit in your drawers?

No!

You want all that shit in your drawers?

No!

Well, the amazing Mastertool Corporation,

a subsidiary of Fly-By-Night Industries has entrusted who-- me--

to show you the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool you've ever seen.

And don't you want to know how it works?

Yeah!Well, first you get out an ordinary apple.

You place the ordinary apple between the patented pans. Then what do you do?

You reach for the tool that is not a slicer, is not a dicer, is not a chopper.

What in the hell could it possibly be? Hey!

Sledge-O-Matic![ Cheering ]

Sledge-O-Matic!

What is it?

What is it?

What is it?

[ Shrieking, Laughing ]

Don't lettuce go good?

Look at that again!

Don't lettuce go good!

It goes better than these guys.

I hate cottage cheese.

Boy, do I hate it.

Isn't that somethin'?

[ Cheering ]

Here goes the chicken. The chicken.

There we go. No problem.

[ Audience Members Shouting ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I don't want to end a very smart show...

with a lot of stupidity.

So instead...[ Man ] Watermelon.

I would like to leave you with these words of wisdom.

One should always remember, don't pick shit up.

[ Laughing ]

Chances are, when you need it again, it'll be right there where you left it.

I want you to remember behind every successful man...

is an amazed mother-in-law.

[ Laughing, Applauding ]

So--

So I think it's worth trying to succeed...

just for the opportunity of fuckin' her up.

[ Cheering ]

Don't, uh--

Don't think that just because I haven't paid--

[ Audience Cheering ]

any attention to this little watermelon.

Is there anyone that particularly does not want me to smash this pig?

No!

Well, then let's go ahead and do it!

♪ The cops all got mustaches now ♪

♪ And your mother wears blue jeans ♪

♪ Back on the rack is a miniskirt ♪

♪ Are you beginning to see what I mean? ♪

♪ Check it out now

♪ What in the past keeps us coming back? ♪

♪ That's a fact every hippie knows ♪

♪ Because no bands have replaced ♪

♪ The Beatles and even Bob ain't no Dylan no more ♪

♪ So roll me a golden oldie

♪ Now take me where I been

♪ Set my mind on a wilder time ♪

♪ It's the '60s all over again ♪

♪ Sixties all over again

♪ Oh, it's the '60s all over again ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-boom ♪