Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.LT

Big Daddy signed my melon!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT

Got his autograph right here!

I feel so violated.

[thunder crashes]

[explosion]

[ominous music plays]

[up-tempo music plays]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[up-tempo music plays]

[cheering]

[cheering]

Ahhh!

Late! Late!

Come in late to the show, huh?

Front row center at a Gallagher show, late.

He won't mind.

You got mustard all over you. Let me help you.

[cheering]

You know, you missed the candy.

You want a Baby Ruth or a Mounds?

Mounds.

Mounds are [bleep].

[laughter]

Everybody in here knows it. Look at the kid behind you.

How old are you? Ten years old,

knows a Baby Ruth is better than a Mounds.

That's why he was in his seat. Or is it a girl?

I can't tell anymore. Huh?

Are you a boy or a girl?

Huh? It's just a head sticking out of a plastic bag!

Looks like Jeffrey Dahmer's garbage.

[cheering]

Well, what-- is that your mom?

Is that your mom there?

Well, is that a boy or a girl? What is it?

It's a boy! All right!

It looks a lot like you. Oh, is that your son too?

That one looks like him.

So sometimes, you use his sperm, sometimes you don't.

All right, what one do you want?

Chunky, or this yellow, faggy little thing?

You want the little yellow faggy thing,

'cause you look like Mom and you want Chunky.

It's hard to tell who's a He-Man anymore.

Here's two of these wrestlers I got.

They got these magnets at the end. You like 'em, don't you?

I heard a kid was all excited.

What are you raising your hand for?

I'm not giving away my good [bleep].

Look at this. One guy lifts the other. Oh!

Is that gay or what?

Look at him, he's got, like, red things on his pants

and, uh, it's all... What's his name? Nash.

He's got blonde hair.

Like Hulk used to have blonde hair.

Look at this old doll. This one's an old one,

when Hulk had some hair.

Now, he lost his hair and he wears this rag now.

This one, you push the button in the back

and his arm just moves a little-- Look.

You couldn't even masturbate with that much-- Look.

[laughter]

Maybe it's broken now. Maybe--

You can have my broken one.

Bro-- quit fighting over it!

It landed on you and you didn't grab it!

He got it! Hey! Hey! Pay attention!

[audience shouting]

You can fight over it later. That's your brother?

Oh. Oh, your best friend,

you're fighting with your best friend.

A lot of good that makes, a best friend, right?

Just somebody close to hate.

Look here, this is, um...

Uh... oh, it's like an accountant.

Uh... Goldberg, right.

Yeah, it's Goldberg.

Well, it ain't exactly a wrestler name.

But that's who-- Actually, I'm trying

to look like Steve Austin. But I...

-[cheering] -I look...

I look more like Goldberg I think.

Let me see.

This, I thought, this was Steve Austin.

But it's just another Goldberg. He can have different, uh,

different build. This one you can just

do his feet real funny.

See, if you had-- if you'd have shared with him,

I might have given you something else for sharing.

That was all a test. You can't act like

that is the last thing in the world.

There's other things that you can get.

-Those are moms clapping. -[laughter]

-I should have used my whistle. -[whistle sputters]

Oh, [bleep] whistle is that?

-[blows whistle] -See, it looked like

a little soccer ball, I thought that would be cute.

But then it's one of these Chinese things.

-[blows whistle] -Just made to sell,

it ain't made to work.

What are you guys upset about? You ain't Chinese, are you?

Huh?

They don't know how to make something the kids really want.

It's hard. Look at this. This is a ridiculous idea.

Let me show that to the camera. Look at this.

This, you're supposed to throw this against a wall

and then it can come back to you.

[laughter]

But, if you-- so you throw it that way,

which means it goes in the wrong direction there

just to come in the right direction back.

You could just throw it in the right direction there,

and I think sometimes it turns around. Let me see.

[shouts] Scared the cameraman.

All right, what's going on here?

Sit down. Well, get in here during showtime.

There are-- there's not a seat there.

You have tickets? All right, I tell you what.

Everybody here get up and move over.

'Cause there's an empty seat there.

Oh, are you in the wrong seat? Okay.

All right, everybody here...

Oh, you didn't wanna sit next to Mr. Mustard?

Well, who wants your butt in their face

the whole way across now?

Look at this poor little girl, she has to--

You and your damn drunk ass in her face.

All right, sit down!

The hell you wearing your crocheted damn top for

to a Gallagher show?

-Huh? -[cheering]

Did you feel the excitement in the room?

Why would you wear a crocheted, nice, uh, white top

that might get something on it

to the third row of a Gallagher show? Huh?

What are you, an idiot?

That's a problem. It's not just the little boys.

Everybody in this country needs a good whipping.

They don't know what the hell they're doing,

they're getting away with everything,

the schools don't teach them nothing,

so they just grade on the curve.

Right? They don't blame the teacher.

Hell, no, we don't wanna blame nobody.

If Clinton can get away with what he gets away with,

why should anybody have to pay the penalty? Right?

That's a problem. That's a problem.

First, Alomar spits in the umpire's face,

now I'm watching football last week

and, uh, one of the receivers,

he thought the call went against him or something,

he takes a water bottle and is gonna squirt the umpire.

Fifteen yards, unsportsmanlike conduct.

There you go. What?

-[inaudible] -Forty grand also?

For squirting him like that? Because the kids are look--

Look, they're already fighting with each other. You see this?

Why? 'Cause they're going to the wrestling matches.

Look at this.

These are the heroes the kids have, the wrestlers.

We're-- we're lucky they're not breaking each other's backs.

Picking their sister up and conking her on her head.

We're laughing, but these are the heroes and the images

that we're giving the kids. Spit in the umpire's face,

show up late in your good blouse.

What are you wearing your big, old sweater for?

I got mustard. You want mustard in that damn sweater?

[cheering]

What's the matter with you?

Well, why-- why... why do you make me feel bad?

It's not just mustard. Hell, I got battery acid.

[cheering]

You better have plastic that's real thick.

See, you thought, "Well, he'll just do the same shit

he always did."

I am not.

This show's about America.

You see my American flags back here?

This is about innovation...

This is about innovation and doing things different

than you've ever seen before.

That's who I am, for you people.

Is that... that's a ping-pong ball. It don't work good.

These Super Balls work better on this side.

I'm still working on it. But, uh...

But at least I'm trying new things, you see?

You never heard of the Japanese or the Chinese

inventing anything.

They just make it for us.

We're supposed to invent everything.

And-- and then...

[grunts]

Actually, you don't have to run after the ball.

Oh, [bleep].

[applause, cheering]

Today, I was trying something new.

I was wearing my fish face.

And I was out...

I was out at the beach.

And... I was trying to get a seagull.

So I had my fishing pole out,

up high in the air, trying to get a seagull

to come down and have that cheese... cheese...

What are they called? Cheetos.

Had some Cheetos there. Don't that look tantalizing,

if you was a crazy damn seagull?

But guess-- I was down here, it's downtown.

They got a parking lot over here

where all the homeless seagulls hang out.

And what do you predict? Do you think they came in

and go this Cheeto from me?

No, they're [bleep] up by this fish head.

They was.

I went over the bait shop near the old bridge

and they waited on me and didn't say [bleep].

But, you see...

...being an American is being different and unusual.

-[cheering] -That's right.

And not being in a rut, stepping outside the rut.

Not going along with everybody else

just 'cause they're doing it.

Just 'cause everybody else has an earring

don't mean you have to wear an earring.

Them other people might be homosexuals.

Then there you are, you're wearing an earring,

and you're pissing off all the queers

that keep coming up to you.

Come on up here and show them what you got.

Come up here.

He's got a damn thing through his eyebrow.

Is that the only one,

or do you have something somewhere else?

-No, that's the only one. -Were you thinking about

a belly button? Did you think...

-'Cause it... you're... -My girlfriend has one.

Oh, and you don't wanna do nothing she does.

Right.

Yeah, but your mom wears earrings.

Why would you wear an earring?

What if you're the only person in the world that wanted that?

Would you do that, or did you-- Oh, yeah, sure.

-I would. -[laughter]

-What's your name? -Rob.

-Rob? -Yeah.

And you think that you would stand alone and be unusual

-and unique in the world? -I would.

No, you wouldn't. You're just doing that

'cause everybody else does. Let me see these pants you got on.

All right, now what's the deal on this--

Oh, this is a beeper? You're a drug dealer?

-Yeah. -[laughter]

[cheering]

Well, at least you don't have your pants pulled down

so your butt shows. Were you thinking of doing that?

-I hate that. -You hate that.

So you're kinda choosy about which things

you take from the modern culture.

All right, go on and sit down.

-Is this your brother? -This is my best friend.

Your best friend? Are you gonna fight with him?

[laughter]

Hey, hey! What'd I say?

Stop fighting!

We need somebody to set limits

and tell people the definition of things.

Sex, for instance, is not something that you can do,

and the other person isn't doing.

Clinton tried that one. No.

You cannot have sex with somebody

who's not having sex with you,

although it might work with who Clinton was married to.

'Cause...

...she don't look like she'd be fun to do anything with.

[laughter, cheering]

Look at their child. Does that look like...

...the result of a love relationship?

No.

See, we need to tell the kids what things are.

But this-- this world we're living in

is a half of this and a half of that

and nothing is totally anything.

You can't tell me one thing in the world anymore

that is totally-- Where's that girl

with them socks and sandals?

Bring her up here. She-- I met her today at the...

Come up here and show everybody that.

This is crazy. If you're gonna wear sandals,

it's 'cause you wanna show your feet.

If you're gonna have on socks, you're gonna wear shoes

'cause your feet are cold. You don't have--

I met her at the grocery store

and she was wearing socks and sandals.

All right, she said she had even crazier ones

than the ones she had on. The ones you had on

had a place for your big toe, between your big toe

and your other-- All right, Mr. Cameraman,

look at these. These are rainbow.

Every toe is separate. Look at that.

Every toe. So you can just scratch in between 'em

and everything, can't you? Isn't that the craziest?

There's people out there right now that are saying,

"Ooh, I want them."

-Walmart. -Huh?

-Walmart. -Walmart.

You mean they have them for sale?

I thought somebody made them for you special.

The ones I wore at the grocery were made special.

Yeah, but they only had a place for one,

-and this is even more... -More toes.

More toes. At Walmart, you can get all toes.

But one toe has to be made special.

-What? -Can I have a kiss?

-Could you have a kiss? -My birthday's next Saturday.

[cheering]

Okay.

She's in the Marines, I guess.

Well, you can't call it nothing special

if it ain't special.

In fact, I don't even know if the word "special"

means anything anymore.

You can't give me one word that hadn't been ruined.

We used to have a thing called a... a foul,

where you would foul somebody in basketball

and you'd get punished.

But then they started doing it on purpose,

'cause it was better to make 'em shoot two shots.

Now, that ain't a sport, is it? When you make somebody

shoot two shots and there was gonna--

You know, you were beat. You were beat!

Right? And then you use the rules against--

It almost seems like something Clinton would make up.

Don't it? It sounds like...

"Ooh, foul him on purpose."

So now, they have what they call a flagrant foul.

This is being illegal too much.

[laughter]

Now, how many use the word "flagrant"?

We never use it. Sounds gay, don't it? It sounds...

[lisping] "He just pushed me...

...too hard!"

We're laughing, but now what does flagrant mean?

See, we ask our officials to come up with all--

They're the only ones that are making any decision,

are the officials. Like that little referee

at that heavyweight fight that had to say, "No.

This is over. If you're gonna eat his ear,

it's..."

-[man shouts] -Right. That's right.

He said something is something, it's illegal. You can't...

In fact, he let him do it twice, didn't he?

He said, "Shit, I told you not to eat his ear,

and you ate his ear!"

Nothing's ever anything.

How many times do they catch these drunk drivers

before they finally put them away?

Right? Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine times.

If you haven't been caught for drunk driving,

go ahead, you get one free. Go ahead!

You get two, you get three.

Do you see? Mills Lane he didn't think it,

he might have done that by accident.

Oh, he probably just caught his teeth on his ear.

See? We laugh. But it...

'Cause it's embarrassing that the world don't have

one bit of truth left in it, no st--

Quit farting around with your plastic!

I'm telling you something important,

you're farting around!

This is what happens in school! They don't learn [bleep]!

They're farting around!

[cheering]

All right, stand up. Stand up.

Yeah, you're farting around. All right, turn around,

tell everybody what nine times six is.

[laughter]

You had it, you had it. All right.

Well, I didn't think you knew it. You look dumb.

You didn't know what nine times six was, did you?

Oh, you got that away from him, didn't you?

And you put it in your crotch.

Is that where you keep your real safe stuff?

How did he get it away from you? Come up here and tell me.

I wanna hear this. Come here.

Come on up here, and tell me.

Come on, I don't want you to yell.

Come up and tell me, tell me exactly what he said

'cause you had it, clean.

It landed on his chest and I saw,

you reached over and grabbed it, 'cause he lost it. Right?

-Right. -Right, that should--

would have been, uh, if there was a referee

that said, "Possession, your way," right?

You'd have had it, right? What did he say

-to get it away from you? -Nothing. I just gave it to him.

-[audience] Aww! -[applause]

Wow.

All right, how much money you want?

-What? -How much money you want?

-How much money? -[audience shouting]

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you my money, and you give me some of it back.

[audience shouting]

Three dollars?

-Four dollars? -You said some.

I know, but you gave him the doll,

and then you had nothing. I'm trusting you like--

like you were trustworthy with him.

You give him something. How come you don't--

There's a 20 in there, big [bleep] stuff.

There's five, there's 20, that's $43.

You're giving me four?

All right, the rest of the fives.

Oh, you're just keeping the 20 and the ten?

-[cheering] -All right, sit down.

What?

You're so un-used to things being relevant

and real and meaningful, this seems unusual to you.

We live in a world of such pablum and crap

and make-believe. Don't you believe--

Don't you see what I'm talking about?

It's terrible. It's pitiful. It is.

Everybody's dressing and acting like each other

to confuse everybody.

Some people dress like a nut just to be a nut.

How can you tell a nut now?

How do you tell your kid, "Oh, look, that's a nut

wearing a hospital gown and a cowboy hat. Watch out."

-[audience member shouts] -Show you what?

-[indistinct shouting] -I am.

[laughter]

I'm gonna show you everything. I'm gonna show you

not only how to get along in life,

but how to have fun too.

You can apply your brain to everything

if you'll just wake your brain up.

Your brain got put to sleep

by TV and the government and...

-[audience shouting] -Even religion.

Some of these religions, they'll put you to sleep too.

[cheering, shouting]

I'm not-- I'm criticizing the Lord

because he's just as much the fault in all this as--

In fact, if he's in charge, he's the fault.

[cheering]

You don't think God doesn't have a hand in all this confusion?

Look what he did. He made men and women so different,

they can never live in the same house,

then sprinkled you with the desire to want to try.

[cheering]

God made your underarms stink

right here where you can smell it.

God made you wanna kiss each other

and put a nose full of boogers upside down over your mouth.

He gives you one hand that works good

and one hand that don't.

Then he put your butt back here

where you can hardly get to it to wipe.

Look, you can just about reach it.

Then only one hand you trust to do it.

Admit it, if you hurt this hand, you don't wipe your butt.

This is God, he could have fixed it any way he wanted.

He could have made you poop out the bottom of your foot.

Then all you gotta do is like that.

[cheering, applause]

But he's having fun and games.

And confusion.

He made men logical and then made women emotional.

There's absolutely no way we could ever understand a woman

'cause they're not logical.

[cheering]

They shave their eyebrows off and paint them back in.

They paint their face with makeup

that don't match their neck.

And they use toilet paper when they don't even poop.

That ain't pee paper.

That's poop paper.

Then they think that we're the ones ruining the environment.

And here are trees being cut down.

So you can-- I don't know what you do.

You all wanna be like men, do what we do.

Stomp your foot.

You're done. How'd you like if after we peed,

we got some toilet paper and tap...

How ridiculous.

I'm sure they'd come in and look in the toilet, say,

"Why is that in there?"

You know how they look through the trash and [bleep].

They're like detectives.

That's just for pooping.

I can't believe I gotta explain all of this.

My gosh!

How come we can't do the simplest damn thing?

We made two probes to go to... to Mars,

and they just wave at the planet as they go on by.

Two hundred million dollars, bye!

That's why the flying saucers don't land.

They see this happening.

Oh, [bleep].

[laughter]

-What? -[cheering]

Somebody sitting in your seat?

[woman shouting]

All right, let's see. Do you-- row B?

C. Well, why you standing in the second row?

All right. Good.

-Huh? -[man speaking]

Who's "they"? You don't do what other people say.

What, an old lady? You're listening to old ladies,

big guy like you, listening to an old lady?

With Tide on your jacket.

Go do another load and come back.

[laughter]

We gotta come and get-- What are you doing?

Are-- are you married to him?

Oh, what are you doing?

Oh, you have a happy birthday?

All right, how many people are having a birthday today?

-Stand up. -[shouting]

One...

...two, three,

four, five,

six, seven, eight.

See how special you are? Nine. [laughs]

Ten.

What about you?

Period don't count. A lot of them are having their period.

All right, how many are on their period?

One...

Now, sometime tonight we've gotta get down

to making some exploding pies.

[cheering]

'Cause we're videotaping tonight,

we'll be able to judge these things.

I want to smash a lot more stuff than I normally would

-because we want a video... -[cheering]

Let me put on...

Oh, [bleep].

This has-- it don't button good. I don't know why

a chef wouldn't have a hat...

It has this little thing that goes in,

then comes out real easy.

All right, there you go.

I feel like that new guy on television, what--

-[shouting] -Who is he?

-[shouting] -Oh, right. He stole my [bleep].

Bam. I'll show ya bam.

All right, now how much to put in there?

Put it in about level.

Just about level.

Now...

I'm not gonna pour in these pickles

because it has a liquid in there.

See that liquid?

Liquid is not hydraulic.

Gooey is hydraulic.

Liquid, if you smack it, just goes out flat, like that.

See that? That's liquid.

It goes out flat, so we're gonna pour off

the pickle pee into this diaper stuff here.

This is a Depends diaper. It has adult suckability.

Grandma loves her Depends diaper.

Now the kids can hug her when she's drinking beer

and she don't pee on 'em.

So we put those on top.

And then when we smack that, that'll go out real pretty.

This is all gonna be real pretty and spectacular.

All right, so I wanna pour some of this liquid

off of the corn.

Because I wanted the creamed corn in there.

Now I'm gonna add the corn to the creamed corn.

This is gonna be beautiful. We'll get this later on tape.

You got plenty of tape? All right, good.

This is gonna happen.

We'll put this down here for right now.

Let's do two dozen-- three dozen...

-[cheering] -Now, you know what?

When you act like-- when you act like that,

I know I did the right thing.

See, if you don't want me to do these things,

pretend like it doesn't bother you.

Don't go, "Oh, [bleep]!"

'Cause then I think to myself, "That was right."

See, there ain't nothing else at the grocery store

gooey like cactus except for eggs.

Now, I'm taking off the scratchy shells

because there might be somebody out there knows a lawyer.

And they'll sue you and then they'll claim

they need their eyes at work or something like that.

'Cause I been sued before and I found out

that the things I wanna do late at night for fun

sound real dumb in court in the morning.

[laughter]

[cheering]

Honey, that's gonna go good.

I'm gonna smack this,

and your head gonna look like a candy apple.

Two pounds of honey.

'Cause one pound isn't enough.

You have to have enough in there

to go scooting out the sides.

If you don't put enough, it just vaporizes

and it's not satisfying.

You'll see. I'll smack some stuff

and you'll say to yourself, "That wasn't satisfying."

You will. You'll say, "I need more than that, Gallagher."

I may smack this with a new hammer I have

with a hole up the middle.

So you'll see Gallagher's golden rod.

Oh! I had line, but the distance... oh, sh...

I threw that one less hard, and it still went as far.

And I got butter, too. That's gonna go good.

I think I'll just put the butter up on top of the jell--

No, it should have its own.

What does that look like, men?

You're damn right.

[man shouts]

What did he say it was?

Oh! Do I look like I'm tired?

[audience] No!

That's right, I'm ready to continue!

-[audience] Yeah! -[cheering]

In fact, later tonight, I'm gonna be over on...

...uh, Groucho Street, Grady Street...

[audience shouting]

Gregory! Gregory Street.

Checking out chicks in my new outfit.

This will let them know what I'm after.

That's my rooster comb and here's my rooster feathers.

Once this becomes a fad, you'll have to get 'em.

All right, now check it out. I see a chick,

and I give her a little... huh?

Then I show her what I got.

Hey, honey.

You make my comb stand up.

[laughs]

Bitch, you turn me off.

So later tonight I'll be over there.

We'll videotape. You want to?

Always trying new things.

If you don't do new things, you're just standing still.

Don't wanna stand still.

You see this hat I made with the back on both sides?

Everybody in the world had a chance to invent this hat.

I give them a chance. I had the idea for a year

and I just set back and waited.

Nobody made it so I stepped in and I did it.

That's right. Only me. That's right.

Everybody in the world knew what Lorena Bobbitt did,

but I'm the only one...

[laughter, cheering]

...who's invented what you're gonna need.

Sure, it's big, but I figure why not upgrade?

If you get the chance, why put on the same you had.

You see how I think outside the box?

Most people think, "Oh, my dick's over there,

I better sew it back on."

But I think, "No, you know, they're transplanting a lot

of baboon hearts and lungs.

There must be some extra baboon pieces lying around."

[cheering]

Let me get Mr. P up here.

-All right, you ready? -I'm ready to do some smashing.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we wanna show you

the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool you've ever seen!

[cheering]

First you get out some ordinary apples, you place the apples

between the patented pans, then you reach for the tool

that is not a slicer, it's not a dicer,

it's not a chopper in a hopper.

What in the hell could it possibly be, Dustin?

-Sledge-O-Matic! -All right, do it!

It's Sledge... Sledge-O-Matic!

-[cheering] -Give me that.

That's not it. Sledge... Sledge-O-Matic!

[cheering]

Is it just that easy with lettuce?

Yes, it's just that easy with lettuce!

Is it just that easy with citrus?

Yes, it's just that easy with citrus!

But what about cottage cheese?

What about cottage cheese?

That's not the question. The question is:

what goes further, cottage cheese or tofu?

All right, Dustin, did you see-- or Destin? Destin?

Did you see how far the... the cottage cheese went?

-[indistinct] -All right. All right.

All right, put your hand up how far it went.

All right, now watch the... the tofu.

You got about another four rows.

Another four rows on tofu?

All right, what if we put...

...the tofu in the middle of the cottage cheese?

[cheering]

And get one of them bigguns up here.

All right, Big Daddy.

[cheering]

They're calling for you, Big Daddy.

Come on up here.

There it is.

-[indistinct] -What is?

-The handle's... -The handle's slick for you?

All right. Let me see. Where's that towel?

All right, throw me the towel.

All right. Oh!

You want to wear a, uh, a poncho?

[audience] No!

Yeah, you wanna wear a poncho. Put it on real fast.

There you go.

[booing]

All right, there you go.

I wouldn't stand right there.

[laughter]

Can we have a little more house lights?

I wanna see just how far it goes.

Could we have more house lights than we have right now?

How difficult is that to have the house lights

come up some? Do we have to find--

what is that, the janitor and his keys?

Usually named Mr. Menendez.

[laughter]

Donde estas, SenorMenendez?

Oh, they're all the way up? All right, it's all the way up.

That's all the way up. All right.

[audience shouting]

-[cheering] -You got that?

All right, we're gonna sing the National Anthem.

♪ And the rockets' red glare

♪ The butter bursting

♪ In air

[cheering]

♪ Gave proof

♪ Through the pickles

♪ That the mayonnaise and cherries ♪

♪ Was still...

♪ Oh, say does that star-spangled-- ♪

I'm gonna do this one.

♪ Spangled-- I'm gonna use the hammer

with the hole in the middle.

♪ Yet wave

♪ O'er the land

-♪ Of... -♪ The free

No, honey. ♪ Honey

♪ Hon... honey

[cheering]

♪ And the home

♪ Of eggs and marsh...

♪ ...mallows

All right.

You ready to really make a big splash?

All right. You're getting rice...

Rice in a frying pan. Okay?

[cheering]

Pretty good.

Is there any rice left? A little bit.

But not a lot.

All right, let's make a rocket fly over there

into the trash can.

We'll have-- we got two rocketeers here.

Come on over here and stand,

and I'll set up your rocket for you.

Get your balls ready.

All right, we have to have a launching pad.

Because the top of the table is rubber,

and if you don't put some aluminum there,

it sticks and it just stays here.

All right, now, you just hit the back end.

-Where you going? -Oh...

Yeah, it's going in the trash can.

-I can do it. -You could do it?

Now? Oh.

All right, now... you don't have to kill it.

You have to hit it accurately. That's what we're going for.

We already killed it one time. All right. That lined up?

Lined up. All right.

-[cheering, booing] -All right. What happened?

You hit it right in the middle, didn't you?

Well, it ain't gonna go if you hit it in the middle, is it?

You gotta hit it so... whoo!

It don't smell anymore.

[bleep], man.

All right, look. You gotta do it so it...

You just hit the back end, and then it-- right.

Just the back end. All right? You hit the whole--

You creamed the rocket, man.

There's no rocket left.

Let's have a look at your mom, see if she's proud.

No!

Mommy is not proud.

-[audience groans] -That was an improvement.

It was an improvement. As long as he's getting better,

something's happening.

All right, biggun, you ready?

All right, let me set one up for you.

Let him have a try. Maybe it's the wrong hammer.

Maybe you need his hammer. He's got a lighter hammer

with a squarer head, so it'll hit flatter.

Not that-- right. Right there.

On the end. It don't have to be hit hard.

It just has to be kind of accurate.

'Cause you know what? Sometimes I smack it

and it don't even open up.

It just runs and flies over there without rocket power

and goes in. If...

If God wants it, you know, it's all about...

It's all about God.

Oh, that's cheating.

You're one of them ass-kissing God worshippers, aren't you?

Did you just kiss God's ass?

All right, well, maybe he don't like that.

All right. Get ready. Here we go.

I think he's gonna do it.

'Cause, of course, he got God on his side now.

There you go. That's a good spot.

Watch your balls.

-Oh! -[audience] Oh!

Hey, it did exactly what I said, didn't it?

It didn't-- oh, it didn't-- It had a little bit of crunch.

It had a little bit... I believe it's leaking a little bit.

If you hit it again real quick,

I believe it'll still be a rocket.

You did real good. All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll move it.

[bleep]!

I'll move it if it ain't going in right.

That had to be my dumbest moment.

[spits]

What the hell was I thinking?

You know what I thought? I thought, "You know what?

That mouthwash is going everywhere but in my mouth."

What if you just did that in the morning?

You took the mouthwash, shut your mouth,

and threw it in your face.

Said, "You know what? Your breath still stinks,

but I smell mouthwash.

Did you just fart a Christmas tree?"

All right, let me just show--

Oh, somebody else put one up there.

-Did you do that? -Yeah.

Oh, you did it? All right. You wanna try it

with his hammer, and see if you can do it better?

Boy, you're just-- you figured it out now.

Doing [bleep] on his own and everything.

[audience] Oh!

Try it again.

We want one for the videotape. We're taping.

We gotta have one go in.

Even if we have to tie a string on it

and carry it over.

We need one to go in, okay?

All right, I think a little bit snappier than that one.

That one wasn't snappy. Are you getting tired?

-No, I'm good. -You're good?

-Yeah. -It felt like you got

a little tired right in through there.

What is that attributed to, if you're good?

You lazy?

You are, aren't you? You're lazy.

All right, get your [bleep] together!

Suck it up!

Do some [bleep] now!

Oh!

But from that angle, it looked like it went in, didn't it?

All right, we gonna fix that in post.

All right, now turn on some music so we can really

do some smashing, it'll be exciting

for the ending of the show.

[upbeat pop music plays]

[cheering]

[music continues]

That worked good.

All right, hold your hammer over your head

for the big bow, hold your hammer.

[cheering]

[music continues]

[cheering]

[cheering]