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1
00:00:01,375 --> 00:00:03,500
Bobby's old Crab-Fest t-shirt.
2
00:00:03,583 --> 00:00:05,125
What's that doing
in our kitchen?
3
00:00:05,208 --> 00:00:06,667
Oh, Bobby never understood
4
00:00:06,750 --> 00:00:08,667
that different drawers
were for different things,
5
00:00:08,750 --> 00:00:09,917
so he used to put
his stuff everywhere.
6
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,000
That's insane.
7
00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:12,959
My cousin Chestnut
used to do the same thing.
8
00:00:13,041 --> 00:00:14,667
That was before
his own pigs murdered him.
9
00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:16,333
Well, the pigs may have
killed him,
10
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:18,625
but it wasn't murder.
"Murder" implies forethought.
11
00:00:18,709 --> 00:00:19,709
Oh.
12
00:00:19,792 --> 00:00:21,166
No, he was murdered.
they're gonna have a trial.
13
00:00:21,250 --> 00:00:22,875
Do the pigs have pig lawyers?
14
00:00:22,959 --> 00:00:24,041
No, they're human lawyers.
15
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,417
How do the pigs
and humans communicate?
16
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,500
Interpreters.
17
00:00:27,583 --> 00:00:29,125
Do they walk
on two legs or four?
18
00:00:29,208 --> 00:00:31,125
- In court, two.
- Come on!
19
00:00:31,208 --> 00:00:33,000
Do they make them wear
little prison jumpsuits?
20
00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:34,875
All right, stop it.
We've had this insane
21
00:00:34,959 --> 00:00:36,041
conversation before.
22
00:00:36,125 --> 00:00:38,000
- Are you sure?
- Unless I've had
23
00:00:38,083 --> 00:00:40,834
the "killer pigs in court"
conversation somewhere else,
24
00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:42,083
yeah, I'm sure.
25
00:00:42,166 --> 00:00:43,792
After six years
and hundreds of stories,
26
00:00:43,875 --> 00:00:45,458
you're bound to repeat
one of them.
27
00:00:45,583 --> 00:00:46,750
And it's nice,
28
00:00:46,834 --> 00:00:48,750
as long as you love the people
you're sharing the stories with.
29
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:50,333
I'm getting all choked up,
30
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:52,375
and I feel like
it's a week too early for that.
31
00:00:52,458 --> 00:00:54,375
Sweetie,
this is never gonna end.
32
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,166
Of course, that's what
cousin Chestnut thought.
33
00:00:57,542 --> 00:00:59,166
Before his pigs shot him.
34
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,000
Jules, your dad knows
35
00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,959
he can't sell moonshine
out here, right?
36
00:01:08,041 --> 00:01:10,500
{\an8}Probably not,
but that's his jug band.
37
00:01:10,583 --> 00:01:12,667
{\an8}they got hired to play a show
at the plaza tomorrow night.
38
00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:13,875
{\an8}Hey, Dad.
39
00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:15,125
{\an8}You excited to rock out
40
00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:16,709
{\an8}with The Big Ol' Jugs tomorrow?
41
00:01:16,792 --> 00:01:18,875
{\an8}Well, first off,
The Jugs don't rock.
42
00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:21,166
{\an8}We blow.
And second, we just broke up.
43
00:01:21,250 --> 00:01:22,417
{\an8}What happened?
44
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:23,709
{\an8}Our late singer, Irv, died.
45
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,041
{\an8}Oh, I'm so sorry.
46
00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:27,583
{\an8}That's all right.
It was natural causes.
47
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:29,625
{\an8}At our age,
every morning you wake up
48
00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,875
{\an8}is a pleasant surprise.
49
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,000
{\an8}Irv's son Waz took his place,
50
00:01:36,083 --> 00:01:37,500
{\an8}which would have been fine
51
00:01:37,583 --> 00:01:41,583
{\an8}until he demanded that
we put his fiancée in the band.
52
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:42,875
{\an8}Is she not talented?
53
00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:44,125
{\an8}She's a chick.
54
00:01:44,458 --> 00:01:45,792
{\an8}We're men.
55
00:01:45,875 --> 00:01:48,291
{\an8}The Jugs have always been men.
56
00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:51,208
{\an8}Now we're in this
Yoko Ono situation.
57
00:01:51,291 --> 00:01:52,542
{\an8}Oh, like the chocolate drink?
58
00:01:53,333 --> 00:01:54,625
{\an8}Stupid Waz.
59
00:01:55,208 --> 00:01:56,458
{\an8}I hate people.
60
00:01:56,542 --> 00:01:58,291
{\an8}Do you hate all people
or just some?
61
00:01:58,375 --> 00:01:59,959
{\an8}Just a-holes, jagoffs,
62
00:02:00,041 --> 00:02:02,583
{\an8}chuckleheads, morons,
and dipwads.
63
00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:03,959
{\an8}What's a dipwad?
64
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,166
{\an8}Pipe down, chucklehead.
65
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,333
{\an8}You got burned by Chick.
66
00:02:07,417 --> 00:02:09,875
{\an8}- Cram it, dipwad.
- Mm.
67
00:02:09,959 --> 00:02:11,417
{\an8}I think I have
a new best friend.
68
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:13,458
{\an8}Oh, there's Tom. Hey, Tom.
69
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,166
{\an8}Tom.
70
00:02:16,417 --> 00:02:17,750
{\an8}Aah!
71
00:02:19,041 --> 00:02:21,500
{\an8}Oh, hey, guys.
Um, sorry. I was just...
72
00:02:22,166 --> 00:02:24,500
{\an8}Oh,
locating your next victim?
73
00:02:24,583 --> 00:02:25,959
{\an8}Uh, that's M-- Mary.
74
00:02:26,041 --> 00:02:27,542
{\an8}She's the sister of a patient
75
00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:30,041
{\an8}I performed a ventriculostomy
on last month.
76
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:32,500
{\an8}She sat with him
through the entire recovery,
77
00:02:32,583 --> 00:02:34,041
{\an8}holding hands,
singing songs,
78
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:36,208
{\an8}even when he was asleep.
79
00:02:36,291 --> 00:02:37,583
{\an8}She's like an angel.
80
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,417
{\an8}I want to meet her. Hey, Mary!
81
00:02:41,083 --> 00:02:43,250
{\an8}Hey, angel face,
over here.
82
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,208
{\an8}Tom, you should
have asked that girl out.
83
00:02:49,291 --> 00:02:50,500
{\an8}I can't.
84
00:02:50,583 --> 00:02:52,291
{\an8}This may come as a surprise
to you all,
85
00:02:52,375 --> 00:02:55,500
{\an8}but I sometimes give off a...
creepy vibe with women.
86
00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:57,000
{\an8}- No.
- No, that's not true.
87
00:02:57,083 --> 00:02:59,000
{\an8}- You?
- You're exaggerating.
88
00:02:59,083 --> 00:03:00,208
{\an8}It's true.
89
00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:02,458
{\an8}- Really?
- No. No, it's not possible.
90
00:03:02,542 --> 00:03:04,875
{\an8}- Come on! No, no.
- It is.
91
00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:07,875
{\an8}Anyway, I've accepted
I'm gonna be alone
92
00:03:07,959 --> 00:03:09,500
{\an8}I'm not lucky like you guys.
93
00:03:09,583 --> 00:03:11,250
{\an8}You all found the person
you're gonna be with forever.
94
00:03:13,792 --> 00:03:15,250
{\an8}- Eh, we'll see.
- Mm...
95
00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:18,125
{\an8}Oh, Tom, you deserve
someone special to be with,
96
00:03:18,208 --> 00:03:19,333
{\an8}to laugh with.
97
00:03:19,417 --> 00:03:21,208
{\an8}Someone who tucks
their junk back and says,
98
00:03:21,291 --> 00:03:22,333
{\an8}"Hey, we're both girls."
99
00:03:22,417 --> 00:03:24,458
{\an8}What?
100
00:03:24,542 --> 00:03:27,125
{\an8}That is bizarrely specific.
101
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:29,000
{\an8}That's weird.
102
00:03:33,041 --> 00:03:34,792
{\an8}Tom, where'd you go?
103
00:03:34,959 --> 00:03:36,709
{\an8}Or are you down there
in a sad ball?
104
00:03:36,792 --> 00:03:38,834
{\an8}- Sad ball.
- OK, Tom. Phone.
105
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,000
{\an8}We're gonna ask
Mary out.
106
00:03:42,083 --> 00:03:43,792
{\an8}All right, Laurie,
you're a textspert.
107
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:46,333
{\an8}Whoo! On it.
And great word, Jules.
108
00:03:46,417 --> 00:03:48,417
{\an8}Tom, if you're such a mess
around women,
109
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:49,792
{\an8}how'd you ever get married?
110
00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:52,125
{\an8}My late wife and I met
at a New Year's Eve party.
111
00:03:52,208 --> 00:03:53,834
{\an8}There was, uh,
music and dancing,
112
00:03:53,917 --> 00:03:55,417
{\an8}and somehow we got paired up.
113
00:03:55,625 --> 00:03:58,166
{\an8}We were dancing,
and then at midnight, we kissed.
114
00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:00,709
{\an8}After that, I felt
completely at ease with her.
115
00:04:00,792 --> 00:04:02,625
{\an8}It was the best moment
of my life.
116
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:05,625
{\an8}Aw. I remember
my first kiss with Jules.
117
00:04:05,709 --> 00:04:06,959
{\an8}Best kiss I ever had.
118
00:04:07,041 --> 00:04:08,458
Yeah, that was a great kiss.
119
00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:09,542
- Definitely
- My--
120
00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:10,875
eighth best.
121
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,959
You said I was seventh,
which sucked, but I got over it.
122
00:04:13,041 --> 00:04:14,250
How could I have dropped?
123
00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:15,834
Laurie and Ellie
were having a contest
124
00:04:15,917 --> 00:04:17,250
to see who had the softest lips,
125
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:20,041
and they needed a judge,
so about an hour later,
126
00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:22,208
Laurie joined Ellie
for number-one spot,
127
00:04:22,291 --> 00:04:23,417
and you dropped down to eighth.
128
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,208
It's because I spend
every morning
129
00:04:25,291 --> 00:04:27,083
doing an hour of beatbox.
130
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,959
Lip cardio is very important.
131
00:04:32,083 --> 00:04:33,959
Whatever you're doing
is working.
132
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,125
Mwah!
133
00:04:37,792 --> 00:04:39,750
OK, OK. How about this?
134
00:04:40,542 --> 00:04:45,083
"Hey, girl. It's Doc T,
the physician of your wishin'.
135
00:04:45,166 --> 00:04:47,041
How about a house call?"
136
00:04:47,125 --> 00:04:48,667
Definitely do not send that.
137
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:50,542
In hindsight,
138
00:04:50,625 --> 00:04:52,208
maybe I should have asked
for feedback
139
00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:54,250
before I pressed send.
140
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,709
Eighth! I can't be eighth!
141
00:04:56,792 --> 00:04:59,291
Relax. It's just kissing.
142
00:04:59,417 --> 00:05:01,917
You're still number one
in the most important category.
143
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,750
Oh.
144
00:05:03,834 --> 00:05:07,041
And, uh, what category is that?
145
00:05:07,792 --> 00:05:09,125
Shoot!
I should've something ready.
146
00:05:10,917 --> 00:05:12,000
Mary thought
the text was funny.
147
00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:13,375
She said we should
go out tomorrow.
148
00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:14,709
Tom, that's amazing.
149
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:17,417
It's incredible.
It's all downhill from here.
150
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,458
I am gonna be nervous and weird.
151
00:05:19,542 --> 00:05:21,417
She's gonna think I'm creepy,
walk out on the date,
152
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,208
and then I'm gonna
have to kill myself.
153
00:05:23,625 --> 00:05:25,750
Probably easier to just cancel.
154
00:05:25,834 --> 00:05:26,917
Tom, take it easy.
155
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,542
You are built like a stepladder.
Wow!
156
00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:30,917
This date is gonna be fine.
157
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,542
We just got to get you
to that first kiss
158
00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:34,291
so you can relax
and be yourself.
159
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,000
How do I get to the kiss?
I'm a mess.
160
00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:38,250
Do you have any romantic skills
you can bring to the table?
161
00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,000
Let's see.
I'm pretty good with turtles.
162
00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:41,125
All right.
163
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,458
Um, one of my knees
bends both ways.
164
00:05:44,291 --> 00:05:45,917
Uh, I'm fluent in Gutnish,
165
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,166
which is
a long-dead nordic dialect.
166
00:05:49,125 --> 00:05:51,083
- I'm a terrific dancer.
- That's it.
167
00:05:51,166 --> 00:05:53,959
Great! wait.
Uh, the Gutnish or the dancing?
168
00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:56,709
OK. this is how
the date's gonna go.
169
00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,250
You'll pick Mary up,
170
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:01,500
being very charming
because I coached you
171
00:06:01,583 --> 00:06:02,667
on what to say.
172
00:06:02,875 --> 00:06:06,083
Grayson will be close by
in case you start to get weird.
173
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,625
You'll take a romantic bike ride
into town,
174
00:06:08,709 --> 00:06:10,625
and if you start to say
something creepy,
175
00:06:10,709 --> 00:06:13,750
just pedal faster or slower
to get away from her.
176
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:17,834
You'll go to a romantic movie,
where there's no talking at all.
177
00:06:19,417 --> 00:06:21,375
You'll pass a man who needs help
178
00:06:21,917 --> 00:06:24,667
and blow Mary's mind
with your doctor skills.
179
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:30,834
Then off to drinks at the pub
with friends.
180
00:06:31,083 --> 00:06:34,333
I'll tell a funny story
that makes everyone laugh.
181
00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:37,750
When a romantic song
comes on the jukebox,
182
00:06:37,834 --> 00:06:39,875
you and Mary will dance.
183
00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:44,041
and then you'll kiss her
and say...
184
00:06:44,625 --> 00:06:46,875
I've been waiting for you
my whole life.
185
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,291
I told you it would work.
186
00:06:52,375 --> 00:06:54,166
Wait, so part of your fantasy
187
00:06:54,250 --> 00:06:55,834
is bragging to me
that it worked.
188
00:06:55,917 --> 00:06:57,000
Yep.
189
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,250
But I never said
that it wouldn't.
190
00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:01,250
Dude, this Tom's thing.
Don't make it about you.
191
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:03,959
Yeah, pipe down, ace.
For once, this is about me.
192
00:07:05,875 --> 00:07:08,041
Actually, I've been doing
so much planning about this,
193
00:07:08,125 --> 00:07:09,291
I kind of think it's about me.
194
00:07:09,375 --> 00:07:10,875
Oh, I know, sweetie.
195
00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:13,417
Okay, Tom, how are you feeling?
196
00:07:13,625 --> 00:07:16,083
Great.
I'm gonna crush my date.
197
00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:17,291
I mean, crush the date.
198
00:07:17,375 --> 00:07:18,625
Less talking.
199
00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:20,125
Are you wearing the shirt
I got you?
200
00:07:20,208 --> 00:07:22,458
- O-- of course. I'm on it.
- And the pants?
201
00:07:23,166 --> 00:07:24,500
Turning around.
202
00:07:26,417 --> 00:07:27,417
Don't worry.
203
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,458
We'll have those knees
covered up in no time.
204
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,041
I really think
this is gonna work.
205
00:07:31,125 --> 00:07:32,667
Jules, this is really sweet,
206
00:07:32,750 --> 00:07:35,250
but Tom is less
of a "nice date" guy
207
00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:37,291
than a "damp rag
and duct tape" guy.
208
00:07:37,375 --> 00:07:39,834
His cologne is chloroform.
209
00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,083
Are you two gonna sit there
like asses,
210
00:07:41,166 --> 00:07:42,250
or are you gonna help?
211
00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:44,000
- Sit like asses.
- The ass one.
212
00:07:44,458 --> 00:07:45,875
All right,
you're on creepy patrol.
213
00:07:45,959 --> 00:07:46,959
Get to Mary's house,
214
00:07:47,041 --> 00:07:48,959
and as soon as you do,
I want you to--
215
00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:50,917
Uh, you may be ninth now.
216
00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:53,083
Damn it!
217
00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,000
Oh, you know,
I'm not worried about Tom.
218
00:07:56,083 --> 00:07:58,041
I've coached him on what to say
in everything.
219
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:03,625
Hello, Mary.
How about a bike ride?
220
00:08:03,709 --> 00:08:05,291
Sounds perfect.
221
00:08:08,625 --> 00:08:10,542
And what a beautiful home.
222
00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:13,333
Except the windows are a little
low to the ground.
223
00:08:13,417 --> 00:08:15,458
It'd be real easy for someone
to climb in late at night
224
00:08:15,542 --> 00:08:17,083
and sniff your hair
while you're asleep.
225
00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:20,208
Ow! Sweet biscuits!
226
00:08:21,458 --> 00:08:22,875
I mean, you want to get going?
227
00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:27,834
Grayson, how's Operation Keep
Tom from Talking Creepy going?
228
00:08:27,917 --> 00:08:29,959
Well, it still has
a sucky title,
229
00:08:30,041 --> 00:08:31,458
and Tom's having trouble
creating separation
230
00:08:31,542 --> 00:08:32,542
on the bikes.
231
00:08:33,417 --> 00:08:35,250
Do you have any hobbies?
232
00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:37,542
I like playing with dolls.
233
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:39,375
Did you say
"playing with dolls"?
234
00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:47,709
What?
Are you smiling at my headset?
235
00:08:48,166 --> 00:08:49,959
I probably look like
Sigourney Weaver
236
00:08:50,041 --> 00:08:52,458
- in that movie with the alien.
- Do you mean Alien?
237
00:08:52,542 --> 00:08:54,625
- I don't think it's called that.
- Well, you're wrong.
238
00:08:54,709 --> 00:08:56,542
Guys, I really think
Tom's gonna win Mary over.
239
00:08:56,625 --> 00:08:59,333
Wrong again, 'cause no matter
how good this date goes
240
00:08:59,417 --> 00:09:00,417
or any future dates,
241
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:01,792
eventually, she's gonna
have to see him naked.
242
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:05,125
That would be a game-over moment
if there ever was one.
243
00:09:05,208 --> 00:09:06,208
Mm-hmm.
244
00:09:06,291 --> 00:09:07,834
Well, if you two
are just gonna be negative,
245
00:09:07,917 --> 00:09:09,417
why don't you just leave?
246
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:11,917
Do you know what? She's right.
247
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,458
We could just go to the plaza
248
00:09:13,542 --> 00:09:15,500
and watch this date blow up
in person.
249
00:09:15,583 --> 00:09:17,542
That's a great idea.
250
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,250
I'm in the plaza, Jules,
just like we planned.
251
00:09:21,333 --> 00:09:24,208
Tom's gonna be there soon.
Do you have the movie tickets?
252
00:09:24,291 --> 00:09:27,542
Tickets in hand, Tom in sight,
just like we planned.
253
00:09:27,625 --> 00:09:28,709
Why do you keep saying
"just like we planned it"
254
00:09:28,792 --> 00:09:29,792
after everything?
255
00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:31,083
I'm not doing that.
256
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:35,959
Just like we planned. Ha!
257
00:09:36,083 --> 00:09:37,709
OK, I am doing that. Sorry.
258
00:09:37,792 --> 00:09:39,875
Oh, weird here today.
259
00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:43,208
Very, uh... leathery.
260
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,875
Leathery like old?
261
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:47,792
No. Leathery like, uh...
262
00:09:47,875 --> 00:09:49,458
Oh, my!
263
00:09:49,542 --> 00:09:51,041
What? What's wrong?
264
00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:52,125
Oh, nothing.
265
00:09:52,208 --> 00:09:53,792
Uh, everything's fine,
just like we planned,
266
00:09:53,875 --> 00:09:56,333
except the romantic comedy
that I chose,
267
00:09:56,417 --> 00:09:59,542
Straps and Clamps,
might be a porno.
268
00:09:59,625 --> 00:10:01,125
Not like we planned.
269
00:10:01,208 --> 00:10:03,583
Damn it, Andy! I'm calling Tom.
270
00:10:04,709 --> 00:10:06,291
Please tell me
I heard that right
271
00:10:06,375 --> 00:10:08,542
and you sent Gumby to a porno.
272
00:10:08,625 --> 00:10:11,583
Trying to score Gumby
some pokey, are you?
273
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,542
You know, you two are just like
Statler and Waldorf,
274
00:10:13,625 --> 00:10:16,375
those Muppet jerks who heckled
everyone from the balcony.
275
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:19,125
He's right.
We can go to the balcony.
276
00:10:19,208 --> 00:10:21,417
We can see more.
We can heckle more.
277
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,500
Yeah!
278
00:10:22,583 --> 00:10:25,250
Thanks for the tip, dipwad.
279
00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,667
Tom! Out of the theater.
It's a porno.
280
00:10:29,792 --> 00:10:31,166
It's a porno!
281
00:10:32,333 --> 00:10:34,458
Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong number.
282
00:10:36,250 --> 00:10:38,792
Tom, out of the theater!
It's a porno!
283
00:10:38,875 --> 00:10:40,291
It's a porno!
284
00:10:41,458 --> 00:10:42,709
Let's get out of here.
I-- I think I've seen this.
285
00:10:42,792 --> 00:10:43,625
Yeah.
286
00:10:47,542 --> 00:10:48,959
Come on, we got to get ready!
287
00:10:49,041 --> 00:10:51,125
I am. I got the squibs.
288
00:10:51,208 --> 00:10:52,875
Well, honey,
you did not get them from me!
289
00:10:52,959 --> 00:10:54,291
I have been supes faithful.
290
00:10:54,375 --> 00:10:55,792
I actually meant
special-effects squibs,
291
00:10:55,875 --> 00:10:56,875
but great to hear.
292
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,333
They're rigged to explode
293
00:10:58,417 --> 00:11:00,458
to make me look like
I got shredded with an Uzi.
294
00:11:00,542 --> 00:11:02,291
You traded in the choking plan
295
00:11:02,375 --> 00:11:05,125
to have Tom patch you up
from an attack from an Uzi?
296
00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:06,709
So, what do we do now?
297
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:07,959
I know how to dislocate
someone's finger.
298
00:11:08,041 --> 00:11:09,959
I learned it in juvie.
It's really easy.
299
00:11:10,041 --> 00:11:11,375
You just pop it out,
and then afterwards,
300
00:11:11,458 --> 00:11:12,709
we'll pop it back in.
301
00:11:12,792 --> 00:11:14,917
If you think you're actually
going to hurt one of us--
302
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,333
It's not a question of "if,"
buddy.
303
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:17,750
It is a question of "who."
304
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:19,208
Aah! Here they come.
305
00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:21,542
Someone's getting hurt
in three... two...
306
00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:22,625
Andy! Do Andy!
307
00:11:22,709 --> 00:11:24,917
Hey! You should be
really ashamed of yourself.
308
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,750
Bad move.
309
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:28,875
- Come on!
- Aah!
310
00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:30,458
Help! we need a doctor!
311
00:11:30,542 --> 00:11:31,917
Uh, excuse me.
312
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,583
What's the status
of Operation Hero?
313
00:11:36,041 --> 00:11:38,542
Turns out Tom's not great
with bent extremities.
314
00:11:38,625 --> 00:11:39,709
Brain tissue isn't gross
315
00:11:39,792 --> 00:11:41,166
because there's
no visible sign of damage,
316
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:42,959
but a-- a finger
that's bent like--
317
00:11:44,375 --> 00:11:46,125
It's not supposed to look
like that!
318
00:11:46,208 --> 00:11:48,792
Hey! I agree with the crier!
319
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,750
It is not supposed to look
like that.
320
00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:52,625
Paging a doctor
who doesn't suck.
321
00:11:52,709 --> 00:11:54,792
Paging a doctor
who doesn't suck.
322
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,500
Hey, I've got an idea.
323
00:11:58,583 --> 00:12:00,375
Why don't I put it back
324
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:03,291
in the way that you showed me
last week, Tom?
325
00:12:03,375 --> 00:12:05,125
Right. uh, great idea.
Great idea.
326
00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:07,041
- OK.
- Ohh. Ow.
327
00:12:07,417 --> 00:12:08,291
Oh...
328
00:12:09,291 --> 00:12:10,583
Oh, the back-in part hurts more.
329
00:12:10,667 --> 00:12:13,083
Well, at least he--
330
00:12:18,542 --> 00:12:19,834
I think your friend's been shot!
331
00:12:19,917 --> 00:12:22,333
H-- he'll be fine.
You ever been to Gray's Pub?
332
00:12:24,792 --> 00:12:26,041
Here they come.
333
00:12:26,375 --> 00:12:27,500
OK, now remember,
334
00:12:27,583 --> 00:12:29,458
we have to keep Tom
from freaking Mary out
335
00:12:29,542 --> 00:12:31,000
until he gets her to dance.
336
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,000
And after that, he can
freak her out all he wants.
337
00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:34,458
I mean, like dirty.
338
00:12:34,542 --> 00:12:37,291
Dirty dancing, sex dancing.
You know what I'm saying?
339
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,041
Hi, guys. How's it going?
340
00:12:40,125 --> 00:12:41,792
My name is Jules.
It's nice to meet you.
341
00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:43,250
This is my husband, Grayson.
342
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:47,750
What do you
look for in a kisser?
343
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:50,583
Is it pressure or moisture
or tongue dexterity?
344
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:53,208
Oh, we're just diving right in,
Huh?
345
00:12:53,291 --> 00:12:56,500
You know, kissing is done
with more than the mouth.
346
00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:58,792
No, yeah,
it's done with the hands,
347
00:12:58,875 --> 00:13:00,709
the hips, and most of all...
348
00:13:01,625 --> 00:13:02,625
the heart.
349
00:13:02,709 --> 00:13:05,500
Babe, why don't you put
some music on?
350
00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:06,750
Mm, I'd love to,
351
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:11,083
just as soon as I finish tying
this triple knot
352
00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:12,500
into this cherry stem.
353
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,125
Boom!
354
00:13:17,208 --> 00:13:19,917
This is fun.
355
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,709
Oh, uh, excuse me.
356
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,375
Dude, you were supposed to play
something romantic.
357
00:13:25,458 --> 00:13:28,333
I tried, but then I remembered
that Bobby rigged my jukebox
358
00:13:28,417 --> 00:13:30,333
to only play
hard-metal power ballads
359
00:13:30,417 --> 00:13:31,750
as his going-away present to me.
360
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:33,250
Damn it, Bobby!
361
00:13:33,333 --> 00:13:36,500
This is not the right time
for such an awesome gift.
362
00:13:37,291 --> 00:13:41,083
Hey, Jules, if we're both here,
who's keeping an eye on Tom?
363
00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:46,083
Oh, Shawshank!
364
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:50,542
Tom... what happened?
365
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:52,625
It-- it might have
something to do with me
366
00:13:52,709 --> 00:13:54,083
listing important facts
367
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,083
about the silicon
breast implants.
368
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:57,917
But that's not important.
369
00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,792
What's important is remembering
370
00:13:59,875 --> 00:14:01,750
that some people
are meant to be alone.
371
00:14:08,542 --> 00:14:10,291
Dude, seriously?
372
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,458
This did not go great,
but I think we can get it
373
00:14:13,542 --> 00:14:15,625
back on track
if we work together.
374
00:14:15,709 --> 00:14:18,625
In high school, they called me
Kiss Kristofferson.
375
00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:22,041
OK, if I let you kiss me
right now and I tell you
376
00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:24,125
It was the greatest kiss
I've ever had in my whole life,
377
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,709
even if I don't mean it,
will you shut up and help Tom?
378
00:14:26,792 --> 00:14:31,417
Well, let's... just...
find... out.
379
00:14:41,125 --> 00:14:42,166
Ugh.
380
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:45,375
World's best kiss.
381
00:14:47,583 --> 00:14:50,000
Yes! you heard it!
382
00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:51,875
- What a dipwad.
- You can't get enough!
383
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,917
Grayson, you and I have
to find a band.
384
00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:56,000
- You three...
- Finger!
385
00:14:56,083 --> 00:14:57,208
get Mary to the plaza.
386
00:14:57,291 --> 00:14:59,166
I don't care how.
You can lie your asses off.
387
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:00,667
Tell her you have a gun.
388
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:01,959
Just get her there
with the speed
389
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:03,083
of the world's tiniest hero.
390
00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:04,792
Stuart Little!
391
00:15:04,875 --> 00:15:08,166
No! The hero that knows
that the fastest way someplace
392
00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:10,208
is to use your hands
to karate chop the hair.
393
00:15:11,375 --> 00:15:12,375
Tom Cruise run!
394
00:15:12,458 --> 00:15:15,166
Tom Cruise--
Oh, this hurts my finger so bad!
395
00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:17,875
Jelly Bean must be rushing
396
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:20,208
to get the results
of her latest STD test.
397
00:15:20,291 --> 00:15:23,125
Can Trav do anything like a man?
398
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:26,000
Hey, guys,
I need your help with Tom!
399
00:15:26,083 --> 00:15:28,792
Jules said
I'm the number-one kisser!
400
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:30,417
Which isn't important right now.
401
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:31,792
What do you need, Junebug?
402
00:15:31,875 --> 00:15:33,959
I need you and Grayson
to get a band.
403
00:15:34,583 --> 00:15:36,333
And, Ellie,
I'm gonna fix up the plaza.
404
00:15:36,417 --> 00:15:38,083
you go get Tom
and bring him back here.
405
00:15:38,166 --> 00:15:40,208
Oh, are we playing a game called
406
00:15:40,291 --> 00:15:41,709
"things that are never
gonna happen"?
407
00:15:41,792 --> 00:15:43,500
Ellie, I can't make you
do anything
408
00:15:43,583 --> 00:15:44,709
that you don't want to do.
409
00:15:45,125 --> 00:15:47,625
But deep down,
I know you want to help
410
00:15:47,709 --> 00:15:50,834
because you care about your
friends and you care about Tom.
411
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,000
Damn it!
412
00:15:53,375 --> 00:15:55,583
Hey, uh, hi. We've never met.
413
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:58,667
Uh, my name is Grayson.
I am a big fan of The Jugs.
414
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:01,083
The band,
the band The Big Ol' Jugs.
415
00:16:01,166 --> 00:16:02,166
Not yours.
416
00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:04,041
I mean, not that yours
aren't big. They're--
417
00:16:04,125 --> 00:16:07,083
They're... fantastic, actually.
418
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:10,834
Uh, Waz, Chick has something
he'd like to say to you.
419
00:16:12,875 --> 00:16:14,208
Chick.
420
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:20,250
I would just like to say that...
421
00:16:21,542 --> 00:16:23,917
women kill bands.
422
00:16:24,041 --> 00:16:25,792
Down with Yoko!
423
00:16:29,291 --> 00:16:31,750
What I meant is...
424
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:36,291
I need to get the band back,
425
00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:39,500
and I can't do it without you.
426
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:44,667
So... if she's as good
as you say she is,
427
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:49,625
then I would be honored...
to have her join us.
428
00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:52,000
You have beautiful breasts,
by the way.
429
00:16:52,083 --> 00:16:53,917
Thank you. You're so sweet.
430
00:16:55,208 --> 00:16:56,583
What do you say?
431
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:57,834
Let's do it.
432
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,375
Mm-hmm.
433
00:16:59,792 --> 00:17:02,834
Tom, are you rolled up
in a sad, little ball?
434
00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:04,083
Maybe.
435
00:17:06,041 --> 00:17:07,250
Good to see you.
436
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:09,291
I have a shoe bag
just like that.
437
00:17:09,375 --> 00:17:11,583
I know. I broke into your house
to get these.
438
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:12,709
I do want to talk to you
439
00:17:12,792 --> 00:17:15,417
about the empty lipstick tubes
in your freezer
440
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:17,500
and why you have blueprints
of all our houses
441
00:17:17,583 --> 00:17:19,709
and framed pictures
of our bathrooms.
442
00:17:20,208 --> 00:17:23,625
But for now, I'm gonna take you
and we're gonna win Mary.
443
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,667
Mary thinks
I'm weird and creepy.
444
00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:27,125
Right, 'cause you are.
445
00:17:27,458 --> 00:17:30,208
But you're also sweet,
and I want you to be happy.
446
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:31,542
Wow, Ellie.
447
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:33,625
Does this mean
that you care about me?
448
00:17:35,709 --> 00:17:36,750
Can you say it out loud?
449
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:39,125
But you do care?
450
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,917
Would you say that you love--
451
00:17:43,041 --> 00:17:45,250
Too far. Withdraw the question.
452
00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:47,667
We've got to get to the plaza,
and we have to hurry.
453
00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:49,959
Let's do it. Oh, but I can't run
in my dancing shoes.
454
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:51,208
They'll stretch and be ruined.
455
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,000
OK.
456
00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:57,250
They always say the mean ones
are the strongest.
457
00:17:57,333 --> 00:17:58,333
Come here!
458
00:17:58,417 --> 00:18:00,083
Jules, what's going on?
459
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:04,542
Well, we all got together
to help you get the girl.
460
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,166
You said
Tom was holding people hostage
461
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:14,583
and I had to talk him down.
462
00:18:14,667 --> 00:18:16,583
You also said...
463
00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:18,375
karate chopping the air
makes you run faster,
464
00:18:18,458 --> 00:18:20,000
and I'm pretty sure
that's not the case.
465
00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:21,667
I think you just weren't
doing it right.
466
00:18:22,542 --> 00:18:25,166
Oh, look! Tom is here!
467
00:18:25,291 --> 00:18:26,917
What a coincidence.
468
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,792
And he's great.
469
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,667
Hey, Jugs, hit it.
470
00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:39,709
♪ She's a good girl ♪
471
00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:42,417
♪ Loves her mama ♪
472
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:44,333
Oh, Jules, I don't think I can
go out there and dance alone.
473
00:18:44,417 --> 00:18:45,417
♪ Loves Jesus ♪
474
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:46,667
Well, you don't have to.
475
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:48,625
♪ And America, too ♪
476
00:18:48,709 --> 00:18:51,750
♪ She's a good girl ♪
477
00:18:52,041 --> 00:18:54,834
♪ She's crazy about Elvis ♪
478
00:18:54,917 --> 00:18:56,166
♪ Loves horses ♪
479
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:58,291
- Hey, Mary.
- Hi, Tom.
480
00:18:58,375 --> 00:18:59,625
♪ And her boyfriend, too ♪
481
00:18:59,709 --> 00:19:01,709
Sorry if my friends were
a little pushy.
482
00:19:02,333 --> 00:19:04,500
They're very strange.
483
00:19:05,375 --> 00:19:07,709
But judging by what they did
for you,
484
00:19:07,792 --> 00:19:09,583
they must really think
you're great.
485
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:12,166
I don't know
what I'd do without them.
486
00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:15,542
The Argentina lake duck
has a corkscrew-shaped penis.
487
00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:18,458
I'm sorry.
I'm not usually this weird.
488
00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:20,667
I... I'm nervous around you
489
00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:22,417
because I think
you're so amazing
490
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,917
and sweet and so beautiful.
491
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,750
Mary, I-- I never believed
that I had a chance with you.
492
00:19:29,291 --> 00:19:30,917
Until they believed in me.
493
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,375
♪ Yeah, I'm a bad boy ♪
494
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:34,500
Shall we?
495
00:19:34,583 --> 00:19:35,583
♪ For breakin' her heart ♪
496
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:36,709
Yeah.
497
00:19:36,792 --> 00:19:41,750
♪ And I'm free ♪
498
00:19:41,834 --> 00:19:45,375
♪ I'm free falling ♪
499
00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:53,625
♪ And I'm free ♪
500
00:19:53,917 --> 00:19:58,083
♪ I'm free falling ♪
501
00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:03,625
♪ Free falling ♪
502
00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:07,000
I've been waiting for you
my whole life.
503
00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:09,417
♪ Now I'm free falling ♪
504
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:12,667
♪ And I'm free falling ♪
505
00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:16,625
♪ Now I'm free falling ♪
506
00:20:16,709 --> 00:20:18,000
I told you it would work.
507
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,166
♪ Free falling ♪
508
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:20,500
I never said it wouldn't.
509
00:20:20,959 --> 00:20:22,333
Yes, you did.
510
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:23,834
No, I didn't.
511
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:27,000
♪ And I'm free ♪
512
00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:31,333
{\an8}Well, there's only one way
for you to climb the charts.
513
00:20:31,417 --> 00:20:34,166
{\an8}You have to kiss all three of us
so we can compare.
514
00:20:34,250 --> 00:20:36,291
{\an8}Well, I've had sex with her,
515
00:20:36,375 --> 00:20:40,000
{\an8}and by kissing her,
I will have closed a loop
516
00:20:40,083 --> 00:20:42,458
{\an8}so that we basically
all just kissed each other.
517
00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:43,625
{\an8}Well, now you have to.
518
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,750
{\an8}But beware. I'm really handsy.
519
00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:47,166
{\an8}- Oh, she is.
- Mm-hmm.
520
00:20:47,250 --> 00:20:50,333
{\an8}And I'm super into
tongue-provisation.
521
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,750
{\an8}Yeah, she is.
522
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:53,834
{\an8}What the hell do you guys do
when I'm not around?
523
00:20:53,917 --> 00:20:56,417
{\an8}Nothing.
38372
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