Original subtitles

If it helped him rest, would it be OK if I put Baby Bobby's pacifier in wine?

- No. - Probably not.

Oh, good, 'cause I would never do that.

Oh, I've got a great movie mash-up.

A crusty old cop tells a young wizard...

...to make my day.

- Quincy Houdini! - Dirty Harry Potter.

I didn't love the first Harry Potter movie.

The book was so much better.

Nerd alert! A book could never be better than a movie.

If you wanna tell me a story,

act it out with beautiful people while I'm eating popcorn.

Do not make me work for it.

You should remember that speech for when Baby Bobby is older.

That way, if he likes reading, we can nip it in the bud.

I never understood what "nip it in the bud" meant.

- It should be "nip it in the butt." - Ooh!

"Nip it in the butt" makes so much more sense,

because if you bite someone in the ass,

they'll definitely never do what they were doing ever again.

I hate it when you change phrases that already exist.

I'm just glad that Ellie's not here to say her annoying--

Change approved!

Ugh! It's been six years.

How come you can't remember I like sugar in my coffee?

Two-part answer. A, I'm not your bitch.

And B, there's, like, a hundred

people in here every morning. It's impossible to keep track.

- OK, I'm just gonna nip this in the butt. - Oh!

I remember everyone. Andy, you like one sugar. You like two.

You like your coffee black, Just like your heart.

And Tom likes... well, I don't want to say it

- 'cause it kinda creeps me out. - A wad of cream.

It's not that Dime Eyes doesn't remember.

He doesn't listen to any of us in the first place.

He doesn't know anything about us.

- That's not true. I'm a great listener. - You're not.

When someone's talking, your eyes glaze over like this...

- That's my listening face. - Yeah, it's also his sexy time face.

- So true. - What?

OK, if you're such a good listener,

you won't mind answering a few simple questions, yeah?

Fire away.

- What's my son's name? - Damien.

- What was my last job? - Pass.

- What's my last name? - You don't have one. You're like Prince.

- When's my birthday? - A few thousand years ago.

- Where was I born? - Give me a second.

Great job, champ.

OK, guys. Stop picking on him.

Jules, he doesn't know anything about you, either.

Yes, he does. We're married. We have a deeper connection.

- Hell, yeah. - Really?

Then I have a question.

Please don't.

What is Jules' mom's name?

Duh. Uh, Mom. M... She just calls her "Mom." Duh!

I'll give you a hint.

It rhymes with Jules' middle name.

Oh. Jules' middle name is...

- Kiki. - Kiki.

And so Jules Kiki and her mom...

Freaky.

You think my mom's name is "Freaky"?

- Wow. - No. No, no, no, no. No, no. Tiki!

Sneaky! Beaky. L--

That was fun.

Oh, look. Yet another e-mail from Stan's teacher.

- Is anything dead? - No.

This isn't like the class hamster hostage standoff.

This is worse.

Hit me with it.

It seems as if our son spends every second with his hand down his pants.

Where do you think he could've learned that?

Got me. Uh... video games?

That's probably it.

You're exaggerating! I don't have it there all the time.

Oh! Are you talking about your hand down your pants?

Because, yeah, you do. You totally do.

- Told you! - I don't have it there now!

Where's your other hand?

I don't wanna say.

All right, fine. I do it a lot.

But I-I'm discrete. Nobody notices.

Everybody notices! That's why Grayson sprays cleanser

on everything you touch.

She's right. We notice.

Mostly because it's gross, but also because some of us

want to learn and remember things about the people we love.

I've always been like this, OK?

Just a nice, normal guy who might be the best listener,

but makes up for it with a body that just... won't... quit.

You guys both have spouses

who wanna change everything about who you are as people.

And I think that's super healthy in a marriage.

Not gonna happen. I mean, once you hit 40...

- There's no changing. - That's not true.

All right, what's that girl that's on TV that wants to be Oprah? She cooks a lot.

- Rachael Ray! - Right.

OK, well, she says that people our age need new challenges.

We need to climb new mountains.

Grayson, your new mountain is to learn about the people in your life.

- I know things. - When's my birthday?

- I'll try harder. - Andy, your new mountain is

to get your dirty paw out of your hairy cookie jar.

Well, if we have to change, what about you? What's your mountain?

I've been climbing mountains my entire life! I got knocked up young,

dropped out of college, started a business, got divorced, remarried...

I lost some really beautiful wine glasses.

There are no new mountains for me to climb.

Let's huddle up. What's Jules' new mountain?

OK. Uh, shave... shave her head.

- No. Nobody wins. - OK.

- Oh! Get a baby chimp. - No. Rip her face off.

- Uh, tongue piercing. - Oh. I wouldn't mind that.

- No. She'd have a lisp. - Oh, I got it! I got it!

What? What? What? What?

I can climb anything you got.

You have to read a book.

Son of a bitch.

All right, guys. I would love to climb this mountain,

but it's impossible. I can't read a book.

- Why? - I don't have any.

That's why we brought you some.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me,

and I once had dinner with Guy Fieri.

- Ugh. - Ew.

Look, I've tried. I just can't focus enough to read a book.

They're so boring.

I mean, 30 seconds after I crack it open, I'm sound asleep.

You know exactly what I mean, right, Laurie?

I don't. I'm a voracious reader.

How do you even know what "voracious" means?

From reading. I love reading. I go through... what?

- Five, six books a month? - Mm-hmm.

Mostly historical stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'm not one of those anti-fiction snobs.

I just find that the factual power struggles

and political infighting of something like the French Revolution is just

a little bit more riveting than anything in a Jonathan Franzen novel.

I wanna slap you so hard right now.

OK.

Mom, have you ever read a novel cover to cover?

No, but I did read the Christmas issue of InStyle.

It was like 12 pounds. I weighed it.

Oh, you guys probably think I'm a voracious idiot.

Eh... that's not really how... Let's just let her have it.

Hey, Jules, you made it through high school, some college,

you got your real estate license, you raised a super smart kid,

and you never read a book? I think that's kinda genius.

Right?

Out of all the people who have not read a book,

I'm probably the smartest.

- You are. - Yeah.

I can do this.

I've got the book for you... To Kill A Mockingbird.

It's a classic. It's a story about family, which you love,

and it takes place in your home state of Alabama.

Sounds perfect.

Mark my words, Travis. She's gonna do this.

- Jules! - I loved it.

Jules is so pissed, but I can't help it.

The second people start talking about the minutiae of their lives,

where they were born, what their middle name is...

I'm... so bored, I black out.

- Where am I? - Exactly.

See? You find people as annoying as I do.

- More so. - And yet,

you're able to listen to them. How do you do it?

It's not easy. I have a few tricks up my sleeve.

Like if someone's droning on about their stupid life,

I just pretend something really horrible

will happen to my child if I don't listen.

That's not gonna work for you 'cause you don't have a child.

- Yes, I do. - OK, great.

So there's one trick.

And then otherwise, it depends on who's talking.

Like Laurie, for instance.

If she goes off on one of her ridiculous stories,

I just pretend that she's helping me compile a list

of reasons why she's the world's biggest skank.

- How do you handle Tom? - I think

of Tom as someone who will one day murder us all.

- Wouldn't surprise me. - Right.

So you have to listen to him in case there might be a clue

as to what he's planning. It's about survival.

Please help me listen. Let me be your student.

OK, I will teach you, but I expect full obedience.

- Understood. - Turn around.

Walk ten paces, then stop.

OK.

Now what?

Nothing. That's good.

I still say I don't do it that often.

It's in there right now.

OK, that one wasn't me! I think it snuck in there on its own.

How am I gonna stop this?

We could use negative reinforcement.

They give animals electric shock to discourage certain behaviors.

Or I could follow you around all day, and every time

you reach in your picnic basket, I could stab you with a fork.

What else you got?

Uh, they put giant cones on dogs' heads to stop 'em from biting their stitches.

Again, I am not an animal!

Ow! Why?

Oh.

Maybe a doggie cone isn't a bad idea.

This is humiliating.

Now you can't get it down there. Do you need one for the other hand, too?

No, when I do it with this hand, it feels like some strange,

burly guy is touching me.

- So, it's awesome? - No, it's terrifying.

That's what I meant.

- Jules! - Tomato cage.

W-why are you at your computer?

Oh, because the book kept putting me to sleep,

so then I went on Wikipedia to see what it was about,

and then that put me to sleep.

Why does the Internet have to look like a book?

This is too hard!

Why didn't you guys just challenge me to... fighting a bear or something?

You would rather fight a bear than read a book?

Yeah. With a bear fight, at least I'd have a chance.

This is ridiculous! Just read the book.

And then we can celebrate by watching the movie.

- There's a movie? - Yes. Travis has it on DVD.

It's amazing. It stars Gregory Peck.

Aw. My dad's chicken.

- No, the actor. - I know.

Good luck with the book, Jules.

So another great trick when I zone out is just to say,

"That was so fascinating. Can you say that again?"

Oh! Or you pretend boring words are food,

and you're starving. That's what I do when I listen to you.

Sometimes I feel so full after we talk, I can skip a meal or two.

Hey, why are you laying all these tricks on me right now?

I mean, it feels like you're sending me into battle.

I am. I think the, uh, best way to learn how to swim is to just get in the lake.

That's why I have some one-on-one time for you with a very special person.

His general dorkiness, his lilting tone,

and his tendency to wax poetic about everything makes him

the most boring man in the world.

Hey, guys.

- No. - Yes.

I've decided if you add almond milk to a double shot latte,

it becomes... almost beautiful.

That is so fascinating. Can you say that again?

My latte. When you add almond milk, the depth of the tones and the--

Never mind that for now. You know what I just realized?

Grayson has never heard the story of how you first knew

you were in love with Laurie.

Well, take a seat, my friend. You are in for a very long treat!

Uh...

You know, uh, don't feel like you have to just jump in all at once.

It was a summer day in June.

A little band called Snow Patrol was climbing the charts.

I feel like I'm on fire.

That's how I felt when I first saw her. She was backlit, radiant,

hair blowing in the breeze like Legolas from Lord Of The Rings.

Ah.

Dad, I need my Hulk hand.

But I need it.

Fine, take it.

Hey! Psst! There's no one here.

It's just you and me. Do it! Do it! No one will know.

I can't. I gotta stop.

But I'm so cold!

No, you're not. You're just trying to trick me.

I just wanna go home. Help me. Help me go home.

Please?

How long have you been standing there?

Does it really matter?

I'm gonna watch the hell out of this book.

Wow. I knew that'd be rough, but that was horrible.

I don't think I'll ever be the same.

What happened?

I had to talk to Travis.

- Seriously, how do you do it? - You just have to remember that

he is the most beautiful boy in the whole world,

and that you love everything about him. You love his square head

and even his little toes with the little red hairs on them.

Even his breath. No matter what, it's always sweet to me.

I have to go upstairs, and...

I need to borrow big chuck.

Quitter! You know, it takes work to climb a mountain, bro!

You don't see me quittin'!

Where are you? Come on out and face me!

Wow. They get right into it.

Jem, stop! It's too dangerous!

Can it, Scout! It's not about us right now. It's about our country.

We have to kill that mockingbird before he kills the President!

Holy crap. This is good.

Then let's get that son of a bitch!

There he is! Fire!

- Bang! Bang! - Boom! Boom!

What?

- Bang! - Bah!

If you like that movie...

- You're gonna love the book! - Hi, Jules.

Hey, did you buy my tortured assassin? I mean, I didn't wanna go too big,

but I thought it was pretty spot-on.

Yeah, no, it's great.

And, Jules, seriously, we're not moving until you start reading this book.

Fine.

Whoa. That's not gonna work.

She knows we can't see her.

Damn it.

Hey, Jules. Thanks for watching Baby Bobby for me tonight.

I saw the movie. It was funny.

- Mm-hmm. - You know, I don't know what

makes me madder... the fact that you did that to me,

or that I'll never find out if they killed that mockingbird

before he got into the White House.

I actually had a really great idea for the ending,

where the tortured spy kills the mockingbird...

just before finding out that... that very mockingbird...

...was his father.

- Whoa. - I know.

So, you gonna knock this thing out tonight or what?

I'm afraid this mountain is unclimbable.

And you know what I realized? I don't care.

Reading's not my thing. I'm... I'm a talker and a doer.

You could put me in front of a thousand young kids right now,

and I would say the same thing... Reading is for losers.

I can't believe that you're just gonna give up.

Where would I be if I had just given up when you were trying to convince me

I could be more than a dumb townie slut

who got in a fistfight with Richard Grieco?

- What? - He cut me off in line at a bar once,

so I called him Depp Lite. He freaked out, so I coldcocked him.

And then when he woke up, we made out in the bathroom.

He still calls me. You know, Travis thinks he's my uncle.

That's Uncle Richie? Travis loans him money all the time.

Look, my point is, you never gave up on me.

And look at who I am today. I believe in you, too, Jules.

"When he was nearly 13, my brother Jem got his arm

badly broken at the elbow."

That was the 1000th time I've read that sentence.

Bye, baby.

Bye.

I never stood a chance against Trav.

He started talking about how he first knew really liked Laurie,

but then his lameness was just too powerful.

Trav was tough for me, too. For a while,

I had to walk around with his name written on my hand.

Give me a trick to listen to him.

Dime Eyes, eventually you're gonna have to come up with your own tricks,

and they're not gonna work unless you understand why you're doing them.

Do you know?

So I don't get in trouble with Jules?

No, because you care about this group,

and they care that you know stuff about them.

That's why I know that you grew up in Kentucky, your middle name is Shannon,

and your childhood hero was Vanna White.

She's so gentle and patient.

Ding!

Hey.

You know all that stuff about me.

That means you care about me.

No, I care about Jules, and she would be mad

if I didn't know you.

Maybe I care about you a little.

- Anyone want a cookie? - Never.

I'm good.

Fine.

I'm a man who's happiest when he's got a hand stuck

into his waistband. So what?

I'm not hurting anybody. I can't change.

- I wanna tell you a story. - I don't wanna hear it.

- It's about my dad. - Whee!

When I was a kid, my dad taught me everything he knew.

How to catch fish with a belt,

the surefire way to impress any girl, you name it.

- You're so lucky. - I thought so, too,

until I showed up the first day of school with a belt that smelled like trout

and tried to impress a cute girl with a fart.

Things didn't go that well.

My dad was a cross-dresser. I didn't know about boxer shorts

until sixth grade sleepaway camp, when the other campers made

a bonfire out of my thong.

So what's the point of all this?

A kid who worships his dad will do anything to be like him.

I'm gonna change.

In a... second.

♪ Jules is mad and keeps insisting Doesn't know how hard it is ♪

♪ For me to listen ♪

♪ But when I pick up this here guitar It helps me remember just who you are ♪

♪ Ellie's son, his name is Stan And Andy used to be a money man ♪

♪ Laurie dated Charlie Sheen And my girl Jules was prom queen ♪

♪ Made up a word like "Brazelian" To remember Tom's last name's Gazelian ♪

♪ Andy loves his oatmeal pies And Travis saw Avatar 19 times ♪

♪ Nineteen times, really, 19 times, Ellie's birthday is May 28th ♪

♪ And Laurie's first word Was "Incarcerate" ♪

♪ Andy's hands go in his pants But that don't mean he's freaky ♪

♪ That don't mean he's freaky ♪

♪ Now let's bring it back to Jules, Her middle name is... ♪

Um...

Bitch, please! That's my wife.

♪ I know her name is Kiki ♪

♪ And that's my new climb-the-mountain, Pay attention, learn-to-listen ♪

♪ Song ♪

Yay! Yeah!

See, from now on, anything you want me to remember,

just tell me to song it, and I'll just add another verse.

I love it, babe. I'm so proud of you!

And I am proud of you.

Everybody, let's give it up for Jules for reading a book!

I'm not applauding that.

Well, I'm not gonna lie. It wasn't easy.

I feel like that book took something away from me that

I will never be able to get back.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. I will never read another book again.

We not clapping that one? Sorry.

And finally, everyone, can we take a look at Andy Torres over here?

Who is standing before you with no hand down his pants!

- OK! - No, thanks.

- Seriously, I kicked the habit. - Hey, look, I know you're skeptical.

But trust me, he's cured.

If he wasn't, would I let him do this? Go ahead, Andy.

- Aha! - Oh, God.

- What'd I tell you? - Oh.

I kicked the habit!

I-I can't hear 'cause you're covering my ears.

I didn't kick the habit,

but I promise not to do it in front of you or Stan.

- Don't tell Trav. Deal? - Yay!

Yay!

- Impressed? - Song it, babe.

♪ And Trav just had balls on his face ♪

What?

Hey, babe.

Oh. Uh, yeah, I just... I can't.

Is this because

how Andy violated my face?

I just... keep seeing this weird vision.

And for some reason, you're in a steam room,

and you're unconscious because you've just been roofied.

And Andy comes in and he...

very gently places the package portion of his junk on your face.

And it looks like a wet grocery bag.

Look, I've showered five times. I scrubbed my cheeks until I drew blood.

This is clean.

OK? We have to be able to kiss again.

I know. You know what? You're right. I'm sorry.

You're right.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Balls! Balls, balls, balls, balls,

balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls!

Come on!