Original subtitles

Mmm! This is nice.

It's my favorite time of day-- just you and me

and 20 seconds of total peace and quiet...

...until your dad wakes up the entire state

with one of his sneezes.

Ah-choo!

Ah. morning!

True story: One of his sneezes killed Scott Baio.

- He's still alive. - No, that was our dog.

Yeah, I killed a parakeet, too.

Then the neighbors stop by mid-argument for coffee.

I have to stay in a hotel to clip my toenails?

You are not clipping those talons in my house.

It's like walking on broken glass.

New parents pop in with a question.

Hey, guys, okay, is it normal for diaper rash to kind of...

go around the corner?

Gross, and yes.

Then there's the wild card.

Met a Swiss gal on the operating table last week,

so, uh, I'm working on my yodel.

it's their mating call.

Same time tomorrow?

See you then.

You know, it's my house, too.

- Okay, go to the doctor? - The hat is too much?

Seriously

- Hey, babe. - Mm.

- Ooh, you look great. - Thanks.

Ooh, you might want to let that cool.

No time. I got to go close on that two-bedroom apartment.

Mm! Wow! Burned my tongue.

- You okay? - Yeah,

I think I'll have some yogurt.

There's my classy gal.

So, it's been a while

since the two of us have had some time to ourselves.

Yeah, I've noticed that, too.

But tonight, your dad's gonna be out of the house,

rehearsing with that ridiculous jug band.

The Jugs. it's a play on the Judds,

but with, you know...

I know. I just like to hear you say it.

Anyway, you know that fancy tapas place

Where it's impossible to get a table? mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Well I got us a table.

How?! That's only for cool people.

I had to convince them I was scouting locations

for the Lou Diamond Phillips

Native American jewelry line launch party.

So if you see me wearing a necklace later,

just go with it.

Tonight? That is so sweet...

and also slightly annoying,

'cause I have like 20 things I've got to do.

And I told Trav and Laurie I'd watch the baby tonight.

I just thought it'd be a cool surprise.

I'll go cancel it.

Is that "sad body"?

I mean, I can rearrange a few things

and just find a substitute sitter for tonight.

- I'm free. - Shocking

Plus, I can do two dozen ambient sounds that soothe babies.

Uh, this is "migrating whale pod."

Mm.

You know, I thought that would be horrible,

but that's like a deep-tissue massage for the soul.

Keep 'em coming!

"Happy cat."

Okay, for Stan's birthday,

we need cake, ice cream,

party hats...

oh, balloons.

Ugh.

Stan is turning seven. He deserves an awesome party.

You know, traditionally, in Cuba, when you turn seven,

you get to smoke your first cigar.

Let me plan it.

No. I love planning my son's parties.

Let me make you a deal.

You know how you and I have a dinner tonight

with my new clients and their wives?

Let me plan Stan's party, and you can skip it.

- Done. - Hmm.

Hey, you guys, you know, we're celebrating something, too.

Today, baby Bobby turns six weeks old.

And six weeks after childbirth

means Laurie and I can finally...

officially...

get it on!

- Ugh. - Bleeh.

The thought of you having sex

sense a cold chill of disgust down our spines.

You know what? We should synchronize our reactions

Your shudder with my bleh.

I'll try it.

- Ugh. - Bleh.

I like it. Change approved.

You guys.

What, it doesn't bother you that they're grossed out by us?

Oh, sweetie, it's not us. Observe.

I once had sex with Willie Nelson,

but it turned out it wasn't Willie Nelson.

it was just an old lady.

I occasionally let Travis have sex with me.

- Ugh. - Bleh.

See? They're just repulsed by you.

Great. That's much better.

That reminds me, time for my romantic tip of the day.

Tweet Larmy.

I get it carpal tunnel going on

from lifting up the baby,

so I can't text, so I have to dictate all my tweets.

Before boning dude in

Let me just type for you,

which is easier than having to hear you

and having to then stab you.

Oh, about time to drop baby Bobby off with Jules

so Mommy and I can get our freak on.

- Bleh. - Ugh.

Bonnie, You barely even know me.

I know you plus sex equals gross.

Oh, hey!

Got some roller skates.

It's a really good workout.

Did you know that this works your butt?

Actually, formally, it works your butt cheeks.

That's the real place that it works.

It makes them very, very tight, very taut,

Hard as a rock, you know?

So, Tom is helping you babysit?

Yep. You know, he's a doctor.

It's good to have him around

just in case Grayson and I accidentally fall asleep

from having such a lame, uneventful night.

Bye, sweetie. Mama loves you so much.

I'm gonna be thinking about you every second.

Not every second. Not when we're, uh...

Ew.

Ellie came by and showed us how.

Glad you're on board.

How long do you think it'll last?

Oh, I'm guessing forever, bae.

You guys have a great time.

Okay, they're gone. Let's do this!

Do we really have to lie to the gang

- about going out to dinner? - Are you kidding?

They find out we're gonna have fun without them,

they're gonna come out of the woodwork.

You're dressed up.

Are you going out? May I come?

Oh, no, no. We're not going out.

I just, um...

I-I wanted to look hot for baby Bobby.

Yeah. Me too.

All right. Stay low. Head for the door.

Trav and Laurie are turning around. They're coming back.

Back door! Stay low!

What's going on there?! I hear scurrying.

No, there's no scurrying. Just, um...

Baby stuff.

Why is Tom there? What are you doing over there?

Why are you inside the house?

Hey. Is Jules here?

She was home a minute ago, and now she's gone.

Yeah, Laurie just needs a little reassurance on the baby

Before we, uh...

- head home. - Ugh.

- I didn't even say it. - You thought it.

Tweet Larmy.

After six weeks on the D.L., my lady parts--

I would rather type than hear that.

"My lady parts are supes stoked

to get back into naked spin class."

That's really good.

Yeah, because it's not hard

spitting out skank-speak to idiots.

So you got lucky with one sweet tweet, you know,

but the Larmy demands a constant stream of my brain gems.

I'm sure it's quite a challenge to produce genius such as...

oh, "Just twerked for six straight minutes.

#reachinggoals."

You think it's easy to keep my tweeples stoked

for an entire day?

Prove it.

"Just totes got tweet-challenged by a Hooba-Skank."

Oh, they like that.

What's a retweet?

Oh, here's another. Is that good?

I mean...

Where did Mom and Grayson go? Her car's still here.

Ooh, God. I don't know.

I just realized my boobs are hard as rocks.

Oh, hey, baby. I'm turned on, too.

You don't really know how boobs work, do you?

No, I don't.

I have to feed baby Bobby. come on.

We did it! We're free!

Whew!

Sexy dinner, here we come.

- Jules! - Aah!

Watch out for Bonnie?

A little late, dude.

She's fine. I barely tapped her.

With a 3,000-pound car.

But she doesn't even have a scratch.

Hon, do you want me to call the doctor?

Oh, no, I have everything I need right here.

Put her on the couch. I'll get some water.

Here you go.

What are you doing? Put her down.

I'm trying. she's on me like a koala.

Gah!

Look, Jules...

if we get Jerry to pick her up right now,

we can still make dinner.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I'm too hurt to be moved.

I'm calling your husband. What's Jerry's number?

Oh. I don't remember.

I can only remember my lawyer's number.

And there goes dinner.

Well, guess I don't need this wearable art anymore.

If you need me, I'll be in my bed.

Ooh, I wonder if I'd heal faster

if I was up in that bed with him.

Well, wonder away. It ain't gonna happen.

I just walked into my room

to find Laurie nursing on my bed.

Ew!

The baby, not Trav.

Oh. Well, that's beautiful.

So, I have no sexy tapas night,

a milking mom on my bed,

and a psychotic lunatic on my couch.

Guess I'll just, uh, go stand in the yard.

You know what? I can fix this.

I'm gonna go down to that restaurant,

and I'm gonna get us another reservation.

Good luck! I had to beg for a crappy 6:00 table.

Every time we make eye contact, my whole body shakes.

Whew. caught me.

What are you doing here?

I thought you and Laurie were supposed to be-- bleh!

We are, but Laurie had to feed baby Bobby,

so we called a one-hour delay on the Spanks.

Right.

To Gray's Pub and bey--

beyond!

To Gray's Pub and beyond!

I'm Buzz Lightyear!

Pixar, man, in the house!

Yeah! What do you think, Ellie?

"Supes sad when grown men rock a bone for kids' toys."

Great. Stan's gonna have the best birthday.

"I have a cuz named Birthday. Her stripper mom went into labor

jumping out a giant cake."

I just wanted to show it off. Can you help me get out?

I get charged double if I get sweat stains in it.

Uh, hold on. The suit is...

Awesome?

It's also stuck.

Hilarious.

Trav? Hilarious?

Got to get out of this. Got to get out of it.

Now it's hilarious.

Hi. Uh, my husband and I have reservations tonight at 6:00,

but I ran over someone with my car,

so I was wondering, could we get a table just a little bit later?

N to the O. We're booked.

"N to the O"?

Oh. Sorry. Got it.

"No."

Um, look, this is really something he wants, so...

This is Chez Fray-- supes swank

and tuna tartare so totes tight it'll make your face melt.

Walk-up rezzie to this restie? Sha.

Right. So, um...

What?

Totes... booked.

I'll be right back.

You. Ugh.

N plus O, 'K?

Okay, I'm pretty sure you're using words.

They're just not words I know, so I brought a translator.

Hey, chestie bestie. no tabes for my girl?

Your girl's trippin'.

No walk-up rezzies at Chez to the Fray.

- Def? - Snagging tabes is supes hard.

- How supes? - Totes supes.

Totes supes? Real? - Real.

- Walk-ups are imposs. - Feel.

What if lady peeps and her Sugar D

grabbed a high-top bar-sides?

Swingsies for a chestie bestie?

I can maybe swingsies bar-sides.

'Ray owes me a fave 'cause I used to let him

motor-B my speed bags.

Use 'em if you got 'em.

Def throw a bro a motorB and grab a fave.

Totes.

I can hook a bar slice at ocho,

but ocho on the nizzy on the dot.

Sharp ocho on the dot, real.

- Feel. - Love.

What the hell just happened?

Um, it's a tabes for two at 8:00.

Okay, I got to hurry. Um, wow.

Your Laurie is getting scary good.

I'm in her head. There's tons of room.

You're the best.

I'm a supes bestie.

Wait. Why am I thinking in Laurie?

OMG-string. My brain is stuck.

My brain is totes stuck.

Bums.

Aah!

Jerry down. Suit still on.

Please, I have to pee so badly!

Think!

Yeah, all right.

All right. One, two...

three!

I think it's working! I hear tearing!

It's not the suit! It's me.

Ooh, was that a pop?

That thing's on you like a bear trap.

Is there at least a zipper so you can use the bathroom?

- I don't have to go anymore. - What?

What? Nothing. Shut up.

Travis, I have to get out of this suit

before my dinner at 8:00.

It's with really important clients!

It's already 5:30!

Yeah, that watch might be slightly off

since it's a sticker.

It's 7:45.

7:45?! They're gonna be there any minute! I'm screwed!

Where you going?

To dinner... and beyond!

Why are you still outside?

It's my new spot,

right here next to the bug zapper.

And why is Bonnie hardcore

spooning your sweats?

She must've gotten into the laundry when I wasn't looking.

Well, I've never felt bad for a pair of sweatpants before,

but that is assault.

Get this: We got a table.

- Our dinner's back on. - How?!

Ellie's friend called in a fave

'cause Ray motor-B'd her speed bags.

I don't know what that means, but we got a table!

Is Tom here?

Will he still watch the baby when Laurie's done feeding him?

Yeah, he just ran home for a second.

Great.

- Let's do this! - Hey, what is a motor-B?

I'll show you later.

I can't believe this.

I mean, I thought the night was ruined when you hit Bonnie.

When I hit Bonnie?

We were both in the car. We hit Bonnie.

"We"?

Okay, okay, who cares?

Oh, can you focus on the road?

I'm focusing. I know how to drive.

Uh, I-I'm okay, uh, but could you stop the car?

I'm hitting the brake as hard I can!

No, I think that's the gas.

we seem to be going faster.

Jules, stop!

Oh! There it is!

We did it again.

Thanks for the lift, Grayson.

I'll be okay.

I've sustained lots of serious injuries

during my high-school football days.

You played football? What position?

Sousaphone.

Good news.

The damage to the car isn't too bad.

What? It isn't.

Whew! Well, that was a doozy of a breast sesh.

Baby Bobby just tapped out my mammies.

Sounds like a busy day at the "breastaurant."

Yeah, I don't even think this bra fits anymore.

All right.

Listen, I guess it's time for me to go let Travis hit this.

Well, I guess I'll take off.

Oh, wait. Where you going?

Work. I just wanted one night for us, Jules.

Just one night. we couldn't even get that.

Jules is really sexy when she's sad. Mm.

You are one odd-ass duck, Bonnie.

Clear the way!

Iconic animated superhero coming through!

Good day, citizen.

Running out of time!

Must get to restaurant!

Well, your bright, hateful light

seems to have dimmed. What's going on?

Tweeting so long as Laurie...

that I can't get her Jelly voice out my brain.

Oh, you went too deep into character.

You've gone full Daniel Day-Lewis.

Heard about this

in acting class.

I always dreamt it would one day happen to me.

Yeah, like you have the chops to go full D.D.L. Whatevs.

Hey! This isn't about me!

See? I can do any emotion. Damn it. I'm sorry.

Look, I had this audition for a yogurt spot,

and, uh, they said that I couldn't do happy.

I heard the only way out of a full D.D.L.

is, like, some huge shock to the system.

I think my sys is totes broke.

I'm so in her crain, I know what she's doing 24-sevs.

Right now, she and shed-head are on the couch,

about to get it on, and she's saying...

Babe, I'm riding a six-week wave of horny.

I haven't wanted to saddle and ride this bad

since I watched the DVD extras of Stomp the Yard.

And then Trav'll say...

You are the most...

sexy, beautiful thing...

I've ever seen.

And then Jelly says...

Then why don't you get

that little hairless seal chest over here

and you kiss me like I got an itch in the back of my throat?

No, no, no, no, no!

She's gone.

I was so traumatized

at the thought of her and Travis having--

If I performed a monologue for you,

would you maybe give me some pointers?

Oh, no, I'm never doing that. You're a horrible actor.

And she's back.

Oh, hey, Jer. Has Bonnie not called you?

No, why? She got run over by a car.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she seems-- she seems fine.

Oh. Great.

The front entrance is closed.

You'll have to go around to the back.

Sorry. I'm a little short on time.

Oh, yeah!

Torres? What do you think you're doing?

I'm...

taking profits... to infinity and beyond!

I'm fired, aren't I?

Oh, yeah!

Hi, babe.

I'm so sorry about our dinner.

I mean, it's not like we meant to hit those people.

"We"? Uh, you were driving.

Oh, my God. You really don't know how to take responsibility.

Wait. Why is your bar closed?

Private event.

Hmm.

I had to get you out of the house

without anyone else getting in the way, so...

I faked a sad storm-off.

Are you kidding? Oh, my goodness.

I really believed you were upset.

I knew those acting classes would pay off!

Suck it, Ellie!

Jules...

I know that our life together is going to be crazy.

You have so many people that need you...

...and I know you'll never turn them away.

And I love that about you.

- And you love them, too. - I don't.

I just want a little more time for us.

So...

if we can't get to the sexy restaurant,

I will bring the sexy restaurant to us.

Baby, it's perfect.

I'm glad you like it,

Especially since I'm losing nine grand closing the bar early.

Ooh. Come here.

Wait a minute. Are you really losing nine grand,

or are you just trying to guilt me into having freaky sex?

Freaky sex.

♪ Your heart ♪

Stop!

Jerry, what are you doing? You have to be more careful!

Yeah, sorry. I just wasn't thinking much about it.

Ooh.

You okay?

Yeah. You?

Yeah.

Don't tell Grayson.