Original subtitles

OK, what do you think I should get Travis

for his graduation gift?

The robot vacuum, uh, electric bike,

or a one-person hovercraft?

Definitely not a robot vacuum.

Those things really creep me out.

I need my vacuums to have soul.

He doesn't graduate for four months.

I thought you agreed to cut back on your early shopping?

OK, fine.

Then I'll just make some returns,

and you'll never know what you were getting

for Christmas 2015.

A spray tan package!

Oh, hey, why don't you get him this massage chair?

"Perfect for those times you wanna be touched,

but you're all alone."

You can have them deliver it right to his room upstairs,

where he'll be for the next ten years.

Why would Travis be living here after graduation?

'Cause he's graduating from art school.

Oh, come on, Ellie.

Now we all know that Trav is ambitious, independent,

and has a fantastic work ethic.

Why are we laughing?

Hey, I was just talking about you.

So graduation's in a couple months, huh?

Yeah. Guess that's right.

In the eight or nine years it'll take you

to find a way to make money with an art degree,

what do you see yourself doing?

Lotta irons in the fire.

Can't wait to, uh, dive in,

get my hands dirty, really hit the ground running.

I gotta go to class. Later.

Bye, babe.

Well, it sounds like Travis has got a lot going on.

Those are just empty buzzwords.

I do that at work

when I can't think of anything to say.

"You need to prioritize,"

"refocus your capital," "really attack the market."

Should I be attacking the market?

Yeah, go ahead.

I don't mind dating a guy who plays with action figures,

I just don't think I should have to pay for them.

- Dude needs a j-o-b. - I should go.

We are trying to get Stan into Gulfhaven Academy.

The woman from admissions is coming by the house.

That place is crazy competitive. They barely accept anyone.

- Like me, but a school. - Why didn't you tell me?

You know I need at least an hour to tie a Windsor knot.

You're not invited.

You know you get all weepy talking about Stan's future,

and then you make a huge ass of yourself.

I'm cool with Stan getting older...

going to school...

becoming a man.

All right, that's all yours, Jules. Enjoy.

Just let it out.

It's like yesterday he was a baby!

- Laurie, where's Jules? - Whoa, are you OK?

You didn't even call me a name.

There's no time, trample-Stiltskin.

OK, there's a little time. Where is she?

She's showing a house.

Aren't you supposed to be at your interview?

My nanny is sick.

If I don't have someone watching Stan,

he might put Thousand Island dressing

in my shampoo bottle again.

Honey, I'll watch him.

I used to take care of my 15 foster sibs.

Well, Stan is a major handful.

Bitch, please.

One of my brothers thought he was a pit bull.

I used to fill a dog toy with peanut butter

to keep him from biting. I think I got this.

OK, but only because I'm totally screwed.

Come on, Hooba-skank!

Hey! I'm doing you a favor.

I'm sorry, it's reflex. Thank you so much for helping.

Slut-bag.

Bobby, we need to talk.

Uh-oh. I know that voice.

Either something's going on with Travis,

or your aunt Gracie died again.

I asked Travis what he wants to do after graduation,

he said he has a lot of irons in the fire.

Sounds like our boy means business.

No, he doesn't.

I know he wants to be a photographer,

but that could take a really long time.

What's he gonna do for money until then?

Pretty soon, Trav will be on his own...

out in the world.

OK, you're gonna have to go, dude.

You're kicking me out, too?

Damn it.

I don't want Travis to be one of those kids

that finishes school, and just sits around

doing nothing, waiting for his dream job.

What are we gonna do?

You hold him so close he never grows up.

- Dude. - I'll stop.

We have to sit Travis down, and we have to make sure

that he has a plan.

I'm in.

Hello?

Hmm? Oh, you meant now. Oh, come on. Yep, got it.

Looks like you're dealing with something,

so I'm just gonna leave you with that and...

Ellie kicked me out of the house,

and I don't know what to do with myself.

Are you kidding?

In my first marriage,

my friends and I would rage when our wives were busy.

Me and a buddy once

broke into Gloria Estefan's house

and took a picture with her grammy.

Not the award, her grandmother was house-sitting.

I don't know.

I might just put on my cozy pants

and get an oil change.

Tell you what, Jules is with Travis,

so I'm gonna help you out.

We're gonna do anything you want.

Something crazy, you name it. Bro Day!

Do we have to call it "Bro Day"?

Well, I used to call it "dudes on the down low,"

but turns out, that means something else.

Stan's test scores are great.

But we're looking for kids from families

that are a little more... diverse.

Well, Stan's half-Cuban.

This is Florida, Mrs. Torres.

I dare you to throw a rock and not hit a Cuban.

Figuratively.

Sorry, sorry to interrupt.

I just need to grab Stan's books.

Unfortunately, we only have a few spots left

and we hope to fill those with a child from say,

a low-income bracket or single-parent home,

or perhaps an alternative family.

so...

Excuse me. Oh, baby girl.

You know I can't resist you when you wear this sweater.

Oh, I didn't realize that you were...

Yes, big time.

Big time.

So this graduating thing is exciting,

and I know you have a lot of irons in the fire.

Yeah, you gotta cast a wide net,

bait the hook, see what bites.

Mover and shaker, this guy.

Oh, sorry.

We both support your photography,

but that could take years,

so what are you planning to do in the meantime?

A ton, cooking up an animated web series,

may kickstart an app.

and if my blog gets linked to HuffPo, sky's the limit.

All I heard was "po," "kick," and "app."

So let me ask you another way...

um, how are you gonna support yourself?

Probably just move back here until one of my ideas pops.

Oh! and I thought of an idea for a reality show

about old firehouses.

My friend's cousin lives next to a producer, so...

fingers crossed.

Yep, we raised a deadbeat.

Trav has no interest in a real job.

You know, when I was 20, I-I worked at a car wash.

I mean, I only quit because all the old men were yelling,

"put 'em on the glass!"

When we met, I was selling shoes

at an Irish Pub.

I would steal them off the drunk guys

and sell them back to 'em at the end of the night.

Yeah, when you told me that, there was no way

I wasn't marrying you.

Hey, maybe Trav can use a metal detector

and collect coins at the beach.

Now, well, how do you buy a metal detector

when you have no money?

I'm out of ideas.

Yeah, I think Travis needs a job

that's more... a job.

The manager at Coffee Bucks loves me.

He lets me pay for coffee in hugs.

I bet he'd give Travis a job interview.

I cannot believe you kissed me!

Pff. Ugh.

What kiss? You kissed?

W-where was I when you kissed?

Big deal. There was no tongue slip.

There was no tongue because I shut my lips.

I felt you trying to poke in.

OK, I need to know what's going on right now.

Jelly Clarkson made out with me

in front of the admissions rep,

who now thinks we're lovers.

She said that they were looking for kids

from alternative families.

As in... same-sex couples.

Oh, great. That's her now.

What was it like? I mean... did you like it?

I mean, do you think that Ellie would be

a better kisser than me?

I always thought I would make a magnificent gay man.

I'm a tender, open-minded, free spirit,

and I got a quality unit.

Oh.

Well, Stan is now very high on their waiting list.

They just invited me to a prospective parent picnic.

Boo-yah! I told you it would work.

So what's the problem, lady?

The problem is that she wants me

to bring my partner.

Oh, yeah. That might be a problem.

Goodness, look at us.

The best of friends just laughin'...

and lovin'...

- and kissing? - Not now, sweetie.

Bro time! What do you got?

OK, let's see.

Um, beef up my shell collection,

make some fruit smoothies.

You know, I always wanted to grow my own basil.

Dude, you got a free pass here.

We gotta do something bro-dacious

like jet-skiing, catfishing,

or body surfing, or motorcycling, spelunking,

or dunking and crunking!

I guess I'll know it when I hear it.

Hey, Grayson?

Could I borrow some of those tiny drink umbrellas?

Snowball and I are making a cat video.

Cat video!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You said anything I want,

and this is what I want. It sounds purr-fect.

Meow we're talkin'.

It'll be kitty fun.

Hey, it's pretty cool you got Trav an interview,

but I doubt he's gonna dig us eavesdroppin'.

Please, I've got this covered.

So, Travis, tell me...

why do you wanna work for Coffee Bucks?

Well, "want" is a bit of an overstatement.

My mom forced me to take this interview.

You know how it is.

Bonus points for honesty, I suppose.

Uh, what would you say are your strengths?

Sci-fi movie trivia,

ironic t-shirt ideas, subtle sarcastic put downs.

- Nice tie, by the way. - Oh, thank you.

Not a strong start,

but he could still put it around.

But you are passionate about coffee.

Uh... coffee?

I'm passionate about photography,

passionate about my girlfriend.

Oh, yeah.

What kind of weirdo is passionate about coffee?

This weirdo is passionate about coffee.

I think you should go.

I might not be able to pay with hugs anymore.

Yeah.

If there is anything funnier than a cat c.p.a.

with a tiny briefcase...

I don't know what it is.

You know, on my last Bro Day,

my buddy and I took a cigarette boat

to get Cuban food...

in Cuba.

I should get some tuna.

Snowball can get a little bratty

if his blood sugar drops.

It's hard work being a cat-countant.

A cat-countant?

Can you not see yourselves? Look at you,

you're two grown men trying to put a cat

in a bow tie and a pocket protector, it's so stupid.

You should at least make him something cool,

you know, like...

you know, like a bartender or something.

You mean, cat-tender?

Yeah, like a-a cat-tender.

To the pub!

OK, we are only going along with this insanity

until I find a way to straighten this whole thing out.

OK, well, as long as we are a couple,

my relationship demands are as follows:

constant touching, surprise kisses,

casual boob grazes, and regular compliments.

Some good areas to focus on: my eyes, hair, feet.

I'm out.

Mrs. Torres, it's great to see you.

It's so nice to be here... with my partner.

We are lovers, above all else.

Isn't that right, lover?

Yes, lover.

Aw! You have that look in your eye,

like you're about to pay me a compliment.

You're... pretty,

particularly in the hair, eye, and feet area.

It's inspiring to see a couple so in love.

I can't keep my hands off her.

Aw.

Highway to the lady zone.

What-what?

What-what, indeed.

You know, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but Trav has no job, no plan,

and no respect for money.

It's time to scare him straight.

And I am the poster boy for zero ambition,

living on a land boat, hand-to-mouth,

and I use a Costco sized bag of oyster crackers as a pillow.

Why don't you just roll up a towel?

What would I put under the door to keep the snakes out?

What's up, parental unit?

Travis, have a seat.

Let me tell you about my life, son.

Last night I had six Doritos locos tacos

and fell asleep naked under the stars,

'cause I got no job

and nowhere to be when I wake up.

Sounds... amazing.

It's awful.

You know, he has to steal his electricity

from a sushi restaurant/ gas station.

Of course, if he was willing to get a job,

he wouldn't be in this pathetic situation.

I don't know if it was pathetic.

It's pathetic and embarrassing.

And that's what's gonna happen to you, boy.

Is this some type of "scared straight" routine?

Travis, you need a wake-up call.

I mean, I can't believe how you acted in that interview.

So you were spying on me in the interview?

Why can't you just let me do anything on my own?

Yeah, Jules, why do you always have to meddle?

What are you doing? We're a team.

We were until you threw me under the bus.

Yes, but we were supposed to throw you

under the bus together.

This is crazy! I'm outta here.

Yeah, you know what? I'm outta here, too.

Well, I'm outta here, too!

Damn it! This is not an easy place to storm out of.

Whoa. You're really sucking it down, huh?

Yeah, so what?

Your wine is like crap, pretzels are stale.

What's that stupid photograph?

Oh, that's me and my buddy Blake

with Gloria Estefan's grammy.

We were being bro-dacious.

Well, that's actually kinda cool.

I'm sorry, honey, I'm just...

I'm upset about this Travis thing.

And Bobby completely ruined our "scared straight" routine.

That never works.

Although, I do do a great angry inmate.

Boy, you don't wanna come into my world.

I'll slap some strawberry lip gloss on you

and make you my woman.

Oh, can we do that tonight?

What? No.

All right, maybe the "scared straight" thing

was a dumb idea,

but I just--I want Travis to start thinking

about his future.

I didn't start working right after college,

and look at me now.

I'm a successful, responsible business owner.

Grayson, look at these prosthetic cat paws

so Snowball can mix drinks.

I didn't-- what was that about?

I didn't even know he was back there.

I know I meddle in Travis' life.

I just... I want him to make smart choices

so he doesn't end up struggling like Bobby and I did.

Look, he's 22 years old now.

He's gonna do what he wants to do,

and if you've raised him right,

then he already has the tools to make the right decisions.

Besides, we know he's mature. I mean, all he does

is hang with a bunch of adults.

Grayson, the mustache you made

won't stick to Snowball's whiskers.

We need a cat-safe adhesive.

Are you trying to time these for maximum embarrassment?

Yeah, but seriously,

we need your help with the whiskers.

Ellie was my psych t.a. in college,

so I asked for study help,

and she said office hours were that night at her house.

Well, bottle of tequila later,

we're all tangled up in a bubble bath.

The rest is history.

It's like our story was lifted

straight off the pages of Maxim magazine.

Oh, oh, baby.

Maybe dial it back a notch, l-word.

I don't do relationships halfway.

Quick, the Murrays are looking.

Stick your tongue in my ear, make it deep.

At what roadside truck stop

did you learn about relationships?

I guess I'm supposed to just sit here, unloved,

by a seething ball of negativity.

Well, at least I'm not a giant pit of need.

I'm sorry that I'm so needy!

You're just a cold fish. You never touch me!

We're at a public event.

This is not the ideal place for ear sex

and a full-body rubdown.

All you do is take me for granted.

I give and I give and I give

to be the very best lesbian I can,

and you never care!

I am done. Do you hear me?

Done!

Excuse me.

We fight because we love.

Uh, excuse me.

Why is our cat-tender wearing a Hawaiian shirt?

Oh, because he's a flair cat, like Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

Whoo!

I don't know how cats work with these things.

We are not doing some cheesy cat-tail rip-off.

Snowball is a film noir cat,

Serving up martinis

to hard-boiled Humphrey Bogart types.

Who's ever heard of a film noir cat?

Who's ever heard of a Cocktail cat?

I don't think this is a healthy cat-mosphere.

This is my Bro Day, and I wanna do cat-sablanca.

Well, this is my bar, and I wanna do cat-tail.

This is my cat--

Shut up, Tom!

You should not have to listen to this.

Very unprofessional.

Hey, Trav.

Look, I just got your text. I know you're mad.

Sit.

OK, son, I got your text,

and I know you're pissed off.

- Park it. - Oh, shoot.

You know, when I was walking away

from the boat earlier, I thought to myself,

"who else but my parents would come up with an idea

as stupid as a 'scared straight' routine?"

It seemed so smart when we thought of it.

I was impressed with us.

I was mad that you'd treat me like a child,

so I figured I'd ignore you for a few days,

make you come to me and apologize,

but that seemed like the behavior

of, well, a child.

So, thought I'd try something a little more adult.

Oh, man.

Am I about to get punched in the face?

No, Dad. I brought you here to say thanks.

Even though you show it

in amazingly stupid ways sometimes,

I know you guys care about me,

and I think you guys are great parents.

Oh, my little boy has gotten so dadgum mature.

Not really helping the adult vibe, Mom.

Let's get in there and grab some coffee.

- I think that went OK. - Yes, it did.

I'm so gonna have to pay for these coffees.

Yes, you are.

Why did you draw whiskers on your face?

I am playing Snowball's bar back.

It's called committing.

Well, I hope you can commit to flair cat,

'cause that's what we're doing.

Oh! Pff.

Look at me, I have flair! Oh!

Well, look at me! I'm a film noir rip-off.

Her gams went all the way

from her paws to her ears.

I could tell from the start that this tabby was trouble.

What's happening here? What are you guys doing?

We're having awesome bro time.

Oh, wait, are we taking a five?

This isn't bro-dacious at all.

Yeah, I guess I can't get as wild as I used to.

Do you think maybe I could get a drink?

Ellie and I broke up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's like a tornado.

She sweeps you up, knocks you down,

and as much as it hurts,

you just want her to do it all over again.

You smell like cat litter.

Hey.

I wanna apologize.

I know you were just trying to help.

I'm sorry I got so carried away.

It's just... I never had a chance

to go to a great school like that and...

I really wanted it to work out for Stan.

And it's so sweet that you care about him so much.

I really do.

And if there was a truth gun to my head,

I really care about you, too.

I feel the same.

Man, I'm sorry for being such a jerk.

I'm sorry for being so...

I'm tempted to say "catty."

Don't.

I just wish I hadn't ruined everything today.

That school's too pretentious for Stan.

He deserves better.

And for what it's worth, you were a great girlfriend.

Thanks.

You were a really good girlfriend, too.

And you're a great kisser.

You weren't bad, yourself.

Thank you.

- Mmm. - Aw.

The camera's not even here.

I'm sorry for what I said about you on the boat.

You're not pathetic.

I was just trying to get through to Trav.

I know, Jules.

You know, we both just want what's best for him,

and we may not get through to him all the time,

but overall, I'd say we did all right.

Welcome to Coffee Bucks. Can I take your order?

Trav, what are you doing back there?

Did you steal that apron?

You're gonna get in so much trouble!

Guys, I work here now.

I called the manager and asked for a second chance.

So... what can I get for ya?

It's my first shift, I only know how to make coffee.

Two coffees.

- There you go. - Thank you.

I'm not supposed to take your money.

My coffees are free?

Well, they're not exactly free...

- Ah. - Oh.

Mmm.

Is this the worst coffee you've ever had?

Man, it tastes like dirt and water.

Ugh.

Wow. What'll it be, pal?

Do you know the mug

at the end of the bar? Skinny Sal?

Big drinker, bad tipper. Ha ha, meow.

He's not as dumb as he looks.

He's the top money man for--

Whoa.

He's not as dumb as he looks. He's the top--

What are you doing?

These paws suck...

um... cessfully help me catch mice.

Snowball's never gonna forgive me for this.