Original subtitles

It is so cold, my fingers shrank and now my ring won't stay on.

Did you find out why the heat is not working?

Yes, yes, I did.

Do you remember three months ago when we split up our household duties,

and you wanted to be in charge of paying the bills?

I have an awesome system,

I pay the bills the second I see them in the mail.

And do you remember two months ago, when you got sad about trees dying

and put all of our accounts on paperless billing?

Duh! No paper bills, less tree murder.

Give it a sec. She'll get it.

Oh, wait, paperless means our bills won't come in the mail.

And if our bills don't come in the mail, then... Oh, crap!

Oh, then what? What happens?

It's a miracle I can even tie my own shoes.

OK, I forgot to pay our bills. Not a problem.

It's OK, I'll take care of it right now.

I'll take care of it later.

Our phone got shut off? Jules, damn it, that is so irresponsible.

I'm so sorry. I know this is my screw-up. I'm going to fix it.

Do it soon, I'm freezing.

The paper said the next two days could hit record lows here.

There's a 10% chance of snow.

Snow?

Awesome! We can build snowmen and write our names in pee!

Not everyone can write their name in pee.

Are you more upset about that than screwing up our bills?

Of course not.

Who would even want to

pee their name in the snow?

Did you know that some places make you pay in person if your bill is late?

Of course. When I lived in New York,

I would just wait until I got that third late notice,

then I'd go down to the billing office and rub up against the guy at the desk.

I never had to pay.

All right, I got to go deal with this stuff.

You. You ran out on your check at breakfast.

You owe me 15 bucks.

No, I don't. My boyfriend served me breakfast in bed.

and then I served him a little side of... What, what.

Oh, no. Did she have dark hair?

Ugh, I bet it was Missy, my doppelganger.

She looks exactly like me, except she never has any money.

Tell her. Yeah, that's not happening.

I'm calling the cops.

Fine, take it.

You have heard all of my doppelganger stories,

why didn't you back me up?

Because you're so full of crap.

You think I am lying?

Absolutely. But it's no big deal, I lie all the time.

You think that Andy is Stan's father?

He is. I'm joking!

Yeah, I'm trying to find out how much I owe on my car insurance.

What does that mean, "lapsed"?

Stupid ring.

Oh, that's what that means.

Shoo! Whoo!

Check out my duds!

You look like the hero of every '80s ski movie!

"The only way off this mountain is down the Devil's Chute."

What does "best" mean?

I made one for you, too.

No! I love it!

You know the weather report said there was only 10% chance.

For snow!

I've always wanted to wake up to a winter wonderland,

and it's finally going to happen!

Here, I got this for you, for our first father-son snowball fight.

Ah!

All right. I'm off to stock up on canned goods!

Shoo!

Do you think he's a little overly excited

for something that almost definitely isn't happening?

I got snow in my ear! It's so cold!

- Hey, babe. - Hi.

- How's your day? - Not bad.

And I really meant that.

Those weren't just words that I am saying that are not true.

Would you move on? All I did was call you a huge liar.

- Oh, boy. - I do not lie!

Lying is for people that hide things. I hide nothing.

I learned that the hard way

when I dropped my napkin under the table last week.

So there's no fiction

or exaggeration in your tales of world travel

or pseudo-celebrity sexual encounters,

or friends who give birth on dance floors?

I had one friend who dropped fetus on a dance floor.

No sane person could believe the nonsense that you say is true.

Well, I always believed her.

You don't count, she lets you see her naked.

Knuckleheads?

I never thought she was lying.

Me neither.

Then I have bad news for you, you're all idiots.

And it will be up to me to prove that our friend JB is full of BS.

Do your worst, my rap is bulletproof.

Not unlike my foster brother, Zig,

who, after a serious lion-taming mishap,

had to be completely rebuilt using a complicated...

Oh, boy. Grayson is going to freak.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm sorry, I didn't realize how attractive you are.

Would you mind if I asked you that question without yelling?

OK.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm so sorry.

This car is really expensive, isn't it?

Well, it was, until a couple of minutes ago.

I have this insurance issue...

Why don't we forget about this whole thing

and grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath

and I can try to figure out

how someone as incredible as you are isn't married.

Well, actually, I...

I'm Jules.

I'm Sam. Shall we?

Sure.

Ellie! I lost my insurance, I rear-ended a guy,

and now I'm on a fake date to try to get out of it

so Grayson doesn't kill me. How do I flirt?

Bat your eyes, flip your hair, laugh at everything he says,

and rock that cleavage.

Thanks, bye.

All right...

Oh.

You didn't injure those during the crash, did you?

Oh, no, they're fine. I was just double checking.

You know.

Honk-honk. Ah-oogah!

They're good.

That's a relief. It's hard to find a replacement horn from the 1930s.

So, um, you don't live here in town?

No, I'm just here on my way through Miami.

My venture capital firm is investing in...

This is really boring. Tell me about you.

Well, I like wine.

OK.

Oh, and I also sell real estate.

And I like that you started with wine.

I like a nice Chianti.

And not just because that's

what Hannibal Lecter would drink when he ate people.

- Hannibal who? - Lecter.

From the movie Silence of the Lambs.

There are silent lambs?

Well, no, not really. They were more of a symbol.

So you own your own business? How did that happen?

Oh, OK, well, a few years ago I was in a bad mountain climbing accident.

Oh, no, don't worry, I didn't die or anything.

Oh.

But it was a really bad fall

and it made me realize that life is a gift,

and we have to make the most of every day.

So, I bought my own company, I made an ungodly amount of money,

and now I just spend my whole life just traveling and enjoying myself.

Falling off that mountain was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I fell off this really tall chair once.

And when I hit the floor,

I found my missing hairbrush right there under the couch.

Oh.

Your story's better.

Was it a good brush?

It was a great brush.

I'd call it a tie.

Holy Majors.

I've spent the last few hours

mapping out every story you've ever told.

Which has been great for business.

So, if you don't mind, I'd like to confirm a few details.

So, you were born, and conceived in a Jacuzzi.

- Yeah. - Your mom was a Whitesnake groupie,

and your dad was a politician who knocked her up

and then left to be with his own legitimate family.

- Yeah. - You've had five stepdads,

countless foster dads

and you have been medically dead four times.

Beach, rave, rodeo, Kid Rock show. That's four.

You've been molested...

by a dolphin...

Attacked by an animatronic bear,

ear ripped off by a falcon,

and Robin Williams slept with your niece.

Remember, her foot got caught in his arm hair.

They had to call the paramedics to get her out.

You go to a psychic whose hands were ripped off by a chimp,

and you have a friend with robot arms.

Aw! Amanda.

And another with robot legs.

Ugh. Nezzie.

Now that we're clear on the insane details,

I'm going to find the hole

that sinks this ship of lies.

Oh...

Someone's getting an epic spanking.

Ah!

I got this from my buddy Ron at the Pizza Palace.

Can you believe I couldn't find a snow shovel anywhere in town?

Yes. Because this is Florida.

Where it never snows.

Until now.

Help me out.

Ow! Fine.

Bobby,

you know I get excited when you get excited,

but the news report did say "10% chance."

Right.

For snow!

Yeah! Snow!

Sorry, I tried.

Did you? Dad, I feel like you're only hearing what you want to hear.

Look, I just don't want you to be disappointed when it doesn't snow.

Power of positive thinking, Trav.

When I believe something's going to happen, it does.

Wine me. My head is swimming

with Laurie Keller tales of smut and lies.

Oh, how did your date go?

Amazing. I laughed, I flipped my hair

and gave him an eyeful of Big Lefty and Shortstack.

He didn't know what hit him.

- What? - Oh, right, I didn't tell you.

You see, I hit this really expensive car

right after I found out that our car insurance had lapsed.

Lapsed?

It means expired, read a book sometime.

My ring fell off, and the driver of the car asked me for coffee

and then I got some flirting tips from Ellie,

and then he said forget the whole thing.

Please don't be mad.

That is... awesome!

So, I did good?

You did so good, I'm a little turned on right now.

Ooh, come here.

You don't have to stay and watch.

I know.

- Oh, OK. - Mmm.

How long has she been at this?

Hours. She's on her eighth cup of coffee and hasn't left to pee.

She can stare until she's dead,

'cause all my deets check out.

Belize.

Ho-ho.

You said that you went on a cruise to Belize,

and you broke up a fight between rival drug gangs

by turning your body into a human ice luge.

- And? - You've never been to Belize.

Yeah, I have. We went there right after...

OK, well...

You know, maybe it was Paraguay.

There it is. The hole in the ship.

And with that one lie, that calls everything into question.

Ruling?

Technically speaking, I have to agree.

Sorry, Laurie.

Well, here comes my dad.

Hope he's not too crushed it didn't snow last night.

What's up, guys?

You're OK!

I'm better than OK. I'm great!

So, you're not upset that it didn't snow?

The news said it was gonna snow today or tomorrow.

Which means it's definitely going to snow tomorrow.

A 10% chance has now been cut in half...

A hundred per cent chance!

All right, I'm going to go fill this up with whiskey

in case Dog Travis has to go make some rescues.

Or if he meets a cute bitch and wants to get funky.

Babe, why don't you grab us some coffee?

OK, you want a regular coffee or like a--

- Sounds great. - All right.

Hi!

Hey. I saw your picture on one of your bus bench ads

and I figured this is probably where you work.

I've been sitting here for four hours, you don't work very much, do you?

Which ad was it, did it have mustache graffiti or penis graffiti?

No, this one was a penis with a mustache on it.

- Oh, that's my favorite. - Mine too, oddly.

Hey, do you remember what I said about living life to the fullest

and making the most of every day?

Yeah.

Five, six, seven, eight!

♪ Ooga-chaka, ooga, ooga ♪

♪ Ooga-chaka, ooga, ooga ♪

♪ Ooga-chaka, ooga, ooga... ♪

I can't stop this feeling.

♪ I can't stop this feeling ♪

Deep inside of me.

♪ Deep inside of me ♪

Jules, I don't think you realize what you do to me.

♪ Girl, you just don't realize What you do to me ♪

♪ Ooga-chaka, ooga, ooga ♪

♪ When you hold me in your arms so tight ♪

♪ You let me know everything's all right ♪

♪ I'm hooked on a feeling ♪

♪ I'm high on believing ♪

♪ That you're in love with me ♪

You were supposed to catch... He was supposed to catch that.

Jules Cobb.

Yeah?

Will you marry me?

OK!

She said yes! We're getting married!

What did I miss?

Dude! Epic flash mob! Whoo!

Anybody else want some wine?

I think I'm good. The champagne was really flowing at your engagement.

I know. Sam thought of everything.

Dude, lighten up. OK?

Sorry I accidentally said yes to a wedding proposal.

The greatest proposal of all time

according to the entire Internet.

Sam is not just handsome and charming. He's crazy rich.

Oh, well, too bad you're crazy married.

Would you tell her how nuts this is?

I can't help you there. Just watching this makes me ovulate.

Just the sight of that ring incinerated my underwear. What?

Oh, good. You still have it on.

My hand felt naked and my real wedding ring got lost in the car.

Did you look for it?

Well, I'm going to.

All right, babe, you know I get swept up in exciting moments.

By the time I realized what I had done, I had 100 people in my face

and I was just too embarrassed to own up to it.

I'm gonna have dinner with Sam tonight

and I'm gonna tell him the truth.

I just could not humiliate him in front of a crowd.

Fine, tell him tonight.

And take that ring off in our house!

I was just about to!

I wasn't. This thing is gorgeous!

- You're so lucky. - It's so beautiful.

I have a lot to do before dinner.

You know, I haven't had a reason to shave my legs in weeks.

You see, this story sounds crazy,

but we have a video

that proves it's not a huge lie.

What, why are you so upset?

I might have gotten a country wrong, but I wasn't lying.

Ellie, I just hate that it's so important to you to destroy my credibility.

Poor thing.

You know, what she needs is a hug from Sam.

He gave me a hug, I popped a Woodrow.

- Are you prepping for golf cart jousting? - No.

But that is an awesome idea that we are totally going to try.

When we get the pizza scoop on the golf cart,

Bobby will be the only snow plower in town!

Cha-ching!

Why are you doing this?

OK, well, this is insane. So I'm gonna set things straight.

I can't watch you kill his dreams!

Dad, I hate to do this,

but I'd rather you accept it now than be crushed tomorrow.

You're not going to wake up to snow.

It's not cold enough.

Yeah, maybe you're right. I just wanted it so bad.

It's not even chilly.

Hey, thanks for the tough love, son.

Now I just gotta find a way to break it to Dog Travis.

Hey, pal.

You know how you were all excited and stuff to see the snow?

Do you have any idea how hard this is?

You know, this may sound strange for me to say,

but thanks for at least doing this here at my bar, where I can see it.

Oh, honey, I would be a crappy wife

if I didn't let my husband come to my engagement dinner.

I promise, as soon as I have some privacy with Sam, I'm gonna tell him.

There she is, the future Mrs. Johnston.

That's you I'm talking about. My last name is Johnston.

Oh, I like it.

Hey, should I go by JJ?

Nope!

Oh, my God. Absolutely not.

Oh, um, Sam, this is, um... Neighbor. Friend. Grayson.

Neighbor-friend Grayson. Nice to meet you.

I'm in really good shape.

OK. I'll try to spread the word.

- Sam, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.

Um, listen, I made a big mistake.

No, no, no, I made a big mistake

to ambush you in front of a hundred of my friends

and none of my family!

Mom, Dad, Grandma!

Get in here. This is Jules.

Oh, thank you.

How is it that no one has snatched her up?

It's almost impossible to believe.

Oh, good. Did you come to tell everyone

that this isn't my real hair color?

I think they already know.

Actually, um, I brought you a little something.

Missy! You freeloading bitch, you owe me 20 bucks!

Why don't you come and get it, you over-bleached skank.

I am going to rip off your face and I'm gonna shove it up your corn chute!

That'll be all, Missy.

Thank you.

Hey, Laurie. Did you dye your hair?

Bite me, little eyes.

OK, why did you bring her here?

To prove a point.

I spent five hours today looking for someone I wasn't even sure existed.

But I kept looking because I believe you.

It's tough for me to accept all the things you say,

but deep down, I know that you're an honest person.

Thank you, Ellie, that really means a lot to me.

Check it.

Team Sam. Who's with me?

Oh, this is a complete disaster.

I just didn't want to publicly humiliate him.

I know, but unless you want to go ahead and actually marry the guy...

That would get me off the hook.

Now listen. The only way out of this is to tell him.

I know, but I just hate to disappoint people.

And everyone here is going to hate me.

OK. I know I have to do it.

- Sam? - Yeah.

I have something to tell you.

Oh.

Everyone, my fiancée

has an announcement to make!

No, that's not what I meant.

OK, what the heck.

Um, all right, Sam, you are an amazing guy.

And you have an amazing family.

And that's why this is so difficult for me.

All right. Stop!

I can't stand to hear another second of this.

Jules...

I'm in love with you.

I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you,

and I've just been too scared to say it,

but now Sam, here, with his live-for-the-moment spirit,

has inspired me to do this.

Jules...

Don't marry him, marry me.

He's proposing without jugglers?

This is a total shock.

I had no idea you felt this way.

And I feel it, too. So, yes, I will marry you.

- Aw! - Boo. Wrong choice!

I'm so sorry, Sam.

It's just that I've been in love with Grayson for years,

and I just never realized it until this very moment.

I wish you'd realized it yesterday before I spent $200,000.

Two...

I mean, on the one hand, I admire what Grayson is doing.

And on the other hand... crap.

Oh, Sam, you're an incredible guy

and you're gonna find someone amazing who deserves you more than I do.

A few minutes ago, I had it all.

And now, I'm just a lonely billionaire.

Hi there. I'm Missy.

You know, I feel as though this could end in breakfast for the two of us,

if you're interested.

Remember when I said I was lonely before? Don't worry about it.

What the...

Snow!

You did this?

Well, somebody had to keep Bobby's dream alive.

See, Trav? I told you I'd wake up to snow!

Well, it didn't snow. This is...

Snow. You were right, Dad.

The power of positive thinking. Ow!

Eat powder, dude!

You're going to let her get away with that?

- Hell no! - No!

Lambs aren't silent, they go...

Grayson, Monica.