Original subtitles

I made it.

I could only get a flight to Denver, so I, uh...

Rented a car, drove 14 hours straight.

Peed in a cup, but I'm here!

- L.A.! - Tom came here?

Well, let me get a round for everyone.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Tommy!

Should we go see the real sign?

It's a mile that way.

But the cop said, in normal L.A. traffic, it's, like, three hours.

Maybe we should just go see the Labia Tar Pits.

What?

- Nothing. - Always say it like that.

Hey, can a girl get a dollar for a lipstick?

I don't think a dollar's gonna do it.

Here. Here's a 20. Oh...

- Thank you, sweetie. - Okay.

I have that dress.

This place makes me sad.

I found her! I found Tippi!

Hey. Why do all these stars have names on them?

Oh, my God! Is this a graveyard?

Are there a lot of actors buried underneath the sidewalk?

Oh! They're everywhere.

Honey, this is the Walk of Fame.

Wow! Tippi Hedren.

She was my dream girl.

We were thinking of heading over to the "Labia Tar Pits."

And, if you like,

we can have Jules ask someone for directions.

I'd like to see that.

Looks like somebody's having fun.

Yeah. Robot man!

I wonder if he paints his junk, too.

No, these guys don't, but Blue Man Group does.

- Oh. - Don't ask. All right, let's go.

- You're hot. - She's with me, Tin Man.

Ah, still haven't kissed and now I gotta battle a robot for your affection.

Which, by the way, has been a long-time fantasy of mine.

Wrote a graphic novel about it.

I know you're dying to tell me the name, but please don't.

Look, don't sweat the "first kiss" thing.

I slipped the front desk a 20 so we could have adjoining rooms.

What, what.

The Misadventures of Tommy Saturn.

Oh, shut up.

Alone at last.

No, I'm still mad.

La Brea Tar Pits is very close to what I was saying.

I'm gonna make it up to you.

Get off my daughter.

Oh, good, your dad's here.

- I gave him a key. - Awesome.

Hollywood didn't turn out to be quite what I thought.

Grayson actually lived here when he was trying to be an actor.

Yeah? What was it like being a handsome young buck in Tinseltown?

- Mmm-mmm. - No. He's not gonna talk about it.

But we're pretty sure he did stuff for money.

This city takes things from you that you can never get back.

I always had this fantasy that I'd come to L.A.,

I'd be sitting in a bar,

listening to some great band play a romantic song, drinking champagne.

Then Tippi Hedren walks in.

And damn if she doesn't come right over and say,

"You got an extra glass for me?"

So I say,

"For you? Always."

And then we end up dancing the night away.

Pretty silly, huh?

No, Dad. I love it.

Oh, yeah.

It's showtime, girls.

Hey, Tommy Saturn.

I have exciting news...

Hey. Riggs didn't come, so I didn't bother to get my own room.

Holy banjo! Check out Boob Mountain. Are those for my boy?

Well, this could not be any worse.

Give it a sec.

Holy moly! Check out Boob Mountain!

- Hey, boo. - Mmm?

Will you go get me some painkillers from the concierge?

- Why? What's wrong? - Nothing.

We're on vacation. And I need wine, too.

Ah, no problem, baby. We're in L.A. My people run this city.

I'll just use the Latino connection.

That is so not a thing.

It's a thing.

Javier! Qué pasa, brother?

My wife needs a prescription for something.

- Can you help me out? - I cannot, sir.

Huh?

The Latino connection?

It's not a thing.

Oh, come on!

- What? - Can't help you.

Sweetie, to be fair, you don't really read Latino.

Come on! All right, guys, if y'all didn't know me,

and you saw me walking down the street,

what would you think I was?

- A Super Mario brother. - Lands' End model.

- A bisexual bowler. - A bald guy.

No! Latino!

- No. - No.

Well, that's a dumb game.

Anyway, now that we're all here,

I want to talk about what we're gonna do today.

Well, we're not swimming in the ocean.

Unless you like ice-cold water that smells like a porta-potty.

Well, water in the Bahamas was like a bathtub.

I was just there.

- Shut up, Tom. - Pipe it, dude!

I'm tired of you!

Maybe we could all go get new headshots done

and drop 'em off at a talent agency.

As a goof, I mean.

My dad was really sad last night,

so I was thinking we would go find Tippi Hedren for him.

- Aw, it's so sweet. - Sounds good. It's a good idea.

No, I'm sorry. I meant right now.

- Yes! - Tippi time!

- Yeah. - Here we come.

Why did that waiter give me a weird look?

Perhaps because he's gay, and you ordered an LGBT sandwich.

Yeah, "Lettuce, guacamole, bacon, tomato."

I think it's the state sandwich.

They have signs for it all over West Hollywood.

Ahem. All right, Grayson and Laurie checked with all the talent agencies

and no one would tell them how to find Tippi Hedren or Christina Aguilera.

Laurie has a score to settle with her

over a bitch-slapping incident that happened at Mouseketeer try-outs.

Trav and Laurie,

you hang with my dad. Make sure he doesn't get down in the dumps.

I'm gonna go find Grayson and we're gonna look for Tippi.

On it, J-bird, and I have a genius idea on how to find this actress.

Welcome to Hollywood Star Tours.

You're an idiot.

Please. Don't even pretend you see me as a Latino man.

Let's face it, Bobby, you've never once prejudged me based on my ethnicity.

My bad. I'll try harder.

Our tour of the stars' homes will begin in a second.

But, right now, our bus is blocked

by that nice meth head hassling German tourists for money.

Leave 'em alone, Carol. Nein!

This whole bus is a freak show.

- Look at this. - Here.

- Are you the lady from... - No, that's my sister. Bababooey.

How come I don't feel like more of a third wheel?

I heard you two kids are trying to give it a go.

It's just really hard to go from being regular friends to being...

Friends.

Look, if it's meant to be, fate'll step in and make it happen.

A psychic once told my foster dad that she'd tell him his fate

if he gave her his credit card info. We had to move into our station wagon.

Yeah. I don't think I really believe in fate either.

Trust me, fate is real.

I met your grandmother 50 years ago on a train.

We talked for hours till I fell asleep.

When I woke up, she was gone. I didn't even know her name.

One year later, I'm in a diner in the middle of nowhere,

when she came in to get out of the rain.

I'll never forget the way she looked at me.

That was it.

That was fate.

Good God, I can land a moment.

My great aunt said that Tippi's doing a Channing Tatum movie on stage six.

Oh, was your great aunt in the business or something?

Uh, no, she's a stalker.

- Ooh, cool. - Yeah.

We had Wesley Snipes over for Thanksgiving once.

I don't think he wanted to be there.

I can't believe I'm finally on a movie lot.

You know, I was an amazing actor.

Really had something, but no one would give me a chance.

Okay, this is who we're looking for.

Probably won't have the bird. All right, let's do this!

May I help you?

I'm here for my thing.

Are you the breast double for the servant girl?

- Sure, why not? - Okay.

Uh, sorry, guys.

Uh...

Well, Tippi wasn't there,

but my naked breasts just did a scene with Sir Ben Kingsley.

When is it gonna be my time?

This town's a bitch, bro.

And if you look to your left,

you'll see the house where O.J. Simpson may have killed his wife.

- Oh, come on. He did it, he did it. - Yeah. 100%.

The man was tried by a jury of his peers.

Good point. Good point.

And for all you Hitchcock fans, here we are at Tippi Hedren's house.

- Suck it, Ellie! - Stop it.

Hedren lived here from 1971 until the fall of 1971.

Un-suck it, Ellie!

What the hell? We need to know where she lives now!

Somebody get this little Greek guy out of my face.

- I'm not a Greek. - No, no, no, no, come on!

I'm not a Greek! I'm a Latino.

You don't really think he's innocent, do you?

- Ooh! - Ooh.

- Is it weird to thank you for liking me? - Yes.

Well...

- Coming through! - Whoa!

Ridiculous! Every time we try to kiss, something happens.

I know. It should be easier, right?

Do you ever think that...

Maybe if fate can bring two people together...

Fate could also tell two people they're better as friends?

I mean, it's crossed my mind, yeah, but...

Do you think that's us?

No. I don't.

- Oh, my God! - Whoa!

Water!

Stop, drop, and roll!

Stop it!

It sucks that we didn't find Tippi.

I know what might cheer you up.

Is it you, naked, flopping around on top of me?

No. We can do sideways.

Oh, good. She has a key, too.

Everybody has keys. That's your life now.

Sweetie... We tried, okay?

We can do something else with your dad.

We could go explore L.A.'s fascinating culture.

Do you think I want to spend my vacation

in this smog hole, looking for some actress?

If it was up to me, we'd be on the beach with a fire and drinking wine.

Oh, my God, I could use some wine.

Are you all right, sweetie?

No. This is all so hard.

But I have to pretend that I'm fine because that's what Dad wants.

You know, this morning he made some joke

about how he's already forgetting things.

I think it was just an excuse to go downstairs

and get coffee without his pants on.

You know, I laughed.

- It's funny. - I don't want to laugh.

I want to hug him.

And I want to cry.

And I want to tell him I love him,

and I want to make Tippi Hedren dance with him!

I just want to give him a memory that is so great

that he will never forget it.

You know what the problem is with drinking when you're really sad?

- No. - Me neither. Let's order another bottle.

All right, you need to slap your ass out of it,

because we can find Tippi Hedren.

We're all in! The cul-de-sac crew does not give up.

Except for that time we tried to get through a DVD of The Wire.

I mean, who the hell puts 80 characters on a show?

I don't want to have to take notes when I'm watching TV, damn it.

He gets really angry about The Wire.

Morally ambiguous, my butt!

Okay, enough, all right? Here's the plan.

All right, Chick wants a romantic song. Trav and Tom, go find a band...

Why wouldn't Laurie go with Trav?

They broke up. Something about fate.

We can fix that.

Right now we are not talking about Trav and Laurie.

Who the hell cares about Baltimore?

Yeah, or The Wire, okay?

Right now we are just focusing on Chick and Tippi.

I think I ordered that at an Indian restaurant.

"Chick-and-Tippi."

Okay, well, how are we supposed to find Tippi Hedren?

There is one man

who said he could find anything in the City of Angels...

Sir, may I help you?

Nope.

I couldn't do it. He's not gonna help me anyway.

I don't blame him.

I'm first-generation Cuban, and I don't speak Spanish.

How is that possible? I can't even roll my R's. Listen.

I haven't even told Stan anything about where I'm from.

Stan the bartender?

We have a son named Stan.

Oh, sure, sure.

Look, when you get home, if you want to embrace your heritage,

I totally get it.

I mean, it's really why I have to go home for the summer to the Hamptons,

so I can embrace my wealthy, white upbringing. It grounds me.

Right now I need you to remember that little Cuban boy

whose mom sent him to school

with a whole fried fish and a cigar for dessert.

Now, go make that damn concierge cough up the info.

- I believe in you, boo. - Okay.

Javier! I need to find Tippi Hedren, and you're gonna help me.

You want to know why?

Because when Andy Torres has to come through for a friend,

nothing stops him.

Especially not a smarmy little errand boy like you.

You have the fire. I will help.

I will use the Latino connection.

I knew that was a thing.

It is a thing. It's a thing.

I know Tippi.

And you're 10 minutes late to cut my grass.

Tenemos Tippi.

It means, "We have her!"

She's got a guard?

How are we gonna get past him?

- I know. I can solve this with my acting. - Oh, good God!

Tip of the tongue, top of the teeth.

Tip of the tongue, top of the teeth.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Okay, look.

I can be, like, um, an Italian guy from Brooklyn,

and I'm here to check the gas metre.

Oh! How you doin'?

Come on! What am I, a jerk?

I'm here to check the gas metre. I'm Joe Braesole. Like, come on!

Oh!

You're horrible.

You talkin' to me?

Pizza brain. Oh! Come on.

And who are you to judge?

Listen. When the guy chases me, you guys go to the door.

Hey! I'm stealing.

Tabby Hedren. That's adorable!

Hey, you! Stop!

Come on, bada-bing.

Hey, broads. Oh! Come on.

Oh, crap. Where am I? Jules!

Hey. Need a ride?

Oh, man!

Dad? You know I love you, right?

Well, of course I do, Junebug.

I wanted this to be the best trip of your life.

I'm sorry if it didn't turn out that way.

Oh, don't be crazy.

You know I'm happy to be anywhere with you.

Let's drink to that.

No. This isn't for me.

Is there an extra glass for me?

If you aren't going to talk, this isn't going to work.

Now, I know there's a smooth guy in there.

Let him out.

For you, darlin'? Always.

Where's Travis and that damn band?

I mean, maybe Laurie and I are better as just friends.

I don't know, okay, but still, fate or no fate,

I can't stop feeling like we... We belong together. You know?

Hey, don't freak out,

but I'm pretty sure that's Bud from Married with Children.

My fault for sharing.

Look, we still need to find a band for Grandpa, so...

What about this guy?

Uh, we're looking for something a little romantic.

All right, man, I can do romantic.

With or without the kazoo?

Smart ass.

Whoa.

Uh, thanks for the ride, but no.

I actually don't think silver would look very good on me.

Ugh. And besides, dude, I am, like, totally crazy about this guy.

Who?

Him.

- How did you get here? - What are you doing here?

I thought you were with my mom and Grayson.

I was, but then I got lost in the Hills...

Actually, it's kind of pretty out here at night.

It's beautiful.

Travis...

It was Bud! It was definitely Bud! I talked to him!

Sorry.

We did it.

Hey, I have something for you. Come on.

He'll be fine. It's time for your vacation.

To commemorate the best worst trip ever,

we present to you, the flower vase,

permanently borrowed from the hotel lobby.

Ooh!

We named her Big Tippi.

Yay!

Mmm.

L.A. might suck, but you guys are the best.

Aww.

- Cheers! - Cheers!

Action.

Hello, all Hollywood talent agencies.

My name is Grayson Ellis and I am currently unrepresented,

with extensive theatrical training.

Special skills include horseback riding,

tap dancing, rollerblading, hacky sack, jewellery-makin and breaking hearts.

Just kidding. I also play music.

Oh!

Where'd the guitar go?

Just a bit of my comedy chops.

Oh, you say you want drama? Get the tissues.

Where did the guitar go?

Why? Why, God? My...

Act much? Yeah, I do.

And I'm just gettin' started.

Call me.

- What the hell are you doing? - Nothing. It's just a joke.