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1
00:00:02,583 --> 00:00:05,667
How great is it that we finally
have a TV in the bedroom?
2
00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:07,792
What's the opposite of great?
3
00:00:10,792 --> 00:00:13,667
You were right. He smells good.
4
00:00:14,041 --> 00:00:15,500
Step off.
5
00:00:15,709 --> 00:00:19,667
So, what'd you guys think of the
1985 classic, The Breakfast Club?
6
00:00:19,875 --> 00:00:21,542
Classic?
7
00:00:21,667 --> 00:00:22,834
No one switched bodies,
8
00:00:23,542 --> 00:00:26,917
and why does every movie and TV show
need so much voice-over?
9
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,166
I mean, I hate thinking.
10
00:00:28,250 --> 00:00:30,667
Why would I wanna listen
to someone else do it?
11
00:00:30,750 --> 00:00:33,083
Voice-overs are a great
storytelling device.
12
00:00:33,208 --> 00:00:34,959
You can get out exposition fast,
13
00:00:35,041 --> 00:00:37,000
plus you get to see
inside a character's head.
14
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,709
That's so stupid.
15
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,250
Is this my life now?
16
00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:43,625
Hanging out with the gang,
17
00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:45,417
having a son who's gone off to college
18
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:48,709
but for some reason spends most of
his time with me and other adults?
19
00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:51,834
Still, I feel like
there's a new experience for me
20
00:00:51,917 --> 00:00:53,250
just around the corner.
21
00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:55,792
I wonder what's gonna happen
this week.
22
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:09,542
You guys, I can do the thing
Molly Ringwald does
23
00:01:09,625 --> 00:01:11,959
with the lipstick and her cleavage
when I'm wearing a low-cut top.
24
00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:13,333
Wait. Who's this?
25
00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:15,375
{\an8}Okay, they're all talking about
The Breakfast Club.
26
00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,208
{\an8}Get in there,
but make it sound smart. And go.
27
00:01:18,291 --> 00:01:19,333
{\an8}I thought it sucked.
28
00:01:19,417 --> 00:01:20,500
{\an8}Nailed it!
29
00:01:20,625 --> 00:01:22,417
{\an8}- What?
- Have you lost your mind?
30
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,333
{\an8}He gave us the Brat Pack, Jules.
31
00:01:25,542 --> 00:01:27,291
{\an8}It was so dramatic.
32
00:01:27,375 --> 00:01:29,959
{\an8}When you're a kid,
your problems aren't that important.
33
00:01:30,083 --> 00:01:33,709
{\an8}I don't know.
I feel pretty lucky to be alive.
34
00:01:33,792 --> 00:01:35,834
{\an8}So many close calls
when I was younger.
35
00:01:36,250 --> 00:01:39,917
{\an8}I didn't know what it was called
at the time, but when I was 14,
36
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,041
{\an8}I got water-boarded.
37
00:01:41,208 --> 00:01:43,291
{\an8}- Obviously, I've been arrested a bunch.
- What's that.
38
00:01:43,375 --> 00:01:46,458
{\an8}Once for impersonating a cop,
once for assaulting a cop,
39
00:01:46,542 --> 00:01:47,834
{\an8}once for trying to have sex with a cop,
40
00:01:47,917 --> 00:01:50,041
{\an8}which ironically is called a 10-69.
41
00:01:51,625 --> 00:01:52,667
{\an8}It's not that funny.
42
00:01:52,875 --> 00:01:56,709
{\an8}Honey, I don't think any of us here
have had such a criminal past.
43
00:01:57,125 --> 00:02:01,417
{\an8}Uh, what I'm about to say
deserves historical preservation.
44
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,375
{\an8}It is Tuesday, April 2nd.
45
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:08,000
{\an8} "I agree with Jelly."
46
00:02:10,083 --> 00:02:13,208
{\an8}When I was a kid,
I got in lots of trouble with the law.
47
00:02:13,417 --> 00:02:15,041
{\an8}I got busted being a male escort.
48
00:02:16,417 --> 00:02:18,792
{\an8}No sex, just over-the-clothes stuff.
You know.
49
00:02:19,083 --> 00:02:20,333
{\an8}I shot someone.
50
00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,750
{\an8}I wish I had a funny follow-up,
but I don't. He didn't die, though.
51
00:02:24,834 --> 00:02:26,959
I hate being the odd man out.
Say something.
52
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:30,250
I don't always wear my seatbelt.
But, whatever, I don't care.
53
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,333
Yes, you do, you liar.
54
00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:34,291
Um...
55
00:02:35,083 --> 00:02:39,750
Burn in hell, you sad, desperate skank.
56
00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:41,208
Texting your mom?
57
00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:43,750
{\an8}Yeah, but I'm also gonna
cut and paste it
58
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:47,333
{\an8}to whoever wrote this nasty
Yelp review about Krazy Kakes.
59
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,542
{\an8}Yelp, huh? What do they say on there
about Gray's Pub?
60
00:02:49,792 --> 00:02:51,834
{\an8}No. If the Internet has
taught me one thing,
61
00:02:51,917 --> 00:02:53,291
{\an8}it's that you don't read
your own reviews.
62
00:02:53,709 --> 00:02:56,875
{\an8}Also, don't google your name
with the safe search off.
63
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:59,375
{\an8}I once got drunk and gave
this interview to Vibemagazine
64
00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:02,041
{\an8}about how Dr. Dre was
the black Phil Collins.
65
00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:04,625
{\an8}Not everything that I said made sense.
66
00:03:04,709 --> 00:03:06,583
{\an8}Also, I was topless.
67
00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:08,375
I ain't scared.
68
00:03:08,917 --> 00:03:11,792
Okay, first review. "Princess Bridezilla."
69
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,291
Ah! She is the worst.
70
00:03:14,583 --> 00:03:18,667
"Gray's Pub.
Good food, great drinks." Score.
71
00:03:18,750 --> 00:03:21,667
"Too bad the bartender
is an obnoxious dick."
72
00:03:21,959 --> 00:03:23,625
Are you okay?
73
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,792
Please! Like I care about
what some Internet jackass thinks.
74
00:03:29,917 --> 00:03:33,959
The whole world hates me.
It's 'cause I'm so fat and gross.
75
00:03:35,750 --> 00:03:36,875
I've been thinking.
76
00:03:36,959 --> 00:03:40,125
I grew up on a farm
and before I knew it, I had Travis.
77
00:03:40,208 --> 00:03:42,542
So, you know,
if my life didn't get in the way,
78
00:03:42,667 --> 00:03:44,417
I could've been a badass like you guys.
79
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:45,583
- Oh.
- Hmm.
80
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:48,625
I love her for letting that
"badass" comment slide.
81
00:03:49,208 --> 00:03:52,917
I bet she thinks I'm gonna let
that "badass" comment slide.
82
00:03:53,125 --> 00:03:54,375
You're not a badass.
83
00:03:54,458 --> 00:03:55,792
If we knew each other when we were 16
84
00:03:55,875 --> 00:03:57,750
and I asked you to drive the getaway car
85
00:03:57,834 --> 00:04:00,667
while I stole a case of vodka,
which happened,
86
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:01,875
what would you have said?
87
00:04:02,083 --> 00:04:05,500
At 16? I would've said,
"I'm not gonna drink my dreams away."
88
00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:08,750
- Because you're a goody two-shoes.
- I'm not a goody two-shoes.
89
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,709
Oh, please. I bet you cannot
even make a crank call.
90
00:04:13,125 --> 00:04:14,291
Watch this.
91
00:04:15,125 --> 00:04:18,417
Hello. Uh, is your refrigerator running?
92
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,417
What? Oh, they turned your power off.
93
00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:24,959
I know, the economy is
really tough on everyone.
94
00:04:25,375 --> 00:04:27,375
My work here is done.
95
00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:34,667
As usual, nothing too interesting
happening over here in The Sea Story.
96
00:04:34,834 --> 00:04:36,333
- Never is.
- This is true.
97
00:04:36,583 --> 00:04:37,917
God, I'm starving.
98
00:04:38,083 --> 00:04:40,333
Oh, well, that explains why I'm famished.
99
00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:43,875
Oh, with people I'm close to,
I'm an empath.
100
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:47,500
Just nod. Someone will explain
what "empath" means.
101
00:04:47,792 --> 00:04:51,750
I feel what everyone else is feeling.
Bobby gets hungry, I get hungry.
102
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,583
That's what an empath is, Trav.
103
00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:55,667
Someone who gets hungry
when you get hungry.
104
00:04:55,792 --> 00:04:56,875
Close.
105
00:04:56,959 --> 00:05:00,125
Hey, Trav. I saw you from the beach.
106
00:05:00,208 --> 00:05:01,417
Wanna go grab some fro-yo?
107
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:04,625
No, I don't think I'm up for it.
108
00:05:05,792 --> 00:05:08,125
Okay. Bye.
109
00:05:08,792 --> 00:05:10,417
Why was she so bummed out?
110
00:05:10,625 --> 00:05:13,792
She wanted to hook up.
"Fro-yo" means casual sex.
111
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:15,542
Oh, makes sense,
112
00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:18,583
because Riggs asked for
Greek yogurt the other day,
113
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:20,375
and then she put her thumb in my butt.
114
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:23,000
I do not like Greek yogurt.
115
00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:27,166
You know, I think I'm just tired of
running around with random girls.
116
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:28,667
I mean, it was fun for a few months,
117
00:05:28,792 --> 00:05:32,667
but eventually sport-humping randos
starts to feel a little empty.
118
00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:35,208
Oh, that settles it.
He is not my son.
119
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,917
Good for you, buddy. Respect.
120
00:05:40,917 --> 00:05:45,834
God, I am bored.
Maybe I should ruin Grayson's day.
121
00:05:45,917 --> 00:05:48,125
Oof. This comment says,
122
00:05:48,208 --> 00:05:52,333
"The d-bag bartender is so vain,
he probably works out behind the bar."
123
00:05:56,542 --> 00:05:59,083
How do you do that
and keep your upper body so still?
124
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:00,417
It's all about core strength.
125
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,000
- No.
- Okay.
126
00:06:03,083 --> 00:06:05,417
See? You're obviously a giant bitch,
127
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:08,083
but I'm getting bashed and
I don't say anything mean to anyone.
128
00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:11,208
You don't have to say anything.
The contempt is all over your face.
129
00:06:11,542 --> 00:06:14,166
With you, it's all about "The Look."
130
00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:15,458
Oh, God! The Look!
131
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:18,375
It's like staring into
two tiny pools of judgement.
132
00:06:18,542 --> 00:06:19,667
Exactly!
133
00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,458
Ellie and I are a team.
134
00:06:21,542 --> 00:06:23,917
The sexual tension has
never been stronger.
135
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:27,583
You can try to hide it, but face it,
you are a hater.
136
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:30,750
And every single person in this bar
knows exactly what you're thinking.
137
00:06:30,917 --> 00:06:32,000
That's absurd.
138
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:34,792
- Hey. Can I get a beer?
- Sure thing, Jerry.
139
00:06:35,208 --> 00:06:36,417
Nice tank top.
140
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,417
You might want to bring
your chest along next time.
141
00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:41,125
You know what? Forget it.
142
00:06:42,417 --> 00:06:44,083
- That was it.
- It's The Look.
143
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,083
Okay, great.
144
00:06:48,166 --> 00:06:49,500
Yeah, I'll leave the key in the mailbox,
145
00:06:49,625 --> 00:06:51,583
and you and your family
can come shower.
146
00:06:51,667 --> 00:06:52,709
Bye.
147
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:56,458
Damn it! Ellie is right.
I don't know how to get in trouble.
148
00:06:56,542 --> 00:06:57,959
Don't bum out, Jules.
149
00:06:58,041 --> 00:07:00,750
Not everyone is blessed
with our God-given lack of judgement.
150
00:07:01,875 --> 00:07:05,333
Look, if you wanna stir up some trouble,
we can help.
151
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:08,250
Well, I'm 43. What the hell
kind of trouble can I get into?
152
00:07:08,458 --> 00:07:11,000
My hospital has all the ingredients
you'd need to cook
153
00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:14,041
some grade-A crystal meth. Just FYI.
154
00:07:14,208 --> 00:07:16,000
I'm not gonna steal drugs, Tom.
155
00:07:16,291 --> 00:07:18,917
But you could steal something small.
156
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,625
I'll come with. I need a new hair dryer.
157
00:07:20,959 --> 00:07:23,583
If we go to a grocery store, I'm in.
I'm starved.
158
00:07:24,208 --> 00:07:25,792
- Let's do this!
- Yeah!
159
00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:30,250
- Hey. Where are you guys going?
- We're going to rob a grocery store!
160
00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:31,458
Whoo-hoo!
161
00:07:31,542 --> 00:07:32,750
Have fun! Hmm.
162
00:07:35,709 --> 00:07:38,208
Okay, I'm about to break the law.
Act natural.
163
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:42,542
Cool store. I can't wait to get
all the stuff I need and pay for it.
164
00:07:42,875 --> 00:07:45,250
- Are you okay?
- I have to pee again.
165
00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:48,583
- Is that a camera?
- Pretty sure it's a sprinkler head.
166
00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:51,875
J-Bird, I'd love to stay and watch
you pull your first Schneider, but...
167
00:07:51,959 --> 00:07:53,000
What's that?
168
00:07:53,083 --> 00:07:55,500
- It's a buddy of mine who steals a lot.
- Oh.
169
00:07:55,583 --> 00:07:57,583
But I can't do anything
until I eat something.
170
00:07:59,458 --> 00:08:02,750
Oh, crap. That's the store manager.
He looks pretty sharp.
171
00:08:04,291 --> 00:08:05,834
Hey, champ.
172
00:08:05,917 --> 00:08:10,291
Someone just dropped a whole carton
of eggs in the dairy section.
173
00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:15,792
- Go clean it up!
- All right. Jeez.
174
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,834
Here you go, beautiful.
175
00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:25,667
People think I'm a dick? Fine.
I'll just fake it and act nice.
176
00:08:25,959 --> 00:08:28,875
Here's the flaw in your plan. Watch this.
177
00:08:29,083 --> 00:08:32,583
Tom, I am so happy
that you're part of our gang now.
178
00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:34,667
- Wow. Really?
- No.
179
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,625
See, I have the ability to say things
I don't mean. You don't.
180
00:08:38,792 --> 00:08:41,542
- That's not something to be proud of.
- Sure it is.
181
00:08:41,625 --> 00:08:43,166
Tom, didn't you feel good when
I said that?
182
00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:44,458
It was amazing.
183
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:47,000
Uh, for a moment there,
I felt like my wife was alive again.
184
00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:48,291
You're welcome.
185
00:08:48,375 --> 00:08:51,000
Now, you say something nice
to Dr Bullethead.
186
00:08:51,417 --> 00:08:53,792
Tom, you are...
187
00:08:55,166 --> 00:08:56,875
Come on, man. Let it out!
188
00:08:58,458 --> 00:08:59,542
I got nothing.
189
00:09:04,792 --> 00:09:08,458
Man, I need someone
to talk to. What about Andy?
190
00:09:08,583 --> 00:09:11,166
Nah, he probably
doesn't want to be bothered.
191
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,083
I see you looking.
192
00:09:13,458 --> 00:09:15,875
Please come over and talk to me.
Please? Please?
193
00:09:16,709 --> 00:09:17,834
Andy, you got a sec?
194
00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:21,750
Oh. Well, not really, Trav,
but I'll make one for you.
195
00:09:21,959 --> 00:09:24,125
Remember that girl at the boat?
196
00:09:24,208 --> 00:09:26,291
Well, I ran into her at a barbecue,
197
00:09:26,375 --> 00:09:29,458
and I was feeling lonely
so I took her home.
198
00:09:29,792 --> 00:09:31,291
Aw, yeah!
199
00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:35,834
But when things started to heat up,
I couldn't...
200
00:09:35,917 --> 00:09:37,083
Uh...
201
00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:39,709
You know,
my, my guy, he wouldn't...
202
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,709
I couldn't get it up.
203
00:09:41,959 --> 00:09:43,125
Ha-ha!
204
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,208
I'm sorry, kiddo. That's tough.
205
00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:48,542
My dad would say it's no biggie,
and tell me to tape chopsticks to it.
206
00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:49,792
Look, it's no big deal.
207
00:09:49,875 --> 00:09:50,959
Huge deal.
208
00:09:52,333 --> 00:09:53,375
Gonna be okay.
209
00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:56,041
Really?
No.
210
00:09:58,041 --> 00:10:00,041
Relax,
you can steal something.
211
00:10:00,125 --> 00:10:03,000
Lord knows you've stolen
plenty of hearts.
212
00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:05,583
Good one.
I should tell Laurie.
213
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:08,417
This should be easy.
I've stolen plenty of hearts.
214
00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:10,917
Wow.
Pretend you didn't hear that.
215
00:10:11,291 --> 00:10:12,917
Look, I know you're nervous,
216
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,959
but stealing is all instinct.
217
00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:17,709
Like breathing, or having sex on a bike.
218
00:10:18,291 --> 00:10:21,667
Okay, say I want to steal this lip balm.
219
00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:25,917
I casually grab it, I check it out.
But no, I've changed my mind.
220
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,208
I'm gonna put it back. Or did I?
221
00:10:28,291 --> 00:10:30,583
So all shoplifters
are magicians?
222
00:10:32,166 --> 00:10:35,792
Okay, well, I can't be discreet.
You know, I'm loud, I like attention.
223
00:10:35,875 --> 00:10:39,083
Look at the cleavage I'm rocking.
I could put a Frisbee in there.
224
00:10:39,166 --> 00:10:41,875
So shove a Frisbee in there
and let's get going.
225
00:10:43,041 --> 00:10:44,208
I get why you're nervous.
226
00:10:44,417 --> 00:10:46,709
I've never had the stones
to Schneider anything.
227
00:10:47,542 --> 00:10:49,083
You're stealing food right now.
228
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:52,834
That is not true. I will not leave the
store with any of this.
229
00:10:53,291 --> 00:10:56,375
That's air-tight
Bobby Cobb logic right there.
230
00:10:58,166 --> 00:10:59,625
Hey, you're out of limes.
231
00:11:00,792 --> 00:11:02,667
- Whoa. Yikes!
- What the hell is that?
232
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,083
From now on, my customers,
233
00:11:04,166 --> 00:11:06,792
I'm gonna have a good-natured smile
on my face. What do you think?
234
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,041
"Hi. May I wear your skin suit?"
235
00:11:10,333 --> 00:11:11,500
Maybe you'll seem less creepy
236
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:14,333
if you think of something
that actually makes you happy.
237
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:17,041
Remember when
you were a model?
238
00:11:17,125 --> 00:11:19,750
Good times.
I'm still pretty hot.
239
00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:22,125
Damn it, I'm proud of my body.
240
00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:25,834
I'm proud of my butt. Feel your butt.
241
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:29,625
It's your property. It's not weird.
242
00:11:30,083 --> 00:11:31,959
I don't know what you're thinking,
243
00:11:32,041 --> 00:11:35,458
but it's like watching a gay porn
with just one dude in it.
244
00:11:37,250 --> 00:11:40,750
Ah, there's the hate-filled look
we've all grown to love.
245
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,959
I've gotta go.
I owe Andy an afternoon quickie.
246
00:11:44,041 --> 00:11:45,333
He told my cousin I died
247
00:11:45,417 --> 00:11:47,250
so I wouldn't have to go
to the baby shower.
248
00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,667
That's sweet.
249
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,375
I don't get it. Why isn't it working?
250
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:56,834
Quick, what was that BS
you told Trav?
251
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,500
This happens to every guy.
It's no big deal.
252
00:11:59,583 --> 00:12:00,750
Huge deal!
253
00:12:01,417 --> 00:12:03,792
Don't be upset, boo.
254
00:12:03,875 --> 00:12:08,083
Don't get me wrong, this still counts
'cause I'm ready and able.
255
00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:11,208
But if you can't do it, that's on you.
256
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,583
Come on!
257
00:12:15,458 --> 00:12:16,917
Seriously. Come on!
258
00:12:18,959 --> 00:12:21,542
- I have sympotence!
- What?
259
00:12:21,792 --> 00:12:22,959
Sympotence!
260
00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:25,083
You couldn't get it up,
and I'm an empath.
261
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:27,291
Sympathy impotence. Sympotence!
262
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,792
I didn't know you had people over.
263
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,500
All right, I'm going for the lip balm.
264
00:12:34,625 --> 00:12:37,208
I'm going to casually walk over there
and take it.
265
00:12:37,291 --> 00:12:39,041
Then I'm gonna Tom-Cruise-sprint
the hell out of here.
266
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:40,208
No, honey.
267
00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:44,458
I want you to act like you did
when Travis was born.
268
00:12:44,542 --> 00:12:46,792
Remember? You told me
that he had a little cough
269
00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:48,792
and they wouldn't let you
see him right away.
270
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,166
Right.
271
00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:53,750
So you want me to be
quiet and stealthy.
272
00:12:53,875 --> 00:12:56,959
No one will know I'm taking my baby.
273
00:12:57,041 --> 00:12:59,083
Okay, this is a go.
274
00:13:01,291 --> 00:13:02,625
Can't do it.
275
00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:06,333
I was so close!
276
00:13:06,417 --> 00:13:08,875
My heart was beating so fast,
I just panicked.
277
00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:10,583
I have to pee again. Worse than ever.
278
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,834
Excuse me. Can I look in your purse?
279
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,041
Of course you can.
280
00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:15,750
I tried to steal something,
but I couldn't.
281
00:13:15,875 --> 00:13:18,542
I'm gonna try again later.
Not here. Maybe.
282
00:13:20,417 --> 00:13:22,375
Oh. No, no, that's, that's not mine.
283
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:24,750
I told you I needed a new hair dryer.
284
00:13:25,208 --> 00:13:26,750
Right this way, ladies.
285
00:13:32,208 --> 00:13:34,959
Grocery store jail? Seriously?
286
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:38,083
And that's when I knew
my life would never be the same.
287
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,834
How can you be so calm?
They're calling the cops.
288
00:13:44,917 --> 00:13:46,583
They're gonna take us downtown!
289
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,208
You know, I can't ride in the backseat.
290
00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:49,417
I get carsick.
291
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:53,542
Insane, desperate thought
coming in three, two, one...
292
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,500
How far are you willing to go,
sexually, to get us out of here?
293
00:13:56,583 --> 00:13:58,417
I say third base is where I draw the line.
294
00:13:58,667 --> 00:14:00,166
High school third base,
295
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,458
or naked-backstage-at-Coachella
third base?
296
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:03,917
Well, they both sound horrible.
297
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,875
PS, Mumford is a very classy guy.
298
00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:09,041
The Sons, not so much.
299
00:14:10,625 --> 00:14:12,959
Come on, Richard! I'm still digesting!
300
00:14:13,041 --> 00:14:15,250
I mean, technically,
everything's still in the store!
301
00:14:16,542 --> 00:14:18,041
What's she doing?
302
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,667
If you don't want to be
someone's bitch,
303
00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:22,166
you got to get ripped.
304
00:14:23,083 --> 00:14:25,417
Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
305
00:14:26,625 --> 00:14:29,417
Look, not all bartenders are well-liked.
306
00:14:29,625 --> 00:14:31,375
Why are you even here, hmm?
307
00:14:31,458 --> 00:14:33,125
All I ever wanted was a little place
308
00:14:33,208 --> 00:14:35,083
with my name on it,
where people liked to hang out.
309
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,625
Is that all you ever wanted?
310
00:14:39,750 --> 00:14:42,375
Oh, my God, if I knew you'd be
such a giant wuss about this,
311
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,041
I would've never written that stuff.
312
00:14:44,959 --> 00:14:48,375
You're Princess Bridezilla? Why?
Why? Why would you torture me?
313
00:14:48,750 --> 00:14:51,208
Eh, Andy needed a break.
314
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:54,208
We're surrounded by
a sea of nice people.
315
00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:56,083
Jules, Trav, Andy.
316
00:14:56,542 --> 00:14:59,250
We're the only ones
that hate people for no reason.
317
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,917
The gang needs us.
We balance them out.
318
00:15:02,625 --> 00:15:05,709
I do feel better about myself
when I'm judging others.
319
00:15:06,083 --> 00:15:08,875
It works for you.
I think it's kind of sexy.
320
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:12,542
- Yeah?
- Yeah. I'd do you.
321
00:15:12,625 --> 00:15:14,709
You know,
if Jules and Andy died in a car crash.
322
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,917
Or if just Jules died.
323
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,000
- Uh, just be who you are.
- Thanks.
324
00:15:25,542 --> 00:15:28,875
- Excuse me. Those grapes aren't free.
- Sorry.
325
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:31,917
Sorry you're a grown man
who wears a name tag.
326
00:15:36,041 --> 00:15:39,250
I didn't mean to go back
to your original self that second.
327
00:15:39,458 --> 00:15:40,500
Shh!
328
00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:42,709
There's no talking in grocery store jail.
329
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,542
You haven't stopped since we got here.
330
00:15:44,875 --> 00:15:46,834
I found an old box of old puddin' cups.
331
00:15:46,917 --> 00:15:48,208
Anybody want in?
332
00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:52,333
I wonder if this is the worst
moment of my life this year,
333
00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:54,375
or if it's the worst moment ever?
334
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:56,917
So, let's talk about
what's going on with you sexually.
335
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:58,583
Ever.
336
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,959
Okay. We fix you, we fix me, right?
337
00:16:01,041 --> 00:16:02,291
So I called in a doctor.
338
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:06,375
Hey, Trav. All right, lose the pants.
Let's see the noodle.
339
00:16:09,417 --> 00:16:12,500
I couldn't even steal lip balm.
I'm so lame.
340
00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:14,959
I bet everyone's thinking about
what a dork I am.
341
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:19,709
I wonder if Trav's butt is more
pale than the rest of his body.
342
00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:21,375
But is that even possible?
343
00:16:21,917 --> 00:16:25,250
Man, I shouldn't have eaten
so much of that tuna fish
344
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:29,417
and those pudding cups, and then
they didn't nice in my rum-a-tums.
345
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,041
What the hell did I just think?
346
00:16:31,542 --> 00:16:34,959
Wow.
I wish I had Bobby's beautiful eyes.
347
00:16:35,041 --> 00:16:39,083
His eyes with my face and body
would 'cause a total panty tsunami.
348
00:16:39,792 --> 00:16:43,041
I love all these people so much,
but I'll never tell them.
349
00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:44,750
I love you, too, Ellie.
350
00:16:45,041 --> 00:16:46,250
All right, people.
351
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,375
Apparently the police
are too busy to come down.
352
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:51,166
They don't have time for
Grand Theft Grape? Shocking.
353
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:54,250
You're all free to go
after you write an essay
354
00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:56,250
describing to me who you think you are,
355
00:16:56,417 --> 00:16:58,667
and what gives you the right
to steal from my store.
356
00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:01,917
Richard, thank you for being so kind.
357
00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:04,875
Store this moment
away, Richard.
358
00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:06,625
Take it out and play with it later.
359
00:17:10,625 --> 00:17:13,959
You hugged him?
Man, you really are a goody two-shoes.
360
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:16,291
Or am I?
361
00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:19,709
I stole his pen!
I did it! I stole something!
362
00:17:19,792 --> 00:17:21,417
Aw, honey! Good for you.
363
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:22,959
Whoo!
364
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:26,458
Physically, he's fine.
365
00:17:26,542 --> 00:17:29,583
By the way, nice to meet another guy
whose bacon hangs left of his eggs.
366
00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:30,917
We should start a club.
367
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:33,542
Oh. Well, then it was probably
just a one-time thing.
368
00:17:33,667 --> 00:17:35,542
Go find one of your nerdy gal pals
369
00:17:35,625 --> 00:17:37,542
and see if you can get
that Hobbit-sabre to fire up.
370
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,417
Look, I tried playing the field,
371
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:42,500
and after a while it
just didn't feel good.
372
00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:45,583
So now I don't feel
anything for anybody.
373
00:17:45,792 --> 00:17:46,875
What about Laurie?
374
00:17:47,208 --> 00:17:48,542
No. It just...
375
00:17:48,625 --> 00:17:50,291
It took me a year to bury those feelings,
376
00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:52,250
and I don't even wanna think about her.
377
00:17:52,709 --> 00:17:54,125
If you have real feelings for someone,
378
00:17:54,208 --> 00:17:57,083
you can't just shove them in a deep,
dark place and hope they go away.
379
00:17:58,291 --> 00:17:59,667
You're gonna have to deal with them.
380
00:18:02,417 --> 00:18:03,583
Look at it.
381
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,041
This pen is totally worth
382
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,625
how hard Richard pressed against me
when we hugged.
383
00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:10,959
Um, honey, I still don't get it.
384
00:18:11,041 --> 00:18:14,250
Why was it so important to you
to steal something?
385
00:18:15,125 --> 00:18:16,333
I don't know.
386
00:18:16,417 --> 00:18:17,458
Come on, Jules.
387
00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,917
This is the end of
this week's adventure. Sum it up.
388
00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:22,125
The truth is,
389
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,625
getting married
and having a kid so young,
390
00:18:24,709 --> 00:18:27,291
I just always felt like
I missed out on so much.
391
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:31,458
It took me forever to find
the courage just to take chances,
392
00:18:31,542 --> 00:18:34,291
whether it's trying to do something
that I've never done,
393
00:18:34,375 --> 00:18:38,458
or saying something
that I've always wanted to say,
394
00:18:38,542 --> 00:18:40,709
or doing something crazy for love.
395
00:18:41,417 --> 00:18:42,792
But I promise you this,
396
00:18:42,959 --> 00:18:47,041
the only things you will ever regret
are the things that you didn't do.
397
00:18:53,709 --> 00:18:54,834
Dear Mr Vernon,
398
00:18:54,917 --> 00:18:57,458
we accept the fact
that we had to spend a whole day
399
00:18:57,583 --> 00:19:00,792
in grocery store jail for
whatever it is that we did wrong.
400
00:19:00,875 --> 00:19:03,250
But we think you're crazy
for having us write an essay
401
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:04,792
telling who we think we are.
402
00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:08,375
You see us as you wanna see us,
in the simplest terms.
403
00:19:08,458 --> 00:19:12,792
But what we found out is that
each one of us is a goody two-shoes.
404
00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:16,291
And a freeloader.
405
00:19:16,375 --> 00:19:19,458
And a dick.
A handsome dick.
406
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:22,667
And a fire starter.
407
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:26,959
And a criminal.
408
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:33,250
- Hey.
- What...
409
00:19:33,417 --> 00:19:35,000
Look, listen, don't interrupt me.
410
00:19:35,083 --> 00:19:37,750
Because if I don't say this now,
I never will.
411
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:39,417
Um...
412
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,917
I like you.
413
00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:48,625
- Like, I really like you.
- Me, too.
414
00:19:49,834 --> 00:19:52,583
So, now what?
415
00:19:58,166 --> 00:20:01,166
Sincerely yours,
the Grocery Store Club.
33105
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