Original subtitles

Hey, Bobby. You know how I tell you not to feed the seagulls out back?

That's why.

Sorry.

Yeah, the seagull population in this town has exploded.

- They're everywhere. As mayor... - Oh!

- Mmm. - Ugh!

God.

What are you doing?

Ever since you became mayor,

you seem to really enjoy saying, "As mayor".

So I decided, whenever you do it, whoever touches their nose last

has to do the crab walk.

I don't say "As mayor" that much.

- Oh! - Ah!

Get crabbin', bitch.

God. This is murder on my hammies.

Hey, guys. I just saw an amazing documentary on tort reform.

I don't really care about pastries, Tom.

No, no, no. Torts are a legal...

I don't care what torts really are, so...

Okay. You want some popcorn?

Tom! Run!

Run? Why would I... God! Stop!

My God!

Hey, guys. If you cover your eyes, it sounds like we're at the beach.

- Ah! - Ah!

Beautiful.

- Wait... - What the hell?

There's nowhere to sit. This sucks.

I know! My bar is full of people buying food and drinks. I'm furious.

What's with that girl outside with the huge boobs, jumping rope?

Floppin' her boobies around. Flippity, floppity, flippity, floppity...

Wow!

How did you get so good at lying?

There's no shortcut. It's practise, practise, practise.

All these guys play in an adult dodgeball league. How cool is that?

- Zero. - Donald Trump.

That means not cool at all.

I wish we did more fun stuff.

Well, we do so much fun stuff.

Remember, last weekend,

when we got in the pool and we drank wine?

- How cool was that? - Ted Danson.

What? Ted Danson's not cool?

He's the judge on that new dance show called Can't Stop Danson.

No, he's not, 'cause that show doesn't exist.

I'll just join the dodgeball league

for lonely men whose wives won't do stuff to make them happy.

Fine. Sign us all up.

Hey, buddy! What's up?

"What's up?" We were supposed to meet at the boat for Penny Can.

I'm sorry. I was surfing with my buddy Riggs.

Riggs?

Man, look at all these gulls.

I haven't seen this many

since the Coast Guard had to explode that beached whale.

That was the saddest, most awesome thing I've ever seen.

You like Riggs more than me?

How can I say this?

Even if Riggs turned out to be Batman, I'd like you better.

Thanks.

You know, as mayor, I'm pretty close to being this town's Batman... Damn it.

Get down, son. Yeah! Yeah!

- You're out. - Stop practising dodgeball on me.

You suck.

Time for family dinner.

Uh, if it's family then why is she here?

What am I supposed to do, eat with Andy? I did that yesterday.

Nice cleavage.

- I did it for Jules. - Love it.

You know the drill. Family prayer before family food. Hands.

Okay. Dear Lord, thank you so much for our friends, and our family.

Thank you for this wonderful food and...

- What was that? - Hmm? Nothing.

He was all, like...

Why?

You throw food at me, you pay the price.

Bring it.

I'm gonna let that one go.

Do you have a problem with the family prayer?

No. I mean,

I don't love holding hands with Mr Sweaty Palms or Lady Lizard Skin...

Ow!

I don't know, I guess I just find it a little...

What word won't offend you? Silly?

All right.

Dinner's over.

Not for you two. You can eat in the other room.

He bailed on me for Riggs, too.

He tried to tell me they spent two hours having a burping contest.

Best of three, ten-minute quarters, pig Latin tie-breaker...

It could happen.

Hey, fellas. Sorry I'm late. I was playing cards with my buddy...

- Riggs. - Yeah?

Guys, meet Riggs.

But you're a girl.

Either my pecker fell off, or you're right.

How come when you're hanging out with Jules

you always look so sexy and put-together,

but when you're hanging around here, you look so...

Careful...

Pretty in a different way?

I wanna be comfy when I'm at home.

That's my cracker pocket.

Those sweatpants are hideous. Can't you be comfy and sexy?

I'm just gonna go down to the make-believe store,

'cause the comfy-sexy clothes are right next to the condoms

that are actually for her pleasure.

I'm on my way.

I can't believe you'd mock my prayer. I mean, my cooking? Sure.

The way I use my finger to get food out of the back of my teeth,

and then use that same finger to stir the gravy? Mock away.

I'm really sorry.

Do you even listen to what I'm saying when I do the prayer?

I hear you start, and then I snap back when you say, "Amen."

What about the middle?

Well, that's my time.

I can still be mad while you rub my feet.

I thought we had the same ideas on faith.

What do you believe in?

I would say I don't believe in anything.

God, if he's wrong, give me a sign.

Too late. You have to say that before the giant bird flies in.

All right, welcome to dodgeball practise. Any questions?

Ellie, what do you got?

Did you and Jules solve your religious crisis?

We got sidetracked trying to shoo a giant bird out of the house.

He lives with us now. I named him Mr Beakington.

We also decided that she can't be mad at me for what I believe in.

Any other questions?

How come sometimes I can see the moon when it's daytime?

The rules are easy.

If you hit someone, they're out.

But you can't hit them above the shoulders.

So if someone throws a ball and it hits you in the face...

Correct. That person, which in this case is me, would be out.

Right in the puss!

When you throw it, give it a little heat.

Oh!

Oh, man! Right in the snack basket. Is that legal?

Surprisingly, yes. I guess you're still angry about the prayer thing.

Yep. Any believers, help me out.

Ow!

So, how did you guys meet?

I was surfing and I dropped in on her.

As is custom, I came out of the water to a punch in the face.

Mmm, I should not have popped you.

It did not set a good example for the kids in the surf club I was teaching.

I'm gonna get the next round.

You got yourself a doppelgänger.

Sorry, is it peeking out of my shorts again?

Not a word for penis.

You two are twins. She even wears the same flip-flops!

Those are mine. She lost hers doing Karate Kidcrane kicks off a pier.

Well, I think we all know what the next question is.

Is Pat Morita dead?

Or, when are you asking her out?

Riggs is my buddy. She's practically a dude.

I mean, she does have an okay set of doppelgängers.

- No. - What?

- Little bit. - Oh!

Are you dressing like that in public now to punish me?

Oh! You noticed.

Hold my hand, so if I put my hoodie up,

it'll look like you're walking with a dude.

Wardrobe punishment? Please.

If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test.

I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.

- You're an American treasure. - Well, thank you.

Why am I a bad guy for wanting my hot, sexy wife to show it off a little?

I mean, look at that girl. Very classy. But those jeans are perfect.

Wow, she's got a rockin' butt. Damn!

Oh! No, no, no, no, no. Oh, she's just a kid.

From the back, she looks 25, but from the front she's 14.

She's a 25-14. 25-14. Oh, I feel sick.

Just this once, let it go.

I totally think she'd give you her number.

You know, if her mom gave her a cell phone for emergencies or something.

Come on.

- What? What's wrong? - Nothing.

I can't believe you don't believe in anything.

I mean, even Mr Beakington believes in a wind god of some kind.

Where is that gross bird?

Sort of took over upstairs. That's why we're sleeping down here.

Look, I'm glad you have something to believe in,

but I see the world as a place where things just happen.

Okay. We're gonna find you some faith and jam it down your throat.

Seems like a healthy approach.

Are we really having a group discussion about spirituality?

Last Saturday, we spent the night debating

who would win a fight between cartoon characters.

There's no debate. Bugs is too crafty!

Grape Ape is 40 feet tall!

Listen, Andy and I are religious,

but I am New England Catholic and he is Latin America Catholic.

So I pray, and when his family wants to talk to God, they sacrifice a chicken.

My grandmother killed that chicken for dinner.

She was speaking in tongues.

She was speaking Spanish!

You know, I've actually been experimenting at school.

I totally called that!

What's his name? Is he cute?

I meant with religion.

Oh, man. I was excited to show you how cool I'd be about it.

My first stepdad was Jewish, which is why I don't drive on Shabbat.

But stepdads two through five

were Methodist, Buddhist, Quaker and Snake Charmer,

so, religiously, I'm like one of those fountain drinks

that you just put a splash of every soda in until your cup is full.

Mmm, I find your belief system delicious.

This has been very helpful.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna say something to that little hussy

who's been wagging her ass around for Andy.

Her? She's a kid.

She knows what she's doing.

She is flaunting it, waiting for some wealthy guy to take her

on a shopping spree at Claire's.

Okay, here she comes. I'm gonna push her in the fountain.

She's, like, 14. When I was 14, I barely...

No, scratch that. I was actually living with a guy.

But look at her. You're gonna look like a psycho.

Maybe you're right. Hello.

Hi.

See? I told you.

Enjoy the view. Your husband did.

Damn! She's got game.

- Ooh! - Ow!

Those two are idiots.

I mean, neither one can see how great they are for each other.

I always thought that if I could be Bobby's perfect woman,

which is totally cost-prohibitive, I would be like her.

Well, I'm glad it's only the money holding you back.

Look, we just gotta get him to stop thinking of Riggs as a drinking buddy,

and start seeing her as a woman.

Oh, my God, please say "makeover".

What's up, guys?

We want you to meet the new Riggs.

- Okay, come on, Riggs. - Come on, Riggs! Don't be shy.

That is hilarious! That's like putting sunglasses on a dog!

I know, right?

- You guys. Bye. - I love it.

It always works in movies.

There is no way that you could look out at all of this beauty

and not believe in some kind of higher power.

Yeah, but, what's up with all the seagulls?

They seem really focused on us.

I don't know.

Are you crazy? You have crackers?

Yeah, I borrowed this jacket from Ellie.

- Well, get rid of 'em. - Oh. Okay.

- Oh, no. - Go, Jules, go! Tom Cruise run!

Go, Jules, go! Go! Go!

Tom Cruise run!

No! Get away!

Take it easy, take it easy. It's just Big Lou.

Every time I close my eyes, I just see them everywhere.

Nope, no floor-bed for you.

You can hang out upstairs with Mr B.

You know, he pretends he wasn't involved in the attack,

but I saw Ellie's sweatshirt in the nest he was building.

Why are you mad at me?

Don't tell me you're still on this faith thing.

Look, I'm sorry I can't just magically start believing whatever you do.

Do you think that I signed up for dodgeball because I wanted to?

You know what my worst nightmare is?

Is it being attacked by a thousand birds?

You know what my other worst nightmare is?

Being hit in the face by balls.

No, no. Still too soon.

I don't expect you to suddenly believe what I do.

But if we're really partners, and something's important to me,

shouldn't you at least be open to it?

Riggs looked awesome. Why'd you laugh?

I always laugh at dudes in dresses. It's a staple of British comedy.

But don't you see how cute she is?

Especially after I realised that, makeup-wise, she's an autumn.

I don't really know what's going on here, but I think Riggs is awesome.

I just don't have the urge to bump doppelgängers with her. We're buds.

But wouldn't it be great to date a buddy?

Maybe that's why your relationships haven't worked out lately.

You've never dated a girl you were friends with first.

Finding a girl who just wants to get naked and hook up, that's awesome.

Yes!

You right, you right!

Still, finding a girl you can talk to for hours and not stop laughing?

Somebody who already cares enough to take a bullet for you?

That's tough to come by.

Hmm.

Wait. What am I doing again?

You're backup in case we need to throw a beat-down

- on this girl and her friends. - What?

Can we switch places? My girl looks like a brawler.

What do you want?

Nothin'. I'm just standing here.

You got a problem?

I don't know. You got a problem?

Hi, I'm Mrs Cobb. You're really cute.

- Pfft! - Pfft!

Oh, that is it! It is on, ladies!

Mom!

That was the sternest talking-to I've received in quite some time.

She's a good mom.

When she said she was disappointed in us, I really felt it.

I can't compete with a 14-year-old's butt.

I can only hope that, when she's 20, an unwanted pregnancy will destroy it.

What is this really about?

Well, in all the years I've known Andy, he's never looked at anyone but me.

Have you seen yourself recently?

You're dressing like a lady who would do stuff for just a little bit of crack.

Laurie!

She's right, sweetie.

Andy worships the ground you walk on, but you gotta try a little!

What is this lined with? Crackers?

Since we've only practised once, I have to ask.

Has anyone ever died here playing dodgeball?

Just once, but not in a game. The roof collapsed.

They fixed it.

My brother-in-law worked on the new roof, and he's a complete idiot.

All right! Let's kick some ass!

There you go.

This is so Trump, you guys.

Everyone ready?

Will you give me one sec?

Is that for me?

Enjoy the view.

On my whistle.

Out!

I hate this! I hate this!

- Out! - Aah!

Oh!

Out!

God! I hate this.

No!

Riggs. You took that for me.

What's your first name?

Lisa.

Stop it! No!

It was worth it.

Dude.

That was so sweet. Hate this! I hate it!

All right, Jules. You can do this.

I can't. Ah!

Up, up, up, up, up, up. Grab a hand. Grab a hand.

No!

Close your eyes and say a prayer for Jules. Come on.

Okay.

Aw.

Ow!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! That was a head shot! He's out! That guy's out.

Great job, Jules!

What? My ears are ringing.

Ow!

Head shot! He's out!

Get out!

Mr Beakington, you came.

That's it! A head shot! We win! We win!

When your eyes were closed and you were praying,

what was in your head?

I was thinking good thoughts for you.

I figured that could be my version of prayer, you know?

I like that.

Good night.

Oh.

Damn birds.

Glad the seagulls are finally gone.

Yeah. The city council didn't consult me on their decision

to introduce starving falcons into the Gulfhaven airspace,

but, as mayor, I... What's going on?

I changed the rules. Had Laurie send a tweet out.

Thank you, everyone, for participating!

Come on!

I also added this when you say, "Come on!"

Come on!