Original subtitles

- Ha! - Wow.

Does that spider owe you money?

You still have little spider legs twitching on your man hands.

Man hands? You're stealing jokes from Seinfeldnow?

Was that that Jewish guy you dated in high school?

No. He had a huge TV show. "Must-see TV"?

Never heard of it. No one's gonna tell me what's "must-see."

I have all these confusing feelings for Travis,

and now he's out there playing the field.

And it just makes me want to Hulk out and destroy things.

Jelly-Hulk jealous, Jelly-Hulk smash.

Jelly-Hulk wear tacky jewellery.

I'm not afraid of you.

Ugh!

Hey, who wants a piping hot cinnamon bun?

What's going on with Trav?

I saw him in town making out with some girl.

He was batting around her tonsils like a speed bag.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

- Shut up! - Ow!

It burns. I can't get the frosting off my eye!

Oh, God, it's searing my eye!

Now I'm a little afraid.

I just loved him, you know?

I guess I should've told him more.

I just thought he'd be here forever.

Michael Jackson's death affected everybody.

I know some pharmacists that are pretty heartbroken.

Lynn, I love you, but if you trash the King of Pop,

I will burn this place to the ground.

And that is a great topic for next week.

Another fun one.

You know, I bet if we met on the street, we'd end up being friends.

I'd love to hang out.

Ever since my husband Reggie died, I don't get out very much.

I used to have a best friend, but then I found out that Reggie was

also married to her, so...

That's done.

Shockingly, that is only the fifth saddest story you've ever told me.

Why do you waste your time? I mean, therapy is such a sham.

Before therapy, I was a people-pleasing control freak.

I was constantly obsessed about Travis.

You have come a long way.

You joke, but I was way worse.

I kept a baby monitor in Travis's room until he was 17.

Ellie, do you think we'll always live in Florida?

Why aren't you at work yet?

Yeah. I hid it in their house in case they talk about me. So what?

I don't need a shrink. I mean, I can tell you all my weird stuff.

Okay. I have always wondered,

why do you take your pants off when you pee?

Well, what am I gonna do?

Stand there with them around my ankles like a little bitch?

This is fun. Um, all right, I have another one.

Your modelling career. How did that happen?

A guy stopped me on the street, put me in a music video.

The crazy part? The guy was blind.

Yeah, he decided I was beautiful with his hands.

Oh, babe, he wasn't blind.

Oh, he was. I used to have to get in the tub and help him bathe.

You so don't need therapy. Mmm-mmm.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Jerry.

You know, I feel a little crappy about that 6 bucks I owe you.

What do you say we go double or nothing?

What number am I thinking?

Uh, six?

Damn it. Oh, it's 'cause I just said that number.

All right. Look, let me settle this.

I can't take money from the mayor.

Wait, what? I'm the mayor?

- Yeah, for, like, a month. - How am I doing?

- I don't know. - I forgot I ran for that.

Mayor Ando. Mando.

I won something! How did I miss that?

I gotta start checking my voicemail.

I got, like, 100 messages.

Why are we watching an Alanis Morissette video?

Because of this. Boom!

No way!

Thank you. Play it again. Play it forever.

Oh, look at his hair. He looks like that nerdy lesbian from Scooby-Doo.

Who looks like Velma?

Ruh-roh. It's Rayson.

Not cool.

What's up his butt?

My guess is Alanis' finger at the wrap party.

Oh, my money's no good here. I'm the First Lady of Gulfhaven.

Doesn't work that way.

Here you go.

Then what do you get to do as mayor of this tiny town?

Not much, it's mostly ceremonial. You got a meeting every six months.

Uh, oh, uh, this, uh, this afternoon

I get to do a ribbon-cutting at a new bike rack.

Dude, you get to use those giant scissors?

Uh, no. You've got to bring your own.

Uh-oh.

And they lived happily ever after.

Did they? Or did they wind up in the fountain?

Ahhh!

You're a grown man. Get a new hobby.

Wow.

- Is she gone? - Yeah.

Your first act as mayor should be calming down Jelly-Hulk.

Are you tight with the animal control guys yet?

I am not going anywhere near her.

Well, come on, Mando. You're married to Ellie,

you're a seasoned crazy bitch whisperer. No offence.

You know, he once bitch-whispered me down from choking out a lady

for using the handicapped stall.

It turns out she was handicapped, but, like, barely.

Oh, sometimes I wish I could get away from it all.

Trav, you ever get overwhelmed by the stresses of day-to-day life?

Well, sure. But I go to college, get up before noon, bathe...

Man, bathing's the worst.

Get wet and dry off. Get wet and dry off.

It's a grind.

I wanna take a little vacay.

I'm in. Where are we going?

Target? Are you serious?

This is a magical place, buddy.

Hey. Welcome back, Mr Cobb. You must be Travis.

How's your photography going?

This is weird.

I can't believe you showed them the video.

You never said it was a secret.

Oh, come on. You know when stuff should stay between the two of us.

I mean, that was supposed to go in the vault.

Hmm?

The vault? Like Seinfeld.

- Not everyone has heard of that show. - They have.

We are an open group. We tell each other everything.

We don't have any vaults.

Are you sure?

Heck yeah, J-Bird, I got vaults.

Of course I do, Jules.

Everyone does. Why didn't you just ask me the first time you called?

Do you have vaults?

I mean, are there really things that you tell other people

that you don't tell me?

- Yes. - Cool.

Cool?

Hey, Laurie. Ellie said that she's happy that Trav's been playing the field.

Sic her.

Ahhh!

I'll get you!

Get out of my house. No.

Do you see this frying pan? I will hit you with it. I'm gonna do it!

Try it!

Andy, you got to come home. It finally happened.

Where are our passports?

Oh, forget it. She's waking up. Thank God.

Laurie, honey, are you okay?

What happened?

All right, you want to know everyone's vaults? There they are.

- You have a vault with Andy? - Of course.

Is there anything in that vault about me?

There may be.

- Open the damn vault. - Don't do it, Ellie.

Why do you care?

It's not like you two have a secret together.

You don't have a...

Wait a minute.

Oh, boy.

Please.

Oh, no. No!

How long has this been going on?

I came over for coffee one day and you weren't here. It just happened.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Well, at least this hasn't gone to a crazy place.

You know what? I'm gonna blow up this whole vault thing.

There's no dressing left.

Newman!

- What? - Nothing.

Yeah. It's... Forget it.

I lost me wallet pillaging. Can I borrow a doubloon?

If someone doesn't stop her,

this town's gonna be filled with one-eyed freaks.

Fine.

Hey, girl.

I know you're feeling all kinds of bad right now.

- Are you bitch-whispering me? - Works on Ellie.

You know she hit me with a frying pan yesterday?

Luckily, I worked at IHOP in Tampa for six months, so I knew how to take it.

Come to my ribbon-cutting ceremony. The whole gang'll be there.

It'll take your mind off it.

Okay.

Oh, this is gonna make brain surgery much harder.

Dude,

this place is sick.

I wanna play all the new video games, then I want to watch whatever

Pixar movie's playing on the 70-inch plasma screen...

Whoa, T-dog, we got time. Just chill.

Ah!

I fell asleep in one of these earlier.

I love this place. It's how I get far, far away from all my problems.

Ditto.

Trav, get the lady a drink.

Oh, I thought we were doing a bit.

I don't understand why you think that

we need to keep things from each other. I'm an open book.

I know you want to live in a world where none of us keep anything

from each other, but face it, no one agrees with you.

Jules! I am so psyched you called.

I'm sorry I'm so sweaty, I was at Pilates.

But we can still hug, because I did a double deode coat.

Oh.

Oh. It's kind of working.

I will have a gin and tonic in a beer mug, please. A big one.

So, what are the plans? And do I need to drive anywhere?

Because if I do, I'm gonna stop at three.

I thought we would just chill and talk about

how you should always be open with the people that you're closest with.

You know. Any thoughts?

Did you call me down here as a therapist, or as a new gal pal?

Gal pal. Don't be ridick.

Yeah, okay. Well, this deodorant is just not working.

It's the organic kind. And boo to that, right?

I'm gonna go sop this up with something. Napkins or something.

When your weird, sweaty gal pal finds out you're just using her

to win an argument, she's gonna freak.

You can't tell her because we're inside the vault.

But you don't like vaults.

Well, until they're gone, I'm gonna use them.

Whew. That table's gonna need some more napkins.

So, Grayson, real quick, wanna let you know.

You have the same frame as my dead, gay husband.

If you ever need a pair of ass-less jeans, let me know.

This is gonna sound weird, but I would like those.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

All right, it's 2:00.

I can't believe no one showed.

Not even my wife, or my best friend.

As my first official act as mayor,

I present Gulfhaven's new bike rack.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

Come on!

You know what I like about this particular brand of toilet paper?

Hey, Dad. Can I borrow you for a sec?

What's up?

I just didn't feel like that was going anywhere good.

I'm just nervous.

My stomach feels like it's full of butterflies.

Seriously. It feels exactly how it did when I ate all those butterflies.

That was a bet I'm sad I won.

So how can I connect with this gal?

You don't have to do anything. Just...

Walk down an aisle,

and see where it takes you.

So, gal pal, back me up on this whole "no vaults" thing.

I mean, I know you like being open from that story you told me about

being a human sushi platter.

You know, Jules, I think vaults are important.

Oh! What are you all so scared of?

Is it that bad that we know that you were in an Alanis Morissette video?

And, Ellie, I think that you would feel better if everyone knew

that you were born with 11 toes.

Liar! That's not true.

It's actually very common.

She had the rare seven-four split.

Too many. Not enough.

When you learned to walk, did you just go in circles?

Now Dime Eyes is mocking me! Are you happy?

That's what we do, honey.

We rib each other. And we're fine, right?

Totally fine. I'm just never gonna tell you anything ever again.

Grayson?

Since there aren't any vaults,

Jules didn't really want to be your friend.

She just wanted you to tell her that she was right.

Is that true?

I'm sorry.

Well, they're fixed now!

Oh, hey, honey.

Oh, hey, Ellie. What are you up to?

I've been waiting 10 minutes for you to look over so I could do this.

Seriously?

You hurt her, Jules.

You hurt all of us.

Hey, Lynn. I'm glad you're still here.

And that you're comfortable enough to be wearing my pyjamas.

I needed to regroup.

Can you help me fix this?

I just feel so hurt. So used. I just feel so empty.

I understand,

but why do we have to do this in front of him?

Oh, Ron? That's 'cause he's a great shrink. I've been seeing him for years.

- She is nuts! - What?

I know.

Okay. I'm cool with Ron.

Yay!

- I can't believe no one showed. - Yeah, I'm still really bummed, too.

Let's go Fight Clubon each other.

You'd be surprised what a bitch-slap can make you forget.

That's insane.

- Hey! - Fight me. I want to.

I'm not gonna hit a girl.

Ow!

Stop it!

- Come at me, bitch! - I said stop!

Ahhh!

Oh, my God, I am so sorry!

Are you kidding? That was awesome!

Oh!

The mayor, beating up a woman?

Eye for an eye, Andy! Finish her!

Lynn, shall we talk about how inappropriate it was

for you to insert yourself into your patient's personal life?

Not why we're here.

Let's cut to the chase. I used you.

I was a jerk, and I regret it. Yada, yada, yada.

I love that episode.

If you're talking about Seinfeld, I will kill you.

I would be willing to forget about all this

if you agree to come to Pilates with me,

- once a week. - Oh.

- Not a healthy solution. - No one asked you, Ron.

Look...

I don't know why this whole vault thing is making me so nuts.

I think you've got some deep-seated trust issues.

- Your turn, Ronny. - I was gonna say what she said.

No, he wasn't. He's totally the "Tell me why you feel the way you feel" type.

Oh, hate that type.

Why do you hate that, Jules?

- This guy, right? - Seriously, dude, come on.

Look, when I was a kid, my mom was sick,

and no one told me because they knew I would get upset.

And then, during my first marriage,

everyone knew that I was being cheated on,

but no one said anything.

So I guess I just hate being kept in the dark.

Gosh, you're missing out. I can't tell you how safe it feels

to be able to tell someone anything

and know that it's not gonna come back to bite you.

That is probably why you like therapy so much.

Thanks, Lynn.

Ron, we get...

While we have a few minutes left here.

If I were treating someone

and I was having fantasies...

...about running my fingers

through her dark, liquorice hair,

would it be unprofessional for me to continue treating her?

- Yes. - Mmm, disappointed.

Man, I haven't had a bloody nose since every day in high school.

You're really tough.

I still can't hear out of this ear. You have really strong thighs.

I once shattered a man's cheekbones with my thighs.

- What were you fighting about? - No, no. We weren't fighting.

We're so dumb.

I acted like the mayor thing wasn't important to me,

of course no one showed up.

And you're so mad at Trav.

Does he even know how you feel about him?

No.

It's not fair to act like people let you down

if you never told them what you wanted.

Whoa. Don't get up so fast, I clocked you in the head pretty hard, dude.

- What an amazing day. - I'll never forget it.

It was nice to meet you, Bobby Cobb.

You too, Target Mary.

Why do you have to say goodbye? You two are great together.

Trav, this was a vacation fling. Those end.

Oh, I gotta get going. I gotta catch a cab to the airport.

Bye. Bye.

She lives by the airport.

And we can't hide from the real world forever,

but we can always come back next year.

Why do we have to wait a year? We walked here...

Shh. Just wave.

Well, there he is!

You guys...

I'm so proud of you, boo.

- Thank you. - Bobby, giant scissors.

Don't run with these things, bubba.

Mr Mayor, would you do the honour?

Of course.

Now, we celebrate!

He didn't even get her number.

It's just frustrating to see two people who'd be so good together

not even give it a shot. It sucks, right?

Yeah.

Hi. Thank you.

You told them I was upset, didn't you?

Yeah, but the party was their idea.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Want me to tell Trav?

No. No, I'm not ready yet.

Where did Jules and Dime Eyes go?

So I can tell you anything, any fear, any insecurity,

even weird stuff, and it just stays in our vault?

Right.

I was afraid to marry you because you'd been divorced.

Little hypocritical, but locked up forever.

Ooh. I love this!

I don't really like your daughter.

We don't have to, uh, fill the whole vault up tonight.

Oh.

When I was 12...

I put lipstick up my butt so I'd poop pretty.

My parents had to take me to the hospital.

This goes in our new group vault.

- Okay? - Oh, yeah.

Sometimes, when we have sex,

I wish that you were the girl and I was the boy.

- Oh, we can do that. - Oh!

I'm going home.

Oh, so good.

I was waiting until we were alone to show you this.

I'm not in this one.

No, but I am.

What?

Jean jacket guy, meet smarmy record exec.

- You're a Morissette man, too? - Yep.

Come here.

-Jagged Little Pillchanged my life. - Oh, tell me about it.

- What's happening here? - Nothing.

- Vault? - Absolutely.