Original subtitles

So, what did you think of Inception?

What the hell was that?

And here we go.

If someone could go into your dreams

then they should do something nice.

Like, make me stop dreaming of having sex

with that neck tattoo guy at your bar.

You dream about him?

No.

Can you at least tell me if Titanicguy

was really with his kids at the end of the movie,

or was he still just dreaming?

I mean, did the top stop spinning or not?

The movie is open-ended.

You get to decide for yourself what happened.

We don't hit when we're frustrated.

I don't like open-ended movies. That's why I never liked Grease.

How was Greaseopen-ended?

Where did they go in the flying car, Travis?

I mean, do they live in space now?

Yep. That's what Grease 2 was about. Grease in Space.

Uh, Grease Two! Uh, Grease in Space!

We're doing a hand jive with the alien race

Blast away, away with me!

We're summer-lovin' in anti-gravity! Grease in Space

Oh!

Man, I keep getting this sharp pain in my stomach.

I don't have to worry, right?

Cancer.

My friend Nezzie had stomach pains she ignored

and then she had a baby in Contempo Casuals.

She didn't keep the kid, but they did make her buy

the mini skirt that she got placenta on.

You should definitely tell that story when you host the White Trash Awards.

Anyway, I already called the window doctor.

Morning. Let's, uh, check your temperature.

All right. Mmm. Isn't it great?

We don't ever have to call a real doctor any more.

Uh, I'm still a real doctor.

Okay.

Yeah.

Ellie, now that Laurie and Wade live together,

there's a new couple for our dinner rotation.

I say all six of us go out tonight.

Oh, tonight would be a perfect night for me not to do that.

Yeah, I'll pass, too.

You're both going.

Tom.

- My heart is not in my under-boob. - Oh, sorry.

- Do you have that urine sample? - Oh. Yeah, right here.

You have clean urine in your fridge?

Where were you

when I applied for that job at Walmart?

Hmm. One of these is chicken broth.

- Oh, well. Test 'em both. - Sweet. Here's dinner.

What the hell was that?

You're getting land-lined.

Nobody calls your home phone any more

unless the shizz is supes serious.

Hello?

Just grab a table, babe. I'll be right over.

Ah! Look who got a new girlfriend.

Nah, bro. It's just a first date.

I always seem to get hung up on one chick, you know?

But this time I don't want anything serious.

I just want to slay some ass.

Ooh, quick tip. Guys who "slay ass" never say "slay ass."

I don't think you can pull off being a player.

You've always been sort of an insta-committer.

I mean, you had a girl move in with us at five years old after one play date.

That's because she said her mom was an alien.

I had to save her. But never again, okay?

From now on I'm a player.

There's no "R". It's "playa."

Uh-oh. Land-line.

I hope no one died, because I don't have a dark suit.

Hello?

Who wants to go carry an old man?

Just throw him on the couch.

Watch your hands, Torres.

You touch me there again,

we're gonna have to move to a blue state and get married.

It's the only place I can get a grip.

Nothing on your body is where it's supposed to be.

This would be a lot easier

if we had a wheelchair.

I don't need a damn wheelchair.

It's just a little ankle fracture.

I was bare-backing Annabelle and she bucked me off.

Ooh! Attaboy, Chick-a-Boom. Get you some!

Annabelle's my horse.

Oh, man. Love is blind.

Hey. Here's some chips, soda.

Oh, and the remote.

Now, don't be a pain in the ass. I'm not your servant.

I'm so excited my dad's here.

Then why are you acting so me-ish?

My dad won't let anyone take care of him,

so to take care of him

you have to pretend you're not taking care of him.

If I ever get in an accident, I'd want you to take care of me.

What is she doing?

Is she praying for you to get in an accident?

It's my stomach.

It's just that I don't want to look stupid when the pain hits,

so I'm T-boning.

"Tebowing." A year late and you're still wrong.

Ooh! Yeah!

Close me out, barkeep.

This is a Hogwarts ID.

Yeah, I'm just pretending to pay, dude.

Player move!

Trav, I'm not great with the gals,

but I bet you Dad Number Two over here

could give you some pointers.

You just say the word,

and I'll teach you how to stop thinking with your heart,

and start thinking with your disco stick.

I think I'm good.

Baby, my parents are so excited

we're driving to the Keys tomorrow to meet them.

Oh, I can't wait!

Teach me.

Trav wants to be a player now?

That is just wrong.

It's like when Jewel released that pop album.

Be real, girlfriend.

You have a snaggletooth and you play acoustic.

Look, why are you so worried about Travis, all right?

Let the kid have his fun.

Yeah, let the boy tap some ass!

Sorry, I was trying to say ass, but in a cool way.

I am dying. Where's Jules?

Land-lined.

Hello?

Okay.

Don't you say it.

Your friends aren't gonna make it. Should I remove these seats?

Should I remove your nuts?

Oh, it's not you. She's just a horrible person.

Hey, we don't need Jules and Grayson.

We have plenty to talk about.

You know, they just invented a realistic sex robot in Japan.

Lot of talk on the Internet about whether or not it's cheating.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom before I kill myself.

What are you doing here?

I'm in the bathroom.

How's it going with your dad?

Oh, it's awesome.

That's how people who won't use crutches

get up the stairs.

I'm still a man, damn it!

Jules, I got your test results. You have a kidney stone.

I have only been with Grayson.

Not an STD.

Okay. Well, great. So, what now?

You'll pass it eventually, but kidney stones are really painful.

I birthed Travis' giant square head,

I think I can handle a tiny stone.

- Besides, I'm fine. The pain's gone. - That's the thing about stones.

You can go hours feeling nothing and then all of a sudden...

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, this is a big one.

Uh, some of my patients find it soothing if I sing.

Oh, please don't!

Nobody knows the trouble I've...

Here you go.

J-Bird, I don't want to put you out of your own bed.

Just take a damn nap. I'm fine.

Ahhh! Help me!

I can barely feel my feet.

Oh. Come on now. This is insane.

Just tell your dad that you have a kidney stone.

No! He'll barely let me take care of him now.

If he knew I was about to black out in pain, he'd leave.

Wow. I have a more functional relationship

with my dad and he's dead.

You don't realise how stubborn my dad is. Come here!

He doesn't even believe in daylight savings time.

For six months a year, he's an hour early to everything.

Or an hour late. I'm not sure which way it is.

Ah.

Look, you're just as stubborn as he is.

I'm not stubborn! I'm just always right.

Well, I get that.

I'll be fine, dude. Because what you don't know is,

window doctor here is about to give me a painkiller shot.

Why haven't we used him like this before?

You'll feel a little prick. And then a needle.

Doctor humour.

- That's why. - Mmm-hmm.

- Ooh! Wow. - Mmm.

There it is.

Okay, I'm gonna be fine.

You go back to work. You go back to your date.

Well, if I have to deal with the Jelly Patrol...

Hit me.

Ow! Ow!

That's fantastic!

It's Grease in Space with flying cars

Getting hickeys from Kenickie on planet Mars

Grease in Space

Now, let's start class.

Lesson one, how to get the ladies.

Let me guess. Lie your ass off till the panties hit the floor.

Whoa! Playa's code. No false promises.

You just gotta be honest about what you want.

Like, with me, it was no morning cuddles, no brunch...

Ooh, and no leave-behinds. I will throw those flip-flops right into the trash.

Seriously? That works? Just be honest.

Yeah. I mean, you gotta throw in a little game.

Wow.

What?

Oh, nothing. It's just...

I guess I've never really looked at your eyes.

They are so blue.

Good thing I'm not busy,

'cause I don't think I can move until you blink.

I'm not comfortable with what I'm feeling right now.

What happened to you?

- Shh. - Mmm.

You're harshing my buzz.

We're still debating whether or not boning a robot is cheating.

Can I get one? Please? I'll clean it, walk it, feed it.

It won't be cheating, it'll look just like you.

Fine, go nuts.

But how would you clean it?

I mean, do you just jam it into the dershwersher?

"Dershwersher"?

Dershwersher. There. Your hair looks amazing.

I don't know what's going on, but I am finding you delightful.

I'm sorry, all right, but I didn't just fight for our country

to come back to a place where people sleep with robots.

What about when you're older and you can't do it twice a day?

How am I gonna get my cardio?

What's the difference between me hopping on the elliptical,

or me getting my target heart rate up by doing a little bump-and-grind

- with a beep-boop. - Wow.

You are so funny.

Not a great time, Jules.

The meds wore off.

It feels like a porcupine is trying

to crawl out of my hoo.

Stupid window doctor.

Would you jump up and get that remote for me?

Ooh! You know what?

- I love this show. - That's a commercial.

- Oh. - And why are you sweating?

Oh, I don't know. I just...

I don't know what cereal he's gonna like.

I'll get it myself.

Ow. Oh. Oh. My ankle's...

Oh, it's... Going down, the ground is coming up...

Oh, Dad, let me help you.

Oh! Okay.

I'm going down, too.

I know why I'm laying down here. Why are you?

I've got a kidney stone.

Okay, let's go over what we've learned.

Be confident, but not arrogant.

More McConaughey in Dazed and Confused,

less McConaughey in Magic Mike.

Be honest, but don't give away too much.

More McConaughey in Lincoln Lawyer,

less McConaughey in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

Are we gonna have any non-McConaughey examples?

All right, all right, all right. Last question.

It's 9 a.m.

She is still in your bed. What do you do, playa boy?

Read her the haiku I stayed up all night writing for her?

I'm kidding! Don't worry, I got it.

Well, then...

Go get her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, man.

Your breath smells like tuna fish.

You're eating a tuna fish sandwich.

That's right.

Remember, start her off with a compliment.

Mmm.

Hey, girl. You look like a gremlin.

But in a good way. I mean, they were so cute, right?

Anyway, I'm not, uh, looking for a commitment,

just wanna take you home and do stuff.

To you.

Man, it's like watching your kid die in battle.

Ugh.

Hey, boo,

would you make sweet love to me if I talked like this?

I'm not high any more. Laurie, I hate that outfit.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Okay, why is Travis wasting his time talking to that skank? Ugh.

Look, who knows how long these two are gonna be okay with sex robots?

You have to get on board.

I know they cost like sixty thousand bucks apiece,

but maybe we can go halfsies on one. You know, get two different heads.

I am not making love to a robot.

Yes, I said what you think I said.

- Babe, calm down. - No!

For me, if you truly love someone, then you don't need anything else.

Wait! Sorry.

Well, since it's just us,

you want to get a bottle of champagne and maybe...

Mmm.

Oh, I am so getting a robot.

Ow! Son of a butt!

It's almost passed.

This stage is what we doctors refer to as the "Ring of Fire."

You know, when I close my eyes, it's almost like a horse giving birth.

Whoo! That was a wild ride.

Where's Dad?

He left.

Damn.

Tom says no more shots.

Just taking off like that? It's not cool.

I know how bad kidney stones hurt.

When I passed mine, I bit your Uncle Jim's pinkie off.

Is that why he used to talk to us through that hand puppet?

That and a bunch of emotional issues. He's still in jail.

358 more years.

So, you just doing some night mowing?

I tried to come down and get my mail,

but the damn thing ran out of gas.

But don't worry about me, J-Bird. I'm fine here.

Okay, then I'll just check on you tomorrow.

I'm kidding. Come on, let me just give you a hand.

0 for 11. That was humiliating.

Oh, come on, buddy. It wasn't that bad.

How do you figure?

I was not expecting a follow-up question.

Look, the worst a girl can do is say no.

Really? Because the last young lady I talked to

asked me how severe my Asperger's was.

Does he have Asperger's?

What's Asperger's?

Look! I don't have it, okay?

I'm just not cut out to be a player. "Playa."

All right. You know what the problem is, Trav?

You're trying to hit on girls like G-Man.

But you can't get all buff and wax your chest

and convince girls that you're straight. He barely can.

It is a tightrope.

Come on! You're this weird, goofy, nerdy little dude.

Own it.

Hi, I'm Travis Cobb.

I own a perfect replica of the GhostbustersProton Pack,

which I actually wear at least once a week, usually with clothes.

I'm not looking for anything serious, but if you want to hang out,

bust through seasons one and two of The Walking Dead,

maybe throw together some artisan flatbreads

and roll around a little, then let's do this.

- Let's go. - Really? What?

Okay... What the...

Yeah!

Yeah!

Are you packing?

Yeah, I'm taking off. Look, this is not working.

Over a robot? This is insane.

It's not about that. You should've heard yourself today.

You know, you care more about what's going on with Travis

than anything in my life.

What are you talking about?

Laurie, I love you. I do, you know.

But I just don't feel like you're all in.

You know, I can't sit around waiting with my fingers crossed,

losing to some 21-year-old

who doesn't even know he's in the game.

Look, you have feelings for him.

Babe...

Look, tell me I'm wrong and I will stay.

Yeah.

You know, when I was younger

I tried to have sex in this thing and I almost hung myself.

Your mom and I conceived you in a movie theatre.

Well, why would you tell me that?

You put nasty pictures in my head, I do the same to you.

Dad, why won't you let me take care of you?

Oh, hell, Junebug. You're my little girl.

I'm supposed to take care of you.

It's a dad's worst nightmare

getting to the place where his own child has to be looking after him.

You were thrown from a horse. That could happen to anyone.

I wasn't thrown, I fell trying to get on.

I've been riding my entire life, I have never fallen once.

It's a slippery slope, this getting old.

I'm just lucky that I have lived such a great life.

- Okay, you're not old. - I'm 76, honey.

Well, you can live another 40 or 50 years.

My memory's already starting to go.

Pretty soon they're not going to let me drive any more.

You have got so many great things going on in your life,

you just shouldn't waste a second of it on me.

Okay, well, tough crap.

I love you. You have done everything for me.

So I'm gonna do the same for you whether you like it or not.

What if, someday, I'm not "me" any more?

Maybe you won't complain so much.

Oh, and I can put you in those Hawaiian shirts that you hate.

You'll look so great.

Thanks.

Thanks back.

Are you okay?

No.

All right. Come on, jelly.

What, what is this? Why are you being nice to me?

Did Tom give you another shot?

No. Let's go make him give us both one.

Oh, my God. What a day!

My mind is spinning.

Do you think Laurie and Travis will ever happen?

How much longer will my dad be able to live on his own?

Dershwersher.

Babe, you don't get to know the answer to those things.

Life is open-ended. Like Inception, or for some of us, Grease.

I hate open endings.

Seriously?

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Hi, Uncle Jim.

Hello, Jules. How's it going?

Well, it's pretty good.

How's Travis? Is he still a bit of a shutterbug?

Oh, you know it. Yeah, he loves it. That's his major.

Good for him. Ha! Following his dreams.

Hey, can I tell you where I buried something?

I gotta get going.

I'm all out of porn.