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1
00:00:00,083 --> 00:00:03,917
Oh! It's noon.
First wine of the day. Mmm.
2
00:00:06,125 --> 00:00:07,166
Ellie!
3
00:00:10,166 --> 00:00:11,917
Mmm, thanks, boo.
4
00:00:13,041 --> 00:00:15,500
When you have a husband that's
been wrapped around your finger
5
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,667
since the day you met,
you can do things like that.
6
00:00:18,208 --> 00:00:19,250
And this.
7
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,458
Hello again.
8
00:00:26,625 --> 00:00:29,583
I'm sure Grayson pays attention
to you like that.
9
00:00:29,834 --> 00:00:31,208
Watch and learn, girlfriend.
10
00:00:35,375 --> 00:00:36,583
Grayson, where were you?
11
00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:39,542
I'm relaxing. Could you maybe not
pour wine on the counter?
12
00:00:39,792 --> 00:00:42,333
Could you maybe pretend that
you love me?
13
00:00:55,166 --> 00:00:56,500
Stop spilling wine!
14
00:00:56,709 --> 00:00:58,166
Stop not catching it!
15
00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:00,250
Amateurs.
16
00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:03,709
- Mmm.
- Really?
17
00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:12,041
Okay, I don't care
what you're doing to my island
18
00:01:12,125 --> 00:01:13,208
as long as it's consensual.
19
00:01:13,583 --> 00:01:17,458
{\an8}Wade is finally coming back
from Afghanistan tomorrow.
20
00:01:17,709 --> 00:01:21,291
{\an8}If I don't stretch it out,
I could sprain my snooze.
21
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,959
{\an8}I've heard you call it a sizzle,
a hoo, a Hot Pocket...
22
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,083
{\an8}Bonnie Hunt.
23
00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:27,375
{\an8}A No Country for Old Men.
24
00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:29,250
{\an8}- Woolly mammoth.
- The Hurt Locker.
25
00:01:29,458 --> 00:01:31,625
{\an8}Jelly is a vagina-thesaurus.
26
00:01:31,750 --> 00:01:33,166
{\an8}Oh. Thanks.
27
00:01:34,709 --> 00:01:37,083
{\an8}Vagina-saurus. Best dinosaur ever.
28
00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:38,500
{\an8}- Hey, Jules, good news.
- Hmm.
29
00:01:38,583 --> 00:01:40,959
{\an8}That couple from yesterday
wants to come back and see my house.
30
00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:43,458
{\an8}I think they might put down an offer.
31
00:01:43,709 --> 00:01:47,542
{\an8}New neighbours?
Why was I not asked to approve?
32
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:49,792
{\an8}You know how you hate everyone
and everything?
33
00:01:49,875 --> 00:01:51,291
{\an8}- Yes.
- That.
34
00:01:51,375 --> 00:01:52,417
{\an8}Got it.
35
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,542
{\an8}But, guys,
this new couple is gonna be perfect.
36
00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:56,500
{\an8}Except for, they are into healthy living.
37
00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:57,709
{\an8}- No.
- They're vegan.
38
00:01:57,917 --> 00:01:59,083
{\an8}- Hate that.
- What?
39
00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:00,291
{\an8}And actually they don't drink.
40
00:02:00,417 --> 00:02:01,542
{\an8}- I forbid it!
- No sale!
41
00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:02,709
{\an8}Yeah, screw those guys!
42
00:02:02,792 --> 00:02:06,625
{\an8}I mean, who needs their $226,000?
We don't!
43
00:02:06,917 --> 00:02:10,166
We don't!
44
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:11,333
{\an8}No, no, no, no, we do!
45
00:02:11,542 --> 00:02:13,000
{\an8}I knew that.
46
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,959
{\an8}What are we doing?
Wade comes home tomorrow
47
00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:19,083
{\an8}and I still have to sew, like,
three more sexy costumes.
48
00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:22,667
{\an8}Honey, cutting crotches out of pants
is not sewing.
49
00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:24,709
{\an8}Okay, you know how
I love those videos of
50
00:02:24,792 --> 00:02:26,417
{\an8}soldiers coming home to
surprise their families?
51
00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:27,542
{\an8}Totally.
52
00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:32,959
{\an8}Anyway, it turns out that
Wade's not coming home tomorrow.
53
00:02:33,083 --> 00:02:34,458
{\an8}- What?
- Surprise!
54
00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:36,417
{\an8}Oh!
55
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:37,667
{\an8}This wasn't turned on yet.
56
00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:38,917
{\an8}We're gonna have to do it again.
57
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,333
Oh, my God! Wade! Wade! Wade!
58
00:02:42,417 --> 00:02:43,583
Do it again. Do it again.
59
00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:46,500
- Are we really watching Pretty Woman?
- Shush it.
60
00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:48,667
He's about to close the necklace box
on her fingers.
61
00:02:51,375 --> 00:02:52,417
- Ooh!
- Oh!
62
00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:56,083
And boom! A star is born.
63
00:02:56,208 --> 00:02:59,041
{\an8}You guys don't actually like rom-coms,
do you?
64
00:02:59,166 --> 00:03:01,750
{\an8}I mean, they're all dumb clichés
and hacky meet-cutes.
65
00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:03,083
{\an8}No real couples ever meet like that.
66
00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:05,083
{\an8}Every great couple
has a meet-cute story.
67
00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:07,709
{\an8}Adam and Eve, Jay-Z and Beyoncé.
68
00:03:08,083 --> 00:03:10,625
{\an8}Oh! You and my mom.
Hey, wait, what was yours again?
69
00:03:10,834 --> 00:03:12,250
{\an8}She came over to borrow a plunger.
70
00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:15,458
{\an8}Wait, wait, wait. I wasn't ready.
Tell it again from the beginning.
71
00:03:15,542 --> 00:03:17,375
Oh, I had a great meet-cute with Trav.
72
00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:19,417
They pulled him out,
put him in my arms,
73
00:03:19,542 --> 00:03:21,291
but they forgot to tell me
how slippery he was.
74
00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:23,083
He kind of just got away from me.
75
00:03:23,208 --> 00:03:25,583
Hence, square head.
76
00:03:25,875 --> 00:03:27,166
Kills at parties.
77
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,875
{\an8}We just love the neighbourhood.
78
00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:33,709
What a great yoga yard!
79
00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,542
Tell me about it, sister.
80
00:03:35,625 --> 00:03:38,083
There is nothing that
I love more than yoga.
81
00:03:38,291 --> 00:03:40,458
We should meet every morning.
Make me stop.
82
00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,709
Hey, neighbour! Welcome to the 'sac!
83
00:03:45,417 --> 00:03:47,959
- Andy, put away Tobey Maguire.
- Oh.
84
00:03:48,291 --> 00:03:49,709
I hate that I know you named it that.
85
00:03:51,375 --> 00:03:52,917
Yo! I'm putting a militia together.
86
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,417
You sons o' bitches ready
to take the country back?
87
00:03:55,709 --> 00:03:59,709
Andy, are you coming?
I had to start without you.
88
00:03:59,875 --> 00:04:00,959
Oh!
89
00:04:01,333 --> 00:04:03,083
Are you two the new neighbours?
90
00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:06,250
Hot damn, you two have pretty mouths.
91
00:04:06,375 --> 00:04:09,208
Plus, with those bike shorts,
you can totally see what he's packing.
92
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,959
- Check it.
- Oh.
93
00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:12,959
Seriously?
94
00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:16,709
Oh! I think I sweated off
my birth-control patch.
95
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,291
- Baby, what is all over your head?
- Huh?
96
00:04:20,583 --> 00:04:22,291
Oh, it's just some of that drywall.
97
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:23,709
Oh.
98
00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:25,291
Sorry.
99
00:04:27,917 --> 00:04:29,542
So, when are you going back
to Minnesota?
100
00:04:29,625 --> 00:04:32,583
I'm sure your family and all
your buddies really wanna see you.
101
00:04:32,709 --> 00:04:33,834
Oh, I'm back for good.
102
00:04:34,417 --> 00:04:36,625
I just wanna spend as much time
with you as I can.
103
00:04:37,041 --> 00:04:39,375
How long do I get to keep you here
in Florida?
104
00:04:39,834 --> 00:04:43,208
Oh, I don't know.
Till, uh, question mark?
105
00:04:49,959 --> 00:04:51,709
- Oh, uh, what was that?
- No, I'm good.
106
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:52,875
- You good?
- I'm good.
107
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,458
- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah.
108
00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:59,667
All right, everybody,
empty your pockets right now.
109
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:01,959
Come on, you're gonna pay me back
110
00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:04,417
every cent
you just lost me on that house. Let's go.
111
00:05:05,667 --> 00:05:10,750
I got 20, 51 dollars and a...
112
00:05:10,917 --> 00:05:12,208
That's my treasure map.
113
00:05:12,333 --> 00:05:15,500
For the 100th time,
that is a menu from Long John Silver's.
114
00:05:16,291 --> 00:05:18,959
Maybe we should all
apologise to Grayson.
115
00:05:19,792 --> 00:05:21,000
I'm sorry, babe.
116
00:05:21,083 --> 00:05:22,875
- Sorry, babe.
- Sorry, G-man.
117
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:27,041
They were wearing spandex shorts.
I do not apologise.
118
00:05:27,250 --> 00:05:29,250
Those people could've turned out
to be great.
119
00:05:29,792 --> 00:05:32,500
We can't choose our neighbours
on first impressions.
120
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:35,750
I mean, if you had done that,
none of us would be here right now.
121
00:05:35,834 --> 00:05:38,834
When Jules and Bobby the Cable Guy
here tried to buy this house,
122
00:05:38,917 --> 00:05:40,125
I was not thrilled.
123
00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:42,208
What was so awful about Jules?
124
00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:45,959
- Peanut!
- You got it, hot lips.
125
00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:47,875
Mmm.
126
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:51,917
Oh, baby! It's perfect!
127
00:05:54,542 --> 00:05:56,542
Oh, my God. Rednecks.
128
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:57,875
Hey, lady!
129
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,834
Oh, I don't want that.
130
00:06:01,750 --> 00:06:04,041
Man, I can't wait to hear this story.
131
00:06:04,291 --> 00:06:05,875
You were there, you hillbilly.
132
00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:09,000
Yeah, but my memory's a little shaky
ever since the, uh...
133
00:06:10,125 --> 00:06:11,750
I can't remember.
134
00:06:11,834 --> 00:06:15,291
When I need to jog my memory,
I just jolt my brain like this.
135
00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:19,166
That, plus that, equals me.
136
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,792
I wanna know how
you two ever became friends.
137
00:06:21,875 --> 00:06:23,166
I mean, you're like
a lovable little puppy.
138
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:24,375
Ooh!
139
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,458
And you're like a lady
who eats puppies.
140
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,458
Is it weird that that makes me hungry?
141
00:06:29,542 --> 00:06:31,041
Sweetie, I would love...
142
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,375
A burger and fries. On it!
143
00:06:37,709 --> 00:06:40,333
Man, you should've seen J-Bird
back in the day.
144
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:43,834
Believe it or not,
we were a bit on the white-trash side.
145
00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:45,792
Can you please not talk about that?
146
00:06:45,917 --> 00:06:47,583
I mean, I'm not like that any more.
147
00:06:47,792 --> 00:06:50,250
Your past is who you are.
You have to own it.
148
00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:51,375
I mean, look at you.
149
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:57,333
What? It feels good.
150
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,208
Wait! Wait up!
151
00:06:59,792 --> 00:07:02,375
Hi, I'm Jules! You can call me J-Bird.
152
00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:03,500
No, thank you.
153
00:07:03,583 --> 00:07:04,625
This is my husband.
154
00:07:04,709 --> 00:07:07,500
Reginald Buttfart the Third.
155
00:07:07,583 --> 00:07:09,208
Joking! Name's Bobby Cobb!
156
00:07:09,417 --> 00:07:11,458
Are you two from Planet NASCAR?
157
00:07:11,667 --> 00:07:14,583
Oh, that is a nice suit.
Are you a weather girl?
158
00:07:14,750 --> 00:07:16,041
- I'm a lawyer.
- Ooh.
159
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,291
A girl lawyer? Wow!
That sounds like a TV show.
160
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:23,375
"We gotta shake up this case.
Bring in Girl Lawyer!"
161
00:07:23,458 --> 00:07:26,166
Yeah, man!
It's like Matlock with knockers.
162
00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:29,291
Hey, so, we really love this house.
You know who's selling it?
163
00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:31,750
- Actually, Andy and I are.
- Well, that's great!
164
00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:34,375
We're gonna be girlfriends, girlfriend!
165
00:07:34,458 --> 00:07:37,333
Me and you just tanning our cheeks
on the front lawn together.
166
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:38,667
I don't tan cheeks.
167
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:41,709
Oh, honey, no man wants to tap
a white ass.
168
00:07:42,041 --> 00:07:43,625
Thank you for that tip.
169
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,667
Oh, wait, wait. Do you know
where this Andy fella is?
170
00:07:45,792 --> 00:07:46,834
He's up there.
171
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,583
- Heaven?
- Space?
172
00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:50,542
On the roof.
173
00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:52,583
Well,
that was on the tip of my tongue.
174
00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:54,417
Well, I want you on the tip of my tongue.
175
00:07:54,709 --> 00:07:56,166
Come here, baby!
176
00:07:56,959 --> 00:07:58,041
Wait a second.
177
00:07:58,542 --> 00:08:00,917
If Ellie didn't like you,
why did she agree to sell?
178
00:08:01,417 --> 00:08:02,667
She didn't.
179
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,625
Whoa! Ahhh!
180
00:08:10,875 --> 00:08:12,041
Hey, you.
181
00:08:12,417 --> 00:08:13,792
Hey.
182
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,333
And that's what we call a meet-cute.
183
00:08:16,625 --> 00:08:18,542
Get some friends your own age.
184
00:08:25,041 --> 00:08:28,500
Can I get you two anything?
Water, beers, a tub of spermicide?
185
00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:31,125
I'll be right back, okay?
I'm gonna call Mom.
186
00:08:31,208 --> 00:08:33,709
Okay. Hurry back, baby.
187
00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:37,083
- Did that hurt?
- Yes.
188
00:08:38,792 --> 00:08:41,375
Andy, I can't do this.
189
00:08:41,458 --> 00:08:42,542
Ow.
190
00:08:44,208 --> 00:08:46,500
I don't think that
Wade's ever going home.
191
00:08:46,709 --> 00:08:49,625
Good, it'd be nice not being
the only minority around here.
192
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,500
Oh, right, you're Hispanic.
I always forget that.
193
00:08:54,583 --> 00:08:55,625
Yeah, me, too.
194
00:08:55,750 --> 00:09:00,250
Andy, Wade said he's planning to stay
until question mark.
195
00:09:00,709 --> 00:09:04,333
When I'm at a party until question mark,
it means I'm never leaving.
196
00:09:04,417 --> 00:09:07,750
Once, I was at a rave so long that
I forgot my own name, shaved my head,
197
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:09,792
and everyone started calling me Sasha.
198
00:09:09,875 --> 00:09:12,792
Turns out I was actually in a cult.
They're fun guys.
199
00:09:13,166 --> 00:09:14,709
They're all dead now. Hmm.
200
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:19,208
Welcome to your new home, Trav.
Golf Heaven, Florida.
201
00:09:19,291 --> 00:09:21,000
It's Gulfhaven, Bobby.
202
00:09:21,291 --> 00:09:23,583
Oh, look!
It's Girl Lawyer.
203
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,166
Watch me make friends.
204
00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:27,083
Yeah,
but I need those briefs today.
205
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:30,542
Well, I'll try, but I am swamped with
other law stuff.
206
00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:33,000
Okay, uh,
let's skip the motion to dismiss
207
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,792
and just move for
summary judgement now.
208
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,500
Oh, that sounds like a good idea.
209
00:09:36,583 --> 00:09:38,917
I hear Judge Wapner's in a crap mood.
210
00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:40,125
I'm on the phone!
211
00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:41,750
Well, that's what makes it funny.
212
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:42,917
I'll call you back.
213
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,750
Tonight's our first night
in the new house.
214
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:47,208
What do you say, you and Andy
come over for dinner?
215
00:09:47,291 --> 00:09:48,625
I'll cook you something real nice.
216
00:09:48,709 --> 00:09:51,375
- Squirrel?
- Don't be ridiculous. It's summer.
217
00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:55,291
- What do you say?
- Oh, I get it.
218
00:09:55,375 --> 00:10:00,166
You're the lonely, needy girl who
pushes her way into people's lives.
219
00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:01,291
So sad.
220
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:05,625
Have a great day, y'all. Her-dee-der.
221
00:10:05,709 --> 00:10:07,333
Yeah! Her-dee-der!
222
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:10,250
I am not needy!
223
00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:13,083
I'm gonna make that pale-assed
icy bitch love me
224
00:10:13,166 --> 00:10:15,959
whether she likes it or not.
225
00:10:16,041 --> 00:10:17,208
Wait, where's Travis?
226
00:10:32,125 --> 00:10:33,166
Drink up, bitch!
227
00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:36,583
- Whoa.
- Ugh!
228
00:10:36,917 --> 00:10:37,959
What?
229
00:10:38,041 --> 00:10:40,625
You never seen cousins fountain fight
over a Jeff Gordon sweat rag?
230
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,917
Catch you later, cutie.
231
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:48,667
Even you and Laurie had a meet-cute?
232
00:10:48,959 --> 00:10:50,667
If you're asking if
we had a moment in which
233
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,000
destiny itself reached down
and tapped us on the shoulder
234
00:10:53,125 --> 00:10:55,709
as if to say,
"You could one day end up together,"
235
00:10:55,792 --> 00:10:57,458
then the answer is, yes,
236
00:10:57,542 --> 00:11:00,291
we had that moment
and, no, you did not.
237
00:11:00,625 --> 00:11:03,208
Oh, honey, did you not tell them about
our plunger story?
238
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:11,583
I was gone for 30 seconds.
239
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:13,208
There were two burgers
and fries in there.
240
00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:15,959
I eat when I'm freaked, okay?
241
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,625
I love Wade, but until yesterday
he was just a long disty.
242
00:11:19,709 --> 00:11:21,375
And, yes, I maybe told him that
243
00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:24,000
I wanted to have beautiful, half-black,
naturally blonde babies with him,
244
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:27,166
but that doesn't mean that
I'm ready for things to be super-serious.
245
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:30,458
I really think that
he and I need to slow things down.
246
00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:32,041
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
247
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:34,166
You two have been taking it slow
for over a year.
248
00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:36,166
And now he's home
and he's probably looking to see if
249
00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:37,917
this is gonna be something real.
250
00:11:38,458 --> 00:11:41,166
Laurie, you're either on that train
with him, or you're not.
251
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:42,792
Maybe he's not totally on it.
252
00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:46,792
Maybe he wants to slow the train down,
too, you know?
253
00:11:46,875 --> 00:11:48,375
- Hey, sorry.
- Oh, hi, hi!
254
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:49,834
Hey, um, Mom won't let me
get off the phone
255
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,750
until I tell you you're
invited for Easter.
256
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:53,333
Oh, that's so sweet!
257
00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:56,041
Yeah! All aboard!
258
00:11:59,959 --> 00:12:02,709
Hi. I'm not much of a wine gal,
259
00:12:02,792 --> 00:12:06,417
but this guy I met downtown told me
this stuff is perfect for making friends.
260
00:12:06,709 --> 00:12:07,750
What do you say?
261
00:12:09,417 --> 00:12:10,834
Ow!
262
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,959
Why would you put your foot in the door
if you're not wearing shoes?
263
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:15,834
It seems dumb now.
264
00:12:16,542 --> 00:12:18,583
Oh, yeah, this toenail's a goner.
265
00:12:18,792 --> 00:12:21,041
Are you comfortable there?
Do you need a banjo?
266
00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:23,375
Great, more redneck jokes.
267
00:12:24,375 --> 00:12:28,166
So, tell me about you and Andy.
How long have you two been married?
268
00:12:28,417 --> 00:12:29,792
- We're not married.
- Oh.
269
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,083
Is he gay?
270
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,583
I'm not talking to you about this.
271
00:12:32,792 --> 00:12:33,875
Are you gay?
272
00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:35,959
Well, you dress like a boy.
273
00:12:36,542 --> 00:12:38,792
I've died and this is my hell.
274
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:41,417
Well, why aren't you two married?
What, doesn't he love you?
275
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:44,667
Yes. I don't know. Maybe.
276
00:12:45,166 --> 00:12:46,417
Here it comes.
277
00:12:46,625 --> 00:12:49,333
I love that hairy, little,
bald guy so much.
278
00:12:49,417 --> 00:12:52,625
But we've been together for three years,
he still hasn't pulled the trigger.
279
00:12:52,959 --> 00:12:55,583
He's got me
wrapped around his finger, J-Bird.
280
00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,291
What if he never asks?
281
00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:02,417
What did I do?
282
00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:10,417
Promise me,
you'll never tell anyone this.
283
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:12,458
I promise.
284
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:16,125
Right. Shoot.
285
00:13:18,375 --> 00:13:21,375
Let's start with the bad thing I did.
I told your secret.
286
00:13:21,542 --> 00:13:24,291
But the great thing, I kept it for years!
287
00:13:24,625 --> 00:13:26,417
The only secret I kept longer
288
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,792
was the one about Travis
and his second grade girlfriend.
289
00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:33,834
This blonde gal named Erin,
who, turns out, wasn't a girl.
290
00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:36,208
I'm not kidding. They actually kissed.
291
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,834
I just don't know why you're so upset.
292
00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:44,333
Because, when we met,
I was a successful attorney.
293
00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:47,458
Jules, I used to make judges cry.
They called me Tiger Bitch.
294
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:48,875
Grayson still does.
295
00:13:49,417 --> 00:13:52,875
Now, the one thing that
makes me feel good about myself is that
296
00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:56,834
I have a husband who has
worshipped me since the day we met.
297
00:13:57,333 --> 00:13:58,917
I feel embarrassed now that
298
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,166
everybody knows that
that wasn't always the case.
299
00:14:03,792 --> 00:14:05,000
I'm sorry.
300
00:14:05,375 --> 00:14:06,667
It's okay.
301
00:14:07,417 --> 00:14:10,875
Question. Does Travis know
that Erin was a boy?
302
00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:12,625
Don't ever tell him.
303
00:14:13,542 --> 00:14:16,667
And when I got to
the other end of that spaghetti string,
304
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,125
there he was.
305
00:14:20,417 --> 00:14:21,959
The ultimate meet-cute.
306
00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:24,750
So you're claiming
you went to an Italian restaurant,
307
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:28,500
didn't realise that they also sat
a 300-pound animal at your table,
308
00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:31,125
and then,
you and this dog also picked up
309
00:14:31,208 --> 00:14:32,875
the opposite ends of the same noodle,
310
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,333
and continued to slurp until
your lips met.
311
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:36,458
Sounds real to me.
312
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,917
I mean, that's why
they became best friends.
313
00:14:38,417 --> 00:14:42,250
The idea that there is such a thing as
a spontaneous magical moment
314
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:45,417
where two people lock eyes
and have an instant connection
315
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,667
is stupid and fake, and...
316
00:14:48,750 --> 00:14:52,125
Damn it, why couldn't I have had
a moment like that with Jules?
317
00:14:53,875 --> 00:14:56,083
- Told you this would be fun.
- Yeah.
318
00:14:58,417 --> 00:15:00,041
No, Mom, Laurie eats ham.
319
00:15:00,875 --> 00:15:03,458
Okay, no, you don't have to make
anything special.
320
00:15:03,542 --> 00:15:06,959
If Wade stays in Florida,
it's just to be with me.
321
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:10,417
- That's too much pressure.
- I like Wade.
322
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,291
He corrected my Dougie.
323
00:15:12,375 --> 00:15:14,375
I was putting
way too much elbow into it.
324
00:15:14,542 --> 00:15:17,166
- Yeah, he's a really good dancer.
- Yeah, really good.
325
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,709
But, Andy, what's next? Marriage?
326
00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:22,041
I'm used to having my own space.
327
00:15:22,125 --> 00:15:25,000
And his bags are
just sitting there in my living room,
328
00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:27,709
all piled up, waiting to be unpacked.
329
00:15:27,792 --> 00:15:29,625
It's literally my worst nightmare.
330
00:15:29,917 --> 00:15:32,750
My worst nightmare is
cats walking on two legs.
331
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:35,333
It's just like...
332
00:15:35,417 --> 00:15:36,500
What are you doing?
333
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:39,458
Look, letting Wade into your life
is a big risk.
334
00:15:39,542 --> 00:15:41,917
But give it a shot. I mean, if it doesn't
feel right, then bail,
335
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,417
but don't miss out
just because you're scared.
336
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,458
Trust me. I almost made that mistake.
337
00:15:47,583 --> 00:15:50,208
Hey, you think
I can get this penny in that can?
338
00:15:57,417 --> 00:15:58,917
Damn! What should we call it?
339
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,375
Penny Toss! Hmm...
340
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,750
Nah.
Let's keep thinking.
341
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:09,083
Hey, are you gonna ask Ellie
to marry you or what?
342
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:10,333
Uh, is she serious?
343
00:16:11,083 --> 00:16:12,166
Well?
344
00:16:12,291 --> 00:16:16,083
Look, lady I just met, Ellie's great,
but I still have questions.
345
00:16:16,291 --> 00:16:19,000
I mean, is she the one?
Will she be a good mom?
346
00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:23,750
Is she only with me because her mom,
and I quote, "Hates the ethnics"?
347
00:16:24,625 --> 00:16:27,959
Look, I get that Ellie is difficult.
I mean, she can be downright nasty.
348
00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,333
- Abrasive. Contentious.
- Horrible.
349
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:31,917
- Spiteful.
- Grisly.
350
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,458
- Vile.
- Snake-like.
351
00:16:33,542 --> 00:16:35,458
We're running out of different ways
to say mean.
352
00:16:35,917 --> 00:16:37,000
But I do love her.
353
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,542
So you're just scared.
354
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:43,375
Well, not cat-walking-on-two-legs
scared, but, yeah.
355
00:16:43,875 --> 00:16:46,458
She's a bitch! That's a good one.
356
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,291
We're done with that.
357
00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:51,667
Okay, you need to sack up
before you lose Ellie forever.
358
00:16:54,917 --> 00:16:56,000
Jules!
359
00:16:57,208 --> 00:17:00,542
Cool! It's like I work at Taco Bell!
What's up?
360
00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,792
I just wanted to say,
361
00:17:02,875 --> 00:17:05,750
look at my ring, my ring, my ring.
362
00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:07,000
He proposed!
363
00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:08,750
Get over here and let me see that thing!
364
00:17:11,375 --> 00:17:12,917
I'm sorry I just screamed in your face.
365
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,917
I get that a lot.
366
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,333
The name's Tom.
I, uh, live across the street.
367
00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:21,250
Before you say what
we're both thinking, I'm married.
368
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,125
But I'm kind of digging this flirty thing
we got going.
369
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:27,041
Sort of a,
"Will they or won't they?" vibe.
370
00:17:27,625 --> 00:17:28,959
We're gonna have fun with this.
371
00:17:29,083 --> 00:17:31,375
Okay, well, I'm not sure
what you're talking about,
372
00:17:31,458 --> 00:17:33,041
but it was nice to meet you.
373
00:17:33,125 --> 00:17:34,417
You pop in anytime you want.
374
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:37,375
Oh, you'd like that. Dirty-bird.
375
00:17:38,375 --> 00:17:39,417
What?
376
00:17:40,917 --> 00:17:43,542
My goodness, that rock is huge!
377
00:17:44,041 --> 00:17:46,083
Mine's half the size, and it's fake.
378
00:17:46,291 --> 00:17:47,917
Ah, I thought we could finally drink this.
379
00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:49,792
Does this mean what I think it means?
380
00:17:49,875 --> 00:17:51,125
We're friends, aren't we?
381
00:17:51,458 --> 00:17:52,917
Let's get matching toe rings.
382
00:17:53,083 --> 00:17:55,458
Not unless we're forced to at gunpoint.
383
00:17:57,041 --> 00:17:58,333
There you go.
384
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:02,792
- Bring it in.
- Oh, I don't...
385
00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:05,125
- Oh, come on.
- That's not my...
386
00:18:05,208 --> 00:18:07,250
Oh. Oh...
387
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:09,792
I'm not gonna let go till you hug me.
388
00:18:10,041 --> 00:18:11,250
Wow, you're annoying.
389
00:18:11,542 --> 00:18:13,875
I know.
But I'll always have your back.
390
00:18:14,125 --> 00:18:15,959
And I'm more loyal than I am mean.
391
00:18:16,041 --> 00:18:17,125
Oh.
392
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:19,959
- Well, you're real loyal, aren't you?
- Yeah.
393
00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:21,458
Okay.
394
00:18:21,917 --> 00:18:23,583
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
395
00:18:24,417 --> 00:18:25,583
Mmm.
396
00:18:25,875 --> 00:18:27,333
I love this stuff.
397
00:18:27,542 --> 00:18:29,875
I need a bigger glass. Mmm.
398
00:18:30,291 --> 00:18:33,083
- And we sip it.
- Mmm. I don't!
399
00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:34,250
Wow.
400
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,291
I'm so glad we found each other.
The cracker and the bitch.
401
00:18:39,625 --> 00:18:42,959
It's like what you said.
Our past is who we are.
402
00:18:43,917 --> 00:18:45,166
We have to own it.
403
00:18:53,917 --> 00:18:55,083
Go.
404
00:18:55,291 --> 00:18:57,125
- Do I have to?
- Yes.
405
00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:04,542
Since the day we met,
406
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:06,750
I always thought
you were too good for me.
407
00:19:07,041 --> 00:19:08,125
I love you.
408
00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:10,291
Laurie ate your burger.
409
00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:13,083
And then I ordered you another burger,
410
00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:14,333
and I ate that burger.
411
00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:16,875
It's okay.
412
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:27,625
Hey.
413
00:19:28,875 --> 00:19:29,959
What are you doing?
414
00:19:30,291 --> 00:19:32,417
I'm just trying to get my stuff
out of your way.
415
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,500
I tell you what.
416
00:19:35,959 --> 00:19:37,583
Why don't we go unpack them?
417
00:19:37,792 --> 00:19:39,750
- Really?
- Yeah.
418
00:19:40,041 --> 00:19:41,417
I can find some room.
419
00:19:44,041 --> 00:19:45,125
Hey, do you ever wish
420
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:48,000
we had a cute, magical story about
how we met?
421
00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:52,834
Sweetie, I wouldn't change a thing.
422
00:19:56,959 --> 00:19:58,083
Ah!
423
00:19:58,291 --> 00:20:00,250
- Oh, I'm so sorry!
- Sorry.
424
00:20:00,542 --> 00:20:03,417
Oh, my goodness. I've just...
I've been so scattered lately.
425
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:06,375
I've been trying to win over
this neighbour of mine.
426
00:20:06,458 --> 00:20:10,583
I mean, she's a pretty sophisticated gal,
and, well, I'm not. So...
427
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,250
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
428
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:15,000
Uh, you know what?
Why don't you take this?
429
00:20:15,166 --> 00:20:16,583
It's great for making friends.
430
00:20:16,917 --> 00:20:18,625
Okay. Thanks.
431
00:20:34,750 --> 00:20:35,917
{\an8}Travis?
432
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:37,667
{\an8}Hi.
433
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,166
{\an8}I'm sorry,
I'm not sure how we know each other.
434
00:20:41,625 --> 00:20:44,917
{\an8}It's me, Erin.
We were in second grade together.
435
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:51,333
{\an8}- Great seeing you, man.
- You, too, dude.
32809
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