Original subtitles

Oh, you're doing so good.

- No. no, he's not. - Not... not really.

- Harris, I'm open! - Let's go, baby!

You almost touched it!

Um...

It's really cool of you guys

to come out for the playoff game.

I realize I'm not the greatest skater in the world.

Oh, stop it. you look amazing out there.

Is this why Travis thinks he's so handsome?

Yep. that's all me.

Game on!

I'm having a thought.

If evolution is real,

wouldn't we have wheels on our feet by now?

Jellybean, you are the verbal equivalent

of huffing paint.

Oh!

Oh, please.

Not the face. Not the face.

Hi. Oh, honey. Let me see.

Unh-unh.

I'm your wife.

I will love you no matter what you look like.

I don't think I can love that.

Oh my God.

Honey, you awake?

I can't sleep either.

At least I have some company.

Hey, why don't we stay up all night

and make it like a slumber party?

We can watch tv

and, oh, we can look through my old yearbook.

Ah. What do you say?

Sounds like a "yes" to me.

Oh, see this guy?

Chris Jones?

I totally let him feel me up,

and all he wrote was, "Keep in touch. Ha ha."

I'm glad he died.

No, no, no. The slumber party's just starting.

Come on, dude.

Come on.

Oh.

Stupid painkillers.

Uh...

What?

I didn't sleep.

It's still last night for me. I can drink.

Anna Nicole Smith lived and died by that rule.

Honey, if you can't sleep, just take a sleeping pill.

I'm not a fan of taking drugs like that.

You know, people who have to self-medicate,

They're probably just hiding from a bigger issue.

Hmm. Probably.

Plus, I just don't like the idea

of altering my brain.

I like to stay sharp.

Oh, God.

These heels are tricky.

Don't be self-conscious.

You look...

Help me out here, guys.

- Nasty. - Steve Buscemi.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Okay.

The doctor said we can't kiss for a week.

so we have to high five.

Valentine's Day is screwed.

At least you'll be together.

I'll be on my iPad waiting for Wade.

I mean, literally, I'm gonna be sitting on my iPad.

I want it to be the first thing he sees when he logs on.

Two years at war...

That'll be the image that haunts him.

She put a little foam heart on your latte.

Why couldn't you say "thanks for the extra effort"?

Yeah, that's not really the type of thing I say.

There is a fun game:

Things Ellie would never say.

"I just want to make you happy."

"Tell me more about your kids."

"I'll help you move."

"I would love to see your wedding video."

"Can I drive you To the airport?"

- "I'm wrong." - "I don't mind waiting in line."

"I love Valentine's Day."

You lose, Jelly.

I do love Valentine's Day,

'cause Andy always gets me the most fabulous present.

I got you something so fantastic this year,

mark my words, you're gonna say

it is the best gift you have ever been given.

Yay!

And what do you give him?

I mean, other than his really low self-esteem.

Every year, I give him a sex coupon,

which he can redeem whenever he chooses.

Luckily for me, He always loses them.

Yeah.

Or do I? Pow!

I've been saving these up for ten years.

Yay!

I'm cashing them all in over the next three days,

culminating in a Valentine's Day sex-travaganza.

Look at her shake.

It's like when your foster dad

goes to the fridge for another beer,

but you know he drank the last one ten minutes ago.

Whoa.

We got a runner.

I know where she lives.

What you up to tonight, T-bone?

Trying to romance this girl

I met at the film society screening of Alien.

Total sci-fi chick.

But I'm not sure if she's into me,

so I'm gonna take a big swing and actually create

an alternate galaxy in my apartment.

You know, put planets, stars, up on the green screen.

See what happens.

That reminds me of the time I did none of that

and still got laid.

Nice face.

Gee.

Oh! G-man, I want to give you your Valentine's Day gift early.

You know, when Jules isn't sleeping, she can get pissy.

So I figured you could use it now.

"The Jules Rules"?

It's a book I compiled Of tips and how-tos

for handling any situation with J-bird.

You've got chapters in here

that will help you out if you forget her birthday

or if you come home late.

Here's a little taste.

"Tip 16:

if Jules flies off the handle for no reason,

distract her with shoe talk."

"Tip number 37:

Jules thinks doggy style Is a way of preparing eggs.

Do not correct her.

It is funny."

Well, this is very helpful. Thank you.

But I didn't get you anything because,

well, men don't get other men Valentine's Day gifts.

Bobby, the sweater's perfect. I can't stop smiling.

Happy V-Day, buddy.

And I'm already using the bath oils.

Oh. Summer breeze.

- Oh, I can smell it. - Yeah.

Hey. I was wondering where you went.

You found me.

Now you go hide, And I'll find you.

Just for that...

We're sitting sidesaddle.

She'll take that to go.

It's sex o'clock.

I got a blanket, some Gatorade, and a shady parking spot.

Oh, but I just had a bowl of chili.

Yeah, so did I. Let's get crazy.

Wow.

One down. nine to go. Have fun.

I'm going to crush sleep tonight.

I was thinking having sex Might help, but...

Doing it without kissing would make me feel like a pro,

and that does not relax me.

It gets me all excited.

Filed away for a later date?

Where's my eye mask?

Oh, great.

What am I supposed to do, just put my hair over my eyes?

Oh, this stupid haircut!

If Jules flies off the handle,

distract her with shoe talk.

I really like Your slippers.

I know, right?

They look like suede, but nope.

They're just terry cloth.

Oh, they're so soft.

Oh.

Found it.

Ah. good night, sweetie.

I may sleep forever.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, sometimes I just come here to think.

What's on your mind? I'll jump right in.

Do you think you can invent a new smell

or do you think all the smells are already out there

and we just need to discover them?

I wonder who else Is awake.

Are you ready for a close encounter

of the Travis kind?

Is this a bad time?

Mom?

Oh, God! Ah!

These harnesses were a bad idea.

You cannot come to my apartment at 3:00 in the morning.

You gotta get some sleep.

So he created a whole imaginary space world for her?

Yeah. His play dates haven't changed much since he was little.

Oh, my God. It's so nice to be anywhere

Without a Cuban man climbing all over me.

Been there.

When?

Jules, can I tell you why I think

you should just go ahead and take a sleeping pill?

Please. I care about your opinion.

Oh, things that Ellie would never say.

Well played.

Bottom line, The pills work.

Sure, sometimes you do crazy stuff while you sleep.

One time, I woke up on a plane to Phoenix.

But, you know, I rolled with it and lived there for a year.

- It really is a dry heat. - Really?

Yeah. Would my hair look pretty there?

- Amazing. - I'm not gonna take a pill!

My mom is very susceptible to peer pressure. Shall we?

- You should totally take it. - Do it.

- Come on. - It's a little pill.

- Do it. - It's really...

And it doesn't matter. It'll make you cool.

Will it really make me cool?

- Yes. - Yeah.

All right. I'll take one tonight.

There you are, my love.

I'm here with all my friends.

Come on. It'll be fun.

- It won't. - Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

Honey, the pharmacy said that my sleeping pills

wouldn't be ready for another 20 minutes.

So could you pick 'em up for me?

Sure. but I don't need your insurance card.

I'll just memorize your policy number.

Never mind. I'll get 'em myself.

Bye, guys.

"Tip 103:

If Jules asks you to do a menial task,

tell her something that makes her think

You're gonna screw it up."

This notebook is amazing, Bobby.

I can only express How I feel right now

By using a metaphor.

You ever make a gift for somebody,

and they just love it?

Not a metaphor, Dad. That's exactly what happened.

Even better. Adios.

I am impressed, Grayson.

Most guys wouldn't be able to admit

that they need another man's help to make their marriage work.

What?

Whiskey, please.

I'm starting to despise my husband.

Well, hate sex can be awesome.

Did you learn that from every guy who's ever slept with you?

Still got it even though I'm dead inside.

Ah.

I can't believe I'm gonna try this.

Shouldn't the shades be down?

I mean, cops can see in here.

It's a sleeping pill, Jules, not heroin.

I totally respect that you think about what a pill is

before you put it in your body.

I've never done that.

I feel weird.

Well, that makes sense because it's been one second.

Don't make fun of me. I'm not good at being a druggie.

Hmm.

Suddenly this water tastes amazing.

And cue the paranoia in three, two...

Why are you counting down? What's gonna happen?

What if I can't sleep?

Hey. What are you doing?

No one was here, so I cooked a chicken.

Those two thoughts don't connect.

That pill knocked Jules out.

If you read the chapter on romance,

Then you know after a long sleep,

Jules can get a little rAndy.

Would it be appropriate to talk about the positions

that she enjoys?

- No. - Understood.

If you're curious later, this here's a stick-figure flip-book

I made of her favorite move.

Whoo! Look at him go!

I can handle my own relationship.

In fact,

I don't need this.

Well, I just figured it'd be easier

to take care of the car if you had the manual.

Yeah, but, Bobby, you wrote that while you were married,

and that didn't turn out so great, did it?

Sure.

No problem.

You have, uh, something in your ear.

Oh. and now... It's two.

Please no. No part of me Is gonna enjoy this.

I've shut down.

So you will be having sex with an inanimate object

that feels nothing towards you.

Cool. You wanna go bedroom again

or you do you wanna try the couch?

Wow.

What do you want?

He'll never look for me here.

Dummy.

I think I slept, but I still feel totally strung out.

Anybody in the mood For some eggs doggy style?

Why do you guys all look so tired?

You don't remember anything from last night, do you?

No. Why? What happened?

Well...

Jules?

What are you doing?

I'm trying to close... The Tomato cage.

- Peanut butter? - No.

Ow.

What are you doing?

It's, like, 3:00 a.m.

The ocean is so pretty today.

Hey! Take off your bikini, and let's do it in the sand.

None of us slept at all.

Oh my God. I am so sorry.

You didn't have sex with me, did you?

No.

Okay.

No, no, no. More herky-jerky.

Plus, you gotta make a face

like you got hit with a shovel.

It's not funny.

Well, of course it's not funny, Jules.

It's the Tomato cage dance.

Sleeping pills are out, but i've gotta get some sleep.

I mean, look at my hands.

They aren't shaking.

I said look at my hands.

They're the hands of a 90-year-old bricklayer.

But your hands always look like...

Don't finish that sentence.

My hands look old because I haven't slept.

- Yes. Yes, yes, yes. - Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure. Yeah.

Sleepy hands.

I gotta go to work, babe.

Hmm.

Love you. Love you.

And it seems my wife has run away.

No, no, no. You and Tom are staying.

You're my think tank.

How can I get some sleep?

- Go. - Meditation.

- Dumb. next. - Hot tea.

Hot tea?

What, you're bringing that weak-ass crap to the table?

Read a good book.

Have we met?

If I really need to crash,

Sometimes the best thing Is, uh, angry, aggressive...

Let's call it self-love.

Looks like Tom blew up the think tank.

Hey, why'd you give my Dad his gift back?

I don't need him telling me how to handle my relationship,

Giving me stupid stick-figure flip-books.

Those flip-books are how he teaches people things.

I mean, I still have the one he used

to show me how to put on a condom.

I got my own problems.

Like, look, if my face doesn't heal up,

I'm gonna have to work on my personality.

- Bummer. - No kidding.

So forgive me if I don't want a book that your dad wrote about Jules

- while they were married. - You don't get it.

He didn't write it while they were still together.

He wrote it after they split

so if he ever got a second chance,

he wouldn't screw it up again.

I didn't think he'd ever give it to someone else,

But he must...

Think of you as a really close friend.

Jelly, your DVR has nothing on it

except reality shows about cupcake contests

and people who are too fat to leave their house.

You know there's actually a show that's about both?

It's called "Fatty cakes," and at the end,

the winner gets airlifted to her new bakery.

Holy crap. I have to see that.

Not that I don't love having you here. I don't.

But why can't you go home to Andy?

We've already had sex four times

In the last day and a half.

You don't think that's a blast?

Just having sex over and over and over

to make your man happy?

I don't.

But in my defense, I had a dad who loved me.

I just think it's amazing that after all these years

Andy still wants to grind nasties all the time.

You know, I really hope that I have that someday.

Well, thanks, Jelly.

You're all right.

Things Ellie would never say.

That might be the best one yet.

All right.

Prepare to cry.

♪ Fatty Cakes ♪

Oh. what the...

Oh.

I'm so sick of not being able To kiss you.

Well, if you can't sleep tonight,

just wake me up, and I'll keep you company.

No need.

I've decided to embrace Not being able to sleep.

I can finish my work, exercise more.

Well, I hope you get some sleep tonight.

I don't. I'm doubling down on life.

- Hey, can't! - Oh.

- Hey. - Hey.

It's four bedrooms, three baths,

and you should definitely see it before anyone else does.

Oh. it's, uh, 4:15. Why?

Oh.

Ugh!

Morning.

Hi. I forgot you lived here.

Don't be mad. I know I shouldn't have left.

I'm just not a have-sex-constantly type of girl.

I'm a more have-sex-occasionally-

and-if-it's-the-right-time-of-day-

and-if-you-haven't-made- the-mistake-of-asking-me-for-it

type of girl.

Andy...

I just want you to be happy.

Things Ellie never says.

True, But I'm saying it now.

I feel really lucky to have a husband

who's as crazy for me now as the day we met.

Do you have to go to work? Should we run upstairs?

Well, it's Valentine's Day,

so why don't you open your present first?

Oh.

Are these your last six coupons?

Yep!

And what did I say you'd say?

This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten.

Are all of them in here, for sure?

Yeah.

What?

Oh, yes, they are.

Hey.

Hey, man.

I brought some beers if you want to wash down that chicken.

Oh, thanks, man, but...

I already washed it down after I dropped it

climbing up the ladder. You want a wing?

No, I'll pass.

Ah.

You know, there's not a lot of guys

that could watch one of their best friends

marry their ex-wife and be so cool about it.

Yeah, I guess.

Why are you saying this now?

I just realized, I never thanked you for it.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Jules still can't sleep.

Hmm.

Wish there was something in here that could help.

Turn to the last page.

This may sound like a fairy tale,

But with Jules, when all else fails...

You can fix almost anything With a good kiss.

Still can't sleep, babe?

No.

I know it's stupid, but the whole thing

is starting to make me feel sad, you know?

Happy Valentine's day.

That is what I want you to do to me.

Don't screw it up.

All right.

Let's go.