Original subtitles

Yay! Tree Town Christmas Village.

Is it a town or is it a village?

It's a Christmas village located within the town of Tree.

Yeah, it used to be just a tree farm,

and then they started adding all this Christmas village stuff.

There's a cookie decorating station and a Cocoa Hut.

Oh, we know. Why do you think we agreed

to venture out and freeze our tiny butts off

on the coldest night of the year?

Yeah, my frozen ass wants some sugar.

- Gene. - Oh, this place is so cute.

You pay for everything with mistle-dough.

When we get in, we gotta exchange our money for mistle-dough.

Do we have to go through customs?

- I don't think so. - Oh, thank God.

I have some unpasteurized cheese on me.

Not many cars, huh? Must be the cold.

And how people don't like to be out in weather

that makes you feel like you're gonna die.

Oh, look at these beautiful trees.

Just to be clear, we're not buying a tree, right,

'cause we already have one?

That we got in mid-November for some reason.

And you described it as your soul mate.

And you said it was the only thing you'd save

if there was a fire.

Hey. Just because we have a perfect tree at home

doesn't mean we can't look.

We're married, not buried, right, Bob?

- Um-- - Ooh. Look at that one.

Hello.

Oh, God. Logan. What's he doing here?

- Heads up, Dad. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Louise, I know you don't like Logan, but it's Christmas.

The time for loving our neighbors and goodwill towards...

Oh, God, that punk-ass Cynthia is here, too.

Keep walking, keep walking.

Weren't you just saying how Christmas is a time for love--

Yep, yep, yep. Let's go.

And pile on a little more.

Climb to the sky, Candy Tower.

It's a monument to the arrogance of man.

Geez, do you kids not care about esthetics,

or just how things look in general?

I mean, Gene, your cookie's all icing.

There's a cookie?

And we're out of these.

Lin, I think the candy is for decorating.

Shh. It's fine, narc.

Oh, it's a train, sort of.

Huh. I didn't know trains could go between your knees like that.

Is this what that song "Crazy Train" is about?

Looks fun-ish. Should we go do that?

Sure. I've straddled worse.

Okay. But then let's find this famous Cocoa Hut.

Some locomotion and then cocoa-motion?

- Sound good? - Deal.

Mom, Dad, you kids cool if we split?

Okay. Here, take some mistle-dough.

Don't spend it all in one place.

But spend it all here because

I don't think this money works in the real world.

- Okay, bye. - Here. Guard these with your life.

- And guard mine the most. - Mmm.

Whoa, whoa, guys, wait. I just realized.

We haven't decorated cookies for Santa yet.

- You can give him those. - Sorry, what?

No. These are a shameless way to get sugar into our faces.

No. Uh-uh. Santa deserves a beautiful dignified cookie.

- Not these. - Yeah. These are trash.

Sorry, but come on.

You have such a good point, Dad. Will you do it?

Please. You seem to have a lot of thoughts about this.

And we've got a train to catch.

Okay, fine.

I'll decorate some for Santa.

But only because there's a heater here

and I like the idea of not walking around.

- Thanks. Bye! - Bye.

Okay, bye, kids.

We'll meet your little cabooses back here when you're done.

I guess it's just you and me now.

- I'm gonna go. - What?

I'll take a quick lap to look at the trees.

You know, check out the talent.

I don't want to be all alone in the Cookie Hut.

Oh, you'll be fine. And it doesn't look creepy at all,

a grown man by himself in here.

Okay, I'll be back soon. Love you. Bye.

Yup.

- Hi. - That man is sad.

I know, honey. Don't stare.

Looks like we have the train to ourselves.

Yeah. Coming here when it's so cold that my face hurts

definitely has its perks.

- Three, please. - All aboard the Christmas Steamer.

One mistle-dough to ride.

I took a Christmas steamer this morning.

You did. You really did.

Just looking for the seatbelts on this thing.

Anyone else seeing seatbelts?

- No? - Hup.

Hey, you little kiddies enjoying the kiddy train?

Ugh. We were.

Hey, why don't you go ruin someone else's

Tree Town Christmas Village experience?

Nope. Not leaving.

My parents drag me here every year to get our tree.

And every year,

I ride this turd train until the nightmare's over.

Nice to have Christmas traditions.

So while they argue about what tree to get,

using "I feel" statements,

I come here and stunt this train.

You "stunt" the train?

Oh, yeah.

Train stunts. Jumping off the train,

jumping back on the train,

interacting with the holiday decor.

I'd show you the videos I made last year,

but my parents took my phone away

because I got a C in Spanish.

Isn't that good? I thought "Sí" was Spanish.

I wouldn't know.

But what about that guy? Won't he get mad?

The conductor?

Tss. He's checked out.

And also, I don't think he can physically turn around.

Speaking of! 540!

Did somebody page the Spin Doctors?

My dad's second favorite band. Look them up.

Oh, look at that tree.

Ooh, look at that one. Hi, tree. You're looking at me?

Oh. And I bet you guys have great personalities.

What the hell are you doing?

Excuse me!

- Hello! - What? Are you talking to me?

What are you doing to those trees?

Uh, we take the trees that don't sell, and we chip them up

to use them as mulch for the next year's crop.

What? You're feeding Christmas trees to Christmas trees?

That's a weird way to put it, but yeah.

Anyway, I'd better get back to it.

By the way, this area's employees only, ma'am.

- Please step back. - Oh, my God.

Why?

Oh. What wonderful cookies.

And look at those.

Uh, my kids did those. Don't look at them.

I did this one.

- Oh. - Yeah, I was trying something.

I used sprinkles to make a star.

Good job, sir.

Thanks. Yeah, I think it turned out pretty good...

Oh, you walked away. Mrs. Claus liked my cookie.

Twirl jump. Run real fast.

Surf the train.

- Pfft. - Did you just "Pfft" me?

Yeah, that's right. And here's another one. Pfft.

Like you could do it, Louise.

Uh, yeah, I could.

- Maybe don't-- - Twirl jump.

Oh, you're doing it.

Run real fast.

Surf the train.

Oh, darn. Ride's over. No more train stunts.

Exit to your right. Happy holidays.

The train was slowing down. Doesn't count.

Actually, I just talked to my accountant,

and it does count.

My train stunt game is strong.

Your train stunt game is stunted.

Oh, yeah? How about a train stunt-off?

Oh. Or maybe not do that? Did someone say "Cocoa Hut"?

You're on, moron. What are we stunting for?

Winner gets the loser's mistle-dough, all of it.

- Oh, my. - Um,

but won't you spend all your mistle-dough on the ride?

"Good point, Tina."

Watch this. One, please.

All aboard the Christmas Steamer.

One mistle-dough to ride.

Fake dough drop.

See, Tina? Problem solved. Come on, let's go.

I mean, maybe Christmas isn't the time

to have a stupid showdown with Logan.

Yeah. Christmas is for ham, not beef.

- Know what I'm saying? - Disagree. I think it's the best time.

You don't have to come. How about I meet you at Cocoa Hut?

I'm not gonna just leave you here to do train stunts.

Mom and Dad would never forgive me if you fell under the wheels

of a miniature train during holiday season.

And I can't go get cocoa by myself.

I'm too adorable. I'll get hit on like crazy.

- Ugh. Fine. - Great. Paying my dough, sir.

- One. - Keep the change.

Nothing wrong here. Everything aboveboard.

Choo-choo, my good man.

Okay. So, how are we gonna do this?

One of us does a stunt,

and then the other person has to do it exactly the same,

or they lose their dignity and all their mistle-dough.

Here's an idea for a stunt.

Who can sit still the longest?

Peter Pescadero takes a pill for that.

I got one. Check it, dweeblings.

High-five, Santa.

Side roll over the present.

And back on before the bridge.

Merry Stunt-mas.

Not bad, but not good.

Like what your mom said

- when you came out of her butt. - Um...

But my mom rejoiced when I came out of her butt.

So you gonna stunt that stunt or did I just win already?

Oh, come on!

These sweet ugly trees deserve a chance

to find good homes just as much as the hotties

with the bodies that you've got up front.

Look, I appreciate how much you love these trees,

or let's say I do,

but the thing is, I also want to stop talking to you

and get back to what I was doing.

Does that make you feel like we're done here,

I hope, maybe?

Oh, whatever.

I'm getting you guys out of here. Come on.

Shh. Act casual.

I'll come back for you other trees.

Don't look at me like that. I will.

I'm gonna call you Frosting the Snowman.

Daddy, make mine look like that man's.

Oh, uh, I don't know how to...

Um, how do you make your snowman look so good?

Mine looks like it has big scary nipples.

I wouldn't say scary.

I think you just want them to be up and down like buttons

and not next to each other like nipples.

Got it. You really know your stuff.

Yeah. You did it again.

You put them side by side.

Oh. Look at that. I did.

Yeah. Do you want me to just do it for you?

I'm happy to...

- Please. - Thank God.

In stunting position, and...

High-five Santa. Ah.

Hoo. Roll over the present.

Back on before the bridge.

That was easy.

- Pfft. - Yeah, and your little shriek

sounded super-brave.

- Thank you. - And now let's just enjoy the bridge.

We're like seven inches above the valley floor.

Really puts things in perspective, you know.

Okay, my turn to pick a stunt.

We have to jump up onto that tunnel,

run across the top, jump off the other side,

back onto the train.

- Nope. Nope. Nope. - What?

Because I'll break many of my little bones?

Probably right. I'll think of something else.

How about making a boom-boom in your diaper?

Good luck. I can never poop when I'm traveling.

Psst.

Psst.

Hi. That's a beautiful tree you got your eye on there.

And lucky you, because today it's buy one, get one free.

So you get to take home two Christmas trees.

- Oh, uh... - I know what you're thinking.

One's gonna be jealous of the other and they're gonna fight,

and you'll be up all night with fighting trees.

But once they get to know each other, they can be friends.

Or maybe even more than friends.

Who knows? None of my business.

Sorry. Do you work here?

Kinda. Not really.

- Um, okay. No, thanks. - But it's free.

- I'd like a free tree. - You would?

That's great.

Yeah. I'm gonna use it for firewood.

Get out! Get out of here!

Scoop some snow, feed it to choir penguin

and back on the train! Whoo!

So just do that.

How about I do it like that, but add grace and elegance.

Grace and Elegance. I love that show.

Lily Tomlin is my hall pass!

Okay. Should we call it? Me cocoa now?

- This guy's down for some hot brown. - Me too, Louise.

Can we get off this train, please?

Not that it hasn't been really fun, and cold, and long.

Yeah, Louise, you should quit

and just admit I'm better than you in every way.

Exit to your right. Happy holidays.

Guys, I can't quit now. I'm wearing Logan out.

He's tired. He's old.

I'm so close to winning this.

Just one more round, please.

As your Christmas present to me.

Plus the real Christmas presents you'll give me.

- Ugh. Fine. One more round. - Thank you.

I'm numb from the waist down, anyway.

What's a few more minutes of not feeling my penis?

Saddle up, Logan.

One more round, I take you down.

All right, then, Louise.

Guess I'll continue to humiliate you

under these beautiful winter stars.

Okay, bud, I'll hold Nebkin while you're on the train, all right?

I want to keep Nebkin.

No, no, I'll keep him safe with me and baby Mason.

Nebkin! I want Nebkin!

Okay. Here you go. Easy, bud. You know best.

- You don't. You're four. - Four and a half!

Okay. Okay.

All right, Logan, ready to lose?

The only thing I'm gonna lose is my inhibitions

when I go above and beyond

what I ever thought I was capable of, son.

Oh, yeah?

Well, check this out, buttcracker.

Under the gingerbread man,

over the polar bear,

through the trees,

jump off the rock.

Whoa-oh-oh. Yeah!

Uh-oh.

Nebkin!

Oh, boy.

What did you just do?

Sounds like somebody back there is excited to ride a train.

I get it. Whee.

Nebkin.

It's okay. I'm gonna get him.

- Your "Knobling"? - Nebkin!

God, Louise, this was a train stunt-off.

Not a train destroy-the-Christmas of-an-innocent-child-off.

- Shush! - I mean, if it was that,

you would have won.

- Definitely would have won. - Thank you!

What's wrong, bud?

Oh, God, where's Nebkin?

Oh, God.

Uh, hi, yeah. We saw it.

It was just a crazy freak accident.

No one to blame at all.

Guys, we gotta get that stuffy back.

- Uh-huh. - Even if it takes all night.

Okay, folks, last ride before we close.

Oh, God.

Sir, conductor man, can you please look

for my son's stuffed-animal dog-shaped thing?

- Nebkin! - It's called Nebkin.

We'll look for your son's napkin.

Oh, no, no. "Nebkin." It's Nebkin.

Yeah, and we're looking, too.

Uh, we'll bring it back safe and sound.

But just in case, is it like a super-important stuffy,

or kind of in the middle?

It's very important. It's Grady's favorite stuffy.

He can't sleep without it.

Uh-huh. But like, you could get another one

- if you had to. - No.

Nebkin's the last thing my dad gave Grady

- before he died. - Okay.

- Got it. - Wow.

You took a toy from a child.

You're like the anti-Santa.

Are you trying to say Santana?

Ugh, Logan, why are you still here?

I'm not a monster like you, Louise.

I'm gonna rescue that kid's stuffy,

and save the world like little baby Jesus did.

No, I'm gonna save the stuffy. I'm baby Jesus.

- I'm baby Jesus. - Stop it!

Christmas is not the time to be talking about little baby Jesus!

It's fine.

Now the Cocoa Cabin's gonna have a Christmas tree.

Everybody wins. You're welcome.

So pretty. Oh, my God, it's on fire.

- Ow. - Ma'am.

Okay, fine. We're leaving. But we're taking the tinsel.

Okay, I won't take the tinsel, but I want a cocoa.

One cocoa, please. You are complicit.

So I knew I wanted to use the peppermints as the ears,

but I was like, how am I gonna do the fur?

And that's when I saw the candy cane

that someone had smushed.

Candy cane splinters in an interesting way,

and it kind of looks like fur.

- Ooh. - It does, it does.

So I guess what I'm saying is, be bold.

Make the cookie your cookie.

That's what gives it meaning.

Um, excuse me, sir.

Please, I'm one of you. Call me Bob.

Uh-huh, yeah. Well, we're closing soon,

so could you maybe stop what you're doing?

Uh, uh, okay.

Uh, can I just stay near the heat lamp

until my family comes for me?

- Um... - I have a family.

- They were here before. - Of course they were.

Why would I lie?

Yup. No. Why would you?

I guess for the heat, but...

...but I have a family,

- I swear. - Uh-huh.

All right, coming up on Nebkin.

Maybe I'll use that teddy bear's ice skate

to saw off a branch,

and use it to hook Nebkin when we go by.

Oh, I have an idea.

Maybe you should saw off a--

And use it to--

Saw this off.

Ugh. I can't take it anymore.

As a wise woman in red glasses once said,

Christmas is about loving your neighbor.

Sally Jessy Raphael?

No. Mom. Look,

that stuffy is way the hell up there.

You two are gonna have to work together

if you're gonna get even close to reaching it.

Logan, you have to stand on your seat.

And, Louise, you have to stand on Logan's shoulders.

And then Gene and I will hold Logan's legs

to keep you guys steady, okay?

Ugh! I don't want to stand on Logan.

My feet will probably catch his shoulder warts.

I don't want your feet on my shoulders.

You probably got fart feet.

As a matter of fact, I do have fart feet.

Cut it the frick out! Be enemies later.

- Fine. Whatever. - Okay.

But what if we crash into the tunnel?

I don't really want to get my head chopped off.

That's where I'm gonna grow my goatee someday.

Well, just grab Nebkin

and drop down before your head gets chopped off.

Logan, stand up and then crouch down.

- Confusing instructions already. - Shush.

Gene and I are gonna get you in position. Just do what I say.

Oh, mighty Santa, please let them not die.

Get up better.

Where are your shoulders?

Do you not know what shoulders are?

I'm just gonna stand on your neck.

Oh. I just realized

it'll probably be your head that gets chopped off. Cool.

Well, if it does, I hope it bites you on the way down.

Guys, focus!

The train's going pretty slow, so that's helpful.

Okay, kids, I always speed things up

for the last ride of the night for a little extra fun,

but mostly to be done sooner.

- What? - No!

- Here we go. - No, conductor. Bad conductor.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Okay, there's Nebkin.

Logan, get taller.

I've been trying to do that since sixth grade.

Engaging core muscles.

I don't know if I can reach it!

Hurry. Hurry.

Got it! Crouch down, crouch down!

Oof.

Louise! Are you alive?

Or are you just legs now?

It's okay. We'll accept you either way.

I'm alive.

Just hanging on a tunnel with my very weak arms.

Um, so maybe carefully lower yourself down?

Okay.

Four...

Wait. What are you doing?

I'm running!

Louise, no!

Don't do the tunnel thing! Just do safety!

My undercarriage.

Yes! I did it!

- Whoa. - Holy crap.

- Damn. - Nebkin, you're going home, pal.

Wow. You are just covered in little-boy snot, aren't you?

Ugh. I'm sorry. I failed you, trees.

May God have mercy on your souls.

I just don't understand why they have to smell like that.

You mean like a pine tree?

Ugh, Cynthia.

Oh, I guess a hundred million years of evolution must be wrong.

Tom, there are people that don't like pine smell.

Yeah, they're called sociopaths.

What about this one?

Uh, huh.

That one? Kind of sparse,

might not support the weight of ornaments.

Also, I don't like looking at it.

Well, I like the way it doesn't smell.

I'm bonding with this one,

more than I'm bonding with my husband right now, frankly.

All right, easy.

My girl wants the ugliest tree,

my girl gets the ugliest tree.

- Aww. - Love you, hon.

I think your mom was wrong.

We are gonna make it.

Oh, bye, tree.

Cynthia's awful,

but still better than a wood chipper.

Maybe. Right?

Okay, that's it for tonight, folks.

Exit to your right. Happy holidays.

Okay, hold on, bud.

The train's back.

I'm gonna ask the train man if he maybe--

- Here you go. - Nebkin!

- Oh, thank God. - Yeah, you're welcome.

- You did this. - I did.

- I did. - She did it.

You threw him into--

I brang him back to you...

- She brought it back. - ...safely. That's right.

Hey! He's so sweet. Great age.

Merry Christmas.

Here, take my mistle-dough.

- You won. - Yeah, I did.

This place usually blows,

but that was kind of the most fun I ever had here.

Yeah, I guess I didn't have the worst time of my life.

Aww. Look at you two. Peace and goodwill.

Later, holi-dorks. Hope your presents suck.

Bye. I hope a reindeer farts in your face.

- Yep. Okay. - Come on, guys.

Better hurry up and spend this before the place closes.

Let's go blow our dough and drink our dinner.

Yeah. These lips are ready for some sips, baby!

Let's head on down to Cocoa-mo.

The cookies you made for Santa look very nice, Bob.

- Kids, thank your father. - Thanks, Dad.

- Thanks, Papa. - Thank you, my boy.

I'm not sure I want Santa to eat them.

I kind of feel like they should be put

behind glass in a museum.

Father, those cookies

are gonna get turned into Santa poop

- whether you like it or not. - Mmm.

- What the... - It's fine.

- Everyone in. - Did a forest barf on our car?

Lin, what did you...

We can't have all these trees in our apartment.

Sure, we can. Who wants a Christmas tree in their room?

- Me! - I do!

And that leaves one for the kitchen and one for the bathroom.

You see, Bob, this is the exact right amount of Christmas trees for us.

- I feel bad for the bathroom one. - Oh, please.

These uggos gotta take what they can get.

Just kidding. You're beautiful.

♪ Your limbs are bare ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ You got weird brown needles ♪

♪ Just everywhere ♪

♪ You're not shaped like a triangle ♪

♪ You're shaped like a really sad square ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ But no tree can be ugly ♪

♪ On Christmas ♪

♪ If there were mirrors in the woods ♪

♪ Well, you would have cracked them ♪

♪ You look a little bit like a piney rectum ♪

♪ But no tree can be ugly ♪

♪ On Christmas ♪