Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect, nothing to rearrange.

Sometimes you just get a feeling like you need some kind of change.

No matter what the odds are this time, nothing's gonna stand in my way. It's

playing in my heart like a long lost friend.

Give every dark spade a light at the end.

you stand in tow -

I have great news.

What is all this?

Kostin, you know it's Mama's birthday soon, and they want to get her really

special birthday present this year, so I had to get a part -time job.

I'm a bear stuffer.

And this is my bear stuffing jamboree.

That's great.

Well, it's better than great. It's fun, it's wacky, and it's not as easy as it

looks. You have to pay attention.

Every second. For instance, one of these bears has half of my Snickers bar in

it.

Belty. Yes, yes, it's hard work, but it's worth it knowing that I'm bringing

to little children.

All right, Belty, forget about bringing joy to little children.

I have got a part -time job that is going to make us rich.

This afternoon, I interviewed L.

Bob Frederick, president and CEO of Clean for Life.

Get out of the city. I know who's El Bob Frederick.

He was on the cover of Cheez Whiz magazine.

Not Cheez Whiz magazine.

Biz Whiz magazine.

Balky, El Bob Frederick told me that he finally found in me A salesman who could

sell their clean -for -life home hygiene system. You're not going to believe

this stuff, Falke. This is a miracle.

You guys are going to have to stop yourselves for a while.

Here it is.

This stuff puts the lean in clean.

It puts the spark...

In sparkle.

Does it put the hiney in shiny?

Yes, it does.

Cotton, this miracle looks an awful lot like a bottle of soap.

Malky, you have no vision.

Well, I did have pink eye once, but I... I think it's all cleared up.

Malky, when you look at this bottle of soap, You see a bottle of soap.

That is correct.

When I look at this bottle of soap, I see cars, yachts, houses.

And bigger.

Because it's you.

Give me that.

Belkin, this miracle product, combined with this marvel of technology, the

OmniSweep, will revolutionize the way we think of dirt.

You know, when I think of dirt, I think of the floor in Mama's kitchen.

Hard -packed, and you can eat an omelet off it.

But let's get back to your incredible vision. Can you tell me which of those

bears has my sneakers in it?

Belky, your bear -stuffing days are over. I'm not going to ride the Queen

Life gravy train without you.

You mean we're going to be partners?

Well, 60 -40, but partners, sure.

Oh, Cousin, you are too kind. You take the 60. If it'll make you happy.

All right, now, before we start making huge sums of money, we've got to go over

the finer points of selling.

Sure, Cothen, what would you like to know?

Belky, belky, belky.

See, I already know everything there is to know about selling.

I stayed up all night reading the Clean for Life handbook.

Knock, knock, I'm there.

A Guide to Door -to -Door Selling by L. Bob Frederick.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You are not ready for the book.

I want to read the book.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

If it were up to me, I would let you see the book.

But L. Bob gave explicit instructions not to let you see the book.

He said that it contains mind -control information, which, in the wrong hands,

could be dangerous.

I will tell you everything you need to know about selling. Now, there are two

basic rules to selling.

Get your foot in the door and get the money, get the money, get the money.

Well, that seems to me to be four rules.

However... I'm not allowed to read the book? Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Belky, you don't need to read the book.

L. Bob said that everything you need to know about selling is printed on this

little card.

L. Bob actually said that I was allowed to read the card?

Yes, he did.

Did he actually use my name? Yes.

He said, Belky.

should read this card.

Now, it would be helpful if we did a little practice run.

Good.

Now, you pretend to be the salesman. I will pretend to be the customer.

Because when you were talking to Al Bob, how did my name come up? I mean...

Get outside.

I interest you in a revolutionary way to clean your home?

No. Okay, bye.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm going back to bear stuffing. I think it's... Come back inside. Come

back inside. Okay. I see the problem. I see the problem. Okay.

Listen. Sit down.

See?

When I said no, you thought I meant no.

Yes. No.

You see, to a good salesman, no means yes.

You understand?

Yes and no.

When you say no... Yes.

Do you mean yes? No.

But then why... But when you say no, you don't mean yes?

No. I mean no.

No, see, when a customer says no, they mean yes. When I say no, I mean no.

Let me try to put this together.

When you're being the customer, no means yes. Yes.

When you're being Costin Larry, no means no.

Yes.

When you look at a bottle of soap, you... See a yacht.

Yes.

Okay, Balky, I think this little outburst proves that you are not ready

the book.

I'm fine. I think maybe by the time we go once around the neighborhood, I'll

have the hang of this door -to -door selling.

Balky, we are not going to go once around the neighborhood.

No? No.

And I mean no.

Balki, in this neighborhood, we could go to a thousand doors and make one sale.

A good salesman goes to one door and makes a thousand sales.

We are going to sell this product to Lenora Dumont.

Lenora Dumont?

Lenora Dumont?

Yes. Never heard of her.

Well, I have. I interviewed her last month. She owns the Dumont chain of

Balki? We are going to make her the queen of clean.

We are about to make salesman history. Are you with me?

No. No.

Balky, get in here.

This is not fun and games.

Whatever you say, Kimo Sabe.

All right. Now, when Mrs. Dumont gets here, let me do all the talking. You

remember rule number two.

Get the money, get the money, get the money.

Wouldn't I still think that rules two through four?

Maybe it's explained in the book.

However, I'm not allowed to see the book. Oh, no, no, oh, no, no.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Dumont. You're looking well.

Thank you. Who are you?

Larry Appleton from the Chronicle, remember?

I interviewed you last month.

Four columns.

A nice picture?

We had lunch on your terrace. Cold salmon, asparagus with dill sauce.

And you showed me pictures of little Malcolm and Cecily?

Yeah.

Of course, that laddy spilled gazpacho on your lap.

Now I remember.

I'm terribly sorry.

Did you get my flowers? Yes, I gave them to the maid.

As I recall, you wrote a very nice article about my art collection.

Well, thank you.

So I suppose you're here to do a follow -up piece.

Are you interested in my Monet?

Yes, we're here to get the Monet, get the Monet, get the Monet.

This is my associate, Balki Bartokomus.

You'll have to excuse him.

He's from a very small island with a defective gene pool.

Well, the real story is the portrait I'm having painted by Rinaldo Ricardo.

Did you hear that, Balky?

Rinaldo Ricardo.

Rinaldo Ricardo. I love him.

Why would he never let Lucy in his show?

what was the basis of his friendship with Fred. They had absolutely nothing

common.

Rinaldo Ricardo is a world -famous artist. He's painted all the members of

royal family.

And when he finishes with this one, it will hang in the portrait gallery of the

Chicago Art Institute.

What a beautiful painting.

Oh. Of course, this guy is really good.

You can't even see any of the numbers.

Mrs.

Dumont, we are not here about the painting. We are here to sell you a

product. I beg your pardon.

Hello, busy homemaker.

We are here to make your house -cleaning chores a joy and a pleasure.

May we come in?

Get foot in door.

I'm telling El Bob.

Hi.

We represent the Clean for Life home hygiene system. We have over 200

of cleaners and spot and stain removers. Balky?

Hello, busy homemaker.

We're here to make your house cleaning chores a joy. Give me the bottle.

It's as simple as shake and shine.

I'm sure with three hotels, you use a lot of cleaning products.

You'll have to excuse me. I don't have time for any of this. Please leave my

house. Wait, wait, wait. You don't want to buy anything?

No.

No! Did you hear that, cousin?

Oh, boy, this is great!

This no -means -yes stuff is really starting to make sense to me. When do we

our money? Get our money! Get our money!

Mrs.

Dumont, if you would...

Just give us a moment to show you some of... The maid will clean it up.

Don't be here when I get back.

Let's get out of here. Cousin, no. We made this mess. We got to clean it up.

Balki, that's a brilliant idea.

Well, cousin, I can't take all the credit.

You yourself said we were going to clean up in here.

No, Balki, I mean... This is a golden opportunity to show Mrs. Dumont exactly

what the clean -for -life system is all about.

When she gets back, we'll have this place spotless. Bring me the Omni

I think this calls for solvent number nine.

Falke, this will be as simple as shake and shine. I don't have time. I don't

have time for this. I really don't have time for this. I met with L. Bob

Frederick.

I read the book.

I know what I'm doing.

Fine.

I suppose you were going to tell me to tighten the cap. Yes.

But perhaps that wasn't covered in the book.

Oh, God.

I hope we didn't hurt it.

Now, Kostin, look, don't fly off your love handles.

Kostin, the wall is fine.

Lucky for us, the Ricardo painting was in the way.

I hope we didn't ruin the painting. Just help me take this off.

That was close.

All right, I'll just clean up the carpet and then we're out of here.

Boy, Mrs. Dumont must have had this little mole removed after the painting

done. What mole?

That mole right over here.

Belkin, that's not a mole.

It's a spot of cleaning fluid.

Don't panic!

All right, all right, Belkin.

Okay, okay, okay, all right, all right. I'll just carefully remove...

A little speck of cleaning fluid.

Oh, God.

I took off the end of her nose.

Well, if you ask me, Corson, it looks a whole lot better.

We gotta fix it!

Causing, causing, causing, causing articulated cartilage.

Okay.

Get in there with some highlights.

Some highlights.

Some highlights.

And some, some, some shadow.

Some shadow.

What do you think? It stinks.

All right. Here, here, I'll just dodge it.

God, I made it worse.

All right, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going

to do?

Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.

I can paint, right?

Yes, you can.

I can fix this, right?

Yes, you can.

I can save us, right? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Can I read the book?

Can you get me an autographed copy? You just shut up and fix the painting!

All right, now, first things first.

Now, what did she look like?

it just hold it stand down please stand down please and uh give me a little

smile give me a little smile just hold that

Did your mama get the birthday present you sent her? Yes, she did.

She loves her clean -for -life products.

She has the cleanest mud hut on the island.

Well, we better get going.

We don't want to be late for Mrs. Dumont's party.

She really was very understanding, wasn't she? Oh, yes, she was.

Hope tonight's party don't go too late.

Look at the bright side.

Only another six months of parking cars.

And we'll have paid off the carpet and the painting.