All language subtitles for Gallagher.Over.Your.Head.1984.480p.DVDRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.LT]

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♪♪ ["Deep In
The Heart Of Texas"]

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

[male announcer]
From deep in the heart
of Texas,

the city of Beaumont
welcomes Gallagher.

[audience cheering]

[gunshots]

Beaumont!

[whooping][gunshots]

Beaumont!

Yeah!

Whoo-ha-haw!

Well, all right!

[cheering continues]

Texas![gunshot]

Well, let me welcome
myself to Texas.

[audience cheering]

Where a man comes home
and hangs his hat on his lap.

[audience laughing]

We're gonna talk
about it here tonight.

This is my idea
to solve the gun problem
in this country.

You make it the law
that all guns must have
a barrel this long,

'cause you can see
it would be very difficult
to conceal this weapon.

If somebody came--[audience laughing]

[audience applauding,
cheering]

If somebody came limping
up to you on the street,

you know you're gonna get
held up when they stick
that in your back

and they can't reach
your wallet.

This has some
safety features too.

You can't injure yourself
cleaning this gun.

And it makes suicide
damn near impossible.

[audience applauding,
cheering]

Well, I sure do welcome you
to the show here tonight.

This here is gonna be
a smart show tonight.

We're gonna do a show
that ain't like what
you see on the network.

I wish there was a knob
on the TV so you could
turn up the intelligence.

They got one
marked "brightness,"
but it don't work, does it?

No.

They got-- They got shows on TV
like Chachi Loves Chachi,

Joanie Loves Mr. T,
Leave It To Jeannie,
I Dream Of Beaver.

It's all the same stuff.

I like you people.
You know, they've done
a study of my audience,

and they discovered
that I draw the top five
percent of the population.

Welcome to the show.

[cheering]

I know you people.
You're the smart ones.

You're not the ones
going down the freeway

with the seat belt
hanging out the door
making sparks.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

You're not the ones
going over the overpass

with the turn signal on.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Where are they gonna turn?
You almost wish they would.

Get out of the way.

That's the problem
with this world--

laid out for people
with a bovine intelligence.

You can see it
in their eyes.

They got the cow eyes.
You can just say to 'em--

And they go, "What? "

And the world's laid out
for them lower 95
cattle kind of people.

Bovine intelligence.
Oh, they make it look
real nice

down at the restaurant,
down at the bank,
down at the airport.

They got a velvety rope
and a chrome post,

but it's still a corral
for making you moo-o-o.

But what you need,

and what we're gonna talk
about here tonight,

is how to have new eyes.

Where's my new eyes?

See, with these new eyes--

[audience applauding]

With these new eyes,
you look at the world,

and you'll begin
to see it in a new way,
and you'll get pissed.

Where's my whip?
Where's my whip?
Here's my whip.

Boy, it makes me
want to get these--
I'll take my new eyes off.

I got this here in Texas
at a 7-Eleven.

[audience laughing,
applauding, cheering]

Right.

It was hanging right next
to the Cool Whip.
I said,

"Cool Whip and a bullwhip.
Give me that, yeah."

To me, I can't even see

why a bull would be afraid
of this damn bullwhip.

Does it look so tough to you?
Just get back.

Don't make me do it.

Come on.

If I was a cowboy,
I'd just walk up
to the bull and I'd say,

"Here. Put these on.

You see this?
Made out of a cow."

[audience laughing,
applauding]

I like you people.
You already have new eyes.

A lot of people,
this is a very difficult
concept for them to embrace.

It's difficult to step aside
and look at this world
a new way.

Let's just take something that
you've looked at a long time

and just never
noticed before.

Let's look at Christmas

from a fire prevention...

[laughs]

point of view.

Now...

[audience laughing]

when it's dry
in your house

and you got the heater on
to help dry that air out
real good,

you go get
an evergreen tree.

You put it in the corner
next to the drapes.

You lace it
with cheap wiring.

You put packages
of tissue paper wrapped
in tissue paper underneath,

then invite
your friends over,
get drunk and light candles.

[laughing]

Wha--

What's going on, gang?

What about Easter?

Whose idea is it
to give eggs
to an animal that hops?

Give me the eggs!
Give me the eggs!

That's why they
hard-boil 'em and put 'em
in a basket of grass--

because this shit
doesn't make any sense.

How come, when we want
to talk to somebody,

we ask 'em out to eat
and busy the only orifice
we was interested in?

And can you tell me why,

for God's--

Tell my why.

The people
at the grocery store
must not have kids,

otherwise they wouldn't
put the candy next to
the cash register...

[cheering]

where--

where you got
to stand with 'em.

And, sure enough,
they see it sooner or later.

And then everybody
has to listen to everybody

go through their candy shit
with their kids.

You know?

[audience
applauding, cheering]

"No, you can't have any.
We got some at home.

Okay, you can just have one.
Don't open it now.

Okay, you can
just have one.

Okay, you can have
one, too.

Okay, they can have one.
They're not in our family!"

In this world you got
to keep your guard up.

You never know
what's gonna happen.

[screaming]

I got you so easy.

[applauding,
cheering]

What are you laughing about?

What are you laughing about?

[screaming, shouting]

See what I'm saying?

You got to keep
your guard up in this world.

Do you know some people
catch polio from the vaccine?

Whoa! You wouldn't know
that was coming at you that way.

In some states, if you're--
Well, it ain't you.

But in one state,
they have a law

that if you're gonna kill
somebody by lethal injection,

you have to dip
the needle in alcohol.

Whoa.

[cheering]

You better watch out.

In the next five years,
some countries will have
nuclear bombs

that do not have
an air force.

What, are they gonna
send it Federal Express?

[cheering]

And what's happening
in our country?

The government
is coming down on 'em,

coming down
on them lower 95.

And only we see
what they're doing,

how they're telling them
the opposite of what is.

It's all through the world.
It ain't just the government.

Have you ever met
the son of a bitch that works
at the courtesy booth?

Well, one's better
at hammering government,
and they figure shit out.

Instead of telling
the lower 95

that they are building
more nuclear missiles,

we tell 'em
they're building down,
building down.

They go, "Oh. Oh!

Oh.

'Build down.' Oh!"

Then we have
a defense department

that has a first-strike
capability.

First-strike on a defense?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding,
cheering]

See?

Your sword's different
than your shield.

We ought to have
a department of offense
and just say it like it is.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

We have a department
of the interior

that's in charge
of everything outdoors.

That's just to screw you up
and get you off base

so you believe
what else they say

about how social security
has a safety net.

Right. They shouldn't have
called it social secur--

They should've called it
so-so security.

[audience laughing,
cheering]

Maybe there'll be
money there.

Maybe there won't.

See, they look at it
from their point of view.

You won't hear anybody talk
like this in politics, see,

'cause this has a point of view,
see, that they just--

You can't have a real point
of view in politics,

otherwise you might
get cornered, see.

A politician,
he don't say nothing.

He says plus with
the beginning of a sentence,

minus with the end of it
so it don't add up to nothing.

That's why, when
you're done listening
to a politician--

[audience applauding,
cheering

That's why, when you're done
listening to a politician,

you just say,
"What did he say?"

He said, "Vote for me.
I'm a nice guy."

That's basically
all he wants you to base
your decision on, just:

"I'm a nice guy.
How do you like my coat?
Here's my family."

Oh, good, his dick works.

[laughing, cheering]

Tired of screwing her.
Wants to try us.

[laughing, cheering]

Get down!

[cheering]

They're using language
against us,

using our own language
against us.

They don't call a tax a tax.
They call it
a revenue enhancer,

'cause they looked
at their revenue and noticed
it had been enhanced.

Why? 'Cause it went
from our "hance"
to their "hance."

[audience laughing,
applauding]

That's why.

They do even more
diabolical things.

It's just how they
want to name it,

what they want
to call it, you know.

You never hear
about a worldwide--

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[audience members
shouting]

You're very correct to have
your plastic up at this point.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Score yourself
five bonus points.

But the point
that I'm making is

that when a worldwide
oil catastrophe ever happens,

they don't call it
a worldwide oil catastrophe.

They make it sound like
some kind of kitchen accident.

Oh, wait-- Spill. Oh!

We spilt the oil.

Oh. We spilt.

[audience laughing]

And what have they done?
And what are we doing?

We are ruining water.
Let's look at that
with our new eyes,

'cause water is important
for a civilization

that has been here
longer than plumbing.

[audience laughing]

[cheering]

Yeah.

Why? Well,
we all know why.

Now, the first peoples
was nomads.

They traveled from one place
they lived for a while

to another place
they would live for a while...

because there was
no plumbing.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[audience cheering]

They begin all right.
They say, "I like it here."

Everybody said,
"I like it here."

Then after a while they say,
"Do you like it here?"

And they head out.

Except, well, rivers.

Rivers helped a lot.
Kind of like natural plumbing.

So rivers
was very important

at the beginning of time,
as they are now.

But let's talk about
more at the beginning of time.

I want to take
everybody's head

and just take it back.

Let's just go back.

I got to tell you
about these people.
You're gonna like 'em.

Like I told you,
they're from

where the Tigris
and the Euphrates rivers
come real close,

and that was the nicest place
on Earth back then.

So that's the first place
that they built condominiums.

So the Jews moved in.

Now--

But I want to tell you now
about a race of people

that existed back there,
that I believe are
the forefathers,

maybe even the reincarnation
we are of them,
the first Americans.

I'm talking about
the Phoenicians.

[low voice]
"The Phoenicians?"

The Phoenicians

And so the Phoenicians,
they set sail.

They had boats.
If you don't have land,
you have boats.

And you head out
in these boats.

And being clever,
they found a dye
in a shellfish

that turned regular,
old, dull cotton

into beautiful blue.

And they went to sell
this new fabric.

[audience members
hooting, whistling]

I know it.

They went straight
to the king,
and they said,

"King, you need to buy
some of this."

The king said, "Why?"
And they said,
"'Cause it's royal blue."

The king said,
"I like that."

[audience applauding]

The king said,
"How much is it?"

They said, "A lot."
The king said,
"I like that.

Give me too much."

Kings always buy too much
if it costs a lot.

But then the Phoenicians,
they went off

and they sold it
to the sublords
and the subkings.

Pretty soon they had this
at Robes "R" Us.

And everybody had it.

So they come out
with another commodity.

They found a way
of mixing tin with copper,

and they made bronze.

They made 'em swords.

You gotta remember
there wasn't much
to do back then

but walk around,
wearing your pretty robe,

being real careful
with your sword...

because...

[audience applauding]

they weren't gonna sell 'em
the sheaths till next year,
you see.

I told you these is
real clever people

and there wasn't
much to do but commerce,
like I'm telling you,

and keeping track of it
and keeping secrets.

These was
a very secretive people.

If you was following them
to find out where
they get the tin

to put in the copper
to make the bronze,

they'd wreck their boat
and not let you see where
they went and did it.

And so these people had to
keep track of what they did.

So they invented
a way of doing it.

They just--
When they sold a cow,

they made this letter here
called "aleph."

And everything
had been just fine,

except they didn't want
nobody to know that
they'd sold that cow.

That looks like ox
to you, don't it?

Well, it sure as hell
does. But--[audience laughing]

But do you know what's
happened over the centuries?

Just to keep it a secret,
the Phoenicians

finally ended up
with that letter
looking like that,

and that's the "A"
that begins our alphabet.

Can you believe it?

[audience]
No!

Our alphabet
is based on some kind
of a bookkeeper's code

to keep the Jews'
and the Egyptians' nose

out of the Phoenician
cattle business.

You gotta make out the sense
when you've got kids.

I got a three-year-old baby,
and I'm trying to teach her
the language.

That's why I started
looking into these letters,

'cause I would say,
"This here is an 'A.'"

And she'd say, "Why?"
Then I gotta look it up.

[audience applauding]

And it's hard having a--

Well, see, babies
are born with new eyes.

They look at the world
with new eyes.

And you begin to see things,
too, through their eyes.

I had a problem with her,
with toilet training,

and I don't
blame her a bit.

'Cause, first, I showed her
you can't hit your cup
on the coffee table.

Then I showed her
you can't eat on the couch.

Then here was this chair
you could shit in.
You know.

[cheering]

So anyway, we've been having
a good time learning together.

We're learning things--
It's hard to teach a kid
to stay to the right.

What's the difference
between right and left,
you know?

And it's hard to teach a kid
about chewing gum.

It's something
you put in your mouth
and you don't swallow.

I say, "Now, you chew it.
Now you done? Spit it out.

Okay."

Then weeding.
You want something
difficult? Weeding.

I'm out there,
pulling out the weeds.

She's coming along behind,
catching what I miss

of the green things.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

She's not old enough.
She's only three.

She's not sophisticated enough
to know the difference
between a plant and a weed--

that if you water it
and it dies, it's a plant.

If you pull it out
and it grows back,
it's a weed.

But I hesitate
to tell her stuff

'cause I want to see what
she's gonna tell me first

so I can see the world
in her new eyes.

We don't go
to the restaurant.

We go to
the "dinner store."

[audience laughing]

And her foot
don't fall asleep.
It gets "sparkled."

[audience laughing]

So now I eat
at the dinner store.

My foot gets sparkled.

[audience laughing]

I believe it's all part
of being different,

part of being an American,
part of being a kid,

part of being the ones
that shows the whole world
how to play,

how to use one side
of your brain...

[audience applauding,
cheering]

and then another side
of your brain.

That's okay.
I got two.

[laughing]

This is a new event
in the next Olympics.

It's called synchronized
Ping-Pong, okay?

You gotta just kind of
get in your way.

[audience applauding,
cheering]

So,

it's all, I think,
part of having fun--

just using your brain,
looking at things a new way.

I invented this right here
for people that like
to honk their horn

but can't afford
to drive a car.[honking]

[audience applauding]

Somebody gets in your way,
butts in line, you go,

[honking][New York accent]
"Hey.

[audience applauding]

I'm walkin' here."

[honks]

I knew I'd be in Texas
to do this show,

so I come out
with a heavy-duty--[truck horn honking]

[cheering][honk, honk]

[honk]

[honking]

[honks]

Use this in the bathroom
to keep 'em from opening
the stall.

When you see it go
a crack, you go--[honks]

They go--
[screams]

"Damn, there was
an 18-wheeler in there."

[honks]

[audience
applauding, cheering]

Boy, you talk
about big rigs.

I found these.

Boy, imagine this coming,
jogging at you.

[cheering]

I found these at a store.

I like going in stores
where people ain't

to get stuff that you
don't see everybody wearing.

I just couldn't think
of a really cool way
of wearing that.

But I did find this bathing suit
for being out at the pool.

Now, you don't have
to wear this the way
everybody else does.

You can come in
on the side on this.

Just come up
to the top here.

And then you move
this part here.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

See what I'm talking about?
It's time to swim, yeah!

I got you so easy.

Bathing suit.
Bathing suit.

Bathing suit, water.

Bathing suit, water.

Bathing suit, water.

So anyway,

I wanted this in a color.

I wanted a dark color
for this.

I went and I found
the blue one,

but the fun part
wasn't big.

And I thought, "Well,

that ain't just me
that needs that that way."

[audience laughing,
applauding]

You know what I mean?

So I showed the guy
there at the store.

I said, "Listen, man,

buns that big is
gonna need bigger balls.

[audience applauding,
cheering]See the--

But, anyway,

you women understand
what I'm talking about.

Women understand shopping.

Women have a lobe
of their brain
just for shopping.

It ain't one they got natural.
It's one they cleared out.

It's one you naturally
have that gets you
out of the bathroom.

That's why women can't get
out of the bath-- You send
a woman in the bathroom,

they just lose it.

[laughing]

You guys say,
"Where is she?"

She went in the bathroom
two hours ago.
I'll go get her."

You go in there.
"Come on out. Look, your family,
the house, the world."

"Oh, I was
in the bathroom. Oh."

So women have this lobe
in their brain,

and it's got room
for inventory.

It's where women store
information about shopping,

shopping lore,
facts that men don't have
any way of ever knowing.

A woman knows that if you
see a bargain in a window,
and you're shopping,

it's okay to go,
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"

Now--

Now, also in that lobe
of your brain

you have a need,
like a narcotic.

A woman must shop.

If she hasn't shopped
in a while,

this need builds up.

And men understand--

We understand
this need you have,
and we can live with it.

We learned to put up
with your period.
We can handle this.

So...[audience applauding,
cheering]

they slowly kind of
get antsy around the house

when they haven't shopped
for a while.

You can see it just kind of
getting 'em after a while.

And they'll say things like,
"Oh, I need that.

Oh, I need that.

That's two things.

I'll make a list."

Then she tells
everyone in the house,

"I'm making a list.

I'm going shopping."

Then she tells everybody,
"I'm going shopping.
I'll need money.

I'll need the car.
I'm going shopping.

You'll have to get
your own clothes.
I'm going shopping.

You'll have to make
your own meal.
I'm going shopping.

You'll have to get
your own life together.
I'm going shopping!"

[audience cheering]

Now, they don't get
their real fix for shopping

until they reach the doors
of the shopping center

and they open it up
and they get that whoosh
of the air conditioner.

A woman says,
"Oh, good, too much.

They're always
pampering me."

Then she goes inside
this world made for her.

She gets a whiff
of the cosmetics counter

where that woman
is sitting over there
with glop all over her face.

[audience applauding]

Then there's the escalator,

silent servants
taking her up to bargains
or down to the basement.

And then she goes
into a trance,

her shopping mode,

perpetrated by those men
who run that place.

They hone in on
that lobe of her brain

with a hypnotic sound
that they tell you is
an answering kind of device

to get the guy from Socks
to pick up the phone,
but it ain't.

It's right on your brain.
It puts you asleep
where you go--

Bong bong.

Bong bong.

"I'm shopping."

Bong bong.
Then they say,
"Hello, shoppers."

You go, "Yes!

I'm shopping."

Women understand
their position in life--

that of a major
purchasing agent.

When a woman says,
"I'm going bye-bye,"

she means b-u-y, b-u-y.

[audience laughing,
applauding]Now--

See, this all makes sense.

But, hey, we got
to start the show.

So it's almost time here
to start the show.

And, uh, almost time
to start the show.

But I want to put on
my tap shoes

'cause the show always starts
with a tap number.

And, um--

And, uh, jeez, I wish I--

I didn't have
a chance to tell you

about our disintegrating
environment.

I didn't get a chance
to talk about this,

but I think we talked
about it in the sixties,

and we all decided,
"Don't poop in the tub."

Didn't we?[audience laughing]

Right. I think
we all discussed this.

And it really affects me
when I see these fish
with cancers of the lip

'cause I know
that God gave fish lips

so that we could see
what it looked like
if that happened to us.

You see? And McDonald's
is trying to push
their fish sandwiches.

Where are they
gonna get the fish?

And where are they getting
them little square ones
they're frying now?

[audience laughing,
applauding]That's what I want to know.

But, you see--

But, you see,
in the future,

animals will just adapt
to a disintegrating
environment,

and butterflies that match
leaves and trees right now

will just match garbage
later on.

You see? Oh, yeah,
we'll have all kind
of strange little animals.

I got some of 'em
right here for you.

First of all,
some French fly.

They hide around
the McDonald's.

Now here, this is
a Twinkie bug.

It just looks
like a Twinkie.

This here is a trash rat.

You see?

[audience applauding,
cheering]

It--

It ain't gonna get hit
by the kids with BB guns

'cause they can't pick it out
from the rest of the animals.

I ain't saying
it'll happen real fast,
just over a period of eons.

Slowly the rats that
look most like a Sunkist
will survive.

This is a shutterbug I made
just to be silly.

Now, the problem
with armadillos

is they look
like speed bumps.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

[audience cheering]

So--

You know, a Texan don't
slow down for speed bumps.

[audience cheering]

And, of course,
the slow old turtle

that looked the most
like tires,

they'll survive, see?

That there is "Reston."
He used to--

I ain't saying
it'll happen real fast,
just over a period of time.

Now, this is just
what might happen naturally.

Just by natural,
that don't count what we
might do on purpose

'cause we now control
gene splicing.

We want to make a new animal,
we can do it.

We could make a watchdog
that you can't sneak up behind.

[audience laughing,
applauding]

And now these are
real clean animals, too.

They go round and round
in a circle and never do shit.

Oh, it gets worse.

I heard of statewide
contaminations.

Statewide contaminations,

a big old toxic splash

of some kind of chemical,

some kind of
agent orange-y green

or light blue 2905
XL-2509

surging through the bodies
of every voter in the state.

That's weird.
What might be happening now?

Their spine
might be curving around

unnaturally

till finally their head
goes up their ass.

[laughing]

And then their skin
gets like foam rubber,

and they put on
extra weight,

move out of state
and get jobs.

Serious problem.

But it don't belong
in my show. Listen.[muted tapping]

[audience cheering]

Is that good?
Is that good?
That's not--

Could I have a sound man
out here, please?

Just listen to this part
right here and tell me
what you think.

Look at this right--
Look. Look.

Does this look--
Where's "look" on you?
Where is "look"?

Are you looking?
How are you looking?
Can you hear this?

Hell, no, you
can't hear this.

You got a crack going
the other way, too.

Look here.
It affects everything
on their body.

I'll put your wrench back.

I'm gonna make sure
I hit the right hole.

I don't want to make you mad.
might come out of there...

shit-faced.

Hey.

[audience cheering]

What?

Oh, you gotta go
on break. Right.

Why don't you go have
a cigarette?

[audience laughing,
applauding]

Okay, it's just about time
to start the show,

so I'm gonna
get going here.

Uh, he's taking a break.
I don't have a mic
for the floor.

I'll do, um...

I'll do the river poem.
I'll do the river poem.

I'll do the river poem!

[audience cheering,
applauding]

I'm your local river,

and I'm older
than anyone here.

And I haven't said
anything up to now,

but I got to finally
make myself clear.

Now, how would you feel
if I threw cans in your bed?

And how comfy do you think
are these tires?

And what would you do
if I sewered on you

and put oil on your top
and lit fires?

Some places,
I'm dead and drying up.

Other places,
my flow is reversed.

I got acid.
I glow in the dark.

But these suds
is what's really the worst.

Suds so you can see your faces
in your dinner dishes.

Well, I'm a reflection
of you, too.

And, as you can see, you're
some dirty sons of bitches.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

And stupid, too.

You kill bugs
with pesticides

that drain off
and kill the fish

that used to eat
the bug larvae

that are now immune
to your shit.

Now, I may be
a sendimental fool, but
don't you love me anymore?

If you would, you'd
quit messing with my pH.

I like it closer
to 7 than 4.

Now, I ain't complaining.
I like working.

I don't even mind
being dammed.

I'll fill the mill
and tote that barge,

but I got to be
the me that I am.

I have a body
to be proud of.

It flows in my family.

I got it from
my father's forks

and my mother's
tributaries.

Now, you see, a river
is the cleanest thing,

like a tear
that clears the eye.

[burps]

I am made of raindrops.

I'm the one
you judge clean by.

But, no, look
how I gotta look

'cause nobody listens
to rivers.

But why should I expect you
to take care of me?

Look what you did
to your liver.

Now, if you was me,
what would you do?

You'd say,
"Shove this old job,"
I think.

So I'm here to quit
my position as river

and get me something
besides dioxins to drink

'cause, if I'm
gonna be polluted,
I might as well be drunk.

I'm tired of doing
the dirty work.

Garbage trucks
wouldn't carry this junk.

Now, I talked to the Danube
who is blacker than blue.

I've talked to the Elbe
and the East River, too.

I've talked to the Hudson
and the ole Mississip.

And I've met mouth to mouth
with most streams that are hip.

And they're quitting, too.
They're turning to goo.

This shit's got to stop.
For once, we're dumping on you.

We're just staying
up in the mountains
and just making lakes.

And you people can dry up
and just blow away. Now--

I could have just gone,
but I thought,
"What about songs?"

You can't sing,
"How lovely is dirt,

how the moonbeams
shine on the soil."

A world without rivers
really hurts.

So I'll stay,
but you better change,

or we'll be having
this hassle again.

Remember, I move as much
freight as the teamsters,

and look how you
bend over for them.

Well, there's the mic.
Let's do the tap number.

[cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen,
for your entertainment,

the tap-dancing girl.

♪♪ [piano]Turn. Look out.

Oh!

Don't kick me--

Isn't she good?

[audience cheering]

Oh!

I'm coming.
Back up.

[cheering]

Bring them home!

We're going home now.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.So--

But who is she?
It's time for Trivial Pursuit.

Yes, Trivial Pursuit.
You've seen her before
in your life.

Where? Where?
The time is running out.
The time is running out.

It's almost over.
Here's your clues.

Cubby, Darlene,
Annette.

Sharon!

[audience cheering,
applauding]

Sharon Baird,
an original Mouseketeer.

Get down!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.Well...

Sharon, it's almost time
for Sledge-O-Matic,

and that's no place
for a lady.

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering continues]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I did not come here tonight
to make you laugh.

I came here
to sell you something.

I want you to pay
particular attention

because the amazing
Master Tool Corporation,

a subsidiary of
Fly By Night Industries,

has entrusted who? Me.

To show you the handiest
and the dandiest kitchen
tool you've ever seen.

And don't you want
to know how it works?

[audience]
Yeah!

Well, first, you get out
an ordinary apple.

You place the ordinary apple
between the patented pan.

Then you reach for the tool
that is not a slicer.

It's not a dicer.
It's not a chopper
in a hopper.

What in the hell
can it possibly be?

It is Sledge-O-Matic!

[screaming]

Let's look at that
one more time.

Could it be this easy?

Yes, it's just that easy.

Now, what about citrus?

No problem!

What about lettuce?

No problem!

What about wine?

No problem.

A small melon?

No problem.

A pineapple?

No problem.

You want this taco to go?

That sumbitch is gone.

It's just that easy.

You want sauce on that?

You want sauce on that?
You got it.

[audience applauding,
cheering]

Now--

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[audience gasping,
laughing]

Now, Sledge-O-Matic

will add extra punch

to an old battery.

Now, Sledge-O-Matic

also show
your three-year-old

she ain't gonna have
that bottle no more!

Now, Sledge-O-Matic
will also release aggression.

You can use Sledge-O-Matic

on things
you never thought.

[cheering]

Yeah.

Take that!

I want my paper!

[cheering continues]

You want new eyes?

Here's your new eyes!

Sledge-O-Matic kills
most common household pests.

Sledge-O-Matic also kills
uncommon household pests,

like the fruit fly.

You're dead!

Damn, that
killed him good.

The butterfly.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

The butterfly.

No problem!

Eww!

The water bug.

You're dead.

From the farms
of Three Mile Island,

the dreaded pineapple-us.

Eww.

You're dead!

Now, I know what
you're gonna say.

"Look at what a mess
Sledge-O-Matic did."

But look how easily
it cleans.

Mmm.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sharon Baird.

[cheering]

Now--

I didn't come here tonight

to smash
a bunch of produce.

I came here tonight

to explode your world

so you'll put it back
the way you want it

instead of the way it was
accidentally put together

by people
thousands of years ago,

or even yesterday,
if it don't suit you.

Dreaming,
that's what to do.

If you want to put sour cream
on your French fries

and ketchup
on your baked potato,

I say, "Why not?"

[cheering]

I believe the secret there
is asking why.

Just ask why.
Why?

[audience]
Why?

Why can you buy a whole
chess set at a pawn shop?

[audience laughing]

I don't know.[audience members]
Why?

Why was there a flood
on the Colorado River this year

when we got
the Hoover Dam?

Why?Why?

I don't know.
You can take
a bus from Vegas

and go see the lever
they never did pull.

[audience members]
Why?

Because they just
watched the water

go up in the tub
and over the top.

Why?[audience]
Why?

'Cause water
can make a decision.

[cheering]

What I'm talking about,

I just don't have
the time.

I don't.
I wanted to do something
on air pollution,

and I really
don't have the time.

I saw this commercial on TV
for a tooth polish for smokers.

It said, "How are you going
to get that off your teeth?"

And I thought,
"It must be on your lungs."

[laughing]

[cheering]

So--

But in America
you just fix what shows.

He dies of lung cancer,
but he has such a nice smile.

[audience laughing]

Now it's the same way
in the area of air pollution.

We got such tall
smokestacks

on all of our factories

that the problem just goes
over your head.

[audience cheering,
applauding]

But I didn't have an idea
I could put in this show
for air pollution.

I need some idea
that'll focus public attention,

some clever little way
of doing something.

And I didn't come up with it,
but I know that I will

'cause I just stop.

I just stop for a while,

and I think

and I think.

It ain't easy.
A heavyweight fight
ain't always fighting.

Sometimes they just sit
and be quiet, rest.

And you look
for this idea.

[audience laughing]

♪ Somewhere

♪ Over

♪ The rainbow

[audience cheering,
applauding]

♪ Way up high

♪ There's a land
that I heard of ♪

♪ Once in a lullaby

♪♪ [guitar]♪ Somewhere

♪ Over the rainbow

♪ Skies are blue

♪ And the dreams
that you care to dream ♪

♪ Really do

♪ Come true

♪ Where troubles melt
like lemon drops ♪

♪ Away above
the chimney tops ♪

♪ That's where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Somewhere
over the rainbow ♪

♪ Bluebirds fly

♪ Birds fly
over the rainbow ♪

♪ Why then,
oh, why can't I? ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ If happy
little bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Beyond the rainbow

♪ Why, oh, why

♪ Can't I?

[audience cheering,
applauding]

[cheering continues]

When I'm elected
president...

[cheering]

I will let Texas
secede from the nation...

[audience cheering]

for they can do things
for our side

that we cannot do as a big,
old, cumbersome country.

They can attack Cuba...

[audience cheering]

and just play ignorant...

[audience laughing]

say, "We didn't know
you couldn't do that."

[audience laughing]

"We was looking
for better beachfront
than Brownsville,

and we come ashore wasn't
nobody here but the help."

Whoa.[audience]
Ooh.

When elected,
I will also put the words

on the back of the signs
out on the freeway

so you don't have
to go under 'em and say,
"What did that say?"

[laughing, cheering]

And when I'm president,
never again will we have

a national holiday
like Fourth of July
on a Wednesday.

[audience cheering]

Remember, two wrongs
don't make a right,

three rights make a left.

[cheering]

I believe I should also
tell the women truthfully

that men like a woman
that'll kiss their ass

'cause we can
turn around real fast.

[cheering]

Now...

I want you to just
take time to dream.

Take time to dream
and hang out with the kids.

That'll show you
how to do some dreaming.

That's where I'm going now.
It's my turn with Aimee.

And I'm supposed to be
watching her right--
Aimee? A-Aimee?

How did you get up there?

[laughing]

That's how she
got up there.

So it's time for me
to get out of here.

And I want you all
to just slow down
in your life.

And remember, take the time
to check the sprinklers.

Check the sprink--

[Gallagher yelling]

Check the sprinklers!

Aghhh!

[cheering, screaming]

Check the sprinklers!

Aghhh!

Aghhh!

[cheering]

One,

two--Two, three!

[cheering]

[synchronized applause]

[audience cheering]

♪♪ [guitar]

[Gallagher]
♪ Somewhere
over the rainbow ♪

♪ Way up high

♪ There's a land
that I heard of ♪

♪ Once in a lullaby

♪ Somewhere
over the rainbow ♪

♪ Skies are blue

♪ And the dreams
that you care to dream ♪

♪ Really do come true

♪ Someday I'll wish
upon a star ♪

♪ And wake up where
the clouds are far behind me ♪

♪ Where troubles melt
like lemon drops ♪

♪ Away above
the chimney tops ♪

♪ That's where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Somewhere
over the rainbow ♪

♪ Bluebirds fly

♪ Birds fly
over the rainbow ♪

♪ Why then,
oh, why can't I? ♪

♪ If happy
little bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Beyond the rainbow

♪ Why, oh, why

♪ Can't I?