Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.LT

♪♪ ["Deep In The Heart Of Texas"]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT

[male announcer] From deep in the heart of Texas,

the city of Beaumont welcomes Gallagher.

[audience cheering]

[gunshots]

Beaumont!

[whooping][gunshots]

Beaumont!

Yeah!

Whoo-ha-haw!

Well, all right!

[cheering continues]

Texas![gunshot]

Well, let me welcome myself to Texas.

[audience cheering]

Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.

[audience laughing]

We're gonna talk about it here tonight.

This is my idea to solve the gun problem in this country.

You make it the law that all guns must have a barrel this long,

'cause you can see it would be very difficult to conceal this weapon.

If somebody came--[audience laughing]

[audience applauding, cheering]

If somebody came limping up to you on the street,

you know you're gonna get held up when they stick that in your back

and they can't reach your wallet.

This has some safety features too.

You can't injure yourself cleaning this gun.

And it makes suicide damn near impossible.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Well, I sure do welcome you to the show here tonight.

This here is gonna be a smart show tonight.

We're gonna do a show that ain't like what you see on the network.

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence.

They got one marked "brightness," but it don't work, does it?

No.

They got-- They got shows on TV like Chachi Loves Chachi,

Joanie Loves Mr. T, Leave It To Jeannie, I Dream Of Beaver.

It's all the same stuff.

I like you people. You know, they've done a study of my audience,

and they discovered that I draw the top five percent of the population.

Welcome to the show.

[cheering]

I know you people. You're the smart ones.

You're not the ones going down the freeway

with the seat belt hanging out the door making sparks.

[audience laughing, applauding]

You're not the ones going over the overpass

with the turn signal on.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.

Get out of the way.

That's the problem with this world--

laid out for people with a bovine intelligence.

You can see it in their eyes.

They got the cow eyes. You can just say to 'em--

And they go, "What? "

And the world's laid out for them lower 95 cattle kind of people.

Bovine intelligence. Oh, they make it look real nice

down at the restaurant, down at the bank, down at the airport.

They got a velvety rope and a chrome post,

but it's still a corral for making you moo-o-o.

But what you need,

and what we're gonna talk about here tonight,

is how to have new eyes.

Where's my new eyes?

See, with these new eyes--

[audience applauding]

With these new eyes, you look at the world,

and you'll begin to see it in a new way, and you'll get pissed.

Where's my whip? Where's my whip? Here's my whip.

Boy, it makes me want to get these-- I'll take my new eyes off.

I got this here in Texas at a 7-Eleven.

[audience laughing, applauding, cheering]

Right.

It was hanging right next to the Cool Whip. I said,

"Cool Whip and a bullwhip. Give me that, yeah."

To me, I can't even see

why a bull would be afraid of this damn bullwhip.

Does it look so tough to you? Just get back.

Don't make me do it.

Come on.

If I was a cowboy, I'd just walk up to the bull and I'd say,

"Here. Put these on.

You see this? Made out of a cow."

[audience laughing, applauding]

I like you people. You already have new eyes.

A lot of people, this is a very difficult concept for them to embrace.

It's difficult to step aside and look at this world a new way.

Let's just take something that you've looked at a long time

and just never noticed before.

Let's look at Christmas

from a fire prevention...

[laughs]

point of view.

Now...

[audience laughing]

when it's dry in your house

and you got the heater on to help dry that air out real good,

you go get an evergreen tree.

You put it in the corner next to the drapes.

You lace it with cheap wiring.

You put packages of tissue paper wrapped in tissue paper underneath,

then invite your friends over, get drunk and light candles.

[laughing]

Wha--

What's going on, gang?

What about Easter?

Whose idea is it to give eggs to an animal that hops?

Give me the eggs! Give me the eggs!

That's why they hard-boil 'em and put 'em in a basket of grass--

because this shit doesn't make any sense.

How come, when we want to talk to somebody,

we ask 'em out to eat and busy the only orifice we was interested in?

And can you tell me why,

for God's--

Tell my why.

The people at the grocery store must not have kids,

otherwise they wouldn't put the candy next to the cash register...

[cheering]

where--

where you got to stand with 'em.

And, sure enough, they see it sooner or later.

And then everybody has to listen to everybody

go through their candy shit with their kids.

You know?

[audience applauding, cheering]

"No, you can't have any. We got some at home.

Okay, you can just have one. Don't open it now.

Okay, you can just have one.

Okay, you can have one, too.

Okay, they can have one. They're not in our family!"

In this world you got to keep your guard up.

You never know what's gonna happen.

[screaming]

I got you so easy.

[applauding, cheering]

What are you laughing about?

What are you laughing about?

[screaming, shouting]

See what I'm saying?

You got to keep your guard up in this world.

Do you know some people catch polio from the vaccine?

Whoa! You wouldn't know that was coming at you that way.

In some states, if you're-- Well, it ain't you.

But in one state, they have a law

that if you're gonna kill somebody by lethal injection,

you have to dip the needle in alcohol.

Whoa.

[cheering]

You better watch out.

In the next five years, some countries will have nuclear bombs

that do not have an air force.

What, are they gonna send it Federal Express?

[cheering]

And what's happening in our country?

The government is coming down on 'em,

coming down on them lower 95.

And only we see what they're doing,

how they're telling them the opposite of what is.

It's all through the world. It ain't just the government.

Have you ever met the son of a bitch that works at the courtesy booth?

Well, one's better at hammering government, and they figure shit out.

Instead of telling the lower 95

that they are building more nuclear missiles,

we tell 'em they're building down, building down.

They go, "Oh. Oh!

Oh.

'Build down.' Oh!"

Then we have a defense department

that has a first-strike capability.

First-strike on a defense?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding, cheering]

See?

Your sword's different than your shield.

We ought to have a department of offense and just say it like it is.

[audience cheering, applauding]

We have a department of the interior

that's in charge of everything outdoors.

That's just to screw you up and get you off base

so you believe what else they say

about how social security has a safety net.

Right. They shouldn't have called it social secur--

They should've called it so-so security.

[audience laughing, cheering]

Maybe there'll be money there.

Maybe there won't.

See, they look at it from their point of view.

You won't hear anybody talk like this in politics, see,

'cause this has a point of view, see, that they just--

You can't have a real point of view in politics,

otherwise you might get cornered, see.

A politician, he don't say nothing.

He says plus with the beginning of a sentence,

minus with the end of it so it don't add up to nothing.

That's why, when you're done listening to a politician--

[audience applauding, cheering

That's why, when you're done listening to a politician,

you just say, "What did he say?"

He said, "Vote for me. I'm a nice guy."

That's basically all he wants you to base your decision on, just:

"I'm a nice guy. How do you like my coat? Here's my family."

Oh, good, his dick works.

[laughing, cheering]

Tired of screwing her. Wants to try us.

[laughing, cheering]

Get down!

[cheering]

They're using language against us,

using our own language against us.

They don't call a tax a tax. They call it a revenue enhancer,

'cause they looked at their revenue and noticed it had been enhanced.

Why? 'Cause it went from our "hance" to their "hance."

[audience laughing, applauding]

That's why.

They do even more diabolical things.

It's just how they want to name it,

what they want to call it, you know.

You never hear about a worldwide--

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[audience members shouting]

You're very correct to have your plastic up at this point.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Score yourself five bonus points.

But the point that I'm making is

that when a worldwide oil catastrophe ever happens,

they don't call it a worldwide oil catastrophe.

They make it sound like some kind of kitchen accident.

Oh, wait-- Spill. Oh!

We spilt the oil.

Oh. We spilt.

[audience laughing]

And what have they done? And what are we doing?

We are ruining water. Let's look at that with our new eyes,

'cause water is important for a civilization

that has been here longer than plumbing.

[audience laughing]

[cheering]

Yeah.

Why? Well, we all know why.

Now, the first peoples was nomads.

They traveled from one place they lived for a while

to another place they would live for a while...

because there was no plumbing.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience cheering]

They begin all right. They say, "I like it here."

Everybody said, "I like it here."

Then after a while they say, "Do you like it here?"

And they head out.

Except, well, rivers.

Rivers helped a lot. Kind of like natural plumbing.

So rivers was very important

at the beginning of time, as they are now.

But let's talk about more at the beginning of time.

I want to take everybody's head

and just take it back.

Let's just go back.

I got to tell you about these people. You're gonna like 'em.

Like I told you, they're from

where the Tigris and the Euphrates rivers come real close,

and that was the nicest place on Earth back then.

So that's the first place that they built condominiums.

So the Jews moved in.

Now--

But I want to tell you now about a race of people

that existed back there, that I believe are the forefathers,

maybe even the reincarnation we are of them, the first Americans.

I'm talking about the Phoenicians.

[low voice] "The Phoenicians?"

The Phoenicians

And so the Phoenicians, they set sail.

They had boats. If you don't have land, you have boats.

And you head out in these boats.

And being clever, they found a dye in a shellfish

that turned regular, old, dull cotton

into beautiful blue.

And they went to sell this new fabric.

[audience members hooting, whistling]

I know it.

They went straight to the king, and they said,

"King, you need to buy some of this."

The king said, "Why?" And they said, "'Cause it's royal blue."

The king said, "I like that."

[audience applauding]

The king said, "How much is it?"

They said, "A lot." The king said, "I like that.

Give me too much."

Kings always buy too much if it costs a lot.

But then the Phoenicians, they went off

and they sold it to the sublords and the subkings.

Pretty soon they had this at Robes "R" Us.

And everybody had it.

So they come out with another commodity.

They found a way of mixing tin with copper,

and they made bronze.

They made 'em swords.

You gotta remember there wasn't much to do back then

but walk around, wearing your pretty robe,

being real careful with your sword...

because...

[audience applauding]

they weren't gonna sell 'em the sheaths till next year, you see.

I told you these is real clever people

and there wasn't much to do but commerce, like I'm telling you,

and keeping track of it and keeping secrets.

These was a very secretive people.

If you was following them to find out where they get the tin

to put in the copper to make the bronze,

they'd wreck their boat and not let you see where they went and did it.

And so these people had to keep track of what they did.

So they invented a way of doing it.

They just-- When they sold a cow,

they made this letter here called "aleph."

And everything had been just fine,

except they didn't want nobody to know that they'd sold that cow.

That looks like ox to you, don't it?

Well, it sure as hell does. But--[audience laughing]

But do you know what's happened over the centuries?

Just to keep it a secret, the Phoenicians

finally ended up with that letter looking like that,

and that's the "A" that begins our alphabet.

Can you believe it?

[audience] No!

Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code

to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' nose

out of the Phoenician cattle business.

You gotta make out the sense when you've got kids.

I got a three-year-old baby, and I'm trying to teach her the language.

That's why I started looking into these letters,

'cause I would say, "This here is an 'A.'"

And she'd say, "Why?" Then I gotta look it up.

[audience applauding]

And it's hard having a--

Well, see, babies are born with new eyes.

They look at the world with new eyes.

And you begin to see things, too, through their eyes.

I had a problem with her, with toilet training,

and I don't blame her a bit.

'Cause, first, I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table.

Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch.

Then here was this chair you could shit in. You know.

[cheering]

So anyway, we've been having a good time learning together.

We're learning things-- It's hard to teach a kid to stay to the right.

What's the difference between right and left, you know?

And it's hard to teach a kid about chewing gum.

It's something you put in your mouth and you don't swallow.

I say, "Now, you chew it. Now you done? Spit it out.

Okay."

Then weeding. You want something difficult? Weeding.

I'm out there, pulling out the weeds.

She's coming along behind, catching what I miss

of the green things.

[audience laughing, applauding]

She's not old enough. She's only three.

She's not sophisticated enough to know the difference between a plant and a weed--

that if you water it and it dies, it's a plant.

If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.

But I hesitate to tell her stuff

'cause I want to see what she's gonna tell me first

so I can see the world in her new eyes.

We don't go to the restaurant.

We go to the "dinner store."

[audience laughing]

And her foot don't fall asleep. It gets "sparkled."

[audience laughing]

So now I eat at the dinner store.

My foot gets sparkled.

[audience laughing]

I believe it's all part of being different,

part of being an American, part of being a kid,

part of being the ones that shows the whole world how to play,

how to use one side of your brain...

[audience applauding, cheering]

and then another side of your brain.

That's okay. I got two.

[laughing]

This is a new event in the next Olympics.

It's called synchronized Ping-Pong, okay?

You gotta just kind of get in your way.

[audience applauding, cheering]

So,

it's all, I think, part of having fun--

just using your brain, looking at things a new way.

I invented this right here for people that like to honk their horn

but can't afford to drive a car.[honking]

[audience applauding]

Somebody gets in your way, butts in line, you go,

[honking][New York accent] "Hey.

[audience applauding]

I'm walkin' here."

[honks]

I knew I'd be in Texas to do this show,

so I come out with a heavy-duty--[truck horn honking]

[cheering][honk, honk]

[honk]

[honking]

[honks]

Use this in the bathroom to keep 'em from opening the stall.

When you see it go a crack, you go--[honks]

They go-- [screams]

"Damn, there was an 18-wheeler in there."

[honks]

[audience applauding, cheering]

Boy, you talk about big rigs.

I found these.

Boy, imagine this coming, jogging at you.

[cheering]

I found these at a store.

I like going in stores where people ain't

to get stuff that you don't see everybody wearing.

I just couldn't think of a really cool way of wearing that.

But I did find this bathing suit for being out at the pool.

Now, you don't have to wear this the way everybody else does.

You can come in on the side on this.

Just come up to the top here.

And then you move this part here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

See what I'm talking about? It's time to swim, yeah!

I got you so easy.

Bathing suit. Bathing suit.

Bathing suit, water.

Bathing suit, water.

Bathing suit, water.

So anyway,

I wanted this in a color.

I wanted a dark color for this.

I went and I found the blue one,

but the fun part wasn't big.

And I thought, "Well,

that ain't just me that needs that that way."

[audience laughing, applauding]

You know what I mean?

So I showed the guy there at the store.

I said, "Listen, man,

buns that big is gonna need bigger balls.

[audience applauding, cheering]See the--

But, anyway,

you women understand what I'm talking about.

Women understand shopping.

Women have a lobe of their brain just for shopping.

It ain't one they got natural. It's one they cleared out.

It's one you naturally have that gets you out of the bathroom.

That's why women can't get out of the bath-- You send a woman in the bathroom,

they just lose it.

[laughing]

You guys say, "Where is she?"

She went in the bathroom two hours ago. I'll go get her."

You go in there. "Come on out. Look, your family, the house, the world."

"Oh, I was in the bathroom. Oh."

So women have this lobe in their brain,

and it's got room for inventory.

It's where women store information about shopping,

shopping lore, facts that men don't have any way of ever knowing.

A woman knows that if you see a bargain in a window, and you're shopping,

it's okay to go, "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"

Now--

Now, also in that lobe of your brain

you have a need, like a narcotic.

A woman must shop.

If she hasn't shopped in a while,

this need builds up.

And men understand--

We understand this need you have, and we can live with it.

We learned to put up with your period. We can handle this.

So...[audience applauding, cheering]

they slowly kind of get antsy around the house

when they haven't shopped for a while.

You can see it just kind of getting 'em after a while.

And they'll say things like, "Oh, I need that.

Oh, I need that.

That's two things.

I'll make a list."

Then she tells everyone in the house,

"I'm making a list.

I'm going shopping."

Then she tells everybody, "I'm going shopping. I'll need money.

I'll need the car. I'm going shopping.

You'll have to get your own clothes. I'm going shopping.

You'll have to make your own meal. I'm going shopping.

You'll have to get your own life together. I'm going shopping!"

[audience cheering]

Now, they don't get their real fix for shopping

until they reach the doors of the shopping center

and they open it up and they get that whoosh of the air conditioner.

A woman says, "Oh, good, too much.

They're always pampering me."

Then she goes inside this world made for her.

She gets a whiff of the cosmetics counter

where that woman is sitting over there with glop all over her face.

[audience applauding]

Then there's the escalator,

silent servants taking her up to bargains or down to the basement.

And then she goes into a trance,

her shopping mode,

perpetrated by those men who run that place.

They hone in on that lobe of her brain

with a hypnotic sound that they tell you is an answering kind of device

to get the guy from Socks to pick up the phone, but it ain't.

It's right on your brain. It puts you asleep where you go--

Bong bong.

Bong bong.

"I'm shopping."

Bong bong. Then they say, "Hello, shoppers."

You go, "Yes!

I'm shopping."

Women understand their position in life--

that of a major purchasing agent.

When a woman says, "I'm going bye-bye,"

she means b-u-y, b-u-y.

[audience laughing, applauding]Now--

See, this all makes sense.

But, hey, we got to start the show.

So it's almost time here to start the show.

And, uh, almost time to start the show.

But I want to put on my tap shoes

'cause the show always starts with a tap number.

And, um--

And, uh, jeez, I wish I--

I didn't have a chance to tell you

about our disintegrating environment.

I didn't get a chance to talk about this,

but I think we talked about it in the sixties,

and we all decided, "Don't poop in the tub."

Didn't we?[audience laughing]

Right. I think we all discussed this.

And it really affects me when I see these fish with cancers of the lip

'cause I know that God gave fish lips

so that we could see what it looked like if that happened to us.

You see? And McDonald's is trying to push their fish sandwiches.

Where are they gonna get the fish?

And where are they getting them little square ones they're frying now?

[audience laughing, applauding]That's what I want to know.

But, you see--

But, you see, in the future,

animals will just adapt to a disintegrating environment,

and butterflies that match leaves and trees right now

will just match garbage later on.

You see? Oh, yeah, we'll have all kind of strange little animals.

I got some of 'em right here for you.

First of all, some French fly.

They hide around the McDonald's.

Now here, this is a Twinkie bug.

It just looks like a Twinkie.

This here is a trash rat.

You see?

[audience applauding, cheering]

It--

It ain't gonna get hit by the kids with BB guns

'cause they can't pick it out from the rest of the animals.

I ain't saying it'll happen real fast, just over a period of eons.

Slowly the rats that look most like a Sunkist will survive.

This is a shutterbug I made just to be silly.

Now, the problem with armadillos

is they look like speed bumps.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience cheering]

So--

You know, a Texan don't slow down for speed bumps.

[audience cheering]

And, of course, the slow old turtle

that looked the most like tires,

they'll survive, see?

That there is "Reston." He used to--

I ain't saying it'll happen real fast, just over a period of time.

Now, this is just what might happen naturally.

Just by natural, that don't count what we might do on purpose

'cause we now control gene splicing.

We want to make a new animal, we can do it.

We could make a watchdog that you can't sneak up behind.

[audience laughing, applauding]

And now these are real clean animals, too.

They go round and round in a circle and never do shit.

Oh, it gets worse.

I heard of statewide contaminations.

Statewide contaminations,

a big old toxic splash

of some kind of chemical,

some kind of agent orange-y green

or light blue 2905 XL-2509

surging through the bodies of every voter in the state.

That's weird. What might be happening now?

Their spine might be curving around

unnaturally

till finally their head goes up their ass.

[laughing]

And then their skin gets like foam rubber,

and they put on extra weight,

move out of state and get jobs.

Serious problem.

But it don't belong in my show. Listen.[muted tapping]

[audience cheering]

Is that good? Is that good? That's not--

Could I have a sound man out here, please?

Just listen to this part right here and tell me what you think.

Look at this right-- Look. Look.

Does this look-- Where's "look" on you? Where is "look"?

Are you looking? How are you looking? Can you hear this?

Hell, no, you can't hear this.

You got a crack going the other way, too.

Look here. It affects everything on their body.

I'll put your wrench back.

I'm gonna make sure I hit the right hole.

I don't want to make you mad. might come out of there...

shit-faced.

Hey.

[audience cheering]

What?

Oh, you gotta go on break. Right.

Why don't you go have a cigarette?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Okay, it's just about time to start the show,

so I'm gonna get going here.

Uh, he's taking a break. I don't have a mic for the floor.

I'll do, um...

I'll do the river poem. I'll do the river poem.

I'll do the river poem!

[audience cheering, applauding]

I'm your local river,

and I'm older than anyone here.

And I haven't said anything up to now,

but I got to finally make myself clear.

Now, how would you feel if I threw cans in your bed?

And how comfy do you think are these tires?

And what would you do if I sewered on you

and put oil on your top and lit fires?

Some places, I'm dead and drying up.

Other places, my flow is reversed.

I got acid. I glow in the dark.

But these suds is what's really the worst.

Suds so you can see your faces in your dinner dishes.

Well, I'm a reflection of you, too.

And, as you can see, you're some dirty sons of bitches.

[audience cheering, applauding]

And stupid, too.

You kill bugs with pesticides

that drain off and kill the fish

that used to eat the bug larvae

that are now immune to your shit.

Now, I may be a sendimental fool, but don't you love me anymore?

If you would, you'd quit messing with my pH.

I like it closer to 7 than 4.

Now, I ain't complaining. I like working.

I don't even mind being dammed.

I'll fill the mill and tote that barge,

but I got to be the me that I am.

I have a body to be proud of.

It flows in my family.

I got it from my father's forks

and my mother's tributaries.

Now, you see, a river is the cleanest thing,

like a tear that clears the eye.

[burps]

I am made of raindrops.

I'm the one you judge clean by.

But, no, look how I gotta look

'cause nobody listens to rivers.

But why should I expect you to take care of me?

Look what you did to your liver.

Now, if you was me, what would you do?

You'd say, "Shove this old job," I think.

So I'm here to quit my position as river

and get me something besides dioxins to drink

'cause, if I'm gonna be polluted, I might as well be drunk.

I'm tired of doing the dirty work.

Garbage trucks wouldn't carry this junk.

Now, I talked to the Danube who is blacker than blue.

I've talked to the Elbe and the East River, too.

I've talked to the Hudson and the ole Mississip.

And I've met mouth to mouth with most streams that are hip.

And they're quitting, too. They're turning to goo.

This shit's got to stop. For once, we're dumping on you.

We're just staying up in the mountains and just making lakes.

And you people can dry up and just blow away. Now--

I could have just gone, but I thought, "What about songs?"

You can't sing, "How lovely is dirt,

how the moonbeams shine on the soil."

A world without rivers really hurts.

So I'll stay, but you better change,

or we'll be having this hassle again.

Remember, I move as much freight as the teamsters,

and look how you bend over for them.

Well, there's the mic. Let's do the tap number.

[cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment,

the tap-dancing girl.

♪♪ [piano]Turn. Look out.

Oh!

Don't kick me--

Isn't she good?

[audience cheering]

Oh!

I'm coming. Back up.

[cheering]

Bring them home!

We're going home now.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.So--

But who is she? It's time for Trivial Pursuit.

Yes, Trivial Pursuit. You've seen her before in your life.

Where? Where? The time is running out. The time is running out.

It's almost over. Here's your clues.

Cubby, Darlene, Annette.

Sharon!

[audience cheering, applauding]

Sharon Baird, an original Mouseketeer.

Get down!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.Well...

Sharon, it's almost time for Sledge-O-Matic,

and that's no place for a lady.

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering continues]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I did not come here tonight to make you laugh.

I came here to sell you something.

I want you to pay particular attention

because the amazing Master Tool Corporation,

a subsidiary of Fly By Night Industries,

has entrusted who? Me.

To show you the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool you've ever seen.

And don't you want to know how it works?

[audience] Yeah!

Well, first, you get out an ordinary apple.

You place the ordinary apple between the patented pan.

Then you reach for the tool that is not a slicer.

It's not a dicer. It's not a chopper in a hopper.

What in the hell can it possibly be?

It is Sledge-O-Matic!

[screaming]

Let's look at that one more time.

Could it be this easy?

Yes, it's just that easy.

Now, what about citrus?

No problem!

What about lettuce?

No problem!

What about wine?

No problem.

A small melon?

No problem.

A pineapple?

No problem.

You want this taco to go?

That sumbitch is gone.

It's just that easy.

You want sauce on that?

You want sauce on that? You got it.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Now--

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[audience gasping, laughing]

Now, Sledge-O-Matic

will add extra punch

to an old battery.

Now, Sledge-O-Matic

also show your three-year-old

she ain't gonna have that bottle no more!

Now, Sledge-O-Matic will also release aggression.

You can use Sledge-O-Matic

on things you never thought.

[cheering]

Yeah.

Take that!

I want my paper!

[cheering continues]

You want new eyes?

Here's your new eyes!

Sledge-O-Matic kills most common household pests.

Sledge-O-Matic also kills uncommon household pests,

like the fruit fly.

You're dead!

Damn, that killed him good.

The butterfly.

[audience cheering, applauding]

The butterfly.

No problem!

Eww!

The water bug.

You're dead.

From the farms of Three Mile Island,

the dreaded pineapple-us.

Eww.

You're dead!

Now, I know what you're gonna say.

"Look at what a mess Sledge-O-Matic did."

But look how easily it cleans.

Mmm.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen, Sharon Baird.

[cheering]

Now--

I didn't come here tonight

to smash a bunch of produce.

I came here tonight

to explode your world

so you'll put it back the way you want it

instead of the way it was accidentally put together

by people thousands of years ago,

or even yesterday, if it don't suit you.

Dreaming, that's what to do.

If you want to put sour cream on your French fries

and ketchup on your baked potato,

I say, "Why not?"

[cheering]

I believe the secret there is asking why.

Just ask why. Why?

[audience] Why?

Why can you buy a whole chess set at a pawn shop?

[audience laughing]

I don't know.[audience members] Why?

Why was there a flood on the Colorado River this year

when we got the Hoover Dam?

Why?Why?

I don't know. You can take a bus from Vegas

and go see the lever they never did pull.

[audience members] Why?

Because they just watched the water

go up in the tub and over the top.

Why?[audience] Why?

'Cause water can make a decision.

[cheering]

What I'm talking about,

I just don't have the time.

I don't. I wanted to do something on air pollution,

and I really don't have the time.

I saw this commercial on TV for a tooth polish for smokers.

It said, "How are you going to get that off your teeth?"

And I thought, "It must be on your lungs."

[laughing]

[cheering]

So--

But in America you just fix what shows.

He dies of lung cancer, but he has such a nice smile.

[audience laughing]

Now it's the same way in the area of air pollution.

We got such tall smokestacks

on all of our factories

that the problem just goes over your head.

[audience cheering, applauding]

But I didn't have an idea I could put in this show for air pollution.

I need some idea that'll focus public attention,

some clever little way of doing something.

And I didn't come up with it, but I know that I will

'cause I just stop.

I just stop for a while,

and I think

and I think.

It ain't easy. A heavyweight fight ain't always fighting.

Sometimes they just sit and be quiet, rest.

And you look for this idea.

[audience laughing]

♪ Somewhere

♪ Over

♪ The rainbow

[audience cheering, applauding]

♪ Way up high

♪ There's a land that I heard of ♪

♪ Once in a lullaby

♪♪ [guitar]♪ Somewhere

♪ Over the rainbow

♪ Skies are blue

♪ And the dreams that you care to dream ♪

♪ Really do

♪ Come true

♪ Where troubles melt like lemon drops ♪

♪ Away above the chimney tops ♪

♪ That's where you'll find me ♪

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪

♪ Bluebirds fly

♪ Birds fly over the rainbow ♪

♪ Why then, oh, why can't I? ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ If happy little bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Beyond the rainbow

♪ Why, oh, why

♪ Can't I?

[audience cheering, applauding]

[cheering continues]

When I'm elected president...

[cheering]

I will let Texas secede from the nation...

[audience cheering]

for they can do things for our side

that we cannot do as a big, old, cumbersome country.

They can attack Cuba...

[audience cheering]

and just play ignorant...

[audience laughing]

say, "We didn't know you couldn't do that."

[audience laughing]

"We was looking for better beachfront than Brownsville,

and we come ashore wasn't nobody here but the help."

Whoa.[audience] Ooh.

When elected, I will also put the words

on the back of the signs out on the freeway

so you don't have to go under 'em and say, "What did that say?"

[laughing, cheering]

And when I'm president, never again will we have

a national holiday like Fourth of July on a Wednesday.

[audience cheering]

Remember, two wrongs don't make a right,

three rights make a left.

[cheering]

I believe I should also tell the women truthfully

that men like a woman that'll kiss their ass

'cause we can turn around real fast.

[cheering]

Now...

I want you to just take time to dream.

Take time to dream and hang out with the kids.

That'll show you how to do some dreaming.

That's where I'm going now. It's my turn with Aimee.

And I'm supposed to be watching her right-- Aimee? A-Aimee?

How did you get up there?

[laughing]

That's how she got up there.

So it's time for me to get out of here.

And I want you all to just slow down in your life.

And remember, take the time to check the sprinklers.

Check the sprink--

[Gallagher yelling]

Check the sprinklers!

Aghhh!

[cheering, screaming]

Check the sprinklers!

Aghhh!

Aghhh!

[cheering]

One,

two--Two, three!

[cheering]

[synchronized applause]

[audience cheering]

♪♪ [guitar]

[Gallagher] ♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪

♪ Way up high

♪ There's a land that I heard of ♪

♪ Once in a lullaby

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪

♪ Skies are blue

♪ And the dreams that you care to dream ♪

♪ Really do come true

♪ Someday I'll wish upon a star ♪

♪ And wake up where the clouds are far behind me ♪

♪ Where troubles melt like lemon drops ♪

♪ Away above the chimney tops ♪

♪ That's where you'll find me ♪

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪

♪ Bluebirds fly

♪ Birds fly over the rainbow ♪

♪ Why then, oh, why can't I? ♪

♪ If happy little bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Beyond the rainbow

♪ Why, oh, why

♪ Can't I?