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[applause]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

Gallagher goes Melon Crazy!

Well, I went melon crazy.

Why? Because it's deductible.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I finally earned more money

than I can smoke.

[cheering, applause]

So...

I made us one of these. What do you think?

If we'd have given the money to the government,

they'd have just wasted it.

Now we have a nice one of these. Isn't it great?

You see, what happens is you just pick a theme and you run with it,

once you decide to spend a lot of money.

The more ideas you can come up with, the better you are.

Here's a melon plane here and a melon bomb,

and you know how these things start.

Pretty soon, people start giving you stuff.

You get a melon bowl, and melon napkin holders,

and melon salt and pepper shakers.

Little melon things you can't do nothing with.

Then you got melon pigs.

Get one more expensive thing that I can charge off

to my income tax.

There's a pin on the front!

All right, go get yours and we'll race.

All right, come on down. Come on down. Come on, come on, boy.

All right, do the very difficult turn around,

and put it in the hole. There you go.

[cheering, applause]

So in America we're talking about style.

We're talking about doing things different.

And it's not always done that way around the world.

You take this right here. I got these two products.

Now, one was made in America and one was made in Hong Kong.

All right? Hong Kong's idea of a good time.

Now, to an American, that's not fully extended.

[horn sounds]

All right!

Get down! Americans got their own style!

- Right, America? - [cheering]

Where's the beef?

That's America!

You gotta be creative, do something different.

I'm coming out with a purse made out of chameleon skin.

So no matter what a girl wears, it matches.

I'm coming out with a product for people that go to the chiropractor.

You know, you get all your vertebrae in line, somebody whacks you on the back,

you lose your money. Stay bones in a spray.

This has some sexual uses too, I think is gonna go--

That works good in America, don't it?

I'm also coming out with a Playboymagazine for married guys.

Every month, same girl.

We all know that men and women's brains are different.

That men can handle numbers and women can handle words.

So who handles the checkbook and who does the talking?

The one who screws it up, that's who!

But it ain't just you and your family relationship.

This whole country is kinda laid out backwards.

You explain to me why it is when you write a check that bounces,

the bank charges you more of what they know you don't have any of!

I know!

But I can't explain that stuff to these people.

And this is why the flying saucers are not landing.

'Cause we're so damn stupid!

They know us! They know that if they hang out with us,

sooner or later we're gonna take them out, get them drunk,

beat the shit out of them, and take their flying saucer.

Ooh!

'Cause that's America!

Where things are kind of laid out by Curly, Moe and Larry!

We understand these things. We've learned to live with the fact

that if a person can't make a living in this country as a contractor,

can't build a house that people like at a price they can afford,

he goes out of business, you know what happens? He becomes an inspector!

Who's in charge?

I'll tell you. It's people that are slowly trying to put us to sleep.

First a few things don't make sense.

Like you have a hot water heater in your house,

and you don't need to heat hot water.

Then there's a permanent press setting on your iron.

Then you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

Just to be silly.

Cargo goes by ship, a shipment goes by truck.

You have a pair of panties, but just one bra.

Then later on, they sneak in peacekeeper missiles.

And Christian militia. What is this?

So I'm tying these things in, you see?

I can't believe women ever wore a bra anyway.

Click it in the front and grind it around, grind it around,

grind it around, grind it around.

That's like a trick the men made up just to piss them off. You know?

Gets them right under there.

So we're gonna talk about these things.

Both sexes, I'm not just gonna pick on the women

'cause they shave off their eyebrows and then paint them back in.

I'm gonna pick on everybody. This is a crazy country we live in.

Can you tell me why there's a high flame on this lighter?

I mean, do you do any welding?

What's the deal? I looked on the back of a smoke alarm.

There's a guarantee. Why?

If it don't work, what's left?

Am I the only one that sees this thing?

I'm watching this commercial for Ruffles Potato Chips.

And they said they're like flavor curves.

And if you believe that, you're, like, stupid.

I believe just about one out of four

is critically stupid in these United States.

Don't you think just about 25 percent?

Just about one out of four people that you bump into,

you bump into them because they ain't looking where the hell they're going!

Well, if 25 percent of the population is stupid,

why are we upset over ten percent unemployment?

I'm upset about the 15 percent of the stupid people that have jobs!

They're either on break, coming back from break, filling in for somebody on break,

just got hired and don't care, just gonna quit and don't care,

just filling in for somebody that don't care.

Really! And who's figuring it out anyway?

I-- Why do the foreigners drive the cabs at the airport?

Does this make any sense? You get into a strange town,

you get in a cab with a guy from another country.

I got in a cab in Las Vegas with a guy from Ethiopia.

You think about this. You get in the middle of the desert,

you get in a cab with a guy from Ethiopia and tell him to take you to the Sands,

he can go in any direction.

To me, this is serious. Anyway-- no, listen.

I don't have anything against foreigners, but it ain't no reason to give them a job.

[laughter, applause]

That has to do with an intimate knowledge of the society.

In London, you gotta take a test to be a cabbie.

I'm just saying there should be some sense here.

I mean, really, I was going to Las Vegas to gamble,

but I didn't wanna gamble on my cab ride.

I'd go, "Oh, yeah, I bet he can drive!"

I was out at the airport the other day, I went through the, uh, the metal detector

and it didn't go "ding." 'Cause grass ain't metallic, all right?

I go through and it don't go "ding." She says, "Take off your hat."

I say, "Why? It didn't go ding." She says, "You might be hiding something."

I said, "It don't matter, as long as it don't go ding.

You're in charge of dingables." Am I right?

Well, I'm gonna stand my ground.

In this world, you got to point out ignorance and stupidity when you see it

and attack 'em with ignorance and stupidity. That's all they understand.

I'm telling you people the truth. I'm sitting in the first class section of the plane

the other day, 'cause I want to. I wanted that big, wide seat.

The guy behind me took off his shoes and put his socky old feet up on my armrest.

Socky old feet on my armrest.

Did I turn around and explain life to him in a civilized world?

Hell no.

I took off my socks and put 'em over the back of my chair.

Do you hear what I'm saying? Open your mind. Change this world if it ain't right.

Give the houses out by the airport to deaf people.

And save us all millions of dollars letting the Jehovah's Witnesses deliver the mail.

Yeah!

Get down!

We got a right to an attitude like this. I'm telling you, we're smart.

They don't believe we are. I wish you got a badge for being smart.

Don't you? For all the time that I go through life being good

I should get credit so I don't get bothered by the damn cops later on

when I slip once or twice.

Gotta get a big badge says "Don't bother him for little shit."

'Cause when I've had a little shit, I don't wanna be bothered.

Especially when I'm driving.

'Cause I'm always running against the law.

I had this good idea the other day. I got picked up for speeding.

I was going real fast so they wouldn't know I was stoned.

It seemed like a good idea when I had thought of it.

But when I sped up, the wind come in faster and took the red part off the end.

Then I couldn't... find it,

and I think that weaving attracted his attention too.

He pulls me over, comes walking up, says, "Where's the fire, boy?"

I said, "I don't know!"

So anyway, you know me. I'm just asking some questions.

How come marijuana's illegal in our society and this stuff is okay?

This here is chewing tobacco.

'Cause if ever I saw something ought to be called shit, it's that right there.

Look at it now!

That's some shit.

I don't know why you'd put something in your mouth you couldn't swallow anyway.

I'm just talking to you guys.

We can talk.

These new modern women have opened up all the categories.

Haven't you seen Donahue? We can talk about this stuff.

They talk about it. They talk about unwed lesbian Indians against nuclear energy.

We can sure talk about this.

I saw this commercial the other day for Maximum Cramp Relief.

And I thought, "Whoa, that opened it all up, didn't it?"

But I'm real glad to see that product, aren't you, men?

That means now we don't wanna hear nothing.

Right? Next time they walk around in their piss-ass attitude,

you say, "What's the matter? Didn't you get your Maximum Cramp Relief?"

You women, you just think you don't need us.

'Cause you been reading them books and watching them TV shows that tell you about sperm banks.

But I know that ain't never gonna work.

I've seen a woman try to pick out a tomato.

Am I right? Oh, here's a good one. Ready, guys?

"Oh, nothing."

Right? Every time we hear that, we know it's something.

Say, "What's the matter, honey?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Well, could you make me something to eat then?"

"Be glad to."

[cheering, applause]

"What's the matter, honey?"

"Oh, nothing."

So then they disappear in the bathroom for about two hours.

You don't know what the hell's going on. Then they're back...

"Honey, what'd you do to your hair?"

"Oh, nothing.

It's just a rinse.

This will all just wash out."

We know better, don't we, guys?

- [men] Yeah! - Right.

We gotta sleep with them ugly for two weeks.

I ain't just gonna pick on the girls.

Men been wearing these things around.

- [cheering] - See this?

Then they don't know what to match it with. "Is that okay, honey?

This all right?

This all right?"

All right, let me show you, this one's really got me mystified.

Back to the girls again.

Well, look at it, it's sleeveless.

With a hood.

For vacations in Alaska and Hawaii?

You see? I gots my questions.

This is a complex society that we live in

and these questions are necessary.

If your woman leaves you for another woman,

should you hold the door for both of them?

Why do skinny girls drive vans, fat girls cram it in a Datsun?

We don't know.

And why does the captain and the co-captain go out for the coin toss

at the beginning of the football game?

Wouldn't you send out the luckiest guy on the team?

Send out the guy that scored the night before.

Say, "Let me do it, coach.

Heads."

Them football players have a problem, you know.

They're afraid that we don't think they're smart.

So when you point the camera on them, they clear everything up

and say something real smart to us, don't they?

"Hi, Mom."

Like there's that many old ladies watching the game.

Or else, um, they say, "We're number one."

When I was a kid, number one and number two was nothing you wanted to be.

But you try to go to school and you're up against that same kind of stupidity.

First of all, the coaches are fat.

The reading teachers have ruined their eyes.

The counselors need someone to talk to.

And the shop teachers don't have all their fingers.

Get down!

I'm talking about a different kind of a world

and a different kind of an educational experience.

I'm talking about... being an American.

Being different.

Americans don't wanna hear about rules, laws.

Americans are creative and different.

You don't tell an American, "I before E except after C."

American don't care.

American don't know which way it goes, they just make kind of an "e" looking "i".

And then kind of an "i" looking "e."

Then you put the dot right there.

What an American does, all you're supposed to do is communicate.

When I was in school, they showed me that I didn't have to write

the great big word "cannot."

I could just make the word "can't."

I said, hey, that's a cool little invention there.

Could I use that on words I don't know how to spell?

"No, you can't."

Well, I said, if that replaces "n-o," then that must be equal to "n-o."

And I want to write "no," I could just make one of those things.

"No."

And I said, well then this makes no sense.

I mean, if you're gonna be silly about these things,

and make up a thing like a contraction,

I've always thought the word "look" should be written like this.

Doesn't that look like "look"?

And the word, uh, "whoa man"

should be written like this.

"Whoa, man."

I mean, that'll keep them out of the bathroom, won't it?

So anyway...

See, we can learn a lot of things about ourselves

by examining these things.

It all is... it's kind of, our culture's a record of the stupid things

that have occurred in it.

Well, you take our alphabet as an example.

Now, the "a" is there because that was the first sound that man made.

Comes out of the cave and he goes, "A!"

So we see-- we're by nature friendly.

"A!"

What's the second sound in our alphabet?

- [audience] B. - Beh.

"A!

Ah! Buh!"

- What's the third sound? - [audience] C.

No, it's "guh." 'Cause that's the gamma.

That "c"-- ah! You gotta go way back now.

Alphabet, so it's "ah, buh, guh."

What's the fourth sound? "Duh."

So let's look at the first sentence and figure out what the hell they were saying.

"Ah, buh, guh, day." "Have a good day!"

Do you see? If we apply our minds, if we just pick a concept and run with it,

that's what you do. You can't--

Just don't worry about people. That's the problem with politicians.

They worry about what people are gonna say.

You can't do that when you're working with new concepts.

People are worried about the cost of state government.

Let's just think about this a minute.

There must be too many state governments.

[audience murmuring]

If you wanna eliminate the cost of state government,

you eliminate the number of state governments you got.

It's that easy. Rhode Island has a state government. This is some silly shit.

Anybody here from Rhode Island? Fuck 'em!

[laughter]

It's embarrassing anyway when their two senators come in the Senate,

they all go, "Look, here come the two guys from Providence!" [snorting laugh]

Get down! Look, North and South Dakota is each a state.

There ought to be a law. First you got to have a state,

then you can have a state government.

Anybody here from North or South Dakota?

- [whistling] - Well, there ain't nobody there now.

Did you turn off the light?

States aren't grouped right anyway.

We ought to make them bigger, maxi-states.

States big enough and powerful enough to vie against California and Texas.

That's the way it should be. You can make one state out of everybody in New England.

That's the way it was when I had a puzzle when I was a kid.

New England was one piece, that should tell you something.

Make that one state up there, and make one state out of everybody from Buffalo

around the Great Lakes, up to Green Bay, call it Hockey.

They love that.

Make one state out of everybody in the South.

They all vote together that way anyway.

Call that Dixie.

Make one state out of Texas, of course.

I was gonna give Texas Oklahoma, but Texas don't want Oklahoma.

Texas wants Mexico.

But so does California.

They believe if you're gonna have to live with the people,

then you ought to get the real estate that goes with them.

So anyway, you put me in charge, and I'll change the face of everything.

I'll get rid of all them people arguing over the money in Washington.

They even got extra ones, 500 and some ain't enough.

You can't get 500 people to agree on nothing,

but let's go on vacation and raise our salary.

You ought to-- I could get rid of lobbyists.

They're people that hang out in the lobby, so they made a name for them. Lobbyists.

We don't want a government where money tells them what to do

on the way to the can and the water fountain.

Well, you couldn't get the Ten Commandments through Congress if Moses was buying drinks.

- [man] Gallagher for president! - I can't be president.

- [man] Why? - 'Cause I just wanna set it up.

I don't want people calling me the Honorable Gallagher.

You see, I don't want people being embarrassed

by having to remind me how to be, you know?

That's why they put "honorable" in front of politicians. It's to remind them.

"Have the honorable such-and-such and his lovely wife."

And you look at her and you realize they lie to each other all day long.

So anyway, this has been a real nice talk, and I'm glad I had a chance

to get this out of my system. It's now time to start the show.

The show has... has an opening act, and I'm really, uh,

really, uh, up about introduce-- What?

- [audience shouting] Go! - I'm going to, thanks!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm introducing right now,

he's original and he's good, the problem is the part that's original ain't that good,

and the part that's good ain't that damn original.

Uh, I want to, uh, to welcome a man that was educated beyond his intelligence.

He can't sing, he can't dance, he can't tell jokes,

there's literally no end to the things he can't do.

He's giving up a lucrative career in vinyl repair to be here with us tonight.

He's a formerler-- former counselor at a halfway house

for girls who won't go all the way.

Get ready, it's Bill the Kirchenbauer!

[cheering]

Oh, the wind from your applause!

[imitating wind blowing]

My impression of the Titanic.

[imitating engine revving]

[clears throat]

This is a hotel towel. These are free.

[squeaking]

[squeaking]

Oh, my gosh! I rubbed my face off!

Where's my face?! Scared ya, huh? [laughs]

I used to do that to my mom all the time when I was ten.

[chuckles]

I know what you're waiting for, you wanna see the typewriter impression.

All right, that's okay, I'll do it.

A typewriter! [cranking sound]

Bing! [tapping]

[cranking sound] Bing! çtapping]

IBM! [thudding sound]

Correctable!

You ever do this? You ever go into a bank, you wanna write a check,

and you have no idea what day of the week it is?

You ever do that? You go...

"What day is it?"

What, you been shooting up Chlorox all week?

There's only seven days. We don't change the names.

Try this at an airport sometime when you're bored. Just pick somebody at an airport.

Just do this, just go...

"Excuse me, sir. Have you got the year?"

Sometimes they'll give you their watch.

This is very useful. Everybody should learn how to do this.

If you're in a real bad neighborhood and you think you might get mugged,

just walk through the neighborhood like that.

Nobody will mess with you!

Or your car mechanic. You ever go pick up your car,

it's $100 more than the guy said it would be?

"$100 more, sorry, we didn't know it."

Just go, "100?

$100 more? [grunting]"

"Oh! Contest! Free, you won."

See, I don't like car mechanics 'cause they change the price on you.

Change the-- nobody else does that and gets away with it!

You don't go into a restaurant, order a steak,

and then the cook comes out and goes,

"Well, it was a lot harder to cook than we thought it'd be.

So it's $5 more."

"Okay. What day is it?"

You let them do it on cars, though. See, I don't understand cars.

You know what they're doing on the little cars? They're writing excuses on the car

for why things don't work right.

They write it on the little side view mirror on the passenger side.

"Objects in this mirror are a lot closer than they appear."

Build a mirror where the objects look like where they are!

Why don't they just write "This mirror is a piece of crap, the guy got fired,

don't look at it, it don't work!"

Uh... I read something interesting today.

Does anybody know offhand what the most hated instrument in the world is? Any idea?

Accordion is number two. Bagpipes, number one.

I don't dislike the bagpipes myself. I just think it's a kind of weird instrument.

What gets me is somebody had to invent the thing, right?

Some guy had to say to himself one day,

"Well, let's see if we can invent some sort of an obnoxious musical instrument.

Something real disgusting.

Something that really pisses people off.

Let's see what happens.

Let's see what happens if I blow in a vacuum cleaner."

[blowing, screeching]

[audience cheering]

My mother's not real crazy about the fact I hang around him.

I went shopping today, went to the mall.

Isn't that a dumb word, "mall"?

Why do they call a place where they want a bunch of women to go a mall?

So I bought some shoes. Dead cow on my feet. Leather.

How come they charge so much for things made out of cows?

They're not dangerous and they're real easy to kill.

Shark, alligator, I'll pay extra money. This is a cow!

Moo! Bang, you're a hat.

This is not hunting.

They're always in a little fenced-in yard.

They go, "Moo! Oh, moo! Moo!"

Bang, you're a belt.

[squeaking]

But I've been doing a little research here about animals.

I figured out this is what flies see before they get hit by a swatter.

I've been a little lax here in my, uh... in my duties.

One of my jobs is to get here a little bit early and get these things down on all the seats.

Anybody know what they call these things?

Ass gaskets.

A lot of people don't look at these things real close.

In fact, this part right here is such a pain, you wonder how many people

actually take the time to do it.

[cheering]

Show you--

Show you something you probably never noticed before.

You ever notice the hole in this thing is in the shape of somebody's head?

It's like some guy in a factory somewhere has a job going...

And then stuffing it in the baggies!

I've been exercising.

Yeah. Exercising, been jogging.

I've been playing a lot of handball.

I bought a new racket today.

I always take one of these with me to Texas.

'Cause I like to go in country and western bars and go,

"Any of you big dudes wanna arm wrestle? I'm real good."

Or buy one of these things, take it to the park.

Give it to people's dogs when the people aren't looking.

"Where did you get that?!"

Or back east... if you drive back east,

you gotta have a couple of these with you in your car.

'Cause they got toll roads and toll bridges.

I like to drive through toll gates real fast,

throw this in the basket and go... [screams]

They never come after me.

A stick of chewing gum.

[giggles]

[chewing loudly]

[spits]

Tell you what the problem is...

[audience cheering]

You know what the problem is, is there are a lot more assholes

running around than there used to be.

Really. A lot more asses running around.

Used to be one, maybe two a day.

Now they're all over the place.

See, if I were a king, you know what I'd do?

I'd take a little census, every year, of everybody that acted like an ass.

If they acted like an ass all the time, I'd make them go to a government plastic surgeon,

he'd make them look like one.

Wouldn't that be great? Then you'd know right where they were.

"Okay, what ass did this thing right here?

Fred? You're an ass, come over here. Did you do that?"

"Oh, no, not me.

Not my fault, I didn't do that. No sirree!"

Right? Then you'd know where they were!

Especially at the post office.

'Cause they're real slow at the post office.

'Cause they get valium when they go to work.

"Can I have a stamp please?"

[slow-motion babbling]

They do have a free service, though, at the post office.

It's a service for getting even with... that, uh...

...that you don't like but are too big to beat up.

It's called the change of address kit.

And all you do is you write down the name of the guy you don't like.

Then you write down where he lives.

Then you write down where you want his mail to go!

This is a little thing... [squeaks]

...that I call Requiem for a Diaphragm!

[imitating echo] Phragm! Phragm! Phragm!

Nobody's ever getting in here.

It's my job.

[screams] Invader!

[imitates alarm blaring]

It's an attack! Oh, my gosh! Look at this!

Oh, no! [babbling]

Oh, no! [babbling]

Ahh!

[screams]

- Thank you! - [applause]

[indistinct talking]

[Gallagher] I know.

He did good.

- Well, they like you, Bill. - Yeah, they're a good crowd.

And you didn't even do your good joke, man.

- You didn't do your good joke. - Sorry. [laughs]

- I know it. - Which one was that?

Well, uh, you didn't do the Matterhorn. Did he do the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland?

- No, I didn't do that. - [audience shouting]

- Sorry! - Why didn't you do it?

[stammering] I... I'll do it now.

- All-- - [audience shouting]

Okay, do it. This is my favorite. He does this so good.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland.

Bill, look what you have on your shoe. This...

The Matterhorn ride at Disneyland.

[clicking] Ding!

That'll be an E ticket. Thank you. [clicking]

[screaming]

[audience cheering]

Bill doesn't like to do that joke.

'Cause it messes up his shoes.

I like working together, Bill. This is, uh, this is pretty neat.

- We hardly ever work together. - No, they can't stand the glare.

Bill feels real sexy tonight.

He's wearing his new cologne. It's called Her Legs. He's got it behind his ears.

I tell him he should dress up, dress up a little bit, wear a tie.

I like to wear ties because look where they point.

You look where they point.

- Let's see how much I can sweat. - Okay, let's see.

- [Gallagher laughs] - [groaning]

He's a waste of cocaine.

You're already going so fast.

Hey, I thought that I'd bring you some problems.

Bill is an improvisational kind of a comedian.

And, uh...

So I thought-- I brought some things. I found this at a, uh, oriental...

[Bill laughing]

Well, it's, uh, you know, I don't know what it is, Japanese, Chinese, Korean

- or something, but I thought maybe... - This is ZZ Top beard.

Yeah, that's the obvious one. Now, let's get funny. What can you think?

Watch The A-Team. Ask me, not him.

[chanting nonsensically]

- Two jokes, that's not bad. - [laughs]

It's an Italian girl waving goodbye. Goodbye!

Goodbye! Goodbye!

- Then I guess this is in your-- - [laughs]

- --in your act, huh? - I'm gonna have to get me that.

All right, I got another idea. What about this?

I saw some of the things you did. I thought this would be a good one.

A Xerox machine. Okay? A Xerox machine. All right?

- Can you do it? You be-- - Is this the original?

- Yeah, that's the original. - Okay, I'm a side feeder.

[Gallagher laughs] What?

- From the side. - Side feeder.

Yeah, side feeder.

[audience cheering]

I don't wanna use a side feeder.

- Okay, we'll do automatic. - All right, automatic.

There's the original, and I'll wait.

[Gallagher muttering]

This is my original?

You did good, Bill.

[audience cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you.

The amazing Master Tool Corporation, a subsidiary of Fly By Night Industries,

has entrusted who? Me to show you the handiest and the dandiest

kitchen tool you've ever seen, and don't you wanna know how it works?

- [audience] Yeah! - Well, first you get out an ordinary apple,

you place this ordinary apple between the patented pan, then what do you do, gang?

It's simple. You reach for the tool that is not a slicer, it's not a dicer,

it's not a chopper in a hopper, what could it possibly be?

[crowd shouts] Sledge-O-Matic!

Sledge-O-Matic!

Let's look at that one more time!

Could it be this easy? Yes!

With Sledge-O-Matic, it's just that easy.

I know what you're gonna say. "Gallagher, is it just that easy with lettuce?"

Yes, it's just that easy!

Is it just that easy with these little melons?

Yes, it's just that easy!

Is it just that easy with a pineapple?

Yes, it's just that easy!

- Now, what about yogurt? - [audience shouting]

That's real easy, just a little one.

Now, I know what some of you are gonna say.

Say, "Gallagher, this is so messy."

But Sledge-O-Matic cleans!

What could be simpler?

Now I know what you're saying. Sure, you can do it...

Ladies and gentlemen...

[man] Save the big one for the last!

I wanted so much more...

...out of my life.

My mother wanted so much more...

...out of my life.

Ladies and gentlemen, I did not do this to be rowdy.

I did this... as an artiste.

[French accent] I am the artist in food.

I am making a statement.

About the commercialism in this country. Eh?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a satire.

I am making fun of name-brand products in our society.

And it's not the products or even what I see on TV that I think we object to.

It's the editing.

It's the going from violence on the streets on the Eastern Seaboard

to Heinz tomato ketchup.

Hey, listen. You can clean that real easy.

Just a little Wisk and that's all gone. It's all gone.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I'm not excited by a mere table.

I am not excited about a mere routine about one product.

- I am an artist... - [cheering]

...of dimension.

And of style.

I am now excited about the possibilities

for this canvas.

Mustard, no.

[audience shouting]

I begin first with...

...Kraft.

In my brain, there's a collage of primary colors

and this is the orange.

The Kraft orange

to make the southern United States.

There's Florida.

That's where I'm from, Florida.

I like the shape of the state. It looks like we're pissing on Cuba.

Now, for red along the Eastern Seaboard.

Since my ketchup is gone, we're going with Campbell's tomato everything.

All right, now I'm going-- I'm going from Georgia all the way up to Maine.

All right, I need the right-- I need-- oh, boy. Now watch out.

Hey, now, I'm looking for it. Okay. Watch out.

I need it now, okay-- Oh!

Now I'd like to talk to you people about the Grape Lakes.

Right there.

We need a lot. Let me see. Now we got Lake Eerie.

And the St. Lawrence Seaway.

Just... use your imagination.

Okay, out here, on the West Coast,

Los Angeles, this, uh, guacamole, I think will do...

...just fine.

Are you getting the feeling now?

Okay. That means that the bean dip...

...goes right along here.

I'm talking bean dip.

Okay, now we're talking Texas. You see Texas?

Hot chili!

I feel this whole thing happening now.

Okay, it's time-- it's time now for San Francisco.

I'm talking sweet and sour sauce.

And soy, soy, soy, soy.

Now we're going to move into the Pacific Northwest

with the pea soup.

Anybody who's ever lived up there knows that that's all pea soup. Okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hope for the best. You're behind me.

- Get behind me on this. - [cheering]

One! Two!

One! Two!

And we need a... [shouts]

It's filling in nicely.

Okay. I think I've been to Canada.

We're gonna have to go with a little Cool Whip.

All right, there's the Canadian border!

We're talking Minnesota!

All right, now we got your rocky road ice cream

which, of course, make the Rocky Mountains.

Which go from there...

...to there... to there!

Boy, this wasn't an easy world for God to make, was it?

Let's try peanut butter.

- Where does peanut butter go? - [audience shouting]

Georgia?

Georgia? Or what do you think about making peanut butter,

- um, Washington D.C.? - [cheering]

All right, we're going to need a capitol building, a capitol building.

I think a lemon does that just fine.

- [cheering] - Now...

I feel a need to kind of cover the country...

...with something, like, you know, where's mustard go?

You can't just put mustard one place.

Mustard kind of goes everywhere.

I feel the same way about chocolate.

Don't you feel chocolate is more or less just across this whole great country of ours?

All right, I think it's time to chocolate the Midwest.

One, two, three. Chocolate!

One, two, three. Chocolate!

Well, you know, the top of this looks real neat.

All right. Well, I guess we could continue. Pickle relish.

There's all kind of little things. I think yogurt belongs up there somewhere.

This is what I really hoped for from my education.

Tartar sauce, that's Maine, ain't it?

- [cheering] - Okay. We'll finish it off. This is the last thing I'll do.

Just a little tartar sauce I think up here.

And... oh, nice.

Now, this is together. Okay, what have I missed?

- What? - [audience shouting]

Salinas!

You're right.

I missed Salinas!

All right, here you go!

One, two, three!

Salinas!

I'm also coming out with a Playboy magazine for married guys.

Every month, same girl.

Can you explain to me why it is when you write a check that bounces,

the bank charges you more of what they know you don't have any of!

I'm not just gonna pick on the women

'cause they shave off their eyebrows

and then paint them back in.

What's the deal? I looked on the back of a smoke alarm.

There's a guarantee. Why?

If it don't work, what's left?

You've got to point out ignorance and stupidity when you see it

and attack 'em with ignorance and stupidity. That's all they understand.

So anyway, you put me in charge and I'll change the face of everything.

[applause, cheering]