Original subtitles

(pleasant music)

(police siren alarming)

- I'm sorry about the love thing.

And the sex thing.

It's just...

I guess I didn't know what I was saying...

until I said it.

Except...

I said it.

- So you're saying you don't love me?

- I'm not saying I...

don't love you.

Or that I might not love you.

One of these days.

I just didn't mean it when I said it.

(sighing)

I used to think that we had an unlimited

amount of opportunity to

reinvent and define ourselves with the arrival

of every new sunrise.

Now I'm not so sure.

Anyway.

Thank you

for not coming inside of me.

I really appreciate it.

I wasn't in my right mind last night.

(dramatic orchestra music)

- You're tuned to Catonsville Public Radio

on this fine Tuesday morning.

Edward Elgar's Enigma Variations as performed

by the Davis Senior High School Symphony Orchestra

under the direction of Angelo Moreno

brings another hour of light classical favorites to a close.

Two minutes shy of the top of the hour,

so that means it's time for us to check in

with our very own Ralph Kirk

for an update on your morning commute.

How's it looking out there, Ralph?

(man coughing)

Ralph?

- Shelby!

Thank you.

This traffic report is brought to you by

Cosima at Mill Number One.

You're looking at a free and easy ride

on the topside of the beltway

in a fairly incident-free stretch from Perring Parkway

all the way to the 795 split.

Southbound Harbor Tunnel, this is a mess.

You are jammed with both lanes closed

due to an overturned tractor trailer.

Fire and police are on the scene

and you've got rubbernecking every which way.

I'm Ralph Kirk for Catonsville Public Radio.

- Thanks, Ralph.

Support for this morning's selection

of classical music favorites is brought to you by

Lily Schlump with Yerman and Conklin Realty.

Don't trust the purchase of your new home

or the sale of your existing one to just anybody.

"Think Schlump,"

Lily Schlump, Yerman and Conklin Realty.

So many more classical music favorites

coming up at the top of the hour,

so keep your dial tuned to Catonsville Public Radio.

(clicking)

- Looks like you still have a soft spot

for the novelty of yesteryear.

- Thank you for taking time out of your

presumably very busy day to share a moment with us.

- The pleasure is all mine.

I couldn't be happier to have this dialogue

with the good folks over at Baltimore Commerce Journal.

- Very good.

Now, Mr. Prattleton--

- Please, call me Joel.

- You're something of a rising star

here at Rosen, Prattleton, Nagel & Suffield.

In just a few short years, you've graduated

from business school and established yourself

as this firm's preeminent brand marketing manager.

How did you pull off such a lofty feat?

- Well, Ashley,

with modesty

and in all candor,

I like to think of myself as something of

a modern day Horatio Alger success story.

The embodiment and personification

of capitalist opportunity for all,

a triumph of American exceptionalism.

- On the subject of opportunity,

as Tyler Prattleton's only scion and the only heir

to his enormous publishing empire,

some might posit that you're being groomed

as his eventual successor.

- Right now, the primary focus in my life

is devoting my abilities to our valued clients

here at Rosen, Prattleton, Nagel & Suffield.

- Would you deny that you're in line

to succeed your father at the reins

of Prattleton Publishing?

- I would argue that my available energies

are more wisely utilized by listening to the needs

of our current clients and serving them

as capably as I possibly can.

- I would counter

that you're merely biding your time

with a honey of a deal that landed you

a vanity partnership at the very firm

that manages your father's brand.

- That would seem to be a misguided and ill-advised use

of my intellect and personal skill set.

- In short,

where would you find yourself

if it weren't for the good graces

of your family's storied lineage?

- If not for the love and support of our parents,

where would any of us find ourselves?

It just doesn't seem to be an issue

that is particularly exclusive to me or my family.

- Very few people in the Baltimore business community

cast a shadow as outsized as your father's.

- I certainly can't deny that.

But no one can say that they have the luxury

of choosing the sort of life that we're born into.

- Is there any room in the already

crowded personal narrative of Joel Prattleton

to consider the crushing socioeconomic and

racial divide that is cannibalizing our city

from the inside out?

- Well, sure.

It's something that we think about and reflect upon

all of the time.

- Who's we?

- You know.

The proverbial "we."

- Our collective lack of moral conscience?

- I just think

that sometimes we all find ourselves

lost in the weeds of the theoretical

and everybody deserves the occasional reprieve

from wearing the weight of the world upon one's shoulders.

(chuckling)

- What a luxury of incalculable worth.

(somber music)

(train bell ringing)

(woman speaking Bulgarian)

(speaking Bulgarian)

(somber music)

- We have an appointment.

- Aneta?

- Kostadinova.

- And Natalya--

- Aleksandrova.

- Since you're both new patients,

I'm just need to collect some more information from you.

So fill this out if you would.

- Blogodaria.

(somber Christmas music)

- Is all of this really necessary?

- I'm sorry?

- The unrelenting cacophony

of traditional seasonal favorites?

- Be sure to stick with us after the top of the hour

and join me on a seafaring search

for reclusive Eastern Shore culinary wizard Roy Gussy

and his much-sought-after recipe

for crab and shrimp au gratin.

Doesn't that sound delicious, folks?

If you're only just now joining us here on Charm TV,

our guest is Priscilla Hollingsworth.

She's here to talk about her new book,

"I Thought I Had Cancer, But I Didn't."

A memoir, if you will, chronicling her whirlwind experience

coming perilously close to death,

except she didn't,

everything's okay,

and she's here to talk with us on the program today.

Please join me in welcoming Miss Hollingsworth.

- Thanks.

Thanks for having me.

- So you thought you had cancer.

- Yep.

- But you didn't.

- I know, right?

- Maybe delve into the swirling mix of emotions

I'm sure you must have experienced during this whole

excruciating affair.

Take us inside the "story behind the story."

- Right, yeah.

Well, um.

I thought I had cancer.

- Right.

- But I didn't.

- Perhaps with the broadest strokes of an orator's brush,

paint a picture of your mind set at the time.

Outline some of the very trying challenges

I'm sure you had to face.

- Then you wouldn't have a reason to buy the book,

now would you?

(laughing)

Wait, which camera am I looking at here?

This one?

Purchase my book at all your

fine local booksellers everywhere.

You won't regret it.

Well, I mean

if a young person had cancer,

that'd be really scary. So...

it's almost like a horror genre.

- [TV Host] Except that it's real

and it really happened.

- I know! To me!

(Priscilla laughing)

I didn't say that it went well.

On the plus side,

I do think that you can really see my passion

to sell the book shining through.

- Miss Hollingsworth,

part of your responsibility as a member of

the Prattleton Publishing family

is to make a healthy effort to promote your title

and thus your brand as an emerging author.

And you are not holding up your end of the bargain.

- I don't know what you expect me to...

I don't know, what?

- Feign an interest in being engaged.

Very simple.

- I really feel like the work should just speak for itself.

It has become a farcical spectacle

for me to keep hashing this out over and over again

when the whole point of this exercise

was for me to sit down and come up with the most concise

and effective way of communicating an idea

in the most enjoyable way possible.

- I see.

- So I did that.

So why now must I be obligated to go out there

and jibber-jabber through the whole whoever-what

on a daily basis with a bunch of Nancy Nobodies

and Jerry Come Latelies?

- You will do it

because the terms of your advance oblige you

to make a reasonable effort to promote your title

and your brand as an author.

- Let me see what I can do.

- [Joel] It's been a tough year for ideas.

- I would actually argue that it's been

a banner year for ideas.

But, unfortunately, in terms of their execution

and to the question of how much energy

and how many resources have been allocated

in pursuit of those ideas,

it's been a much more lackluster stretch.

- Joel?

Is that you?

- Sure, why not?

- Thought so.

- Guilty as charged.

- You guys here to see Alan?

- No, I'm just...

just here for my morning coffee.

- Morning buzz with a half-shot of raspberry?

- You know me so well.

- Care to introduce me to your friend?

- I'm Jonathan.

- Jonathan, nice to meet you.

Joel never was one for introductions.

- Nice to meet you too...

- Shawnee.

- Shawnee.

- How'd you find yourself keeping

such exquisite company, Jonathan?

- I am the senior in-house brand marketing consultant

at Rosen, Prattleton, Nagel & Suffield.

So, of course, we all know Joel here.

- Of course.

- I guess I should be leaving you two to your devices.

Coffee's on me.

Just consider it complements of the house.

Excuse me.

- Shawnee?

I just wanted to thank you for the complimentary coffee.

It was a truly unnecessary gesture,

which is why I suppose I appreciated it all that much more.

- Yeah, no worries.

Make it a great day.

- So, what was that all about?

(quiet "We Three Kings")

- I'm sorry.

Is the music too soft?

- Uh uh.

(volume raising)

- I just love the holidays.

("We Three Kings")

- So what's going on in the world?

- Izvinyavai?

- I said, "what's going on in the world?"

(sighing)

How long is it going to be

before I see Doctor Grappa?

- Ma'am.

I can assure you

that once Doctor Grappa has attended to his

previously scheduled appointments,

we'll be able to fit you right in.

- But this is a dental emergency.

- Ma'am.

Doctor Grappa will address

your dental emergency in due course.

Thank you in advance for your patience and understanding.

- What a load of malarkey.

- You know,

I am just not feeling it today.

- Hmm.

- Do you think there are people out there

who do what we do and take genuine pleasure in what they do?

- Are you saying that you're lacking in job satisfaction?

- That's not exactly it.

But then,

I rarely wear a smile on my face

when I walk into work everyday.

- Everybody takes joy in different things

in their own unique way.

- I wonder

if I am surreptitiously sabotaging my best efforts

because of an underlying dislike of myself

and an ingrained distrust of an established process.

- I think that you're once again over-analyzing

and intellectualizing something that

is supposed to be a fun, effortless

and sometimes even enjoyable experience.

- Well? What's the alternative?

- It could start with something as simple

as how you greet the day.

It's about interrupting repetitive and detrimental thoughts

and seeing what impact that has on your everyday behavior.

- That sounds like an awfully lofty feat.

- Why isn't today the day

that you sever your addiction to all of the

compulsive habits that contribute to your inability

to follow through on achieving established goals?

- Maybe I just don't want to.

I like the way that I live.

I have very loosely defined medium term goals

that rarely consume a burdensome amount of

my time and energy.

It's a comfortable place for me to be

and I happen to think that's all perfectly peachy,

for now.

- Maybe that's because you haven't fully realized

the negative repercussions of your actions and decisions.

You're frittering away your most precious resource

and undervalued asset:

your vital years,

rich with promise and good health.

- Then I guess them's the breaks.

- I guess so.

(upbeat flute music)

- Thanks for joining us.

I'm Petunia Floringbrickle.

Sickness.

Health.

Despair.

Solace.

Uncertainty.

Revelation.

This is the story of our guest,

author Priscilla Hollingsworth.

Her debut memoir,

"Evocation of a Lost American Dream: One Woman's Journey,"

was the recipient of an honorable mention

at the 2012 Mid-Atlantic Regional Book Festival.

Now, she finds herself here in our studio

to discuss her latest book,

the unambiguously titled,

"I Thought I Had Cancer, But I Didn't."

Ms. Hollingsworth,

thank you for taking the time to share with us today.

- Thank you for...

Yep.

- Do you believe the memoir as a narrative tradition

is in crisis?

- I think that it is wonderful

that so many people are sharing their personal

experiences and perspectives with the world.

- Can you point to a recent memoir

that you've personally enjoyed?

- Well, I've been busy writing my own, so...

come on, who's got time for that?

- Let's talk about the title of your new book.

- Oh yes, let's do.

- Was there ever a moment in which

you considered another title to be more appropriate?

- I don't see what you mean.

- Well,

in your title you boldly propose your central conflict.

You thought you had cancer.

- Oh yeah, I sure did.

- And yet, in the same breath,

you reveal the resolution of that conflict.

You didn't.

- Yeah.

My publisher wasn't crazy about the original title,

I can tell you that much.

- Which was?

- I'm sorry?

- What was the original title of your book?

- [Priscilla] I don't have to say, do I?

- [Petunia] The original title of the book was what?

- "Terminally Ill For Awhile."

- "Terminally Ill" ...

- "For Awhile."

Because my thinking was,

aren't we all terminally ill for awhile?

Although, sometimes it's just a little while.

- Your critics say that this book trivializes

the very real heartbreak and tragedy

that someone unfortunate enough

to be in the throes of an incurable illness would feel.

- Well, I say that's just a big of bunch of hooey.

- Really?

- Yes!

Because that's not what this book is about.

Them or my critics.

This book is about me!

That's what it's about.

- The memoir in crisis,

this hour of the Petunia Floringbrickle Show.

If you're just now tuning in,

our guest is esteemed author Priscilla Hollingsworth,

who will be with us for ... the remainder of the hour.

So please, dear listeners,

don't touch that dial.

(upbeat music)

(suction tube gurgling)

- So how are you liking it here in the States?

- I love America.

I love the 21st century.

- Aw, that's swell.

- I like American movies very much.

- Really?

- Yes! Matt Damon.

I like Matt Damon very much.

(laughing)

- So what's your favorite movie?

- I think "Spaceballs."

(laughing)

- Really?

- Yes, "Spaceballs" is really the best.

- That's a good one.

I like movies.

You know, with a couple of laughs.

The lighter stuff.

- Mhm.

- So?

- Did you see the news?

- Yeah.

- I probably should have called you

before word started getting around.

- That guy.

- His family is understandably devastated.

- It certainly doesn't look good.

- I didn't say that it looked good.

- I didn't say that you did.

- He swore up and down it was that Jerry guy who set him up.

It's just sad that his family probably won't ever know

what really happened.

- Except what was he doing with Jerry in the first place?

Why else were they both there at the house

if they weren't...

- You know none of that proves anything anyway.

- It just doesn't add up.

And it doesn't look good.

- Well.

That's life in the big city, huh, kid?

(clock ticking)

- This is maybe

the worst book tour event I've ever seen.

- I know.

It's so sad and pathetic

that I actually feel morally guilty about goofing on it.

- What are you doing?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm autographing my book

so that you'll have signed copies in stock.

- You know that once you sign copies of those books

we can't return them to the publisher

and get our money back.

- You know what?

It's not my fault that you didn't make any effort

to promote my in-store appearance!

- We did everything we could to promote your appearance!

It's not our fault no one cares about your pointless book.

- Burn...

- In publishing news this week,

local author Priscilla Hollingsworth

sets a new sales record.

Although you'd have to wonder

if it's the sort of record that her publisher

would be proud to tout.

(sobbing)

Ms. Hollingsworth's new memoir,

"I Thought I Had Cancer, But I Didn't,"

debuted to the worst opening week of sales

of any book release in recent history.

Selling a mere seven copies nationwide.

(Priscilla sobbing)

Anyway, we tracked down one of the few people

who actually purchased this beleaguered tome.

I think we have him on the phone with us right now.

Hello there.

- [Male Caller] Hello?

- [TV Host] Okay, well let's get right to it.

How was it?

- [Male Caller] Oh, it was horrible!

- Buck up, squirt.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

(sobbing)

- I know what everyone must be saying about me

behind my back.

That I'm a laughing stock!

I'm a farce.

A pitiful rube.

- I personally think that your whole assessment

of the situation more accurately reflects

your narcissistic preoccupation with yourself.

But who am I kidding?

- I don't understand.

- The entire supposition of your argument

is that everyone is so absorbed

in your perceived cult of personality

that they're constantly speculating on your failures

and shortcomings as a human being.

- They're not?

- Nevermind.

Forget I said anything.

Can I buy you a drink?

(dramatic music)

- It's utterly useless!

I accept defeat.

- Priscilla.

We're all frauds and we're all failures.

It's really okay.

You just have to have a sort of

light-hearted spirit about the whole thing.

Otherwise, you will make yourself mental.

- I never should have written that book.

What was I thinking?

- It's important to confront your failures.

If you can look at it with a detached eye,

maybe you can detach yourself from

some of the disappointment you're feeling.

- I yearn to conjure the wild imagination of my inner soul.

- Maybe you should try your hand at poetry.

- Is this your idea at a solution?

- You seem to have a knack for it.

You should take it as a compliment.

Beaudelaire was a real rascal.

- People spend so much of their lives judging other people.

And yes, I think that to some extent

we all make choices in our lives.

But, in a lot of ways,

we have no choice to be anyone other than who we are.

We are who we are,

and we can work to improve certain aspects

of our chosen behavior,

but it's really difficult to be anyone other

than who we are.

Ugh.

It's an endless cycle of loathing.

We wish that other people would change for us,

we get upset at them for being so inflexible,

they get upset at us for being disappointed,

we get upset at ourselves for being so controlling,

and so it goes.

- That's an awfully dire leap

from the uplifting pleasantries I was attempting to muster.

- I guess that's because there's bluster

and then there's honesty.

(sighing)

- I must bid you adieu.

There is a taxi stand two blocks up.

You play it safe out there.

(dramatic music)

- [Priscilla] I have something to get off my chest.

- I'm listening.

- There are a lot of reasons not to be happy in this world.

To wake up everyday and look out

on a gray and overcast sky

and just dread the thought of hobnobbing

with your contemporaries and acquaintances.

But locking me away in a room with just my own thoughts

and a pen and notebook paper.

I'm just saying that's not such a great idea.

Sometimes it brings out the worst in me.

When I start writing, I get into a mood. But then...

I've been in that mood for as long as I can remember.

- I think you should have another drink.

- You know what?

You should buy a plane.

(giggling)

(somber music)

- Hey.

Aren't you Tyler's boy?

- Miss Hollingsworth,

in the flesh.

- Prattleton Junior, in all of your repugnant glory.

- I see that your new book had an exciting launch last week.

- It's been a barrel of laughs.

- Well, hey, that's life in the big city, huh, kid?

- You know, Goldie Hawn's daughter?

- No, I'm sorry.

It just doesn't ring a bell.

- Seriously?

How do you not know who Kate Hudson is?

People tell me I look like her all the time.

Seriously?

- So what do you do for a living?

- I imagine you've heard me on the radio.

104 The Jammer?

Baltimore's Best Rock Radio?

Crazy Sammy and the Morning Drive-Time Crack-Up Crew?

Anyway, I do a lot of voiceover work

for FM radio commercials.

- Oh, that sounds intriguing.

Anything I might recognize?

- "If you haven't been to visit Ikaros

"at our new location in Greektown,

"it's like you've never been at all.

"Enjoy the dishes you love

"in an intimate new locale,

"served with a fresh new spirit

"Come back and see us.

"Your table is waiting."

- No, I'm sorry.

- I can't believe you don't know who Kate Hudson is.

(spry jazz music)

- Good morning and welcome to another lovely day

here in Maryland.

And it couldn't be a more perfect day

to kick off our spring fund-raising campaign.

I'm sure that, right now,

you're idling in weekday morning traffic

with road rage and tempers flaring at every turn.

Isn't it refreshing to know that you can find solace

in our curated selection of light classical music favorites?

But have you ever wondered how do we do it?

Day after day, week after week, month after month.

How is it that we're able to continue to offer our listeners

such wonderful music and thoughtful programming?

Well, the answer is you.

That's right,

none of this would be possible without the support

of dedicated listeners like you,

who can be relied upon to pledge their support

time and time again for the content and programming

that they enjoy on Catonsville Public Radio.

If you haven't already, won't you take a moment

to join our family of listener members?

Volunteers are standing by to take your call.

- [Priscilla Voiceover] Days like this are a bit of a tease.

An open-ended invitation to put pen to paper

and delight in one's imagination.

But there is always an unease,

a modicum of tension. (phone ringing)

What, pray tell, will be the next shoe to drop?

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Ms. Hollingsworth.

- Mr. Prattleton.

- I regret to inform you that our publishing concern

has decided to sever its professional relationship with you.

- I understand.

- We will be honoring the terms of our original agreement

and won't be requesting a return on your initial advance,

as we've come to the conclusion that you have indeed

made a good faith effort,

however hapless,

to promote your brand in the public realm.

- I thought I was in the business of selling books.

- And you were a colossal failure at that as well.

I must now bid you a fond farewell,

as we are anxiously awaiting the return

of all unsold copies of your memoir

so that we may promptly haul them to the landfill.

Good day.

(sighing)

- Well then.

- You know,

lately I've been thinking a lot about visiting Ikaros

at their new location in Greektown.

I hear that they're serving up the dishes we love

in an inviting new locale with a fresh new spirit.

- That campaign really seems to have fulfilled its purpose.

- What do you mean?

- The management at Ikaros has been saturating

the local radio market with that new spot.

- Huh.

I must have missed it.

I just feel like it's time to come back and see them.

Like my table is waiting.

That's all.

(melancholic music)

- [Priscilla Voiceover] It was six years ago.

I remember feeling so full of youthful enthusiasm

and headstrong optimism,

so disciplined and committed to the enterprise,

but I feel like I don't know that person anymore.

I wouldn't be able to pick her out of a lineup.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all in vain

and it's all for naught.

What is happiness?

What's the point?

- All day long with these nincompoops.

Where's Jonathan?

- He took a half day.

- A half day?

- Yeah.

- Does anyone around here ever pause

to consider my professional needs?

- He left a half hour ago.

- Do I have any meeting scheduled for this afternoon?

- None that I know of.

(melancholic music)

- [Priscilla Voiceover] It's such a wonderful time

to be alive.

Such a fantastic moment to feel unburdened

by anything and everything that holds us back.

Perhaps I've simply been confusing nervous excitement

with fear all along.

They both have a familiar flavor,

a similar burn in the pit of my stomach.

How long have I subjugated myself

to the inane tasks and duties that comprise

every day of my life?

- Wait a minute.

Who are you?

- Allow me to introduce myself.

Shelby Breadwine, Catonsville Public Radio.

- How'd you get in here?

- Mr. Prattleton, Joel, if I may.

We are in the full thrust of our spring fund-raising drive

and I would love to talk to you about all the ways

you might be able to support the local public radio

that you and I both love and cherish so much.

- I could do without those Saturday game shows.

- You must be confusing us with another radio outfit.

- You know, that one fellow who's always cracking jokes.

You know the one.

- Mr. Prattleton,

as an independent local media concern,

we rely upon the kind patronage

of such pillars of the community as yourself.

Think of all the potential media outreach opportunities

for Rosen, Prattleton, Nagel & Suffield.

- Well, you certainly do an excellent job

of restating the obvious with a maximum

of unnecessary hyperbole.

What would you suggest?

- You could perhaps underwrite our morning drive-time block

of light classical music favorites.

Or perhaps the second hour of

The Petunia Floringbrickle Show.

- That second hour of book tour interviews

is always a snooze.

- Right.

- It's coming to me.

"When your choice

"of brand marketing manager matters the most,

"place your trust

"in Rosen, Prattleton,

"Nagel & Suffield."

- It has quite the ring to it.

(upbeat music)

- [Priscilla Voiceover] Every human being on this planet

sees themselves as the centerpiece

of their own heroic struggle,

except our combined want exceeds our natural resources

and our popular culture.

We crave what we can't have and the people who have it

don't appreciate their own good fortune.

We should all be more thankful for simple everyday victories

like sunshine, company and togetherness

and that we're not being eaten alive

by a hungry grizzly bear.

(fire crackling)

- Hello. Operator?

Yes, I'd like the number for a Miss Hollingsworth

in Baltimore, Maryland.

First name of Priscilla.

Edgevale Road.

Of course I'll hold.

I guess this is it.

- [Priscilla] You guess this is what?

- Our last fresh start.

- Oh that.

It's as if you expect me to be grateful

which just leaves me feel all the more dubious

about your intentions.

- I'll have you know, I'm my own man

and I'd like for you and anyone within earshot

to truly understand that.

- Which is why you dragged me out here

on this perfectly lovely weekday morning.

- My father is my father

but his business is his business.

- Which is all fine and dandy,

but don't delude yourself for a second into thinking

that you are where you are based solely on your own merits

and available opportunities.

- You hate me for it.

- No, I hate you for a variety of otherwise

completely valid reasons

which I would be happy to discuss with you

at a later date and time.

But, for now, let's try to focus on the handful of things

that distinguish you as the truly special person

you really are.

- Doing the right thing means making apologies.

It's all about mending fences

and listening to new ideas.

- I always believed that doing the wrong thing

was infinitely more interesting and unpredictable.

Yet unpredictable endings rarely dovetail

with desired outcomes.

- Bad choices, wrong turns,

boastful and arrogant pride,

now that's the stuff of great drama.

(exciting beat music)

- The weekend is upon us, ladies!

So you know what that means.

It's time to come on down to Federal Hill

and rock your socks off at The Groove Lounge!

And gentlemen, VIP bottle service is back

with $250 bottles of Knockov vodka.

Think you'll find a cheaper bottle on a Friday night?

You won't!

So come on down to The Groove Lounge

and join all your pals from Baltimore's Best Rock Radio

for Ice Cream Social Night!

Free mudslide shots for the ladies while supplies last!

Valid only one per customer, unwind responsibly.

Good?

- [Joel] Are you working on a new book?

- Good.

- It is an expression of a certain

"je ne sais quoi,"

a confrontation of all of the dark places inside of us.

Our most indelicate obsessions,

things that we hide even from our closest friends

and reminisce upon only in

the accommodating purr of solitude.

- What are you trying to convey to your readers?

- Be good. Be kind.

Stay weird. Spread love.

Because the world is full of people

who will want to drag you down,

down in the dumps,

down where they are.

And you've gotta be strong

and you need to be bold

and you ought to be better than all of it.

If your heart's gonna remain on the right path.

- Do you think your heart is on the right path?

- No one has a perfect heart.

And yes,

I've lost some of the joyous enthusiasm

in the face of blunders and betrayals

and missteps.

But you have to trudge forward

and sally forth.

- That's all well and good.

And I recognize the potential here.

But...

it leaves me feeling unsure

as to exactly how

it's all going to pan out in the end.

It sounds highly execution dependent.

- Everything in life is execution dependent.

And this is no exception!

Our inability to express our tangled emotions

that lurk inside of us

and our flailing attempts to communicate that

to our friends and acquaintances,

that is the great tragedy of the human experience.

- You can color me intrigued.

In the meantime,

I would like to offer you

something of a radical proposal.

(exciting music)

- Ladies, you took the time to swing into spring fashion,

but did you forget to swing into Edgevale Bank

to speak to one of our financial advisers

about opening a new high-yield money market account?

Well, you better get that skinny latte to go

and drop into one of our numerous locations

right here in Baltimore City!

Don't worry, you'll still have plenty of time

to go shoe shopping

because there just aren't enough hours in the day,

am I right, ladies?

We've got neighborhood branches

in Rosebank, Evergreen, Better Waverly, Pigtown,

Beverly Hills and Oakenshawe.

See you there.

Good?

Are we good over here?

- See?

You're crying right now.

What if we were with my family?

Or at an important work party?

And you're crying right now

without any of that pressure.

- Well I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you can't come to terms with the fact

that I am human and I have feelings

and it is a component of humanity's goodness

that we feel compassion and empathy!

- You and your feelings.

- Is this right?

I'm not sure this is right.

- Doesn't feel right.

- Perhaps.

But who ever said there wasn't such a thing

as a free meal in this town?

Because, you know?

I'm so glad we're here.

It's been too long.

- You certainly seem quite fired up about it.

- I have a lot of fond memories

of coming here for Sunday brunch with Aunt Sandy.

Those were the days.

All the baby octopus you can eat.

Isn't that every young man's dream?

- Mhmm.

- The last memory I can still cling to.

- We're constantly creating new memories.

Everything we do every day instantly becomes

a permanent fixture of the past.

- Except I feel

like I can't let go of those moments.

It's like I can't bear to see them relegated

to the ephemera of yesteryear.

- History is only an intellectual concept.

What matters most is how we live on the memory of others.

How we're received.

Did we give of ourselves as generously as we could have?

Did we allow ourselves to love?

Did we pervert selfless love

with our own lustful and selfish peculiarities?

- The moussaka is to die for

if you're are at all on the fence about the souvlaki.

- Ladies and gentlemen!

Bienvenue, bon appetit, etcetera.

(giggling)

It's my pleasure to introduce these two talented artists

who will be performing and presumably

delighting you here this evening.

Won't you please join me in welcoming

Lauren Aycock Anderson and Rachel Anne Warren?

(sparse applauding)

(somber piano music)

The little things

Discoveries

Uncovering insides of things

The tracing and tracking

The packing and unpacking

The waiting and move

The little things you do

But tell me

Are you

A good man

But tell me

Are you

A good man

He's the angle

And you're the worm

He got inside and you're lost for words

The shoe didn't fit

And what of the stick

Well, I think that I got the short end of it

There are nice people, to name a few,

but there's nothing lasting

Or lacking of you

I am a loner, and I am alone

I have a heart that's only halfway grown

But tell me

Are you

A good man

But tell me

Are you

A good man

I am the Mississippi

And you're running through it

I'm a reoccurring dream

But you never knew it

I'm a decent human being

But what do you care

I'm a moment in time

But you weren't there

So, tell me,

Are you

A good man

Tell me

Are you

A good man

So tell me

Are you

A good man

But tell me

Are you

A good man

(doorbell ringing)

- Mrs. Woodbourne?

- You must be Shelby Breadwine

from Catonsville Public Radio.

- I most certainly am.

- We would recognize that voice just about anywhere.

Where are my manors?

Please, won't you come in?

(pleasant classic music)

- You're too generous.

- It's nothing in the least.

- So then,

why don't we start by talking about

what Catonsville Public Radio means to you?

- I suppose that I like it just fine.

- Do you think that you could ever live

without your favorite programs on Catonsville Public Radio?

Or our exquisitely curated selection

of light classical music favorites?

- You know what people say.

Life goes on in spite of such things.

- But Mrs. Woodbourne--

- Oh, Esther.

Please call me Esther.

- Are you saying that life would march merrily along

without your local public radio on your broadcast dial?

- Well, Braden would be sorely disappointed.

I can be sure of that.

- Braden?

Who's Braden?

- Oh, Braden.

My darling son.

He couldn't live without Catonsville Public Radio.

Truth be told,

you're his favorite.

(laughing)

He's listening in the living room right now.

Why don't you go and introduce yourself to him?

(giggling)

(intense classical music)

- Braden?

Braden?

Would you like to

share a moment and talk about

what local public radio means to you?

(screaming)

Sacre bleu.

God dammit.

- [Jonathan] So, what have we learned here?

- I would argue that the lesson is

that no good deed goes unpunished.

- I know that caution and reflection

are not the principal attributes most likely to come to mind

when reflecting upon your life and your accomplishments.

But it stands to reason these two traits might serve

to inform and guide you in the future

as you seek to chart a professional path for yourself.

- I do feel somewhat more heartened

about the viability of the process.

But I also certainly feel like my mastery

of that process is a whole lot more tenuous

than I previously imagined.

- I'm Shelby Breadwine

and you're tuned to Catonsville Public Radio.

Thanks to thoughtful listener members like you,

our latest fundraising campaign is coming

to a successful finish.

If you have yet to make a pledge yourself,

there's still plenty of time for you to decide

what level of support is right for you.

Five dollars a day?

25 dollars a month?

Well, at either of those membership levels,

you can look forward to a snazzy Catonsville Public Radio

luggage tag in your mailbox.

So please don't hesitate to call now and pledge your support

for the local public radio that you love.

Looks like it's time for your

final traffic report this morning.

Ralph, are you there?

Can you hear me?

- Shelby!

I read you loud and clear.

This morning's traffic report is brought to you by B,

A Bolton Hill Bistro.

Outer Loop,

you're gonna be coasting from Hammonds Ferry Road

on up to the Key Bridge with nary a delay in sight.

So it's lots of good news for all of you motorists out there

braving the Beltway this morning.

I'm Ralph Kirk for Catonsville Public Radio.

- I've been thinking.

- Do tell.

- We didn't do it right.

- Oh, woe is you.

- I just sort of made the blind assumption

that everything would end up working itself out

as long as I had a capable team in place.

- Well, who's crying now?

- I think I'm being held

to unrealistic standards for achievement.

- I think you're being too hard on yourself.

- We just didn't know any better.

- I think you did the best that you could have possibly done

under most if not all circumstances.

So there.

- Sorry I'm late.

Northbound traffic on Charles Street

was backed up all the way to Fayette Street.

- Take a seat, Ralph.

(sighing)

- This is fancy.

What's the occasion?

- Ralph, you've been a valuable part

of the Catonsville Public Radio family for so long

and we are all so grateful for your many years of service

to the operation.

But it is my sad duty to inform you

we've fallen short on our spring fundraising campaign goals.

As a result, everyone at the station

is now forced to reconsider how we can best allocate

our available resources.

- What are you getting at?

- Ralph, I mean,

let's face it, most of the time

you aren't even looking at a live traffic report

or even reading updates or bulletins

from state or local agencies!

- It's the same goddamned traffic every goddamned morning.

- And don't insult my intelligence

by pretending that I haven't caught the smell of rotgut

on your breath leaving the station

on more than a handful of occasions.

- Who the hell cares?

(bouncy music)

- I don't know what to tell you.

If you can't control the message,

you can't control anything.

That's exactly it.

I can't help you control the message

if you can't tell me what the message is in the first place.

And this is valuable time that we're idly wasting.

Their subjective judgment is not a proxy for your reality.

You want Better Homes and Gardens?

I'll get you Better Homes and Gardens!

But if you can't learn how to control the message

then you're never going to learn how to crush the deal.

This is getting us nowhere, Lily.

Give my secretary a ring

and we'll find a way to hash all of this out.

Kisses.

- Whoa!

(tire screeching)

Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Do you know what this is?

Do you care what this is?

This is a share row.

As in, share the fucking road!

Three feet!

You blind-ass motherfucker!

- These cyclists are such a pain in the ass.

Who's going to come along

and give us motorists a fair shake?

- Hey Kelly.

- Hey.

- I'm just wondering.

Is the internet acting funny around here?

- Seems to be working fine for me.

- It won't let me check into my flight to Denver

tomorrow for whatever reason.

- Aw.

- It's the damnedest thing.

- I know.

- Well, I'll be sure to keep you posted on that.

- Sounds like a plan to me!

- All right.

- Dad.

- I appreciate you finding the time

to come and visit in person despite your myriad daily

personal and professional obligations.

- You know that I always cherish

the time we're afforded together.

- Son,

it's all over.

The dream has dimmed

and the sun has set

on our carefree world of luxury.

- What are you talking about?

- That awful woman and her horrible book

have destroyed my beloved publishing company.

Although you seem to be taking great joy

in her flimsy company as of late.

- I don't understand exactly what it is

that you're alluding to.

- I plan to resign as chairman effective immediately

as we file for bankruptcy and move forward

with auctioning off our catalog

and liquidating our assets.

That is what I am alluding to.

- But if you're resigning as chairman and the--

- Allow me to dispel your romantic ideal

of the way things ought to be.

You've disappointed all of us

with your obstinate laissez-faire refusal to mature

and make the most of yourself.

You've had plenty of opportunities

to remedy this disappointment

and so far your only response has been

to thumb your nose at all of us

in contemptuous ambivalence.

Put simply,

you didn't do it right.

I'm sorry that I had to be the one

to break the news to you.

- I suppose it softens the sting a little bit.

- You received some supportive comments.

Some constructive criticism along the way.

- I tried my best.

- Except you failed to devote your utmost energy

and enthusiasm to the enterprise

- I possess the conviction and the will to succeed.

- Without personal sacrifice

and the commitment of all of your available resources

to the endeavor,

that simply registers as vain posturing on your behalf.

You have elevated yourself to an enviable position

of autonomy and authority

at Rosen, Prattleton, Nagel & Suffield.

Those are hardly the trappings of tragedy.

- I detest my job!

And I despise everyone who works there.

And I refuse to accept that I must be forced

to toil with such rabble on account

of your obtuse philosophical musings!

I deserve nothing less than the reins of our family dynasty!

- You have proven yourself incapable

of realizing any of your languid goals

or shepherding anything

to a successfully implemented conclusion,

therefore, you deserve nothing.

On the brighter side of things,

I would imagine

that you'll be all the more prepared for next time.

- Next time? There's a next time?

- There will always be a next time.

Did you honestly expect me to

leave you forever in the lurch?

You're far too fragile of a flower

for me to leave untended in this unforgiving world.

So, as I said,

I'm sure you'll do better next time

and perhaps next time

you'll do it right.

(speaking Bulgarian)

- Natalya!

(bouncy music)

Natalya.

(glass shattering)

(car alarm honking)

- [Priscilla] Do you remember when I told you

that there was bluster and then there was honesty?

- [Shelby] Vaguely.

- I'm thinking we're all capable of bluster

when it comes to pursuing a goal or advocating a position.

That necessarily make us terrible people

or inherently dishonest,

but it stands to reason that bluster

might not be such a terrible thing after all.

In fact,

bluster might be part and parcel

of ambition, initiative and success.

- Sure, why not?

- I'm saying this because

I'm thinking that this is the end.

That this is it, right here.

- The end of what?

- Of everything.

- Oh.

Right.

- How do you think it comes to pass?

- I'm sorry?

- The end?

Do you think it's just a quick flick of a switch

and then we're gone,

or is it some kind of gradual

deflation of ourselves

into an unknown emptiness?

- It would be presumptuous of me to even suggest

that any one scenario is more plausible

than an infinite amount of competing alternatives.

- I only wish that I'd learn to accept the fact

that I'm not going to be around once I'm gone.

Just when I was in the grip of a newfound togetherness!

(speaking Bulgarian)

(fire engine alarming)

- So I guess I did it again.

No surprises there.

I would appear to be incapable

of learning from past mistakes

because I have a habit of repeating them

over and over,

again and again.

- I happen to think

we had a lot of fun together last night.

I happen to enjoy your company

and I look forward to the time that we spend together.

- All male sexuality

is violence.

I truly wish I was one of those people who is tolerant

and reasonable

and accept things

even if they weren't the way they're supposed to be,

but I'm not.

I deserve better

and I refuse to compromise my standards.

- Every relationship we have in life

requires some degree of compromise.

- What do you want from me?

- Well, maybe you should just be left

to your own miserable lot in life.

- Wouldn't that be a delight.

(somber music)