Original subtitles

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return you to America's leading sex therapist

on radio, Lawrence Nightingale.

That was a great tape sent in by a listener. An authentic recording of her

anal experience when she accidentally mixed up the KY with the Bengay.

Who's next?

I have a problem, and I'm sick about it.

Well, Florence Nightingale makes sick people feel better.

I've got to give some head right away.

Right away?

Yes. Why?

I have a lunch date.

And if I don't give some head right away, before I reach the table, I know

going to overeat.

Ah, yes.

The modified scars, Dale.

Anybody out there in a hurry for some head?

Stay tuned while our guest number eight has a light late morning snack to the

rhythms of a hustle.

That's beautiful.

You are listening to Lawrence Nightingale, radio's leading sex

Thank you.

See you later.

I thought this was going to be the most difficult letter I would ever have to

write. But the Wall Street Journal in my face this morning suddenly made it one

of the easiest.

This is the day on which I'm going to finally belong to myself.

The day when I won't have to say when you come home, hello pumpkin, and then

kiss you all over.

You know, I don't like saying hello pumpkin anymore.

It sticks in my throat, like so many things these days.

I used to like to say it, but not anymore.

Want to know what I'm going to do?

Well, to begin with, I'm going out without any panties on for the first

my life.

And at 10 o 'clock, my day truly begins.

I have an appointment for an intimate interlude with, would you believe it,

another woman.

I answered an ad in one of those newspapers, the kind where the ink

smudges. I will have one hour from 10 to 11 to be with her.

Did you ever suspect what evil thoughts lurk in the hearts of housewives?

I don't really know if I can pull this off, but I'm going to try.

I don't know if you'll understand, but I hope so.

I want to feel free.

Can't say when and if I'll be home.

Don't wait up.

Find me.

I love

you.

Honey, what time are you coming home tonight?

Early.

When I do, I'm going to bring you something special.

Bye -bye.

See you later.

I make the appointment for 10 o 'clock. Oh, yes.

Now, what can I do for you?

You're married.

Yes.

You're bored.

Yes.

Bill, you haven't tasted life.

I want to be free.

You are free.

Haven't you ever heard of Abraham Lincoln?

Relax.

I want to have an experience with... with someone of the same sex.

You seem too nervous.

That's because I am.

Go put your things over there.

Relax. My astrologer was right.

She was?

Yes.

She said I'd get turned on by the first person I met today.

I excite you.

Yes.

I think it's your hair.

You're getting me all nervous.

Really? You're nervous?

Oh.

Oh.

It's time for the Florence Nightingale show, cream of the crop. Cream of the

crop? We now return you to the Florence Nightingale show.

Hey, listen.

You're still very tense.

Why don't you go see Florence Nightingale? She might be able to help

I bet she could be just the one for you.

You can tell her Betty sent you.

Don't be discouraged.

When can I see you again?

Tonight? No.

No, not tonight.

My boyfriend's coming back tonight.

He has first refusal rights after six o 'clock.

Lawrence Nightingale.

What? How do I know so much about crabs?

I learned about them from scratch.

Number nine.

Now, what can I do for you?

Miss Nightingale, ever since I heard your voice, I've wanted to fuck you in

ass.

Sure, baby.

How can I refuse a smooth talker like you?

Florence Nightingale will now be well -reared by guest number nine.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

I'm

getting fucked in the ass.

Thank you.

I think he's coming.

to play a tape for you from a listener who had a celebration dinner when she

became a slave first class with six merit badges this is her tape as she

with the gag in her mouth and the gag's been soaked in dr pepper's diet soda

that's going a little too far so whatever you're doing now take

a break from the day's tension sit down and relax the punishment of a naughty

girl

Don't say blowjob.

Why not?

Makes it sound too much like work.

Anyway, listeners, I've had this itch in my throat all morning, and it just

won't go away.

Ladies and gentlemen, Florence Nightingale will scratch an annoying

It's delicious.

I can't wait to get you home.

I'm gonna kick the shit out of you.

Like hot needles, stick them under your skin.

Then I'm gonna take cigarette butts and burn you a thing.

You're really into this.

They don't call me the swallow of Capistrano for nothing.

I'm going to bite you so hard like my nipples you're going to scream.

Oh,

I'm going

crazy.

Relief is better swallowed away.

I'd love to kiss you and stick my tongue in your mouth.

What are you, some sort of perverted jerk?

What do you think I am, just a sex object?

Jesus Christ.

Number 19.

We now have a regular guest back with us to relate a story that proves the old

adage, it's all in one's mind. I have a really fascinating story to tell.

We're all ears.

Well. It was a beautiful sunny day, and these two joggers are jogging along, and

they came along, these two bicyclists.

Well, you won't believe what happened then.

And so you might say they live happily ever after.

I just love stories with happy endings.

Number 25.

Is anyone here holding number 25?

If you are, please raise your hand.

I have a problem.

Not anymore, you don't.

I went to see Betty.

Oh, yes, I love.

Well, that didn't work out too well.

Although I tried, I really did.

She said I was too nervous and tense and that perhaps to be really free, I

should come and see you. And, well, here I am.

Perhaps I made a mistake.

Why don't I just go? No, don't go. It wouldn't be kosher.

Folks, here's an example of an unendangered species.

The housewife with an urge for adventure.

An urge that usually starts to fade as the sun goes down.

Do you want to know if you're really serious?

Try to go to a public bar and fuck the first guy that comes on to you. You

you could do that?

Hello? Hi, baby. I'd like you to come over and suck my cock.

I can't hear you. I said come over and suck my cock.

What did you say?

I said come over and suck my cock.

Can you talk louder?

Come over and suck my cock.

Say that again. I can't hear you. Come over and suck my cock.

I can't hear you.

This is the operator, and I can hear him perfectly.

Well, then you go over and suck his cock.

What'll it be?

I'll have a running coat.

You got it.

Bye.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, man.

Thank you.

uh oh

Thank you.

Peace.

oh

take you home to meet those ladies.

something special, didn't I?

That she is.

How about you, babe? Okay.

Missed you.

Missed you too.

Hey,

come on and join us, will you? Come on.

Come on, pumpkin.

That's a fun.

Hey, don't just stand there. Come on. Come on down.

Come on. I mean, you said you wanted a new experience.

Hey, here's an experience for you. Hey, come on. What's the matter? Come on

down.

Come on, let's take a look. That's fine. Maybe you should go get her.

Come on.

Come on. Let her go.

Come on and join us. Come on, Dolly.

Let's have some fun, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Hey, where are you going?

The tears sucked.

What the hell got into her?

What about something we said?

On the left side. On the left, please.

pumpkin.

Uh -huh.

Honey, what was in that note?

Nothing. Just a shopping list. Oh.

Did you buy anything?

No, nothing.

Tried some things, but they didn't fit.

Hello, this is Florence Nightingale on one of my newest therapy tapes.

Tonight, after we practice our self -abuse exercises, we're going to listen

one of our favorites, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, singing the Battle

the Republic.