Original subtitles

(clock ticking)

- Anybody have a charger?

(bright orchestra music)

- Does anybody wanna share?

- No, I don't feel like sharing.

I just need my phone to turn on.

- People are such slaves to technology.

- I get up every day at 6:00 am, I catch the bus at 7:00 am,

I take the train at 8:00 am, I'm at work from 9:00 am

to 5:00 pm and then I'm here.

I do the same thing every single day.

Why?

Because I like consistency.

You know the day in Back to the Future,

well it's already happened.

And this, this, this is it!

But instead of floatin' around on hoverboards

with M.J. Fox, I get to share my thoughts to people

who don't care about me in 140 characters.

- You wanna talk about it?

- No, I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm tired of talking.

My brain is fried!

You know, keepin' up with friends and family,

they're not meant to be connected all of the time.

There are people who are supposed to just (blows out air)

pass through your life.

But with social media, you cannot escape them!

For example, Athena, a girl that I had a mild crush

on in middle school, guess what I have to do?

I have to look at her three fat children

every single day on Facebook.

Social evolution people,

it's supposed to keep us separate from it all!

- Then stop.

- They can't help it!

I log into my email, bing, (electronic beeping)

I get a notification.

They've got an algorithm that targets everything

else that I might be remotely interested in.

I don't care what Kendall or Kourtney are wearing today.

But I can't help clickin' on it.

I have so many fuckin' tabs open, I just can't stop!

I am so far down the rabbit hole now,

I'm readin' weird news articles

about the bikini clown bandit!

- So?

- Last night I was clickin' on these tabs on my phone.

My finger, it's just (whistles)

I have no control of it!

I thought I put my phone in the charger, but I didn't.

So my phone died and then I woke up late.

(intense drumming music)

I don't have time to charge it, I run out the door.

(intense drumming music)

I missed my bus, and you know who drives by?

My asshole supervisor!

So now, I gotta run to the train station.

I don't know how to get there, why?

Because I rely on my GPS.

So now I'm runnin' down some really seedy alley,

kinda like the space where Bruce Wayne's parents

got whacked!

Top it off, I missed my breakfast, so I'm starvin'!

And suddenly, suddenly I see, and I am not kidding,

there's a fuckin' hot dog starin' right at me.

So I stop, dead in my tracks!

(dramatic classical music)

(tires squealing)

But then the bikini clown bandits were in the middle

of some warehouse heist.

(dramatic classical music)

And I got in the middle of it.

(guns clicking)

So what do they do? (tires squealing)

(guns firing)

They take my wallet

and then they do...

(clowns giggling)

They do a series--

(grunting)

(clowns giggling)

(fabric ripping)

(clowns hollering)

Of unspeakable things to me.

And the last words they said...

- No one will believe you!

(cackling)

- What the fuck?

- You're full of shit!

- And why would I make any of this up?

- It is a bit far-fetched, Ted.

- You couldn't write this stuff!

Now I get to work.

Everyone's laughin' at me.

Ha, ha, ha, we're all laughin' at Ted,

having a good time.

My supervisor comes up to me and says,

"You were late today, don't let it happen again!"

(phones ringing)

(crowd laughing)

This was it.

This was the last straw for Ted.

(serene classical music)

So I wait and I watch and I watched and I waited.

I wait and I watch, I watch and I wait.

I wait and I watch.

And as soon as my supervisor steps out,

I walk up to his desk and I fuckin' lost it!

I started with one drawing.

I just wanted to draw one innocent little penis

on his precious reports.

(serene classical music)

But then it turned into two penises.

Now the penis train has left the station!

Choo choo!

And suddenly, I'm like Michael frickin' Angelo over there.

And I'm drawin' big penises, small penises,

black penises, white penises, yellow penises,

biracial penises, circumcised, uncircumcised,

testicles, like elephantitis!

Every different kind of dick you could imagine!

Every dick has a home, straight, hooked, it doesn't matter!

I'm drawin' dicks!

(serene classical music)

And then,

and then I saw it.

Like Frodo to the ring,

I saw it.

(opera music)

(distant whispering)

- I don't believe any of this!

- Believe it sister!

Because I couldn't help myself!

So at that afternoon team meeting,

(intense opera music)

When he starts up his PowerPoint presentation,

guess what?

He presses the button,

and it's dicks galore!

Showers, not throwers!

A visual essay on dicks!

All over his precious presentation!

There's dicks here, dicks there.

I can't find a dick anywhere,

because they're all over my face, dicks!

Rain in forecast, dicks, penis, cock, schlong,

shaft, the Mona Lisa in dicks, there is no taint,

there is only cock and balls!

There is a dick hurricane happenin'

and it's all because of Ted!

(intense opera music)

But after all that, you know what happened?

After all the shock, all these tech executives,

they praised my boss, they called it an awesome shock

to the system that illustrates the pointlessness

of meetings.

And what do they do?

They promoted the fucker!

- And how do you feel about it, Ted?

(clock ticking)

- Like i said, I don't wanna talk about it.

(intense opera music)