Original subtitles

- So I'm in the room,

and the only thing that I could say was,

I wasn't me.

- But was it you?

- I don't know.

- Don't lie to me.

- Oh, come on T-bag, I can't do this, man.

- Was it you?

Were you the one who truly farted?

- Yes.

Yes I was.

I was the one who truly farted.

Okay.

- Doesn't that feel better?

- It kinda, it kinda does.

I'd like to thank the group for lettin' me

clear the air with that.

(laughing)

- Oh, I'm sorry.

(bright music)

- Lady, what's your problem?

- Oh, no, no no, I didn't mean anything by it.

I mean, it's just, come on, right?

(laughing)

- Come on, what?

I wish I could be as anal-retentive as you,

that I never pass gas in my entire life

and blame somebody else.

But no, me, Ted, he suffers from severe bowel issues, okay?

- Hey, hey, hey, Ted.

Teddy Bear.

What do we say?

Circle of trust.

- Alright.

My apologies, young lady.

- Alright, hey great, do you wanna share?

- Oh, me?

No, no, no, no.

I just came to observe.

I actually came with Harmony, my yoga instructor.

Namaste.

She told me about your little gatherings.

So I thought I'd come and be

part of the community and listen.

- Honey, underneath all your fancy-schmancy

prim proper princess of the homecoming facade.

With this I'm a fly on the wall bull,

lies probably the wickedest douche bagette.

- Oh, okay, yeah.

Um, I'm not one of you.

I'm not a douche bagette.

- You ain't mother fuckin' Theresa.

You're not a noble prize peace marchin' bitch.

You're a stone cold douche I ever seen one.

- Oh. Okay, yeah.

Here's something.

I don't know what you mean.

- Ugh.

Share.

Or don't.

Or die.

Do something.

- Hey, everybody has a story.

There's no judgment here, sweetheart.

- Well, okay.

If you wish.

Guys my life is embarrassing normal

I am the happily married mother of 3.

- Jesus Christ, just tell us about your

mother fuckin' fairy tale day.

- Well, no, it's just like any other day.

As a mom.

(alarm sounding)

I was gonna be busy all day.

(rock music)

(water running)

I have a special routine to make my day start right.

You got this.

I make my special protein blend.

(children fighting)

- Get out!

Go! Go! Go!

Once my protein kicks in, I'm really

starting my day the right way.

Christian! Thank you!

Ugh!

(door slams)

- You always make me,

- I don't wanna hear it.

Get in the car.

You're still a child.

I'm your mother and I'm trying to help you.

- What if I don't need your help?

- Then I gotta drop everyone at 7:45am

and be back at 2:15pm.

(tires screeching)

(bell ringing)

Now, I have five hours to dry cleaners,

hit the gym,

hit the pharmacy,

fill in for doubles tennis with Marsha,

and take Nancy to her birthday with the girls.

And get to Vin yoga for a little me time,

which is all I wanted to do in the first place.

(clicking)

Now I need my special power-up.

(rock music)

Then, they're all out of zinfandel.

So the waiter says, We only have cabernet sauvignon.

(laughing)

(bell ringing)

(tires screeching)

- I don't know why you always have to get into my life.

My life is not your life.

It's my life.

- Your life is my life.

Until you're out of the house.

Now, I'm late, missing my yoga because now I have to

drop off the kids at ballet,

swim and soccer practice all over town.

Top it off, I'm not sure if a helicopter's following me,

or if its the Xanex not mixing well with the cab sauv.

All the while, the last restorative yoga class

with Harmony is about to start in two minutes.

They have a five minute courtesy policy,

so this is the last class that I'm going to make it to

to pick up my kids on time.

But then, this woman has the gaul to say that I hit her car.

Then, she threatens to call the police.

And I realize I've just lost my window to the last class.

And I really, really needed to take this class.

This is it for me.

I deserve some me time.

By now, I'm supposed to be in happy baby pose.

But now, I'm looking at this woman.

This bitch and her outdated ass cell phone.

And I just ugh.

This woman took away my only moment of peace.

And then she's like, Well, you're a bitch.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

You are a bitch, bitch.

She's like, Excuse me?

And I'm like, Oh, no, no, no.

No, no.

I'm not sure if it was my middle school years bumpin' Tupac,

but I'm like, oh no, excuse yourself you

mother fuckin' cuntasaurus.

You wanna squab?

You wanna get gangsta?

You breathe a word of this to anyone

and I will skull fuck your entire family to the ground.

I know where you live, bitch.

I know where you live.

And I am loca, punta.

So, if I was a gamblin' woman,

I wouldn't roll the dice on this one.

Otherwise, maybe a random assailant will come

and deliver a much deserved ass beating.

(bat cracking)

(screaming)

Or maybe your car blows up.

(laughing)

Or your house burns down.

Or maybe you just end up mixin' your pills.

(screams)

So why don't you and Johnny Law handle this,

'cause I will burn you and all your world

to the mother fuckin' ground.

Your mother

Fuckin ground!

To the mother

Fuckin' ground.

To the mother

fuckin' ground!

- Yeah.

- Tell us another.

- You know,

I just wanted a little me time.

It's when people have to get in my way,

I have to mow 'em down.

(laughing)

- I like her.

She's the real deal.

- Laura, everyone's a douche.

Whether they know it or not.

- No.

No.

Like I said, I'm not a douche.

- What you just did right there, that was pure douche.

- Yup.

- Laura.

You're a douche.

- Hey, you're not longer Laura.

- Nope.

- You're one of us now.

- Yeah.

- I dub thee,

L Train.

- L Train.

- L Train.

- L Train.

L Train

- L Train.

- L Train.

- L Train

- L Train

(chanting)

- Oh my God.

I'm a douche.

I'm a douche.

I'm a douche.

I'm a douche.

I'm a douche.

I'm a douche.

I'm a douche.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you all.

I'm such a douche.

Yes.

(bright music)