Original subtitles

- Uh, it's hard to say.

Take it day by day.

I've been clean for the last three months.

I was at the liquor store, and

I saw this couple standing by the beers.

That temptation's always there.

Sometimes I can fight, other times I can't.

I just wanted to be like,

Hey yo, Abercrombie, if you don't want her,

let Teabag take a drop!

- Yo, bro!

You forgot protocol. - Oh yeah, right.

Yo, my name's Tony, AKA Teabag, AKA Tenacious Pecs,

AKA Tenacious Dick, AKA Tea-esticular Fortitude,

AKA Teatime at 6 a.m., AKA Teasy Peasy, AKA Teasy Does It,

AKA Tea-burculosis, AKA I Teabone Your Chick

It Was Dark I'm Sorry, AKA T800, AKA T1000,

AKA Terminator Genesis I Haven't Seen It Yet

So Don't Ruin It For Me, AKA ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRST UV XYZ,

umm, and I guess I'm a douche.

(uptempo 60s music)

(opera music)

So, here I am, this chick, she comes walking in,

just asking for it, right?

She's with this dude who obviously hits the library

more than the gym, if you know what I'm saying.

(opera music) So, I approach him,

and it's hot, it's steaming hot.

So naturally, I take off my shirt,

'cause it's more comfortable. - Hold up, this was last week?

Yeah, no, we're in December, my friend.

It's been fuckin' freezin'.

- It was pretty hot! - Let him speak.

We being real here, Tony?

Or you just wanna show off your physique?

- It was hot, bro. (opera music)

So, I was like, whoa baby, wassup?

Are you here with the modeling convention, too?

And she was all like, "Oh, (laughing) you stupid."

(laughing) She was giving me those complicated eyes.

Like she was practically masturbating

right there in the liquor store.

(opera music)

- She was masturbating?

Really? - No, for real,

and then her boyfriend comes up to me,

and he's like, "Is this guy bothering you?"

(opera music)

And he's like, real young, like young young,

and I thought I thought she might

of been babysitting or something, so I got outta there.

But then, whoa is me!

Then he comes and sneak attacks me.

And I'm like, "What's up, little man?

You got somethin' to say?"

And he was like, sucker punch! (loud punching)

- And how'd that make you feel?

- I felt nothing.

I don't feel feelings, bro. - You're a liar.

Unless you're some kind of lifeguard,

there ain't no reason for you's to be takin' off your shirt,

and showing off your big, sweaty, hard body,

Mr. Sexy Muscles! - I swear, Marcie.

Seriously, it was hot, and if you think about it,

I wasn't actually bein' a douche.

- No, no, no.

There's no two, three, four ways to slice that bread.

You, my friend, are a douche.

- I'm allergic to cotton. - Really, really?

You're allergic to cotton?

He's allergic to cotton.

You happen to have like, an insane amount of cotton shirts,

and yet you just all the sudden now

realize you're allergic to cotton.

- You're allergic to cotton, I'm allergic to dick.

- Yeah, well I'm starting to get itchy right now.

- Oh, Christ! - I'm gettin' hives.

- No, you're not. - It's gettin' hot in here.

I think I'm breaking out in a rash or something.

I'm starting to sweat

with all this interrogation techniques.

- The air conditioning's on!

It's freezing in here!

Your nipples are hard, his nipples are hard!

- It's real hot in here. - You gonna let this go on?

- It's gettin' so hot!

I gotta do it. - Don't do it, Tony.

Don't fuckin' do it, man, it's not worth it!

- Gots-ta be me!

- Don't do this with your life!

- Naw, don't you do it, don't you do it, bro!

- Enough! - NOOOOO!!!

- Jesus Christ! - Bra.

- Bruh. - Yo!

- Yo. - Yo.

- Yo. - Yo!

- Yo. - Yo.

- Yo. - Yo!

- Yo? - Yo.

- Yo. (crying) - Yo.

- Yo. (crying) - Yo.

- (crying) Yo! - Yo.

Don't front.

Do you go to the gym to prevent heart disease,

or you just wanna look good naked?

- Just wanna look good naked.

- When you're making love, to a beautiful woman,

would you rather just be making love to yourself?

- Yeah, I just wanna fuck myself.

I'm a douche.

- Bring your ripplin' bod over here,

you hot sexy beast of a man.

(quietly crying) - Yeah, I just...

I just wanna be wanted.

Just makes you feel like I matter.

- Yo dude, you do Anthony.

- You my friend, my big, sweaty, sexy friend,

are a grade A, bonafied, architypical classic douche.

I'm already regrettin' sleeping with you's tonight.

(uptempo 60s music)