Original subtitles

Are you really trying for morning sex?

I am.

Can I get on top so I don't have to look up your nose?

Yep, yep, absolutely.

I'm sorry. My heart's not in it.

Oh, no one cares.

Except for me. I do.

It's just that I've sucked at my job lately. I haven't sold a house in forever.

And today I have to show this annoying couple the same house

that I've showed them five times.

You're just in a little slump.

You know, all you need is, like, a little pump-up.

You know, like the boxers get.

And now, standing 5'6" tall,

weighing in at exactly what a woman her size should weigh,

if not two pounds less,

the Alabama Slamma, Jules "Sweet Corn On the" Cobb!

You crazy, girl! You crazy!

That's hot coffee!

Scalding!

Okay, game on, 'Bama Slamma.

So, did you love seeing the place? Again?

Ah...

- What do you love about the place? - Yeah.

It's got a great layout. It's got a yard.

It's got another yard in the back. Well, that's a double-yard thing.

What about the schools, Jerry? You know? Are the schools good?

They're fine. They got sports, pregnant teens. You know, the usual.

Can we put in a Jacuzzi?

You could put in ten Jacuzzis. You could turn a whole room into a Jacuzzi.

That's something to consider.

For the love of God, could you just make up your minds?

Is that dining room wall load-bearing?

I don't know, Jer. Knock it down and find out.

- Can we? - That'd be great.

"And then Terry the Train said goodbye to his mommy and daddy and..."

"Set off for his adventure."

Good job! Sweetie, I think the paperboy's here.

You wanna go throw rocks at him? Okay. Nothing bigger than a quarter.

I love watching you read to our son.

I wish Terry the Train would crash and burn to death in a fire.

Oh, that's sweet.

You know I love Stan,

but we have a nanny to give him all the love that I feel

but don't have the energy to express.

But Rosa just up and left for a vacation in Honduras!

Her mother died.

Like she's not gonna see friends when she's there!

"Wah! I miss my mom.

"Pass the salsa!"

That's selfish, insensitive and racist all at once.

The trifecta!

Yeah. What up.

Stop being so happy.

No. Fun and work go together like the NBA and bastard babies.

Fun and work don't go together. If they did, they'd call it "furk."

Oh, I haven't furked in so long.

I was really hoping you wouldn't make it a verb, but then you did.

I mean, I can't even pay attention at open houses.

I just play Stranger Touch.

Stranger Touch is a game that we invented when we worked together.

You try to touch a stranger without getting caught.

I touched a cop on the way into work yesterday, just to feel something.

Do you need a hit of happy sauce?

Mmm!

Well, that's cheaper than Xanax. I'm gonna take one of these home.

You know, work is like sex.

You shouldn't be doing it unless you really, really want to,

even if a wealthy Middle Eastern man is paying you a bunch of money.

I mean, sure, some prince's beach compound in Yemen

sounds like a super sweet vacay

until you're in a harem with a dozen former Midwestern beauty queens

and Blair from The Facts of Life. You get my point?

- What's a Yemen? - Okay.

The point is, we love what we do.

I mean, I wanna be a photographer, but, I'd do it for free.

Me, too!

I don't think there's anything that I would do for free.

Maybe open presents, tickle babies.

Oh, and smell my fingers after I pump gasoline.

Probably hard to make careers out of most of those things.

I...

Stranger touch!

Good job, grownups.

Look, I'm glad you guys love your work, but most people don't.

Hey. I just found my dream job.

Furk.

Behold. Bobby's Burgers!

Bobby, I've never seen you cook food.

I've seen you find food. Outside. And then eat it.

Well, that's the beauty about my business model.

All right. When drunk people come out of a bar, they want food.

So, what I do, I go down to the burger joint

and I buy a bunch of their burgers for a dollar apiece,

and then I pull the truck up in front of a bar

and I sell to these rowdy yahoos for four bucks a pop. What do y'all think?

Do you want to start or should I?

I think it's amazing that you've found your calling.

I wish I had that.

Seriously?

Heel.

Stan has a harness, but he eats glass. What's your excuse?

Well, someone has to help pull the truck around town. It has no engine.

Have you see Ando's legs? He's Quad-zilla.

I'm ready to respond.

Cornbread,

science tells me you have a brain because you're standing and blinking,

but I don't imagine anything else in there

but a meatball that talks just like you. Hurdy-dur.

Look, I know being with Stan 24 hours a day has made you a little bit...

I don't know, let's call it edgy.

But that was too mean, even for you. Why are you smiling?

Bobby's dream is rolling away.

Ay!

Ooh, Jules needs me. Can you guys watch the bar for a few minutes?

- Obviously. - Yeah, totally.

- Thanks. - Okay.

Have a good one.

I feel sad for Jules. So bummed over her job.

Well, sometimes work sucks. That's why I call it "surk."

Well, it surks for people like you and my mom.

Yeah.

- But Laurie and I, we're artists. - I'm a cake artist.

What we do changes people's lives.

Our humble mission, to inspire humanity, to hold up a mirror

and ask two questions, "Why?" and "What if?"

With cupcakes and pictures?

What do you do again? Something with numbers?

I'm a financial manager.

Dude, if I had to do what you do every day,

going into the same office, sitting at the same computer,

eating the same bologna sandwich,

I would totally go bath salts.

Sometimes I play Solitaire.

- Grayson gone? - Yep.

When the cat's away, baby...

Stranger touch!

You realize this game ends with me being beaten to death?

I got big news.

I realized that I haven't been selling any houses because my heart's not in it.

So I'm gonna quit.

Quit and do what?

I don't know, but I'm really excited about the quitting part.

I mean, it makes things a little harder on me, but that's no big deal, right?

Is he getting sarcastic?

No. I mean, it's cool to be the sole breadwinner.

I get to pay for the mortgage by myself, and...

Ooh, I even get to pay for your son's college tuition.

But he pays me back by being surly and stealing my shirts.

He steals from me, Jules.

He just borrows.

What's shakin'?

That's stealing.

Bobby's Burgers! Get 'em while they're hot!

Here you go. Gotta get back to the grill!

Grayson's right. I don't think it's fair to make him the only breadwinner.

Can I get four burgers, please?

I need four, four more burgers. Make it sloppy.

Can you man the grill for a second? I gotta warm these up.

On it. Um...

I just don't know what I would do for a living, you know?

I'm 43, I didn't graduate from college.

I mean, I'm not good at computering.

The only thing that I'm qualified for is real estate,

and maybe being a prostitute.

Sorry, J-Bird,

but I don't think there's a huge market for prostitutes in their forties.

I can't even be a whore?

Mom, I think you'd be an amazing whore.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I just said that.

I just wish there was something I could find to do that made me happy.

All right, think back. What were the jobs where you had the most fun at?

Well, I loved working with Laurie.

Well, there you go.

Well, as long as you're with the people you love, work ain't so bad.

Hey, there, new boss!

Hey-ho! Let's sell some booze!

No.

Art.

Art.

Ooh!

- Art. - What are you doing?

You guys were so impressed with yourselves

that it made me wish that I was an artist, too.

So, I'm making art.

Art.

- Art. - With your cell phone?

Sorry, those are only for taking self-portraits

and pics of your snooze for Vag-alentine's Day.

Which is every day.

Laurie, sexy face. Art.

Don't encourage him.

I'm sorry, it's a reflex.

Gosh.

It's so hard being a photographer.

I mean, the picture part is easy. Any monkey can point and click.

Art.

I'm just having trouble pulling off the pretentious part.

Art.

Bobby, I've been stressed lately

and I shouldn't take it out on you for being an idiot.

Apology accepted!

I just need an outlet to get this mean out.

Hey, can I get a burger?

Oh, I think you've had enough, bigguns.

Damn, that felt good. Toss me an apron.

Which one of you butt-chuggers is next?

Oh, the ginger? You're stepping up?

With your friend, Too-Tight T-Shirt? Okay.

Let's go.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Employees only behind the bar, please.

How do you not see what a great idea this is?

I mean, if I work here, you don't have to pay me,

plus you get to fire that creepy waiter with the giant eyebrows.

Not you.

- It's him. - I know.

I can waitress, I can bartend, I can fill up the urinals with ice.

Why do you do that, by the way?

- It's fun to pee on. - Great, now I wanna try it.

Look, I just want to enjoy my job.

You think this is fun? Pouring beers all day?

Whoo! Look at this! It's all foamy!

You know... How can I say this?

You know how when I rub my temples like this, it means I wanna kill you?

That means you wanna kill me? You do it, like, twenty times a day.

And I've never done this at my bar. Not once.

I'm sorry, but you can't work here.

I'll give you morning sex every day for a month.

Welcome aboard.

I gotta go melt some ice.

Do these two people look like they're just saying hello,

or like they're gonna stab each other?

Definitely stab.

Awesome! It's a gang initiation cake.

I am now the official baker of the Latin Kings.

Li'l Choke is gonna be so excited. He gets stomped in this week.

So, Laurie, I want you to hang one of these pictures in your shop.

But here's the thing. I took one and Travis took one,

you know, with all of his talent.

All you've got to do is tell me which one's which.

Just focus on the symbolic use of light utilized to...

Shut it, art douche.

Okay. This picture really captures this man's soul, you know?

But this one is, like, a caught moment in time.

It's like I could just, you know, turn my head... It's like I'm there.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Okay, this one!

Did I pick right, Travis?

Oh! So close!

I took this one at Bobby's Burgers on my cell

while I spun around in a circle with my eyes closed.

If it makes you feel better, I also made some artsy cupcakes.

I slipped them into your display case.

I've been selling cup-fakes?

What's wrong?

I can't tell which are his and which are mine.

Art! I think I'll call this one Suck It!

Enjoy your meal. Hopefully it can replace the love of a woman.

- Oh! - Do me! Do me!

When's the last time a girl said yes to that?

Oh!

Back of the line, Sasquatch.

Check out all these people!

I mean, this one guy drove all the way down from Tampa

just to meet the Burger Bitch.

Honest to God, you were put on this earth to hurt people's feelings.

Aw.

Shouldn't you be eating goats under a bridge somewhere?

We're neighbours.

She's been doing that to me since before it was cool.

Back of the line.

Hell yeah! That's how you pour a glass of wine, bitch.

No, that's how you pour a glass of wine.

If I pour all my glasses like that, I lose money.

Got it. All right, who wants a refill?

Stop ringing my bell.

That's not what you said last night.

Hey-ho!

Thank you. Frank, here's your burger. It'll be five bucks.

We charge ten bucks for a burger.

In real estate, the most important thing is to make the sale.

Frank wasn't gonna buy high.

If it makes you feel any better,

that woman over there is having a $33 fish and chips.

Thanks, Guillermo. Thank you!

I thought you were gonna fire him.

I couldn't. He's got three kids.

Plus he said he'd cover for me on Fridays when I do Pilates.

So we get the joy of spending every second of every day together,

and I don't even save money?

I also told him he could ring the bell.

Oh, no! You're doing the temple rub.

Sweetie, what can I do to make it stop? Really, I'll do anything.

Kept that job for 12 minutes.

Work sucks.

Yeah, it does.

Jerry, you've been to the house six times.

Did you see a closet? Did you walk into it?

Then yeah, it's a walk-in closet.

- I need a hit. - More cake icing?

No, she gassed up her car on the way over.

Mmm. Diesel.

Andy crapped all over what we do. He has no...

Not now, Tarvis.

You get a 20-second high from good gas. Hold on.

Oh, what a rush. Okay, what did Andy do?

He insulted our crafts.

Those cakes are so much more than just eggs, flour and milk.

I put my soul in them.

And according to some liar on Yelp, one of my fake nails. Whatever.

Normal people just don't realize the sacrifices we make for our art.

God, you two are smug.

Is this the gasoline talking? I mean, let's not forget the dynamic here.

You think I'm perfect.

I remember. But listen up.

If you're one of the few people on this earth that actually loves what they do,

you don't ever rub that in anyone's face.

No, you be grateful. Keep your mouth shut.

Oh, no. Not again.

All right, people, let's line up from least annoying to the most.

Tom, you don't have to be in the back of the line, but you should be near it.

Yes! Not in the back! High-five!

- Now you're in the back. - Oh!

Oh, nothing sadder than a cop on a bike.

Can someone get him a bell for his handlebars?

Could you two step out of the truck?

With all due respect, I know my rights.

I don't know what they are. What are they?

I don't know.

You're screwed if you don't have a permit.

Well, luckily I have one.

I'll go grab it.

Bobby! Stop, he's got a gun!

You're welcome.

Stranger touch!

I'm gonna miss that truck.

It was nice making people feel bad about themselves, even for a second.

Ooh!

Give me a hit of that, E-Train.

I'm not meant to be a stay-at-home mom.

I feel like I need to go back to work. It's time.

That's cool. What would be your dream job? Mmm!

Don't bogart it.

What's all this stuff about you and dream jobs? What are you, seven?

Well, I just want to be happy at my work.

Oh, and by the way, Bobby, I'd make an awesome prostitute.

I feel like I'm missing some backstory.

You know, when we were married, real estate made you happy.

Yeah, that was when you weren't making any cash.

I came through, bought us a house.

I think deep down I liked taking care of the family just myself.

That's why marrying Grayson might have been a big mistake.

He makes his own money.

Sometimes I forget how messed up you are.

Still remember how stoked you were when you sold your first house.

You bought everyone we knew a steak dinner.

Oh, man!

I would love to get that feeling back.

Then quit being lazy and just do it.

Yeah. This stuff makes you lazy.

Hey!

We brought you something.

The Latin Kings didn't want my cake.

Turns out Li'l Choke doesn't like caramel.

- Oh, and also, he's dead. - Aw.

Also, thought you might like this.

Now this, this is art.

- Sorry we were art douches. - Yeah.

You know, when I was younger, I had a dream.

I wanted to be a comedian.

I even did some open mics at my brother's club in Miami.

Were you any good?

Well, you know, it was in Little Havana

and I don't speak Spanish, and, you know...

But I did a pretty good accent and, you know, the crowd really loved me.

Mmm!

Oh, not again. I really should start wearing gloves.

I wanted the crab cakes.

Because I know they're heavy, too, so don't, I mean...

But I'm just saying...

Yeah. I'm not sure I'm in the mood for crab.

Oh, good God! You can't even pick an appetizer, much less a house.

But that's okay. That's why I'm here. I've brought the contract.

You're going to buy that damn place.

Look, I know it's scary buying a house, especially for a new couple.

And, Bonnie, you're probably afraid of that kind of commitment.

And, Jer, you're probably nervous

because you know that Bonnie's got some drinking issues.

- What's she talking about? - Nothing. Jules, go on.

But you guys are ready for this.

Now, here is your pen, here is your pen. They'll have the hummus.

That's right, that's how I say it.

Now, are you ready to buy this house or not?

I'm back!

Way to close, J-Bird!

To Jules!

- Yeah! - Jules!

How'd you get the money for these steaks so fast?

What, did they pay in cash?

These are from your bar.

Oh, man!

That is not gonna worry us.

Okay, amigos, check this out.

So this one time I was...

I took out this white girl, you know?

And, I'm like, "Baby, where do you wanna go?"

And she goes, "I want to go to the chopping mall."

Bitches be loco!

Okay, seriously, seriously. So then, like, I took her to my mom's house,

you know, my mami's house to get some dinner.

And she's like, "You got any kind of mild sauce?"

I go, "Baby, we only got two kind of sauce in this house.

"We got hot and hot."

"Why don't you take your ass back to the chopping mall?"

- Bitches be loco!

-And I... Ay!

They didn't love the accent.