Original subtitles

I can't make a word. I hate this.

I like games you can yell stuff. Jenga! Yahtzee! Go fish, bitch!

Would it help if we had sex?

And that's when Trav realised he was invisible.

No, he's right. I can solve any problem during sex.

You know, you were conceived when I couldn't figure out the VCR remote.

Wanna get some pizza? Trav, you wanna come?

Too much school work. Bring me some.

Whew.

Where's the pizza?

We didn't go yet. But I figured out a word now.

Oh, that's uncool.

Oh, you'll live. Okay, I gotta get Grayson.

He fell asleep on the hood of the car.

I have some bad news.

The tree on the side of the house is dying.

- So sad. - Stop. This is important to me.

When we moved in, I put a swing in it,

and I used to hold Travis in my arms and rock him until he fell asleep.

Didn't you guys move in here when Travis was, like, twelve?

What's your point?

I'm sure the jury will understand when Travis is explaining

why he broke into the morgue to spoon your corpse.

I get how you could be attached to a tree.

See the toaster I got you as a wedding gift?

When I was little, we didn't have a toaster.

We did have a flamethrower that my foster dad got in Vietnam.

I fired it up and accidentally burnt down the trailer,

and I ended up in the street, blaming toast for all of my problems.

Years later, I see that toaster on your registry.

You get a kick-ass wedding gift, and I finally made peace with toast.

I knew you were here telling me this story,

but I was still rooting for you to die in the trailer fire.

So mean.

Honey, you know the tree on the side of the house?

Well, I'm gonna have to spend some money to save it.

Sounds good.

Also, unless you want me to throw out

all of my sexy underwear that I never wear,

I'm gonna need the bottom drawer of your dresser for the rest of our lives.

- Not a problem. - Mmm. Thanks, babe.

Question.

Where did his balls go?

They're right here.

Oh!

- Phew! - Boop.

Now, that's just wrong.

Jer! Hey.

I haven't forgotten about that six bucks I owe you.

How about, instead, I give you a coupon for one free piggyback ride to your car?

- That's how they get around in China. - Forget it.

I mean, loaning Bobby Cobb money's like putting your child up for adoption.

You know you're never gonna see it again, and that's okay.

Yeah. See ya.

Jerry acts like everybody knows what kind of man Bobby Cobb is.

Like I'm a good-for-nothing, a freeloader.

Two large Americanos for Ron!

Free coffee time.

All right, every twenty minutes or so, they call someone who's in the crapper.

Get ready to haul ass.

Ron!

I'm Ron.

Ron Mexico.

Whoo!

Ron Mexico, best name ever!

Look what I bought for the cul-de-sac. It's a wine spike.

You just stick it in the ground and it holds your bottle.

Now we never have to have those awkward moments

where we're outside, but we're not drinking wine.

You know, I could kill a man with these things.

So, can we talk about how your dime-eyed husband

agrees with everything you say without a fight?

I know, it's awesome.

But you love to fight.

- I don't love to fight. - You do.

- No, I don't. - We're fighting now.

- I'm not enjoying it. - Why are you smiling?

- I'm proud of my teeth. - Enough.

Look, Andy does everything I say,

but emasculating men really turns me on.

But I know you.

You need to go toe-to-toe with your husband or you're gonna get bored.

You need some push-back.

I want a passionate marriage. I want it to be spicy but still awesome.

Like Ike and Tina in that movie.

You never finished that DVD, did ya?

I only saw the first twenty minutes, but they seemed like a great couple.

Oh, yeah.

Look at you, drinking like a man. That means we can talk like men.

Don't make it weird, Tom. Ah.

Countdown to weird in three, two...

So, what's your favourite kind of tushie?

Mine's a big old fat one.

Guys, I'm worried about Wade.

This morning when we Skyped he said he was going on a scouting mission.

He tried to play it cool, but I could tell he was really scared.

You know, that's my superpower, I pick up on people's vibes.

And it's like a hundo times stronger in people that I've strudeled.

You think you have a superpower?

Now I'm getting a sceptical vibe.

- Very good. - Yeah.

Everyone in our gang has a special power.

We're like The Avengers.

Nice nerd reference.

Together we could take down the Chitauri army.

Took it too far? Anyway, no one has superpowers.

Sure we do. I read vibes.

Your mom can solve any problem with sex.

Your dad can give anyone the perfect nickname.

What did you call me this morning?

- Laurie Povich. - Laurie Povich!

Ellie can start a fight between any two people.

I bet he doesn't want kids.

Sure, he does... Don't you? What?

So fun.

Andy can find anything.

Hey, buddy, I found your Lego piece.

Thanks.

Stan's crazy strong. He may even be able to fly.

The other day they found him on top of the neighbour's roof.

And Grayson can impersonate anyone.

Yeah, I think you're being a little ridiculous.

Yeah, I think you're being a little ridiculous.

Nailed it, G-Man.

Nailed it, G-Man.

Well, you can't do everyone.

Well, you can't do everyone.

- How great are wine spikes? - I know. I put them all over.

They're like fire hydrants, but useful.

Mmm-hmm.

- I got a plan. - Okay.

Grayson will engage

if it's something he cares about.

Like, if I wanna waste a lot of money,

I get my push-back, then we go back to being Ike and Tina.

You really need to finish that movie.

I should warn Andy about the wine spikes before he mows.

Yes.

- Hey, honey. - Hey, babe.

Okay, so I had the guy from the tree place come out,

and this is what it's gonna cost to save it.

Wow.

Whatever you think's best.

How'd it go?

I'm stuck in a passionless marriage.

Ah! Ow!

Come on!

I decided not to warn him.

This sucks.

I need Grayson to care about what's going on in our lives.

I mean, all I ever wanted was to grow old with someone

and argue with them while we drink wine.

Sounds like us.

What do you say, we pack it all in and become big ole dykes?

No, not yet. But I like to know that choice is out there.

- Stay skinny, just in case. - Deal.

I need you to use your power to get Grayson involved.

Start a fight between us.

My power is strong.

It's like a wildfire. I can't control it.

I need this, Ellie.

Hey, ladies. It's your lucky day.

I've been doing a lot of back work lately,

so I'd like you to meet The Truth's new sidekick, Justice.

The Truth and Justice.

What a team.

So, dime eyes, don't you think it's weird

that Jules didn't take your last name when you guys got married?

I mean, Cobb's not even her maiden name, it's Bobby's.

Sounds like a fun conversation. Bye.

Some fight.

Just you wait. He's gonna think about it, drop everything, and ka-boom.

By the way, your ass is looking tight.

Calm down. We're not there yet.

All right.

Name?

I said, name.

Ron Mexico.

I wanna hang out with a guy named Ron Mexico.

Hey, you wanna come watch me bust up a meth lab?

Hell, yeah, Ron does!

Well, let's do it.

And then he took me on a ride-along.

I was like a kid in a candy store.

- Where'd you go? - Candy store.

They're often covers for meth labs.

Ron Mexico is the manliest name ever, like Joe Montana or Wrath of Khan.

I was Ron Mexico all morning and it was amazing!

Girls were giving me their numbers,

I got a bunch of new people wanting golf lessons.

Hell, I even made some new friends at AA.

- Wait, you went to AA? - Ron did.

He went in for free coffee,

next thing you know, he's telling his life story.

Hey, do you know that our gang

shares a lot of the characteristics with the people of that organisation?

No!

Choose between booze and your marriage right now.

That's too easy.

I don't want you to use the name Cobb any more.

Ka-boom.

Ugh. Wade hasn't texted me back.

It's driving me nuts not knowing if he's okay.

This is worse than that one time I had to wait an extra week

to get my STD results because they had to have specialists weigh in.

Come on, Wade. Where are you?

Okay, you know what? Prove your superpower thing to me.

You see those guys over there? What kind of vibe you getting off them?

Okay.

The guy on the left actually wants to bang the guy on the right.

Wow. That's how Andy looks at my dad.

No.

God, I wish I knew what my superpower was.

We could totally find it.

Trust me, Trav, it's in here.

You just have to believe.

Believe in what?

I don't know, dude. It just seemed like a cool thing to say.

You know, Jules, traditionally

a woman would take her current husband's last name.

Well, that's a stupid tradition.

It's like not wearing white after Labour Day,

or chasing pigs into town to see if it's going to be a long summer.

Cracker alert.

There's nothing wrong with the name Jules Ellis.

If a piano was falling and people yelled, "Move, Mrs Ellis!"

I wouldn't turn because I'm not used to that name.

Your name could kill me.

- Strong argument. - If she was a Road Runner.

You know, this wouldn't be a big deal, Jules,

if you were just keeping your maiden name.

Yeah, that would be ridiculous.

- Then her name would be Jules... - You know the rule.

You say it out loud, we're no longer friends.

May I please say something that it rhymes with?

- No. - Fleenus.

Look, my business is Jules Cobb Real Estate.

I can't just change it on a whim.

A whim is trying a new flavour of ice cream,

or that thing you did with your thumb last night.

Which, by the way, I didn't like.

You know what? You just lost your new dresser drawer.

Don't you walk away from me!

This is awesome.

Okay, honey, let's figure out what your superpower is.

Can you touch your toes to your forehead?

I cannot.

That's a "No" on Limberman. Bummer for the ladies.

- Can you perfectly fold a shirt? - No.

Can you spot a vegan at the mall?

- No. - If you were lost in the woods,

could you turn your pee into drinking water?

- No. - Will you loan me a hundred dollars?

Wait... What?

I was trying to see if your superpower was unconditional generosity.

It is not. Look, you have a baby face.

- Does that do anything? - It keeps the girls away.

We will find your superpower.

And BT dubs, having a baby face is awesome.

Don't look a gift whore in the mouth.

Pretty sure it's "Gift horse."

No, in my neighbourhood there was this prostitute,

and she would hand out gifts during the holidays.

She did not keep up with her dental care, so...

Ooh.

- What's wrong? - Do you ever get the feeling

that something really stupid's gonna happen?

I have an announcement!

I will no longer answer to the name Bobby Cobb.

And there it is.

From this moment forward, I will be known as Ron Mexico.

Aw, man! I wanna party with Ron Mexico.

I do, too. Let's do this.

- You can't just change your name. - Sure I can.

Everyone's cool calling me Ron Mexico from now on, right?

- I love it. - Change approved.

Oh, if you're not gonna use Bobby Cobb,

- can I have your name? - Yes.

No, wait. Ron Mexico is more of a "Yeah" man.

So, yeah.

Bobby says he's not gonna be Bobby Cobb any more.

- Who is he? - Ron Mexico.

Holy crap, that's a good name.

Cobb's mine now, baggage-free. Problem solved.

Once again, you selfishly get whatever the hell you want.

Ellie, this isn't fun any more. Turn it off.

Can't do it.

- Grayson! - No.

Look, you don't like changing your name,

I don't like wearing my wedding ring.

Yeah.

There, now no one knows we're married.

Fine!

Did you actually throw your ring?

- You did. - No, I didn't.

Well, who pretend-throws things to show their anger?

Lots of people!

I'll be at my old house.

Oh! Son of a... My foot! Who put this here?

Why would someone put this here?

Not the time, Tom.

I'd help Mrs Ellis find her ring, she's nice.

But Mrs Cobb is a giant chore.

Yeah, well, sometimes Mr Ellis cries when he makes love.

- Ah, me, too. - Ditto. You gotta be there emotionally.

Here you go, Jules.

You have an amazing gift. Thank you.

Look, all I wanted was for you to get into the game.

- I wanna know your opinion on things. - No, you don't.

You just want me to argue with you, but still get your own way.

Look, my ex, Vivian, and I, we used to fight about everything.

Neither one of us would ever back down.

Look where that got us.

I don't want that to happen to you and me.

Keep whatever name you want.

Bobby, we need to talk.

Bobby?

- Ron? - Yep.

Ron Mexico is a majestic name, but what's wrong with Bobby Cobb?

Ron?

Oh, crap, that's my sponsor from AA.

Ron, I'm just checking in on you.

Are you living on this boat, Ron? Because that is, that is heart-breaking.

Chick is a buzz kill.

Hey! Shut it, you greasy booze bag!

Let me give you some money for a hotel.

I'm good.

Though I did spend the last of my dough on this six-pack.

You're drinking?

Well, it is 4:00.

Okay, who wants to help figure out Trav's superpower?

Is it that you can't not hug him?

I hope not.

What's all this?

Well, I'm trying to make a new last name out of Ellis and Cobb.

"Clobeblis."

Sounds like high cholesterol medicine.

"High blood pressure? Try Clobeblis."

Oh, it's Wade. Baby?

See, I don't know what to do, because I love my last name,

but I wanna make Grayson happy.

Just have sex with him, he said out loud to his mother.

I mean, it's how you can solve any problem, right?

You're a genius.

Oh.

There's your superpower, kiddo.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a kid who gets his mom laid.

Come on! Don't dump mine out. I'm not the one with the fake problem.

Do you know what kind of person Ron Mexico is?

- Not really, no. - You should've listened to him speak.

You know, before the devil-juice stole his soul, he jogged across America,

he got shot in the buttocks in 'Nam. He worked on a shrimp boat.

So, he's Forrest Gump?

Well, there are some similarities.

Listen, dude, if I was Bobby Cobb at that meeting,

you know what I would've said?

I peaked in college, I drive a golf cart instead of a car,

and I live on some old, crusty boat

that's so full of spiders it's like a spider nursery.

Oh, also, my wife divorced me

and ended up marrying one of my best friends.

You know, and sometimes, late at night,

after killing the last of the day's spiders,

I lie in bed wondering if I'll ever be more than what I already am.

So, you're not Ron Mexico?

Hello, I'm Bobby Cobb, and, unfortunately, I'm not an alcoholic.

- Wade's okay. - Well, that's good news.

You know, I was so busy trying to figure out your superpower

that I didn't have time to worry about him.

You did that on purpose, didn't you?

That's crazy.

That's it. That's your superpower.

You're Selfless man.

Whether it's sending your mom off to strudel or distracting me,

you always put everyone else's happiness ahead of your own.

Selfless man.

It's not gonna sell a lot of comics.

I think it's really sweet.

I'm getting a weird vibe.

- What are you writing with your tiles? - Don't worry about it.

Look, stop using your powers on me, witch!

I wanna see.

Get out of here.

Look, I know you challenged your ex-wife

and you guys fell apart, but we're different.

- How? - We're better.

Everybody out! The bar is closed.

- No, you can't just close my bar. - We're gonna have sex.

No thumbs.

Everyone out! Closing early.

I got a full beer. This sucks.

- Did you just pretend-throw your wallet? - Oh, yeah.

Son of a bitch, that's a real thing.

Ah!

I think we killed all the spiders.

You know, it was nice being Ron Mexico.

But, it's like what Jerry said at Coffee Bucks,

"Everybody knows what they're gonna get with Bobby Cobb."

You just can't change that.

People always make the mistake

of thinking who they are now is who they'll be forever.

Look at J.K. Rowling.

She was poor, struggling,

then she came up with Harry Potter and she's a billionaire.

Please don't make me write books about child wizards.

I'm not gonna be very good at it.

My point is, you're Bobby Cobb. That day could be tomorrow.

Just one, one big idea, one victory in your life,

and, boom, everything is different.

You really think that's gonna happen to me?

I know it will.

And when it does, everyone's gonna say,

"God help me, I wanna party with Bobby Cobb."

Thanks, Andango.

Best nickname ever.

So we're agreed.

I keep Jules Cobb, but I legally change to Jules Ellis on my driver's licence.

And you promise to always push back just a little bit?

Deal.

Hey, once you officially change your name,

would you ever let anyone see your licence?

No.

Well, would you ever let anyone call you Jules Ellis?

No, no.

- But you could. - Okay.

Mmm.

Ron Mexico, Ron Mexico

He's loved and he's lost, but he's never longed

He travels the world righting wrongs

He's American-born, 100% male

He's got the heart of the lion and the dong of a whale

He's tanned and strong with honey-hued hair

When he wants a fish, he takes it from a bear

He doesn't need a helmet to breathe in space

He travelled back in time to punch Hitler in the face

He knows karate and even kung-fu

But he's charming enough to co-host The View

He's Ron Mexico

Ron Mexico, Ron Mexico

Ron Mexico, Ron Mexico

Ron Mexico