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1
00:00:04,959 --> 00:00:06,417
Thanks for meeting me here.
2
00:00:06,709 --> 00:00:08,083
Hey, I get it.
3
00:00:08,166 --> 00:00:09,291
You don't want me coming by your place
4
00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:10,417
when your roommates are there.
5
00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:12,500
Wouldn't want them to think
you have a mother.
6
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,250
Got the laundry.
7
00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:20,583
It's all there. Now pay up.
8
00:00:20,959 --> 00:00:22,542
All right.
Here.
9
00:00:24,709 --> 00:00:27,834
Whoa. You trying to punk me, boy?
10
00:00:29,667 --> 00:00:30,709
Give me the rest.
11
00:00:31,709 --> 00:00:32,875
Love you, Mom.
12
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,041
There's the stuff.
13
00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:37,250
- Oh.
- Okay.
14
00:00:38,417 --> 00:00:39,500
All right. Stop, stop.
15
00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:41,000
No, I don't wanna stop.
16
00:00:46,875 --> 00:00:48,000
Hey, Jules.
17
00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:49,125
Can't talk, Tom.
18
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,625
It's our weekly family night.
Got until the shade closes.
19
00:00:51,709 --> 00:00:53,875
Oh, uh, so I'm leaving for
a sweet vay-cay in Cancun.
20
00:00:53,959 --> 00:00:55,625
Got a killer deal on a...
21
00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,583
- Can one of you feed my cat?
- Got it.
22
00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:01,291
{\an8}Okay, who's in charge of feeding
Tom's stupid cat? Not it.
23
00:01:01,375 --> 00:01:02,458
{\an8}- Not it!
- Nope!
24
00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:04,458
{\an8}Looks like Travis' date's on cat duty.
25
00:01:04,542 --> 00:01:06,041
{\an8}I don't live in the area.
26
00:01:06,125 --> 00:01:08,500
{\an8}That sounds like a "you" problem.
27
00:01:08,583 --> 00:01:10,375
{\an8}So, tonight we're watching
Game of Thrones
28
00:01:10,458 --> 00:01:12,667
{\an8}because I wanna stay on top
of trendy things.
29
00:01:13,041 --> 00:01:16,041
{\an8}Next week, we're going to watch, read
or play something
30
00:01:16,125 --> 00:01:18,125
{\an8}called The Hungry Games.
I don't know what it is.
31
00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:21,000
{\an8}Admittedly, Game of Thrones
gives me a giant nerd-gasm,
32
00:01:21,083 --> 00:01:23,458
{\an8}but I gotta warn you guys,
it's a little racy.
33
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,959
{\an8}Oh, Trav, we're adults.
34
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:27,500
{\an8}We can handle...
Oh, wow, boobs already.
35
00:01:27,583 --> 00:01:30,834
{\an8}Whoo! She is pretty.
I picked a bad night to go commando.
36
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,750
{\an8}At least I'm not on a first date.
Oh, wait, yes, I am.
37
00:01:35,125 --> 00:01:36,709
{\an8}Do her nipples look like mine?
38
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:37,875
{\an8}- No.
- Yup.
39
00:01:39,625 --> 00:01:41,792
{\an8}Well, I got a hold of 'em before Trav did.
40
00:01:42,458 --> 00:01:43,500
{\an8}Lucky.
41
00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:44,834
{\an8}I know.
42
00:01:44,917 --> 00:01:47,333
{\an8}They used to not be nearly as long.
Really.
43
00:01:47,834 --> 00:01:49,417
{\an8}Maybe nobody talk for a while.
44
00:01:50,291 --> 00:01:51,333
{\an8}Oh, boy.
45
00:01:52,458 --> 00:01:53,542
{\an8}Do you wanna play a little game
46
00:01:53,625 --> 00:01:55,750
{\an8}I like to call Things That Annoy Ellie?
47
00:01:56,291 --> 00:01:57,667
{\an8}Ooh!
48
00:01:58,291 --> 00:01:59,750
{\an8}- Vegans.
- Fedoras.
49
00:01:59,834 --> 00:02:01,375
{\an8}- Rainbows.
- The WNBA.
50
00:02:01,458 --> 00:02:03,208
{\an8}- Other people's children.
- Butterflies.
51
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,875
{\an8}- Street fests.
- Talking.
52
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,667
{\an8}Oh, this could go on for 6,000 years.
53
00:02:06,917 --> 00:02:10,333
{\an8}I was thinking more about things that
annoy me in this room.
54
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,500
{\an8}There's the horse dog on my couch
licking his junk.
55
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,375
{\an8}I love a dog that
keeps a clean biscuit basket.
56
00:02:16,959 --> 00:02:18,417
{\an8}Dog Travis, beer me.
57
00:02:20,542 --> 00:02:22,500
{\an8}Still, the worst thing is that
58
00:02:22,583 --> 00:02:26,250
{\an8}you just leave your tiny, wide socks
all over the floor.
59
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:27,542
{\an8}Pick them up!
60
00:02:31,458 --> 00:02:34,333
{\an8}You don't have to yell at Andy
all the time to get what you want.
61
00:02:34,625 --> 00:02:37,458
{\an8}Please tell me more about
making a marriage work.
62
00:02:37,583 --> 00:02:39,667
{\an8}Dog Travis used to be like Ando.
63
00:02:39,750 --> 00:02:42,834
{\an8}I'd yell and he'd do stuff,
but he'd resent me.
64
00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:46,041
{\an8}I stopped yelling
and started giving him treats.
65
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,583
{\an8}Good boy!
66
00:02:49,709 --> 00:02:52,125
{\an8}Where did he get that?
We don't even have beer.
67
00:02:52,542 --> 00:02:55,792
{\an8}He's a beer hound.
He just finds the closest one.
68
00:02:57,875 --> 00:02:59,625
Light beer?
69
00:03:01,792 --> 00:03:03,250
Message received.
70
00:03:04,625 --> 00:03:07,750
Family night was a disaster.
We ran out of popcorn.
71
00:03:08,166 --> 00:03:10,667
Oh, and I made my son
and his date watch porn.
72
00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:14,792
Did you guys know that
pornography is named after
73
00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:17,041
the instrument
used to measure arousal?
74
00:03:17,125 --> 00:03:19,291
- The pornograph. Fact.
- Oh.
75
00:03:19,625 --> 00:03:20,750
Not a fact.
76
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,000
I'm gonna go talk to Travis.
77
00:03:22,083 --> 00:03:24,333
Wait, first, uh, check out the truth.
78
00:03:24,417 --> 00:03:26,500
Freshly waxed.
79
00:03:26,792 --> 00:03:30,542
Ooh, it's like a brand-new,
slightly gay Ferrari.
80
00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:33,291
Oh, I wish you wouldn't call
my beauty regimen gay.
81
00:03:33,417 --> 00:03:36,250
And I wish you
wouldn't say, "Beauty regimen."
82
00:03:36,333 --> 00:03:37,375
Why do you even care?
83
00:03:37,458 --> 00:03:41,000
Sweetie, you know Grayson's always
been a little bit homophobic. Fact.
84
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,458
You're right. Bye.
85
00:03:42,875 --> 00:03:44,208
I am not...
86
00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:48,458
Just because you say
"fact" doesn't make something a fact.
87
00:03:48,917 --> 00:03:49,959
Fact.
88
00:03:51,583 --> 00:03:54,375
I've been thinking a lot
about family night.
89
00:03:54,458 --> 00:03:57,709
I don't wanna ever force you
to spend time with me again.
90
00:03:57,792 --> 00:03:59,041
Unless, of course, I was dying,
91
00:03:59,125 --> 00:04:00,834
and then I'd want you
around me constantly.
92
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:04,041
But I wouldn't wanna burden you,
so I wouldn't tell you I was dying.
93
00:04:04,750 --> 00:04:08,750
But then when I finally did die...
Oh, you would be crushed.
94
00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:11,375
I hope when I die,
I get to see my own funeral
95
00:04:11,458 --> 00:04:12,792
- because...
- Mom, family night.
96
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:15,834
Look, you're an adult now.
97
00:04:15,959 --> 00:04:19,250
We shouldn't have to schedule
mandatory get-togethers.
98
00:04:19,333 --> 00:04:21,166
We should hang out whenever we want,
have a drink.
99
00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:22,417
You know, really connect.
100
00:04:22,709 --> 00:04:24,333
Oh, my God. You want us to be friends?
101
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,375
Friends that can talk about anything.
102
00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:29,041
I wanna be friends with benefits.
103
00:04:30,625 --> 00:04:32,875
- I didn't use that right, did I?
- I hope not.
104
00:04:33,166 --> 00:04:35,125
All right, so tell me
what's going on in your life.
105
00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:36,625
Are you still hung up on Laurie?
106
00:04:37,917 --> 00:04:39,542
I stole her retainer.
107
00:04:39,625 --> 00:04:40,959
Friends keep secrets.
108
00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:42,750
- Cheers.
- Okay.
109
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,375
What about that girl you brought
to the house? What was her name?
110
00:04:45,458 --> 00:04:46,709
I just call her Not Laurie.
111
00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:47,917
- Well, not to her face?
- No.
112
00:04:48,041 --> 00:04:49,291
- Oh.
- Once, but it was dark,
113
00:04:49,375 --> 00:04:50,667
we were making out.
114
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,333
The weird part is forgetting her name
made her like me more.
115
00:04:53,417 --> 00:04:55,291
Why is it the second
you start treating girls like crap,
116
00:04:55,375 --> 00:04:56,417
they can't keep their clothes on?
117
00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:58,709
If I could answer that,
you might not exist.
118
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:04,083
Seriously?
I have to see more socks on the floor?
119
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:08,959
Problem solved.
120
00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:11,291
Hey, boo.
121
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:14,125
If you pick up your socks
and put them in the hamper,
122
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,250
I'll give you a kiss on the forehead.
123
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:17,458
Really?
124
00:05:19,041 --> 00:05:20,542
Is this a trick? Are you gonna hit me?
125
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,709
No.
126
00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:30,667
Okay, come on.
127
00:05:34,583 --> 00:05:35,917
What a good boy.
128
00:05:39,792 --> 00:05:42,542
You guys totally captured
Selleck, Danson,
129
00:05:42,625 --> 00:05:44,291
and that other guy
no one can ever remember.
130
00:05:44,375 --> 00:05:46,208
You know what's missing?
Tom Selleck's moustache.
131
00:05:46,291 --> 00:05:49,041
Ooh! We should all grow
one of those glorious bastards.
132
00:05:49,208 --> 00:05:51,959
Oh, you always have
such horrible ideas.
133
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,291
This is not one of them. I'm in.
134
00:05:54,417 --> 00:05:55,792
Yeah, baby!
135
00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:57,083
Oh, boy.
136
00:05:57,208 --> 00:06:01,208
Hey, guys. We're not doing
mandatory family nights any more.
137
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:02,667
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
138
00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:04,583
- Whoo!
- I thought you'd be sad.
139
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:10,375
Anyway, I just had the most amazing
grown-up date with Travis.
140
00:06:10,792 --> 00:06:14,208
Oh! We talked for hours
and it felt like five minutes.
141
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,709
I'm so proud of you for
not sleeping with him.
142
00:06:16,792 --> 00:06:18,750
Honest to God,
it could've gone either way.
143
00:06:19,709 --> 00:06:21,750
Anyway, I told Travis to only come over
144
00:06:21,834 --> 00:06:24,041
when he really wants to see me.
145
00:06:25,166 --> 00:06:28,291
It's been nine days.
Why doesn't he wanna see me?
146
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:32,583
What are you idiots doing?
147
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,333
This is how guys with moustaches think.
148
00:06:35,750 --> 00:06:37,375
- Mmm.
- You think you're the only ones
149
00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:39,166
who can grow body hair?
150
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:41,250
I've let things go, too. Check it.
151
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,125
Oh!
152
00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:50,583
Cheer up. Trav will eventually come by.
153
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:53,125
You raised him to be dependent
and helpless.
154
00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:54,500
Thanks, babe.
155
00:06:54,583 --> 00:06:56,291
I knew you'd take that as a compliment.
156
00:06:58,417 --> 00:06:59,500
Mmm.
157
00:06:59,583 --> 00:07:00,625
Mmm.
158
00:07:00,709 --> 00:07:02,458
Bye.
159
00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:05,166
God!
160
00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:06,834
Stupid 'stache rash.
161
00:07:06,917 --> 00:07:07,959
My whole body is red
162
00:07:08,041 --> 00:07:09,083
from that damn thing.
163
00:07:09,458 --> 00:07:11,667
Oh, to hell with it,
I'm just gonna call Trav.
164
00:07:11,959 --> 00:07:14,166
- I have to, I'm in love with him.
- Huh?
165
00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:17,583
I mean, I love him.
Well, they're the same, right?
166
00:07:17,917 --> 00:07:20,792
What is this,
amateur night at Club Desperate?
167
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,583
You are not calling him.
168
00:07:34,792 --> 00:07:37,125
Nice job, Dog Trav.
169
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:39,834
Why is mine club soda?
170
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,750
DT designated you my driver.
171
00:07:44,959 --> 00:07:47,208
Hey. Andy, go grab my slippers.
172
00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:51,041
What a good boy.
173
00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:53,750
You were right!
174
00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:57,792
A few treats, some "good boys,"
I can get Andy to do anything.
175
00:07:57,875 --> 00:08:00,250
He only uses
the downstairs bathroom now.
176
00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:01,709
We call it his "pee spot."
177
00:08:01,792 --> 00:08:03,333
I just meant be nicer to him...
178
00:08:04,959 --> 00:08:06,333
Not treat him like a dog!
179
00:08:06,792 --> 00:08:08,125
You should be proud of yourself.
180
00:08:08,208 --> 00:08:10,875
You haven't had a good idea since ever.
181
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:15,375
Thank you. Thanks, boo.
Do you want some peanut butter?
182
00:08:16,166 --> 00:08:18,125
Oh, it's good, that good.
183
00:08:22,166 --> 00:08:24,333
That's how I get him
to take his vitamin.
184
00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:29,250
How awesome is this moustache?
185
00:08:31,625 --> 00:08:32,875
I remember
186
00:08:32,959 --> 00:08:34,542
the first time I met The Dude.
187
00:08:37,458 --> 00:08:38,750
Mmm-hmm.
188
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:44,125
Aw! It's so sweet to see you
get cruised in your cowboy hat.
189
00:08:44,542 --> 00:08:46,041
No, that guy's not gay.
190
00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:48,667
Nodding is just how
moustache buddies say hello.
191
00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:52,250
No, it's how gay moustache buddies say,
192
00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:57,792
"Meet me in the handicap stall
so we can discuss Channing's tatums."
193
00:08:58,083 --> 00:09:00,208
Well, maybe it's not the 'stache.
Maybe it's the hat.
194
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:03,709
No, even without the lid,
195
00:09:03,792 --> 00:09:07,417
your pulse is still giving me a real...
196
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,333
Fine, I guess I'll shave it.
197
00:09:09,417 --> 00:09:12,250
But you love your fanny duster.
198
00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:17,667
Now, if you are not just
a teensy bit homophobic,
199
00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:20,208
why would you have to shave it?
200
00:09:20,291 --> 00:09:21,375
Damn it.
201
00:09:21,458 --> 00:09:23,792
Excuse me, I feel like dancing.
202
00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:31,083
Oh, my God. I wanna call Travis so bad.
203
00:09:31,166 --> 00:09:33,166
Here, take my phone.
204
00:09:33,291 --> 00:09:34,417
That's a calculator.
205
00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:37,291
Well, I can't give you my real phone.
Travis might call.
206
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:40,041
Leave him be. It's not that hard.
207
00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:44,166
I haven't seen my kid since...
Ooh, bath time yesterday.
208
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,500
I just hate not knowing where he is.
209
00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:50,000
I mean, he could be at the gym,
he could be dead in a ditch.
210
00:09:50,083 --> 00:09:51,709
Yes, I know he's not at the gym.
211
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,083
Screw it, I'm calling him.
212
00:09:54,166 --> 00:09:56,417
Jules, don't. You'll regret it.
213
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,417
Girl, please. I'll be smooth.
214
00:09:58,500 --> 00:09:59,542
Oh, really?
215
00:10:01,917 --> 00:10:02,959
Hello.
216
00:10:03,291 --> 00:10:04,333
Trav?
217
00:10:04,417 --> 00:10:06,917
Weird.
I must have butt-dialled you.
218
00:10:07,125 --> 00:10:08,875
From the Torres' home phone?
219
00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:11,583
I know, that's crazy.
220
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,709
So, what up?
221
00:10:13,875 --> 00:10:17,000
I'm actually super busy right now, so...
222
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:19,000
Well, I am totally slammed, too.
223
00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:20,917
Okay, well, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
224
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:23,917
Love you.
225
00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:25,333
How'd that feel?
226
00:10:30,208 --> 00:10:32,333
It feels like we have
a bigger gay crowd than usual.
227
00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:36,375
I maybe tweeted the Glarmy,
that's the Gay Larmy,
228
00:10:36,458 --> 00:10:39,125
and told them there was
a real rainbow-friendly bar
229
00:10:39,208 --> 00:10:44,000
with a hot, 'stached owner who
lurves himself some Kathy Griffin.
230
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:46,542
She knows she's not A list,
but she just rolls with it.
231
00:10:46,875 --> 00:10:49,417
Also, I fixed your sign.
232
00:10:53,834 --> 00:10:56,333
It's catchy. Doesn't bother me.
233
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:00,709
Wow.
234
00:11:01,709 --> 00:11:03,125
Felt like a five.
235
00:11:05,083 --> 00:11:06,333
- Andy?
- Hmm?
236
00:11:06,417 --> 00:11:07,458
We've gotta go.
237
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:10,166
I just saw Stan's
kindergarten teacher doing something
238
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:11,709
his wife shouldn't know about.
239
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:16,583
Back off, he's taken.
240
00:11:17,875 --> 00:11:19,583
Andy, let's go.
241
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:21,500
Well, you don't have to follow her.
242
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,041
Sure I do. She clicked.
243
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:24,667
Don't you see what she's doing?
244
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,041
Stay.
245
00:11:28,041 --> 00:11:29,125
Hey, cornbread.
246
00:11:29,208 --> 00:11:31,333
Please do not ruin this thing
I've got going with Andy
247
00:11:31,417 --> 00:11:33,333
or I'm going to give you a vasectomy
with that fork.
248
00:11:37,625 --> 00:11:40,667
Andrew, all the treats
and all the "good boys"...
249
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:43,500
She's training you
the same way I trained Dog Travis.
250
00:11:43,875 --> 00:11:45,333
She'd never do that. Right?
251
00:11:45,542 --> 00:11:46,625
Eh.
252
00:11:47,041 --> 00:11:49,291
I'm not an animal. I'm a man, damn it!
253
00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:07,250
Hey, sunnin' your 'stache?
254
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,709
I like to keep the tickler golden.
255
00:12:09,792 --> 00:12:11,709
DT, fetch the lady a drink.
256
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,291
Uh-oh.
257
00:12:18,875 --> 00:12:21,500
I know that look.
You're obsessing about something.
258
00:12:21,792 --> 00:12:23,291
This sucks.
259
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,166
Our kid became an adult.
260
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:27,834
I knew he'd have his own life,
261
00:12:27,959 --> 00:12:29,792
but I didn't think he'd leave us behind.
262
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,041
I mean, do you feel like
263
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:33,041
he doesn't even wanna
see you any more?
264
00:12:33,625 --> 00:12:35,458
- Not really.
- Hey, Mom.
265
00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:38,500
So it's not that you don't want to
see your parents, right?
266
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,542
It's that you don't wanna see me.
267
00:12:42,458 --> 00:12:43,542
Mom.
268
00:12:47,625 --> 00:12:50,542
Hola, guys. Thanks for feeding my cat.
269
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:55,959
Oh, right. Your cat, that you have,
which we fed.
270
00:12:56,291 --> 00:12:58,709
Snowball's been acting weird
ever since I got back.
271
00:12:59,333 --> 00:13:02,625
Cold and distant, almost primitive.
272
00:13:02,709 --> 00:13:04,166
Anyway, thanks for feeding her.
273
00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:05,375
Mmm-hmm.
274
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:09,417
That explains all the dead squirrels
in the backyard.
275
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,417
I starved his cat.
276
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,500
I didn't think I could feel any worse.
277
00:13:13,583 --> 00:13:17,417
Sweetie, I know
how rejection can be so painful.
278
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,125
I mean, like, I don't know personally,
279
00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:21,291
but I've heard about it
from girls with small boobs.
280
00:13:21,417 --> 00:13:23,917
All kids pull away from their folks.
281
00:13:24,041 --> 00:13:27,375
When Trav was little, he ran away,
ended up in Key Largo,
282
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:30,792
and to get him back, I had to trade
my soul with that Haitian shaman.
283
00:13:31,083 --> 00:13:32,125
Remember?
284
00:13:32,417 --> 00:13:34,375
Nope. First I'm hearing of it.
285
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,834
Stop! Now, this is my sad.
No piggybacking.
286
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:51,709
Hey, I'm sad, too. My wife treats me
like a dog. And as a man...
287
00:13:51,917 --> 00:13:54,208
Snore! My sad is sadder, right?
288
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,792
Much sadder.
289
00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:01,000
Look, the two of you are both mad
at people you love, all right?
290
00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:02,542
This is all gonna blow over.
291
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,375
- I guess you're right.
- Yeah.
292
00:14:04,583 --> 00:14:06,917
Zooey Descha-hell-no.
293
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,375
What you two need is revenge.
294
00:14:09,458 --> 00:14:12,417
If someone hurts you,
you hurt them right back.
295
00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:14,542
- Yeah, revenge is better. Mmm.
- I'm in.
296
00:14:14,959 --> 00:14:16,000
Yup.
297
00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:18,041
Have you guys seen Snowball?
She got out.
298
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,333
Oh, God!
299
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,250
- Snowball, no! No! Stop!
- Oh!
300
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,041
Stop!
301
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,417
Look at this.
302
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,583
- Trippy.
- Hey, Trav.
303
00:14:27,917 --> 00:14:30,583
Mom. What are you doing here?
304
00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:32,583
I brought your laundry.
305
00:14:32,792 --> 00:14:35,750
I washed all your little T-shirts
and your undies.
306
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:37,500
Oh, I used the lavender soap
307
00:14:37,583 --> 00:14:40,333
because I know how you like to smell
like a bitch.
308
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:42,667
I'm out.
309
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:48,458
That's my favourite thing
that's ever happened.
310
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,875
Are you chewing my favourite sandal?
311
00:14:54,709 --> 00:14:56,458
It's a little gross at first.
312
00:14:56,959 --> 00:15:00,125
- Just tastes like jerky.
- I'm so stupid.
313
00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:02,250
What's happening?
314
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:04,625
You know I find it confusing
when you're vulnerable.
315
00:15:04,917 --> 00:15:07,625
I'm so sorry. I...
316
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,125
Come on!
317
00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:15,291
Confident in my sexuality
318
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:20,333
Bongo nude like Matt McConaughey
319
00:15:20,417 --> 00:15:24,250
He plays the same dude
in all of his movies. Fact.
320
00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:25,917
McConaugh-haters gonna hate.
321
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,333
Why can't you just own up
to who you are?
322
00:15:28,417 --> 00:15:32,417
A nice, straight guy who's
maybe just a teensy-tinesy bit
323
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,959
uncomfortable with
ripped abs and man-crack?
324
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:39,333
Because that's not who I am.
You know what? That's it.
325
00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:44,333
Let me ask you something.
326
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:46,917
Why does it make me a homophobe
327
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,583
because I want people
to know I'm straight?
328
00:15:50,041 --> 00:15:51,500
I mean,
you want people to know you're gay.
329
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:52,667
I'm not gay.
330
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:55,208
Uh, well, then you, sir,
are a bad example.
331
00:15:55,709 --> 00:15:58,500
Look, I am fine with anyone's life choice.
332
00:15:58,625 --> 00:15:59,709
It's not a choice!
333
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,041
Mistake number two.
334
00:16:03,125 --> 00:16:05,041
Look, I just don't want
people to judge me
335
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:08,417
because I like my manis, my pedis,
my waxies,
336
00:16:08,542 --> 00:16:11,000
my shirts that make my eyes pop,
which are, by the way, all of them.
337
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,875
You know what?
I like bottomless mimosas,
338
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:18,792
and the redesigned VW Bug,
and Brad Pitt is a work of art,
339
00:16:18,875 --> 00:16:20,667
nobody can deny that.
340
00:16:21,375 --> 00:16:25,291
It's time to drop the labels, people,
and just share.
341
00:16:25,625 --> 00:16:28,583
Gay, straight, the backhand snap
is for all of us.
342
00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:31,041
It's the perfect way
to punctuate a sentence.
343
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:35,166
Oh! And, uh, you guys
don't own rainbows, okay?
344
00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:39,083
We all love refracted light,
it's beautiful.
345
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:43,208
So let's enjoy these things as brothers.
Who's with me?
346
00:16:45,291 --> 00:16:47,166
That was super-weird.
347
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,750
Nice tizzy, Grayson.
348
00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:55,250
I knew I could unravel you.
Why don't you go ahead? Say it.
349
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:59,166
Fact, girl, you work my nerve.
350
00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:06,917
Thought I might find you here.
351
00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:09,083
This was where we had our first date.
352
00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:12,333
It went so well
I thought it would lead to more.
353
00:17:12,625 --> 00:17:13,792
More what?
354
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,291
This is my fault.
355
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:18,000
Look, I love hanging out with you.
356
00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:21,792
It's just, sometimes
it's easier to hang out with Dad.
357
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:23,792
You know, he doesn't make me talk.
358
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:26,291
All we do is sit and watch TV
and fart in the fart jar.
359
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:28,291
And yes,
that's exactly what it sounds like.
360
00:17:28,625 --> 00:17:30,917
You don't have to tell me.
I got a couple in there.
361
00:17:31,709 --> 00:17:33,875
Solid mother-son moment.
362
00:17:34,417 --> 00:17:36,041
Look, it's just that when I'm with you,
363
00:17:36,125 --> 00:17:38,583
you make me talk about real stuff.
364
00:17:38,917 --> 00:17:40,583
You know, you're like,
365
00:17:40,959 --> 00:17:43,959
"Are you over Laurie?"
"Who's the new girl at school?"
366
00:17:44,041 --> 00:17:46,625
I can't stop thinking about Nana Ruthie.
367
00:17:46,709 --> 00:17:49,750
I remember she would call
and you never wanted to talk to her.
368
00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:51,542
You were always like...
369
00:17:52,291 --> 00:17:54,375
I just don't wanna ever be
Nana Ruthie to you.
370
00:17:54,458 --> 00:17:56,458
Well, that'll never happen.
371
00:17:56,834 --> 00:17:58,750
'Cause you don't have
a racist doll collection,
372
00:17:59,458 --> 00:18:02,583
or a racist plate collection,
or a racist salt shaker collection.
373
00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:04,709
- Yeah, she was a real...
- Racist.
374
00:18:05,208 --> 00:18:07,834
Well, I was gonna say collector,
but she was probably both.
375
00:18:10,208 --> 00:18:14,333
See, the whole point of having a child
376
00:18:14,458 --> 00:18:19,750
is to love it and to nurture it
and to worry about it.
377
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:23,667
And eventually,
if you've done your job right,
378
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,333
the child doesn't need you any more.
379
00:18:27,125 --> 00:18:30,166
But you know what? It makes me happy.
380
00:18:30,959 --> 00:18:32,917
You don't sound happy.
381
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,041
Well, I am. I promise.
382
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:48,208
Okay, if you're gonna act insecure
and sad,
383
00:18:48,291 --> 00:18:50,792
then I don't know
who the hell I'm supposed to be.
384
00:18:51,709 --> 00:18:54,709
You know how I yell at you
and nag you sometimes?
385
00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,208
I'm aware of that behaviour, yes.
386
00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:00,291
I know the dog thing was stupid.
387
00:19:00,375 --> 00:19:03,583
I just know me and I want what I want.
388
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:05,542
And I guess I felt excited
389
00:19:05,625 --> 00:19:08,709
to find a way to get it from you
and still be nice.
390
00:19:09,250 --> 00:19:12,792
Okay, other people may see you as
a terrifying hate goblin.
391
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,625
Not done, not done, not done,
not done, not done.
392
00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:16,750
But they don't matter.
393
00:19:17,291 --> 00:19:21,125
I see my fiery, hilarious, beautiful wife
394
00:19:21,375 --> 00:19:25,500
who I know
loves me more than anything.
395
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,709
I really do, you know.
396
00:19:29,208 --> 00:19:31,709
- Do you wanna say it out loud?
- I do not.
397
00:19:33,375 --> 00:19:34,417
No!
398
00:19:34,709 --> 00:19:35,917
You have got to shave that thing.
399
00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,291
It feels like I'm eating Willie Nelson.
400
00:19:38,875 --> 00:19:40,583
There's my girl.
401
00:19:42,750 --> 00:19:45,083
Good. I didn't miss family night.
402
00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:47,792
We're not doing that any more.
403
00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:49,333
I know.
404
00:19:51,166 --> 00:19:52,208
Scooch.
405
00:19:54,917 --> 00:19:57,208
- Ooh! Game of Thrones.
- Yep.
406
00:19:57,959 --> 00:19:59,125
You know, I almost figured out
407
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:01,083
which one of those dudes
is from the future.
408
00:20:01,375 --> 00:20:02,458
- The red-headed...
- None of them.
409
00:20:02,542 --> 00:20:04,083
None of them? Mmm.
410
00:20:11,625 --> 00:20:14,083
This show has so much butt sex.
411
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,291
Hey, Tom. We were wondering if
412
00:20:19,375 --> 00:20:21,291
we could borrow
three or four bottles of wine.
413
00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:23,667
Oh. What happened to your face?
414
00:20:23,959 --> 00:20:25,792
Uh, nothing. I, uh, ran into a door.
415
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,333
Isn't that crazy?
416
00:20:27,417 --> 00:20:29,458
Did Snowball do this to you?
417
00:20:29,542 --> 00:20:32,208
{\an8}She's been, uh, really stressed lately.
And, uh...
418
00:20:33,542 --> 00:20:34,667
{\an8}You should go.
419
00:20:36,208 --> 00:20:38,250
{\an8}- Aw! Hey.
- Uh...
420
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:41,750
{\an8}It's okay, baby.
She was just asking directions.
421
00:20:44,166 --> 00:20:46,125
{\an8}I'm really gonna get it this time.
422
00:20:49,583 --> 00:20:52,709
Snowball, no!
Bad cat! Bloody...
423
00:20:53,417 --> 00:20:55,583
{\an8}That guy is so weird.
31642
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