Original subtitles

Come say g'day to Kaz and Ray

at Sunraysia Agriculture.

-Shut up.

Get out.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck you.

- Hey!

You fucking donut.

What are you doing you dickbrain?

What are you? Are you blind?

Are you drunk?

Hey, big head.

Oi. Fuck features.

What?

-How old are you?

-I'm 16, mate. It's none of your fucking business.

-Where are your learner plates?

-Where's yours?

-No, I'm 44.

-Or, if you got your learners, you might have been taught

to check the fucking road before you pull out.

-I did I checked the road and you weren't there.

And then I...

-Oh fuck. -Ah!

- Oh fuck. - Ow.

-Ow, ow. Oh yuck. -Ow.

-Is that?

Oh fuck. I'm calling...

I'm gonna call... Just stay there I'll call the thing...

Ambo.

Fuck. Um...

I've got no reception.

-Do you have reception? -I don't have a phone.

-Really? Why not?

-OK, can you fucking focus fuck arse!

-Yeah. I'm... Right.

Ah, Mildura's like 45k's away, right?

-How the shit would I know?

-Mildura's like big, they'll have a hospital

or medical centre or something.

You can drive, 'cause your car's fine.

-Ute. -What?

-It's a ute.

And you're gonna have to drive it, So try not to crash it.

-You... Ah...

Uh... Fuck.

Um...

- Are you kidding me?

-But it's my...

piano.

- And this is my arm, cockface.

-Well, maybe we can just, um, take the trailer off

and hook it to the ute, we can do that right?

-Yeah, you reckon?

The axle's gone...

Genius.

-Oh fuck.

OK. OK, fine.

Come on. We gotta go.

-Come on, I'll drive. -Fuck.

Stick it on the back!

OK, stop.

-This is not going to work.

It's way too high.

-Oh, stop your whingeing.

Dig a hole.

Ta da!

-See.

-What's your name?

-Meg.

-Is that short for Megan or... -Na, it's short for Steve.

What's yours?

-Lucky

Well, it's Lachlan, but I've always been Lucky.

Jesus. Are you right?

-Who's Toby? -No one. Can I have it please?

-Oh, what? Is he your boyfriend?

-What does it say?

- Are you on a plane?

Are you, Lachlan?

Are you on a plane?

-You should give your mum and dad a call and let...

-Don't you think you should-- -No.

-I just think-- -It's none of your business

but is it?

-Fine. I don't actually give a shit dude.

- Dude. Dude.

Don't you frickin' dare.

-Where are you taking it anyway?

-Perth.

-Why?

-I don't have a choice.

-What a pain in the arse.

-Well, I wasn't expecting to have a fucking car accident.

-I don't believe in accidents.

-Oh great. I'll tell the car hire company.

-No dickhead. I believe in car accidents.

I just don't believe in... accidents. Is it a...

-Coincidences. -Coincidences!

Coincidences. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't believe in coincidences.

Everything happens for a reason.

Ow! Be careful.

-I can't help it, there are bumps.

-Yeah, well, you don't have to aim for 'em.

-Can we turn this music off for a minute, please?

-You have to have music when you're driving.

-It just does my head in. Please?

I just need a break. Five minutes? Please?

-Thank you.

-It's just like too many things have to happen

to make a thing happen.

You know?

If I'd have done one thing different today,

one tiny thing,

like if I'd have brushed my teeth for longer,

then I wouldn't have been on the road

at that pacific point, would I?

And maybe you would have ran into somebody else

and killed them or ran into a tree and been crashed

in a burning wreck

and I wouldn't have even known or given a shit.

Now I've got this weird Chewbacca guy driving my ute,

and he's probably like a psycho murderer or something.

'Cause you pretty much have to be a psycho

to not want to listen to music when you're driving.

Wouldn't ya?

-It's your turn.

The least you could do is distract me. Come on talk.

-Or music. -OK, OK.

Have you heard of ELO?

-Ear lobe?

-ELO. British fusion band from the 1970s? ELO?

-Oh, it doesn't matter. -No.

- So one of the founding members of ELO was Mike Edwards, right.

-Cellist. -What's a cellist?

-It's a person who plays the cello.

-Right.

-Anyway, one day, Mike Edwards is driving along a road

in Devon in England

and one of those huge hay bales rolls down a hill

and lands on his car.

Kills him instantly.

He didn't even know what hit him.

What are the chances, hey?

Well...

Devon is pretty hilly,

so let's say one in ten of those hay bales

sits on some kind of slope,

and maybe one in a thousand of them

sometimes goes for a little roll.

And let's say, maybe, one in twenty of those slopes

leads to a road where a car goes past any given point

some number of times an hour,

and maybe one in every three or four thousand of the drivers

of those cars is an artist of some repute.

So the chances that one day one of those hay bales

was going to kill a moderately well-known cellist

is reasonably high.

Well... not high, but...

The thing is, when the numbers are big enough,

which they are, one in a million things happen all the time.

Nothing happens for a reason.

Or everything happens for no reason.

One of the those.

-You are so boring.

- How would you rate your pain out of ten, Meg?

- What's ten?

- Ten means it would be unbearable.

- I don't know, two and a half. Two...

-Two?

-Well, nine'd be like your face is on fire or something.

So then seven would be like, I don't know,

having your knee shot off,

and then five would be--

-OK. Are you left-handed?

-No. -Great.

So you can fill this in and your dad can help.

-Yeah.

-Oh, no, I'm not...

- Excuse me.

-I'm not actually. -Yep, come on, Dad.

-Paul. No.

-But I already opened it

-No!

- I'm gonna get going.

- Your piano's on my ute.

-Yeah, I know. But I have to figure out how to get it...

Shit.

- My soul hurts.

-That's your liver, Paul.

-What's your last name?

-Flynn. -Flynn. OK.

-Why?

Whoa. No, no, no, no. No, we're not doing this.

-Yes. Yes we are. -No, we can't... I'm not...

We can't lie on a government form.

-It's not a government form you fucking nerd,

it's just a bloody doctor's thing--

- Meg? -Yeah coming.

-Come on, Dad. -Meg!

We're not doing this!

-You were in an accident that was your fault,

and you left the scene with a minor.

- I didn't do anything wrong. I drove you here

and now I'm going.

I'm actually in a serious hurry.

-I'll tell 'em you're a perve. -What!

-Yeah, I'll tell 'em you're an old perve.

- What!

- Sorry?

-Um... We're just shocked by the acne statistics.

That's...

- It's terrible.

-It's a surprising figure. -Yeah.

-OK. You can wait here.

-Meg...

-You're my dad or you're a fucking pedo! Got it?

-Oh...

- Love you, Dad!

So how can the excess be half the value of the bloody car?

Shit!

Right.

So in your world, the word 'comprehensive'

means literally its own opposite?

When I... when I ticked the box comprehensive,

I was actually saying please give me the insurance

that's not comprehensive.

No, but that... You're lying.

That... that's... No, I'm not abusing you.

I'm just trying to articulate my frustration.

- You'll have to stitch your own head up.

- ...a modicom of respect.

Why do you think you can talk to me like that?

-OK. Alright.

Paul...

enough.

- I built a house once.

- Well, I thought I'd send you a video,

because, I don't know, you might watch it.

Miracles happen.

Oh, do you like my beanie?

Well, Barbara made it and it took her two weeks,

so we're never going to hear the end of it.

Ah... Oh, look, I've the full Peter Garrett--

Are you watching porn in a hospital?

That's so inappropriate.

-What did the doctor say?

-He thinks it's broken.

-All that training.

-The x-ray guy isn't here, so they can't do an x-ray,

so they can't, like, set it.

But they gave me this, so...

-How long?

-His daughter's in 'Wicked'. -What?

-Yeah, x-ray guy's daughter's in Wicked,

which starts at 6 in Dimboola.

So...

you can go.

-OK.

-Don't worry, I told him I did it playing netball.

-Why did you tell them that I'm your dad?

-I don't know, they would have

asked a whole lot of fucking boring questions.

This makes me feel really nice. You want some?

It's kind of like, it still hurts, but you don't care.

-Where's your real dad?

-Um... Pub.

He's having a good day.

-OK.

Sorry about your...

Bye.

-How are you gonna get your piano of my ute?

-I'll figure it out.

-And then what? -I'll figure it out.

-I'm going to Perth, too.

-What?

-No, you're not. -Yeah, I am.

I'm gonna go stay with my mum for a bit.

-Your mum lives in Perth?

Yeah, she works in the mines in Kalgoorlie.

-Kalgoorlie's not Perth.

-Pretty close. -It's 600--

-Anyway, I haven't seen her in ages and she wants to, like,

reconnect or whatever.

-You can't drive to Kalgoorlie!

-Why not?

-'Cause it's 3,000 kilometres across a massive weird desert

and you've got a broken... broken thingy.

-Well, isn't that lucky?

How?

-That the knob jockey that broke it

is also going to Perth and can take me. So...

-Oh! No, no, no, no, no. -Yeah.

-No. You...you... You're a...

-You're a nightmare. -Why?

-I mean, apart from the fact

that you're incredibly fricking annoying,

you just threatened to tell people that I'm...

- A pedo?

- Jesus Christ.

-Nup.

-Nup. OK.

-Nup.

-See ya.

-Whatever! Bye. - Bye bye.

Hi, Jez, had a car, like, a proper car accident.

No I'm not asking for money.

I'm just trying to get back to Perth.

I mean I am, but it would just be a loan for like five days.

No, I'll pay you back--

Or a week. No, Patty.

Two... two weeks.

Seriously.

No, no, I'm totally fine.

That was three years ago, Gemma.

Yep. No, no, no...

The hire car wiped out my bank account, then my car got...

Mm-hm. Well, I don't remember saying it if I did.

OK.

I know I still owe you money, but I just--

No, Steph. It'll be like five days.

Patty!

Fuck.

- Eclipse Mobile wishes to advise

that you have insufficient credit to make the call.

-Fucking, fuck, shit!

-No tens or twenties... fifty or a hundred.

-But I've only got this.

Is there anywhere else that I can get phone credit?

-Shouldn't think so.

For this muesli bar, please.

-Barbara made it

and it took her two weeks,

so we're never going to hear the end of it.

Ah... Oh, look, I'm the full Peter Garrett under here.

But I'm feeling good, though.

Ah... Listen, love...

been talking to the others, Lachy,

and you need to come home.

It's been eight years and enough's enough.

Everyone makes...

- Tobes!

- Whatta you got there?

-It's a coffin.

Na, that's a piano, eh?

Do you play?

-Not if I can help it.

-I used to play the oboe.

Of all the fucking things...

the duck.

-Mate? -Ah. What?

-Um...

Could I have some beers?

-Get your own beer.

-Um... I've got...

A... $16.20?

-You look after your little girl.

Next thing, you know, she'll be 28

and she'll be blaming you for her shit life,

and she'd be right, I 'spose.

Sorry. They're a bit warm.

-Cheers mate.

- Mr Flynn. -Yes.

-Hi. -Hi.

-I've just had a message from the radiologist.

He forgot he was on-call tonight,

so he's kind of gone and gotten drunk at Wicked.

In Dimboola.

-Yeah. -So...

-OK.

-But we have got another one coming from Bendigo,

but she's probably at least a couple of hours away.

-I'm really sorry. -That's great.

I mean, that's terrible.

But good that someone's coming.

Wh... Where are you going?

I have... I'm just keeping an eye on the stuff in my ute.

-Is that a piano. -Yeah, it's a piano.

-Oh, do you play?

-No.

I mean not at night. Not in hospitals.

-Yeah, na. -No...

-Didn't mean here, just meant in general.

-Yeah. -Do you play?

-Yes. No... -No. Good. OK.

-Good night. Thanks.

-Chocky croissant?

-It's still warm. -Thanks.

Ah, yeah.

-What's the diagnosis?

-It's bad.

You're a cock womble.

-Fractured radius.

-Want me to sign it?

-Piss off.

I'm like your your hay bale, eh?

-What?

-You're like that earlobe guy.

And I'm your hay bale.

One in a million, baby!

By the way, you owe me 50 bucks.

Captioned by Ai-Media ai-media.tv