Original subtitles

So, Aristotle was Plato's student

and Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary

because it's just the result of your actions

which are under your control!

For example, right now, you have made the insane choice

to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you

from eternal damnation. - No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening.

Uh, I just...

are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys?

It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?

Plato.

Uh, coming!

Uhm... We're just kissing!

And groping? - What?

Hello!

Tahani, hi!

What brings you here? - You know, I was just, uh...

"in the Neighbourhood."

Do you get it, Eleanor?

Because you know we're all in the same afterlife

so you know I'm always "in the Neighbourhood!"

Do you get it?

I do. And it's delightful.

Anyway, this is for you.

Just a housewarming plant! It's a little reminder that

if there's ever anything that you need, I am right next door.

How could I possibly forget?

Have a great day, Tahani.

Oh. Bye.

Ugh. Tahani.

"Welcome to the Neighbourhood

even though we all arrived here at the same time!

Here's some dirt I put in a bowl, because I'm amazing!"

I thought it was kind of a nice gesture.

Oh, Chidi. It's a total con.

She only does things like this so that we will talk about

how "thoughtful" and "wonderful" she is, but I see through her little act.

Her act of being a nice person who brings you gifts?

Bingo. - Okay, I'll... I'll remind you

that you're trying to learn how to be a good person.

Mm-hmm. - Maybe you should

return the favour - bring her something.

Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends

and treat her with mutual respect? - Yeah.

That's exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi. Wake up!

That... that's what everyone wants everyone to do.

Hello, Chidi!

No frozen yoghurt for you this morning?

Oh, uh... no, just, uh... doing some reading.

Ah, been there, brother.

Workin' hard or hardly workin', am I right?

Hump day.

Uh, sorry.

Janet's functioning as my assistant but she's a little stiff

so I've been trying to get her to be a little more casual and conversational.

I'll have what she's having!

It's a work in progress.

Listen, Chidi.

I've been studying your file - you're a very interesting case.

You essentially only did one thing while you were on Earth

you thought and wrote about ethics.

Yes. I... I spent eighteen years

working on my manuscript... - Right.

...called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not..." - No, no, I...

..."colon - Practical Ethics and Their... - Mm-hmm.

...Application in the Modern World... - Yes. Right.

...semi-colon - a Treatise on the..." - Yes, yes, yes!

That's... that's the one.

But searching for moral truths isn't really relevant anymore.

Because here in the Good Place we actually know all the answers.

I think you should experience new adventures, you know

do things that you haven't done on Earth.

Right? So why don't we meet tomorrow and try out some new hobbies.

Uh, why not?

I'll... I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Not if I see you first.

Where's the beef?

I don't know. - Hump day.

Hello, Eleanor!

Jianyu, darling, look - it's Eleanor from next door!

Is he asleep?

You know, there's really no way to tell.

You know one time I actually thought he was dead.

But then I remembered we're all dead, aren't we?

Such fun. Come in! Come on in!

What brings you to our home, my dear?

Well, I'm simply repaying your kind gift

with a housewarming gift of my own. Fresh pears.

It's a plant, just like your gift, but you can actually eat them

so maybe it's a better gift?

Who's to say? - That's so kind.

However, in, um... Chinese culture, pears are actually a symbol of bad luck.

And I don't want to offend Jianyu, so I'm afraid

I'm going to have to throw these in the garbage.

But do come and sit down!

We haven't even had a chance to discuss all of the mayhem in our neighbourhood yet.

It's so disconcerting.

Yes. What do you think is causing it?

Oh, I'm sure I don't know.

But we must keep our heads up.

In fact, tomorrow I'm actually going door-to-door to make sure

that every single person in this entire neighbourhood

is "keeping calm and carrying on."

'Cause I think that helping others

will make me feel like I truly belong here, you know?

Here's a brainstorm - why don't I go with you?

I mean, I would love to do my part to help the neighbourhood -

not to mention get a little bonding time with you, lady!

Oh, hurrah!

Such fun!

I'm telling you, Tahani's out to get me.

Wha-what are you talking about?

This note was slipped under my door yesterday.

It has to be Tahani.

She just said to me, "I want to feel like I truly belong here."

Well, where have I seen the word "belong" recently?

Oh, yeah - Ka-plow!

Okay, I really don't think she's the type of person who would write this.

She is that kind of person, and she did write it.

She wants everybody to think she's such a perfect princess

just 'cause she's tall, and glamorous, and has cappuccino skin

and curves everywhere, and now I'm complimenting her.

And kind of turned on!

The point is, she straight-up sucks, bro.

Whoa...

Typical Tahani.

Brings us a faulty plant, so she can brag about being a better gardener.

No - I think this is another way in which your negative actions affect this world.

This plant represents your relationship to Tahani

so when you're mean to her, it starts to wilt.

Well, then this plant is doomed, because tomorrow I'm going with her

and I'm gonna prove to you and to everyone that she is secretly a two-faced

calculating, phony bench.

Yeah, truth hurts, doesn't it, plant?

Hello!

Oh! Come on in.

I'll be ready in a jiff.

Jianyu, darling, look - it's Eleanor from next door again!

The one who brought the offensive fruit.

Ah, yes. What an embarrassing blunder on my part.

Oh, no. Don't give it a second thought.

I wouldn't expect anyone else to have my understanding of international etiquette.

Hey, um... any idea why they gave you such a big house?

I mean, if we were in America and... and you had like a big truck

I would think you might be compensating for something.

Yes, well American men can be very silly.

You know I used to do quite a cutting impression

of an ex-boyfriend of mine from the States.

He'd be all like, "Hey, I'm so rich. I have nine houses.

I'm Leonardo DiCaprio."

It's just so silly.

Anyway, I should've guessed that you would want to help our neighbourhood.

We are birds of a feather, you and I.

We make every effort to be our best selves.

Mmm.

Hey, babe. Got you coffee.

Ah, great.

Oh. Andy's Coffee?

Uh, we shouldn't go there. Everybody's boycotting.

Yeah, I know that one guy found a scorpion in his latte.

I don't really care, though, 'cause it's so close to here.

No, no, no, no, it's because he's sexually harassing people.

Look, a journalist went undercover for an interview and recorded him.

Here, watch.

Here's the thing, sweetheart. You are very qualified, but you're also

what we call in the coffee shop game, a "dog-face."

You're a three, and you have to be a nine to work here.

It's just math.

So, I didn't get the job?

No! Dog-face, you didn't get the job.

All right, I'll check your references.

Just to be... - Hey, my breasts!

...nice, I'll check them. Oh! They're good. Honk!

I mean this guy's a monster. We can't support this guy.

Okay, hey, you're not better than me

just 'cause you won't support a guy who grabbed a boob once.

No, I'm just saying we shouldn't go there.

We can get coffee somewhere else.

Did you know your left reference

is a little bit bigger than your right reference?

It's not a bad thing. It's just... it's a thing.

This is the perfect hobby for you, Chidi.

Cartography!

Your neighbourhood stretches way beyond what you've already seen.

And you can map it

revealing all of the mysteries, like an explorer!

I see how that might be fun.

Uh, but exploring makes me nervous.

I have what doctors call "directional insanity."

I once got lost on an escalator.

So, not exactly Christopher Columbus.

Fun fact - Columbus is in the Bad Place

because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide.

The fact that it makes you nervous is exactly why you should do it.

You know, get out of your comfort zone.

Become a trailblazer.

Fun fact - all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team

are also in the Bad Place.

Ah. Yeah.

Sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms

and into "fun facts" and trivia titbits.

I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.

Fun fact - a "wheelhouse" is a part of a boat.

Okay, thank you, Janet. Thank you.

Fun fact - Janet is me.

All right, let's forget about exploring.

Plenty more ideas for hobbies.

Let's walk back to town, shall we?

Okay. Hang on.

Wrong way! - Yep!

So all I want to do is just check in, see how everyone's holding up -

just bring some cheer to these extraordinary people.

Cool.

So tell me about yourself.

I mean, I want to hear it all, girlfriend! The good, the bad, the really bad,

the embarrassing, the humiliating...

just... let's bond!

Okay. Well, I... I was born in Pakistan, raised in London, schooled in Paris.

But I think the primary reason I'm in the Good Place

is that I raised quite a lot of money for non-profit groups.

Oh! Did you ever, uh... skim a little off the top, for yourself?

Gracious, no! No! Every penny was accounted for.

And as I raised nearly sixty billion dollars

that was quite a lot of pennies!

But I also dabbled in some other professions.

I was a model, a museum curator, and "It Girl," and...

oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while.

That was quite fun.

Modelling - that's a crazy life.

Wanna tell me about that rock-bottom you probably hit?

Oh, I didn't really do it for long.

Couture just doesn't fit my body.

I'm cursed with ample bosom.

And yet, you soldier on! - Oh, this is silly.

So, "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic

and Al-Jamil means "beautiful."

So my full name all together means...

"Congratulations, Beautiful."

Thanks, Eleanor! You big flirt.

Extra! Extra!

Read all about you!

Chidi, this is the perfect hobby for you - journalism.

Well, obviously, I... I like to write.

But I don't love deadlines.

I prefer to take my time with things.

Yes, I know.

Uh, you never even named your dog, did you?

When it ran away, you posted signs saying, "Responds to long pauses."

Look, Chidi. I'm just trying to find you a hobby that - the hat -

that will bring you a positive experience.

What do you say?

I'm loving that hat on you.

It would look even better on my floor. - What is happening now?

I suggested she be friendlier.

She seems to have slipped right into overt sexuality.

I got something you can slip into.

Oh... - Janet, no! No, Janet!

Well, Glenn, we just wanted to make sure you were all right.

Tahani! You're too sweet!

Oh. - Isn't she just the nicest person?

Mm-hmm.

That is what a lot of people are saying.

Oh, everyone I know is saying that. - Yeah.

It's just a big neighbourhood full of enormous mansions

and people who love Tahani!

There's also a heck of a lot of yoghurt.

Excellent observation, Glenn.

Eleanor and I just want to see if there's anything we can do to help you?

Oh, Tahani, you are so thoughtful!

Despite all the chaos earlier, we simply couldn't be happier.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Cualli!

Please take a maple butter scone.

I made them fresh this morning!

Ooh, they look a bit burnt.

But they're not.

Hmm. Oh, fork, that's good!

Okay!

Arc welding! You could learn sculpture

you could make furniture

you could get your hands a little greasy, you know, and you make things!

And, by the way, this is an exact replica of Brancusi's workshop in Paris.

This equipment is very scary.

Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you.

Watch. I'll blowtorch your face off. - Janet!

Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.

Oh, brother.

I told her to be less flirty.

Now she's cruel and distant, apparently.

I just can't get this right.

Thank you for trying to find me a new hobby, uh...

but I just want to be an academic.

I want to keep working on my manuscript.

Chidi, here's the thing.

See, I... I read your whole book - all thirty-six hundred pages of it.

It's, um... how shall I put this?

It's a mess, dude.

Hey!

She's right.

You see, Chidi, I can read the entirety of the world's literature in about an hour.

This took me two weeks to get through.

I mean, it's so convoluted!

I just kept reading the same paragraph over and over again

trying to figure out what the heck you were saying.

Oh, no. - I mean, on...

on page one thousand, you start section two with the sentence -

"Of course, the exact opposite might be true."

You're a brilliant guy, Chidi, but you just kept revising, and rewriting

and adding words to your title.

I think you just twisted yourself up into a knot.

I have a very bad stomach ache.

Oh, Jianyu, darling, would you like some tea?

That nod meant "no," apparently.

Well, it was nice to get out and meet all of our wonderful neighbours.

They all truly belong here.

Mmm. Yes, they do, cutie pants!

Boop!

Well! I should really be going. I have to begin

my twelve-step Korean skin care regimen but, uh...

I'll see you... oh, no, no, no.

Please, stay and enjoy the evening tea.

I'll see you soon.

I can't even tell if you've kissed my cheek or the air around it.

Oh. Thank you. That's the goal.

Boop!

"The Diary of Tahani Al-Jamil."

Hey, man!

What's wrong?

Am I a good teacher?

Am I... am I clear, do I make sense?

Yeah, you're a great teacher! I'm super ethical now.

What's that? - Hmm?

Nah... Don't worry about it.

I stole Tahani's diary so I could see if her handwriting matches the note

and also read about all the mean and terrible things she's definitely done

so I can prove she's actually evil.

Huh.

What do you think that means?

It's tough to interpret.

Feels positive though.

You stole Tahani's diary?

I know I broke some ethical rule but I had good reason.

Eleanor. In order to be a good person you have to do good things.

And not stealing people's stuff, that is just a basic kindergarten rule.

I mean, do I also have to tell you to not throw sand?

First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.

Why would you even know that?

Second of all, I know that it may not be "nice"

but neither is pretending to be one hundred percent perfect

like Tahani does.

She wrote that note. - No, she didn't!

You did!

I... I was hoping you would come to this conclusion on your own

but obviously, no one here would ever threaten you.

That note is the Good Place manifesting your own guilt -

like with the plant, or when you literally made giant shrimp fly through the air.

I wrote myself the note!

And as it turns out I do belong here

because I'm just as good as everyone else.

And... and nobody is at fault for anything.

Oh! You, sir, are an excellent teacher.

No, no, no. You don't belong here.

And in this place, everyone is better than you.

It has been proven by an infallible formula.

Tahani might be a little British and condescending at times

but she devoted her entire life to helping other people.

I mean when you were with her today, did she do anything to indicate

that she might be secretly out to get you?

No. Because I was there to thwart her plan.

Or because the only plan was to comfort people.

She's a good person. Accept that.

Hey, babe. Great news. I got us tickets to the Coyotes' game.

Awesome! - But, ooh, yikes.

Turns out two of the players have "DUI"s.

Guess we can't cheer for that team.

Eleanor...

You know what? Instead, let's just stay in, watch a Roman Polanski movie

listen to R. Kelly, and eat Chik-Fil-A.

Does that sound good?

There's bad stuff everywhere, man.

It's impossible to avoid.

Yeah, but... shouldn't we just try?

Shouldn't we just try to do the right thing, whenever we can?

Why? It's so much harder to live like that, and it's not like someone's keeping score.

Look, I know you're gonna break up with me.

Okay? I'm not an idiot.

I read your emails to your dad.

Oh, my God. - Have fun being

so amazing and perfect until you die.

And by the way, I'm talking really fast because I still go to Andy's Coffee

and I got a full punch card, bro!

Good people make me insecure.

When I'm around someone who I think is "better" than me

I try and drag them down to my level.

That's why perfect Tahani is like my kryptonite.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe Tahani

has her own set of insecurities and anxieties?

Never.

That woman has zero problems.

Her biggest flaw is that she makes a weird face

when she sneezes and even that is actually charming

because she looks like a baby deer.

The point is... you were right.

About why I reacted to her the way I did.

Well, maybe even admitting that is an important step.

And also, maybe don't listen to me.

I would love not to listen to you.

Wait, what?

Basically, my life's work is thirty-six hundred pages of garbage.

Even, Michael couldn't understand it.

So? What does Michael know?

Everything.

That's my point - he knows everything, and it was too convoluted even for him.

Michael does not know everything.

Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here.

You wrote four thousand pages

on one of the most complicated subjects in the world!

I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message.

Be proud!

I want to broaden my horizons and try new things and I will.

But even though I might have gotten lost in the weeds

I loved writing this book, and I want to try again.

So...

will you be my advisor? - Chidi

all I want is for you to be happy.

So if spending eternity getting blunt feedback on your circular

rambling ideas will make you happy, then of course I will be your advisor!

Let's throw that monstrosity in the trash and start over!

Aren't there maybe some parts worth salvaging?

Honestly, man, I don't even know. I mean that thing is unreadable.

I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.

Okay.

There you go! New beginnings! Well done.

Oh! Hello, Eleanor.

Hi. Sorry, I was just cleaning up.

You okay?

Do you want to talk about it?

Desperately.

It's Jianyu.

I just can't seem to connect with him.

I know that he took a vow of silence

but he won't even talk to me, his soulmate!

And I adore talking.

I know. You do.

Eleanor, you don't know what it's like to be in paradise

and feel like there's something just not quite right.

Well...

I may not know exactly what you're feeling, but I do understand.

And you deserve to be happy, because...

you are an impressive, thoughtful, and special person.

Not to mention...

you have a rockin' bod.

I mean, Jianyu may be mute, but he's not blind.

You two belong here, and you belong together.

And, you have all of eternity

so there's plenty of time for things to change.

Oh, thank you. I really needed to hear that.

Come here.

Ugh! Of course your hugs are amazing.

Stupid ledge. No stairs.

Hmm!

Everyone here is really into hugging.

Looks like someone learned something.

Well... it's 'cause someone else is a really good teacher.

Eleanor! Hello.

How are you, my dear, sweet "bestie?"

Never better. What's up?

Well, Janet has been acting as my assistant.

It... it's not what she was designed to do. It didn't go "great."

But now I'm back to normal.

It turns out that the best Janet

was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.

She was feeling a little lost

so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.

Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.

Yes. But anyway, um... look

Michael asked me if I would serve as his assistant

but I'd quite like to focus on my relationship with Jianyu.

So, I recommended you for the job.

Eleanor, you and I could work side by side

to figure out what's going wrong with this neighbourhood.

Will you help me?

How could I say no?

Hurrah! Hurrah! - Hurrah!

What now?

Relax, Eleanor. You sent this to yourself.

This is your own guilt, manifesting itself.

I've been waiting for you.

Jianyu? You talk now?

You sent me these threatening notes?

What the fork, man?

Some Buddhist monk you are!

You don't belong here. Admit it.

Okay, you're right. I don't belong here.

Michael made a mistake. But I'm trying, dude.

I'm really trying to be a good person, and I think I'm changing, for the better.

So just please, please don't rat me out.

Don't worry. I won't.

Because I'm not supposed to be here either!

I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on

and I'm freaking out, homey!

You gotta help me! I'm scared!

What?