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I don't know why. I've aIways been big on happy endings.

To me, the most romantic, beautifuI Iove stories. . .

. . .were the ones where two peopIe meet, faII in Iove. . .

. . .then 50, 60 years Iater one of them dies.

A few days after, the other one dies. . .

. . .because they just can't Iive without each other.

Not that that's such a happy ending. You got two dead peopIe.

That's how I thought things wouId be for Katie and me.

Not that we'd be dead, but that we wouId be together forever.

Now, High/Low. Who wants to go first? Erin?

Okay, my high today is that I sat next to Austin Butler at lunch.

-Nice. -He has the three-Iegged dog?

JoeI has the three-Iegged dog. Austin has the snoring turtIe.

And your Iow?

-Camp. -What about camp?

I don't know.

You had such a good time Iast year.

-I know. -What is it?

Are you afraid you'II Iose touch with Austin?

-I don't know. -You can write to each other.

You can put X's and O's on there. Guys Iove that, right?

Can't get enough of it.

Honey, you'II have a great time.

What about you? What was your high today?

Gary EIIis' mom bought a new juicer. . .

. . .and I went to his house and drank a chicken.

And your Iow?

I don't have a Iow.

You gotta have a Iow.

I've been racking my brain. I do not have a Iow.

We'II enter the chicken smoothie in the high and Iow category.

How about you, Mama?

I know. It's your anniversary. What are you guys doing tomorrow?

-I'm taking her to a romantic dinner. . . -Dad's taking me dancing.

. . .and possibIy some dancing.

But you're right. That is our high.

I'd Iove to stick around for your Iow. . .

. . .but Dodgers are pIaying Giants.

Go.

-Can I go too? -Go.

I reaIIy don't care what we do tomorrow night.

Even if we're at different restaurants.

Just as Iong as the kids see us Ieaving together and coming home together.

On our first anniversary, I gave Ben a plastic spoon.

You know, the takeout kind from a Chinese restaurant?

It was the one we had used. . .

. . .when we shared our first bowI of won ton soup in the park.

He was afraid he'd Iost it. . .

. . .and I remember how his face Iit up. . .

. . .when he opened the jeweIry box I had wrapped it in.

I keep asking myseIf:

"When is that moment in a marriage. . .

. . .when a spoon becomes just a spoon?"

When I met Katie, I wrote on a comedy show...

...and she had been hired as a temp.

I don 't know. It's hard to explain. There was an instant connection...

... this simpatico. I felt like she just got me.

And there is no greater feeling in this world than to feel gotten.

The loudest silences are the ones...

...filled with everything that's been said...

...said wrong, said 300 times.

You're not hearing me.

You're so goddamn criticaI!

It's hard with two kids. I don't need a third.

You're perfect, and I've done nothing right in 15 years!

You're not Iistening!

You can't Iet go of anything!

You never Iisten!

You hoId on to everything!

Why shouId you be responsibIe for anything?!

You're criticaI of every fucking thing!

I take care of everything here.

-Fine! -Fine!

-Fine! -Fine!

Until fighting becomes the condition rather than the exception.

And suddenly, it turns into the language of the relationship...

...and your only option is a silent retreat to neutral corners.

-Okay, are you a person? -Yes.

Are you a man?

-That's debatabIe. -DebatabIe?

-Do you have a mustache? -A thick one.

-Aunt Rose. -Right.

Good oId Aunt "5:00 Shadow" Rose.

God, it's aImost 9. We're gonna miss the camp bus.

Now, that is what I caII a mobiIe home.

Can you get around it? It's 5 to 9:00!

-They must change their zip code a Iot. -It happens as we speak.

Look. 91604. 91604.

91605!

-Pass it. -Their maiIman must go crazy.

The kids wiII miss their bus.

Up on the second fIoor! Somebody's about to use the bathroom!

We're in the Iine of fire!

WouId you just pass the goddamn house?!

Look, the house is making a right.

When I was in coIIege, we had to write a term paper.

It was for some phiIosophy course I was taking. . .

. . .on any book we considered. . .

. . .to be the one that best depicted how we viewed the worId.

I remember some peopIe picking books by the great thinkers. . .

. . .Iike Kierkegaard and PIato. Some kids chose the BibIe.

I did my paper on Harold and the Purple Crayon.

It's a smaII book about a IittIe boy. . .

. . .who draws the worId the way he wants it to be. . .

. . .with his magic crayon.

And I just Ioved that book because. . .

. . .it was about everything that I wasn't.

You wanna write crossword puzzIes?

That's a job somebody wants to do?

And you'd get paid to do this?

So you know stuff Iike Ra is the sun god.

And the symboI for radium and the abbreviation for reguIar army.

ShouId I be impressed or terrified?

I find it soothing and reassuring. . .

. . .because you know there are aIways answers.

Yeah, but not to the reaIIy big questions Iike:

"Does God exist?" "What is the meaning of Iife?"

"Why does my pee smeII funny when I eat asparagus?"

Aspartic acid, hence the name.

And this soothes you?

Yes, since you'II never find the answers to the big questions. . .

. . .there's a comfort in finding the answers to the IittIe ones.

When you finish, there's this. . .

. . .wonderfuI sense of cIosure knowing. . .

. . .that that IittIe worId on that haIf-page is compIete.

You Ieft yourseIf wide open.

Come to Papa!

But the problem in a marriage is...

. . .if one person is aIways HaroId, drawing the worId the way they want. . .

. . .the other person has no choice but to draw it the way it is.

Which is why they never wrote a book about HaroId's wife.

-They're Ieaving! -They're not!

Grab your bags!

Wait! Wait!

HoId it!

Two more coming!

-Thank you, Marty. -No probIem.

I Iove you. Have a great time.

-AII right, kid. -Bye, Dad.

-Take your sister's bag. -Have a great time.

Love you.

-I Iove you. -I Iove you.

If you need me for anything, I'II be at the Oceana.

Anything comes up with the kids, give me a caII.

Of course.

Isn't this the moment where one of us says:

"This is ridicuIous. We Iove each other.

AII coupIes go through this. Let's give it another try?"

My ass was on teIevision this morning.

What are you teIIing us?

I'm teIIing you my ass was on TV.

That's right. That was that speciaI.

"The Kennedy Center SaIutes 50 Years of Stan's Ass."

I went to the doctor, he took a tube with a IittIe camera on it. . .

. . .stuck it up my ass and we watched it on a monitor in his office.

-You had a sigmoidoscopy. -ExactIy.

That's different than your ass being on TV.

-How? -First of aII. . .

. . .a network can't canceI your ass.

Point weII taken.

What demographics do you hope to knock down. . .

. . .with that big crack winking at you?

We're in pubIic. Can we eIevate the IeveI of conversation?

-Fine with me. -Good.

I jerked off to your secretary. Do you mind?

-Why shouId I mind? -I don't know.

I wanna forge ahead with a cIear conscience.

Pound away.

You're a good friend.

Larry wanted to have sex Iast night. He even gave me the 30-second massage.

You mean the "I reaIIy care that you had a bad day" back rub. . .

. . .that stops just before you reIax. . .

. . .then quickIy heads south towards the promised Iand?

So did you make Iove?

-I was too tired. -How'd you get out of it?

I pretended to faII asIeep during the massage.

I did that heavy breathing thing.

So he thinks you're in deep REM?

But it backfired, because when I reaIIy feII asIeep. . .

. . .the baby started crying, then Larry pretended he was asIeep.

FooI! If he had just gotten up with the baby, you wouId've. . .

. . .opened the gates and weIcomed the troops home for Christmas.

In a heartbeat.

What's up with you and Charlene?

Oh, we had a great night Iast night.

And you stiII cIaim you're not cheating?

I maintain that with every fiber of my being.

On-Iine sex isn't cheating.

How do you figure?

It's 3 a.m., your wife and kids are sIeeping upstairs. . .

. . .and you're downstairs fucking some bimbo in cyberspace.

First of aII, we're not fucking. We're typing.

Second, and this is me taking umbrage. . .

. . .CharIene is not some bimbo.

She's a stockbroker named RaIph. . .

. . .pretending to be some bimbo named CharIene.

Why piss on something so beautifuI?

What'd I say?

It's not an affair.

Teresa never had sex with him. They just kissed.

-A kiss is an affair. -You think so?

AbsoIuteIy.

Once you estabIish anything truIy intimate with another person. . .

. . .even taIking. . .

. . .it affects the person you're the most intimate with.

But Teresa couId fuck her husband, she just couIdn't kiss him.

I mean, reaIIy kiss him.

It's not so crazy.

Sometimes I'm so angry at Stan, I couId fuck him. . .

. . .but I don't want that cow tongue near me.

A kiss can be so much more intimate than sex.

Why is that?

Because fucking means, "Yeah, I Iove you". But a kiss. . . .

A kiss means, "I Iike you".

That's so right.

I haven't made out, I mean, reaIIy made out with Larry for years.

Doesn't that make you sad?

Not reaIIy.

Why?

I don't know.

Because it's inevitabIe. It's the wear and tear of the job.

The diapers, the tantrums, the homework.

The kingdom, species, your mom, his mom.

SuddenIy, aII you're aware of is the wet toweIs on the fIoor. . .

. . .he hogs the remote and he scratches his back with a fork.

And you come face to face with the truth that it's impossibIe. . .

. . .to kiss a person who Ieaves the new roII of toiIet paper. . .

. . .on top of the empty cardboard roII!

God forbid he takes the two seconds to actuaIIy repIace it!

Does he not see it?!

I'm teIIing you, marriage is the Jack Kevorkian of romance.

Oh, God!

Jesus! Shit!

-He hit me! -I didn't!

I was Ieaving the room, she stood in my way.

-He did it on purpose. -Guys, hoId on!

Ben? What?!

Katie, you won't beIieve what I'm standing in front of.

They're tearing down our oId apartment.

-What? -See?!

Josh, did you hit her?

She started it!

I toId her never to come in my room without asking.

It's heading for Mrs. Gutierrez's.

There goes her window!

You borrowed her Discman without asking?!

Yeah, but she was done with it.

She hasn't used the Discman in two days!

Just hit Jack Roikman's pIace. Remember his patriotic orgasms?

"God bIess America! God bIess America! Land that I Iove!"

Can't you Iet him use yours?

No! He never Iets me use it!

Ben, I can't taIk right now.

This is where you and I started. This is where we became an "us".

Just hit where we used to measure the kid's heights.

Ben, I-- Josh, you shouIdn't have hit your sister. No TV for a week.

You're so unfair!

Wait untiI I teII Dad!

Jesus Christ! I gotta go! Are you okay?

Goddamn it!

Fantasizing isn't cheating?

Oh, pIease! Who is getting hurt?

Yesterday, I met this stunning bIond woman. . .

. . .at the BeverIy Center food court.

She had a IittIe ring in the beIIybutton.

But you know what?

I forgave her because it wasn't in her eyebrow or tongue.

BeautifuI. We start chatting. . .

. . .and we strike up a conversation, waiting for our turkey.

I'm teIIing you, she's smiIing, I'm smiIing. . .

. . .and just that 30-second encounter. . .

. . .wiII do wonders for me when I'm shaking hands with the sheriff.

I know exactIy what you're taIking about.

-Am I wrong? -No, you're right!

The other day, I toId a joke to this intriguing woman. . .

. . .that I met at the cIeaners.

If this were the '30s, she'd be a Communist. . .

. . .or at Ieast a Communist sympathizer.

But the point is, the way she Iaughed at that joke. . .

. . .reminded me of how RacheI used to Iaugh at my jokes.

You gonna foIIow up?

I couId never do that.

I think the Ten Commandments were probabIy a Iot easier to stick to. . .

. . .when you dropped dead at 35.

I mean, we-- They shouId be amended.

A IittIe amendment, Iike the Constitution.

"Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbor's house, wife or ass.

But if you have to covet your neighbor's wife's ass. . .

. . .don't do it in thy neighbor's house."

A simpIe amendment, two-thirds majority, sIide through both Houses.

SeriousIy, name me one guy you know who's never cheated on his wife.

I wasn't cheating!

I waIk into your office, and I hear you teIIing some Sara. . .

. . .intimate detaiIs about our reIationship, about our probIems.

ObviousIy there's something going on between you and her.

Nothing is going on between us! We were just taIking!

About us?! About our Iife?!

We were just taIking!

That's not taIking! That's a reIationship!

Why didn't you teII me about her if there's nothing to hide?

I just needed somebody to taIk to!

BuIIshit! Why didn't you taIk to me?!

Mommy, I need a drink of water!

I'II be right there!

You wanna know why I don't taIk to you?

You treat me Iike I'm a big pain in the ass that gets in the way. . .

. . .of what otherwise wouId be a normaI, organized Iife!

Have you ever thought that everything isn't aIways about you?

Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm deaIing with 5000 things aII day Iong!

Maybe every need you have doesn't have to be met. . .

. . .at the exact moment you need it to be met!

God, we have actuaI kids here, Ben.

I am not a third chiId!

I am not taIking about having each of my needs met!

I'm taIking about a connection!

A Iook! Something that says that we're on the same side here!

Why don't you taIk to your girIfriend?

I'm sure she can heIp us get back on the same side.

To have a happy marriage is to accept the chasm between men and women.

Which is?

He can mend a fight with sex.

She can't have sex untiI the fight's resoIved.

Why is that?

It's the difference between the penis and the vagina.

A penis is a thruster, a battering ram, if you wiII.

Even if it's mad, it can ram. Sometimes it even heIps.

It's the "mad-ram principIe". However, the vagina. . . .

The vagina!

The vagina has to be reIaxed in order to open and receive.

It can't be a gracious hostess in a state of anger.

That goes for bIowjobs and kissing too.

Every femaIe point of entry needs to know that the penis is coming. . .

. . .in peace.

-Do you have Sweet'N Low? -Is EquaI okay?

Whatever.

I've always felt no matter what we were going through...

...no matter how painful things got...

...if our feet found each other under the blankets...

...even just the slightest connection...

...it'd tell us we'd entered the demilitarized zone...

... that we were gonna be okay, that we were still an "us".

There are some hurts that you never compIeteIy get over.

And you think that time wiII diminish their presence. . .

. . .and to a degree it does. . .

. . .but it stiII hurts, because, weII. . .

. . .hurt hurts.

If you lose your room key...

...contact the front desk.

And if you've got valuables, keep them in the hotel safe.

It's complimentary.

For family dining, how about a pizza poolside...

...from our Wolfgang Puck Cafe?

Then it's a quick walk to the Santa Monica Pier and beach.

When the kids are acting up, the waves will set them straight.

The Patriot is proofpositive...

... that missile defense works.

As we've been taught by Saddam Hussein....

Something about how that man says "Saddam" makes me want you even more.

Oh, my God!

-The tooth fairy. -Where?

Josh's tooth. We forgot to put money under his piIIow.

Josh is asIeep. I'm sure this can wait a few minutes.

No, no, baby, we might forget Iater.

Who goes?

Rock, paper, scissors!

Shit!

Mr. President, I'm entrusting you with my soon-to-be-naked wife.

Take care of her, the country.

My Iove to Barbara.

I'II be right back.

I'II be right back!

Everything that's important in the worId is in this bed right now.

I love you.

I love you.

Hi. You've reached the home of Jordan, Jordan, Jordan and Jordan.

Nary a Jordan is present now.

If you wanna leave a message for Katie, Ben, Josh or Erin...

... what better time than....

Hi, it's me.

I'm just caIIing to see how the kids are doing.

See if you got any post cards from them.

Anything comes up, you can give me a call.

Bye-bye.

Listen, I just got your message. I was in the shower when you called.

The kids seem to be doing reaIIy weII.

I just put the post cards in an enveIope.

You should be getting them tomorrow.

Good.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Bye.

Bye.

It's me.

How are you?

I'm good. Yeah, reaIIy good.

Good.

What's up?

What's up?

I was thinking about the upstairs bathroom, and I wanted to remind you. . .

... to schedule that guy to recaulk the tub.

I've aIready done it.

WeII.

Good.

Then. . .

. . .bye.

Bye.

I'm caIIing to see if you remember the name of that tree surgeon we used.

Joey Bishop.

Yeah, but no.

-But it was one of those Rat Pack guys. -Right.

Frank Sinatra?

Dean Martin?

Sammy Davis Jr.?

That's it! Joey Davis Jr.

Joey Davis Jr., the tree surgeon.

I can stiII see the sign on that bIue truck of his.

Right. Okay, thanks.

Bye.

Listen, your shirts came back from the cIeaners.

CooI. I'II come by and get them.

I can drop them off.

It's fine. I'II be happy to come and get them.

What wouId be a good time?

I don't know. . . .

Why don't you come over tomorrow? I'II be home by 7.

You can stay for dinner.

You sure?

No.

See you tomorrow.

You Iook Iike. . .

. . .Iike you.

You too.

I guess I couId stand on the porch aII night. I've seen the house.

How many times have we said, "We shouId use this porch more often?"

Come in. My house is IiteraIIy your house.

Thank you.

-There's my dry cIeaning. -Yeah, I Ieft it out for you.

Good. I'II remember to take it with me.

Because I couId put it in the cIoset, but I--

That is perfect dry cIeaning pIacement.

-You want a drink? -You want something--?

Want some wine?

I think I remember where it is.

-If memory serves, you Iike red wine. -Right.

Yeah, it's aII coming back to me.

Wine is breathing a Iot better than I am.

You'II never beIieve what I did Iast night.

I attempted to do one of your crosswords.

I have a question.

What was 3 down? Just couIdn't get it.

Four Ietters, "FeeIing of psychoIogicaI discomfort."

BIah.

BIah.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Was this aIways here?

No, I bought it Iast week.

Any other new appIiances I shouId know about?

WeII, as Iong as we're spiIIing our guts here. . .

. . .I aIso got this new garIic press.

The body's not even coId, and she's out buying garIic presses.

How do you think the kids are?

From the cards, it sounds Iike they're good.

I think Erin misses us, but she's okay.

Yeah. She seems okay.

You think she's okay?

I think she's okay.

Because I think she senses that we're not okay. . .

. . .and Parents' Weekend is coming.

We'II just have to give her. . .

. . .a Iot of extra attention. . .

. . .and reaIIy Iove her up.

ShouId we eat?

Yeah, I couId eat.

This is reaIIy good.

Thanks.

High/Low?

Sure.

Your high?

HonestIy?

Right now.

And your Iow?

Every minute of the Iast two weeks.

How about you?

My high wouId have to be the Cuisinart, because I wanted it ever so badIy.

And your Iow?

The garIic press. It's not nearIy as handy as I thought it'd be.

I Iay myseIf open, and you mock me with kitchenware.

AII the whiIe making me more attractive to you.

Is that your intention?

I'm not sure.

It's working.

It Iooks Iike I haven't been doing too much reading.

Okay, I'm ready. How about you?

-I. . . . -What?

Come on. Remember what Dr. Tischner said:

"If you had it once, you can aIways get it back."

Was that Dr. Tischner or was that Dr. Hopkins?

The one with the sibiIant "S".

Right.

Wrong. It was a IateraI Iisp.

Sex is simpIy a symboIic expression. . .

. . .of the emotionaI status of a reIationship.

Sustained Iack of sex is symptomatic of disassociation.

No, the one with the IateraI Iisp was Dr. Rifkin.

Dr. Hopkins was the one with the Rorschach birthmark on his forehead.

It Iooked Iike CaIifornia. How couId you pay attention to what he said?

This cycIe of cIoseness, then estrangement. . .

. . .you've both toId me about. . .

. . .what instigates it? First thing that comes to your mind.

-Sacramento. -Governor Gray Davis.

My personaI favorite was the Freudian with the prostate probIem.

When two peopIe go to bed. . .

. . .there are actuaIIy six peopIe in that bed.

If you'II excuse me.

Are we aIIowed to taIk when he's gone?

I don't know.

What do you think?

To be on the safe side, maybe we better not.

The six peopIe in bed are the two of you. . .

. . .and your parents and your parents.

Now, the key is. . . .

WiII you excuse me, pIease?

He charged us for the fuII session.

The man was peeing on our time!

AII that therapy was a waste of time and money.

Where did aII that therapy reaIIy get us?

It got us here, Iaughing about it.

-He's right. -Once it's broken, it can't be fixed.

-I don't know. -The queen has spoken.

-Maybe it's too soon. -What are you taIking about?

The whoIe point of having a fight is pIaying "hide the saIami" afterwards.

Let hard times bring you together. Nobody said it'd be easy.

Can't hard times bring us together? Nobody said it'd be easy.

Like the Andrews Sisters. After "Boogie Woogie BugIe Boy". . .

. . .before "Don't Sit Under the AppIe Tree".

Big career sIump there.

Like the Andrews Sisters before "Don't Sit Under the AppIe Tree".

The Andrews Sisters?

They didn't stop because of a few fIops.

They hung in there. The rest is history.

Don't sit under the apple tree

Why are you bringing up the Andrews Sisters now?

-You're singing! -It's an exampIe.

They're in troubIe, and you're singing?

Dot, put out once in a whiIe. Your face won't be so tight.

SIut.

I don't know what their career sIump has to do with our maritaI probIems.

What shouId we do?

Make matters worse by dweIIing on every IittIe thing aII our Iives?

Is that what you think I do?

-You're a chiId. -I just dweII on everything?

You're a 72-year-oId infant!

There are reaI probIems that we haven't even begun to deaI with.

Don't you think I know that? What happened to you?

What happened to that fun girI with the pith heImet?

You don't think I ask myseIf that every day?

You beat her out of me! There's no room here for her!

You think it's aII fun and games.

So it's my fauIt you hang on to every IittIe thing!

It's my fauIt you can't Iet go of anything!

It's my fauIt you turned into your mother?!

Fuck you!

-I stiII think that there's a chance-- -Ben, you Iove who we were.

You couIdn't possibIy Iove what we've become.

I think I spotted us at dinner tonight.

We can't stay together just because we. . .

. . .get a glimpse of "us" every once in a whiIe.

It was Iess than 15 minutes ago.

AII we proved is, if we're apart for weeks at a time. . .

. . .we might get through a dinner. That's not a marriage.

It's over.

A book about your grandmother?

Yeah. She was an extraordinary woman.

I'm sure she was. Did she fuck a President?

No. Did she discover uranium?

A cure for cancer? Nothing Iike that?

Why wouId anybody wanna read a book about her?

She was 4'9". She emigrated from Europe as a IittIe girI.

She worked in a sweatshop making buttonhoIes 14 hours a day and yet. . .

. . .raised five kids and stayed married to the same man for 57 years.

Dave, this wiII be the greatest Iove story ever toId.

Let me expIain something to you. Not as your agent.

This is as a friend.

Come here.

You see aII these peopIe?

They're getting into buiIdings. They're driving cars.

They're crossing the street. They're waIking around.

Every singIe one of these peopIe. . .

. . .is going to die someday. . .

. . .and they aII know it.

Which is why. . .

. . .they regard the time they have on this pIanet as precious.

There are things that take up that time. . .

. . .even if they don't enjoy it. They have to go to work.

They have to get dressed, wait in Iines. . .

. . .cIean yards, get batteries.

They visit the eye doctor. They're doing aII these things.

Now, add that to the time they spend sIeeping and eating. . .

. . .and washing up and voting. . .

. . .and buying gifts for peopIe they don't Iike, and you see. . .

. . .why they're so choosy about how they spend their Ieisure time.

You can understand why unIess she went down on somebody. . .

. . .reaIIy interesting, they won't waste their vaIuabIe time. . .

. . .reading a book about your fucking grandmother!

So if I read you right, you don't Iike the idea.

It's not that.

You know, I find the Ariana much more fragrant than the RaphaeIa.

I'II keep that in mind.

-How you doing? -Fine.

I never got a chance to thank you for hoIding the camp bus.

Anytime you need a bus heId, I am your guy.

-Erin's teeth are Iooking good. -Thanks to you.

I hope she remembers to wear her retainer.

You know how kids are at camp.

The minute my Kevin gets off that bus, it's "Goodbye, bitepIate".

Is that for you?

When Deirdre and I divorced, I decided to Iearn how to cook.

The Wok-y World of Thai Cooking?

I'm branching out.

I'm taking a Thai cooking course this summer.

ReaIIy? I've aIways been interested in Asian cooking.

ReaIIy?

Why don't you join me?

When I think about it...

. . .over the years there were Iess and Iess moments. . .

. . .in the course of the day. . .

. . .when Ben and I actuaIIy made reaI eye contact.

You are not gonna beIieve what happened.

-What? -He's aImost asIeep.

Maybe it was the stuff of life.

Who 's taking Erin to school?

Who will pick up Josh from his clarinet lessons?

After a while, there was a disturbing comfort...

...in not having to deal with each other...

...because somehow you just get used to the disconnection.

Even at night, when we could finally come together, we faced forward.

Yeah, we were tired, but I think we were afraid...

... that if we faced each other, there'd be nothing there.

We're Iearning Mee Krob next week.

Mee Krob.

I'II Iet you know.

I'II caII you. Oh, you caII me.

When we drove to the camp for Parents' Weekend...

...I was scared to face the kids.

You'd talk about it with a best friend. But Katie had been my best friend.

Now I didn't know what we were, except Josh and Erin's parents.

What?

Nothing.

--is nothing?

This is not going to be easy.

The kids do not need to be burdened with our probIems.

They have haIf a summer Ieft.

Like my pIan was to burden the kids with our probIems.

Jesus Christ, wiII you give me some fucking credit?

I missed you.

I missed you so much.

I missed you both so much.

Dad, puII yourseIf together.

Dad, get off of me!

You guys both Iook terrific. Show us your bunks.

I wanna see your bunks too.

Did you get your favorite room? The Acorn Cabin?

Yeah, we did.

We got the Acorn Cabin.

God, I hate Iying to them.

Me too. We're not even good at it.

Even if we were good at it, they'd stiII know.

What is that?

What's what?

-The thing you just put in your mouth. -It's my bitepIate.

-BitepIate? -Yeah. It's my bitepIate.

-Why do you have a bitepIate? -For my bite.

What's wrong with your bite?

It's askew.

Askew?

Yes, it's askew.

So this wouId be an attempt to de-skew it?

You order room service?

-What's the matter? -Nothing. I'm okay.

Honey, are you okay?

I'm okay. I'm fine.

I couIdn't sIeep, so I snuck out after Iights out.

I just wanted to sIeep with you guys.

It's okay. I'II caII the camp and Iet them know you're here.

Why is the bed made up on the couch?

Daddy was doing a IittIe reading, and I didn't wanna wake Mommy up.

Sometimes you just can't climb out of the abyss.

I thought of last summer, when we still hoped...

... that if we put ourselves in some idyllic setting...

... we'd somehow get rid of all the tension...

...jump-start our marriage...

...and rediscover why we fell in love in the first place.

So last year, after Parents' Weekend...

... we thought maybe in a trattoria in Venice...

...looking at a beautiful sunset, next to a bottle of Chianti...

... we just might find a set of jumper cables.

How you doing? Two ItaIian ices, pIease.

Honey, you don't have to say ItaIian. We're here. They know.

So if I'm in BeIgium, and I order a BeIgian waffIe, I just say waffIe?

Like if you were in IreIand and you wanted Irish stew. . .

. . .you'd just say stew.

If you're in China and you want Chinese food. . .

. . .you say, "Bring on the food."

We couIdn't heIp but overhear your deIightfuI repartee.

We're the Kirbys from CIeveIand. And you are. . .?

-The Mansons. -From Spawn Ranch.

That's a good one.

Look, right there. The red cape.

I Iike that.

It's you. . .

. . .peopIe.

-The Kirbys from CIeveIand. -Joanie and Eddie.

How couId we forget? We haven't stopped taIking about you.

This is fate. We have to get together, break bread.

Sounds great. We're at the HoteI Pasta e FagioIi.

You caII us. We're at the Europa Regina.

Great. We'II caII you.

Oh, right on!

Look at this.

-This is beautifuI. -This way.

-Thank you. -CanaI-side seating.

Very nice.

Oh, my God!

Meant to be!

Kismet! Kismet!

We went Iooking for your hoteI, but we couIdn't find it anywhere.

-Yeah, it's pretty hard to find. -WeII, aII's weII that ends weII.

It was just Iike fate, the first time I met Joanie.

I worked on the 6th fIoor, and Eddie worked on the 4th fIoor.

-Hand to God. -Every day in the cafeteria. . .

-. . .on the third fIoor-- -I saw Joanie at the saIad bar.

And she smiIed at me. Not just a smiIe.

I mean, a reaIIy big smiIe.

One day at the saIad bar at Beefsteak CharIie's. . .

. . .I thought I saw her at that saIad bar.

-But it wasn't me. -It wasn't Joanie!

What are the odds of another person at a saIad bar Iooking Iike Joanie. . .

. . .and yet not being Joanie?

What, Iike a triIIion to one?

CouId be higher than that.

Anyway, when I reaIized it wasn't Joanie, I was so disappointed.

And I began to think about how much I'd hoped that it was Joanie.

But at this point you stiII hadn't met.

No. And I couIdn't get over how much I wanted this person to be Joanie.

And I think that was the defining moment.

I went back to my wife at the tabIe at Beefsteak CharIie's. . .

. . .and I reaIized I feIt more aIive thinking about that stranger. . .

. . .I thought was Joanie than I did with the stranger who was my wife.

We were both in marriages we'd outgrown.

You know, maybe I didn't wanna admit it, but maybe. . .

. . .I didn't Iike myseIf enough to be with someone who Iiked me.

Can you imagine anybody not Iiking Eddie Kirby?

I'm not so perfect.

Beg to differ!

That year we both mustered up enough courage to Ieave our marriages.

So at this point you had met.

StiII hadn't met.

But, you know, after you've had such a horribIe marriage. . .

. . .you don't wanna make the same mistakes twice.

So I made an inner pact with myseIf.

I said, "Eddie, you wiII never Iet anger buiId up to the point. . .

. . .where you don't Iike your partner."

-I made the same pact. -That became our credo.

"Never go to bed angry."

So now we taIk everything through.

We won't Iet even the tiniest pea be under our mattress.

That's why we never eat in bed.

Me too.

Who'd have thought the Kirbys...

... the happiest couple never to have met...

... would be the greatest aphrodisiac known to man?

If only you could bottle that unfettered state of mind...

... that comes with being on foreign soil...

... to just hold on to it...

...even for a day, an evening...

...an hour.

Last year, when we got back from Italy, God knows...

... we gave it a try.

Hey, Iook at this.

WhiIe we were away, we got a message from His HoIiness, the DaIai Lama.

About a softbaII team he's getting started.

You wanna write a Ietter to the kids together, Iet them know we're back?

"Dear Josh. . .

. . .and Erin."

Oh, sure. You get the easy part.

"We're. . .

. . .back."

"From. . .

. . .Europe."

That's not a sentence. It's a preposition and a continent.

I crossed out your period and made a sentence.

See? "We're back from Europe." Your turn.

Thank you.

ExcIamation point. Comma. CIose parentheses.

"But I. . .

. . .don't want to taIk. . .

. . .about grammar."

CoIon. "I want to. . .

. . .make Iove to. . .

. . .your mother."

No, you didn't write that.

What? I do. I want to.

After we finish the Ietter.

No, Iet's make Iove right now. Then we write the Ietter.

Come on, we onIy had a coupIe of sentences to go.

In Europe, you wouId've made Iove first.

-What's that supposed to mean? -Nothing.

-That I'm not spontaneous? -I'm not saying that.

But that's what you impIied.

That in Europe I'd have made Iove, but here--

I don't want us to get to the point. . .

. . .where we can't make Iove unIess there's a concierge downstairs.

I wanted to take three minutes to finish a Ietter to our chiIdren. . .

. . .who I haven't seen--

What's that supposed to mean? That I don't care about our chiIdren?

If I finish the Ietter, I couId be spontaneous.

That's not spontaneous! That's making an appointment!

I was in the mood for unscheduIed affection. . .

. . .but sorry, we're home. I forgot. . .

. . .everything's gotta be on a scheduIe!

You try raising chiIdren where everything's unscheduIed. . .

. . .when everything's spontaneous!

You know what? The kids need a IittIe spontaneity too!

I know that!

I'm sick and tired of being the designated driver of this marriage!

Nobody designated you! It's a roIe you gave yourseIf!

BuIIshit! You gave me that roIe!

Because God forbid Ben shouId ever remember to canceI the newspapers. . .

. . .or put washer fIuid in his car. . .

. . .or participate in discipIining his chiIdren. . .

. . .instead of fIirting on the phone with your girIfriend!

You're not bringing that up again!

You're damn straight I'II bring it up again!

I haven't spoken to her in six months!

Not once have you seen it through my eyes!

We don't have a pea under our mattress. You know what we have?

A fucking watermeIon!

And you never wanna deaI with it!

Oh, fuck it!

Jesus!

WeIcome home.

Bye, Dad.

-Thanks. -I Iove you.

-Bye, Mom. -Buddy.

Love you.

See you guys in a month.

Bye, you guys.

-Bye, Daddy. -CoupIe of weeks.

-Watch your toes. -See you.

Bye, kids.

Do you think we shouId get one Iawyer or two?

One.

Maybe we can at Ieast make this part. . . .

AII I care about is that we make it as easy for the kids as possibIe.

I'm sure you noticed the bathroom has the original tiling from the '20s.

It's nice.

You know, since you're a writer, I know you'd appreciate. . .

. . .that the sister of Bette Davis' chauffeur. . .

. . .once had Thanksgiving in the apartment next door.

ReaIIy?

Are there any other kids in this buiIding?

OodIes! IncIuding, if I might add, the nephew of the actor. . .

. . .who jumped third into the fourth Iifeboat on Titanic.

Rent the fiIm, you'II see. I'II introduce you.

I'm showing it to another famiIy today, but if you're interested. . .

. . .I can hoId it for you, give your wife a Iook-see--

I'm interested.

Who wouIdn't be? Look how the Iight from that window fiIIs the room.

When I showed this apartment. . .

. . .to the man who did the voice of CharIie the Tuna. . .

. . .he said, and I quote, "Wow", unquote.

I think that says it aII.

First, you put oIive oiI. . .

. . .garIic and tofu.

Saute untiI garIic turn Iight brown.

Make sure that your wok have a strong heat underneath it.

Now take an egg and crack it to the hot oiI.

Make sure aII the ingredients are cooked thoroughIy.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Now we add some Pad Thai noodIe.

I saw Deirdre up at Parents' Weekend, but I didn't see you.

I went up the weekend before.

You know, since the divorce. . .

. . .it's a Iot easier for everyone if we come up at separate times.

Kevin and I took a great hike up to that waterfaII.

You and Ben take that hike?

Yeah, it was beautifuI.

Spice it up with some chiIi pepper.

You know, spicy food make a better Iover.

The hotter you eat, the hotter you get.

WeII, the spicier the better for me.

Rice vinegar.

Does Ben Iike Thai food?

You and Ben been to Tommy Tang's?

Ben and I are di--

Separated.

Gee, I had no idea.

We're not reaIIy teIIing peopIe.

I understand.

I'm so sorry. How Iong?

72 hours, four weeks, five years. . .

. . .depending on when you start counting.

I'm reaIIy sorry. I know how hard it can be.

This wiII sound crazy. . .

. . .but I aIways enjoyed Erin and Josh's appointments. . .

. . .because it gave me a chance to get to know you.

But when you caIIed me about your bite. . .

. . .I feIt myseIf Iooking forward to it because I knew we'd be aIone.

And just teII me if it's too soon. . .

. . .but I wondered if maybe you wanted to have dinner sometime?

We are having dinner.

I was thinking of something that didn't invoIve a teacher.

You always hear people say...

... they stayed too long in a bad marriage.

For the longest time, I never thought of my marriage as being bad.

I thought love was something you were allowed to fall in and out of.

You know, peaks and valleys.

But after a while...

... the peaks get lower and further apart.

Then one day you find yourself wondering, "Is this who I really am?

Someone who has taken up permanent residence in the valley?

Or is this just who I am with this person?"

And then, you ask yourself:

"Maybe there is another version of my life, of myself...

... that's a happier one."

BuIIshit.

"YosseI Iooked into Minnie's eyes and feIt. . .

. . .nothing.

For two years they'd been apart.

And now, as she stepped off the boat. . .

. . .he reaIized he was Iooking into the eyes. . .

. . .of a stranger.

A girI he no Ionger knew.

He had become an American.

And she was stiII the poor. . .

. . .unaffectionate. . .

. . .daughter. . .

. . .of a bIind Lithuanian vioIin maker."

It's fear. It was aII about fear. Fear's what kept them together.

This whoIe time I've ideaIized my grandparents' marriage.

But this was not the Iove of the ages.

The two stayed together because they were terrified.

Fear of IoneIiness, fear of faiIure, fear of the unknown.

Sure, fear. That's the main motivator for everything.

That and guiIt are the two emotions that keep a society humming.

You and RacheI stay together because of fear?

-In a word, yes. -You're okay with that?

In three words, yes and no.

See, it's not that simpIe. You're Iooking for cIear-cut answers.

In reaIity, there's nothing cIear-cut. Life is not cIear-cut.

Life is gray.

For instance:

What do you see right here?

-What are you asking me? -I'm asking you, what do you see?

I see your ass.

That's what you think you see. But in reaIity, there is no ass.

What the f--? What are you teIIing me?

There is no ass, just the fatty part at the top of each Ieg. . .

. . .that is butted up against each other.

Hence the word "butt".

See, essentiaIIy. . .

. . .what we're deaIing with here is just a continuation of the Ieg.

Okay, aII right, now you Iost me.

It's aII iIIusions. There is no such thing as an ass.

Just Iike there's no such thing as the perfect marriage, job or chiId.

The whoIe notion of staying together and Iiving happiIy ever after. . .

. . .aII iIIusions.

You're saying you don't beIieve in everIasting Iove?

You're seeing the ass again and not the tops of the Iegs.

Love is just Iust in disguise. And Iust fades.

So you damn weII better be with someone who can stand you.

Katie and I have moved way past being abIe to stand each other.

We've moved right into the hatred part.

I wouIdn't worry about it. Hate fades.

Hate fades?

That's what you're gonna send me out into the worId with?

"Hate fades. Love is Iust. There is no ass."

What a disappointment you've turned out to be.

Just promise me one thing.

PIease promise me that you wiII not say any of this to RacheI.

Are you crazy? This conversation ends here.

When Stan caIIed me, I couIdn't beIieve it.

I knew it was rough for you guys--

We didn't wanna say untiI we knew we weren't getting back together.

Oh, my God.

How are you doing?

I don't know. I thought I'd be devastated.

Maybe it just hasn't hit me.

-You're having an affair. -What are you taIking about?

You're onIy not devastated if you're seeing someone eIse.

I'm not seeing someone eIse.

Are you serious about who you're not seeing?

I don't know. I know he's nothing Iike Ben.

He's responsibIe, pIans ahead, has a Swiss Army knife.

He even wants to cook me dinner.

-He's a sandbag. -A what?

He's just a sandbag against the storm. . .

. . .hoIding off the inevitabIe devastation.

RacheI, you okay?

Honey?

I'm sorry.

I know I'm supposed to be the one hoIding your hand. . .

. . .but I just feeI terribIe.

I mean, the thought of you guys not being together. . . .

You're our best friends.

Fourth of JuIys and Thanksgivings and Christmases.

You guys were our Fred and EtheI Mertz.

We thought you guys were our Fred and EtheI Mertz.

ReaIIy?

I never thought this was going to happen to me and Ben.

I thought we were going to be the ones to go the distance.

But I just couIdn't seem to get him to put down that purpIe crayon.

But that's Ben. That's who you feII in Iove with.

Katie, you are at 80 who you are at 8.

PeopIe don't change!

PeopIe change over time. You've got to expect that.

The onIy way a reIationship works is if peopIe grow and change together.

Mr. and Mrs. Cogen, Mr. Jordan.

Nice to have you tonight. Is Mrs. Jordan not joining us this evening?

No, she's not. Stan, I toId you to make the reservation for three!

-I forgot. -How couId you forget that?

Say it Iouder. The guy in the Iot didn't hear you.

It wasn't that Ioud.

Did you see Sunday's 7 down?

-I missed that one. -Five-Ietter word.

"Wants, requirements".

Rhymes with weeds.

"Needs"?

ExactIy. It was a direct attack on me.

Come on. You're being siIIy.

It was just a cIue in a crossword puzzIe.

I know my wife. She was specificaIIy attacking me.

And for what?

For having needs.

Like having needs is some terribIe thing.

Show me one person that doesn't have needs.

Try this bread dipped in the oIive oiI. It's deIicious.

Stan, give Ben the bread!

Why must you yeII?

-Who yeIIed? -You.

That's not a yeII.

He hears everything as a yeII.

On anyone's yeII-o-meter, that was a yeII.

Was that a yeII? He didn't hear it as a yeII.

His mom was a yeIIer. He stiII hears her.

How couId I hear her? You drown her out.

It's true.

The Iast few years, when Katie opened her mouth. . .

. . .aII I'd hear was her mother.

Dot.

It wasn't easy for Katie to be raised by a woman as compIicated as Dot.

PIease, she wasn't compIicated.

She was an idiot who made everyone eIse's Iife compIicated.

You wouIdn't beIieve the beautifuI psychoIogicaI heirIooms. . .

. . .this snapping turtIe handed down.

Everything's gotta be in a neat IittIe box. . .

. . .with a IittIe bIue bow on it.

PunctuaI.

Ordered.

God forbid anything unexpected shouId happen. . .

. . .any perchances, happenstances. . .

. . .Ieft turns, serendipities!

Nope, no way! Not aIIowed!

Out-of-bounds! FouI baII!

15-yard penaIty! Too much time being spontaneous!

Everything's gotta be connected. Gotta connect the dots.

Maybe that's why they caII her Dot.

You notice that her name wasn't Gay or Joy or Fun!

Try the bread--

You can't even fuck unIess everything's just right!

Like a pIane waiting for takeoff. Windows shut? Check.

Doors Iocked? Check! Heat on? Check!

Have we covered every possibIe, singIe reason. . .

. . .why everything is my fauIt?!

Houston, we got a probIem and her name is Dot!

-Ben, bread. -There are peopIe Iike Katie and Dot. . .

. . .who coIor inside the Iines, and peopIe Iike you. . .

. . .who wander outside. That can be a very endearing quaIity.

That's why Katie feII in Iove with you. Once you have kids--

I am not a third chiId!

Excuse me if my watch has no hands on it.

That's fine. It's just, somebody has to estabIish the routine--

Are you saying it's aII my fauIt?!

It's nobody's fauIt!

When peopIe say it's nobody's fauIt, they don't mean that.

They mean it's your fauIt! The nobody's fauIt things are. . .

. . .hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, acts of God!

But when a marriage faiIs, it's gotta be somebody's fauIt!

And it's not mine!

Take that fucking bread and shove it up the tops of your Iegs!

Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm dealing with 5000 things all day long!

Maybe every need you have doesn't have to be met...

...at the exact moment you need it to be met!

I'm sick and tired of being the designated driver of this marriage!

Nobody designated you! It's a role you gave yourself!

Not once have you seen it through my eyes!

We don 't have a pea under our mattress. You know what we have?

A fucking watermelon!

You okay?

Take me to Katie's.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to know what your high was today.

You shouId've caIIed.

My high was about you.

Tonight I saw myseIf through your eyes.

And I'm sorry.

It might be a nice touch. . .

. . .if you add some roasted peanuts to the sesame--

At some point we shouId discuss how to teII the chiIdren.

How you doing? Come on in.

This is nice.

Thanks.

It's cIose to the park. The kids and I can waIk.

You want something to drink?

I'II take water if you don't have anything eIse.

We have pretty much anything you want.

Beer, Gatorade. . .

. . .fruit juice, iced tea.

Iced tea is fine.

Here you go.

You have a watch.

Come on in.

Sit down here.

I think we shouId. . . .

When we pick the kids up Thursday, we shouId just teII them that night.

We don't have to teII them right away.

Why?

What wiII change between now and Thursday?

Katie, you're seeing someone eIse.

I'm not seeing him.

We're just taIking.

Right.

I won't put up with any more of this buIIshit Iying to the kids.

We take them to Chow Fun's, their favorite restaurant, to teII them.

We can't reaIIy taIk at Chow Fun's.

We'II go to the house and teII them at dinner.

After dinner.

We'II aII sit down and. . . .

Jesus, how do we say this?

We'II just teII them how much we Iove them. . .

. . .how amazing and beautifuI they are. . .

. . .so they don't think that any of this is their fauIt.

That's the important thing.

We'II just say that. . .

. . .Mommy and Daddy. . .

. . .or Mom and Dad. . . .

You think Mom and Dad?

Mommy and Daddy.

We'II say that Mommy and Daddy have grown apart.

I was just thinking about Erin. She'II probabIy say something Iike:

"WeII, there must be something right about you guys. . .

. . .for you to produce such beautifuI and amazing kids."

She might say something Iike that, you know?

We'II just teII her that they were. . .

. . .born in Iove and we'II aIways Iove them. . .

. . .but Mommy and Daddy don't Iove each other anymore.

WeII, wouIdn't it be better if we toId them. . .

. . .we stiII Iove each other, but in a different way?

Fine.

-We shouIdn't say that? -I said it was fine.

WeII, it was kind of a weird "fine".

ShouId I be thriIIed about how we Iove each other in a different way?

-Who is it? -Mr. Jordan, your couch is here.

Where have you guys been? Come on in.

They were supposed to be here first thing this morning.

I'II pick you up at 5:00 on Thursday?

So is there. . .

. . .anything eIse we need to taIk about?

Like what?

Nothing.

Bye.

What happened to you?

What happened to that fun girl with the pith helmet?

You don't think I ask myself that every day?

I'm talking about a connection!

A look! Something that says that we're on the same side here!

Isn't this the moment where one of us says:

"This is ridiculous. We love each other.

All couples go through this. Let's give it another try?"

It was supposed to rain today.

GIad it didn't.

Me too.

Turn here. If you take SepuIveda. . . .

What?

Nothing.

Do you, Katie, take Ben...

. . .to have and to hoId. . .

. . .in sickness and in heaIth. . .

. . .for better or for worse. . .

-. . .tiII death do you part? -I do.

It's a boy. It's a girI.

It's a bunny!

It's a home run!

It's chickenpox.

It's over.

I Iove you.

Damn you!

I Iove you.

Damn it!

I Iove you.

I Iove you. I Iove you. I Iove you.

I hate you!

Fuck me. Fuck me.

Fuck you!

I Iove you.

I'm pregnant.

My goIdfish died.

My hamster died.

My father's dying.

I'm pregnant.

Maybe we shouId separate.

Mom! Dad!

You ready?

What's up? It's good to see you.

How you doing?

What's the matter?

She just missed you, that's aII.

You've both just grown so big.

Look at you guys. I hardIy recognize you. Wait.

Which one is Erin?

Check it out, Dad.

I guess we know what your high is today. "Best AII-Around Camper".

CongratuIations. Look.

I guess this caIIs for a ceIebration! Come on! Riverdance!

I'm the best all-around Riverdancer

Come on. Kind of Iike a IittIe "Latin Lupe Lu" thing.

Go with the big finish!

Come on! What?

-I have to see these kids next summer. -Come on, we're hungry.

Okay. AII right.

Let's go home.

I think we shouId go to Chow Fun's.

Chow Fun's?

We agreed that we couIdn't taIk at Chow Fun's.

I know.

What are you saying?

I'm saying Chow Fun's.

Are you saying Chow Fun's because you can't face teIIing them?

If that's why, don't say Chow Fun's.

That's not why. I'm saying Chow Fun's because we're an "us".

There's a history here. . .

. . .and histories don't happen overnight.

In Mesopotamia or ancient Troy. . .

. . .or somewhere, there are cities buiIt on top of other cities. . .

. . .but I don't wanna buiId another city. I Iike this city.

I know where we keep the Bactine. . .

. . .and what mood you're in by which eyebrow is higher.

You aIways know that I'm quiet in the morning and compensate accordingIy.

That's a dance you perfect over time.

And it's much harder than I thought it wouId be. . .

. . .but there's more good than bad. And you don't just give up!

And it's not for the sake of the chiIdren.

But they're great kids, aren't they?

And we made them! I mean, think about that.

There were no peopIe there, and then there were peopIe.

And then they grew.

I won't be abIe to say to some stranger, "Josh has your hands". . .

. . .or "Remember how Erin threw up at the LincoIn MemoriaI?"

And I'II try to reIax.

Let's face it, anybody wiII have traits that get on your nerves.

Why shouIdn't it be your annoying traits? I'm no day at the beach.

But I do have a good sense of direction, so I can find the beach.

Which is not a criticism of yours. . .

. . .it's just a strength of mine.

God, you're a good friend. And good friends are hard to find.

CharIotte said that in Charlotte's Web.

I Iove the way you read that to Erin.

You take on the voice of WiIbur with such commitment. . .

. . .even when you're bone tired.

That speaks voIumes about character. And uItimateIy. . .

. . .isn't that what it comes down to? What a person's made of?

Because that girI in the pith heImet. . .

. . .is stiII in here.

I didn't even know she existed untiI I met you.

And I'm afraid if you Ieave. . .

. . .I may never see her again.

Even though I said you beat her out of me. Isn't that the paradox?

Haven't we hit the essentiaI paradox? Give and take, push and puII.

The best of times, the worst of times. Dickens said it best.

The Jack Sprat of it. He couId eat no fat. His wife couId eat no Iean.

But that doesn't appIy here, does it? I guess what I'm trying to say is. . .

. . .I'm saying Chow Fun's because. . .

. . .I Iove you.

I Iove you too.

Did you hear that, kids?

Your mom wants to go to Chow Fun's!

Isn't that great? I Iove Chow Fun's!

The egg roIIs are good, but not that good.

The egg roIIs are fantastic!

They're warm, crispy, greasy as aII heII.

-Everything you want in an egg roII! -ExactIy!

High/Low. Erin, you first.

My high for the summer is, Austin wrote me 111 times.

How did you come up with High/Low anyway?

I don 't know. But I've got another game.

I'm thinking of seven words. What are they?

Do I get a hint?

A category?

-Any seven words in EngIish. -That's right.

Fair enough.

"MacArthur Park is meIting in the dark."

"And they Iived happiIy ever after."

That's six words, but you're very cIose.

"And they Iived mostIy happiIy ever after?"

I hope so.

I think so.

Think so?

I do.

I do. . .

. . .too.

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