Original subtitles

-Okay, welcome back to SplatterWeen.

This is back-to-basics night

when it comes to Halloween traditions.

And that's why, Darcy... -Yes.

-...I have created this.

-Ooh! I love it.

-It's the original jack-o'-lantern.

It's supposed to be carved on a turnip, not a pumpkin.

-Very impressive.

-You know, since our second movie is "Jack-O."

-Yeah! -And, by the way, Darcy,

why is our second movie "Jack-O"?

-Because it's amazing! "Jack-O"!

-Because you publicly proclaimed it as being one

of the most underrated Halloween movies ever filmed.

-Yes, I did. It is.

I said "Jack-O"

and "Satan's Little Helper"

were the two most underrated Halloween movies.

-And people believed you.

-Because it's right. -Austin, run that clip.

I want people to see this.

Here's Darcy at this Fangoria event.

-It was for the Boulet brothers.

-For the Boulet Brothers? -Mm-hmm.

-Okay. You were --

Anyway, you were stopped on the red carpet, right?

-Yes. -Show that clip.

-Alright. -Alright, it's Halloweek.

Give us a Halloween movie to watch this week.

I think I know your answer, but maybe I'm wrong.

-You're wrong, because people get that already.

You know what I'm going to recommend?

I'm going to recommend "Jack-O." -Okay.

-Very underrated Linnea Quigley, fun --

Horribly awful, but fun romp.

-Awful but fun is often how I am described.

-Aww! Never.

-Alright, thank you. -Thank You. Aww.

-So, last year, we showed "Satan's Little Helper."

-Yeah, we did!

-And this year, we're showing "Jack-O."

-You are welcome!

-But, Darcy, "Jack-O" is no "Satan's Little Helper," Darcy.

-It has its flaws, but it's a fun Halloween staple,

and I watch it every single year.

-Really? You watch this movie every year?

-Yes, I do. Now, weren't you going to show off your turnip?

-Oh, yeah. Alright. -Yes. Thank you.

The jack-o'-lantern.

And the original title of this movie was

"Jack-O'-Lantern."

The jack-o'-lantern comes from the Irish folktale Stingy Jack.

-Yeah, it does. -Stingy Jack.

Stingy Jack was known all over Ireland as the guy

who never picked up the check.

Very greedy guy.

So, one day, he invited the devil to the pub for a drink.

He wanted to get some free advice,

but when it came time to pay,

Jack convinced the devil to turn himself into a coin.

And then he put the coin in his pocket next to a silver cross

that he had in his pocket, and that trapped the devil.

-How did that trap the devil? -I don't know.

Some kind of Catholic thing in Ireland.

The devil couldn't get out of Jack's pocket.

But, eventually, Jack gets tired of carrying the devil

around in his pocket, and so he says, "I'll let you out,

but only if you don't mess with me."

And so they bicker back and forth,

and, eventually, they strike a deal.

Jack has to turn over his soul to the devil,

but not for a full year.

He gets a one-year get-out-of-hell-free ticket.

And then the second part of the deal

is that the devil won't bother him

for at least 10 years after that.

-This is a really complicated legend.

-Well, it's not a legend, Darcy. -Oh.

-It's complicated because it's not a legend.

This is how it actually happened in Ireland.

-Oh, my bad.

-So, a year later, the devil shows up to claim Jack's soul,

but first, Jack asks the devil to climb a tree

to pick some fruit.

And when the devil does that, Jack carves a cross

into the tree and he traps the devil again.

-What?

-So, eventually, the devil finds his way out of the tree,

but he is really pissed now.

-Okay, so then he makes a jack-o'-lantern.

-No. -Okay.

-Jack dies, but he can't go to heaven

because he was a dick all his life.

-Aww! -And the devil doesn't want

anything to do with him either, so he can't go to hell.

So he's condemned to wander the Earth for all eternity.

And the devil is mocking him.

And so the devil tosses him one of the embers

from the fires of hell, and he says, "Here you go, dude.

Here's your flashlight."

And so Jack puts the ember inside a hollowed-out turnip.

-Is there more?

-Nope.

-That's the whole legend?

-Fairy tales and folk traditions

teach us about the collective unconscious

of entire cultures and civilizations.

-So then what does this teach us?

-Don't you think a carved turnip is way scarier

than a carved pumpkin?

-No. No.

-Even if it's a cursed turnip that's traversing the planet,

endlessly homeless?

-No! It's a turnip.

-In my opinion, a smiling pumpkin looks like

a friendly neighbor in a flannel shirt.

A smiling turnip looks like an angry ghost

in a foggy graveyard.

Look at that.

-Oh, I kind of feel like he looks like

a 90-year-old man with an upset tummy.

-A turnip -- Darcy, a turnip is peasant food.

Starbucks was never going to create a turnip-spiced latte.

-That's true.

-You know, you see somebody carrying a turnip

with a face on it, and you go, "Demonic, weird,

probably a dangerous person."

-Yeah. Just crazy.

-Anyway, we're going with Halloween turnips

tonight because we're doing everything according

to Samhain tradition.

-Okay, let's do it. -Stingy Jack.

Just think how much more scary the Pumpkin Man would be

in this movie if he was changed into the Turnip Man.

-Well, now that you put it that way, I can see it.

-Okay, Darcy. There's actually one more reason

to show "Jack-O", though.

-Besides, it's just awesome?

-Yes. The only reason "Jack-O" exists

is that Phil Donahue wanted to do a show

on scream queens featuring Fred Olen Ray and me.

-"The only reason." -The only reason.

-Okay.

-I'm going to tell you the story later.

Right now, Linnea Quigley is about to meet a pumpkin-headed,

sickle-wielding monster in the Florida suburbs.

Linnea, the numero uno scream queen of the '80s,

still working her magic halfway through the '90s,

plays a sexy babysitter.

-Ooh, that is a stretch for her.

-Yes. Yes, Linnea is killing it as a sexy babysitter

who joins forces with a young boy

to battle a resurrected Pumpkin Man to the death

because a guy with a giant pumpkin on his head

is terrorizing suburban teenagers.

Back in 1915, Jack-O, as they call him,

killed somebody or somebody killed him

or there was a feud in the swamps

or a farmer took revenge on a wizard

or Jack-O killed a farmer or --

-Are you mocking Jack-O? -Maybe Jack-O is the farmer.

I can't really remember what the exact deal is,

but you can figure it out, though,

if you watch very closely in the extended flashback sequence

with three dreams in it...

that's 80 years in the past, starring John Carradine.

And John Carradine makes this movie even more spooky

by doing the role of the wizard six years after he's dead.

So Carradine actually came back from the grave

to make this movie.

Anyway, somehow, Jack-O keeps popping up

into little Ryan Latshaw's dreams

because Ryan is the fifth-generation descendant

of the dead farmer and he's also the 10-year-old son of

the ultra-low-budget director, Steve Latshaw.

-Aww. -So he works for free.

And, actually, Ryan may be the only actor of his generation

to co-star with not one, but two dead people,

because Cameron Mitchell is also in this movie,

along with scream queen Brinke Stevens

and retired scream queen Dawn Wildsmith,

who used to be married

to executive producer Fred Olen Ray.

So this flick is just nepotism heaven.

Anyhow, we got a lot of teen meat on a sharp stick,

so let's look at those "Drive-In" totals

and get started. We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for

Thom Schwiegerath as the cynical rock-throwing

trick-or-treater who says, "She's looking for kids to eat,"

Michael Walsh as the horny teen who says,

"I think I found something old and dead,"

Helen Keeling as the nosy neighbor who says,

"If she were a dog, I'd have her spayed,"

Bill Cross as the ultra-conservative neighbor

who tells trick-or-treaters, "Looking for a handout?

You want something from me, you pay for it,"

Rachel Carter, as the oversexed babe

with the motorcycle-riding boyfriend

for saying, "This is so white bread,"

Catherine Walsh as the creepy brunette

who looks like a witch, for saying,

"I'm the last of the ones who brought you into this world,

now go back to hell,"

and Ryan Latshaw as the little kid targeted

by the resurrected Pumpkinhead demon for screaming,

"Leave my mom and dad alone!"

Two and a half stars. Joe Bob says, check it out.

-Two and a half? No. -I added a half star

since I first reviewed this movie in 1995, so...

-It is amazing.

-I gave the extra half-star strictly

because I value your horror taste.

-Well, thank you.

-And, furthermore, I'm telling you,

I'm going to remain Team Turnip

when it comes to jack-o'-lanterns.

From now on, it's turnips for me.

-Good for you.

-I'm starting a movement

to return the jack-o'-lantern to the turnip family,

where it belongs.

-Yes. We should have both.

-The turnip is a root. It comes up out of the earth.

The pumpkin, on the other hand, is a fruit.

I mean, shouldn't the Halloween symbol come up out of hell?

It should come up out of the ground.

-That is an excellent point.

-Next year, you're going to see hundreds

of turnip jack-o'-lanterns, and we'll be eating turnip pie.

-Oh, well, now you're going too far.

-Next year, there will be a turnip pie

that people say is tastier than a pumpkin pie.

-That is crazy talk, sir.

-Have you tried turnip pie?

-It's not beating pumpkin pie. I know that shit.

-I'm making one.

Sometime.

[Static crackles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Fire crackling]

-Trick-or-treat, Sean. [Laughing]

[Owl hooting]

Mr. Jack will break your back,

cut off your head with a whack, whack, whack.

There's a story behind that old nursery rhyme, Sean.

Would you like to hear it?

[Owl hooting]

The Pumpkin Man will steal your soul,

snap it up, and swallow it whole.

Then, just as quick, before you die,

the Pumpkin Man will steal your eyes.

[Bird calling]

Many years ago, on a night just like this,

the men of Oakmore Crossing caught a murderer.

The killer was a wicked old wizard.

And before he was hung, he put a curse on the town

and told them a monster would come for them --

Jack-O, Mr. Jack, the Pumpkin Man.

That Halloween, Jack-O came back.

A farmer got ready to fight the monster.

It was on this old farm, right where we're sitting.

But before he left, he said goodbye to his son,

a little boy, with the same last name as yours, Sean,

a boy named Kelly.

♪

[Bell ringing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Horse grunts, neighs]

♪

-I told you to keep the boy away from here, Eunice.

-Don't go, Arthur. -I've got to, woman.

-If you can't do it for me, do it for your son.

I can't raise him without a father.

-Are you gonna die, Daddy?

-Not if I can help it, son.

The Bible says, "Know thine enemy."

He's cursed us all.

-I don't need you to remind me.

I watched two sisters die at his hand.

You and your brother hung him.

He's dead. Let his evil rest.

-He sent us a demon from hell.

It's killed the Barlows last night.

The streets of Oakmore will run red with blood

if I can't be done with that thing.

-But "Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord.

-Then let him take his vengeance tonight.

Just before my daddy died,

he told me that the estuary can protect folks against evil.

-Well, what if he was wrong?

♪

-Take care of your mother, boy.

Always do what she tells you.

Always love her.

-Where you goin', Daddy?

-I've got somethin' to do, son.

-Can I come with you?

-No, I've gotta go alone.

But there is somethin' you can do.

Say a prayer for your daddy tonight, you hear me?

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Birds chirping]

-[Thunder rumbles] -[Gasps]

♪

[Thunder crashing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

Pumpkin Man.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Bus brakes squealing]

-Hey, did you hear about that guy

that got flattened by that car?

-No. -Looked kinda like roadkill.

-Can we talk about something else? That's gross.

-Hey, I bet ya that's the head of Mr. Jack,

the Pumpkin Man.

-No, it's not. -Is too.

It's the Pumpkin Man, and he's gonna get you!

♪ Mr. Jack will snap your spine ♪

♪ Cut you in half with a scaly vine ♪

-Cut it out. My dad said there's no Pumpkin Man.

-How do you know he's not lying?

He probably didn't tell you about the witch either.

-What witch?

-Robbie says he saw a witch

walking around the neighborhood this morning.

He's so full of it.

-Oh, yeah? Well, here she comes again.

-Witches have brooms and they don't drive cars.

-They do now.

-She's stopping!

-Follow me!

Now do you believe me? She's looking for kids to eat.

-That's just a lady. -Then what's she looking for?

This is what they used to do to witches.

They threw rocks at 'em, tied 'em up, and burned 'em.

-Robbie, don't!

-I'll get her this time. -Robbie, don't!

You'll get us in trouble. -Ow!

I'll get you, Sean Kelly!

You're a wuss, Sean Kelly!

[Both grunting]

-Uh, Robbie? Robbie!

-[Screams]

-Get off of him. -See you later, Sean.

-Are you okay?

-Yeah.

-Thanks for saving my car.

-He can be mean sometimes.

-My name's Vivian. Are you Sean?

-Sean Kelly.

-Can I give you a ride home, Sean?

-My dad won't let me ride with strangers.

I just live down the street.

-Can I walk with ya?

-Yeah. -I'd like that.

[Birds chirping]

-What happened to your clothes?

-Um, he stopped a boy from vandalizing my car.

They got in a fight.

-Who with?

-Robbie.

Vivian pulled him off me.

-He's a lot bigger than you.

-Sean held his own quite well.

-Looks like you taught him a lesson, Sean.

Go on in and get cleaned up.

And don't tell Mom you got in a fight.

[Chuckling] Moms sometimes overreact to bloody noses

and scabby knees.

-He's a brave little boy.

-Sean's special.

-I'd love to see your spook house.

In fact, I'd really love to help you with it.

-Well, we need all the help we can get.

I'd hate to impose.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

What brings you to our little burg?

-I'm doing some research on a book

for my great-great-grandfather.

Actually, I was hoping to get some perspective from you.

It seems your family was connected to ours

many years ago.

[Car horn honks]

-Hey!

Honey, this is Vivian... -Machen.

-She's doing a history of Oakmore

and she wants to know more about the Kelly family.

And she's offered to help with the spook house.

-Then you're gonna have to stay for dinner.

We can't afford to pay you, but we can at least feed you.

♪

-[Echoing] There's little use in trying to resist me.

[Footsteps crunching]

My will is much stronger than yours.

-Linda, where do you want this stuff?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Daniel?

Come on. We've got the devil's work to do.

♪

♪

[Cross thuds]

Daniel.

Jule? Oh, my god.

♪

♪

-Help. Please, help us. -Help.

-Please help us.

♪

Please help us. Please help us.

-Sean, are you alright?

You look like you saw a ghost.

-I had a scary dream.

-All dreams try to tell us things, even bad ones.

Right now, your father tells me

your favorite television show is on.

Would you like to go watch? -I guess so.

-Sean, baby, honey, are you okay?

-He had a bad dream.

I heard him call out, so I went in his room to check on him.

You're alright now, aren't you, Sean?

-So, what're you guys hungry for?

-I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass

on dinner tonight.

I-I have a prior commitment I completely forgot about.

-Oh, well, maybe we'll see you tomorrow.

-You can count on it.

Bye, Sean.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Insects chirping]

[Can clanks]

-This really sucks.

-What sucks, Brent?

-The old Oakmore Cemetery's supposed to be

right over there.

-I don't see any graves.

-Well, I guess we'll just have to look. Come on.

[Insects chirping]

I saw an old map at the library.

This used to be the Kelly farm.

They had a little burial plot out here somewhere.

And we're gonna find where they buried their dead.

-This is the suburbs.

There aren't any dead people in the suburbs.

-[Chuckles]

-The brain-dead.

-Yeah, they probably moved the bodies

when they built the houses.

-Shannon, can I move your body?

[Can thuds]

That had beer in it.

[Insects chirping]

-Come on, Paul.

Quit screwing around and help us find the graveyard.

-Cool!

Think I found somethin'.

Somethin' old...

and dead.

[Paul screams]

-[Sighs] -Ever do it with a dead guy?

-I wouldn't like it. You'd just lay there.

-You know you want me. Don't fight it.

-[Scoffs]

-Hey, he did find something.

"Daniel Kelly -- died in 1915."

-And there's two more over there.

I wonder what else we'll find.

-Evening, folks.

I'm a night early, but happy Halloween.

[Static crackles]

-So, the girl playing Shannon in the sequence we just watched --

that's Kelly Lacy, and she was waiting tables in New York City

and taking acting class when she was selected to be in this movie

because of a scream-queen competition on

"The Phil Donahue Show."

-Oh, wow! So, are you going to tell us that story?

-I'm going to try to tell that story in the nicest way possible

without insulting anybody.

-Oh, okay. Go for it.

-So, "The Phil Donahue Show" decides they want to do

an episode on scream queens,

and their idea is that they'll have scream-queen auditions

on the show and then send a camera crew to a movie

to film the winning scream queen's performance.

And, so, their research turns up the name Fred Olen Ray

as the director who works with a lot of scream queens.

And that is, of course, a good choice.

-Yes.

-And so they call Fred up and they say,

"We're doing this show.

And do you have any movies coming up

where you need a scream queen?"

And Fred said, "As a matter of fact,

I'm in pre-production on a movie called 'Jack-O'-Lantern.'

It's a Halloween thriller.

And so, yes, I would be happy to participate in your show."

In fact, Fred was lying.

There was no movie called "Jack-O'-Lantern."

He just thought exposure on "The Phil Donahue Show"

would guarantee box office on one of his

ultra-low-budget movies.

So, Fred calls Steve Latshaw in Florida

and he tells him that he needs to make a movie really fast.

And Steve had made a movie called

"Vampire Trailer Park" in 1991 for virtually no money.

And Fred had been moving into the distribution business.

And so he said,

"Can you keep making these low-budget movies in Orlando,

and I'll finance them, if you can deliver at my price?"

And so they made a couple movies together.

They made a movie called "Dark Universe"

with Joe Estevez about an astronaut

who mutates into an alien-type creature and crash-lands

in the Everglades and starts killing people,

and one called "Biohazard: The Alien Force"

with Chris Mitchum.

And they made a lot of money on both of those,

mostly through video sales

and licensing the movies to Showtime, Cinemax, Turner.

So now Fred Olen Ray calls Steve Latshaw up

and he says, "It's November.

I need you to deliver a movie called "Jack-O'-Lantern"

by the spring so we can release it at Halloween.

I'm sending Linnea Quigley down there.

Make sure she gets naked in the movie.

I have some footage to send you.

I have footage of John Carradine.

I have footage of Cameron Mitchell.

I have footage of Brinke Stevens that's never been used.

Try to put all that footage in the movie,

and the monster needs to fit the title,

so it should be pumpkin-headed.

And Steve Latshaw says, "Yeah, I can do that."

And he works with Brad Linaweaver

to take all those elements and just stick them into a script

that they can start shooting right away.

And Brad had written the story for Fred Olen Ray's first movie,

"The Brain Leeches."

And Brian -- Brad was a publisher of

Mondo Cult magazine

and he wrote novels, did radio shows.

He was well-known in the low-budget-horror world.

Alright, so, back to Phil Donahue.

So, a Phil Donahue segment producer,

calls me and says,

"We want to do two segments of this show with you,

explaining how the whole scream-queen phenomenon works.

We want you to be the judge for the scream-queen contest."

I say, "Okay."

So I show up for the taping at "The Phil Donahue Show."

I know something is wrong right away.

Fred Olen Ray is happy to see me,

but everybody associated with "Donahue"

is doing that eyes-averted-handshake thing

where they're trying to get away from me really fast.

And at some point, they tell me, "Oh, Mr. Briggs,

there've been a few changes,

and we'll only need you for one segment,

and that segment will be shared with you and Fred together.

And we don't need you to judge

the scream-queen contest anymore,

because Phil has asked his good friend Barbara Feldon,"

the actress best known as Agent 99 on "Get Smart,"

"to come down to the show today and be the scream-queen judge."

And I said, "Oh, well, I guess Barbara was

a horror actress at some point."

And they said, "Uh, no.

He just thought she would be a better judge."

And, so, the only question I was asked on the show

was -- Phil turned to me.

You know that thing he used to do where he's moving up

through the audience and he's moving the mic around?

So he's in the audience and he turns to me and he says,

"So, these movies are measured according to what is known

as the three B's."

-Did he really?

-Yeah.

He says, "Blood, beasts..."

And I don't remember what I answered,

but he was having trouble saying the word "breasts."

'Cause he only said two of the B's.

And it sounded like he believed there was

some kind of B-movie secret manual

that actually had the three B's in it.

Anyway, so, when this show is over,

I go up to the segment producer

and I say, "What the fuck just happened, man?!"

And he said, "I can't really talk about it."

And then he kind of said, "We'll talk later."

And then he never answered my phone calls.

So I never knew why I got shanghaied by

"The Phil Donahue Show,"

but I do know that Kelly Lacy won the role of Shannon thanks

to the scream-queen expertise of Barbara Feldon.

And I don't -- Anyway, I don't even know

if that story was worth telling.

-Absolutely it was. Yes.

Important thing to remember, though,

is that Phil Donahue made "Jack-O" possible.

-It's true. -That's amazing.

-If Phil didn't want to do a show about scream queens,

there would be no "Jack-O."

-Well, thank you, Phil.

-So, back to the movie, which is --

This movie's already operating

in three dimensions -- historical flashbacks,

the little boy's nightmares, and the real time of Halloween Eve.

So roll it.

They're even doing that double-dream thing,

you know, the dream inside of a dream,

which makes it even more complicated.

-That's because it's art.

Pure art.

-But you know what we need before we go back to the movie?

-More respect for "Jack-O," man.

-It's the 30th anniversary of this movie.

But it's the 40th anniversary of GWAR, and they are going to

play one of their all-time hits, "Gor-Gor"!

-Yeah, I love it! Whoo!

-Blothar... -Yeah!

-...if you can hear me, release the giant dinosaur!

-Fuck yeah!

Whoo!

[Growling]

-What the fuck is that sound?

♪

It's Gor-Gor, people!

♪

-Let him hear it! -[Cheers and applause]

Gor-Gor!

Gor-Gor!

Gor-Gor!

Would you look at that.

Gor-Gor!

Yeah!

♪

I don't know about this.

This is a dangerous animal.

[Siren wails]

Don't look him in the eye.

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

What?

♪ Gor-Gor comes and sirens wail ♪

♪ Mournful drone of babbling fail ♪

♪ Thunderous gnashing firestorm ♪

♪ Flames illuminate his form ♪

♪ Gor-Gor comes, and you must die ♪

♪ Swats F-16s from the sky ♪

♪ Admit you crave the gift he brings you ♪

♪ Fall and worship tyrant king, you ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

No way. Not this.

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

He's a savage beast.

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Sow pestilent hate, it shall obliterate ♪

♪ The shadows of your long-dead brothers ♪

♪ And all the mutilated others ♪

♪ Who died in waves, uniform ♪

♪ To appease your bloodied, hulking form ♪

♪ That broke through layers of molten strata ♪

♪ To make the planet Earth errata ♪

♪

I don't know about this.

♪ Take the chuld in champing jaws ♪

♪ A pulping pile of frothing flaws ♪

♪ This horrid mass shall give us pause ♪

♪ As putrid rot fills gaping maws ♪

♪

♪

♪ Gor-Gor! ♪

What the fuck?!

♪

Hey!

♪ Gor-Gor big! ♪

♪

♪

♪

Bad dog!

♪

♪

♪ Skulls are smashed, and bones are bending ♪

♪ Joints are popping, our claws are rending ♪

♪ Groveling, sniveling, driveling horde ♪

♪ To worship scaly overlord ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Apocalypse becomes creation ♪

♪ Gor-Gor shall erase the nation ♪

♪ Before you jump into his gizzard ♪

♪ Fall and worship tyrant lizard ♪

♪ Gor-Gor comes, and you must die ♪

♪ He swats the stealth down from the sky ♪

♪ Admit you crave the gift he brings you ♪

♪ Fall and worship tyrant king, you ♪

-♪ Gor-Gor! -And now!

My son!

My bastard son!

It's time!

We embrace...

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Bad dog!

Very bad dog.

You're sucking on him!

♪

♪

[Cheers and applause]

Get it out of here.

[Static crackles]

-Did you find

that too terrifying?

I mean,

has your mind ceased to believe

that which

I've shown you to be true?

Let me remind you,

the human mind is

capable of almost anything.

From it springs the

most wonderful of notions

and the darkest of evils.

Welcome to my

asylum of horrors.

Oh, yes,

the doctor is in

[Laughing evilly]

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

♪

[Remote clicks]

-Almost time for bed, Sean Kelly.

-Can I watch "Dr. Cadaver" tomorrow

before I go trick-or-treating?

-We'll see. First, you have to try one of these.

-What are they? -Eyeballs.

-Gross. -Nice, juicy eyeballs.

I picked 'em fresh for you.

-Come on, Dad. What are they really?

-Grapes for our haunted garage.

Come on, let's go check it out.

-You guys are just in time to help me put this stuff away.

Ah, Linda, my dear, Sean and I are going into

the haunted garage.

And then it's straight to bed, right, young man?

-What all this stuff for, Mom? -Supplies for the spook house.

I've got corn syrup and food coloring for blood,

cauliflower for brains, and spaghetti for...

-Intestines.

-Very good! We'll make a ghoul out of you yet.

Did you get ahold of a babysitter, Linda?

-What do I need a babysitter for?

-Your father and I have to watch the garage, Sean,

and collect the money.

I know you're getting too big for a babysitter,

but it's just somebody to keep you company.

-Why do you have to collect money? We've got money.

-But some people don't, sweetheart.

The neighbors will give us money for the spook house,

and then we'll give it to the homeless shelter.

It's important to help people who haven't been

blessed like us.

-We're haunting the homeless. -David!

-Come on, we got work to do.

Uh, who are you calling, Linda?

-Carolyn. I couldn't think of anybody else.

-Carolyn's nice.

-I think she likes me. -[Chuckling]

In your dreams, David.

Now get to work, boys.

♪

-Hey, you guys, come here!

♪

♪

-Cool! A killer old cross.

Shannon, don't say I never gave you anything.

-Leave it alone.

-Afraid of ghosts?

-Maybe they didn't move all the bodies.

Just a little respect for the dead.

-Maybe he's right.

Let's go see what else we can find.

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Can I have a hit of your cigarette?

-No way. -Jim, come on.

Please, just give me a hit of your cigarette.

-No way. -Come on!

-Buy your own.

[Beeping]

[Ringing]

[Dog barking]

Hey, isn't that your sister's phone?

-She'll get it. Don't worry about it.

-You know, I think she's in the shower.

Maybe I should get it for her.

-No, you are not going in the shower with my sister.

[Telephone rings]

-Julie, get the phone!

-[Ringing continues] -Julie, get the phone!

[Ringing continues]

Ugh! Hello?

-Carolyn? Linda Kelly. Everything okay?

-Yeah, my sister's home on break.

College education and I can't even get her

to answer the phone.

[Engine revving]

Um, babysit for Sean tomorrow night?

Linda, um, I've got this Halloween party to go to.

-Carolyn, I was counting on you.

How am I gonna find another sitter this close to Halloween?

[Engine revving]

-I'll, uh, tell you what. The party's not till 10:00.

I'll bring Julie over and show her the ropes,

I'll watch Sean until it's time to go to the party,

and then she can take over.

Oh, you'll like Julie.

She's really reliable, very mature.

[Dog barking]

[Engine revving]

-And now, with tonight's commentary, Dr. Tom Mason.

-I am sick and tired of real Americans

having to apologize for not being homeless,

disabled, or a minority.

[Laughing] Where does this come from?

[Engine humming]

-Oh, pure white trash.

Carolyn Miller moves in across the street,

and our property values plummet.

-She's a divorced woman, Amanda, simple as that.

We're lucky she doesn't have children.

-If she were a dog, I'd have her spayed.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-You finish your prayers? -Yeah.

-Let's get under covers.

♪

-Dad? -Yes, son?

-Are monsters real?

-Well, monsters can be fun, like on the "Dr. Cadaver" show

or at Halloween, but there aren't any real ones.

-What about Mr. Jack?

-Who? -Mr. Jack, the Pumpkin Man.

"Mr. Jack will break your back,

cut off your head with a whack, whack, whack."

-"Pumpkin Man will steal your soul.

He'll snatch it up and swallow it whole."

I haven't heard that in years.

That's just an old rhyme my grandma used to tell me

to keep me from getting into trouble.

-You used to get in trouble?

-Sure did, and we're both gonna be in trouble

if your mom finds out you're not asleep yet.

Close them eyes, boy.

-Okay.

♪

♪

"Then, real quick, before you die,

Mr. Jack will steal your eyes."

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Well, that wasn't too bad.

-Now you have to catch me.

-Don't go there! [Sighs]

♪

♪

Paul, that is not funny!

[Gasps]

-Boo!

-[Chuckles]

♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪

♪

-[Groans]

♪

No.

♪

-[Groans]

♪

♪

[Grunts]

♪

[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Echoing] I am the judge of the hill.

Not everyone is lucky enough to get my special attention.

[Thunder rumbling]

[Rumbling]

[Bell tolling]

-[Laughing]

Hey, stop it.

-[Chuckling] Shut up.

♪

♪

-[Growling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Groans]

-I have found them guilty, and the punishment is death.

-Help me, Sean!

Help me, Sean!

♪

-You must do as I command. Kill them. Kill them!

♪

-What was that noise?

-Brent burped.

-[Sighs]

♪

You guys, can we go now?

-[Gagging]

-[Screams]

-[Screams]

-[Gagging]

-[Gasps]

-[Screaming]

Aah!

♪

♪

♪

[Crying]

♪

♪

-No! -[Thunder crashes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm sorry you find my justice so difficult to accept.

My power is much greater than even I believed.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-Wow!

Darcy, have you seen the new

"Last Drive-In" double-feature Blu-ray?

"Suitable Flesh" and "Mayhem."

Joe Lynch edition of "The Last Drive-In."

-Amazing.

-Several people have purchased...

-Several. -...one of these. Yeah.

-[Laughs]

-We gotta give Steve Latshaw a special award.

-Uh, the director? -Yep.

That is the most outstandingly unmotivated shower scene

in the history of motion pictures.

-Yes. And it was not brief.

-No. She soaps herself up real good.

-Real good. -Steve just decided,

"Okay, Linnea Quigley's in the movie.

Here's how we'll introduce her.

Linnea, jump in the shower.

We're going to give the other characters some dialogue about

how you can't answer the phone because you're in the shower."

-You know, I think she had top billing,

so he was kind of just using her notoriety.

-Her and her body.

-That's what I meant by "notoriety."

-This is also where we see that Cameron Mitchell footage.

Cameron Mitchell is Dr. Cadaver on Sean's

favorite TV show, "Dr. Cadaver's Monster Movie Madness."

And Cameron Mitchell had died the year before

they made this movie,

but Fred Olen Ray had the practice --

If Fred paid an actor for a full day of work

and he didn't use the full day,

he would just write random scenes for future projects

and have the actors say lines to be used later.

So that's how Dr. Cadaver happened

and that's how John Carradine became the wizard.

As you probably noticed, you never see John Carradine's

mouth moving when he's speaking.

-That's just genius.

-And then that's Catherine Walsh as Vivian,

who's somehow related to John Carradine.

Her family, the Machens, are connected to

Sean's family, the Kellys.

I have no idea.

She's in every sequence of the movie,

sort of wandering around the movie.

Is she a witch? Is she a researcher?

Is she a tool for exposition? I don't know.

But she's actually an Irish woman

who had been used Latshaw's earlier movie "Biohazard."

And I don't know what she was doing in Orlando,

since most of her career has been on the stage in Dublin.

But "Jack-O" would be the last collaboration

between Steve Latshaw and Fred Olen Ray,

partly because of the DVD extras.

Fred started ragging on the movie

during the commentary track for the DVD,

criticizing all the directorial decisions that Latshaw made.

So Steve started to get testy.

And he finally got angry and he stormed out of the audio booth

wherever they were doing it,

and Fred locked him out of the recording room.

And then Steve Latshaw was pounding on the door

to get back in, and Fred wouldn't let him back in.

But he continued to do the commentary track by himself.

-Wow. -And then he finally relented

and he let him come back in to finish the commentary.

But they were still edgy. So, it's all on the Blu-ray.

It's probably one of the most hysterically funny

commentary tracks ever recorded.

-Oh, Lord. -Except for, of course --

I'm sure there's a hysterically funny commentary track

on the Joe Lynch edition of

"The Last Drive-In" double feature.

Because, yeah, they searched through all 200 movies

that we've made,

and they decided "Suitable Flesh" and "Mayhem"

were the ones to go on the Blu-ray.

-Of course. -So...

Anyway, Fred Olen Ray does have Florida ties, though.

He used to be in the carnival business.

He would go to Gibsonton, Florida,

which is where the carnies spend the winter,

and he would buy carnival attractions

that were being retired or offered for sale.

And if you were an actress in one of Fred's movies,

he would likely call you up occasionally

and ask if he wanted to work as a bikini-clad snake-woman

at his "Secrets of the Amazon" show,

which he would take around to county fairs.

Anyway, that's Fred -- 30 different pen names,

a lot of horror, a lot of T&A for Showtime and Cinemax.

I think he's directed over 200 movies and produced

at least that many, has his own indie wrestling promotion,

ACW, uses the name "Fabulous" Freddy Valentine

when he does wrestling.

Last I heard, he was doing quickies

for the Great American Family Channel.

They're Hallmark movies, but much lower budget.

I've never even heard of the Great American --

Great American Family. That's a cable channel.

-That's a religious channel.

-Really? That's a religious channel?

-Mm-hmm. Based out of Texas.

-So I guess they don't use the two-minute

Linnea Quigley shower scene when they show "Jack-O"

on the Great American Family Channel.

-Actually, they don't do Halloween at all,

just Valentine's Day, Christmas, and the 4th of July.

-Well, shred my britches.

I'll have to check them out.

Actually, no, I probably won't check them out.

But let's get back to the confusing...

I mean, the always-surprising plot of "Jack-O."

-Nice save. -Roll it!

-Yes.

-Do the churches still do all that anti-Halloween stuff?

-A lot of them do for sure.

They are not cool with paganism and the occult.

-But I know some of those churches --

that's where they have those daytime Halloweens.

-Yeah. Some have things called

harvest festivals or trunk-or-treats.

-Trunk-or-treats? -Yeah.

That's what you were talking about in your rant.

You just didn't know what it was.

It's when they decorate the trunks of the cars,

and the kids go from car to car, collecting all the candy.

-So that their kids don't have to mix with the devil.

-Yes, exactly.

-Well, God bless their precious little souls.

No GWAR for them.

[Laughter] -I guess not.

[Static crackles]

[Engine rumbling, revs]

-Carolyn!

-How's my boyfriend?

Ooh! You look so scary!

The yard looks great.

-Well, I try.

-You're like a little boy about all this scary stuff.

-I guess it keeps me young.

-I like little boys.

-That's a nice bike your friend has there.

-Can I go look at it?

-Look, uh...but don't touch.

-[Moans] -Neat bike.

-You like bikes, kid?

Go ahead, check it out.

-Well, I guess I better go talk to your daddy.

I get to be your babysitter, too.

-Cool.

-So, you ever ridden one of these?

-No, not lately.

-Come on, kid, climb aboard.

[Engine revs]

-Sean. Uh, Sean.

[Engine revving]

-He's alright. Jim's a real safe biker.

[Engine roaring]

-Hi, Carolyn. -Hi!

-And you must be Julie.

What's that noise?

[Engine humming]

Sean! Get off that bike right now!

-Don't worry, Mrs. Kelly. He's safe with Jim.

-David, how could you let this happen?

-I-I said he could look at the damn thing.

I-I didn't say he could ride it.

-[Sighs]

-See you at 7:00, Linda, if that's okay.

[Animal howling]

[Doorbell rings]

-Well, hi, Vivian. Come on in.

-Hi. -Ready for a spooky Halloween?

-Yes.

-What's with the book?

-This old family Bible got me started on my project.

-Oh, I love those old pictures.

[Beeping]

-Sean.

Come here. This might interest you.

-Who's he?

-Just some creepy-lookin' old guy. Why?

-I saw him in my dream.

-His name was Walter Machen.

-You must've seen his picture somewhere before.

Isn't that right, Vivian?

♪

♪

-These are the kind of tales

that drove Edgar Allan Poe

to the brink of madness.

I'd better go easy on

you at first.

I don't wanna scare you off.

I want you to

sit back and observe.

Welcome to my

asylum of horrors.

The doctor is in.

♪

-Our grandparents never talked much about the good old days,

and we weren't allowed to ask.

Were our families close?

-In a way.

Walter Machen was accused of sorcery.

He was linked to the disappearance of

many innocent townsfolk.

81 years ago this night, Arthur and Daniel Kelly

led the mob that lynched Walter Machen.

-That's terrible.

-Before the rope bit into his neck, Walter vowed revenge.

He said the streets of Oakmore Crossing

would run red with the blood of the Kelly clan

or anyone connected with them within one year's time.

According to legend, his prophecy almost came true.

Halloween night, 1915, something came out of the ground

and took Machen's bloody revenge.

-You -- You said "almost"?

-Arthur Kelly stopped the evil thing

Machen raised up from hell.

He stopped its mission of vengeance,

but at the cost of his own life.

Mind you, most of it's just legend.

I'm just trying to separate fact from fiction.

-What about my ancestors?

You said they lynched Walter Machen?

-Oh, that part's true, but don't worry --

time heals all wounds.

-Quiet! I can't hear the movie.

-Blood running red

down my soft skin.

Always the

blood and the terror.

My soul cried out for release,

but for release into a

world of fire and torment.

And I knew that they were

there, clutching, grasping,

tearing at their own flesh

and the flesh of their victims.

And I would soon be...

-David, honey, could you give me a hand, please?

-...left my body,

as the fire...

-Let me know how it ends.

-Can I go trick-or-treating now?

-As soon as Carolyn and Julie get here.

-My flesh

nourishing their twisted souls,

my death bringing life to

the coven.

♪

-[As Dracula] I've come to drink your blood.

-David, how long is she gonna be here?

-[Normal voice] Oh, I don't know.

I guess till we close the haunted house.

-She makes me really uncomfortable.

All this talk about curses and blood in the streets?

-That's just the stuff that sells books.

It's Halloween. Lighten up.

-Linda, can I help you with something?

-Oh, Vivian, uh, no, no, thanks. We're all set.

♪

[Insects chirping]

-They say that there are

only two things in life

that are certain --

death and taxes.

[Laughing] What a load of

liberal crap, I tell you.

Why should I give my

money to the government

when they aren't giving me

any of theirs?

-That's so true. That's what I've always said, Richard.

-[TV audience applauding]

-Why are people so blind?

[Creature growling]

-What's the matter? -Dad says the Watsons are mean.

-Mr. Watson owns a grocery store.

He's gotta have the best candy.

-[Knocking at door]

-[TV audience applauding]

-Oh, little monsters.

-Did you leave the porch light on?

-Must I do everything for you?

-Yes.

-Learn how to play the guitar,

the Glenn Miller

favorites style.

-I'm coming, you little parasites.

-Trick-or-treat. -Trick-or-treat.

-You looking for a handout?

-Yes, sir, we'd like some candy.

-Oh, you want some candy.

Does this look like a candy store?

I make my living selling food.

You want something from me, you pay for it, got it?

Good. Now get outta here.

[Guitar playing on television]

-Man, that guy's creepy, creepier than Dr. Cadaver.

-He's just mean.

-Hey, I got an idea.

No treat, so it's time for a trick.

[Insects chirping]

-[Groans]

-Learn from an expert,

learn from Del Bugercasher.

He's been playing guitar

for over 40 years.

But you'll learn favorites

just the way he learned.

-What was that sound?

-...and you'll love 'em.

♪

-That's it!

[Children laughing]

♪

-Hey! Hey, I know who you are and I saw what you did!

♪

Hey, get outta the yard!

Damn kid!

[Door closes]

-[Click]

-The realm dies.

[Howling]

[Eerie music playing]

The realm dies.

-[As Dracula] We aim to spook.

[Hissing]

♪

♪

♪

[Smoke hissing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

-The graves stood as sentinels

over the charred,

rotting bodies

of those ancient sorcerers.

Yet, to me,

they still lived on.

The voices of the dead coven

called out to me

from the earth.

♪

[Scythe clanging]

[Howling]

[Doorbell rings]

-Sounds like our first batch of trick-or-treaters.

Everybody look spooky!

Let's go get 'em. [Laughing]

The door is stuck again.

Oh, there it is.

Carolyn, Julie. -Hi!

Sorry we're late, but Julie and her boyfriend

just had to fit in a game of pool.

-You're not trick-or-treaters.

-Sure we are.

-[As Dracula] Come with me.

[Insects chirping]

[Normal voice] Carolyn, Julie, you don't mind taking Sean

trick-or-treating for a while, do you?

-No, not at all.

-Good, 'cause Linda and I've gotta open the spook house.

[As Dracula] Come on, Vivian. You're in for a treat.

-[Laughing] You guys help yourself.

It's open season on the fridge.

-Got any beer?

-[Chuckles]

-Okay, Pumpkin Man, are you ready?

-Let me go get my mask.

-Okay, hurry up, 'cause you're burnin' moonlight.

-Oh, this is so white bread.

-I know, but just play along with me, okay?

-Maybe if more children

were taken away from

their unfit parents...

I think it's high time we

try a little hard love.

Not all of us

were born with love

and respect for fine things.

No, we aren't all born

with it, hardly.

You've seen the world

we are in today.

We're hardly born with that.

Some have to learn it

the hard way.

Oh, love all your neighbors,

certainly, love your neighbors,

if they're real Americans.

But if they're bleeding-heart

liberals, huh,

then they don't

deserve to live,

they don't deserve to

breathe the air

that you could be breathing.

Just think of that.

They're stealing your air.

[Static crackles]

-Oh, Richard.

-[Sighs]

The antenna must be down.

-We should get cable.

-Tool of the liberal media, Amanda.

We'll get cable when they pry the antenna

out of my cold, dead hands.

-Shut up!

-[Laughter] -On your knees, hell pigs.

Duck!

[Hubcap clanging]

-Oh, they're back for more.

-I'll make some more toast while you answer the door.

[Door opens]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Damn rug!

♪

-[Zap] -Ooh!

Richard, you have got to get that fixed.

♪

-Where's my hubcap?

♪

Alright, you yellow rat bastards.

I don't care how long it takes me.

I'll find you and I'll make your parents pay.

[Rustling]

A little big for trick-or-treating,

aren't you, bucko?

♪

Get outta my yard or I'll cut your belly open.

[Groans, gasps, hubcap clangs]

Aah!

♪

[Gagging]

♪

♪

[Body thuds]

♪

-Richard?

You gonna be out there all night?

Richard.

Richard.

♪

[Screams]

♪

♪

Gotta get away.

Gotta get away.

-Aah! -[Zapping]

[Screaming]

[Static crackles]

-So, are we supposed to think that Jack-O caused Amanda

to slip on the rug and get fried by the toaster?

Or is that just karma?

-It makes sense.

-She ends up looking a little bit like a charred Cryptkeeper.

But guess who's here to help me analyze

this sequence in the movie?

-GWAR! -GWAR!

-Ugh! -Whoo!

-Wow. -How did you know?

-Oh, I recognized their manicures.

I recognize those fingers.

-Okay, Blothar! -Blothar!

-Blothar, can you introduce everybody for us?

-Yeah. Here we go. -Oh, well...

Yes, I am the berserker Blothar, lead singer of GWAR.

And my associate here --

this is Grodius Maximus, lead guitar.

Uh, who else do we have?

Oh, we've got Beefcake the Mighty back there.

-Yeah, Beefcake! -Alright, Beefcake.

-I think we have -- I don't know.

I can't even see. Oh, there's a miserable slave.

He's barely worth introducing.

And then, of course,

we have Jizmak Da Gusha on the drums right here.

And everybody loves Balsac the Jaws of Death,

the guitar player for GWAR.

Uh, Testiclees. Yes, he's a slave as well.

And Bonesnapper, the cave troll.

-Blothar, you didn't introduce me!

-Oh, well, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Yes. Of course. Lest I forget our slave, Maggot!

-Ha ha! -[Cheers and applause]

-Maggot! -That's a woman.

-Alright. Blothar, I am a fan.

How are things for you on this makeshift

SplatterWeen stage that we put up for you

out on the grounds of the "Walking Dead" studio?

-Well, it's great. I mean, it looks like --

It looks like all of the other places that we play.

-Okay.

-Just a decimated wasteland that's absolutely empty

and devoid of any humanity.

That's how we like it.

-Alright. Well, it's your 40th anniversary.

It's our 200th movie tonight.

And it's Halloween season. -Yeah!

-So I feel like something intergalactic

and nasty is happening here, even as we speak.

What do you think?

-Something's brewing. Ooh! -Alright.

Now, speaking of nasty,

tell me what it is about Richmond, Virginia,

that creates GWAR.

How does GWAR get started in Richmond?

You guys have always been in Richmond, Virginia.

No matter how popular you get, you stay in Richmond, Virginia,

capital of the Confederacy, historically one

of the most conservative cities in the South.

And, yet, you have managed to do shock rock,

keep that punk attitude going without ever getting arrested

or kicked out of town.

How do you do that?

-Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

We have definitely been arrested and kicked out of town.

I mean, GWAR is actually from Antarctica, as you know.

But we have some human thralls who run

things from Richmond, Virginia, yes.

And, you know, Richmond -- it's a cheap town.

It's dirt-cheap.

And back when GWAR got started,

it was also the murder capital of the South.

-Who took the "Murder Capital" title away from you?

-I don't know. Probably Baltimore, wouldn't you think?

-Wasn't that Santa Clara? I thought...

-That's what I was thinking. Right?

"Lost Boys," y'all.

-See, we were thinking Camden, New Jersey,

birthplace of the drive-in, but go ahead.

-No one was thinking that. -Huh?

-No one was thinking that. -No one was thinking that?

-Not one person. -Okay.

Anyway, you guys just put out your 17th album,

which is pretty amazing, because you got the two live albums.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-You got the 15 and then the two live ones.

That's especially amazing for a band

that lost its founder in 2014.

The fans were very grateful when you showed up, Blothar,

and said you were going to keep the music going

and the spirit of Dave Brockie going and --

Excuse me. Oderus Urungus.

Can you keep that spirit going?

And I think you have done that.

-Oh, well, thank you. -Yeah!

-Yes.

-Uh, don't congratulate him too much.

It goes to his head, and then that goes to his stomach,

and then that comes out on the bus,

and everything just smells really, really bad.

So I would just like -- -Alright.

And I know that one of the traditions of GWAR,

depending on what show you're doing,

the audience might get sprayed with

blood, urine, or sperm, right?

Or do you get all three bodily fluids at every show?

-Well, I mean, it's not just sperm.

You know, there's semen involved, right?

It's the seminal fluid.

Yeah, I mean, we'll spew anything on them.

I mean, we've actually -- We've flung feces.

As a matter of fact, when we did get arrested,

there was a photograph of Oderus

in The Charlotte Observer

in Charlotte, North Carolina.

There was a sign right under his face that said,

"He ate feces."

-That was in the newspaper? -Yeah.

-In Charlotte? -Yeah.

-Charlotte -- -But he didn't eat feces.

Lies!

-He just... -Touched it.

-Okay. In my youth, Blothar, I once performed

with a punk band called Stick Men with Ray Guns.

They were the opening act for the Butthole Surfers.

And I'm glad to know --

I'm glad to know that, after all these years,

somebody somewhere is still keeping the punk spirit alive.

-Yeah! -You guys are super-punk,

you are the kings of metal,

and I appreciate everything that you guys do.

-Well, thank you. -And I have a request.

-What's that?

-Please play "Fuck This Place" at the next break.

-You know that we will.

-Hell, yeah! -Fuck this place!

[Laughs] -Alright.

And then Darcy and I are going to come out on the stage

at the end tonight and do the "Drive-In" oath with you.

-Yeah! -Alright!

-Alright, right now, we're going back to "Jack-O."

What do you think of "Jack-O," Blothar?

-You love it. You love it.

-It gives me a headache. -Alright, roll the movie.

-Blothar! -Roll the movie.

You know, when you guys are playing your guitars,

can you even see the guitar when you're playing the guitar?

-I haven't even seen my own penis in 45 years.

-Okay. That's artistry. That's true talent.

-What?!

-You can't see your penis and you can't see your guitar,

and, yet, you deliver these shows.

And did you guys really do a cover version of

"I'm Just Ken" from the "Barbie" movie?

-We did, yeah. It was great.

-Oh, wow. -Yeah, it was fun.

-Blothar was actually trying to hook up with Ryan Gosling.

Be real. Let's be honest. -Yeah, that's true.

-The intention is there. -Yeah, I don't know.

-Never panned out. -I do like Ryan.

-Don't give up.

[Static crackles]

[Engine revs]

-What's Julie doing in the bathroom?

-Girl stuff.

Julie, come on. Sean wants to go trick-or-treating,

and I've got places to go.

[Engine humming]

Julie!

Julie?

[Engine humming]

"Beer run. Bye."

Great.

-[Growls] -[Gasps]

Okay, let's go trick-or-treat.

-Yes!

[Insects chirping]

-Cool. The Watsons put up decorations after all.

-That's not scary.

Maybe they just want kids to come up to the door

so they can yell at 'em.

-Come on. The haunted garage'll be better.

♪

[Door opens]

-Trick-or-treat. [Laughing evilly]

I've been expecting you, Sean.

[Laughing evilly]

Evening, Carolyn.

Happy Halloween.

Sean, didn't you forget to say something?

Trick-or-treat. [Laughing]

-[Engine shuts off] -Don't hold me so tight, baby.

You're cuttin' off my circulation.

-Really? I thought you could handle a little bondage.

-Maybe I can.

You playin' rough, baby?

-Maybe.

-Just remember somethin' -- I bite back.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hey, what're you doin'? What's the matter, baby?

What's the matter? -I think somebody's out there.

I think we should go back to the Kellys'.

-No, come here, come here. -Not right now!

-Come on. What's the matter with you? Geez!

I'm goin' to get beer. Get your own ride back.

[Engine revs]

-Jim!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[As Dracula] Welcome to the Kellys' haunted garage.

Enter if you dare.

-Hi, Mr. Kelly.

-That's Count Kelly, kid.

-This better be good.

-Ah, children of the night.

You are either very brave or very foolish.

Esmarelda, more children.

-Mmm! I love children, especially flame-broiled.

♪

[Insects chirping]

♪

♪

-That's pretty cool.

♪

♪

[Eerie music playing]

♪

-Let's go see the man turned inside out.

-That's gross.

-Feels fake.

-[Growling]

-[Screams]

-[Laughing] I guess we got him good.

-Perhaps it was something else.

-You know, she's right, David.

Maybe those kids wrecked something.

You better go check it out.

-Welcome to realm.

Join us.

-That could've been the Pumpkin Man.

-It wasn't. Now can we please go home?

-No, I want more candy.

-Come join us.

-It's dark and scary in here, mommy.

I can't see a thing.

-That's the whole idea.

-Welcome to the realm.

Join us.

Join...

-The heart's still in the right place.

-David, what are you doing in there?

-I'm feeling my guts.

-[Laughs]

-No damage. Maybe it just scared 'em.

Scared 'em real good. [Laughing]

♪

♪

[Clattering]

Well, I didn't find any body parts.

At least not real ones.

[Fabric ripping, glass shatters]

-Something's been here.

-Yeah, David.

Uh, what a neighborhood full of kids couldn't do

in one night, you managed in two minutes.

Well, I guess I gotta close the spook show.

♪

[Bird calling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Frogs croaking]

♪

-I wanna go home. I think we're lost.

-No, we're not.

The old cemetery's down the road.

That's where the Pumpkin Man lives.

-[Muffled growling]

-I think I heard something.

-It's just somebody trying to scare us.

♪

Is that you, Sean Kelly?

You're still a wuss.

-[Muffled growling]

♪

-[Laughing evilly]

[Both scream]

-[Laughs] -[Engine shuts off]

-What'd you do that for?

-Come on, baby. It ain't Halloween

if you can't scare a few kids once in a while.

[Rustling]

Hey, you still mad at me?

-No, but can we go back to the Kellys' now?

-Just a second. I gotta check my throttle. It's sticking.

[Insects chirping]

-Uh, no. Slow down, Mrs. Stephens.

You're saying Sarah and Robbie

saw dead bodies and a monster all over the neighborhood?

It's Halloween.

No, no, I'm sure it's just...

No, Sean went trick-or-treating.

Okay, I'll check it out. Thanks.

-Is there a problem?

-Hm, some of the neighborhood kids

saw dead bodies and a monster.

I better go track down Sean.

Tell Linda I went to look for him.

♪

-What was that?

-Huh?

-I heard something.

-Give it a rest, Jim.

-No, really.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Chuckles] Nice costume, butthead.

But you're scaring my girlfriend.

Now get the hell outta here.

♪

I said... get the hell outta here.

[Gasps]

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

Oh, my God!

[Whirring]

-What --

-It got Jim! It got -- We've gotta get outta here!

Come on.

Would you get in the car?!

There's something out there!

Would you please just get in the car?!

There's something out there!

Would you just get in the car?!

-Hey, calm down. There's nothing out there.

-[Screams]

-[Gagging]

-Oh, God!

-[Gurgling]

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-You know that cable installer who just got his throat cut?

That's Steve Latshaw, the director.

He would eventually decide

that it's too hard to be making movies in Orlando.

Which is true, oddly enough.

Even though it's the world headquarters

of the theme-park industry,

they were never able to master actual filmmaking in Orlando.

So Latshaw moved to L.A.,

and he made "American Black Beauty,"

"Stan Lee's Lightspeed," "Death Mask,"

"Return of the Killer Shrews."

He also did the movie within the movie

of the immortal "Bikini Drive-in."

And I should also mention the Kelly family in the movie,

mom Linda was played by Madissen K. Krown.

She uses the stage name Rebecca Wicks in the credits.

She was a violinist from Connecticut

who did some off-Broadway theater,

and then moved to the West Coast

and got her master's degree in spiritual psychology

from the University of Santa Monica.

Is that a real place? The University of Santa Monica?

-Probably. [Laughs]

-And she became a life coach.

And the father, David, was played by Gary Doles.

This is his only film role.

He was a saloon singer and a songwriter

and one of the founders of Theatre Downtown in Orlando,

the community theater there.

And, then, of course, I think I mentioned earlier

the lead role, the little kid Sean,

is played by Steve Latshaw's son, Ryan Latshaw,

who was in five movies, all in the '90s,

four of them directed by his dad,

and the other one directed by Fred Olen Ray.

And in later years, Steve would embarrass his son

by showing "Jack-O" to every girl that he dated.

Alright.

Blothar promised me they would sing "Fuck this Place."

-Yeah! -And they're ready to do it.

So let's go to "The Last Drive-In" outdoor stage.

[Cheers and applause]

-That's right!

[Shouts indistinctly]

♪

SawBorg Destructo!

You suck!

Boo!

♪

Kick this motherfucker's ass!

[Crowd cheers]

[Shouts indistinctly]

♪ Out of time ♪

♪ We were banished here for our crimes ♪

♪ Incarcerated on this ball of slime ♪

♪ Primeval wasteland ♪

-I killed a dinosaur!

-♪ We fucked apes ♪

♪ Giving birth to the human race ♪

[Singing indistinctly]

♪

♪ ...fuck this place [Crowd cheering]

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪

-♪ Now you rise ♪

♪ We cut you, beat you, crush you ♪

♪ Still you rise ♪

♪ Our children grow into what we despise ♪

♪ We fucking hate you ♪

-What, you think you're better than me?

-♪ Oderus ♪

♪ You left us stranded on this world of pus ♪

♪ When in death you have forsaken us ♪

♪ Oh, this planet fucking sucks ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-♪ I'll bring you pleasure ♪

♪ I'll bring you pain ♪

♪ I'll bring you truth like a bullet to your brain ♪

-♪ Fuck this place! -♪ And there she lies ♪

♪ Her corpse you kissed ♪

♪ Your bitch is dead, still you scream "Resist" ♪

-♪ Fuck this place! -♪ Oh, liberty ♪

♪ What did they do? ♪

♪ They ripped your dress, and what a mess ♪

♪ They took a shit on you -♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-♪ They watch us rise ♪

♪ You made us fall ♪

♪ Stupid humans put an end to it all ♪

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪

Bonesnapper...

finish him!

♪

Grodius Maximus on the lead guitar.

Hey!

♪

What the fuck?

♪

You suck! Out!

Oh!

♪

[Crowd cheers]

Boo!

♪

♪ Now we're back ♪

♪ With fury in our hearts we attack back ♪

♪ We're coming at you like a maniac ♪

♪ We're not done yet, man ♪

-#BlotharRuinedGWAR.

-♪ Final call ♪

♪ Our rage cannot be dulled by alcohol ♪

♪ As for you, I care bugger all ♪

♪ I hope you all rot ♪

♪ So we say... ♪

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Oh, yeah! Fuck this place!

We're gonna need your help, people!

Sing it with me!

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Come on! -♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Everybody! -♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Now you! -♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Keep it going! -♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Oh, yeah! -♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-♪ Ohhhhh! ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Listen!

[Cheers and applause continue]

Listen!

-And with that as our inspiration

for the rest of the evening,

let's go back to "Jack-O."

-Yeah. -Roll it.

[Laughs]

-You know that actress who became a life coach in L.A.

'cause she went to spiritual school in Santa Monica?

-In Santa Monica.

-[Chuckles] -Yeah. I pay attention.

[Laughter]

-Um, did you ever have a life coach?

-I feel like you know that I do.

Her name is Vera.

She's my -- She's my ChatGPT. [Laughter]

-You have a life coach on Chat--

-You do not. -You know I do.

I talk to her all the time.

She's very smart.

She's very helpful, and she gets my vibe, man.

She's Vera the Video Vixen.

-You have a fucking A.I. friend? -Yes.

And I love her. She's a great life coach.

Tell me what to do, Vera. -And you love her?

-Yes, I love -- I'm gonna marry Vera. -Damn, Darcy.

This is very L.A. of you.

This is one of the most L.A. things --

Actually, no. -Is it?

-It's very Silicon Valley of you.

This is -- Yeah.

I want Blothar to be my life coach.

-Oh, yeah. I'll take that one.

[Laughter]

[Static hissing]

[Dog whining]

-What's the matter, Roscoe?

See the boogeyman?

[Laughing]

[Grass rustling]

David.

You nearly scared me to death.

-Couldn't find you out front.

Some of the neighborhood kids said they saw

monsters and dead bodies out here.

I'm trying to find Sean. Have you seen him?

-He was here with Carolyn early this evening.

I scared the hell out of them!

[Laughing]

-They say where they were going?

-It's Halloween, David.

I figure they're out looking for candy.

[Laughing]

-Thanks.

-Trick-or-treat!

-What you got in there?

[Insects chirping]

Where are you, Julie?

-What?

-Oh nothing, Sean.

Um, what'd you get at the last house?

-Just juice.

-Well, you'll need that to wash down all that candy.

[Juice box thuds]

Oh, come on!

[Low growling]

[Knocking at door]

-There's no sign of Sean.

-Someone's been in his room. Look.

Where have you been?

I've been looking all over for you.

-I've been out looking for Sean.

Didn't Vivian tell you?

[Eerie music plays]

♪

-It's getting late, and I don't see any other kids.

-We waited too long.

-Well, let's start back. It's a long walk.

-I know a shortcut through the park.

-Oh.

♪

[Screams]

[Both grunting]

Run!

Sean, run!

[Dramatic music plays]

Run, Sean! Run!

Get away from him!

Get out of here!

[Scythe whooshes]

[Smacks]

[Eerie music plays]

♪

-[Panting]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Eerie notes play]

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

[Groans]

♪

♪

[Groans]

♪

-You know what's going on here. Now, what the hell is happening?

-Walter Machen cursed your family and mine

when he raised his demon.

Your ancestor, Arthur Kelly, thought he killed the monster,

but he was wrong.

-You know, I've had enough

of your fairy tales and spooky stories.

Where is our son?

-He's out there, drawing the monster to him.

I let Sean be a decoy.

It's the only way to find the monster,

flush it out, and destroy it.

-Linda, this is pointless. She's insane!

-Why do you think I'm here?

I'm hunting this demon.

A family prophecy says

that only the fifth male descendant after Arthur Kelly

can destroy this creature.

That would be your son.

-Sean.

-I knew the demon would rise again

and seek out the fifth son after Arthur.

It has to kill Sean before Sean kills it.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

-[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Breathing heavily]

[Grunting]

♪

-Maybe I ought to check the neighborhood again.

There's a few houses I might have missed.

-David, call the police.

-The police can't help you.

They're powerless against the demon.

-Vivian, shut the hell up!

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-Help! Help!

[Banging noise] -That was Sean!

[Dramatic music plays]

[Doorknob rattles]

-Let me in!

[Knocking on door]

Pumpkin Man's coming!

Let me in!

-Hon, the damn door's stuck again!

-Don't let him get me!

♪

[Gasps]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-O, my God! Where's Sean?

-There's no sign of him!

How could he disappear?!

-No!

[Insects chirping]

No!

-It's not blood. -Where is our son?

-You're wasting your time, Linda.

She doesn't give a damn about anybody,

certainly not Sean.

-You're wrong, David.

I'll help you find Sean.

But you're going to need to do exactly what I tell you.

[Crying] -Let's go.

[Thunder rumbling]

[Eerie music plays]

♪

That's Jim's bike.

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

-Poor Mr. Jack.

You can't be saved.

-Vivian, please!

-No, no. Let her finish.

-Stuck you in...

a shallow grave.

I know where they're going.

♪

[Static hissing]

-Oh, my God.

Why haven't they killed Vivian yet?

You know, "I'm using your 10-year-old son as a decoy

to get rid of a demon."

[Light laughter]

Why don't you give him at least a weapon first

before you do that?

Darcy, what do you think of Sean, the boy actor?

Be honest.

-Oh, he's -- he's great.

[Laughs] -God!

He's the director son. What do you want me to say?

Good job, kid. -[Groans]

-I also want to mention Tom Ferda as Jim --

the now headless Jim. [Laughter]

Tom was a sportswriter.

He worked for The Daily News

in New York,

The Detroit Free Press.

He was employed by the Atlanta Hawks for a while.

Then he became a professional firefighter and a paramedic,

and then he went into film production.

Rachel Carter, as the very sexual Julie,

would do a lot of short films, theater, commercials.

This was her first feature film role.

She was right out of the University of Central Florida.

But she would star later in a movie called "Pitchfork,"

in 2016. -Ooh! Sounds good.

-Okay. It's time to bury Sean alive.

And watch how happy he is to be buried alive.

[Laughter]

Back to the somewhat supposed to be thrilling conclusion

of "Jack-O."

-Joe Bob Briggs! -Roll it.

-"Jack-O" respect. God!

-What are we gonna do next Halloween, Darcy?

We have run out of obscure,

overlooked favorite movies of yours.

-Oh, no, we have not.

Trust. -That's what I was afraid of.

We're doing turnip Halloween, though.

-Cool.

-You're gonna love carving these turnips.

[Laughter] -Let's do it.

[Static hissing]

[Insects chirping]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

-These are ash.

-Get the hammer.

♪

♪

[Bell tolling]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Please no!

♪

♪

-Let's go.

[Dramatic music plays]

-No!

♪

[Scythe clanking]

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Bell tolling]

♪

♪

♪

-You know me, don't you?

♪

I am the last of the ones who brought you into this world.

Now go...

back to hell.

♪

-Whoa. Where did she go?!

-Over here!

♪

-[Groans]

[Eerie music plays]

♪

[Groaning]

♪

[Gurgling]

[Groans]

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

[Rumbling]

[Hissing]

♪

-Oh!

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

-Give us the boy back!

-Aah!

♪

[Gasping]

♪

[Grunts]

-[Groaning]

♪

[Spits]

Leave my mom and dad alone!

-[Sobbing]

♪

♪

♪

-David!

[Groaning]

-Come get me, Pumpkin Man!

-[Grunts]

[Flesh ripping]

-[Growling]

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

[Rumbling]

[Flames whooshing]

[Insects chirping]

[Rooster crowing]

-It's almost dawn.

Let's go home.

-I have something to do first.

[Birds chirping]

[Soft music plays]

-Where you going, Daddy?

-I've got something to do, son.

-Can I come with you?

-No. I've got to go alone.

But there is something

you can do.

Say a prayer

for your daddy tonight.

[Echoing] You hear me?

♪

♪

-[Groaning]

-Carolyn?!

Carolyn!

-Oh.

Oh!

Julie.

Julie, where's Jim?

-Um...

that thing got him --

the one the kids call the Pumpkin Man.

-Sean. -Sean?

-Oh, my God. We've got to find Sean, Julie.

Come on.

Sean?!

Sean?!

[Soft music plays]

♪

♪

[Laughs]

-Do I have to go trick-or-treating next year?

-Not if you don't want to, honey.

♪

♪

-Let's go get some breakfast. I'm buying.

-I guess I need a sugar fix.

I'd like...

a big slice of pie,

with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side.

-What kind of pie, Carolyn?

-Mm...

anything but pumpkin.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static hissing]

-So there you have it --

a happy ending for Sean and his family,

but not for Vivian,

who was annoying everybody anyway.

And of course "Jack-O"

was the final performance of John Carradine,

although he had no idea he was even in the movie.

Released October 10, 1995,

did okay business on video -- not great.

Most of the interiors were shot in Apopka, Florida,

suburban Orlando,

in the home of Steve Latshaw, the director.

And most of the exteriors in the woods

were filmed in Geneva, Florida,

on the estate of James Best,

better known as Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane

of "Dukes of Hazzard" fame.

-Nice. -And now, Darcy,

we have got just one more thing to do.

You and I are headed for the GWAR stage,

because one thing GWAR knows how to do

is finish a show,

sometimes by blowing up the entire town

where they're playing. -[Laughs]

-So let's go see what they have in mind for this show.

-Are you sure this is safe?

-Oh, I'm sure this is not safe.

This is GWAR.

-Let's do it.

[Cheers and applause]

-Raise your right hand and repeat after me!

We are drive-in mutants.

-We are drive-in mutants!

-We are not like other people!

-We are not like other people!

-We are sick!

-We are sick!

-[Growling]

[Crowd cheering]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in exists on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

[Cheers and applause]

-Made in Georgia.