All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.2018.S35E02.Jack-O.1995.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-poets_track3_[eng]

-Okay,
welcome back to SplatterWeen.

This is back-to-basics night

when it comes
to Halloween traditions.

And that's why, Darcy...
-Yes.

-...I have created this.

-Ooh! I love it.

-It's the original
jack-o'-lantern.

It's supposed to be carved
on a turnip, not a pumpkin.

-Very impressive.

-You know, since
our second movie is "Jack-O."

-Yeah!
-And, by the way, Darcy,

why is our second movie
"Jack-O"?

-Because it's amazing!
"Jack-O"!

-Because you publicly
proclaimed it as being one

of the most underrated
Halloween movies ever filmed.

-Yes, I did. It is.

I said "Jack-O"

were the two most underrated
Halloween movies.

-And people believed you.

-Because it's right.
-Austin, run that clip.

I want people to see this.

Here's Darcy
at this Fangoria event.

-It was for
the Boulet brothers.

-For the Boulet Brothers?
-Mm-hmm.

-Okay. You were --

Anyway, you were stopped
on the red carpet, right?

-Yes.
-Show that clip.

-Alright.
-Alright, it's Halloweek.

Give us a Halloween movie
to watch this week.

I think I know your answer,
but maybe I'm wrong.

-You're wrong,
because people get that already.

You know what
I'm going to recommend?

I'm going to recommend "Jack-O."
-Okay.

-Very underrated
Linnea Quigley, fun --

Horribly awful, but fun romp.

-Awful but fun is often
how I am described.

-Aww! Never.

-Alright, thank you.
-Thank You. Aww.

-So, last year, we showed
"Satan's Little Helper."

-Yeah, we did!

-And this year,
we're showing "Jack-O."

-You are welcome!

-But, Darcy, "Jack-O" is no
"Satan's Little Helper," Darcy.

-It has its flaws,
but it's a fun Halloween staple,

and I watch it
every single year.

-Really?
You watch this movie every year?

-Yes, I do. Now, weren't you
going to show off your turnip?

-Oh, yeah. Alright.
-Yes. Thank you.

The jack-o'-lantern.

And the original title
of this movie was

"Jack-O'-Lantern."

The jack-o'-lantern comes from
the Irish folktale Stingy Jack.

-Yeah, it does.
-Stingy Jack.

Stingy Jack was known
all over Ireland as the guy

who never picked up the check.

Very greedy guy.

So, one day, he invited the
devil to the pub for a drink.

He wanted to get
some free advice,

but when it came time to pay,

Jack convinced the devil
to turn himself into a coin.

And then he put the coin in his
pocket next to a silver cross

that he had in his pocket,
and that trapped the devil.

-How did that trap the devil?
-I don't know.

Some kind of Catholic thing
in Ireland.

The devil couldn't
get out of Jack's pocket.

But, eventually, Jack gets
tired of carrying the devil

around in his pocket, and so he
says, "I'll let you out,

but only
if you don't mess with me."

And so they bicker back
and forth,

and, eventually,
they strike a deal.

Jack has to turn over
his soul to the devil,

but not for a full year.

He gets a one-year
get-out-of-hell-free ticket.

And then the second part
of the deal

is that the devil
won't bother him

for at least 10 years
after that.

-This is a
really complicated legend.

-Well, it's not a legend, Darcy.
-Oh.

-It's complicated
because it's not a legend.

This is how it actually
happened in Ireland.

-Oh, my bad.

-So, a year later, the devil
shows up to claim Jack's soul,

but first, Jack asks
the devil to climb a tree

to pick some fruit.

And when the devil does that,
Jack carves a cross

into the tree
and he traps the devil again.

-What?

-So, eventually, the devil
finds his way out of the tree,

but he is really pissed now.

-Okay, so then he makes
a jack-o'-lantern.

-No.
-Okay.

-Jack dies,
but he can't go to heaven

because he was a dick
all his life.

-Aww!
-And the devil doesn't want

anything to do with him either,
so he can't go to hell.

So he's condemned to wander
the Earth for all eternity.

And the devil is mocking him.

And so the devil tosses him
one of the embers

from the fires of hell, and he
says, "Here you go, dude.

Here's your flashlight."

And so Jack puts the ember
inside a hollowed-out turnip.

-Is there more?

-Nope.

-That's the whole legend?

-Fairy tales
and folk traditions

teach us about
the collective unconscious

of entire cultures and
civilizations.

-So then what does
this teach us?

-Don't you think
a carved turnip is way scarier

than a carved pumpkin?

-No. No.

-Even if it's a cursed turnip
that's traversing the planet,

endlessly homeless?

-No! It's a turnip.

-In my opinion,
a smiling pumpkin looks like

a friendly neighbor
in a flannel shirt.

A smiling turnip looks like
an angry ghost

in a foggy graveyard.

Look at that.

-Oh, I kind of feel
like he looks like

a 90-year-old man
with an upset tummy.

-A turnip -- Darcy,
a turnip is peasant food.

Starbucks was never going
to create a turnip-spiced latte.

-That's true.

-You know, you see
somebody carrying a turnip

with a face on it, and you go,
"Demonic, weird,

probably a dangerous person."

-Yeah. Just crazy.

-Anyway, we're going with
Halloween turnips

tonight because we're doing
everything according

to Samhain tradition.

-Okay, let's do it.
-Stingy Jack.

Just think how much more scary
the Pumpkin Man would be

in this movie if he
was changed into the Turnip Man.

-Well, now that you put
it that way, I can see it.

-Okay, Darcy.
There's actually one more reason

to show "Jack-O", though.

-Besides, it's just awesome?

-Yes. The only reason
"Jack-O" exists

is that Phil Donahue
wanted to do a show

on scream queens featuring
Fred Olen Ray and me.

-"The only reason."
-The only reason.

-Okay.

-I'm going to tell
you the story later.

Right now, Linnea Quigley is
about to meet a pumpkin-headed,

sickle-wielding monster
in the Florida suburbs.

Linnea, the numero uno
scream queen of the '80s,

still working her magic
halfway through the '90s,

plays a sexy babysitter.

-Ooh, that is a stretch for her.

-Yes. Yes, Linnea is killing it
as a sexy babysitter

who joins forces
with a young boy

to battle a resurrected
Pumpkin Man to the death

because a guy
with a giant pumpkin on his head

is terrorizing
suburban teenagers.

Back in 1915, Jack-O,
as they call him,

killed somebody
or somebody killed him

or there was a feud
in the swamps

or a farmer took revenge on
a wizard

or Jack-O killed a farmer or --

-Are you mocking Jack-O?
-Maybe Jack-O is the farmer.

I can't really remember
what the exact deal is,

but you can figure it out,
though,

if you watch very closely in
the extended flashback sequence

with three dreams in it...

that's 80 years in the past,
starring John Carradine.

And John Carradine makes this
movie even more spooky

by doing the role of the wizard
six years after he's dead.

So Carradine actually came back
from the grave

to make this movie.

Anyway, somehow,
Jack-O keeps popping up

into little Ryan Latshaw's
dreams

because Ryan is the
fifth-generation descendant

of the dead farmer and he's also
the 10-year-old son of

the ultra-low-budget director,
Steve Latshaw.

-Aww.
-So he works for free.

And, actually, Ryan may be
the only actor of his generation

to co-star with not one,
but two dead people,

because Cameron Mitchell is
also in this movie,

along with
scream queen Brinke Stevens

and retired scream queen
Dawn Wildsmith,

who used to be married

to executive producer
Fred Olen Ray.

So this flick is just
nepotism heaven.

Anyhow, we got a lot
of teen meat on a sharp stick,

so let's look at those
"Drive-In" totals

and get started.
We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award
nominations for

Thom Schwiegerath
as the cynical rock-throwing

trick-or-treater who says,
"She's looking for kids to eat,"

Michael Walsh
as the horny teen who says,

"I think I found
something old and dead,"

Helen Keeling
as the nosy neighbor who says,

"If she were a dog,
I'd have her spayed,"

Bill Cross as
the ultra-conservative neighbor

who tells trick-or-treaters,
"Looking for a handout?

You want something from me,
you pay for it,"

Rachel Carter,
as the oversexed babe

with the motorcycle-riding
boyfriend

for saying,
"This is so white bread,"

Catherine Walsh
as the creepy brunette

who looks like a witch,
for saying,

"I'm the last of the ones
who brought you into this world,

now go back to hell,"

and Ryan Latshaw as
the little kid targeted

by the resurrected
Pumpkinhead demon for screaming,

"Leave my mom and dad alone!"

Two and a half stars.
Joe Bob says, check it out.

-Two and a half? No.
-I added a half star

since I first reviewed
this movie in 1995, so...

-It is amazing.

-I gave the extra half-star
strictly

because I value your
horror taste.

-Well, thank you.

-And, furthermore,
I'm telling you,

I'm going to remain Team Turnip

when it comes
to jack-o'-lanterns.

From now on,
it's turnips for me.

-Good for you.

-I'm starting a movement

to return the jack-o'-lantern
to the turnip family,

where it belongs.

-Yes. We should have both.

-The turnip is a root.
It comes up out of the earth.

The pumpkin, on the other hand,
is a fruit.

I mean, shouldn't the Halloween
symbol come up out of hell?

It should come up
out of the ground.

-That is an excellent point.

-Next year,
you're going to see hundreds

of turnip jack-o'-lanterns,
and we'll be eating turnip pie.

-Oh, well,
now you're going too far.

-Next year,
there will be a turnip pie

that people say is tastier
than a pumpkin pie.

-That is crazy talk, sir.

-Have you tried turnip pie?

-It's not beating pumpkin pie.
I know that shit.

-I'm making one.

Sometime.

[Static crackles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Fire crackling]

-Trick-or-treat, Sean.
[Laughing]

[Owl hooting]

Mr. Jack will break your back,

cut off your head
with a whack, whack, whack.

There's a story behind that
old nursery rhyme, Sean.

Would you like to hear it?

[Owl hooting]

The Pumpkin Man
will steal your soul,

snap it up,
and swallow it whole.

Then, just as quick,
before you die,

the Pumpkin Man
will steal your eyes.

[Bird calling]

Many years ago,
on a night just like this,

the men of Oakmore Crossing
caught a murderer.

The killer was
a wicked old wizard.

And before he was hung,
he put a curse on the town

and told them a monster
would come for them --

Jack-O, Mr. Jack,
the Pumpkin Man.

That Halloween,
Jack-O came back.

A farmer got ready to fight
the monster.

It was on this old farm,
right where we're sitting.

But before he left,
he said goodbye to his son,

a little boy, with the same
last name as yours, Sean,

a boy named Kelly.

♪

[Bell ringing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Horse grunts, neighs]

♪

-I told you to keep the boy
away from here, Eunice.

-Don't go, Arthur.
-I've got to, woman.

-If you can't do it for me,
do it for your son.

I can't raise him
without a father.

-Are you gonna die, Daddy?

-Not if I can help it, son.

The Bible says,
"Know thine enemy."

He's cursed us all.

-I don't need you to remind me.

I watched two sisters
die at his hand.

You and your brother hung him.

He's dead.
Let his evil rest.

-He sent us a demon from hell.

It's killed the Barlows
last night.

The streets of Oakmore
will run red with blood

if I can't be done
with that thing.

-But "Vengeance is mine,"
sayeth the
Lord.

-Then let him take
his vengeance tonight.

Just before my daddy died,

he told me that the estuary
can protect folks against evil.

-Well, what if he was wrong?

♪

-Take care of your mother, boy.

Always do what she tells you.

Always love her.

-Where you goin', Daddy?

-I've got somethin' to do, son.

-Can I come with you?

-No, I've gotta go alone.

But there is somethin'
you can do.

Say a prayer for your
daddy tonight, you hear me?

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Birds chirping]

-[Thunder rumbles]
-[Gasps]

♪

[Thunder crashing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

Pumpkin Man.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Bus brakes squealing]

-Hey,
did you hear about that guy

that got flattened by that car?

-No.
-Looked kinda like roadkill.

-Can we talk about
something else? That's gross.

-Hey, I bet ya that's
the head of Mr. Jack,

the Pumpkin Man.

-No, it's not.
-Is too.

It's the Pumpkin Man,
and he's gonna get you!

♪ Mr. Jack
will snap your spine ♪

♪ Cut you in half
with a scaly vine ♪

-Cut it out. My dad said
there's no Pumpkin Man.

-How do you know he's not lying?

He probably didn't tell
you about the witch either.

-What witch?

-Robbie says he saw a witch

walking around the neighborhood
this morning.

He's so full of it.

-Oh, yeah?
Well, here she comes again.

-Witches have brooms
and they don't drive cars.

-They do now.

-She's stopping!

-Follow me!

Now do you believe me?
She's looking for kids to eat.

-That's just a lady.
-Then what's she looking for?

This is what
they used to do to witches.

They threw rocks at 'em,
tied 'em up, and burned 'em.

-Robbie, don't!

-I'll get her this time.
-Robbie, don't!

You'll get us in trouble.
-Ow!

I'll get you, Sean Kelly!

You're a wuss, Sean Kelly!

[Both grunting]

-Uh, Robbie?
Robbie!

-[Screams]

-Get off of him.
-See you later, Sean.

-Are you okay?

-Yeah.

-Thanks for saving my car.

-He can be mean sometimes.

-My name's Vivian.
Are you Sean?

-Sean Kelly.

-Can I give you
a ride home, Sean?

-My dad won't let me
ride with strangers.

I just live down the street.

-Can I walk with ya?

-Yeah.
-I'd like that.

[Birds chirping]

-What happened to your clothes?

-Um, he stopped a boy
from vandalizing my car.

They got in a fight.

-Who with?

-Robbie.

Vivian pulled him off me.

-He's a lot bigger than you.

-Sean held his own quite well.

-Looks like you taught
him a lesson, Sean.

Go on in
and get cleaned up.

And don't tell Mom
you got in a fight.

[Chuckling] Moms sometimes
overreact to bloody noses

and scabby knees.

-He's a brave little boy.

-Sean's special.

-I'd love to see
your spook house.

In fact, I'd really love
to help you with it.

-Well, we need all the help
we can get.

I'd hate to impose.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

What brings you to
our little burg?

-I'm doing some research
on a book

for my great-great-grandfather.

Actually, I was hoping to get
some perspective from you.

It seems your family was
connected to ours

many years ago.

[Car horn honks]

-Hey!

Honey, this is Vivian...
-Machen.

-She's doing a history of
Oakmore

and she wants to know more
about the Kelly family.

And she's offered to
help with the spook house.

-Then you're gonna
have to stay for dinner.

We can't afford to pay you,
but we can at least feed you.

♪

-[Echoing] There's little
use in trying to resist me.

[Footsteps crunching]

My will is
much stronger than yours.

-Linda,
where do you want this stuff?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Daniel?

Come on. We've got
the devil's work to do.

♪

♪

[Cross thuds]

Daniel.

Jule? Oh, my god.

♪

♪

-Help. Please, help us.
-Help.

-Please help us.

♪

Please help us.
Please help us.

-Sean, are you alright?

You look like you saw a ghost.

-I had a scary dream.

-All dreams try to tell
us things, even bad ones.

Right now, your father tells me

your favorite
television show is on.

Would you like to go watch?
-I guess so.

-Sean, baby, honey,
are you okay?

-He had a bad dream.

I heard him call out, so I went
in his room to check on him.

You're alright now,
aren't you, Sean?

-So, what're you guys
hungry for?

-I'm sorry. I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to pass

on dinner tonight.

I-I have a prior commitment
I completely forgot about.

-Oh, well, maybe
we'll see you tomorrow.

-You can count on it.

Bye, Sean.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Insects chirping]

[Can clanks]

-This really sucks.

-What sucks, Brent?

-The old Oakmore Cemetery's
supposed to be

right over there.

-I don't see any graves.

-Well, I guess we'll just
have to look. Come on.

[Insects chirping]

I saw an old map at the library.

This used to be the Kelly farm.

They had a little burial
plot out here somewhere.

And we're gonna find where
they buried their dead.

-This is the suburbs.

There aren't any dead
people in the suburbs.

-[Chuckles]

-The brain-dead.

-Yeah, they probably moved
the bodies

when they built the houses.

-Shannon, can I move your body?

[Can thuds]

That had beer in it.

[Insects chirping]

-Come on, Paul.

Quit screwing around
and help us find the graveyard.

-Cool!

Think I found somethin'.

Somethin' old...

and dead.

[Paul screams]

-[Sighs]
-Ever do it with a dead guy?

-I wouldn't like it.
You'd just lay there.

-You know you want me.
Don't fight it.

-[Scoffs]

-Hey, he did find something.

"Daniel Kelly --
died in 1915."

-And there's two more
over there.

I wonder what else we'll find.

-Evening, folks.

I'm a night early,
but happy Halloween.

[Static crackles]

-So, the girl playing Shannon in
the sequence we just watched --

that's Kelly Lacy, and she was
waiting tables in New York City

and taking acting class when she
was selected to be in this movie

because of a
scream-queen competition on

"The Phil Donahue Show."

-Oh, wow! So, are you going to
tell us that story?

-I'm going to try to tell that
story in the nicest way possible

without insulting anybody.

-Oh, okay. Go for it.

-So, "The Phil Donahue Show"
decides they want to do

an episode on scream queens,

and their idea is that they'll
have scream-queen auditions

on the show and then send
a camera crew to a movie

to film the winning
scream queen's performance.

And, so, their research
turns up the name Fred Olen Ray

as the director who works
with a lot of scream queens.

And that is, of course,
a good choice.

-Yes.

-And so they call Fred up
and they say,

"We're doing this show.

And do you have
any movies coming up

where you need a scream queen?"

And Fred said,
"As a matter of fact,

I'm in pre-production on a movie
called 'Jack-O'-Lantern.'

It's a Halloween thriller.

And so, yes, I would be happy
to participate in your show."

In fact, Fred was lying.

There was no movie called
"Jack-O'-Lantern."

He just thought exposure on
"The Phil Donahue Show"

would guarantee box office
on one of his

ultra-low-budget movies.

So, Fred calls
Steve Latshaw in Florida

and he tells him that he needs
to make a movie really fast.

And Steve had made
a movie called

"Vampire Trailer Park"
in 1991 for virtually no money.

And Fred had been moving
into the distribution business.

And so he said,

"Can you keep making these
low-budget movies in Orlando,

and I'll finance them,
if you can deliver at my price?"

And so they made
a couple movies together.

They made a movie called
"Dark Universe"

with Joe Estevez
about an astronaut

who mutates into an alien-type
creature and crash-lands

in the Everglades
and starts killing people,

and one called
"Biohazard: The Alien Force"

with Chris Mitchum.

And they made a lot of money
on both of those,

mostly through video sales

and licensing the movies
to Showtime, Cinemax, Turner.

So now Fred Olen Ray calls
Steve Latshaw up

and he says, "It's November.

I need you to deliver
a movie called "Jack-O'-Lantern"

by the spring so
we can release it at Halloween.

I'm sending Linnea Quigley
down there.

Make sure she gets naked
in the movie.

I have some footage to send you.

I have footage
of John Carradine.

I have footage
of Cameron Mitchell.

I have footage of Brinke Stevens
that's never been used.

Try to put all that footage
in the movie,

and the monster needs to fit
the title,

so it should be pumpkin-headed.

And Steve Latshaw says,
"Yeah, I can do that."

And he works
with Brad Linaweaver

to take all those elements and
just stick them into a script

that they can start
shooting right away.

And Brad had written the story
for Fred Olen Ray's first movie,

"The Brain Leeches."

And Brian --
Brad was a publisher of

Mondo Cult
magazine

and he wrote novels,
did radio shows.

He was well-known
in the low-budget-horror world.

Alright, so,
back to Phil Donahue.

So, a Phil Donahue
segment producer,

calls me and says,

"We want to do two segments
of this show with you,

explaining how the whole
scream-queen phenomenon works.

We want you to be the judge
for the scream-queen contest."

I say, "Okay."

So I show up for the taping at
"The Phil Donahue Show."

I know something is
wrong right away.

Fred Olen Ray
is happy to see me,

but everybody associated
with "Donahue"

is doing that
eyes-averted-handshake thing

where they're trying
to get away from me really fast.

And at some point, they tell me,
"Oh, Mr. Briggs,

there've been a few changes,

and we'll only need you
for one segment,

and that segment will be shared
with you and Fred together.

And we don't need you to judge

the scream-queen
contest anymore,

because Phil has asked
his good friend Barbara Feldon,"

the actress best known as
Agent 99 on "Get Smart,"

"to come down to the show today
and be the scream-queen judge."

And I said, "Oh, well,
I guess Barbara was

a horror actress at some point."

And they said, "Uh, no.

He just thought
she would be a better judge."

And, so, the only question
I was asked on the show

was -- Phil turned to me.

You know that thing he
used to do where he's moving up

through the audience and
he's moving the mic around?

So he's in the audience
and he turns to me and he says,

"So, these movies are measured
according to what is known

as the three B's."

-Did he really?

-Yeah.

He says, "Blood, beasts..."

And I don't remember
what I answered,

but he was having trouble
saying the word "breasts."

'Cause he only said
two of the B's.

And it sounded
like he believed there was

some kind of B-movie
secret manual

that actually had
the three B's in it.

Anyway, so,
when this show is over,

I go up to the segment producer

and I say, "What the fuck
just happened, man?!"

And he said,
"I can't really talk about it."

And then he kind of said,
"We'll talk later."

And then he never answered
my phone calls.

So I never knew
why I got shanghaied by

"The Phil Donahue Show,"

but I do know that Kelly Lacy
won the role of Shannon thanks

to the scream-queen expertise
of Barbara Feldon.

And I don't --
Anyway, I don't even know

if that story was worth telling.

-Absolutely it was. Yes.

Important thing to remember,
though,

is that Phil Donahue made
"Jack-O" possible.

-It's true.
-That's amazing.

-If Phil didn't want to do
a show about scream queens,

there would be no "Jack-O."

-Well, thank you, Phil.

-So, back to the movie,
which is --

This movie's already operating

in three dimensions --
historical flashbacks,

the little boy's nightmares, and
the real time of Halloween Eve.

So roll it.

They're even doing
that double-dream thing,

you know,
the dream inside of a dream,

which makes it
even more complicated.

-That's because it's art.

Pure art.

-But you know what we need
before we go back to the movie?

-More respect for "Jack-O," man.

-It's the 30th anniversary
of this movie.

But it's the 40th anniversary
of GWAR, and they are going to

play one of their all-time hits,
"Gor-Gor"!

-Yeah, I love it! Whoo!

-Blothar...
-Yeah!

-...if you can hear me,
release the giant dinosaur!

-Fuck yeah!

Whoo!

[Growling]

-What the fuck is that sound?

♪

It's Gor-Gor, people!

♪

-Let him hear it!
-[Cheers and applause]

Gor-Gor!

Gor-Gor!

Gor-Gor!

Would you look at that.

Gor-Gor!

Yeah!

♪

I don't know about this.

This is a dangerous animal.

[Siren wails]

Don't look him in the eye.

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

What?

♪ Gor-Gor comes
and sirens wail ♪

♪ Mournful drone of
babbling fail ♪

♪ Thunderous gnashing
firestorm ♪

♪ Flames illuminate his form ♪

♪ Gor-Gor comes,
and you must die ♪

♪ Swats F-16s from the sky ♪

♪ Admit you crave
the gift he brings you ♪

♪ Fall and worship tyrant king,
you ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

No way. Not this.

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

He's a savage beast.

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Sow pestilent hate,
it shall obliterate ♪

♪ The shadows of
your long-dead brothers ♪

♪ And all the mutilated others ♪

♪ Who died in waves, uniform ♪

♪ To appease your
bloodied, hulking form ♪

♪ That broke through
layers of molten strata ♪

♪ To make the planet Earth
errata ♪

♪

I don't know about this.

♪ Take the chuld in
champing jaws ♪

♪ A pulping pile of
frothing flaws ♪

♪ This horrid mass
shall give us pause ♪

♪ As putrid rot fills
gaping maws ♪

♪

♪

♪ Gor-Gor! ♪

What the fuck?!

♪

Hey!

♪ Gor-Gor big! ♪

♪

♪

♪

Bad dog!

♪

♪

♪ Skulls are smashed,
and bones are bending ♪

♪ Joints are popping,
our claws are rending ♪

♪ Groveling, sniveling,
driveling horde ♪

♪ To worship scaly overlord ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Apocalypse becomes creation ♪

♪ Gor-Gor shall erase
the nation ♪

♪ Before you jump into
his gizzard ♪

♪ Fall and worship
tyrant lizard ♪

♪ Gor-Gor comes,
and you must die ♪

♪ He swats the stealth
down from the sky ♪

♪ Admit you crave
the gift he brings you ♪

♪ Fall and worship tyrant king,
you ♪

-♪ Gor-Gor!
-And now!

My son!

My bastard son!

It's time!

We embrace...

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

♪ Gor-Gor ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Bad dog!

Very bad dog.

You're sucking on him!

♪

♪

[Cheers and applause]

Get it out of here.

[Static crackles]

-Did you find

I mean,

that which

Let me remind you,

the human mind is

From it springs the

and the darkest of evils.

Welcome to my

Oh, yes,

[Laughing evilly]

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

♪

[Remote clicks]

-Almost time for bed,
Sean Kelly.

-Can I watch
"Dr. Cadaver" tomorrow

before I go trick-or-treating?

-We'll see. First, you
have to try one of these.

-What are they?
-Eyeballs.

-Gross.
-Nice, juicy eyeballs.

I picked 'em fresh for you.

-Come on, Dad.
What are they really?

-Grapes for our haunted garage.

Come on,
let's go check it out.

-You guys are just in time to
help me put this stuff away.

Ah, Linda, my dear,
Sean and I are going into

the haunted garage.

And then it's straight
to bed, right, young man?

-What all this stuff for, Mom?
-Supplies for the spook house.

I've got corn syrup and
food coloring for blood,

cauliflower for brains,
and spaghetti for...

-Intestines.

-Very good! We'll make
a ghoul out of you yet.

Did you get ahold of
a babysitter, Linda?

-What do I need
a babysitter for?

-Your father and I have
to watch the garage, Sean,

and collect the money.

I know you're getting
too big for a babysitter,

but it's just somebody
to keep you company.

-Why do you have to collect
money? We've got money.

-But some people don't,
sweetheart.

The neighbors will give us
money for the spook house,

and then we'll give it
to the homeless shelter.

It's important to help people
who haven't been

blessed like us.

-We're haunting the homeless.
-David!

-Come on, we got work to do.

Uh, who are you calling, Linda?

-Carolyn. I couldn't
think of anybody else.

-Carolyn's nice.

-I think she likes me.
-[Chuckling]

In your dreams, David.

Now get to work, boys.

♪

-Hey, you guys, come here!

♪

♪

-Cool!
A killer old cross.

Shannon, don't say I
never gave you anything.

-Leave it alone.

-Afraid of ghosts?

-Maybe they didn't move
all the bodies.

Just a little respect for
the dead.

-Maybe he's right.

Let's go see what else
we can find.

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Can I have a hit of
your cigarette?

-No way.
-Jim, come on.

Please, just give
me a hit of your cigarette.

-No way.
-Come on!

-Buy your own.

[Beeping]

[Ringing]

[Dog barking]

Hey, isn't that
your sister's phone?

-She'll get it.
Don't worry about it.

-You know,
I think she's in the shower.

Maybe I should get it for her.

-No, you are not going in
the shower with my sister.

[Telephone rings]

-Julie, get the phone!

-[Ringing continues]
-Julie, get the phone!

[Ringing continues]

Ugh! Hello?

-Carolyn? Linda Kelly.
Everything okay?

-Yeah, my sister's
home on break.

College education
and I can't even get her

to answer the phone.

[Engine revving]

Um, babysit for Sean
tomorrow night?

Linda, um, I've got this
Halloween party to go to.

-Carolyn, I was counting on you.

How am I gonna find another
sitter this close to Halloween?

[Engine revving]

-I'll, uh, tell you what.
The party's not till 10:00.

I'll bring Julie over
and show her the ropes,

I'll watch Sean until it's
time to go to the party,

and then she can take over.

Oh, you'll like Julie.

She's really reliable,
very mature.

[Dog barking]

[Engine revving]

-And now, with tonight's
commentary, Dr. Tom Mason.

-I am sick and tired of
real Americans

having to apologize
for not being homeless,

disabled, or a minority.

[Laughing]
Where does this come from?

[Engine humming]

-Oh, pure white trash.

Carolyn Miller
moves in across the street,

and our property values plummet.

-She's a divorced woman,
Amanda, simple as that.

We're lucky she doesn't
have children.

-If she were a dog,
I'd have her spayed.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-You finish your prayers?
-Yeah.

-Let's get under covers.

♪

-Dad?
-Yes, son?

-Are monsters real?

-Well, monsters can be fun,
like on the "Dr. Cadaver" show

or at Halloween, but there
aren't any real ones.

-What about Mr. Jack?

-Who?
-Mr. Jack, the Pumpkin Man.

"Mr. Jack will break your back,

cut off your head with
a whack, whack, whack."

-"Pumpkin Man
will steal your soul.

He'll snatch it up
and swallow it whole."

I haven't heard that in years.

That's just an old rhyme
my grandma used to tell me

to keep me from
getting into trouble.

-You used to get in trouble?

-Sure did, and we're
both gonna be in trouble

if your mom finds out
you're not asleep yet.

Close them eyes, boy.

-Okay.

♪

♪

"Then, real quick,
before you die,

Mr. Jack will steal your eyes."

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Well, that wasn't too bad.

-Now you have to catch me.

-Don't go there!
[Sighs]

♪

♪

Paul, that is not funny!

[Gasps]

-Boo!

-[Chuckles]

♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪

♪

-[Groans]

♪

No.

♪

-[Groans]

♪

♪

[Grunts]

♪

[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Echoing]
I am the judge of the hill.

Not everyone is lucky enough
to get my special attention.

[Thunder rumbling]

[Rumbling]

[Bell tolling]

-[Laughing]

Hey, stop it.

-[Chuckling] Shut up.

♪

♪

-[Growling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Groans]

-I have found them guilty,
and the punishment is death.

-Help me, Sean!

Help me, Sean!

♪

-You must do as I command.
Kill them. Kill them!

♪

-What was that noise?

-Brent burped.

-[Sighs]

♪

You guys, can we go now?

-[Gagging]

-[Screams]

-[Screams]

-[Gagging]

-[Gasps]

-[Screaming]

Aah!

♪

♪

♪

[Crying]

♪

♪

-No!
-[Thunder crashes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm sorry you find my
justice so difficult to accept.

My power is much greater
than even I believed.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-Wow!

Darcy, have you seen the new

"Last Drive-In"
double-feature Blu-ray?

"Suitable Flesh" and "Mayhem."

Joe Lynch edition of
"The Last Drive-In."

-Amazing.

-Several people
have purchased...

-Several.
-...one of these. Yeah.

-[Laughs]

-We gotta give Steve Latshaw
a special award.

-Uh, the director?
-Yep.

That is the most outstandingly
unmotivated shower scene

in the history
of motion pictures.

-Yes.
And it was not brief.

-No.
She soaps herself up real good.

-Real good.
-Steve just decided,

"Okay, Linnea Quigley's
in the movie.

Here's how we'll introduce her.

Linnea, jump in the shower.

We're going to give the other
characters some dialogue about

how you can't answer the phone
because you're in the shower."

-You know,
I think she had top billing,

so he was kind of
just using her notoriety.

-Her and her body.

-That's what I meant
by "notoriety."

-This is also where we see
that Cameron Mitchell footage.

Cameron Mitchell is
Dr. Cadaver on Sean's

favorite TV show, "Dr. Cadaver's
Monster Movie Madness."

And Cameron Mitchell
had died the year before

they made this movie,

but Fred Olen Ray
had the practice --

If Fred paid
an actor for a full day of work

and he didn't use the full day,

he would just write random
scenes for future projects

and have the actors say lines
to be used later.

So that's how
Dr. Cadaver happened

and that's how John Carradine
became the wizard.

As you probably noticed,
you never see John Carradine's

mouth moving when he's speaking.

-That's just genius.

-And then that's
Catherine Walsh as Vivian,

who's somehow related
to John Carradine.

Her family, the Machens,
are connected to

Sean's family, the Kellys.

I have no idea.

She's in every sequence
of the movie,

sort of wandering
around the movie.

Is she a witch?
Is she a researcher?

Is she a tool for exposition?
I don't know.

But she's actually
an Irish woman

who had been used Latshaw's
earlier movie "Biohazard."

And I don't know
what she was doing in Orlando,

since most of her career
has been on the stage in Dublin.

But "Jack-O" would be
the last collaboration

between Steve Latshaw
and Fred Olen Ray,

partly because of
the DVD extras.

Fred started ragging
on the movie

during the commentary track
for the DVD,

criticizing all the directorial
decisions that Latshaw made.

So Steve started to get testy.

And he finally got angry and he
stormed out of the audio booth

wherever they were doing it,

and Fred locked him
out of the recording room.

And then Steve Latshaw
was pounding on the door

to get back in, and
Fred wouldn't let him back in.

But he continued to do
the commentary track by himself.

-Wow.
-And then he finally relented

and he let him come back in
to finish the commentary.

But they were still edgy.
So, it's all on the Blu-ray.

It's probably one
of the most hysterically funny

commentary tracks ever recorded.

-Oh, Lord.
-Except for, of course --

I'm sure there's a hysterically
funny commentary track

on the Joe Lynch edition of

"The Last Drive-In"
double feature.

Because, yeah, they searched
through all 200 movies

that we've made,

and they decided
"Suitable Flesh" and "Mayhem"

were the ones
to go on the Blu-ray.

-Of course.
-So...

Anyway, Fred Olen Ray
does have Florida ties, though.

He used to be
in the carnival business.

He would go to
Gibsonton, Florida,

which is where
the carnies spend the winter,

and he would buy
carnival attractions

that were being retired
or offered for sale.

And if you were an actress
in one of Fred's movies,

he would likely call you
up occasionally

and ask if he wanted to work
as a bikini-clad snake-woman

at his "Secrets of the Amazon"
show,

which he would take around
to county fairs.

Anyway, that's Fred --
30 different pen names,

a lot of horror, a lot of T&A
for Showtime and Cinemax.

I think he's directed
over 200 movies and produced

at least that many, has his
own indie wrestling promotion,

ACW, uses the name
"Fabulous" Freddy Valentine

when he does wrestling.

Last I heard,
he was doing quickies

for the Great American
Family Channel.

They're Hallmark movies,
but much lower budget.

I've never even heard of the
Great American --

Great American Family.
That's a cable channel.

-That's a religious channel.

-Really?
That's a religious channel?

-Mm-hmm.
Based out of Texas.

-So I guess they
don't use the two-minute

Linnea Quigley shower scene
when they show "Jack-O"

on the Great American
Family Channel.

-Actually,
they don't do Halloween at all,

just Valentine's Day,
Christmas, and the 4th of July.

-Well, shred my britches.

I'll have to check them out.

Actually, no,
I probably won't check them out.

But let's get back to
the confusing...

I mean, the always-surprising
plot of "Jack-O."

-Nice save.
-Roll it!

-Yes.

-Do the churches still do
all that anti-Halloween stuff?

-A lot of them do for sure.

They are not cool with
paganism and the occult.

-But I know some of those
churches --

that's where they have
those daytime Halloweens.

-Yeah. Some have things called

harvest festivals or
trunk-or-treats.

-Trunk-or-treats?
-Yeah.

That's what you were
talking about in your rant.

You just didn't know
what it was.

It's when they decorate
the trunks of the cars,

and the kids go from car to car,
collecting all the candy.

-So that their kids don't
have to mix with the devil.

-Yes, exactly.

-Well, God bless
their precious little souls.

No GWAR for them.

[Laughter]
-I guess not.

[Static crackles]

[Engine rumbling, revs]

-Carolyn!

-How's my boyfriend?

Ooh!
You look so scary!

The yard looks great.

-Well, I try.

-You're like a little boy
about all this scary stuff.

-I guess it keeps me young.

-I like little boys.

-That's a nice bike
your friend has there.

-Can I go look at it?

-Look, uh...but don't touch.

-[Moans]
-Neat bike.

-You like bikes, kid?

Go ahead, check it out.

-Well, I guess I better
go talk to your daddy.

I get to be your babysitter,
too.

-Cool.

-So, you ever ridden
one of these?

-No, not lately.

-Come on, kid, climb aboard.

[Engine revs]

-Sean. Uh, Sean.

[Engine revving]

-He's alright.
Jim's a real safe biker.

[Engine roaring]

-Hi, Carolyn.
-Hi!

-And you must be Julie.

What's that noise?

[Engine humming]

Sean! Get off that bike
right now!

-Don't worry, Mrs. Kelly.
He's safe with Jim.

-David, how could you
let this happen?

-I-I said he could
look at the damn thing.

I-I didn't say he could ride it.

-[Sighs]

-See you at 7:00, Linda,
if that's okay.

[Animal howling]

[Doorbell rings]

-Well, hi, Vivian.
Come on in.

-Hi.
-Ready for a spooky Halloween?

-Yes.

-What's with the book?

-This old family Bible got
me started on my project.

-Oh, I love those old pictures.

[Beeping]

-Sean.

Come here.
This might interest you.

-Who's he?

-Just some creepy-lookin'
old guy. Why?

-I saw him in my dream.

-His name was Walter Machen.

-You must've seen his
picture somewhere before.

Isn't that right, Vivian?

♪

♪

-These are the kind of tales

to the brink of madness.

I'd better go easy on

I don't wanna scare you off.

I want you to

Welcome to my

The doctor is in.

♪

-Our grandparents never talked
much about the good old days,

and we weren't allowed to ask.

Were our families close?

-In a way.

Walter Machen
was accused of sorcery.

He was linked to
the disappearance of

many innocent townsfolk.

81 years ago this night,
Arthur and Daniel Kelly

led the mob that lynched
Walter Machen.

-That's terrible.

-Before the rope bit into his
neck, Walter vowed revenge.

He said the streets of
Oakmore Crossing

would run red with the
blood of the Kelly clan

or anyone connected with
them within one year's time.

According to legend,
his prophecy almost came true.

Halloween night, 1915,
something came out of the ground

and took Machen's
bloody revenge.

-You -- You said "almost"?

-Arthur Kelly
stopped the evil thing

Machen raised up from hell.

He stopped its
mission of vengeance,

but at the cost of his own life.

Mind you,
most of it's just legend.

I'm just trying to
separate fact from fiction.

-What about my ancestors?

You said they lynched
Walter Machen?

-Oh, that part's true,
but don't worry --

time heals all wounds.

-Quiet!
I can't hear the movie.

-Blood running red

Always the

My soul cried out for release,

but for release into a

And I knew that they were

tearing at their own flesh

And I would soon be...

-David, honey, could you
give me a hand, please?

-...left my body,

-Let me know how it ends.

-Can I go trick-or-treating now?

-As soon as Carolyn and Julie
get here.

-My flesh

my death bringing life to

♪

-[As Dracula]
I've come to drink your blood.

-David,
how long is she gonna be here?

-[Normal voice]
Oh, I don't know.

I guess till we close
the haunted house.

-She makes me
really uncomfortable.

All this talk about curses
and blood in the streets?

-That's just the stuff
that sells books.

It's Halloween.
Lighten up.

-Linda, can I help you
with something?

-Oh, Vivian, uh, no, no,
thanks. We're all set.

♪

[Insects chirping]

-They say that there are

that are certain --

[Laughing] What a load of

Why should I give my

when they aren't giving me

-That's so true. That's what
I've always said, Richard.

-[TV audience applauding]

[Creature growling]

-What's the matter?
-Dad says the Watsons are mean.

-Mr. Watson
owns a grocery store.

He's gotta have the best candy.

-[Knocking at door]

-Oh, little monsters.

-Did you leave
the porch light on?

-Must I do everything for you?

-Yes.

the Glenn Miller

-I'm coming,
you little parasites.

-Trick-or-treat.
-Trick-or-treat.

-You looking for a handout?

-Yes, sir, we'd like some candy.

-Oh, you want some candy.

Does this look like
a candy store?

I make my living
selling
food.

You want something from me,
you pay for it, got it?

Good.
Now get outta here.

[Guitar playing on television]

-Man, that guy's creepy,
creepier than Dr. Cadaver.

-He's just mean.

-Hey, I got an idea.

No treat,
so it's time for a trick.

[Insects chirping]

-[Groans]

learn from Del Bugercasher.

He's been playing guitar

But you'll learn favorites

-What was that sound?

♪

-That's it!

[Children laughing]

♪

-Hey! Hey, I know who you
are and I saw what you did!

♪

Hey, get outta the yard!

Damn kid!

[Door closes]

-[Click]

[Howling]

[Eerie music playing]

The realm dies.

-[As Dracula]
We aim to spook.

[Hissing]

♪

♪

♪

[Smoke hissing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

-The graves stood as sentinels

over the charred,

of those ancient sorcerers.

Yet, to me,

The voices of the dead coven

called out to me

♪

[Scythe clanging]

[Howling]

[Doorbell rings]

-Sounds like our first
batch of trick-or-treaters.

Everybody look spooky!

Let's go get 'em.
[Laughing]

The door is stuck again.

Oh, there it is.

Carolyn, Julie.
-Hi!

Sorry we're late,
but Julie and her boyfriend

just had to fit in
a game of pool.

-You're not trick-or-treaters.

-Sure we are.

-[As Dracula]
Come with me.

[Insects chirping]

[Normal voice] Carolyn, Julie,
you don't mind taking Sean

trick-or-treating for a while,
do you?

-No, not at all.

-Good, 'cause Linda and I've
gotta open the spook house.

[As Dracula] Come on, Vivian.
You're in for a treat.

-[Laughing]
You guys help yourself.

It's open season on the fridge.

-Got any beer?

-[Chuckles]

-Okay, Pumpkin Man,
are you ready?

-Let me go get my mask.

-Okay, hurry up,
'cause you're burnin' moonlight.

-Oh, this is so white bread.

-I know, but just play
along with me, okay?

-Maybe if more children

were taken away from

I think it's high time we

Not all of us

and respect for fine things.

No, we aren't all born

You've seen the world

We're hardly born with that.

Some have to learn it

Oh, love all your neighbors,

if they're real Americans.

But if they're bleeding-heart

then they don't

they don't deserve to

that you could be breathing.

Just think of that.

[Static crackles]

-Oh, Richard.

-[Sighs]

The antenna must be down.

-We should get cable.

-Tool of the liberal media,
Amanda.

We'll get cable when
they pry the antenna

out of my cold, dead hands.

-Shut up!

-[Laughter]
-On your knees, hell pigs.

Duck!

[Hubcap clanging]

-Oh, they're back for more.

-I'll make some more toast
while you answer the door.

[Door opens]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Damn rug!

♪

-[Zap]
-Ooh!

Richard,
you have got to get that fixed.

♪

-Where's my hubcap?

♪

Alright,
you yellow rat bastards.

I don't care how long
it takes me.

I'll find you
and I'll make your parents pay.

[Rustling]

A little big for
trick-or-treating,

aren't you, bucko?

♪

Get outta my yard or
I'll cut your belly open.

[Groans, gasps,
hubcap clangs]

Aah!

♪

[Gagging]

♪

♪

[Body thuds]

♪

-Richard?

You gonna be out there
all night?

Richard.

Richard.

♪

[Screams]

♪

♪

Gotta get away.

Gotta get away.

-Aah!
-[Zapping]

[Screaming]

[Static crackles]

-So, are we supposed to think
that Jack-O caused Amanda

to slip on the rug
and get fried by the toaster?

Or is that just karma?

-It makes sense.

-She ends up looking a little
bit like a charred Cryptkeeper.

But guess who's here
to help me analyze

this sequence in the movie?

-GWAR!
-GWAR!

-Ugh!
-Whoo!

-Wow.
-How did you know?

-Oh,
I recognized their manicures.

I recognize those fingers.

-Okay, Blothar!
-Blothar!

-Blothar, can you
introduce everybody for us?

-Yeah. Here we go.
-Oh, well...

Yes, I am the berserker Blothar,
lead singer of GWAR.

And my associate here --

this is Grodius Maximus,
lead guitar.

Uh, who else do we have?

Oh, we've got
Beefcake the Mighty back there.

-Yeah, Beefcake!
-Alright, Beefcake.

-I think we have --
I don't know.

I can't even see.
Oh, there's a miserable slave.

He's barely worth introducing.

And then, of course,

we have Jizmak Da Gusha
on the drums right here.

And everybody loves
Balsac the Jaws of Death,

the guitar player for GWAR.

Uh, Testiclees.
Yes, he's a slave as well.

And Bonesnapper, the cave troll.

-Blothar,
you didn't introduce me!

-Oh, well, excuse me.
I'm sorry.

Yes. Of course.
Lest I forget our slave, Maggot!

-Ha ha!
-[Cheers and applause]

-Maggot!
-That's a woman.

-Alright.
Blothar, I am a fan.

How are things for you
on this makeshift

SplatterWeen stage
that we put up for you

out on the grounds of the
"Walking Dead" studio?

-Well, it's great.
I mean, it looks like --

It looks like all of
the other places that we play.

-Okay.

-Just a decimated wasteland
that's absolutely empty

and devoid of any humanity.

That's how we like it.

-Alright. Well,
it's your 40th anniversary.

It's our 200th movie tonight.

And it's Halloween season.
-Yeah!

-So I feel
like something intergalactic

and nasty is happening here,
even as we speak.

What do you think?

-Something's brewing. Ooh!
-Alright.

Now, speaking of nasty,

tell me what it is
about Richmond, Virginia,

that creates GWAR.

How does GWAR get started
in Richmond?

You guys have always been
in Richmond, Virginia.

No matter how popular you get,
you stay in Richmond, Virginia,

capital of the Confederacy,
historically one

of the most conservative cities
in the South.

And, yet, you have managed
to do shock rock,

keep that punk attitude going
without ever getting arrested

or kicked out of town.

How do you do that?

-Well, let's
not get ahead of ourselves.

We have definitely been arrested
and kicked out of town.

I mean, GWAR is actually
from Antarctica, as you know.

But we have
some human thralls who run

things from
Richmond, Virginia, yes.

And, you know, Richmond --
it's a cheap town.

It's dirt-cheap.

And back when GWAR got started,

it was also the murder capital
of the South.

-Who took the "Murder Capital"
title away from you?

-I don't know. Probably
Baltimore, wouldn't you think?

-Wasn't that Santa Clara?
I thought...

-That's what I was thinking.
Right?

"Lost Boys," y'all.

-See, we were thinking
Camden, New Jersey,

birthplace of the drive-in,
but go ahead.

-No one was thinking that.
-Huh?

-No one was thinking that.
-No one was thinking that?

-Not one person.
-Okay.

Anyway, you guys
just put out your 17th album,

which is pretty amazing, because
you got the two live albums.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-You got the 15
and then the two live ones.

That's especially amazing
for a band

that lost its founder in 2014.

The fans were very grateful
when you showed up, Blothar,

and said you were
going to keep the music going

and the spirit of Dave Brockie
going and --

Excuse me.
Oderus Urungus.

Can you keep that spirit going?

And I think you have done that.

-Oh, well, thank you.
-Yeah!

-Yes.

-Uh, don't congratulate him
too much.

It goes to his head, and
then that goes to his stomach,

and then that comes out
on the bus,

and everything just smells
really, really bad.

So I would just like --
-Alright.

And I know that one
of the traditions of GWAR,

depending on what show
you're doing,

the audience might get
sprayed with

blood, urine, or sperm, right?

Or do you get all three
bodily fluids at every show?

-Well, I mean,
it's not just sperm.

You know,
there's semen involved, right?

It's the seminal fluid.

Yeah, I mean,
we'll spew anything on them.

I mean, we've actually --
We've flung feces.

As a matter of fact,
when we did get arrested,

there was a photograph of Oderus

in
The Charlotte Observer

There was a sign right under
his face that said,

"He ate feces."

-That was in the newspaper?
-Yeah.

-In Charlotte?
-Yeah.

-Charlotte --
-But he didn't eat feces.

Lies!

-He just...
-Touched it.

-Okay. In my youth, Blothar,
I once performed

with a punk band called
Stick Men with Ray Guns.

They were the opening act
for the Butthole Surfers.

And I'm glad to know --

I'm glad to know that,
after all these years,

somebody somewhere is still
keeping the punk spirit alive.

-Yeah!
-You guys are super-punk,

you are the kings of metal,

and I appreciate everything
that you guys do.

-Well, thank you.
-And I have a request.

-What's that?

-Please play "Fuck This Place"
at the next break.

-You know that we will.

-Hell, yeah!
-Fuck this place!

[Laughs]
-Alright.

And then Darcy and I are
going to come out on the stage

at the end tonight and
do the "Drive-In" oath with you.

-Yeah!
-Alright!

-Alright, right now,
we're going back to "Jack-O."

What do you think of "Jack-O,"
Blothar?

-You love it.
You love it.

-It gives me a headache.
-Alright, roll the movie.

-Blothar!
-Roll the movie.

You know, when you guys
are playing your guitars,

can you even see the guitar
when you're playing the guitar?

-I haven't even seen
my own penis in 45 years.

-Okay. That's artistry.
That's true talent.

-What?!

-You can't see your penis
and you can't see your guitar,

and, yet,
you deliver these shows.

And did you guys really do
a cover version of

"I'm Just Ken"
from the "Barbie" movie?

-We did, yeah.
It was great.

-Oh, wow.
-Yeah, it was fun.

-Blothar was actually trying
to hook up with Ryan Gosling.

Be real. Let's be honest.
-Yeah, that's true.

-The intention is there.
-Yeah, I don't know.

-Never panned out.
-I do like Ryan.

-Don't give up.

[Static crackles]

[Engine revs]

-What's Julie
doing in the bathroom?

-Girl stuff.

Julie, come on. Sean wants
to go trick-or-treating,

and I've got places to go.

[Engine humming]

Julie!

Julie?

[Engine humming]

"Beer run. Bye."

Great.

-[Growls]
-[Gasps]

Okay, let's go trick-or-treat.

-Yes!

[Insects chirping]

-Cool. The Watsons put
up decorations after all.

-That's not scary.

Maybe they just want kids
to come up to the door

so they can yell at 'em.

-Come on.
The haunted garage'll be better.

♪

[Door opens]

-Trick-or-treat.
[Laughing evilly]

I've been expecting you, Sean.

[Laughing evilly]

Evening, Carolyn.

Happy Halloween.

Sean, didn't you forget to
say something?

Trick-or-treat.
[Laughing]

-[Engine shuts off]
-Don't hold me so tight, baby.

You're cuttin' off
my circulation.

-Really? I thought you could
handle a little bondage.

-Maybe I can.

You playin' rough, baby?

-Maybe.

-Just remember somethin' --
I bite back.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hey, what're you doin'?
What's the matter, baby?

What's the matter?
-I think somebody's out there.

I think we should go back to
the Kellys'.

-No, come here, come here.
-Not right now!

-Come on. What's the matter
with you? Geez!

I'm goin' to get beer.
Get your own ride back.

[Engine revs]

-Jim!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[As Dracula] Welcome to the
Kellys' haunted garage.

Enter if you dare.

-Hi, Mr. Kelly.

-That's
Count Kelly,
kid.

-This better be good.

-Ah, children of the night.

You are either
very brave or very foolish.

Esmarelda, more children.

-Mmm! I love children,
especially flame-broiled.

♪

[Insects chirping]

♪

♪

-That's pretty cool.

♪

♪

[Eerie music playing]

♪

-Let's go see the man
turned inside out.

-That's gross.

-Feels fake.

-[Growling]

-[Screams]

-[Laughing]
I guess we got him good.

-Perhaps it was something else.

-You know, she's right, David.

Maybe those kids
wrecked something.

You better go check it out.

-Welcome to realm.

-That could've been
the Pumpkin Man.

-It wasn't.
Now can we please go home?

-No, I want more candy.

-Come join us.

-It's dark and scary
in here, mommy.

I can't see a thing.

-That's the whole idea.

-Welcome to the realm.

Join...

-The heart's still in
the right place.

-David,
what are you doing in there?

-I'm feeling my guts.

-[Laughs]

-No damage.
Maybe it just scared 'em.

Scared 'em real good.
[Laughing]

♪

♪

[Clattering]

Well, I didn't find
any body parts.

At least not real ones.

[Fabric ripping,
glass shatters]

-Something's been here.

-Yeah, David.

Uh, what a neighborhood
full of kids couldn't do

in one night,
you managed in two minutes.

Well, I guess I gotta
close the spook show.

♪

[Bird calling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Frogs croaking]

♪

-I wanna go home.
I think we're lost.

-No, we're not.

The old cemetery's
down the road.

That's where
the Pumpkin Man lives.

-[Muffled growling]

-I think I heard something.

-It's just somebody
trying to scare us.

♪

Is that you, Sean Kelly?

You're still a wuss.

-[Muffled growling]

♪

-[Laughing evilly]

[Both scream]

-[Laughs]
-[Engine shuts off]

-What'd you do that for?

-Come on, baby.
It ain't Halloween

if you can't scare a
few kids once in a while.

[Rustling]

Hey, you still mad at me?

-No, but can we go
back to the Kellys' now?

-Just a second. I gotta check
my throttle. It's sticking.

[Insects chirping]

-Uh, no.
Slow down, Mrs. Stephens.

You're saying Sarah and Robbie

saw dead bodies and a monster
all over the neighborhood?

It's Halloween.

No, no, I'm sure it's just...

No, Sean went trick-or-treating.

Okay, I'll check it out.
Thanks.

-Is there a problem?

-Hm, some of
the neighborhood kids

saw dead bodies and a monster.

I better go track down Sean.

Tell Linda
I went to look for him.

♪

-What was that?

-Huh?

-I heard something.

-Give it a rest, Jim.

-No, really.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Chuckles]
Nice costume, butthead.

But you're scaring
my girlfriend.

Now get the hell outta here.

♪

I said...
get the hell outta here.

[Gasps]

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

Oh, my God!

[Whirring]

-What --

-It got Jim! It got --
We've gotta get outta here!

Come on.

Would you get in the car?!

There's something out there!

Would you please
just get in the car?!

There's something out there!

Would you just get in the car?!

-Hey, calm down.
There's nothing out there.

-[Screams]

-[Gagging]

-Oh, God!

-[Gurgling]

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-You know that cable installer
who just got his throat cut?

That's Steve Latshaw,
the director.

He would eventually decide

that it's too hard
to be making movies in Orlando.

Which is true, oddly enough.

Even though
it's the world headquarters

of the theme-park industry,

they were never able to master
actual filmmaking in Orlando.

So Latshaw moved to L.A.,

and he made
"American Black Beauty,"

"Stan Lee's Lightspeed,"
"Death Mask,"

"Return of the Killer Shrews."

He also did the movie
within the movie

of the immortal
"Bikini Drive-in."

And I should also mention
the Kelly family in the movie,

mom Linda was played
by Madissen K. Krown.

She uses the stage name
Rebecca Wicks in the credits.

She was a violinist
from Connecticut

who did some off-Broadway
theater,

and then moved to the West Coast

and got her master's
degree in spiritual psychology

from the
University of Santa Monica.

Is that a real place?
The University of Santa Monica?

-Probably. [Laughs]

-And she became a life coach.

And the father, David,
was played by Gary Doles.

This is his only film role.

He was a saloon singer
and a songwriter

and one of the founders
of Theatre Downtown in Orlando,

the community theater there.

And, then, of course,
I think I mentioned earlier

the lead role,
the little kid Sean,

is played by Steve Latshaw's
son, Ryan Latshaw,

who was in five movies,
all in the '90s,

four of them
directed by his dad,

and the other one directed
by Fred Olen Ray.

And in later years,
Steve would embarrass his son

by showing "Jack-O"
to every girl that he dated.

Alright.

Blothar promised me they would
sing "Fuck this Place."

-Yeah!
-And they're ready to do it.

So let's go to "The Last
Drive-In" outdoor stage.

[Cheers and applause]

-That's right!

[Shouts indistinctly]

♪

SawBorg Destructo!

You suck!

Boo!

♪

Kick this motherfucker's ass!

[Crowd cheers]

[Shouts indistinctly]

♪ Out of time ♪

♪ We were banished here
for our crimes ♪

♪ Incarcerated
on this ball of slime ♪

♪ Primeval wasteland ♪

-I killed a dinosaur!

-♪ We fucked apes ♪

♪ Giving birth
to the human race ♪

[Singing indistinctly]

♪

♪ ...fuck this place
[Crowd cheering]

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪

-♪ Now you rise ♪

♪ We cut you,
beat you, crush you ♪

♪ Still you rise ♪

♪ Our children grow into
what we despise ♪

♪ We fucking hate you ♪

-What,
you think you're better than me?

-♪ Oderus ♪

♪ You left us stranded
on this world of pus ♪

♪ When in death
you have forsaken us ♪

♪ Oh, this planet
fucking sucks ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-♪ I'll bring you pleasure ♪

♪ I'll bring you pain ♪

♪ I'll bring you truth
like a bullet to your brain ♪

-♪ Fuck this place!
-♪ And there she lies ♪

♪ Her corpse you kissed ♪

♪ Your bitch is dead,
still you scream "Resist" ♪

-♪ Fuck this place!
-♪ Oh, liberty ♪

♪ What did they do? ♪

♪ They ripped your dress,
and what a mess ♪

♪ They took a shit on you
-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-♪ They watch us rise ♪

♪ You made us fall ♪

♪ Stupid humans
put an end to it all ♪

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪

Bonesnapper...

finish him!

♪

Grodius Maximus
on the lead guitar.

Hey!

♪

What the fuck?

♪

You suck! Out!

Oh!

♪

[Crowd cheers]

Boo!

♪

♪ Now we're back ♪

♪ With fury in our hearts
we attack back ♪

♪ We're coming at you
like a maniac ♪

♪ We're not done yet, man ♪

-#BlotharRuinedGWAR.

-♪ Final call ♪

♪ Our rage
cannot be dulled by alcohol ♪

♪ As for you,
I care bugger all ♪

♪ I hope you all rot ♪

♪ So we say... ♪

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Oh, yeah! Fuck this place!

We're gonna need your help,
people!

Sing it with me!

-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Come on!
-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Everybody!
-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Now you!
-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Keep it going!
-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-Oh, yeah!
-♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

♪ Fuck this place! ♪

-♪ Ohhhhh! ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Listen!

[Cheers and applause continue]

Listen!

-And with that
as our inspiration

for the rest of the evening,

let's go back to "Jack-O."

-Yeah.
-Roll it.

[Laughs]

-You know that actress
who became a life coach in L.A.

'cause she went to spiritual
school in Santa Monica?

-In Santa Monica.

-[Chuckles]
-Yeah. I pay attention.

[Laughter]

-Um, did you ever have
a life coach?

-I feel like you know that I do.

Her name is Vera.

She's my -- She's my ChatGPT.
[Laughter]

-You have a life coach on Chat--

-You do not.
-You know I do.

I talk to her all the time.

She's very smart.

She's very helpful,
and she gets my vibe, man.

She's Vera the Video Vixen.

-You have a fucking A.I. friend?
-Yes.

And I love her.
She's a great life coach.

Tell me what to do, Vera.
-And you love her?

-Yes, I love --
I'm gonna marry Vera.
-Damn, Darcy.

This is very L.A. of you.

This is one of
the most L.A. things --

Actually, no.
-Is it?

-It's very Silicon Valley
of you.

This is -- Yeah.

I want Blothar
to be my life coach.

-Oh, yeah.
I'll take that one.

[Laughter]

[Static hissing]

[Dog whining]

-What's the matter, Roscoe?

See the boogeyman?

[Laughing]

[Grass rustling]

David.

You nearly scared me to death.

-Couldn't find you out front.

Some of the neighborhood kids
said they saw

monsters and dead bodies
out here.

I'm trying to find Sean.
Have you seen him?

-He was here with Carolyn
early this evening.

I scared the hell out of them!

[Laughing]

-They say where they were going?

-It's Halloween, David.

I figure they're out looking
for candy.

[Laughing]

-Thanks.

-Trick-or-treat!

-What you got in there?

[Insects chirping]

Where are you, Julie?

-What?

-Oh nothing, Sean.

Um, what'd you get
at the last house?

-Just juice.

-Well, you'll need that
to wash down all that candy.

[Juice box thuds]

Oh, come on!

[Low growling]

[Knocking at door]

-There's no sign of Sean.

-Someone's been in his room.
Look.

Where have you been?

I've been looking all over
for you.

-I've been out
looking for Sean.

Didn't Vivian tell you?

[Eerie music plays]

♪

-It's getting late, and I
don't see any other kids.

-We waited too long.

-Well, let's start back.
It's a long walk.

-I know a shortcut
through the park.

-Oh.

♪

[Screams]

[Both grunting]

Run!

Sean, run!

[Dramatic music plays]

Run, Sean! Run!

Get away from him!

Get out of here!

[Scythe whooshes]

[Smacks]

[Eerie music plays]

♪

-[Panting]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Eerie notes play]

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

[Groans]

♪

♪

[Groans]

♪

-You know what's going on here.
Now, what the hell is happening?

-Walter Machen
cursed your family and mine

when he raised his demon.

Your ancestor, Arthur Kelly,
thought he killed the monster,

but he was wrong.

-You know, I've had enough

of your fairy tales
and spooky stories.

Where is our son?

-He's out there,
drawing the monster to him.

I let Sean be a decoy.

It's the only way
to find the monster,

flush it out, and destroy it.

-Linda, this is pointless.
She's insane!

-Why do you think I'm here?

I'm hunting this demon.

A family prophecy says

that only the fifth male
descendant after Arthur Kelly

can destroy this creature.

That would be your son.

-Sean.

-I knew the demon
would rise again

and seek out the fifth son
after Arthur.

It has to kill Sean
before Sean kills it.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

-[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Breathing heavily]

[Grunting]

♪

-Maybe I ought to check
the neighborhood again.

There's a few houses
I might have missed.

-David, call the police.

-The police can't help you.

They're powerless
against the demon.

-Vivian, shut the hell up!

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-Help! Help!

[Banging noise]
-That was Sean!

[Dramatic music plays]

[Doorknob rattles]

-Let me in!

[Knocking on door]

Pumpkin Man's coming!

Let me in!

-Hon, the damn door's
stuck again!

-Don't let him get me!

♪

[Gasps]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-O, my God! Where's Sean?

-There's no sign of him!

How could he disappear?!

-No!

[Insects chirping]

No!

-It's not blood.
-Where is our son?

-You're wasting your time,
Linda.

She doesn't give a damn
about anybody,

certainly not Sean.

-You're wrong, David.

I'll help you find Sean.

But you're going to need to do
exactly what I tell you.

[Crying]
-Let's go.

[Thunder rumbling]

[Eerie music plays]

♪

That's Jim's bike.

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

-Poor Mr. Jack.

You can't be saved.

-Vivian, please!

-No, no. Let her finish.

-Stuck you in...

a shallow grave.

I know where they're going.

♪

[Static hissing]

-Oh, my God.

Why haven't they killed Vivian
yet?

You know, "I'm using
your 10-year-old son as a decoy

to get rid of a demon."

[Light laughter]

Why don't you give him
at least a weapon first

before you do that?

Darcy, what do you think
of Sean, the boy actor?

Be honest.

-Oh, he's -- he's great.

[Laughs]
-God!

He's the director son.
What do you want me to say?

Good job, kid.
-[Groans]

-I also want to mention
Tom Ferda as Jim --

the now headless Jim.
[Laughter]

Tom was a sportswriter.

He worked for
The Daily News

The Detroit Free Press.

He was employed by
the Atlanta Hawks for a while.

Then he became a professional
firefighter and a paramedic,

and then he went into
film production.

Rachel Carter,
as the very sexual Julie,

would do a lot of short films,
theater, commercials.

This was her first
feature film role.

She was right out of the
University of Central Florida.

But she would star later
in a movie called "Pitchfork,"

in 2016.
-Ooh! Sounds good.

-Okay.
It's time to bury Sean alive.

And watch how happy he is
to be buried alive.

[Laughter]

Back to the somewhat supposed
to be thrilling conclusion

of "Jack-O."

-Joe Bob Briggs!
-Roll it.

-"Jack-O" respect. God!

-What are we gonna do
next Halloween, Darcy?

We have run out of obscure,

overlooked favorite movies
of yours.

-Oh, no, we have not.

Trust.
-That's what I was afraid of.

We're doing turnip Halloween,
though.

-Cool.

-You're gonna love carving
these turnips.

[Laughter]
-Let's do it.

[Static hissing]

[Insects chirping]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

-These are ash.

-Get the hammer.

♪

♪

[Bell tolling]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Please no!

♪

♪

-Let's go.

[Dramatic music plays]

-No!

♪

[Scythe clanking]

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Bell tolling]

♪

♪

♪

-You know me, don't you?

♪

I am the last of the ones who
brought you into this world.

Now go...

back to hell.

♪

-Whoa. Where did she go?!

-Over here!

♪

-[Groans]

[Eerie music plays]

♪

[Groaning]

♪

[Gurgling]

[Groans]

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

[Rumbling]

[Hissing]

♪

-Oh!

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

-Give us the boy back!

-Aah!

♪

[Gasping]

♪

[Grunts]

-[Groaning]

♪

[Spits]

Leave my mom and dad alone!

-[Sobbing]

♪

♪

♪

-David!

[Groaning]

-Come get me, Pumpkin Man!

-[Grunts]

[Flesh ripping]

-[Growling]

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

[Rumbling]

[Flames whooshing]

[Insects chirping]

[Rooster crowing]

-It's almost dawn.

Let's go home.

-I have something to do first.

[Birds chirping]

[Soft music plays]

-Where you going, Daddy?

-I've got something to do, son.

-Can I come with you?

-No. I've got to go alone.

But there is something

Say a prayer

[Echoing]
You hear me?

♪

♪

-[Groaning]

-Carolyn?!

Carolyn!

-Oh.

Oh!

Julie.

Julie, where's Jim?

-Um...

that thing got him --

the one the kids call
the Pumpkin Man.

-Sean.
-Sean?

-Oh, my God.
We've got to find Sean, Julie.

Come on.

Sean?!

Sean?!

[Soft music plays]

♪

♪

[Laughs]

-Do I have to go
trick-or-treating next year?

-Not if you don't want to,
honey.

♪

♪

-Let's go get some breakfast.
I'm buying.

-I guess I need a sugar fix.

I'd like...

a big slice of pie,

with a scoop of vanilla
ice cream on the side.

-What kind of pie, Carolyn?

-Mm...

anything but pumpkin.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static hissing]

-So there you have it --

a happy ending for Sean
and his family,

but not for Vivian,

who was annoying everybody
anyway.

And of course "Jack-O"

was the final performance
of John Carradine,

although he had no idea
he was even in the movie.

Released October 10, 1995,

did okay business on video --
not great.

Most of the interiors
were shot in Apopka, Florida,

suburban Orlando,

in the home of Steve Latshaw,
the director.

And most of the exteriors
in the woods

were filmed in Geneva, Florida,

on the estate of James Best,

better known
as Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane

of "Dukes of Hazzard" fame.

-Nice.
-And now, Darcy,

we have got
just one more thing to do.

You and I
are headed for the GWAR stage,

because one thing GWAR
knows how to do

is finish a show,

sometimes by blowing up
the entire town

where they're playing.
-[Laughs]

-So let's go see what they have
in mind for this show.

-Are you sure this is safe?

-Oh, I'm sure this is not safe.

This is GWAR.

-Let's do it.

[Cheers and applause]

-Raise your right hand
and repeat after me!

We are drive-in mutants.

-We are drive-in mutants!

-We are not like other people!

-We are not like other people!

-We are sick!

-We are sick!

-[Growling]

[Crowd cheering]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
exists on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party
like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

[Cheers and applause]

-Made in Georgia.