Original subtitles

♪

♪

[Lightning crashes]

[Maniacal laughter]

♪

♪

-You know what's been missing from the last ten Halloweens,

Darcy? -Nothing.

Halloween is the greatest holiday, period.

-What's been missing, Darcy, is satanic goat-head orgies.

-I'm sure there were a few of those.

-You're missing my point.

At one time, it was all about the satanic goat-head orgy.

Decapitations, human sacrifice,

slime-spewing creatures from the other side

that would eat children,

not take children to Michael's craft store

to buy construction paper

so they can make a happy-face pumpkin collage.

-There are many ways to celebrate Halloween.

-Darcy, they are doing Halloween cupcake bake-offs this year.

-Yeah, and I love those.

-They're having costume contests for poodles.

-And how adorable is that?

-Where's the blood, Darcy?!

Where are the intestines?!

Where's the slime glopola?

When was the last time you saw somebody

disemboweled on Halloween?

-Well, I live near Hollywood Boulevard,

so, you know, it happens.

-Do you know, Darcy, that kids go out trick-or-treating

in broad daylight... in the church parking lot?

The grown-ups decorate the backs of their minivans

so the kids will feel it's spooky

getting candy between a Subaru and a Honda Odyssey.

And in school next week, no fake blood allowed,

no toy weapons, no scary masks,

nothing associated with death, ghosts, Satan.

It's all banned in school.

I'm sure some schools require you to dress up

like a rainbow unicorn with a bow in your hair.

-And I love unicorns, too, so that's awesome.

-Do you know, Darcy,

that Target sells pumpkin-scented mop refills?!

-Yeah, and I am so here for that.

I love when they put all the new Halloween merch.

Like CVS, Cracker Barrel, Michael's...

-You know what else they sell? -What?

Allergy-friendly, gluten-free, organic non-candy.

You go to somebody's house dressed like a ghoul

and they give you raisins,

or they give you non-GMO fruit chews or pencils!

Fucking pencils, Darcy!

[Laughter]

-I think you need to calm down.

-Do you know cities have actual Halloween laws?

All trick-or-treating must be over by 8:00 p.m.

Nobody over the age of 12,

like 13-year-olds suddenly become The Purge.

And then if you go to the local haunted house,

you get chased around by a chubby guy

in a blood-spattered apron swinging a meat hook?

No, you do not!

You stand there looking at an animatronic skeleton

singing the "Baby Shark" song.

-Well, I like both,

but there is some truth in what you're saying.

-Okay, then.

Here at "The Last Drive-In,"

we are not celebrating the defanged, deblooded,

sanitized Halloween.

The reason this year's Halloween special

is called "Splatterween"

is that we're going to get nasty.

And to do that, I want you to come with me, Darcy.

Come with me right now.

I'm going to show you something.

You can keep your gluten-free candy corn

that smells like an aromatherapy candle at a yoga retreat.

You can keep your Instagram photo-ops

with your babies dressed up like souvenirs from an Etsy shop.

You can keep your goddamn pumpkin-spice dog treats.

We're showing "Clown in a Cornfield"

and "Jack-O" tonight.

The first movie is about a psycho stalking teens

in a blood-soaked farm town in Missouri.

The other is about a demon pumpkin man summoned from hell

by a drunk warlock on Halloween night.

And to create the real spirit of Halloween,

I called up my buddies,

the intergalactic warriors who live in Richmond, Virginia,

and I asked them to bring some fear, some filth, and some fun.

Of course you know who I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the original on-stage slime spewers,

the band that made history

when Charlotte police seized a cuttlefish and shut down a show

because they thought pretending that a cuttlefish is a penis

is a jailable offense.

The band whose costumes got banned from the Grammys,

the band of alien warlords

that love to decapitate politicians on stage,

throw blood and mucus on the first 30 rows of the audience,

and create an atmosphere so chaotic

it is like watching an AEW pay-per-view

from the front row while listening to Slayer on 78 rpm.

They are the conquering outer space army of heavy metal.

They have created more gore effects

than a 500-title Lucio Fulci box set.

They have used more foam rubber

than the porn industry in the 1980s.

They are the scumdogs of the universe.

They are here to pump up the holiday.

They are Gwar!

[Cheers and applause]

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in and he's hangin' around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and mo' ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ It's a spooky marathon with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show, it's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In show ♪

♪ Let's go! ♪

♪

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you!

-Alright, now that we are in the mood,

let's look at those drive-in totals

for "Clown in a Cornfield,"

which is the sensitive story of...

a clown in a cornfield.

The best movie ever made

that climaxes in an abandoned corn-syrup factory.

And we have 14 dead bodies, 1 dead raccoon,

2 rager hoedowns in a cornfield barn,

pitchfork to the belly twice,

chainsaw to the tummy,

clown parade float decapitation,

knife to the neck, arrow to the back,

arrow to the forehead,

sewage pipe crawling,

throat slashing, blood spewing,

emergency clown surgery at clown knifepoint.

gratuitous teen bonding over shared familial trauma,

gratuitous miniature jack-in-the-box,

gratuitous YouTube channel, head rolls,

squeaky clown shoe fu, crossbow fu, cattle prod fu,

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for...

Kevin Durand as the mayor

for yelling the ultimate insult,

"A blighted crop is what you are."

Will Sasso as Sheriff Dunne for hating Gen Z.

Aaron Abrams, the new doctor in town

for saying, "Fuck the Hippocratic Oath."

Cassandra Potenza as the blonde who can kick ass.

Verity Marks as the freak-out girl.

Vincent Muller as the twisty savior.

Carson MacCormac as the rich kid who knows what's going on.

Katie Douglas as the final girl with an attitude.

Adam Cesare for writing the best-selling

young-adult novel.

And Eli Craig, the director,

for doing things the Drive-In way.

Four stars.

Joe Bob says, check it out.

And we are going to talk to Adam and Eli later tonight.

Wish we could get them up on the Gwar stage,

have everybody in one, big happy family.

-Maybe we can. We should -- all of us should get splattered.

-The Gwar Army brought in a bunch of pressurized canisters.

They have got at least 500 gallons of blood

out there in the alley. -No way.

-Yeah, I mean, Gwar does not mess around with blood, Darcy.

They're doing their new song, too, "Lot Lizard."

They're doing "Lot Lizard" later tonight.

-Yay! -It's amazing.

Have you heard the song? -No. Not yet.

-You know what a lot lizard is, right?

-It's a truck-stop ho, right?

-Yeah, a ho in a truck stop.

And there aren't enough tribute songs to lot lizards.

-That is true.

-Gwar has captured the essence of lot lizardom

in just one song.

-Amazing.

♪

[Static hisses]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dummy's "What Do I Owe" plays]

♪

-♪ Standard screen ♪

♪ Technicolor smile ♪

♪ Say what you mean ♪

♪ And no one dares touch that dial ♪

♪ Your smiling face ♪

♪ Never meant a thing to me ♪

[Music box tinkling]

♪

[Clown laughs]

♪

-[Giggles]

♪

♪

-Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna get high.

♪

Yeah, yeah, w-we can get high later.

♪

[Belches]

♪

Jessica!

♪

Jessica.

♪

It's not funny.

♪

Jesus Christ, Jessica, what fucking size shoe do you have?

Oh, come on.

♪

[Cornstalks rustling]

[Footstep crunches]

Jess?

-[Grunts]

-Oh, no.

You get high already?

Whoa! -Oh, fuck.

[Weakly] Run.

♪

♪

-[Whimpers]

♪

-[Bird squawking] -Oh! Aah! Aah!

♪

[Shoe squeaks]

What the fu--

Aaah!

♪

♪

[Eric B and Rakim's

"I Ain't No Joke" plays]

♪

-♪ I ain't no joke ♪

♪ I used to let the mic smoke ♪

♪ Now I slam it when I'm done and make sure it's broke ♪

♪ When I'm gone no one gets on ♪

♪ 'Cause I won't let nobody press up ♪

♪ And mess up the scene I set ♪

♪ I like to stand in a crowd ♪

♪ And watch the people wonder "Damn!" ♪

♪ But think about it, then ya understand ♪

♪ I'm just an addict addicted to music ♪

♪ Maybe it's a habit, I gotta use it ♪

♪ Even if it's jazz or the quiet storm ♪

♪ I hook a beat up, convert it into hip-hop form ♪

♪ Write a rhyme in graffiti ♪

♪ And every show you see me in deep concentration ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm no comedian ♪

♪

-Oh, please God, Dad, no more '80's rap.

-It's dope. -You do realize

that the '80s are as far away from me

as the '40s were to you, right?

-What? That is not true. -Do the math.

♪

-Shit.

Oh. Well, uh, we're here.

♪

-Wow.

It's, uh...

[Birds chirp]

It's big.

[Hinges creak]

Ugh! -The town's previous doctor

used to live here before he moved away.

-Sure he didn't die in here?

-Yeah, that doesn't [Clears throat] smell great.

But I think we just crack a window.

It'll be fine. -There's no cell service.

-What? No, no, no. That's not...

I mean, I told them --

Come on.

-Did you even look at this place before you bought it, Dad?

-I...

Quinn, look, I wasn't in town for very long --

-[Flies buzzing] -Ugh!

♪

Uh...careful.

♪

♪

-Aah! -Get back!

-Good to go, Doc. Just get that chimney capped.

-Okay, yeah. Great. Thank you.

♪

[Truck door shuts, engine starts]

♪

♪

♪

[Mother Mother's

"Get Out of the Way" ]

♪ Hey, there's something in the way ♪

♪ Oh, it's just me and my brain ♪

♪ Look, there's an elephant in the room ♪

♪ And I'll write the perfect song for the perfect day ♪

-Morning, Dad.

-Oh, hey. Morning, Quinn.

-Are you good? -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm great.

How are you?

Oh. Uh, yeah.

-Good. -Good.

-We're gonna be okay.

-You sure? -Yeah. Are you kidding me?

Look at this place. It looks like a home-makeover

dream come true.

-Hey, it's your first day. Let me drive you to school.

-Dad, I am 17 years old. I don't need a ride.

I need a car.

-I hear you. Absolutely. But in the meantime --

-I'm just gonna walk.

-Okay, well, I'm sorry about breakfast.

I'll, um, I'll get groceries after work.

-Okay. Do you think Wi-Fi might be more important?

-Yes, I hear you. I will get on that.

Have a great day at school.

Make new friends. -Not a chance.

[Gasps] -Oh, hi.

Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

I saw you were new to the neighborhood, and I reckoned --

-Ow! Sorry. Hey, is everything alright?

-Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's just a neighbor.

-Ruston Vance.

But everyone around here just calls me Rust.

-Oh, I'm Dr. Maybrook.

This is my daughter, Quinn.

Uh, she's about to head off to school.

Do you want to walk her?

-That's exactly why I'm here, sir.

♪

-Okay, cool. Let's do it.

♪

♪

So, what do you guys do around here for fun?

-Oh, um, I might not be the best person to ask.

I mean, the hunting and fishing's good,

if you like that sort of thing.

Ducks are in season.

♪

Shit.

-What? -The look on your face.

I guess I'm not doing any good for stereotypes.

-[Scoffs] No.

-Not everyone's a redneck here.

I just don't really care what other people think.

[Bass thumps]

♪

Unlike some people.

So I guess I'll see you around. Nice meeting you, Quinn.

-Yeah. Thanks, dude.

-Oh, and, uh, be careful who you hang out with.

There's some real weirdos at this school.

-[Chuckles] Okey-dokey, Rust.

Thank you. I will keep an eye out for them.

-Just because it's Founder's Day tomorrow

doesn't mean that there won't be a test on Monday.

[Students groan]

Listen, you kids are spoiled rotten.

Back when I was in school, we had a lot tougher than you do.

-Hi.

-Sorry, I'm -- -Late.

Take a seat.

-Okay.

-As I was saying, you kids are graduating this year and --

-I'm graduating? Sick, man.

[Laughter]

-Assuming you manage to land a job,

which for some of you might be a long shot,

what do you think happens on Monday morning every week?

You go to work,

and work is neither easy nor fun.

In fact, sometimes it can be downright miserable.

[Laughter]

Okay, this is not funny.

Who did this?

Nobody?

Alright, well, clear your desks.

We'll do the test now. -[Students groan]

You brought this on yourselves.

It's time your generation learned some consequences.

-Uh, Mr. Vern,

that's not fair to the new girl.

-Well, that's the price of being late.

-Oh, they put the wrong room number on my schedule, so --

-You know what? Detention for you.

-What?! -Anyone else?

-Come on. Chill. She didn't actually do anything.

-Oh, well, then you can console her this afternoon, Mr. Hill.

In detention.

-Really? -Mm.

-Wow. You're on fire today, Mr. Vern.

-Try me. Anyone else?

[Laughter]

What is so funny?

-This isn't the test, Mr. Vern.

-Of course it's the test.

-Actually, I think it's your dating profile.

[Laughter]

-If one of these leaves this room,

you will all be suspended.

I will end you!

-[Chuckling] He's actually losing his mind.

-Do you know what?

-Already 3,000 views.

Wow. His meltdown is a hit.

-Man, I'm still trying to figure out what I did.

-He's just a bitter, old man. -He hates us.

And so we hate him back. Only more. It's fun.

I'm Janet, by the way.

And that's Ronnie, Tucker, Matt, and --

-I'm Cole.

-I'm Quinn.

-Where are you from?

-Philly, actually. -Philly.

-Yeah, my dad got put in the witness protection program,

so we were just laying low for a little while.

I'm kidding, obviously.

[Laughter]

-So, is Kettle Springs

everything you expected it to be?

-Man, it looks like it's stuck in the '90s.

-It still is the '90s for everyone over 30.

-Yeah, they're really big on tradition around here.

-Yeah. Founder's Day, right?

I keep seeing that. What is that?

-That is a stupid holiday

my family invented to celebrate...corn.

-His dad is the local oligarch.

-My great-grandfather invented Baypen corn syrup,

like, 100 years ago. -Whoa.

-Every year, there's this parade

where everyone gathers around a Frendo float

and worships him.

-Frendo?

-It's the clown on all the Baypen labels.

He's practically a local legend.

-Which is why we turned him into a serial killer.

-On our YouTube channel.

-65,000 subscribers.

-No shit?

-Do you wanna see some of our work?

-Hell, yeah.

-I work the night shift

here at the Baypen factory.

The power just went out,

and I swear

I just heard someone laughing.

There shouldn't be anyone here.

♪

Okay. Oh.

[Maniacal laughter]

♪

Did you just hear that?

I gotta get the power back on.

♪

Okay.

♪

Shit! It's Frendo!

♪

[Clown cackling]

♪

-God, look at these prices.

-It's $10 for a Salisbury steak and a free side.

Think you can get off your phone, Quinn?

-Hmm? Yeah.

♪

-You missing your friends?

-Mm-hmm.

-Is that why you were acting out today?

School called.

Detention on your first day is not really like you.

-Dad, the teacher was a total dick.

-Okay. -[Clears throat]

-Y'all ready to order? -Yeah. No, actually, um,

I would love just one more second with this menu.

It's my first time here. -Aww.

Take all the time you need, Doc.

-Thank you.

Can you please try and be a little bit more respectful?

This is, like, the only place in town.

-What? Tell me there's at least a grocery store, right?

-Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, I just --

I didn't get a chance to go yet because the cable guy was late.

-Does that mean we have Wi-Fi?

-You're welcome.

[Chuckling] Oh! Who is this person?

Have you seen my daughter?

She's like -- She's like about your height.

-I think she's a little taller than that.

-Hi, George. The usual?

-You mind putting some extra cheese

on that potato tonight, Trudy?

-Oh, you got it, darling.

-Thank you, doll.

Hey, you must be the new doc.

Dr. Maybrook. -Yes, sir. Call me Glenn.

-Hey, Sheriff Dunne.

-Hi. This is, uh, my daughter, Quinn.

-Nice to meet you, sweetheart.

I saw that new sign on your practice.

When y'all fittin' to take new patients?

-Oh. Uh, yeah, I'm gonna start tomorrow morning.

-Oh, okay. Well, I might be first in line.

I got a plantar's wart the size of Texas.

[Chuckles]

I'll tell you what.

Folks around here have been hurting

ever since that factory burned down.

It's been a real mess, yeah.

♪

-Sheriff.

♪

-Sorry about that, Doc.

Been having some problems with our local teenagers lately.

I recommend you stay away from that crowd, sweetheart.

-[Chuckles] -Thank you.

That's some good advice.

Uh, do you want to join us, Sheriff?

-Oh, that's mighty kind of you. Don't mind if I do.

-Great.

-What are you doing?

-Um, I actually just realized I'm not that hungry.

-You don't have to -- -You sure about that?

I tell you what. Kettle Burger's are the best you'll ever have.

I guarantee it. -I bet.

I don't really eat anything with a face right now, though.

-She's -- She's a vegetarian. -Oh, yeah.

Well, her generation's got to save the world

one cow at a time, right? [Laughs]

-Okay, you guys have a really good time.

I'm gonna go. -Okay.

-See you at home, Dad. -Quinn, you don't have to --

-Hey, gotta let them go someday, Doc.

-Oh, look who's coming.

-That was quick. -Yeah.

I was about to assault an officer.

-Oh, Minnie Mouse is so tough.

I bet Sheriff Dunne was trembling.

-I mean, you should try and avoid Sheriff Dunne.

That guy's got it out for us.

-Hey, you don't have fake ID, do you, new girl?

-Oh, yeah, actually I do.

Uh, it's just in some boxes back at my house.

-Bullshit. -Guys, we don't need fake IDs.

I got my guns.

These guns.

-Oh, my God, you are such a loser.

I'm pretty sure your guns aren't gonna get us drunk.

-Speak for yourself.

-My God. Guys, chill.

Matty and I got this. Watch and learn, boys and girls.

Watch and learn.

-[Laughs]

-That is no way to treat money!

-Even if it was yours,

you couldn't spend it.

[TV clicks off]

-Where are you from? -Hmm?

Oh, I'm from the East Coast.

-East Coast? Damn, that's pretty far.

-My grandmother? Really? My grandmother? How could you?

-Look, sorry. I've got a thing for old ladies.

-Oh, really? -Can't blame a brother.

-Hey, hey! Stop that!

-Dude plowed my Grandma Gladys.

-It's not like that, Matty.

It was magical. I'm in love. -Oh, yeah?

-Hey, hey, hey! You gotta take this

and your grandma-loving asses outside!

-And it's a miracle, but she's pregnant.

-What?! -And I'm gonna marry her.

-You think you can fuck my grandma?!

-I'm gonna be your granddaddy, buddy.

-No!

-Come on, man, let's go.

Come on.

♪

-To Otis!

-The best damn store clerk

Kettle Springs could ever ask for.

And to Matt's sexy grandmother, Gladys.

-Oh.

-Grandma Gladys! -Grandma Gladys!

-Grandma Gladys!

-Oh, my God. -Oh, man.

-Ronnie, you couldn't have stolen

anything better than this?

-Oh, it was the first thing I grabbed.

-Oh, for the record,

I paid for at least twice of what we stole.

-Oh, Cole, you're so amazing.

-Man, he thought that the East Coast

was somewhere real far away.

Did you hear him say that?

-I mean, it kind of is.

Both coasts are. They call us flyover country.

-Oh, fuck that.

-Yeah, man, people don't know what they're missing.

This place is like paradise.

[Howls]

Hey, baby? -Yeah.

-I gotta go piss. -Classy as always, man.

-Thanks, man.

Hey, uh, don't roofie my drink when I'm gone.

-No guarantees.

♪

-So, uh, the sheriff was saying

that the factory burnt down recently?

♪

-Uh, yeah.

♪

We, um, we filmed one of our videos in there.

We snuck in. We shouldn't have, I know,

but...we didn't actually start the fire.

♪

-Who did? -Nobody.

Faulty wiring, official conclusion.

-But it's too big a coincidence,

so nobody believes that.

-Including us.

♪

-What, do you think someone set you up?

♪

-Aaah!

-Okay, what in the fuck was that?

-Aah!

♪

-Oh, my God.

♪

♪

[Screaming]

-Quinn, Quinn-- -[Gasps]

It's not -- It's --

[Laughter]

-Smile, Philly girl.

You're about to become a YouTube sensation.

-We got you good.

-I can't believe she fell for that.

-You guys are fucking idiots. You know that?

You guys are all idiots.

-Welcome to the club.

[Static hisses]

-This is a dark ride

because we're taking a dark ride tonight, Darcy.

You know, this is not just our "Splatterween" holiday special.

This is the 200th movie

that we have shown on "The Last Drive-in."

Can you believe that?

-This is literally mind-boggling.

-"Tourist Trap."

We will always remember "Tourist Trap,"

the first movie that we ever hosted.

-We should bring it back.

-We never bring movies back.

But what would I say that I haven't already said

about "Tourist Trap"?

-I feel like maybe we know a little bit more

about what we're doing now.

-No, we still don't know what we're doing now.

-I said a little bit.

-I think we've already established

the demographics for this movie.

All the teenagers are smarter than the grown-ups,

so it has the telltale earmarks of young-adult horror --

YA, they call it,

which is not surprising since it was adapted from a novel

by YA author Adam Cesare.

Very nice guy who will be joining us shortly.

Um, and Gwar also will be with us all night, by the way.

-Whoo! -Yeah.

-Uh, this is one of those rare movies

where I already know the people.

Because we met Adam on opening weekend of the movie.

He was signing books at FrankenCon in Knoxville,

and I said to him,

"Shouldn't you be at some fancy place with the red carpet?"

But he seemed really happy just to know that the movie was out

and it was doing well.

-He's so laid-back about his success.

-He is. And then the director, Eli Craig,

made one of my all-time favorite horror comedies.

"Tucker & Dale vs. Evil." -Yeah!

-And, uh, he came to my show "How Rednecks Saved Hollywood"

when I did it in Telluride, Colorado.

We were both there for an event.

And, uh, afterwards,

he told me some great stories about his mom, Sally Field,

who was prominently mentioned in my show.

Anyway, Darcy, what did you think

the first time you saw the title,

"Clown in a Cornfield"?

-I thought, I have got to see that.

I was intrigued,

especially because I love "Tucker & Dale" so much.

-So, it starts with the title, because you see that title

and you think "Children of the Corn,"

you think Pennywise, you think scarecrow movies.

Any kind of field is going to be spooky,

but especially the cornfields,

because they grow so high and you never know what's in them.

Did you ever play hide-and-seek in the cornfield

when you were a kid?

-No, not really. Just, like, corn mazes.

-Yeah, well, my mother -- I did,

and my mother hated cornfields.

You know, "Rattlesnakes love those cornfields,

so stay out of those cornfields."

Of course, then we would go in there looking for rattlesnakes.

But, anyway, "Clown in a Cornfield"

was a big theatrical hit

when it came out in May of this year.

I think they're already talking about a sequel,

which will be exceptionally easy to do,

since Adam has already written two, going on three,

more "Clown in a Cornfield" books.

And that's Katie Douglas in the lead role as Quinn,

the typical teenager forced to move to a new town,

in this case moving from Philadelphia to Missouri,

although the only reason I know it's Missouri

is I think the book version says Missouri.

I don't -- I'm not sure.

I don't remember whether they said it in the movie.

The movie could be anywhere in corn country, though.

Katie Douglas was 26, playing 17,

which is kind of typical for this kind of movie.

She was a precocious child actress in Toronto,

got special attention for her role

in a TV series called "Spooksville" in 2013 and 2014,

and then she became a favorite in movies of the week.

She was the movie-of-the-week girl.

Especially Lifetime Movies of the week,

which are mostly shot in Canada.

They shoot them all up there in Canada,

and apparently Lifetime loved making her a kidnap victim

because she did that twice.

She was in "Believe Me: the Abduction of Lisa McVey"

and "The Girl Who Escaped: The Carol Robinson Story."

All Lifetime movies need a colon.

"The stranger in My Bed: The Sally Wilson story," you know.

-You have already talked about this.

-I know I've talked about.

And the name after the colon is always somebody

you never heard of.

You know, "The Babysitter Wore Black:

The Rhonda Stevenson Story." You know.

-We know, you love Lifetime movies.

-I do love Lifetime movies.

But my point is,

everybody involved with this movie is from Canada.

Aaron Abrams, the physician father of Quinn.

He's a Toronto actor who's done a lot of Canadian TV.

Carson McCormac,

who plays Cole, the coolest of the cool kids,

is also a veteran of Canadian TV.

Will Sasso playing the sheriff.

He's one of the hardest-working actors in Canada.

He's everywhere. He was on "MADtv" for five years.

He's been around forever.

The director is that rarest of species,

a naturalized Canadian citizen.

You don't hear that often.

You know, the movie was shot in Winnipeg,

actually a small town outside Winnipeg called Stonewall,

which has a similar history to Kettle Springs,

the town in the movie.

Instead of a deteriorating corn-syrup town, though,

Stonewall is a deteriorating limestone town

because the lime quarries were shut down in 1967.

Anyway, as soon as the sheriff comes into that diner,

you get that feeling of, uh-oh,

something ain't right in this town,

right? -Right.

But we already know that because we know

we're going to see a clown in a cornfield.

-Yeah, we're going to see a clown in a cornfield, true.

But maybe the clown in the cornfield

is just on those YouTube videos that they make.

-No.

[Laughter]

-You knew that was a prank as soon as they did it, right?

-Yeah, it was a prank.

-The first one is always a prank.

-No, the first one was a kill.

The one before the titles.

The second one is always the prank.

-Okay, back to the movie.

Roll it.

And you look especially Halloweeny this year, Darcy.

You are a pumpkin and a clown...

-And a scarecrow. -And a scarecrow.

You're a walking, talking Stephen King collage,

aren't you? -Why, thank you, I think.

-[Laughs]

Does anybody in a horror movie ever go to a small town

and the town is friendly and progressive?

-Sure, but then they kill you, anyway.

-Exactly.

Go to a small town, you're dead.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static hisses]

-You must be counting the days till you can get out of here.

-No. -No?

-No. -Bullshit.

-Yes, I literally have a calendar in my room,

and I'm like, X-ing off the days.

I'm not even kidding. It's not a joke.

It's so sad. It's just like a red marker.

-So, what comes next, then? Just -- Just off to college?

-Uh, yeah. What about you? -No.

I got big plans for this town. -Really?

-Mm-hmm. -Like what?

-Burning it all to the fucking ground.

-I guess you're halfway there.

[Chuckles]

-So, it's just you and your dad here?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

My mom died of an overdose over the summer.

So, yeah, it's just us.

-[Sighs] Fuck.

I'm so sorry. -It's okay.

It's okay. No, no, no.

My dad had, like, a breakdown

and couldn't go back to the E.R.

Um, so...

I guess Kettle Springs just had an opening for a family doctor,

and, um...

♪

...here we are.

♪

-My younger sister died last summer, too.

♪

We used to hang out at this reservoir all the time, and...

♪

...she wanted to jump off the cliff into the water.

Just didn't jump far enough.

♪

-Uh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?

Because we have a fucking video to finish.

♪

-Okay.

[Roet's "If I Look Fine" plays]

-♪ If I look fine ♪

♪ That's how you know I'm not ♪

♪

♪ Slips through my fingers ♪

♪ Everything I've got ♪

♪

-Well, tonight was totally unexpected. [Chuckles]

-Yeah. -Total surprise.

-In like a good way, though, right?

-Yeah, in a good way. -Cool.

♪

-Thanks for listening to all my shit.

-Yeah. Same.

♪

-♪ If I look fine ♪

♪ That's how you know I'm not ♪

♪

-Shit! Fuck! -Hey, Quinn.

-What the hell? Do you know what time it is?

-Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

We were out, and I lost track of time.

-What? Oh, and you've been drinking.

Who are you?

-Uh, Cole Hill, sir. Uh...

Don't worry. I-I'm totally okay to drive.

I had two drinks in four hours.

-Yeah, that's two too many for somebody your age.

-Okay, but realistically, everyone drinks in high school.

That being said, it will never happen again.

-Yeah, it won't,

because you won't be seeing my daughter ever again.

-Dad, stop! -Go home now.

Go home! -Dad, can you stop?

-[Door slams] Oh, my God!

-Quinn, what are you doing? -Stop!

-[Sighs] -[Engine starts]

-It's not my fault the cell reception sucks here.

-You cannot run away without telling me where you're going.

-What, like how you just ran off and moved us

to the middle of nowhere without asking me about it?

-I asked you.

-Yeah, and I said I didn't want to go.

-Quinn, that's not fair.

I asked you, and you said that you'd be willing to go

if it's what I needed. -Exactly. Exactly.

If it's what you needed.

It never actually mattered what I wanted.

-That's not -- How can you say that?

Of course it matters. That's why I asked you

in the first place. -No, it isn't.

No, it never mattered what I wanted

because you fucking ran away.

We ran away

because I guess that's what we do now.

We just run away when things get hard

or scary or fucked up.

And I don't want to run anymore.

I just want to be okay!

♪

[Door slams]

♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

♪

♪

-[Screams]

-What in the fuck was that?

♪

-[Screams]

♪

-What the fuck?

♪

[Cellphone chimes, vibrates]

♪

[Beep]

♪

-No way.

♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

Cole.

♪

-It's payback time already, huh?

♪

Never prank the prankster.

♪

Alright, game on.

♪

[Objects clatter]

♪

[Cat meows, snarls]

♪

♪

Motherfuck.

Okay, guys, not cool.

♪

Matt...

♪

Shit. [Toilet flushes]

♪

Cole?

♪

Come on, man. I can hear you.

♪

Gotcha!

♪

Matt, I swear to God.

♪

[Plastic crinkles]

♪

Okay. Okay.

Nice touch with the plastic sheeting.

I like it.

♪

Fuck.

♪

What the hell?

♪

[Music box tinkles]

♪

What is this?

[Clown cackles]

Okay, y'all stepping it up with this one.

♪

[Shoes squeaking]

♪

-Try this on

and pray it fits because it's the last one.

-What the heck is going on with this?

-See? It fit perfect last year.

-This was my favorite damn jacket.

You must have washed it or something.

-Don't blame the dry cleaners.

You need to lay off that junk food.

-Junk...what?

-I'm just -- -Hey!

♪

Where do you think you're going?

♪

-To the parade.

-Not after detention, you're not.

-Dad, the whole class got detention.

I didn't even do anything wrong. Mr. Vern just hates us.

-Well, did you know

that Mr. Vern's brother committed suicide last month

when he lost his job at the factory?

-I'm sorry. I didn't know that.

-Oh. Okay.

♪

-That's not my fault.

-It's not your -- It's not his fault.

You know, you got to start taking some responsibility.

-It's nobody's fault, baby.

Sometimes things just happen.

-What are you doing? -Go on now.

Happy Founder's Day.

-I would like to welcome you all

to the 100th annual

Kettle Springs Founder's Day parade!

[Cheers and applause]

A hundred!

[Cheers and applause continue]

So, today we celebrate things that bring us together,

things that keep us together.

Like tradition.

Yeah, like hard work.

Like good, old small-town values!

[Cheers and applause]

♪

♪

Frendo!

♪

-Hey! -Hey.

-You guys figure out who that mystery Frendo is yet?

-No, but we were thinking it might be Rust.

-He and Cole used to be friends.

-Yeah, that guy. He's, um, a little off.

-Uh, he's very off.

-Yo, you guys seen Tucker anywhere?

-[Scoffs] No, he's being a text bitch.

-Okay, screw Tucker. We're doing another video.

-Really? Here? -Shut up.

It's gonna be hilarious, isn't it, Ronnie?

-Totally hilarious.

-Okay, you guys get the wide shot.

We're gonna get cutaways over there.

Yeah? Yeah. -We'll get cutaways.

-Okay.

[Applause]

-Hey. -Hey.

♪

-Get on my shoulders.

-You want me to do it? -Come on. Let's go.

♪

-Okay.

♪

[Chuckles]

-So...

I kind of throw this party every year after the parade.

-Yeah?

-Any chance your dad will let me take you with me?

-Oh, less than 0%. -Awesome.

I'll pick you up at 10:00.

♪

-Yo yo, yo. [Laughs]

Whoo-hoo!

-No fucking way!

[Horns honk]

Oh!

[Laughter]

Shit.

-Bozo, what do you think you're doing?

-Oh, no, no, no, no!

Ah, shit! Damn it!

Sorry, man!

[Crowd screams]

-Fuck.

♪

-What is going on?

♪

Hey!

♪

-Cole?

-Who the hell is responsible for this?

-I think we should get out of here.

♪

-Guys, what the fuck?

-Did you guys do that? -What the hell was that?

That was insane, right? -You did this!

-No, no, sir, I didn't do anything.

-Oh, the hell you didn't.

You probably already put it on the Internet.

-No, no, no, no.

We literally didn't do anything.

-You sabotaged Founder's Day.

Now sit in here and stew on it.

-Uh, Cole will call his dad.

-Good luck with that.

-I can't believe this is actually happening.

17 years old, and I've already hit rock bottom.

-He can't actually hold us here without charging us, right?

This feels illegal.

-Think he gives a shit about what's legal?

This is how it works in Kettle Springs.

-I am so dead.

-Yeah, you are dead.

♪

Never fuck with Frendo.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Snoring]

-Alright, you're free to go.

♪

Not you, Daryl.

♪

♪

-Dad...

♪

-What the hell, Quinn? -I know.

-I thought I told you to stay away from the Hill boy.

-He didn't do anything.

The fucking sheriff has it out to get him.

-Yeah, maybe because he burned down the factory

that employed half the town. -No, no, that was not his fault.

That was an electrical issue. It was a wire.

-He tell you that?

-No, they did a full investigation.

He's not a liar, Dad. He's not even a bad guy.

He's actually a really good guy. -You've known him for two days.

You end up in detention and now jail.

-Because the teacher is a f-- asshole.

-Oh, okay. -But -- so is the sheriff.

-Sure. -Dad...there is something

fucked up about the old people in this town.

-So, it's everybody else's fault. You know what?

You need to face consequences for your actions.

You're grounded until further notice.

-No, no, no, I am telling you, it was not --

Whose car is this, by the way?

-Yeah, it was gonna be a surprise,

but fat chance now.

-Seriously?

Fuck!

I don't even know how to drive stick.

-Yeah, I know you don't.

It's supposed to be, like, a bonding thing.

So you could experience all the joy and trauma of my generation.

-[Chuckles] Yeah, maybe some other time, Dad.

-Yeah.

I'm trying, Quinn.

[Engine starts]

[Haiku Hands' "Bye Bye"

plays]

-One.

[Grunts]

Two.

[Grunts]

Three.

♪

Yep, six.

-♪ Lean in, I do what I want and I won't ♪

♪ Backbeat, I'm free ♪

♪ Drop a knee for your soldier ♪

♪ Breathe in, I do what I want ♪

♪

♪ And I'm gonna do you ♪

♪

-Seriously, guys?

♪

Tucks?

♪

[Music box tinkling]

[Chuckles]

Check this out, Tucker.

Wherever you went.

♪

[Grunts]

One.

♪

Two.

♪

Three.

Four.

[Clown cackling]

[Grunts]

Five.

♪

Tucker, you asshole, man.

♪

-[Giggling]

-Take it, take it! I'm spent.

♪

[Chuckling] Yeah, very funny, motherfucker.

-[Laughing maniacally]

♪

-You fucking psycho!

Aaah!

♪

[Shoes squeak]

[Static hisses]

-Okay, you know, if anybody other than Eli Craig

was directing this movie, I would be going,

"You did what?

You made the Black guy the first to die,

and then you did the old 'jock killed by the bench press' gag?"

-But he changed it up. He put the hacksaw on it.

-He did put a hacksaw on the weight bar.

Apparently the world's most powerful hacksaw

because it hacked off Matt's head.

But we don't have to wonder about it anymore, though,

because the man himself is right here with us tonight.

Please welcome to "The Last Drive-In"

a writer/director that I greatly admire, Mr. Eli Craig.

Come on out, Eli. Come through the coffin.

-[Chanting] Eli! Eli! -Oh. Oh, God.

It's great to be here, you guys!

-Yeah! -Cheers!

-You had me back there a while.

-I know. -Good to see you, Eli.

-He's hungover now.

-Eli, you killed the Black guy first.

-Yeah, yeah.

You know, I had to go back to throwback days.

It was like '80's-style horror.

-You were being meta, right?

-Yeah. That's right. -You had to be meta.

-I was embracing, you know, what used to be kind of,

and just saying, if you're going to switch it up today,

you got to go back to the way it was.

-Okay, and then you killed the jock second.

-Yeah. You know, well, it was only because he pissed me off.

That guy? I couldn't stand him.

So, Alex, you're out of here, man.

-When does the stoner die?

Oh, you can't kill the stoner

because the lead characters are already stoners, right?

-You know, they basically were all stoners,

so they're all going one at a time, you know?

-Alright, Eli -- -I'm killing myself off then.

-The movie was -- We're kidding you.

-Are we? -The movie was shot in Winnipeg.

Um, even though it's supposedly about the evils

of American high-fructose corn syrup, right?

Is that what it's about? -It is a lot about that.

-Actually, let's talk about that first.

The evil grown-ups in this story,

they're not corn farmers,

and they're not Satan-worshipping demons

with a corn god.

It's some alien species

that invented high-fructose corn syrup.

It's not -- It's not about the corn.

It's about the corn syrup.

So, are all the grown-ups deranged

from excessive high-fructose corn syrup?

-It was the GMOs. The GMOs.

This is all about GMOs.

You got to cut it out of corn.

There's too much happening with corn nowadays.

They're messing with it.

-And you have this all-Canada cast,

all-Canada locations.

And you're Canadian!

-I became Canadian in May,

and we shot this thing in, uh, October,

so I figured I'd do a tribute to Canadians.

-You grew up in LA.

-I know. I'm a man of the world.

-A lot of -- [Laughter]

A lot of people say, "I'm moving to Canada.

I just don't like it here. I'm moving to Canada."

But you actually did it.

You actually did it, and you became Canadian.

-It is for no reason other than my wife is Canadian,

and it's a lot easier to make movies in Canada.

-I was wondering!

You got the Canadian citizenship so you could get that money!

[Laughter]

-You know, I will say also,

"Tucker & Dale" was shot in Canada.

-Okay. -So, whatever it takes.

-That's a good reason to change nationalities.

Get that government movie money.

Alright, Eli, I want to go into the background of the movie,

but we have to talk about "Tucker & Dale vs. Evil."

I'm sorry. You're here.

We have to ask you about "Tucker & Dale vs. Evil."

You made one of the funniest comedies

in the history of the world,

and then we don't hear about you for a while after that.

Were you trying to make your next one?

Were you trying to make "Tucker & Dale 2"?

You're from a show-business family.

You grew up in Burt Reynolds' house, right?

-Not exactly. Not exactly.

-Why don't you end up -- -I was banished from the house.

I was in the pool. -Okay.

-In the pool house with the doors locked.

-Alright. Why don't you end up being paid millions

to direct mainstream Hollywood comedies?

-Because I'm a rebel. I don't want to --

I don't want to do it their way. I want to do it my way.

And my way is in a little, remote town

in the cornfields of Canada.

-[Laughs] -I rejected the millions,

and now I'm wondering about it.

Making my mind churn here.

The truth being, the truth is, after I did "Tucker & Dale,"

it was a little bit heartbreaking

because I thought it was going to be

the next big horror comedy.

And for the first couple of years, it wasn't.

-It should have been.

-It should. -Why wasn't it? What happened?

Did you have the worst people in the world marketing that movie?

-You know, I ain't going to say it,

but you're free to.

-It's so cult now, though. Like, people love it.

-Yeah, but that didn't help you.

-It helped your legacy. -It's ten years later.

-His legacy. -It's a great cult movie.

-It helps my soul. My soul feels good.

You know, look, I've seen, like you said,

I've seen the Burt Reynolds of it.

Those guys deteriorate as they get older

because they did it all for the money.

I do it for the soul, right? -Okay.

-I do it for just the vibe.

I'm doing it community service. Okay?

But after "Tucker & Dale," it took me a while to go,

"What else am I going to do?"

-Alright.

We've been trying to get "Tucker & Dale vs. Evil"

on this show forever.

I don't know who ended up with the rights to it,

but they don't want to give them to us.

So, whatever you can do, whatever you can do, Eli,

we would appreciate it.

Tell them you want it to be on this show.

-I will.

-But we're going to go back to the movie now

and then, and we're also going to revisit the Gwar rave

that's going on right outside these studio doors over here.

Let's go. -Let's do it!

-Alright. Roll the movie.

[Laughter]

You know, actually, you came to my redneck show in Telluride.

-It was so good.

-Because we were both there in Telluride to do something.

But after you were at the show, I added to the show --

-I was going to ask!

-...an 18-second clip from "Tucker & Dale."

-Thank you! -That's my trigger warning.

That's my trigger-warning show.

It's the scene where the guy doesn't know

how to use the trigger.

-You used that one?

-It gets a huge laugh every single time.

-It gets a huge laugh. -Like, huge.

-And it's the only clip in the show --

there's like, 200 clips in the show.

It's the only clip in the show

where I don't have to tell the audience,

"That was from 'Tucker & Dale.'"

They already know that clip was from "Tucker & Dale."

-That was such a good one because you're just --

you know they're dead meat, right?

What can you do?

And then, because I grew up with guns, I was like, "Oh."

-You grew up with guns? -Yeah.

My dad was like, would take us out shooting guns in the hills

and we would just shoot, well, mostly beer bottles,

and he'd get drunk and load up our guns.

We had a Winchester rifle, which was pretty cool.

-Okay. Did mom go along? -Bunch of handguns.

What's that? -Did Mom go along with you?

-She was not. She was very upset about those trips.

-Oh, really? -They were very --

-Because she was the Flying Nun at that time.

-They were very divorced.

-She couldn't be seen with a gun.

-No, she was anti-gun.

So, I would come home smelling like gunpowder,

and she'd get all pissed off.

We should be recording this.

[Laughter]

-Okay.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static hisses]

[Anthony Lazaro's "A Thousand

Little Fires" plays]

♪

♪ Creepers left and right, buzz like crazy ♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪ Everybody's trying to steal my lady ♪

♪ Spot us in the mirror and think this can't be right ♪

♪

♪ Back to the scene of a Friday night ♪

♪ To a blessed collision still froze in time ♪

[Whooshing]

♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

[TV playing quietly]

♪

-I can't believe we're doing this right now.

My dad is actually gonna kill me.

-No. -He's actually gonna kill me.

-He's not gonna find out.

And even if he does,

I've already got a sober ride home planned.

So, at least he'll know you were disobeying him responsibly.

-Responsibly, okay. -Responsibly.

-That's very reassuring. Thank you.

-You're welcome. -What?

What is that?

-That is what I wanted to show you.

Isn't it cool? Some Baypen schwag for you.

-Yeah, it is really cool. Where did you get it from?

-Oh, they have that kind of stuff all over town.

-Yeah?

♪

Like your psycho Frendo costume? Where'd you get that?

-I'm OG Kettle Springs, baby. I got all kinds of stuff.

♪

-Does it work?

-Try it.

[Music box tinkling]

♪

-Look out!

[Tires screech]

Fuck!

♪

-Rustin?

What the hell, man? It's Saturday night.

-I fell asleep in the tree stand.

When I woke up, there he was.

-You know, that's barely a four-pointer.

-It's a month of free dinner with my pops out of work.

-Rust, Quinn.

-Uh, yeah, we met actually.

Hi, again. I'm Quinn.

-Uh, Rust and I used to, uh, go hunting together.

Well, we're heading to the hoedown.

I'd tell you to come join us,

but it looks like you got to go beat your meat.

-Hey, did you tell Quinn you used to practice

your boy-band dance moves in the mirror?

-Later, Rust.

-Be careful, Quinn.

♪

♪

♪

-Come on.

♪

-What do I gotta do to see some of these dance moves?

-Look, all I'm saying is,

don't challenge me to a dance-off.

-Challenge accepted. You're a big talker. I like it.

Are you sure the owners are okay with us being here?

-Oh, no. We're fully trespassing.

-So, if we get arrested again -- -We won't. Don't worry.

We do this every year. -You promise?

-Absolutely. You are totally safe here.

Okay? Trust me.

[Kabwasa's

"How U Feelin' plays]

Hell, yeah.

-♪ Ooh, like me ♪

♪ Like me, ooh, yeah, like me ♪

♪

♪ Say that then unless you want to move along♪

-Oh, hey! You guys made it!

-Shots? -Oh, alright.

-♪ Hey, hey, hey, shawty get loose ♪

♪ Tired of talkin' ♪

-Oh, my God, what is in that?

-It's moonshine, I think.

-[Laughs]

♪

-Oh, look, it's Cole and his shiny new plaything.

-Shut up!

Where the hell are Matt and Tucker?

-Well, Matt was supposed to pick us up,

but he just never showed.

-He still hasn't texted me back.

I'm so fucking mad at him.

-Same with Tucker. It's weird. Right?

♪

-They're planning something again, aren't they?

-I was just thinking the exact same thing.

-Be on guard, peeps. -Yo, yo, yo.

Y'all having a good time?

[Cheers and applause]

-Welcome to the Founder's Day Barn Rave, baby!

[Cheers and applause]

Now, let me take a second to thank my main man,

the one who paid for all this shit.

The junior founder himself,

and the future of Kettle Springs,

Cole Hill!

[Cheers and applause]

-Give me a sec.

Look, I'm only gonna say a couple things here

before we get to the real festivities.

[Cheers]

I know my great-grandfather founded this town,

but let's be honest. We're the future here, right?

So, let's not subscribe to some backwards-ass belief

of what this town used to be.

And instead, think ahead and dream up what comes next

and let's have a good fucking time.

[Cheers and applause]

[Buck 65's

"Good and Weird" plays]

♪

-♪ Driving with a yellow dog, I-95 ♪

♪ Got a smile on his face and big shiny eyes ♪

♪ Up at a decent hour, never ate yet ♪

♪ Got a little Johnny Cash in the old tape deck ♪

♪ Nothing in the trunk but some baseball gloves ♪

♪ A pair of jumper cables and a set of golf clubs ♪

♪ Blanket on the back seat, we're in rough shape ♪

♪ Sunroof held on with a bit of duct tape ♪

♪ Looking for a gas station, better make a list ♪

♪ Fill her up with regular, I need to take a piss ♪

♪ Sexy girl air freshener, snacks and that pinwheel ♪

♪ Top up the fluids, clean the bugs off the windshield ♪

♪ Not a care in the world, not a how, when, and why ♪

♪ No destination, not a cloud in the sky ♪

♪ Back on the road not a moment too soon ♪

♪ Dish ran away with some other spoon ♪

♪ Wicked and weird, I'm a road hog with an old dog ♪

♪ Singing slow songs, trying to hold on ♪

♪ Wicked and weird, I'm a rat fish ♪

♪ Trying to practice doing backflips on your mattress ♪

♪ Wicked and weird, I'm a road hog with an old dog ♪

♪ Singing slow songs and trying to hold on ♪

-You're just not good at dancing.

-Hey.

♪

[Ruckspinx's

"Heavyweight" plays]

-♪ Agitated, exasperated ♪

♪ Why you look so mad when the woman's elated? ♪

♪ Yeah, wipe that look off your face ♪

♪ When you see a girl come through in first place ♪

♪ Know that she bad 'cause she worked through the haze ♪

♪ Too bad I'm the boss, I'm the one you can't play ♪

♪ Won't let you in and you can't complain ♪

♪ No, sir, no, sir, we're not the same ♪

♪ I'm a real leader... ♪

-Maybe we should slow down a bit.

♪

-Oh, you like slow kisses?

-♪ Transistor sister, I play on the radio ♪

♪ Watching me 'cause I do it with ease ♪

♪ If you can't catch up, you will feel my breeze ♪

♪ In our house we increased them fees ♪

♪ 'Cause with my squad it's guaranteed ♪

-Slower.

-You mean slow like this?

-♪ Try all you want, you can't imitate ♪

♪ I'm a heavyweight ♪

♪ I'm a heavyweight, I'm a big deal... ♪

-I mean, like, slow we...

we -- we get another beer slow.

-Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

-Fuck! -Quinn, I'm sorry.

-I feel so fucking stupid.

-No! Quinn! Quinn, stop! Quinn!

I have so much shit going on inside of me right now,

and sometimes I --

I just don't know what to do with all of it.

-Yeah. I can see that.

♪

You figure that out and get back to me.

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

-Hey, new girl, you get rejected yet?

-Cole rejects everybody.

-[Scoffs] You could have told me that, Janet.

-You're a sucker, Quinn.

He sucked you into his little web

so he could feed on your naive, little mind.

-Oh! -Fucking bitch.

[Distant scream]

♪

-Hey, Ginger, you okay?

♪

-Stop.

Matt and Tucker, remember?

This time, you don't fall for it.

[Laughs] Oh, my God.

-Aww, Ginger, did you die?

-That is so sad. It sucks to die so young.

Oh.

-This is pretty pathetic.

-I know, right?

-[Whistles]

-[Gasps]

♪

♪

♪

-Oh, my God, guys.

They made a plaster cast of Matt's head.

-[Laughs]

-Ronnie, think fast.

-[Gasps]

You bitch!

You got corn syrup all over my new top.

-[Laughs]

-Oh, baby, you look so sad.

Did you get a little owie on your neck?

-You guys?

Guys...

-I can't find her pulse.

-Huh?

-She's fucking dead.

♪

-[Screams]

♪

[Clown cackling]

♪

-Hey, check it out. It's Frendo!

[Screaming]

♪

♪

-Thanks. -Yeah.

[Screaming]

♪

-Open the door! Open the door!

♪

Round the back. Go!

♪

-Please don't. -Duck!

[Gunshot]

-Holy shit.

Thank you.

-Where's Cole?

-I don't know. I was just with him.

I don't know.

Did anybody call 9-1-1?

-You can't. It's a total dead zone.

-Somebody drive back to town, then.

-He slashed everyone's tires and pulled the batteries.

Take his mask off.

♪

♪

[Chainsaw whirring]

♪

[Clown cackling]

♪

-Holy fucking shit.

♪

That's a lot of Frendos!

♪

♪

[Clowns cackling]

[Gunshot]

-[Screams]

-Ronnie, get up! -Oh, God!

-You gotta get up.

[Maniacal laughter]

♪

-Where were you? -I was looking for you.

Come on.

[Chainsaw whirs]

-[Gun clicks] -Fuck!

Come on! We gotta get back inside!

Go! Go!

♪

Come on, come on. Let's go. Move!

♪

[Static hisses]

-So, that's the first big reveal in the movie.

There's an army of clowns out there.

So, you have lied to us in the title, Eli.

-We have been lying for a long time,

and I'm so -- it feels so good to come clean, finally.

[Laughter]

-It's clowns in a cornfield.

Um, but, Eli, you have had --

can I say this, that you have had an odd career,

but would you agree with that?

-I think I'm odd in every way.

-Actually, you know what?

I want to talk about the odd career of your grandmother.

Not your mother, but your grandmother.

Your grandmother was the female lead in "The Man from Planet X."

And in fact, I think -- I think she was pretty much

the only female in "The Man from Planet X."

I don't know if there was another woman in that movie.

She was the love interest of Robert Clark,

uh, directed by the great Edgar Ulmer,

who made "The Black Cat" and "Detour"

and many other independent classics.

Now, does your -- did your grandma have great stories?

-She was a old scream queen. Original scream queen.

-She was a scream queen from, like, the '40s.

-That's right. That's right.

And they're actually remastering some old, um, uh,

Warner Bros. pictures that are old musicals

that they're bringing out to the WGA

for a film that we've never even seen.

I'm going to go see it over Labor Day,

where I get to see my grandmother from 1945 --

-Wow. -...doing a musical.

It's really cool.

-And when you go over to her house,

would she tell great stories about Edgar Ulmer

with an Austrian accent or something?

-My grandmother played a lot of games with me

and would get down on the ground

playing make-believe games, mostly,

and, uh, my mom would kind of take over the storytelling part

and go, "Oh, hush up.

I've done so much more than that."

[Laughter]

-Really? -Really.

-A little competition between your mom and your grandmother?

-A little bit, a little bit.

Because my mom's stepfather was Jock Mahoney,

who played Tarzan, as well. -Okay.

You grew up in such a Hollywood environment, you know.

-And you're so chill.

-And then you're the guy that goes to Canada.

Alright. -Got to get away.

-Alright. But just to remind people, though,

your first career was in the Outward Bound program.

Um...

-I led kids on Outward Bound trips

for, like, 25 days in the woods,

and a lot of them were at-risk kids that were adjudicated

or were going to go to jail unless they did these programs.

-So, it was court-ordered.

-It was court-ordered, some of it,

and it was very intense.

-Have you seen "The Final Terror"?

-Uh, I have not. I should.

-Outward Bound gets nasty.

I mean, you actually should have directed "The Final Terror,"

but you were probably just like 3 years old

when they made "The Final Terror."

-There's also a massive gap in my horror movies

where I'm like, in the woods from about 20 years old to 25,

and then I get out of the woods and start making horror movies.

-Alright, Eli, let's talk clowns.

Now, I saw a review in The Hollywood Reporter

where the writer spoke of a "killer-clown revival."

Is there such a thing as a killer-clown revival?

-You know, I think that there is.

I think we need to bring back the clown.

And they need some respect.

They need some love, you know?

-Well, there's the "It" series with Andy Muschietti.

Andy Muschietti movies. -"Terrifier."

-There's "Joker" with Todd Phillips.

The "Terrifier" movies are big. -Yeah.

-"Killer Klowns from Outer Space," of course,

from the old days, Chiodo brothers.

"Clown." Did you see "Clown"?

-"Clown" is great. It's great.

-Icelandic demon in the form of a clown.

-Anything with a clown, I'm on board.

I just read the title of this, and I was like, "Of course,

a clown and a cornfield?"

-Well, that's how I felt when I heard it.

-What made your clown different

besides being multiple clowns?

-Well, I think there's a couple things.

When I first read it, I was like,

"How did I not think of this?

Why did I not think of this first?"

Adam.

You know, he stole it from somewhere in my brain.

Uh, Adam Cesare, the writer of the novel.

And I thought in "Little Evil,"

I had a clown and a cornfield, but I didn't put them together.

So, this was a chance for me to merge these two parts.

-That's your 2017 movie that, again, got great reviews.

-It's on Netflix.

Uh, Adam Scott, Evangeline Lilly.

Um, and I thought that this was really something --

this was a fun movie for me to make.

It had deeper themes in it, which I like,

but ultimately you can watch it just like a popcorn movie.

And, uh, clowns seem like...

look, if you had people killing these kids,

it runs too close to some ugly stuff in our society.

But clowns, you can kind of do the ugly things

and get away with it. -Okay.

So, you were just dramatizing the "Forensic Files" episode.

-This is right, this is right. Exactly.

And I -- you know, Frendo goes back to this 1930's clown

that was made for -- -Really?

-Yeah, he was like the Baypen Corn Syrup mascot.

So, he was created within the novel, like,

with so much backstory.

And I love the idea that he was this sort of jolly,

happy-go-lucky salesman.

Very Americana, very Norman Rockwell --

-Like Bozo. -Yeah, kind of, you know,

or Crinkles the Clown for the cereal box.

-Okay.

-And, uh, and that he just got warped by capitalism over time,

and now he's just a pissed-off rural clown

that, like, didn't get his due.

-Okay, well, you know what they say about, uh,

horror culture in the year 2025.

They say the only thing that can compare to a dozen clowns

walking out of a Missouri cornfield

and attacking the teenage population of the town,

is Gwar... -Whoo!

-...performing their new song, "Lot Lizard."

Can, um...

Can Blothar the Berserker hear me?

Can he hear me from the stage?

Okay. This is part of Gwar's 40th-anniversary album.

So, Blothar, go for it. -[Applause]

-All right, you savages.

You know, it wouldn't be the United States of America

without the great long-haul truckers

that keep this country moving.

If you put it in your mouth,

then chances are it came on a truck.

I know I came on a truck earlier tonight.

And that's why right now we want to bring out our friend.

That's right.

The great American truck driver. Here he is. Yes.

[Applause]

Leon Redneck from hell.

-[Cheers and applause] -Yeah.

Let's show this motherfucker our appreciation.

What do you say?

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Lot lizard ♪

♪

♪

♪ I'm not a who, I'm a what ♪

♪ Back-row pickle-park slut ♪

♪ Lot lizard, lot lizard ♪

♪ You made me this way ♪

♪ Daddy told me I was pretty ♪

♪ Mommy gave me her disease ♪

♪ Born a cold-blooded crack-whore dinosaur ♪

♪ Turned me out on the streets ♪

♪ Cloaca, money-maker ♪

♪ Rig to rig and truck to truck ♪

♪ Working hard in the yard, shit-pussy superstar ♪

♪ Looking for a dick to suck ♪

♪ I'm not a who, I'm a what ♪

♪ Back-row pickle-park slut ♪

♪ Lot lizard, lot lizard ♪

♪ You made me this way ♪

♪ I don't want your fuckin' pity ♪

♪ Don't you pray for me ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna save me, shame me ♪

♪ This is how I wanna be ♪

♪ A creeper, sleeper ♪

♪ Want a hand job? Well, you're fucked ♪

♪ This lizard ass can multitask ♪

♪ But my arms aren't long enough ♪

♪ Nah nah, nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ Nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ Breaker 1-9, this is Fruit Pie the Magician ♪

♪ I'm at the Judy Blume Service Plaza ♪

♪ I'm looking for some commercial company ♪

♪ Pretty face and a big, old waist ♪

♪ Makin' love behind the Love's ♪

♪ Get a Buc-ee's suck and fuck ♪

♪ Want a Wawa's chili dog? ♪

♪ We can do it in my truck ♪

♪ Doing gay at the Flying J ♪

♪ Tits and ass at the old TA ♪

♪ Dump my load, then drive away ♪

♪ Gotta do when I gotta do a doo-doo ♪

♪ I'll get your money ♪

♪ I will get your money ♪

♪ I'll get your money ♪

♪

♪ I will suck your dick ♪

♪

♪

♪ I'm not a who, I'm a what ♪

♪ Back-row pickle-park slut ♪

♪ Lot lizard, lot lizard ♪

♪ You made me this way ♪

[Cheers and applause]

-Okay. Oh, wow!

My favorite part of the lyrics to that song is

when they actually name the various truck-stop chains.

[Laughs]

Okay, back to the movie.

Oh, what do you think?

They probably play "Lot Lizard" in the mixtape

for the background music at Flying J truck stops, right?

-Probably. Seems likely.

-"Doing gay at the Flying J."

Isn't that one of the lines in the song?

"Tits and ass at the old TA."

-You're scared when you're at the urinal.

-The corporate guys are just going crazy.

They're saying, "You know this song that they put out?"

Oh, everybody that's in there buying

"The Smokey and the Bandit" box sets,

you know, can sing along to "Lot Lizard."

[Laughter]

-Quinn? You asleep already?

Um, listen. I just wanted to say that I know

how hard this must be for you,

and I can't imagine what you're going thr--

Goddamn it! Fuckin' teenagers!

-I'm not getting any signal.

-They're surrounding us.

-We got you surrounded!

-There's fucking clowns everywhere.

[Banging]

-Rust, not that I'm complaining or anything,

but do you bring a loaded shotgun to every party?

-It's always in my truck, locked.

That's why they didn't get it.

-Those clowns hate us!

-Ronnie, we're safe for now. It's a steel door.

[Loud thud]

[Clowns laughing]

-[Crying] It's over.

We're all gonna be headless teenagers without heads!

-Ronnie? Ronnie, you need to calm down, okay?

Look at me. Breathe.

[Loud thudding]

-We're gonna kill you!

-Who the fuck are they? Why are they doing this?

Why is it only us?

-Never fuck with Frendo.

[Loud thudding]

-We gotta go. We gotta get out of here.

-She's right. We can't stay here.

-What about the Tillersons' house?

We can use their landline to call for help.

-That's like a mile through a cornfield in the fucking dark!

-Hey, how many shells you got left?

-Three.

-You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm glad you're such a fucking redneck, Rust.

-Oh, thanks, man. I love you, too.

[Loud thud]

[Screaming]

[Rifle firing]

-What the hell, man? What are you doing?!

-What? I got him.

-Yeah, and you wasted two shells doing it.

Now we only have one left to get out of here.

Oh, my God, can you stop being so fucking stupid?

-No. You know what? You're stupid.

Because you threw away everything we had for what?

-No, no, we never had anything.

-Oh, bullshit!

-Oh! -Oh!

-Why can't you just admit who you are

for once in your fucking life?

'Cause I don't fucking know!

Fuck!

-You guys?

There's a hole in the ground over here.

-Yes.

It's a drainage ditch.

-Drainage? For what?

-You don't want to know.

-Hey, I'm not crawling through a shit pipe.

Aah!

-We're gonna kill you! -Never mind. Let's go.

-Guys, they have us surrounded.

If we ty and crawl out of here,

they'll just whack-a-mole us to death.

-Not if we distract them.

-Driving around looking for you now.

It's not a big town. It's only a matter of time.

I'm not mad, Quinn. Just please call me back.

-What the...

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Mumbling in distance]

Hello?

Hello?

♪

I don't have any drugs here, if that's what you want.

-Don't look. Keep going.

-Okay. Okay, okay.

[Whimpering]

-What is happening?

-Save him, or your daughter dies.

-Where is she? Aah!

You'll find out. First, we got work to do.

-Okay, okay.

♪

-Let's hope this works.

-No, I can't do it! I can't.

-Shut up, Ronnie! Go!

-I'll kill you!

-You owe me a new outfit after this.

-Not the time, Janet.

-Don't be long. -Try and hold your breath.

-Are you sure about this? -Yeah, man.

You know I love blowing shit up.

[Engine humming]

Here. Take this. There's one shot left.

-Rust, look. I'm really sorry about--

-Tell me about it later. I'll be right behind you.

[Maniacal laughter]

-Run!

-Oh, I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

[Crying] Oh, my God!

-Move your butt, Ronnie.

♪

[Chainsaw humming]

♪

[Grunting, coughing]

♪

♪

[Screaming]

-Oh, geez.

-Rust?

We have to go get him.

-But we can't. We have to go for help.

-We have one bullet. One bullet.

Save it.

We have to go to the Tillersons' house.

-Wait, through the cornfield? -What other choice do we have?

-Cole! -Ah, hell.

-Go, go, go!

♪

[Monitor beeping]

-He's having trouble breathing. Let me just --

-I said leave it on.

[Beeping continues steadily]

-Who are you people?

-Did I say you could talk?

-[over walkie-talkie] K4, you there?

We got more incoming.

-Roger that. Send 'em down. Doc's here.

-[Over walkie-talkie] Copy!

♪

[Shrapnel clinks]

-I need more saline.

-What? -He's in shock.

He's gonna die if he doesn't get more fluids.

I need more saline.

-Well, why don't you get some?

'Cause I'm in the middle of an operation.

-Fine. Where is it?

-In the cabinet behind you.

♪♪

♪

[Fabric rips]

-Where?! -Um, it's in the bottom drawer.

-Come on, come on, come on...

♪

-Here.

♪

-Sorry about tonight, Quinn.

-Oh. It's okay. Don't worry about it.

You know, except for the clowns trying to kill us and all.

That kind of sucks.

-Ow! This corn hurts.

-Shut up, Ronnie. -I can't shut up.

Fuck, it's like we're in some

awful '80's slasher horror movie in the corn.

-Which means what exactly?

-It means I'm next. -Okay. Stop it.

-Guys, there's a road.

There's a car coming.

Come on! -Let's go.

Hey! -Hey, wait!

-Hey!

[Siren chirps]

-Oh, shit.

Please tell me that isn't the fucking sheriff.

-Put the gun down.

-Sir? Sir, I --

I know this looks bad, but this isn't mine.

-Put the gun down now and back away.

-Okay. Okay. -Sheriff, you don't understand.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah -- We were attacked by clowns.

-Alright. -[car door slams]

Had about enough of you, thanks.

-Look, it -- it -- it -- this wasn't me, okay?

-What?! -No, no, no.

-No! No. -Quinn!

-Wait, wait, wait! -No! No, no, no!

-Sheriff, you don't understand.

There's a massacre going on.

There's a bunch of dead people back there.

-Anything you say can and will be used against you

in a court of law. -What is happening?

Why is everyone so fucking mean?

-Hey! Watch your language, girlie.

-This is not a joke.

There is a bunch of psychos dressed up like Frendo

who are trying to kill us!

-Oh, my God.

Oh, that's my bad. Alright. Okay.

-Yeah. -Y'all are making one of your little goofy internet videos.

Is that what's happening? -Oh, my God.

-Your little dirtbag friends out there

filming me from the cornfield? Is that right?

-There's no camera, you idiot. We're in a bunch of danger right now.

-Shut up. You're the one who's in a bunch of danger, homeboy.

-Wait, wait. -It's real, Sheriff.

I swear to God. They have chainsaws and -- and axes.

-Yeah, and -- and pitchforks and my boyfriend's head. [sobs]

-Y'all had a shotgun. So, what's the problem?

-This is insane. This is -- What?! This is insane.

-Why won't you listen to us? -Wait, wait, wait! Arrest me, too!

Please just get me out of here. -Come on.

-Next time, toots.

Y'all have a pleasant rest of your night.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, -No, no, no, no.

-We need help! We need help!

-Wow.

We have the worst sheriff in America.

-What the hell?

Why did he only arrest Cole?

-Okay, let's get to the Tillersons' house.

We can call for help there.

-How far is it? -Not far. Come on.

-What? Wait, wait, wait, no. I'm not going back in there!

I'm drawing the line, okay?

I'm drawing the line right here!

♪

[Sobs] Oh, shit.

Wait!

Wait!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Chainsaw revs]

-[Gasps] What?!

[Chainsaw buzzes]

-Run! Run! [Screaming]

[Chainsaw buzzing]

♪

♪

♪

[Loud footfall]

-Wrong way! -Change of plans.

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪

-Shh, shh. Shh.

Shh. -[Chainsaw idling]

[Cornstalks rustle]

[Chainsaw powers down]

-We're gonna die.

[Muffled sobs]

♪

[Muffled scream]

[Screaming]

♪

[Chainsaw revs]

♪

♪

[Gasps]

[Chainsaw revs]

[Screaming]

[Chainsaw buzzing]

-Oh, my God!

[Screaming]

-Oh, my God!

♪

[Chainsaw buzzing]

♪

[Doorbell chiming]

-Did you seriously just ring the doorbell?

-Do we just go in?

-I think we're past the point of pleasantries, Janet, yeah.

♪

-[Whispering] Do you see a phone? -Shh, shh.

[Gasp]

-Is he dead?

-Well, I don't think he's meditating.

♪

♪

[Gasps]

I think he's dead.

[Telephone rings]

It's a phone! Oh, my God!

-Upstairs. Upstairs. -Let's go.

[Ringing continues]

There it is!

-Hello? -[Line disconnects]

Hello? -[Phone line drones]

-What?

-[Line droning] -Look, I don't --

I think the ph-- I think the line's dead.

-Okay, call 911!

-Well, where's the button, Janet?

Uh -- what is this? What is it?

-What the fuck kind of phone is this?!

[Phone receiver clatters]

[Whimpering]

-Quinn...

-Holy shit.

-What is this?

[Music box tinkling]

♪

[pop, cackling]

-This was a trap.

♪

We gotta get out of here.

♪

-Oh, shit!

He was meditating!

♪

[Glass shatters]

[Electricity crackling]

-Oh, shit! Janet!

[Crackling continues]

-Oh, God, is it bad? Is it bad? I can't look.

-Oh, my God, it's bad. It's so bad, girl.

Fuck! Stay still. Stay still. Stay still.

-[Janet screams] -I know, I know, I know.

-Don't let me die. Don't let me die. Just don't let me die...

♪

No, no, no, no, no!

-I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[Janet screams]

[Frendo roars]

-Oh! [groaning]

♪

-I hate you, Quinn.

-Me, too.

-Oh, fuck.

[Quinn sobbing]

Geez...

♪

[Static hisses]

-Wow! There is nothing like a pitchfork as a murder weapon.

That's the second time you've had one of those

super-strong clowns spear a victim

and then raise the body in triumph.

-I'd do it a third time, too, if I could get away with it.

I'm telling you, that was the most fun thing to do.

-Darcy, I know you're a fan of Eli and

"Tucker and Dale" and this movie.

Do you have questions for Eli

before we release him from this agony? [laughs]

-I do.

I noticed that you kept the kills brutal,

but never excessive. -Never excessive?

-Did you have a philosophy? -Pitchfork her with...

-You know, my 10-year-old disagreed.

-Really? He thought it was too much?

-My 10-year-old was a little shocked

by the chainsaw through the gut. -Oh, no way.

-I know! -Aw, that was so good, though.

-He's so sweet and innocent.

-Did you have a philosophy about

how far you were going to push the gore?

-Yes.

It was as much as my 10-year-old could handle.

-Oh, wow. -He's twisted.

-He's pretty twisted. -You pushed him then.

-Yeah. Um, you know what?

I like it to be gory, but keep the story moving.

And I just didn't want to pause too long

'cause these kids are running.

They're on the run. -I get that, yeah.

-And so once you get a chainsaw through the torso, it's --

and you start chopping up their feet, you know,

and getting the blood flying that way,

it's time to move on to the next kill.

-I mean, that's debatable, but I respect your choice.

Also, kind of a nerdy question.

Do you have a movie that traumatized you as a kid,

like your all-time favorite slashery type?

-I do. Well, I saw --

I saw "Texas Chainsaw Massacre,"

as you could tell, with all my chainsaw stuff,

I saw it way too young. [Darcy laughs]

I must have been seven years old and I saw... -Wow.

-...my brother and my dad, which is kind of messed up,

watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

-And how old were you?

-Six or seven. -Oh, my God! Okay.

-Yeah, it stayed with me for a long time.

You know, the sequel to that stayed with me

for a long time, too. Oof.

-Alright Eli, stay here with us.

But I want to -- I want to also bring out the writer

of your source material, Adam Cesare,

the best-selling young-adult author.

[Cheering] Come on out, Adam.

-Hey. Cheers, man. -Cheers.

-Welcome to "The Last Drive-In."

You know, now, usually we would never let

the writer of the novel and the writer of the screenplay

be together in the same room.

-Usually the writer -- the screenwriter

and the writer are not as good of friends as we've become.

-But you are friends, right? You did work together on this.

Right? -We did, we did.

We had some conversations before I went to camera

and he told me, "Please don't take this out of my book."

And I said, "Fuck you. I'll do what I want with it."

And I ended up doing --

-And we became friends, anyway. -We became friends.

-Okay.

Well, as a person who's had a couple of things

adapted for the screen, you know,

they never call me, so, you know.

But first of all, Adam, tell me what you were going for

when you wrote the book version of "Clown in a Cornfield."

-I think -- I think one of the reasons

I get along with Eli so well is that I kind of have a healthy attitude

towards adaptation, and I'm a Eli Craig fan,

like, I have been for 15 years since "Tucker and Dale."

And I like that this movie...

What I was going for kind of isn't the movie. It's --

my books are a little bit more serious.

My books are kind of like slashers

for like the shelter-in-place generation.

They're kind of like dealing with --

which the film still does, but it does it with a smile,

like they're dealing with, like how scary it is.

-You're saying Eli dumbed your book down?

-Definitely. -No, I'm saying, he --

-That's my job. -I'm saying he made it like, an Eli Craig movie.

Like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't -- -Okay.

-I'm such a fan of his,

and I think he injected so much humor

while keeping the same kind of heart and stuff

that I was going for.

So I was like, the main difference is like,

I love slashers.

I'm a student of this stuff.

I'm a student of the show.

If you look at the book, it's kind of...

it's structured as like, it has a lot of different eras of slasher in it.

It has like the kind of proto slasher, it has the prank,

it has, like all this, all these kind of hallmarks.

But I wanted to do them.

I was a high school English teacher for five years.

I wanted to do them -- -Oh, wow.

-I wanted to do this -- -That's hard core.

-It is. -Way hard core.

-That's a scary, that's a scarier thing.

Yeah, so, like, I wanted something --

-That's a whole lot of kids that don't want to be in your class.

Right? -Exactly. Yeah.

It was teaching English, and I wanted

a book that they could both relate to

and be scared of and felt like it spoke to them.

I think a lot of slasher media is like,

"Remember when the '80s" and I didn't want to do that.

I wanted to do something.

I wanted to have a book that there was no barrier for entry.

Like, I love "Black Christmas," Bob Clark's "Black Christmas,"

but most 13-year-olds -- -Do not.

-They haven't -- have not had the chance yet.

So, I didn't want there to be a barrier entry.

And I wanted this to be like a "My First Slasher,"

but in a way that was welcoming

and extending a hand towards future horror fans.

-Well, this is interesting,

because you were a high school teacher

and you've got a lot of clash-of-the-generations stuff going on here.

You have that --

Well, you have the hysterical scene

that we just watched where they stare at that rotary-dial phone

like it's an ancient Sanskrit parchment or something.

-Yes. That was, uh...

-I loved that. -That was something we came up with

as something that was very,

surgically put there to remind the audience

that there's this generation gap.

And it also, I found it quite fun that the entire,

where they're getting to in the second act

to just make this phone call ends up being unwound

'cause they just don't know how to use a rotary phone.

-Right. -So good.

-So -- but here's my question, though.

What generations are we talking about?

'Cause Quinn is obviously Gen Z,

'cause she's supposedly 17 in the narrative, right?

-She looks 17, so -- -She's Gen Z, right?

And then, um, her father is listening to '80's rap.

So you've made him Gen X. -He's Gen X, man.

You know, he's me.

And so they're kind of against everybody older.

-Okay. -Though it's really the baby boomers.

But they were too old to like make this film shoot happen.

-The baby boomers. -I think what's interesting

is in the book, it's a little bit --

it's, you know, there's five years removed.

And I think Glenn is almost played a little younger in the book.

I think Glenn Maybrook, the doctor character is, in the book,

is kind of the self-insert character for me,

like a neurotic, nerdy dad. -Okay.

-And then he becomes the self-insert for Eli and things

maybe slide up a little. The ages slide up a little bit.

-And the rotary-dial thing that would be pre-Baby Boomer.

So that would be the mayor and the sheriff

and all those people in the clown costumes.

So, here's my question. Are the clowns all boomers?

-[laughing] The clowns are all boomers.

There's a boomer mentality there. Let's put it that way.

-Alright. What generation are you?

-I'm a millennial. I'm a millennial.

-You're a millennial. -I'm pre --

-He's the young Millennial. -I'm pre-Gen X. Yeah.

-Joe Bob: Okay. -Pre-Gen X.

-Alright. -I'm a millennial.

I was writing for, you know, Gen Z.

You know, I keep writing books,

so they're -- -Okay.

-You know, it's becoming Gen Alpha.

And just trying not to sound, um,

foolish or out of date or becoming the, you know,

the Steve Buscemi meme. -What's Gen Alpha?

That's somebody that's ten years old today?

-Yeah. That's probably -- I guess so. Yeah, yeah. He knows.

-Alright. And so they can read.

-Yeah. We'll see. Yeah, we'll start 'em up.

-Alright. But we're back to don't trust anybody over 30 with this movie, right?

Which is kind of the hippie thing. That's what the --

-It's "Footloose," you know?

It's "Footloose" with more blood.

-Alright, and I have to ask you this, too, Adam.

You live in Philly?

-Yes. -You live in Philly.

Do you have a fear of small towns?

-I don't. I like, I love Americana,

and I think that's part of the book is just loving a thing

and being able to critique it

and being, also, feeling a little alien.

I have a lot of family in the Midwest and stuff like that,

so I really don't -- I guess I am like the most,

I grew up on Long Island and New York,

went to school in Boston, moved to Philly.

So I can't really shake the Northeast.

-So, when you go into a small town, you're thinking,

you know, maybe they are crazy here.

And what about you, Eli?

What do you feel about small towns?

-Well, you know, I made "Tucker & Dale vs. Evil,"

which represents small-town West Virginia.

And so those are also my boys there in "Tucker and Dale."

So I felt like I could do the reverse of that here.

-Okay. -And make the small-town

locals the killers in this case.

And I'll be accepted by both tribes.

-Alright. Stay with me for one more break,

both of you.

I think it's pretty obvious who the final girl is by now.

I think most of her friends are dead, right,

at this point in the movie.

So let's get back to the movie.

And, um, oh!

And I forgot to mention we --

we also just had the second big twist,

which is the love affair between Cole,

who's conflicted about it, and Rust,

who is not conflicted about it.

And, um, oddly enough,

this is hardly mentioned at all in any of the reviews

that you guys got.

Do you find that strange?

-We promised we'd kill them if they told -- if they --

-If they revealed that twist? -Ruined this for people.

'Cause I think it's so important that this is not a spoiler.

So they didn't -- they mostly stuck with it

and they didn't reveal that.

-Well, everybody watching now has just seen it,

so we're not revealing anything. -Yeah.

-Well, everything, I think it's,

it's interesting because when the movie came out in theaters,

I think that was a big concern, a big reveal.

I've been writing these characters for,

you know, going on four books now.

So it's like I -- when I talk about Cole and Rust,

I talk about them as a couple.

So I had to kind of retrain myself not to do that.

But I think now that the movie hit VOD,

we're seeing all the TikToks and the fan-cams and the edits,

and there's no hiding it now because that's like,

everyone loves Cole and Rust and the kiss and yeah.

-Okay. -One of my favorite moments

to shoot, my favorite scenes is in the shed

when they're all getting attacked by the clowns,

which you guys have seen.

And then the girls realize

why Cole is not making out with any of the girls.

-Oh, no, that's a great scene. Yeah.

-And they all get to be lined up together,

realizing at the same time, hopefully, that the audience is realizing it.

-No, it's a great moment. Okay, back to the movie. Roll it.

Oh, and Eli and Adam, I looked this up for you.

A sharpened pitchfork...

[Laughter]

...used at full-body momentum...

...would require 300 to 600 pounds of force

during the stabbing motion.

Then to lift the body on the pitchfork,

you would need an overhead press ability

of 200 pounds-plus.

So this particular physical action is possible

if you have Olympics level clean-and-jerk ability,

but only if the pitchfork tines are reinforced

so they do not bend during the process.

So you have some clowns in your movie

who have Olympic-level clean-and-jerk muscles

and who have gone to the trouble

to reinforce those pitchfork tines.

-Have you spent a summer shucking hay?

It's hard work, man. So these guys...

-You have? -...pretty burly.

-I have. Absolutely. -Okay.

Well, they are really hearty Midwestern people

who eat a big breakfast, so.

[Laughter]

[Static hisses]

♪

[Static hisses]

-Come on. Hurry it up.

This is taking too long!

♪

[Monitor beeping steadily]

[Beeping speeds up]

What happened?

-Uh, he's flatlining. Um...

Look, I-I need your help.

-Me? -Yeah, yeah, you!

Come on, take it, take it!

What are you looking at me for?

Take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em!

Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ready? One -- two --

Fuck the Hippocratic oath!

[Frendo groans]

-You shouldn't have done that.

-Sorry.

Um, you're gonna wanna leave that in there.

I'm gonna get some help. No, no -- what are you doing?

No, no. No, no. I just --

Aah...

Okay, that's...

Now you're gonna bleed out.

Yeah. See? That's...

This is exactly what I was saying.

[Frendo shouts]

-Okay.

[Frendo groans]

[Knife clatters]

[Body thuds]

-Don't say I didn't warn you.

[Frenzied breathing]

-[on walkie-talkie] It's all going wrong!

Goddammit, we shouldn't have done it like this!

-This is not my fault!

Damn girl's tougher than we thought.

-Just get her and bring her back to the Baypen factory.

-Oh, my God! -We'll deal with her there.

-Roger that.

♪

[Door slams]

♪

[Quinn panting]

[Door banging]

[Quinn grunts]

♪

[Engine starts]

[Engine running]

-Damn it!

[Chainsaw revs in distance]

[Chainsaw buzzing]

[Engine rumbles]

[Quinn straining]

Goddamn it! No, don't do this to me right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, please don't do this to me right now.

[Engine rumbles, Quinn shouts]

Damn it!

When your dad wants to teach you to drive stick,

you fucking say yes!

[Sobs, screams]

[Chainsaw buzzing]

[Frendo cackling wildly]

[Screaming]

♪

[Window shatters, Quinn screams]

♪

[Dragging]

[Quinn grunts]

[Switch clicks]

[Lights pop on]

Who the hell are you people?

♪

-Aw!

-Welcome to the main event, sweetie pie.

-My fucking face hurts.

-Don't complain. I gotta work in the morning.

-Work? This is work.

This is the best damn job I've ever had.

[All laughing]

-Better than my day job.

-Yeah, you're a lot fucking better at it, too.

-Language, sweetheart.

-[Electricity crackling] -Aahhh!

[All laughing]

-[Coughing]

-Why are you doing this?!

-Because...it's a Founder's Day tradition!

[Chuckles]

♪

I mean, only when necessary, of course.

[Chuckles]

♪

-You're Cole's dad.

-No.

No, Cole's no son of mine.

I disowned him.

-Oh, come on. Please, just let me go.

-No, no, no, no.

It's way too late for that, toots.

-[Crying] But I didn't do anything.

-Shh.

Shh!

Mnh-mnh.

You know, Kettle Springs is a good town,

filled with good people, right?

-Uh-huh.

-Yep. That's right it is. -Best of America...

...what's left of it

And keeping it that way all these years...

hasn't been easy.

[Whispering] Takes vigilance!

Because every couple of generations,

well, we get ourselves a bad crop.

-I'm not even from here. -[Electricity crackles]

-Go ahead. Go.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Aah-aah!

[Coughing]

[Crying]

-Now listen.

In the '30s, Baypen became the national brand.

Yeah. It kept this town afloat. Right?

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm. You can say that.

Then, this big, old train full of hobos

just rolled on into town.

They just didn't want to leave.

Now, and then we had some hippies in the '60s.

They came in and started a commune.

Sold dope to kids.

And then oh, in the '90s,

we all know what kind of burnouts those guys were, man.

[Laughs mockingly]

But your generation... with your fucking preening,

your goddamn cat videos.

Well, you guys might be the worst of them all.

Cancer.

A scourge!

A blighted crop is what you are

that needs to be culled!

-Oh, Cole!

-[Muffled yelling]

-Cole!

-Surprise! -What are you doing?!

He's your son! -I told you, he isn't my son.

Not since he killed his own sister.

-He didn't kill her. -It was on his watch!

-She drowned!

-He took everything from me, everything that I cared about.

And then you burned down the goddamn factory.

That was the last straw, Cole.

I just came to the realization that my boy is just a bad seed

and Daddy has to start all over.

[Chuckles]

-[Crying] Oh, my God. You're insane!

You're an insane person!

-I'm just doing what my daddy did before me

and his daddy did before him.

-Tradition. -Yeah.

-You really think you're gonna be able to get away with this?

-[Laughs]

-Would you like to see Cole's suicide note? Hmm?

It's going live on his socials tomorrow morning.

Yep!

Another spoiled rich kid that shoots up a party,

and then he kills the girl that spurned him

right before he kills himself.

Affluenza's a bitch. [Laughs]

Yeah. I would say so. So let's go.

Let's get this show on the road.

-You're fucking sick! You know that?

You just pretend to care.

You're so worried about what's wrong with the kids

when you guys are the ones that fucked everything up!

You don't care about the Earth.

-You don't care about the next generation.

Well, guess what?

The world's gonna change whether you like it or not.

[Panting]

And I know that scares the shit out of you.

Because if you can't have things the way that you want them,

you'd rather burn it all to the fucking ground!

You'd rather kill us than just listen.

-Let's hear it for Cole.

That was beautiful. That was beautiful!

You know what?

I'm gonna put that into the suicide note.

I mean, I'm not going to put in all the gory details and stuff,

but, um, you know, I'll put a lot of it.

-Jesus fucking Christ, this is endless.

Can we get on with it, please?

-Well. Yes, sir.

-Thank you.

Listen, sweetheart, I'm really sorry.

I mean, I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen.

-[Grunting] Fuck!

-Just like the rest of your goddamn generation.

-No! No!

♪

[All yelling]

[Clanging]

-[Coughing]

What the hell?

♪

-[Gurgling]

-Sheriff...I'm okay, right?

[Moaning]

♪

-Rahh!

-[Chainsaw revs] -Dad!

-Cole! Get Cole!

♪

[Rifle fires]

-Aah! Aah!

Run, Quinn. Run!

♪

-Shit!

[Rifle fires]

-Dunne, you go get her.

I got Cole.

♪

-Okay. And I got to ask you.

I got to ask you, Adam.

Or maybe I should ask you, Eli.

Or maybe...

Maybe you guys have different answers for this question,

so you may disagree.

But you have this scene where Cole is dangling from a rope,

and he's reading the riot act to his father, and he says,

"The world's going to change whether you like it or not.

And that scares you. That scares the shit out of you.

And you would rather kill us than just listen to us."

So Cole, kind of, you know,

states the actual theme of the movie.

That's the theme of the movie, right?

And that's the controlling idea of the movie.

And so my question is, what are the previous generations

not listening to from Gen Z?

I'm trying to figure out why the elders of the town

hate these kids so much,

and the mayor tells us they have to do this

periodically in this town.

They did it to the hobos.

They did it to the hippies.

They did it to the drug burnouts in the '90s.

And since those three groups don't really have much

in common,

what precisely are they trying to get rid of

when they do these cleansing operations?

And, specifically,

what is the Gen Z rallying cry here that they hate?

-Well, Gen Z is pissed

because when they go through the subscriber list on YouTube,

they are not subscribers on their YouTube channel.

So they are like, "You guys aren't listening to us.

You're not even following us on YouTube."

-Okay. -I'll give you a real answer.

-What's a real answer? -That was Joe Bob's level.

-I think the real problem is completely internal.

I think the real problem with the Frendos, with Arthur

and Sheriff Dunne is completely, they're reflecting back

their own insecurities and their own lack of control.

And it's that idea of just getting older

and things are not working out how you plan.

And I think that's a lot of culture-war stuff.

I think a lot of culture-war stuff comes down to progress

is moving on,

and I somehow have to study or I somehow have to get hipper,

or I somehow have to watch things change in front of me,

and I can't control that.

What can I control? I can lash out.

And I mean, in the in the book and in the film,

it's a very extreme version of lashing out,

but I almost think, like, you know, it's a YA book.

I'm always on the kids' side.

-Right.

-So I kind of think there is,

you know, and they're being shithead kids.

But every generation, as Eli's film has,

every generation has shithead kids in it.

-Those kids are awesome!

-That's an invention of of the film is that, you know,

that in the film there is this like periodical cleansing

of Kettle Springs that happens.

In the book, it's like just this once.

It's like these guys are going to try to do this.

And they're also --

you know they're going to get caught

because they're going to leave a ton of forensic evidence.

They can't possibly pull off this plan.

Like, that's kind of in the book

is like they weren't really going to do it.

They weren't really going to get away with it.

But, like, they're still going to mess things up

and kill a bunch of kids.

-Well, the mayor makes it clear that he hates cat videos.

That's the best example he can come up with

for calling Gen Z the worst generation of them all, right?

-Well, don't you agree? -Agree.

-Do you agree? This is it.

-Maybe this is a Gen Xer talking,

but I think there is something.

-We're agreeing that cat videos are good, right?

-No! This is why we have to get rid of the younger generation.

-No, that's why he's a villain, 'cause he hates cat videos.

-Adam, you are perfectly positioned

as a former English teacher,

since that guy calling Gen Z the worst generation of them all

means you think it's one of the best generations?

-No, I think they're all, I think they've all...

They're all just... all teenagers are teenagers.

And they're all going to do the same thing.

You know, every class --

-What is the good...

Tell us something good about Gen Z that's redeemable,

that makes the baby boomers hate them.

-I think their general savviness.

I think the idea of, like, look at...

They're growing up...

I was maybe, like, the last generation

that didn't grow up constantly on the Internet.

And I think there's probably pluses and minuses to that.

But there's also the idea of, like,

we all have Internet in our pockets, too.

I think the idea that they can call upon knowledge

at any one second.

-They're smarter than previous generations?

-They can fact-check you in real time

and things like that.

It's not even like an intelligence-level thing.

-More well-informed than previous generations.

-But unearned, so they hate that.

-But I will say, I also--

-Like, "I had to learn that shit!"

-My son, is Gen Z, my older son, who's 19,

who followed me through this process

and would comment on every line in this.

And I will say there is an acceptance of everybody in Gen Z

that doesn't exist with the older tribe,

and that's pretty much what this is about.

Like, they don't care what you are.

You could be any...

You could choose any sexual orientation, anything.

Go for it. No problem. And I think that ultimately is,

like, we should just be free to be whoever we are is the vibe.

-And I think they display their prejudices,

like, pretty blatantly in this film.

Like, I think along racial lines,

along sexual lines.

Even if they're not saying that's the reason

they're doing it,

I think there's the seed of like that's definitely in there.

That's definitely some of these guys are doing this.

-Is it true that you guys ran out of money

while you were making this?

-Several times.

We had to go sell -- myself on the street.

I sold some "Tucker & Dale" DVDs.

Came back to shoot more. Yeah.

-All right.

Well, "Clown in a Cornfield" has been embraced by Gen Z

and more than Gen Z.

It premiered in March

at the South by Southwest Festival in Austin.

Oh, you had a "drive-ins only" week.

Thank you for that.

-The very first week of release,

it was available in drive-ins only.

Thank you. That's a great idea.

-I hope I...

Do we have pictures of you there at the drive-in?

-I didn't know about it, or I would have been there.

And then it went wide on May 9th, and it broke

some box-office records, right?

-For IFC, it was the highest-grossing weekend

they've ever had.

-Yeah? Okay. -That was cool.

-So, thank you, Adam.

Thank you, Eli, for spending part of your Halloween with us.

Best of success with "Clown in a Cornfield 2,"

Although we're still holding out for "Tucker & Dale 2."

-Yeah. -Cheers.

-Boom! Cheers to all of them.

-And you're both welcome back

whenever you make your next flick.

And now we're going to watch the still more twisty conclusion

of "Clown in a Cornfield." -Whoo!

-But we have another movie tonight,

and we have the world premiere

of a Gwar song called "Splatter Fu."

And we've talked them into staying longer,

and they're going to play some of their most famous songs

during the second movie.

So, more to come on the celebration

we call "Splatterween."

So, roll it.

-All right, let's see it!

[Laughter]

-And, you know, any place you have cornfields...

This occurred to me while I was watching the movie.

Any place you have cornfields,

you also have soybean fields, at least in the United States,

because you can't grow corn every year

because it depletes the soil.

So, you grow soybeans on alternate years, crop rotation.

But as far as I know,

we have zero movies set in soybean fields.

-You're ruining the sequel!

-Nobody has ever made "Children of the Soybean."

And I mean, yeah, I get it.

Soybeans, they top out at around three feet high.

So, you know,

So, if you if you did "Clown in a Soybean Field,"

it would have to be "Dwarf Clown in a Soybean Field."

But, you know, young filmmakers are always coming on

and saying,

"What's a subject that hasn't been done in horror?"

Go with the soybean, man! Virgin territory.

A lot to work with -- soy sauce.

You got that whole-- -Are you done?

[Laughter]

-Edamame, you know.

-Do we have sushi?

-I feel like that's enough. I would actually love sushi.

Let's get sushi.

-I think you, Eli,

would know what to do with "Children of the Soybean."

-I'm going to do it.

Katie Douglas is not the tallest actor around.

So, it may work. It may work.

[Static hisses]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Panting]

[Grunting]

Aah!

♪

[Panting]

♪

♪

-Oh! Oh!

[Metal clangs]

♪

-[Panting]

♪

[Thudding]

[Panting]

♪

[Thudding continues]

♪

-Come on, come on, come on.

♪

-[Groaning]

[Engine starts]

[Tires screech]

[Engine revving]

♪

[Tires screech]

[Groaning]

♪

-It's over, sweetheart.

Come on out now. There ain't nowhere to run.

Don't worry. I'll make it quick.

♪

[Rifle cocks]

See, that's the problem with your generation.

Y'all all think that you're smarter than us.

[Rifle fires]

-You got that right.

-Aaahhhh!

[Electricity crackling]

-Aahhh!

[Crackling continues]

♪

And I'm not your

fucking sweetheart!

-You're going down no matter what.

[Clattering]

Oh, the truth is gonna come out eventually.

-You are too dumb to be my son.

You tell people what they want to believe,

and you could get away with murder.

-You started the fire, didn't you?

The fucking insurance money.

Business was bad.

You're losing money, weren't you, Dad?

You burnt down the factory!

-Now I take it back. You're not as dumb as I thought.

-Fuck you!

-I'll see you in hell, son.

♪

[Engine starts]

[Tires screech]

-Cole! Cole!

Oh, I got you!

Stay there! Stay there!

Cole! Help!

[Rifle fires]

[Cole coughing]

[Both groaning]

♪

-Rust!

-Cole.

-You're alive, man.

♪

-And see? You always second-guess, man.

-No, it's because you smell like burnt flesh.

-You don't smell so good, either.

-Oh, fuck it.

♪

-Such a confusing fucking night.

-Quinn!

-Dad! -Oh, Quinn. Quinn!

-Dad!

-Oh, thank God you're okay.

-Are you...are you okay?

-No, yeah. It's fine.

He just shot me once, but it was on the spleen side.

-Oh, my God, that looks really fucking bad.

-No. It's okay. Hey, hey...

[Panting]

Promise me we'll learn to talk things through a bit better.

-Yeah, I would like that very much.

♪

-Okay, you don't have to... -I know.

-Okay, okay, I'll be fine.

-Come on. Come on.

-[Coughing] -That's okay.

-So, what do you guys think of Kettle Springs so far?

-Oh, well, I haven't been here very long,

but I hear it's fucking lovely in the spring.

-Quinn! -Oh, sorry, Dad.

-Language.

-Guys? -Oh, shit!

-Let's get the fuck out of here.

-Yes.

Their keys. Quick!

Get in.

-Hurry up.

[Engine starts]

-Shit! Shit!

It's another stick shift.

Dad, I can't do it. I can't do it.

Please take over!

-Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, you got this.

Just here. Just push in the clutch.

It's that guy over there.

Slide it into first and give it a little bit of gas.

[Gear cranks]

Yep. There we go. Okay, good, good.

Now let it out a little bit.

There you go. You're doing it.

-Yeah. Nice job, Quinn.

-Guys, we got a problem.

[Chainsaw revving]

-We gotta go the other way.

-No, we're done running.

Quinn...fucking punch it!

[Engine revs]

-Die, you motherfucking clown!

[Chainsaw revs]

[Blood splatters]

[Windshield wipers squeaking]

-♪ I'm invincible just on principle ♪

♪ Irresistible ♪

♪ Ever since the bull showed his face around here ♪

♪ I've been head down, grinding ♪

♪ The only time I look up, never lose horizons ♪

♪ See it by force ♪

♪ Open up your eyes ♪

♪ While the others disguise. I'ma make em realize ♪

-Sure you don't need me to drive you?

-Nah.

You gotta stay back and work on your campaign.

Plus, this way I can listen to my own music.

-I can't believe how grown up you are.

I hate it.

-[Chuckles]

-I love you so much.

-I love you, too, Dad.

-You're tough as nails, Quinn.

♪

-Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?

-No.

I was going to stop by your house on the way out.

-Right. Yeah, well, we couldn't wait.

-Brought you something. A gift.

-Wow.

It's a 16-inch collapsible self-defense baton.

[Swooshes]

Just like I always wanted.

-Yeah.

Sorry, Dr. Maybrook, but, uh, there's some crazies out there.

-I completely understand.

-This is really sweet, you guys.

I hope I don't have to use it against a bunch

of killer clowns.

-Us too.

But just in case.

-I love you guys. You be safe, okay?

Stay away from old people.

-Uh, hey!

-I mean old clowns that want to kill you.

-Right. Good advice.

♪

[Engine starts]

-Love you. Bye.

[Good Neighbors'

"Keep It Up" plays]

♪

♪ Hey ♪

-♪ Tried to blame it on the city that I love ♪

♪ And point the finger at the people up above ♪

♪ But oh, babe, you'll be okay ♪

♪ When you get lost in your head someday ♪

♪ When life ain't going your way ♪

♪ Keep it up and up it up ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ahh ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

[Dirty Honey's

"Won't Take Me Alive" plays]

-Ah-hee-hee-hee!

♪

♪

♪ I ain't a fighter, but you're never taking me alive ♪

♪ So, if you're comin' then you ought to know it's suicide ♪

♪ You won't make me crawl ♪

♪ When my back's to the wall ♪

♪ Ain't takin' me ali-i-i-ve ♪

♪ Won't bleed me out to dry-y-y-y ♪

♪ I'll tell you like I said before ♪

♪ I never asked to start a war ♪

♪ But now you know that I'd rather die ♪

♪ You won't take me alive ♪

♪

♪ Don't complicate it ♪

♪ You created your own misery ♪

♪ Won't be a victim ♪

♪ I won't listen to your mind's disease ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ You want me to bleed ♪

♪ I got an ace up my sleeve ♪

♪ Ha ha ♪

♪ Ain't taking me ali-i-i-ve ♪

♪ Won't bleed me out to dry-y-y-y ♪

♪ I'll tell you like you said before ♪

♪ I never asked to start a war ♪

♪ But now you know that I'd rather die ♪

♪ You won't take me alive ♪

♪

♪ You won't take me alive ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Take me alive ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Ain't taking me ali-i-i-ve ♪

♪ Won't bleed me out to dry-y-y-y ♪

♪ I'll tell you like I said before ♪

♪ I never asked to start a war ♪

♪ But now you know that I'd rather die ♪

♪ You won't take me ali-i-i-ve ♪

♪ Won't bleed me out to dry-y-y-y ♪

♪ I'll tell you like I said before ♪

♪ I never asked to start a war ♪

♪ But now you know that I'd rather die ♪

♪ You won't take me alive ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Before we move on with "Splatterween,"

I just wanted to mention some of the changes

that were made between "Clown in a Cornfield" the book

and "Clown in a Cornfield" the movie.

In the book,

Matt and Ronnie are in league with the grown-ups,

and they try to frame Quinn.

In the movie, of course,

all the high school students are good guys.

Then, in the finale,

that we just watched, at the corn-syrup factory,

it's Rust

who drives the car into the barn in the book version,

saving Cole.

Dr. Maybrook is not involved.

And in the book,

Cole actually did burn down the factory

while having a party there.

He didn't mean to do it, but he's responsible.

And in the book, Sheriff Dunne's

political slogan is "Make Kettle Springs Great Again."

And so, the filmmakers decided not to use that

because it was too on the nose.

Not that some of the other scenes aren't on the nose.

Are you a fan of "Clown in a Cornfield," Darcy?

-I am. It's fast, fun, and nasty.

It's a fun ride with cool kill scenes

and a twisted sense of humor.

-All right, well, you want to do a little mailbag

before we go back to Gwar?

-Of course I do.

We have this amazing "Frankenhooker" art.

It's a letter from Tawny Corea of Burbank, California.

-Okay.

Actually, it says Valley Village, California.

-But inside it says Burbank. So, pick one.

California.

-All right.

-Somewhere in Southern California.

-Yeah. -Um, okay.

"Dear Joe Bob and Darcy, I made this card."

Wow. -I know, right?

-This is an elaborate card. Says, "I made this card."

"I made this card not only because..."

Can you see this card? This is quite a card.

"I made this card...

not only because I love both Halloween and Valentine's Day,

but because I wanted to thank you.

My big brother Josh has introduced me

to many cool things in my life, but you're the coolest.

I never got to watch you on "MonsterVision"

because we didn't have cable, so I'm glad I can watch you now.

I've discovered so many great films through you,

and I love to hear your thoughts on them and your bad jokes.

We love you, Joe Bob. I put an extra card for Darcy."

The same card, just like... -Thank you!

"...because she's the 'Frankenhooker' queen."

-I will take that.

-"And to thank her for being beautiful inside and out.

Thank you for bringing Joe Bob back

and for creating a tight mutant family.

Love, Tawny Corea. P.S. if this gets on TV,

can you say hello to Josh Corea, Eric Dodson,

and Sara Regalado?"

No. Um...

[Laughter]

Anyway, very nice.

So many people tell us their family didn't have cable

in the '90s, and I consider -- that's child abuse.

You had to have cable in the '90s.

-We didn't have cable.

-You didn't have cable? -Mnh-mnh.

-You said you watched "MonsterVision."

How did you watch "MonsterVision"?

-I snuck over to people's houses that had cable.

-Well, I'm glad you chose the fine houses that carried TNT.

-That's how I chose my friends, if they have TNT or not.

-Almost everybody had TNT.

They even had it in prisons.

We used to get mail from the prisons.

-I didn't go that far.

-But it's true that nobody does "Frankenhooker"

better than you do it,

not even the actress who played Frankenhooker.

-No, no, no, we're not going there.

-Well, no. It's true. All right.

-It's not.

-We're going to be back in a few minutes

with our second movie, "Jack-O."

But first, we're going to have the world premiere

of a Gwar song just for us, "Splatter Fu."

Go for it.

[Cheers and applause]

♪

-♪ Nefarious night for blood moons high ♪

♪ Shadows rise and liquefy ♪

♪ Zombies roam ♪

♪ They're back from the dead ♪

♪ Maggots feast on your rancid bits ♪

♪ Splatter fu, kill, kill, kill ♪

♪ Whose splattered blood will spill? ♪

♪ Splatter fu, bleed, bleed, bleed ♪

♪ Welcome to the glorious Halloween ♪

♪ Against grief in the twisted line ♪

♪ They're so amused as you beg for your life ♪

♪ Creatures creep from the ground ♪

♪ Sacrifice to the Lord above ♪

♪ Splatter fu, kill, kill, kill ♪

♪ Whose splattered blood will spill? ♪

♪ Splatter fu, bleed, bleed, bleed ♪

♪ Welcome to the glorious Halloween ♪

♪ Hack 'em, slash 'em, feed the beast ♪

♪ Chainsaw feeds, trick or treat ♪

♪ Ax slash, the killer grips ♪

♪ Ripping through your soft skin ♪

♪ Splatter fu ♪

♪ Kill, kill, kill ♪

♪ Whose splattered blood will spill? ♪

♪ Splatter fu, bleed, bleed, bleed ♪

♪ Welcome to the glorious Halloween ♪

♪ Splatter fu ♪

♪ Splatter fu, nothing you can do ♪

♪ Splatter fu, it's the end, you fool ♪

♪ Welcome to the glorious Halloween ♪

[Cheers and applause]

-Oh, my God!

[Laughter]

I think I'm going to tear up.

"Splatter Fu." That was so special.

-Stop!

-I feel like we just got the Academy Award

for lifetime achievement.

You know?

[Laughter]

I'm Joe Bob Briggs.

-Hey [Laughs] -Darcy, the Mail Girl.

And the whole "Splatterween" team reminding you

that we just finished our 200th movie.

-Fuck, yeah, we did! That's amazing.

-And you guys made that possible,

mutants everywhere.

And if that ain't a fact, then God's a possum.

[Laughter]

And the drive-in will never die. -Whoo!

-You never heard that when they say that?

"If that ain't a fact, God's a possum."

That's a Texas thing. Okay.

Hillbilly goes hunting one day in West Virginia,

and he bags three ducks, puts them in the bed of his pickup,

and he's about to drive home.

This game warden shows up, wants to hassle him,

and game warden orders him to show his hunting license.

So, the hillbilly pulls out a West Virginia hunting license,

and game warden looks at the license

and reaches over. He picks up one of the ducks,

and he sniffs the duck's butt, and he says,

"This duck ain't from West Virginia.

This is a Kentucky duck.

You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?"

Hillbilly reaches into his wallet,

produces a Kentucky hunting license.

Game warden looks at it, reaches over, grabs that second duck,

sniffs his butt and says, "This ain't no Kentucky duck.

This duck's from Tennessee.

You got a Tennessee license?"

Hillbilly reaches into his wallet,

produces a Tennessee hunting license.

Warden picks up the third duck, sniffs its butt, and says,

"This duck's from Virginia.

You got a Virginia hunting license?"

Hillbilly produces a Virginia hunting license.

Well, the game warden is extremely frustrated

at that point, so he starts yelling,

"Just where the hell are you from, anyway?"

Hillbilly turns around, bends over, drops his pants,

and says, "You tell me. You're the expert."

[Laughter]

-I mean, it was so long, I lost track. It's good.

[Laughter]

♪

♪