Original subtitles

-Welcome back to "Joe Bob's Cold, Cruel Christmas."

Pretty much every character in that first movie

was cold and cruel,

but now we're going to take it even further

with a movie called "Iced."

Well, the folks in this movie are getting iced

by professional timeshare salesmen.

-There you go.

-Fortunately, I purchased a timeshare years ago.

I got in on this thing before anybody else --

Eternity Shores on Infinity Bay.

-Where's that? -Ohio.

[Laughter] -Where in Ohio?

-Central. But luckily, I got in before all those lawsuits.

And so -- -What lawsuits?

-Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen,

here to answer your questions, channel your remarks,

take your money,

if you're participating in our annual Christmas auction.

She doesn't literally take your money.

She tells you how to bid on stuff.

So e-mail or message her, DM her.

Darcy is at your beck and call

as we continue with "Joe Bob's Cold, Cruel Christmas"

and the amazing 1989 slasher "Iced."

-Do you really think it's amazing?

-Filmed in the Cottonwood Canyons

of the Wasatch Mountains of Utah,

plus a motel in the little town of Sandy, Utah.

No, I don't.

But it's Christmas, and I'm feeling generous.

Are you a skier?

-I've actually never skied, but I really want to.

-Well, you're in luck, then,

'cause we got the skis, we got the poles,

and most important, we got the outfits.

-Yeah. -I have skied before.

-I can do it, but I prefer not to.

I don't like to tumble down the sides of mountains,

gathering icy moisture on every inch of my skin.

Remember that time we were invited

to Telluride in Colorado?

-How could I forget that?

I had to walk up the streets in heels

at like a 45-degree angle?

-They have a film festival there.

Everybody talks about how wonderful it is

that the road dead-ends in a box canyon, you know?

If there's an avalanche or just a really bad storm

and the one road gets closed,

you don't really want to be in a box canyon.

Anyway, the main order of business tonight is not skiing,

although I'm ready to ski Georgia.

Are you?

-Like I said, I've always wanted to try it.

-Ski Georgia -- not a slogan you hear very often.

The Chamber of Commerce doesn't use that.

But I think you can ski in Gatlinburg, in Tennessee,

which is not that far.

Right over the border.

But we'll have to go cross-country skiing here,

meaning we're gonna have to work.

We can't just sail down the side of the mountain

and then have fondue, right?

We can still have the fondue,

but we're gonna have to work for it.

-I don't eat fondue.

-You have to eat fondue, Darcy, if you're going skiing.

-Well, then, I guess I'm not going skiing.

-That's part of the après ski -- fondue.

-Are there fondue police insisting that you have fondue?

[Laughter] -Well, no.

-Then I shall not be having fondue, sir.

-Well, the main order of business tonight

is our annual Christmas auction,

because we're following the example

of Joseph in the Bible

and Ma Joad in "The Grapes of Wrath,"

who said that what you do when you have a bad year

is you step up, and you help people

who had a worse year than you did.

So all the auction money goes to five charities

that got nuked by the year 2025,

and those charities are...

And all of these organizations

got their funding cut so deeply in 2025

that they can't really do the things they need to do

and in some cases the things they have been doing

for 60, 70 years.

It's like the most vulnerable members of society

all got hit by a hurricane at the same time.

-How do you explain that?

-It's just the mood of the nation, apparently.

We got a bunch of bootstrappers, you know?

People who say, "Pull up your bootstraps.

Every man for himself.

People need to pull their own weight."

And the problem is, that doesn't really count for people

who don't have any fucking boots.

So -- -Hmm. Well-said.

-Okay. Before we head for Skunk Mountain or wherever --

-Okay. -Where can we possibly find

even a downhill stretch in Coweta County?

You know, they used to have a ski resort

in Georgia, Sky Valley.

They shut it down about 20 years ago

basically 'cause they didn't have enough snow.

But it was up there in "Deliverance" country

on the South Carolina border.

If you wanted to drive to the closest ski place today,

it'd probably be Cloudmont.

You ever been there? -Mnh-mnh.

-Mentone, Alabama.

The only place where you can ski Alabama.

-Let's go. -[Laughs] Alright.

But first we're gonna watch the best movie

about the ultimate wintertime horror --

free ski vacations

that include a mandatory timeshare presentation.

[Laughter] You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about "Iced,"

the story of six friends

who accidentally cause the possibly suicidal head injury

of a jealous psycho downhill skier.

But, then, four years later,

they decide to revisit the scene of that tragedy

because, hey, free ski-lift tickets.

A weekend of drinking, skiing, cocaine and Jacuzzi sex --

this is more Jacuzzi --

this is Jacuzzi Sex Night on "The Last Drive In." -Yeah.

-Turns nasty when a lurking maniac in a one-piece snowsuit

with cracked, orange goggles

starts using items from Dick's Sporting Goods

for purposes other than zigzagging down the bunny slope,

if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with full frontal nudity

by the actress who played Wednesday Addams

on "The Addams Family"?

-Whoo! -I think not!

So let's take a look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Debra DeLiso

as the nubile hottie the guys fight over,

for saying, "I had a guy

take me to the drive-in in the rain once.

I didn't have any tits hardly."

Doug Stevenson as the jock who says,

"Let's see how good Mr. 'I Sky the Alps' here really is."

Dan Stinson as the jealous, unbalanced hothead who says,

"So Cory starts questioning my integrity as a skier?!"

Lisa Loring, all grown up and ready to party, for saying,

"I'm ready for the hard sell," and really meaning it.

And Joseph Alan Johnson,

the screenwriter, producer, and timeshare hawker,

for saying, "I guess you must say

I'm just a jaded L.A. thrill seeker."

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

-Three stars? -Yeah, three stars.

-[Laughs]

-Three stars.

-[Laughs] -Lisa Loring gets naked.

I mean -- Alright. -That's a star by itself.

-Timeshares are a serious business, though, Darcy.

You read about this timeshare company in Cancun?

They had this Michigan couple arrested in Mexico

'cause they disputed $116,000 in timeshare charges.

30 days in a maximum-security Mexican prison.

-Wow. Is that true? -For that couple.

It's true.

-Wow.

-But they got three months' worth of complimentary cocktails

at the swim-up bar, so, you know...

[Laughter]

[Blues music plays]

New year, new you!

You're 2026 fashion-transformation station

is right here at Big Briggs Furniture Outlet & More,

where "More" ain't just 'cause I didn't bother changing the sign.

First, get a load of this stylish bit

of men's athleisure wear.

I wore this getup during the 'Death Spa" episode,

where I wowed the world with the raw fat-burning power

of the Joe Bob five-second workout.

Let the full force of this airbrushed motto

keep you in line,

while the man in the mirror pushes through

one...

more...

rep!

Also on the rack are the ski suits

that me and Darcy are wearing

during this very Christmas special.

Hit the slopes or the runway in Darcy's electric-pink number

or my star-spangled snowsuit.

Both of them are unisex.

It's sure to stop hot toddy- slurping lounge lizards

dead in their tracks.

But wait. [Whistle!]

Pump the brakes, you handsome devil.

Didn't you just see me -- Joe Bob Briggs --

sitting pretty in this thing moments ago, seconds ago?

Are you having a stroke?

Relax! [Whip cracks]

Let Big Briggs bend time and space over his knee

to get you a deal on the best damn Christmas present

this side of the law of thermodynamics.

Go to coldcruelchristmas.com

to bid on this junk and more.

All proceeds go

to tonight's charities.

-Visit us on the web at...

[Static hissing]

[Eerie music plays]

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Pop music plays]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

[Ominous music plays]

-[Chuckling] -What do you say, Cory?

One last race, just you and me.

-What do you say you back off already, Jeff?

-No, you back off.

She's with me.

[Laughter]

-Whoa! -Come on, you guys.

-Hey! A duel to the death!

The winner gets the damsel's maidenhead.

[All cheering]

-Ah, okay, y'all!

Let's see how good Mr. "I Ski the Alps" here really is.

-Huh? Whoo!

-Ahh! -Whoo!

-Uh-oh. -Whoa!

-Hey! [Laughter]

-Come on. Wha--

[Laughs]

-Whoo! -Whoa.

-Why is Jeff doing this?

-Well, she's got this power over men.

They all want to marry her.

-[Laughs] -Shut up, Carl.

-[To the tune of Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"] ♪ Da da da da ♪

-Oh, my God! -♪ Da da da da ♪

-Trina, what is going on with you and Jeff anyway?

-Whoo! Yeah, really.

-Nothing. -Uh-huh.

-Exactly nothing. -Yeah, right.

-Trina, ooh.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

-[Laughing]

You ready, hot shot?

[Sparks hissing]

♪

-[Exhales sharply]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

-Hey!

♪

Hey, man. You alright?

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

[Pop music plays]

-♪ Can't you feel the rhythm ♪

♪ Can't you hear the music ♪

♪ You know it makes me wanna move my feet ♪

♪ Gotta keep it going ♪

♪ Don't wanna lose it ♪

♪ I just wanna move it to the beat ♪

♪

♪ I know you wanna do some kissing, hugging ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong, I really love... ♪

-Right.

♪

-Hey, buddy boy!

-Hey, I bet you're up for a rematch tomorrow,

aren't you, huh?

Hey, come on.

Maybe this time, we'll play it by my rules.

♪

[Glasses clink]

-Hey, bartender.

-How can I help you guys?

[Indistinct conversations, laughter]

-Shh!

-♪ Whoo! Everybody dancing ♪

♪ Got me coming ♪

♪ The party's getting hot and going strong ♪

♪ I feel the rhythm ♪

♪ I hear the music ♪

-[Speaks indistinctly]

-Hi.

-Hi. How you guys doing?

-Good.

Aw. Looks like he lost more than a race.

-Over here. Jeff.

-♪ But now is not the time ♪

♪ You know I'm gonna find ♪

♪ That I can't stop -♪ Can't stop ♪

-Hi.

-♪ Gotta dance ♪

-Oh, waitress.

Some, uh, lubricant for our friend here,

Mr. "I Ski the Alps."

-♪ All you want to do is make romance ♪

♪ All I want to do ♪

[Rock music plays]

♪

♪

-I feel like I could kill them.

[Scoffs] What a bunch of jerks.

No kindness whatsoever.

What?

It's like the time in the clinic in Switzerland.

[Eerie music plays]

You know it was nothing really serious.

Nothing like that.

But I-I tell them, "I skied the Alps," right?

And they don't even know the real reason I went there.

So Cory picks up on it,

starts questioning my integrity as a skier.

♪

What can I do?

[Party favor blowing]

-Awoo! -[Laughs]

-Gentlemen, start your engines.

-Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

[Rock music plays]

-Oh!

[Eerie music plays]

♪

-Thanks for listening.

Thanks.

[Both laughing]

[Muffled laughter]

[Clock ticking]

-[Sighs]

-[Laughs] Ah!

Oh!

-Jeff!

-You fuckers!

[Both laughing]

-What are you doing here?

-You came up here with me.

-I came here by myself.

Why don't you leave us alone?

-Not till I'm finished with you.

-Aw, come on. You heard her, pal.

Come on. Just leave.

-This is all your fault, you son of a bitch!

-Listen, the lady doesn't want to discuss this

any further right now.

-Jeff, we're friends.

That's all.

Sorry.

-Some friend. -Aw, come on, shit wagon.

Why don't you just take a hint, huh?

-Oh! -Oh!

-You know, you're starting to make a real asshole

out of yourself, pal!

[Laughing]

-Shit.

Oh, man.

-[Laughs]

-Oh, God.

[Glass shatters]

-[Breathes deeply]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Hey. Where are you going, man?

Why don't you come back to my room?

Let's have a drink. Come on.

It's kind of late to go skiing, isn't it?

It's starting to snow, man.

♪

♪

-Hey. -[Grunts]

-Hey.

I wouldn't go out there alone tonight.

[Rock music plays]

-Come on.

Don't let it bother you.

That guy's just an asshole.

♪

-He was making it out to be something it isn't.

♪

-Well, we can always make it into what he thinks it is.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Moaning] Oh. Oh, God.

[Moaning]

♪

♪

-[Exhales sharply]

-[Moaning]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic note plays]

-[Grunts]

[Groans]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

[Country music plays]

♪

♪ Don't call me up 'cause I won't be at home ♪

♪ I'm tired of sitting here, being on my own ♪

♪ Going fishing for my baby ♪

♪ And I can't wait ♪

-[Clears throat] Honey, why don't you get out

that letter on Snow Peak

and see what they have to say for themselves?

-"Dear Mr. and Mrs. MacGyver --"

I still love the sound of that.

"-- you are cordially invited to sneak a peek at Snow Peak."

-This is fantastic up here.

-"Ski challenging slopes

in the uncrowded wonderland environment

comparable to the Swiss Alps."

♪

-It's beautiful.

-"Spend relaxed evenings at our fabulous new lodge

or in front of the fireplace

at one of our many deluxe ski condominiums

or timeshare ski villas."

That's why I told the salesman we were into the villas.

"We are offering a free ski weekend

to examine the ultimate in resort luxury."

-A "luxury --" the word itself gives me shivers.

-Oh, now, here's the pitch.

"Our villas are handsomely appointed

and are available in a variety of floor plans and decor --"

-Honey, don't get yourself all worked up.

-"With Jacuzzi," blah, blah, blah, blah,

"and start at only $250,000."

-[Laughs] $250,000.

Gee, that's cheap at twice the price.

-"You are under no obligation --"

-Well, no obligation whatsoever.

Just leave your wife as a down payment, right?

-Cute.

Let me finish.

"Our sales representative will call on you

to answer any questions you may have.

Reserve now, a weekend in Heaven."

-[Scoffs] That's just laying it on just a little bit thick,

don't you think, huh?

-Well, here's the response letter.

Glad we could all get in on the same weekend.

-Yeah, I'm ready for the hard sell.

I once drove 200 miles to get a free microwave oven.

Sales pitch was a murder.

I didn't think they'd let me out alive.

-Well, the 250 grand price tag they got on this thing

shouldn't make it too hard to resist.

[Chuckles]

-Hey, how did we get in on their mailing list?

-Eh, you know these people. They buy lists from ski shops.

They get the register books from the resort hotels.

-Oh, yeah.

God, I can't wait to see John and Diane.

It's been ages, right?

We haven't seen them since the wedding.

-So, what have they been up to?

-Well, John just got his medical practice started -- pediatrics.

-John? -Yes.

Well, you know, him and the kids.

Well, they split up for a while,

you know, working long hours and all that.

But they got it back together.

-[Clears throat] Speaking of, uh, split-ups,

you're a little bit cagey about Eddie.

Is he gonna make it up here or what?

-Yeah.

Yeah, we had a fight. Nothing serious.

Uh, he can't get away till later,

so he'll get here eventually.

-Honey, did you get a ski report?

-Uh-huh. They're calling for heavy snow and a good base,

so it should be fine.

-Alright. We're almost there. Let's get out on those slopes.

-Yeah. -[Chuckles]

[Rock music plays]

♪

♪ Looking to the future ♪

♪ I can show you how it will be ♪

♪

♪ It's really quite peculiar, everything that I can see ♪

♪

♪ Let me tell you what it's all about ♪ [Tires screech]

♪ Come on, everybody ♪

♪ Let me hear you shout -♪ Baseball! ♪

♪ Come on, yeah ♪

-♪ Everybody shout -♪ Baseball! ♪

-♪ Baseball ♪

-God! Shit!

-♪ Ride along with destiny ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

[Groans] Fuck!

God damn it!

Son of a bitch.

[Sighs]

Holy shit!

[Sighs] God!

[Sighs]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-Hey!

Hey!

♪

Goddamn! Shit!

♪

[Screaming]

♪

♪

[Static hissing]

[Up-tempo music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Blues music plays]

♪

-Wow, Darcy. That was exhilarating.

-Which part? -That was great.

-The part where you lost your ski pole

or when you got stuck between the trees?

-Darcy... -Just asking.

-Skiing is not a competition.

Skiing is all about getting in touch with nature.

-Ski slopes aren't very natural, though.

Don't they cut down all the trees for that?

-It's getting in touch with the mountain itself,

the whole mountain.

-We couldn't find a mountain here?

-Getting in touch with the hills,

or the gentle slopes of Georgia.

-Well, you definitely got in touch with the ground.

-Yes, I did.

And I think it's an illustration of the point

they're making here at the beginning of "Iced."

The two racers fighting for the attention of a girl

are out of touch with the spiritual dimension

of Big Cottonwood Canyon,

which is where these scenes were filmed.

That ski resort is the first one ever built in Utah --

The Brighton Resort at Snowbird, known for its night skiing.

-Only the best for "Iced."

-The original title of this movie was "Blizzard of Blood."

They had to change it for some weird legal reason.

But you can see what kind of terror we're in for.

The killer is so good at what he does

that he murdered a man on foot with a 23,000-pound machine

that moves at 4 miles an hour.

Who can do that?

-Only a "Blizzard of Blood" killer.

-That was Michael Picardi as the very dead Eddie.

[Chuckles]

Michael was kind of a ski-resort slasher specialist,

because he was also in the movie "Snowballing,"

made four years earlier.

"Snowballing" was a comedy, though,

almost as good as "Ski Patrol."

But I digress.

-Don't you mean "Ski School"?

-No. "Ski School" -- No.

"Ski Patrol" is better than "Ski School."

-Oh, no. We're not having this conversation again.

"Ski School." -[Sighs]

-But anyway, you were digressing.

-Anyway, we're still raising money

for the annual Christmas auction.

You can go to our website and bid on the items for sale.

You can also buy a t-shirt or a hoodie with the official

"Joe Bob's Cold, Cruel Christmas" artwork on it,

or a giant cup,

and that will help our distressed charities

get back on their feet.

Alright. This time, this break,

we're talking about Meals on Wheels.

The cost of a meal for a person

who can't get out of the house and can't afford food

is about 9 bucks.

And that includes everything -- ingredients, cooking,

traveling to where the person lives,

sometimes physically helping them get to and from the door.

And up until this year, $6.46 of that 9 bucks

came from various federal programs

that were widely supported.

Some programs go back 70 years.

All cut.

"Let those old people find their own food" was the message.

But I want to send out a loud thank you

to the city of Jacksonville, Florida,

'cause when their Meals on Wheels program

got slashed by two-thirds -- almost 70% --

they found that 70% in their own budget.

They said, "We're not starving our senior citizens.

We're gonna step up even when the feds abandon us."

So now we have to step up for the people

who aren't so fortunate as to live

in cities that kindhearted.

So buy something, bid on something,

go to the website, read about it.

Let's get cracking on kindness.

And while you're doing that,

we're going back to the 1989 slasher "Iced,"

where Jeanette's boyfriend

has just been run over by a snowplow.

-Yeah. -Roll it.

And for those of you who don't know this yet,

Jeanette is the --

She's the redhead in the back seat of the car

talking about her recent problems with Eddie.

And Jeanette is played by Lisa Loring,

the original Wednesday Addams on "The Addams Family."

And she did this movie in a transitional time in her life.

She had previously been married

o the actor playing Cory, Doug Stevenson,

the husband of Trina in the movie.

But she had recently been working as a makeup artist,

and she worked on a porn movie,

and she fell in love with Jerry Butler, the porn star,

and they would end up being married for five years.

But right now, as Jeanette, she's feeling itchy,

if you know what I mean.

And I think you do. Are you a Wednesday Addams fan?

-How can I not be?

-Are you Jerry Butler fan? -How can I not be?

-Okay. You got to think that's quite a red-carpet couple,

you know, when they were together.

The paparazzi are gonna be all over that, you know?

The little girl in "The Addams Family"

and the star of "Talk Dirty to Me 3"

Who could resist that? -Nobody.

-[Laughs]

-Not me. -That's right.

-Well, it's been a night of highs and lows.

Emotional whiplash, my therapist calls it.

One moment, we're reveling in a silly, little slasher,

and the next, we're reminded

that civilization is rotten from the inside out

like a dead oak tree.

But the Sultan of Segway, Big Briggs,

is here to switch gears every two sentences

to confuse your gooey, empathetic center.

See that? When I do a hard turn and shift my voice,

sensory overload squeezes your frontal lobe

and makes you forget whatever I just said,

and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

I am drunk with power.

Whoo hoo! I'm the Sultan of Segway!

And speaking of whatever I just said,

you can bid on an autographed copy of the Dark Horse reprint

of "Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In."

It's a collection of classic reviews by me,

the greatest drive-in movie critic of all time --

the only drive-in movie critic of all time.

But, you know, before I was a world-famous author

and television personality,

I had a successful run as a stand-up comic.

Check out these classic yuks.

Where I'm from is Crank County, Texas.

Uh, nobody, nobody?

I guess y'all never been there, judging by your reaction.

And go ahead and tell you about it.

Our chief industry is dirt. [Chuckles]

Uh...

it's funnier in context.

A lot of people looked down on us

'cause we were dirty all the time.

[Laughter]

Of course most of the time we couldn't afford clothes.

We used to go to school naked, except in the wintertime.

[Laughter]

That setup was truncated.

Comedy's like jazz.

There's a flow.

Nobody gets it.

But what you can get is one of the 10 original posters

advertising the release of the "Dead End"

concert comedy special.

I will scribble my name and anything you want on it.

Once these suckers fly off the shelves, they are gone for good.

[Muzak plays]

♪

1986. Totally killed.

[Static hissing]

-There it is. Oh, it's beautiful.

-It looks like a Swiss chalet.

-Oh, it's charming.

-Well, let's check it out.

-Okay.

-Okay, sorry.

Oh.

Wow.

-Well, it's 3:15.

That guy said he'd be here.

-Well, let's look around.

-Let's do that. Nothing else to do.

-If I can get over here.

Okay, thanks.

[Squealing]

Oh, boy.

[Suspenseful music plays]

-Ah, this is great.

We get to freeze our asses off while we wait for this guy.

Maybe he left a key.

Oh, well.

-[Laughs] -Tight security around here.

-Uh, yeah.

-Anybody home?

-Oh, wow!

-[Laughs]

-I'm gonna check it out upstairs.

Here, babe. Keys.

-Oh!

Oh, it's so cozy!

So natural.

I love it.

Hey, you know, we should have stopped

at the store on the way.

-Oh, my God!

-It's rustic.

-I wonder what the bedroom's like.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Screams]

Jesus H., Carl!

-[Laughing]

-You scared the shit out of me!

What are you doing here?

-Good to see you, Jen.

-Damn it!

-Carl!

-Hey, Carl, man, you dirty dog!

Man, how you doing, huh?

What are you doing here?

-I got this invite to check this place out,

and I figured there was gonna be a hitch.

But when I found out you guys were coming,

hmm, it just whet my appetite for good, clean fun!

Whoo-hoo!

-Oh, my God.

Come on. Let's go downstairs and get a drink, man.

We got to wait for that real-estate guy anyway.

-He already came and went.

That's how I got in.

He said he was gonna be back to move in for the kill.

-He said that?

-No.

But that's what he meant.

I mean, I know these guys.

-Come on. Let's go downstairs to get a drink.

Come on!

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

-After college, I got a job with a pharmaceuticals company

to be near that which I love --

high-grade, pharmaceutically pure drugs.

-Girls, what do you feel about hitting the slopes?

-Mnh-mnh. Not me.

I'm gonna stay and wait for Eddie's call.

-You still with that guy?

-Yes.

-I know.

Why don't you guys go skiing

and we'll stay here and cook dinner?

-And wait for John, Diane, and Eddie.

-What do you say, Carl?

-Right on!

[Blender whirring]

-What now?

-"1 cup chopped onions."

-Okay.

-So what's happening with Eddie?

-He's under a lot of pressure.

Office politics.

Anything I say or do sets him off.

I was the one who suggested that we come up here.

He exploded.

He bitched about the hard-sell tactics they use,

said the condo was out of the question and stormed out.

He called from the office, and we had a fight.

And so I don't know.

Then we sort of made up, and he said he'd come up later.

You never can tell with Eddie.

-Why don't you call him, stop torturing yourself?

-[Sighs]

Maybe you're right.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello. Eddie?

Oh, hello, Mr. Bourne.

No. This is Jeanette Foster.

Oh, we love it.

Thank you for inviting us.

No, not yet.

Tonight?

Just a minute. I'll check.

It's Alex Bourne, the real-estate man.

He wants to come over tonight.

-Well, we can't exactly say no.

Um, tell him to come by about 8:30.

And thank him for the food. -Mr. Bourne?

How about 8:30?

Alex.

Sure.

Okay. I'll see you tonight.

-How did he sound?

-Wonderful.

Maybe it's for the best if Eddie doesn't show.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-Eh, it's getting late.

Hopefully we missed the sales pitch.

-Trina called. She asked me what I thought.

-What, about the deal?

-About us getting together and the accident.

-[Scoffs] Bad karma, huh?

-Told her it wasn't our fault.

Jeff had problems, even though he was my friend.

It's just his mom.

She -- She scared me.

-I told you, go see Friedkin at the hospital.

He specializes in chronic paranoia.

-I've had enough of hospitals.

That's what got me out here in the first place.

[Sighs] The isolation.

-You know what I think we should do when we get to the condo?

Take a guilt survey,

see who's the best candidate for psychotherapy.

-You're disgusting.

-Just medically detached.

-Then stay over there, okay?

-Hey, it helps me survive.

And get rich.

[Both whooping]

-There goes the ski.

[Laughter]

Oh! Oh, man!

I think I could get into living here.

-[Laughs]

-Oh, man. Look how quiet it is.

No crowds. Ohh!

[Breathing heavily]

Matter of fact, we're all alone.

[Laughter]

-Just wait.

As soon as word goes out,

they're gonna be packing them in here.

Condos are gonna be selling

like hookers in Times Square on a Saturday night.

[Laughter]

-Hey...

thanks for that loan.

Trina and I wouldn't have been able to be here otherwise.

-No problem, buddy. No problem!

-Hey, when was the last time?

-What?

-That we went skiing.

-A long time.

Not since [grunts] that weekend with Jeff Stinson.

-Yeah.

[Laughs] Well, I wouldn't be married right now

if it weren't for that guy.

[Both laugh]

You know, Trina still talks about that

the guilt thing.

I thought the guy had a few loose screws, but...

I didn't think he was suicidal, though.

-[Laughs]

Hey, you know, with, uh -- with John and Diane coming,

it's gonna be like old home week --

old funeral home week.

-Oh, man!

[Laughs]

Ah! Try not to mention it, alright?

-Are you kidding?! Come on!

It's gonna be a hot topic of conversation!

-Oh, gee. -Look.

Like, maybe we could, uh, hold a séance or something.

[Vocalizing "Twilight Zone" theme]

-Oh, man. No, come on. Cut it out.

We got -- We got to deal with this real-estate guy.

-Come on. You just sit back. Whoo!

-Hey! Wait up, you turkey!

Whoo-hoo!

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-[Gasps] -Sorry, Alex,

but you were a million miles away.

-No, it's alright. [Telephone ringing]

I had a strange thought.

What do you call it -- premonition?

I thought I saw something.

Eh, it's gone.

-You still look a little pale.

-I'm just tired. That's all.

-Well, you've been working hard.

Your daddy's sure gonna be proud

of what you've done here at Snow Peak.

-If we make our investment back.

-This place will sell itself.

All you got to do is take the checks to the bank.

-I hope you're right.

Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.

-Your daddy doesn't know you like I do.

He's got you nervous.

You'll do just fine.

Everyone else is gone.

Will you be needing anything else tonight?

-No, no. Go ahead and go.

Um, we're finished for the night.

-Thanks, Mr. Bourne.

-Uh, yeah. I'm out of here myself.

Oh, hey, is everything all set for the sales promo on Sunday?

-Everything's fine.

Are you going out tonight?

-Eh, maybe the lodge a little later.

I got those people staying up in phase one.

I'm gonna go call on them tonight.

-Well, get some rest. And don't worry.

Sunday will be a smash.

-Have a good time tonight.

-Oh, I plan to. I got a hot date.

[Knocking on door rhythmically]

-Oh, John and Diane are here.

[Both screaming]

-Hi. Mwah! -Hi! Hi, John!

-How are you?

-God, it's good to see you guys.

-[Laughing] -Hey, Trina.

-You look great.

-You look great. How you doing?

-Who's all here?

-Cory and...

Carl.

-Where are they?

-They're out skiing right now.

In fact, if you guys want to,

there's time before dinner for a run.

-Uh, I think it's getting a little bit late for that.

What do you say we just sit tight, get comfy?

-Okay.

Jeanette, why don't you show them upstairs?

Jeanette?

-What?

-Why don't you show these guys the upstairs?

-Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

I was just wondering where Eddie is.

Where is he?

-I have got to show you the kitchen.

Are you ready for this?

-Jeanette?

Jeanette?

Why don't you take me upstairs and show it to me?

-You got it. I'm sorry.

Come on. Let's go.

-Honey, bring my coat and the luggage.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

-Trina and I thought you'd like this room.

-It's cozy.

-Yeah? -Mm-hmm.

So how's everything going with you guys?

-Good.

-Really?

Really?

-No.

-Come here.

-Eddie's work at the office keeps him very busy.

It's a strain.

Listen, everything's fine.

I'm just glad to see you guys. -Come here.

-Aw. Me too.

-Now, I want you to relax a little and take your time

and come down whenever you're ready, okay?

-If you need anything, let me know.

Is that for me? -Mm-hmm.

-Should I open it? -Yes!

-I love them!

-Like them? -Yes!

-How you doing?

-I'm better. -Yeah?

How are you doing?

-I feel better now.

Hold me.

-Jeanette sure hasn't changed, has she?

-No. She's still obsessed with Eddie.

-Well, we'll just have to put up with her obsessions

and indulge in a few of our own.

-I'll be in the bathroom. -Okay.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-Well.

♪

♪

♪

-Hi, guys! -Look who's here!

-Hey!

[Laughter]

-Hey! Hey, how you doing?!

-Hi! -Baby!

-How you doing?

-I knew I should have brought a date.

-Hi there.

-Hey.

-Still a real knockout with the girls, I see, Carl.

-More like a strikeout.

You know I had a babe all lined up. -Yeah?

-But she bombed out on me at the last minute.

-Wonder why. [Laughs]

-So are you here -- you here for a real-estate investment?

-No. No, I just came up for the weekend.

I just couldn't resist a weekend with my dearest friends.

-Yeah. -I didn't see any car. How'd you get here?

-I flew here. I'm here on business.

-Still in pharmaceuticals?

-[Laughs] Right. And traveling.

The benefits are great.

You know, free blow and a ton of Percodan

to deal with the side effects.

So, how's pediatrics?

-Hectic. We needed this break.

-He has a 3-year-old with a severe case of diabetes.

-It gets to me. It really does.

Skiing's my medicine, huh?

-And me?! -Yeah! [Laughs]

-Aww!

Hey, you guys, let's go inside and warm up.

Come on. -Good idea.

-Come on.

[Laughter]

[Static hissing]

-I know what you're gonna say, Darcy.

It's taken a long time

to get everybody settled into this Swiss ski chalet

with the fully stocked fridge.

Would you agree with me, though,

that when Cory and Carl go skiing together

and then they fall in the snow

and they kind of talk about their regrets

while their heads are side by side,

looking up at the stars,

would you agree with me that they're some sort

of what they call homoerotic undertones there

to that scene?

-I would. And I was hoping that they would develop that.

-I don't think anything really develops

ever at all in this movie. -Fair.

-Nothing has happened since the last break.

So I'll take this opportunity to point out

that this movie was directed by Jeff Kwitny.

Ring a bell with anybody?

-"Beyond the Door III." -Exactly.

The movie that had nothing to do with "Beyond the Door I"

or "Beyond the Door II"

and had the alternate name "Amok Train,"

as in train run amok,

the movie he made in Yugoslavia with a cast and crew

that all spoke either Serbian or Italian.

And in my opinion, he pulled that sucker off.

I found that to be a pretty darn entertaining film.

"The Last Drive-In" audience was split on it.

Anyway, this movie was made before that.

This was in fact Jeff Kwitny's feature film debut.

He was working for Roger Corman's company,

doing grunt work, production assistant work,

and all he had to show was a 17-minute spoof of "Alien"

called "Illegal Alien."

But on the basis of those two things --

working for Corman and the short film,

he was hired to direct "Iced"

by the screenwriter Joseph Alan Johnson,

who you just saw

'cause he also plays the timeshare salesman, Alex.

And Joe Johnson had been in "Slumber Party Massacre."

In fact, half the cast and crew of this movie

had worked on "Slumber Party Massacre,"

including the lead actress Debra De Liso, who plays Trina.

But Joe was riding high because he'd just starred in "Berserker"

as the Viking warrior who lurks in the woods of Utah

preying on unsuspecting campers.

And he was not only the Berserker himself,

but he wrote and produced that movie,

just as he wrote and produced this movie.

So Joe was trying to bulk up his screenwriting credentials

at the time, but after this movie tanked, he moved to Italy.

He did some dubbing over there,

and then he moved to Florida to write

and produce dinner theater.

And anyway, way too much background.

But Joe Johnson, the timeshare executive,

is the producer who gave Jeff Kwitny a $150,000 budget

and 18 shooting days to make this movie.

But if you have $150,000 to spend right now,

don't make a movie.

Send it to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation.

That is one of our five charities tonight.

And in February,

this organization got a letter from the government

terminating funding for three HIV programs supporting

about 350,000 people, including 10,000 children with AIDS,

and 10,000 women with AIDS who were already pregnant.

There is no other way to put it.

This was an immediate death sentence for a lot of people.

To make it worse,

the government stopped payments for invoices

for work done before the February letter.

And here's the scary part.

This is really the main organization

that dedicates its work to newborns.

It's estimated that if this isn't fixed,

we could have an additional 1 million pediatric HIV cases

by the year 2030 with 460,000 AIDS-related child deaths.

So they need funds.

They need them now, and we're gonna send them what we can.

Bid on something, buy some of our stuff.

Go to the website.

Do your part for these babies and moms.

Whew!

I'm sorry, Darcy, that we keep getting grim tonight,

but dang! Terminally ill infants now.

-No, this is exactly what we should be doing.

-Sooner or later, something is bound to happen

in this movie though, right?

-Not necessarily. [Laughter]

-Or maybe it's an art film

and we're gonna watch all these people have

a weekend full of sex, drugs, rock and roll

through the cracked orange goggles

of the dead skier.

-That might be a better movie.

-Oh, let's get back to the flick. Right now.

Roll it.

Did you ever sit through a timeshare sales presentation, Darcy?

-I have not. What am I missing?

-You are so blessed.

They rope you in with a deal that you can't resist.

It's something like four days

of luxurious vacation accommodations for $100.

And all you have to do is give us one hour of your time.

-Well, that sounds like a good deal.

-Exactly. Only once you arrive at the tricked out timeshare sales barn

at your official presentation time,

they're so slick,

they must have nerve gas piped into the showroom.

Because 15 minutes later,

some jerk in a tweed coat has made you laugh seven times

and told you how his grandma raised goats

in Kansas or whatever.

And then they bring out these graphs and charts,

and they show you how you can't afford not to buy a timeshare

'cause you're actually gonna make money

every time you go on vacation.

And then they hire, they hire these guys

that can talk the legs off a chair, I tell you.

And the deal they're offering is only available today.

It won't be here tomorrow.

And by the way,

there's two comped dinners for tonight

at the fanciest place on the property.

Just tell Wilhelm, the maître d', that Bucko sent you,

and he'll give you an extra bottle of

Chateau d'Timeshare or whatever.

And meanwhile,

you got two thought processes working at the same time.

And the first thought process is,

"How do I get out of here without totally insulting this guy

that I now kind of like,

especially now that he's worked this hard for three hours,"

'cause it's never just the one hour.

It's three hours now,

and then the other side of your brain is going,

"Well, it's no worse than having an extra car payment,

and I'll be making all that rental money."

And so then when they detect some slight little change

in the way you're answering, they move in for the kill.

They cut the deal in half.

It becomes 50% better than it was

when you almost bought it 15 minutes ago.

And then they reel you in like a carp eating its

first Krispy Kreme donut.

-Interesting comparison.

-I was a carp, Darcy.

But I got saved by divine intervention.

-How did that work?

-Bank of America wouldn't put my credit card through.

-Ha! Lucky you.

-Something tells me

that the denizens of this Swiss chalet in Utah

are not gonna go home as happy condo owners.

-"Woo pig sooie! Big Briggs here.

Long time hog lover and bacon enjoyer

with something truly special for all my fellow pork heads

and pig aficionados out there.

This custom painted old timey advertisement

for Hogzilla's Sausages and home-cured bacon and ham.

It's sure to liven up your kitchen, man cave, or carport bar.

It's been sitting right there behind me

for like two seasons now.

Whenever I'm feeling blue, I just look at

the beautiful badonkadonk on that fat, juicy specimen.

I can smell the rich, powerful aroma

of sizzling strips of pig flesh. Mmmmm-mmm!

But wait -- did your doctor tell you to cut back on pork

because your blood pressure is higher than the parking lot

at the Gathering of the Juggalos?

First of all, that doc ain't the boss of you.

But second, he didn't say squat about poultry, did he?

We're also selling this rubber chicken signed

by the handsomest horror host outside of present company -- Svengoolie.

He gave this beauty to me when he graced us with his presence.

Look here. He even signed it just for me.

"To Joe Bob."

You can't put a price on precious memories like that.

Welp, it could be yours.

Keep it under glass in a climate controlled display case.

Or chuck it at your brother-in-law

when he's testing out material for his tight five about Disney adults.

We get it, Greg.

You're still mad about Splash Mountain.

♪♪

-Call us toll free.

♪

[Ice crackling]

[Static buzzes]

-I'm taking a shower then crashing. When's dinner?

-About an hour. Jeanette, I thought you locked the door.

-No. I thought you did. -[laughs] Oh, god.

-Anyone for coffee? -Do you want some help?

-Yes, please. -Vodka and OJ for me.

I'm a vitamin C-aholic. -Okay.

[He laughs]

♪

[Blows breath]

♪

♪

[Clattering]

♪

You think that's bad?

I had to work late at the hospital one night, right?

I had to catheterize this guy.

-No! -Yes.

So I walk into the room

and the first thing I notice are his hands.

And I thought, "My God, they're huge."

So I turn around and I go to insert the tube,

and sure enough, there's this enormous hard-on.

-Well, I'm glad somebody enjoys their job.

-Oh, and I've been meaning to thank you, Trina,

for making my life a living hell.

-What are you talking about? -You and Cory,

ever since you guys got married,

my mother hasn't stopped bothering me.

She wants to see me and John stooped in front of the altar.

She says, "Wasn't Trina a lovely bride?"

All the time.

-Well, tell her I'm flattered. -Don't be.

She just says it to make me a schizoid.

♪

-He's seeing someone else.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, I think it's someone from the office.

No. Look, this is stupid. I'm being stupid.

If it's over, it's over.

I put five years into this relationship.

That's enough.

I want more.

I deserve better.

I'm sorry. You guys deserve better, too.

I'm sorry. I'm spoiling things.

-Don't worry about it. Um, hey --

Why don't you guys go set the table

and get the guys off their butts?

-Good idea.

You know, I'm sure he loves you.

-Hey, look, it's just time that I start looking

for somebody new, that's all.

-Perhaps Mr. Alex Bourne.

-Maybe. -Or there's always, um, Carl.

-Give me a break. [Trina laughs]

♪

[Loud thud] [He winces]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Jesus!

[Knocking at door]

Yeah! Yeah?

-Hey, buddy?

We're just about ready for a little nourishment.

[Labored breathing]

You okay?

-[Breathless] Yeah.

-Can I talk to you for a minute?

-Yeah. Yeah, sure.

-You, uh, know anything about this?

-Where'd you get this?

-Found it in a drawer in my room.

I figured you being the pervert that you are, you put it there.

-Not me.

Did you show this to the girls?

-No. Not yet.

Figured I'd check with you first.

-Well, uh, I-I didn't do it.

-Diane took a lot of shit from Jeff's folks.

I mean, they blamed her. They dragged her through hell.

-Yeah. So I heard.

-Oh, well.

What is this about? Huh?

♪

-Doctor --

Life's fragile. You know that?

-Okay.

Just take it easy.

-I'm... [Gun clicks]

I'm protecting my...

-You in some kind of trouble?

-[Scoffs] No, no, and uh...

I'd like to, uh, keep it that way.

Carl --

Be careful, alright?

-[Exhales] Yeah, yeah. That's, uh, that's the idea.

Oh, god.

♪

♪

♪

-You want to talk about bizarre stuff?

One time, Diane and I went to this encounter group.

You know, we [laughs] we were having...

Anyway, we went to this encounter group.

We walked in and everyone in it is totally nude, including this --

[Laughter] Including this leader.

About 300 pounds, sitting up front

talking about life and God.

Oh, God. We said, screw this. We went to a drive-in movie.

-And it was snowing, wasn't it?

-No. In the summer, idiot.

-We went to some awful sci-fi flick.

-Oh, it was great. -It was awful.

"I Was a Teenage Martian Lesbo" or something.

You know, one of those flicks where the only time you watch the screen

is if there's someone naked or someone getting killed, or both.

-Yes, yes. -Mm-hm, mm-hm.

-I had a guy take me to the drive-in in the rain once.

We couldn't see the screen.

The speaker was on my side

and it kept raining in through the crack.

I couldn't get my door open either.

-Lucky for him.

-It flooded the car.

When I finally did get it open, I stepped into a foot of water.

-Sounds like a real hot date.

-Truly memorable. [Laughter]

I didn't have any tits, hardly.

And I was terrified my secret would be discovered.

I stuffed my bra with toilet paper.

[Laughter]

He was frantic, trying to get into my bra,

so I said I wanted to go to the snack bar --

the best diversion I could come up with, right?

But when I got back, my tits were soggy from the rain.

You should have seen his face.

Quit staring at my chest.

-I snagged a few babes in the drive-in.

-I'm sure you did.

[Snickering]

-Ahh...

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Couple moaning]

♪

[Moaning continues]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Telephone ringing]

-Hello?

Oh, hi, Dad.

Yeah, everything's all set for Sunday.

What time are you coming in?

No, no problems.

Um -- I have about 70 people, more next weekend.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, dammit.

Would you just trust me?

You know, I think you're gonna be very proud of me.

Yeah, well, give her my -- love.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

-Hi, I'm Alex Bourne.

-Hi.

-May I come in? -Oh!

Of course. I'm sorry, you must be frozen stiff.

Come in.

-Pardon me for saying this,

but you all look prepared for a funeral or worse.

[ Laughter ]

Relax. This is just a social call.

See? No contracts, no brochures.

-Thank you for inviting us.

-My pleasure. We're very proud of Snow Peak.

My father's a ski fanatic,

and he designed this place to suit his own eclectic tastes.

Like the high tech condos that you saw on the road

and these rustic ski chalets.

I thought you would like this one. -Yes.

-I thought you guys always made your hustle

in the summertime.

-Construction problems, you know,

and all that rain we had last summer.

-Can -- can I get you a drink?

-A coffee would be fine.

-Great.

♪

♪

-Where are you from?

-Los Angeles, but I've lived everywhere.

My father's developed projects from Hong Kong

to Hannibal, Missouri.

-Isn't that where Tom Sawyer is from?

-That's right.

Dad designed and built the Mark Twain Museum there.

-Really? -That is so cool.

-Well, you all seem like very nice people.

I'll leave you now. I know you want to get up early and hit the slopes tomorrow.

-Don't go yet. Stay until it stops snowing.

-It's supposed to snow all night.

-I know.

At least have a brandy before you go back out into the cold.

Stay here. I'll be right back.

-Um...

-Jeanette --

What do you think you're doing out there?

Would you two just please both be my friends for five minutes

and help me with this?

[Static buzzes]

-Carl is the most interesting character in the movie.

He loves his gun, he loves his coke,

and he loves to go full frontal naked everywhere he goes.

That is Ron Kologie,

who has an acting resume similar to most of this cast,

meaning he's worked off and on his whole life,

but he never got his big break.

All his acting has been for television commercials.

He spent six months on "General Hospital,"

still does a lot of Hallmark Christmas films.

He's from Buffalo,

and he says the best job he ever had in Hollywood

was being the pool manager at the Beverly Hilton.

300 to 400 a day in tips alone in the year 1977.

Anyway, director Jeff Kwitny said Ron was bold

and willing in the nude scenes, a real trooper.

And speaking of troopers,

the reason we have Catholic Relief Services

on our list of charities is that they got one

of those letters from the government this year,

resulting in losing 62% of their budget overnight.

No warning.

This affected food distribution around the world,

health services, agriculture services,

nutrition for children services.

Funding for refugee resettlement vanished entirely.

Cardinal Michael Czerny at the Vatican

called the lack of warning for this,

he said it was something that, quote,

"terrorized hundreds of thousands of people,"

and he called on Catholics to step up

and go to their local churches

and give money and fill in the gaps.

Watch his comments on YouTube.

But we're going one step further.

We're saying we don't care if you're Catholic or not.

Darcy's Catholic, I'm not.

We just think what's happened here is horrible,

and the blood of these people is going to be

on the hands of those who just look the other way

and let them suffer and die.

So once again, please support our Christmas auction.

It matters more this year than ever before.

And you guys have stepped up in past years.

Okay, I should talk a little bit about Trina,

the female lead,

who told the story about stuffing the toilet paper

in her bra at the drive-in.

That's Deborah De Liso,

who also had a big role in "Slumber Party Massacre,"

and she has done everything.

She's been an acting teacher for years

at the University of Southern California.

She specializes in helping people put on

their one person shows, performance art pieces.

She's directed 800 solo plays, they call them.

She's been a gymnast, a dancer.

She's done a lot of theater, mostly in Southern California.

She's done all the classic roles.

Blanche Dubois in "A Streetcar Named Desire,"

her own one woman show is about Isadora Duncan and,

uh, very impressive to me,

she taught playwriting and acting for three years

in women's prisons.

She got a grant from the California Arts Council to do that.

So that's Debra De Liso,

who started all the trouble four years ago

by being so dang hot

that two men wanted her at the same time,

and apparently she no longer needs toilet paper in her bra.

[Laughter] If you noticed.

And then her husband is played by Doug Stevenson,

who was actually a ski bum in real life for a while.

He spent a year living on the slopes in Colorado,

but he was also in "The Prowler,"

which we showed on the original marathon back in 2018,

and he was in the great Chuck Norris vehicle "Breaker! Breaker!"

Um, did small roles in TV movies.

He did 54 episodes of "Search For Tomorrow" in the early '80s.

He was actually on the cover of Soap Opera Digest

for his role as Lee Sentell in that series.

He was a baby daddy in a custody battle

that went on for years on that show.

And as I mentioned before, he and Lisa Loring,

who plays Jeanette, were married for a while.

They met while doing Off-Broadway theater

together in New York.

This movie actually has kind of a theatrical feel,

don't you think, Darcy? Very talky movie.

-Yeah, definitely. -So let's get back to it.

Roll the flick.

We went through this period in the '80s

when Utah was the place to shoot slashers.

"Silent Night, Deadly Night."

"Berserker," "Halloween 4" "Halloween 5,"

"Troll 2." And I'm not sure why.

I don't think you got any great tax credits

for shooting in Utah.

It was just a place

where people kept finding creepy locations

or maybe just cheap locations.

I think they got the use of this house for nothing

'cause they were promoting snowboard -- snowboard --

Snowbird Resort.

I don't know why you would name your ski resort Snowbird.

Isn't that the name for the retired people

who drive down from Canada or the...

[Laughter]

They come down from the northern states to be warm in the winter?

Here come the snowbirds.

Doesn't that mean elderly people with RVs driving to Arizona?

You don't want people to think your ski resort was warm, right?

Anyway, that's what they named it

when Dick Bass bought the land in 1971.

Dick Bass was the --

He was the odd brother in the Bass family of Fort Worth.

He didn't go into the oil business

like his three brothers.

He spent much of his life as a mountaineer.

In fact, he invented a sport called the Seven Summits.

The idea is that you climb to the peak

of the highest mountain on all seven continents.

And he was the first one to do that.

And he saved Mount Everest 'til last,

when he was 55 years old.

Can you name the Seven Summits, Darcy?

-Of course. [Laughter]

-Nobody can name the Seven Summits.

Well, we know the one in North America, though.

Mount Denali in Alaska, right?

Or it's just called Denali, right?

Used to be Mount McKinley, then they changed it.

-Actually, they changed it back.

-They did? -Yeah, it was Denali for ten years.

But now it's Mount McKinley again.

-Why are they screwing with us like that?

-People got upset that they started using the native Alaska name.

-People got upset by the word Denali?

-[Laughs] I guess so.

That's the word used for centuries.

-'Cause President McKinley has a fan club? [laughs]

Who goes around saying, "Wow, that guy McKinley,

what a president he was.

They should not take away his mountain."

[Laughter] -He got assassinated.

-Well, what, so they thought, "Well, he's dead.

We better name something after him.

How about the highest mountain in North America?"

-Something like that. Yeah.

-Did he go hiking there or something?

-President McKinley? No. He never went to Alaska,

much less to that mountain. -Dang.

And we still care that much about President McKinley?

-Somebody cares.

-I think we should name more stuff after William Henry Harrison.

-Darcy: Why?

-'Cause he was president for two months, and then he died.

I think every president should have a two month term.

-Agreed. -Yeah!

-Big Briggs here. And I hate to bring down the vibes,

but we gotta face it --

A loneliness epidemic is ravaging this country.

Statistics show that 96% of the people are alone

at some point on any given day. That number is too damn high.

So listen up, you lonely losers.

I got just the thing to plug the hole in your heart.

Movie night with the charming Darcy the Mail Girl

and me the Joe Bob Briggs.

We will invade your personal space and catch a flick with you

at your local theater.

Whatever movie you want.

But you know what I like. [Chainsaw buzzes]

What's that? You hate movies? You like being alone?

Well, alright.

How about snuggling up with a good book instead?

We got autographed copies of "Clown in a Cornfield"

and "Clown in a Cornfield 3"

to add to your personal library.

Where's part two?

What? We couldn't get the rights?

Where have I heard that before?

-Ho, ho, ho!

-All three books are now available. Oder online.

-The sweet baby Jesus would have loved one of these.

♪

-Visit our website for additional charity listings.

♪

[Ice crackling]

[Static buzzes]

-Allow me to propose a toast.

-Thanks.

Here's to Snow Peak's first visitors.

Many happy returns.

-Yeah. -Hear, hear.

-Whoo!

-And here's to, uh... -More snow?

-More snow. -More snow! Yeah.

[Glasses clink]

[Wind whooshing]

-This is beautiful here.

You must love it.

-Yes, it's nice.

But I've been here a while. I sort of miss the big city.

-You know, you haven't told me about yourself yet.

Who are you?

-You're very direct.

So am I.

-Well, then.

-I've lived a very privileged life.

My family is fairly wealthy, which is no great handicap.

I've been everywhere, done everything.

I guess you might say I'm just a jaded LA thrill seeker.

-We're a lot alike.

I come from a well-to-do family.

Not megabucks like yours.

But I went to good schools. Was a debutante.

-Oh, I could tell right away.

-Well, it does leave its scars.

-Lovely skin.

-Thank you.

I like to ski. I like my job.

-What do you do?

-Oh, public relations work for a cosmetics firm.

The benefits are great. Free makeup.

-Sounds very nice.

-What happens after Snow Peak?

-Well, I have my choice.

I could stay here, but my father,

his health isn't very good and, uh,

he needs me to help run our base of operations.

-Mm, noblesse oblige.

-You might say that.

What are you staring at?

-You.

-May I kiss you?

-Yes, you may.

♪

♪

[Telephone ringing]

-Uh oh. I'm hearing bells.

That could mean trouble.

-Not the hospital! -I'll get it.

[Ringing continues]

Hello?

Yes.

Well, yeah, just a moment.

Jeanette.

Jeanette! It's for you.

-Magnificent timing. Excuse me.

-I think it's Eddie.

I didn't say anything.

He didn't sound too good.

-Hello?

Eddie, if this is a joke, it's not very funny!

Hello?

Son of a bitch!

-What did he say?

-It was strange.

He said --

"This is Eddie. I'm here with Jeff now."

-What?

-He said, "I'm here with Jeff now!"

-Wait. What's going on? -Eddie just called.

-I'm sorry.

That was some old friends of ours.

-They're not coming? -No, they're not coming.

Eddie's my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

And Jeff's -- -Jeff's dead!

-Jeff was a friend of ours who died in an accident.

-Jeff Stinson.

-What? Did you know him?

-No, but I thought he was coming with you.

I mean, his name was on the list.

-What list?

-The list of people in your party.

-What are you talking about?

-I sent Jeff Stinson an invitation, and he accepted.

-Did you actually speak to him?

-Hey, man...

Where the hell did you get our names from anyways?

-Hey, cool it. -Damn it!

-We buy mailing lists.

-Listen, we all checked in at the same hotel that weekend, right?

We checked in at the same time.

Do you buy these lists from resort hotels?

-That's right, we do.

And no, I didn't speak with him.

I only talked to you.

The actual mailings were handled by our office.

-We didn't realize Jeff's name would be on the list.

-He's dead. You invited a dead man.

-And he accepted.

-I don't understand this.

-Jesus! -There must be some mistake.

I can check into this if you like.

I'll have my secretary look into it in the morning.

I think I'd better go.

Um, here -- here's my card in case you need to call me.

Um...

Good night.

I'm sure this is just some oversight.

-Or somebody's idea of a cute joke!

-Sorry the evening took a bit of a nosedive.

-Well, I'm sure we'll clear it up.

-Take care.

Call me if you need anything.

♪

How did your friend die?

-A skiing accident.

Carl, you did this.

You.

You and Eddie are playing a trick, right?

-Carl, are you behind this?

-Why is everyone pointing the finger at me?

-Carl, are you doing this?

-No! And will you all lay off?

I'm not doing anything.

John, I think this is as good a time as any to tell them.

-Tell us what?

-I found this news clipping about Jeff's death in my room.

-And I didn't do that either.

And I've got a gun.

I might as well tell you before he does.

-Alright, hold it. It's Eddie, alright?

It's gotta be Eddie. -What?

I don't understand. He'd cheat on me, yes.

Yes, but practical jokes -- it's not Eddie's style.

-Are you sure it was him you talked to on the phone?

-Well, yes.

-Jeff's mother told me after the funeral.

She damned me.

She said I was responsible

and that the family would avenge his death.

I was supposed to look out for him.

She knew he was...

-A freak.

-Will you shut up?!

He had problems.

I was friends with him since I was five years old.

-Diane, you're the one that set me up with that guy.

-I thought it would help.

-Diane, this isn't your fault, okay?

-The inquest, the questioning, the lies,

his mother burning holes through me with her eyes.

-Maybe it's Jeff's mom, okay?

-[Laughs] The next thing you know,

we're see old Jeffy flying in here like

Casper the Friendly Ghost.

-Shut up!

-Shut the fuck up, all of ya!

Now, Jeanette, go over there and get on the goddamn phone.

Call Eddie and find out if he's the one

that's busting our balls, now!

-[Cries]

[Ominous music plays]

♪

- We have to ask you to come back down here.

-Trina, everything's okay.

Everything's okay, isn't it?

-It's so fitting that Eddie's the merry prankster.

-That was the hospital.

I've got an emergency c-section.

Fetal distress. I got to go.

-John, it's snowing like hell out.

-I'll get Diane.

-Diane? -Sleeping.

I'll warm up the car.

-John.

-I'm sorry about this.

-Nah, it's a drag, man.

You won't be able to get any use out of that new ski

equipment you got.

-We'll call you in the morning.

-Make sure you drive safe.

-I will. -All right.

♪

-Can't sleep.

Damn it.

-I know.

We're leaving.

-You heard.

-Pretended I was asleep.

I can't take it.

I'm sorry I freaked out.

I'm okay now.

-It's okay, Diane.

It's just that we'll miss you.

-Yeah.

-We'll be back tomorrow.

And if he can't, I will.

-Can't you just stay tonight?

-It's too dangerous to drive alone in this storm.

He needs me.

[Buzzing]

♪

-[Gasping]

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

Open up!

[Banging on door]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Screaming]

-It's too bad John and Diane had to leave.

-It's his duty.

Remember, neither rain nor snow nor gloom of night.

You know, you may want to sleep with me tonight, just in case.

-In case of what?

-There is a ghost.

-You're really something. You know that?

[Sighs]

-I would love to make the blood pulse hard

in your veins again.

-You know, if this is one of Eddie's little tricks,

I swear he will be with Jeff when I get through with him.

I can't believe I said that.

-Oh, it's okay.

Your mind's on other things,

like playboy real estate tycoons.

You know, you two were looking pretty cozy.

-I feel really stupid throwing myself at him like that.

[Sighs]

-He wasn't exactly repulsed.

-Thank you.

That, I will take as a compliment.

Carl!

[Muffled yelling]

[Screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Music intensifies]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

[Fire crackling]

♪

[Fire crackling]

[Static]

-And so Jeanettes horniness is extinguished

by a battery-operated boombox tossed into the hot tub.

Or was that a space heater?

-Who cares? -Whatever it was,

it fried Wednesday Addams.

But wasn't she getting raped by Carl

just one scene before that?

Was she cleaning herself up after the rape?

It didn't look like it.

Looks like she's grooving on that Jacuzzi.

And while we're on the subject of weird kills,

is it really possible to kill somebody with an icicle?

Because that happens in this movie,

and then it happens again in 2003, in "Shredder,"

which also has a hot tub death scene.

In "Shredder," six college kids picked off

by a mysterious killer in ski garb

at an abandoned ski resort.

So it's not a rip off of this movie

because the ski resort is abandoned.

-It's so different.

-It's good.

-No, I said it's different. That's not good.

-Anyway, Lisa Loring, who played Jeannette,

had a complicated life.

She is yet another one of those actors

who is remembered for the very first thing she ever did,

which was to play Wednesday Addams

when she was six years old.

She was raised by an alcoholic single mom

who drank herself to death at the age of 34,

when Lisa was 14.

She got married at age 15, the first of four marriages,

but she had a drug addiction period.

And then when her close friend Kelly Van Dyke

committed suicide --

Kelly Van Dyke was the daughter of Jerry Van Dyke --

um, Loring was the one who found the body,

and she was so distraught that she attempted suicide herself,

but she didn't take quite enough pills.

And then she tried various ways

to reinvent herself over the years.

She spent three years on "As the World Turns."

In her early 20s, she starred in a movie called Blood Frenzy.

And this movie was her first time doing nudity,

and she was doing it to get people to see her differently.

Uh, for a long time,

she worked at a Santa Monica interior design company,

and she said she got along with all her ex-husband's

except for Jerry Butler,

because she tried to get him to quit porn,

even though she met him on a porn set.

But she tried to get him to quit porn,

and he kept doing it secretly.

And when she found out,

she divorced him and never forgave him.

Anyway, Lisa Loring is no longer with us.

She passed away in 2023

after her chronic high blood pressure caused a stroke.

And sure enough, all the obituaries said

"Wednesday Addams dies at age 64."

John C. Cooke,

the doctor who got a ski pole through the throat,

he had a dozen or so acting credits,

but he was pretty much done with the business by 1994.

Elizabeth Gorcey, the actress playing Diane,

who says, "The inquest, the questioning, the lies,

his mother burning holes through me with her eyes,"

and then gets stabbed to death with the icicle --

she had small parts in big movies

like "Teen Wolf" and "Footloose,"

but she quit acting to be a documentary film producer

and involved herself in nonprofit causes

like teaching art to terminally ill children

and writing children's books.

And in 2021 she directed,

produced, and acted in a black comedy called

"Peeling the Stinky Onion,"

about a wacky grief counseling group.

Yes, that's what I said.

And as we approach the stunning conclusion of "Iced,"

I want you to remember

that the auction continues until Christmas.

You can still bid even after tonight.

Just go to the website

and you can also purchase the t-shirt and the hoodie

and the giant cup.

We're trying to raise more money than usual,

'cause this has been an extraordinary year

where, I don't want to say bad people --

I don't think anybody gets up in the morning and says,

"I think I'll be mean to babies with Aids today."

Or "I think women with abusive husbands

can take care of themselves

without the need of counseling or shelters."

I think it's just that there's a prevalent

"that's-not-my-problem" attitude,

and somebody else should pay for that attitude.

And we're starting to treat everybody

as strangers and aliens instead of brothers and sisters.

And it's not bad people.

It's just clueless people and weak people.

And with that,

I'm going to send us back to the conclusion of "Iced."

So roll it.

Top five ski movies, Darcy.

-"Ski School."

-You mean "Ski Patrol"?

The "Police Academy" of ski resorts?

-No, I mean "Ski School."

I will also accept "Ski School 2."

[Laughs] -Okay.

-"Downhill Racer" with Robert Redford.

-"Hot Dog...The Movie," baby. -Oh, that's a classic.

-Yeah it is.

-What's the one where the three guys

are trapped on the ski lift?

-"Frozen." When the trapped dude is Joe Lynch.

-Really? -Yeah.

It's an Adam Green movie.

-Okay, well, that's at least four.

What great ski movie are we leaving out?

-Uh, "Downhill"?

-What's that? "Downhill."

-The remake of "Downhill Racer" with Will Ferrell.

-No. No remakes.

No remakes.

-"Out Cold." -What's that?

-Jason London is a snowboarder who saves the mountain

from a greedy developer played by Lee Majors.

-"Snowboarding." Does that count as skiing?

Is that a comedy?

-I mean, it's no "Hot Dog... The Movie," but I count it.

-What about "Better Off Dead"?

How could you miss "Better Off Dead"?

-"Better Off Dead"? -Yeah.

The John Cusack thing. -Ohh.

-I feel like that would have been a better answer

than whatever that shit was.

-Really? We left that out.

GWAR!

GWAR!

GWAR stuff.

We've got GWAR stuff.

This GWAR comic and this Blu-ray copy of the documentary

"This Is GWAR" are up for grabs.

Both signed by the whole crew of Intergalactic Scumdogs.

GWAR!

And I'm also selling this lightly-used western shirt

and these cowboy boots that they recovered

from Gor-Gor's stomach

Gore stomach after I got snacked on back at Halloween.

It's got dino-damage.

[Dinosaur roars]

GWAR!

-Happy holidays from Big Briggs Furniture Outlet and More.

♪

[Static]

♪

[Fire crackling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Sniffles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Clank]

-[Screaming]

[Gunshots]

-[Exhales]

[Wind blowing]

Carl.

Hey, Carl.

Jeanette?

Carl?

Oh, shit.

Carl!

[Gasps]

[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Cory?

[Click]

[Click]

♪

Cory?

♪

♪

Jeanette?

Anybody there?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Cory?!

Cory!

[Cory moaning]

Oh, my God!

♪

-Get out.

Get some help. -Oh, my God.

Who did this to you?

-Get some help.

-Yeah, okay.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Oh, shit, the keys!

♪

♪

[Screaming]

♪

♪

Carl!

Carl!

♪

♪

[Birds chirping]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Cory?

Cory?

Cory, wake up.

Cory, wake up.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Telephone ringing]

-Hello?

-Alex.

I need help.

-Trina, is that you?

-Please come.

They've all been murdered.

-Um, hey, stay calm.

I'll be right there.

I'll have the police on the way.

♪

♪

[Dramatic sting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

-[Screams]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Trina?

-Alex?

-It's Alex.

I called the police. Where are you?

-Alex, he's still here.

Be careful!

♪

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Who are you? Jeff?

What do you want?

Who are you?

Alex!

-I've saved you for last.

I knew Jeff would want me to take real good care of you.

You're gonna be joining him soon.

-I don't understand.

-You see, I have you and him to thank for this.

-Oh!

-See, Jeff's an old friend of mine.

We go way back.

I ran into him that weekend four years ago.

We had a long talk.

He told me all about you.

I tried to help him, but he wouldn't listen.

You pushed him over the edge!

I went down the slope and tried to save him.

You ruined my life.

I had everything, and you took it away from me.

And now you must pay.

I've spent a long time planning on how you would pay.

-It's not my fault. -Of course it is!

I could have been a world-class skier,

a world-class businessman.

And you took it away from me!

I became an object of pity.

Everyone pitied me.

"Poor Alex, poor amputee."

My father treated me like I'd died.

So I found all of you and planned this little party.

Made my recovery so much easier.

Well, now the party's over.

And you're gonna do me one last favor before I kill you,

just like you killed Jeff,

just like you killed me.

-Ah!

[Gunshot] [Alex groans]

-[Gasping]

[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

[Sentimental music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Electronic humming]

[Electronic tone]

[Static]

-Well, they don't write them like that anymore, do they?

[Laughs]

We should have known the killer had to be

the timeshare salesman, right?

That was Joe Johnson,

the screenwriter and producer playing the killer.

And let me just check, Darcy, but you tell me

if I understand the killer's motivation correctly.

In the first part of the movie,

he's the guy in the party bar that Jeff is talking to.

Remember, Jeff is talking about how everybody makes fun of him,

and nobody is kind,

and you wonder whether he's just talking to himself.

Or maybe there's somebody on the other side of the table.

Well, there is somebody on the other side of the table,

and it's Alex, the timeshare hawker.

And so, right before Alex attempts to rape Trina

at the end of the movie,

he decides to share his motivation with Trina.

And his motivation is that he was trying

to save Jeff's life that night,

that he hit his head on the rocks.

And in the process of doing that,

he lost a leg,

and that ruined his chances of being a championship skier

and a wealthy businessman.

Plus, quote, "My father treated me like I had died,"

and so he saved all Jeff's ski equipment

and those cockeyed goggles

so he could stalk and kill everybody who made fun of Jeff

when he tried to date Trina.

Does that sum it up?

-I think you nailed it.

[Laughter]

-What did you think of the movie?

-Oh, my.

It's not a "good movie," per se, but it's fun.

Which, as we know, counts a lot for me.

I love the cozy winter atmosphere,

the nudity is amazing -- go Wednesday.

And you gotta dig that insane ending.

Four stars.

-Four stars? -Four stars.

-Oh, yeah. -It's Christmas.

-You know, I failed to mention the Alex jumping

out of the snowman freeze frame.

-How can you not mention that?

-Presumably to attack the children of Cory and Trina?

And when Trina runs through the snow

wearing that short white coat and the snow boots

and nothing else, you know, that's kind of awesome.

-She took one for the team.

-Also, Alex must live really close

to the rental property, right?

Because he does all his killing and stabbing,

and then he has time to go home and go to sleep

and be awakened by Trina's panicked phone call

when she discovers the killing and the stabbing.

Because what would you do if you found dead bodies everywhere?

Call the police? No, she's absolutely right.

Call the timeshare guy.

He's going to know what to do.

-Of course he is.

-So -- So "Iced" went straight to video.

No theatrical release at all.

-What?

[Laughter]

-It's based on other stuff coming out at the time.

That seems a little unfair, actually.

But it was a big disappointment for Jeff Kwitny and Joe Johnson.

Kwitny would make two more movies,

and then he would have a second career

writing children's animated TV shows.

He got an Emmy for the series "Animaniacs" on the WB network.

-Yeah. Fuck yeah.

-But eventually he decided he didn't want to play

the Hollywood game anymore,

and he became a very popular English teacher

at Harvard-Westlake, the prestigious prep school in L.A.,

where they filmed the daytime scenes in "Angel,"

Don't know if you remember that. -Of course.

-[Coughs]

So Kwitney taught there for 18 years,

and he retired in 2018 to write novels.

Okay. Take it away, Darcy.

-Oh, yes. -While I cough again.

[Coughing]

I got your attention? Good.

This is the last time I'm going to say it.

You want exclusive Fright Rags merch?

Tonight is the gall darn night.

For donating 50 bucks,

you get a Cold Cruel Christmas t-shirt

only available through this offer.

Amazing!

For donating 100 bucks,

you get the t-shirt and this sick, nasty hoodie.

Tremendous!

And if you find it in your holiday heart

to donate 150 bucks,

you'll get all that in this big ass 64 ounce cup.

Wow!

Yes, sir. The biggest one ever made.

Cup so handsome that you'll want your ashes interned in it.

And you will fit two half a damn gallon.

Go to coldcruelchristmas.com

to order these exclusive items or bid in the auction.

-Okay, so,

I was looking for something Christmassy in the mailbag,

and I found this letter from a Christian

who wants to discuss the fact

that his parents tried to warn him to stay away from you.

-A Christian who wants to warn...

-His parents. -His parents warned him.

-To stay away from you... -Oh, my God.

-...as a Christian. -Okay.

Merry Christmas. -Who is it?

-Um, Ben Cyrus, I believe.

Of Benton, Kentucky. -Interesting. Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob and Darcy, I write this letter in humility.

I know you get tons of fan mail,

and this is just a drop in the bucket,

but I wanted to share my story in hopes it brightens your day.

I was raised in a strict reformed household.

Fierce Calvinist, guys.

That should hit home with "Carrie" fans.

[Laughter]

As quiet rebellion against the legalism,

I downloaded Shudder during COVID

and started watching "The Last Drive-In."

I was a high school sophomore and for the first time,

no one could tell me what I could and couldn't watch.

You were both instantly cool to me.

-Yay! -Watching the show felt like

hanging out with my two zany,

movie-loving friends.

I'd previously been into arthouse films.

But you certainly tore the veil between art and trash.

I saw that a movie could be anything a filmmaker wanted.

For half a decade, your show was a beacon of hope to me

in a cinematic landscape of low-effort reboots

and soulless blockbusters."

Now here's the "Sleepaway Camp" level plot twist.

"I recently became a born-again Christian

and now identify as a five-point Calvinist."

Okay, I'm confused already by this letter.

-I am too. What is a five-point Calvinist?

-That's somebody who believes there's no free will.

There's just the elect and the non-elect

and the saved and the unsaved.

And there's -- there's five doctrines.

I don't -- I don't remember what they are.

-Okay, but didn't he say he was raised that way?

-Yes, he did, but maybe we screwed him up, you know.

And then he had to--

-Get reborn. -You know.

-Alright. -Okay.

-"I would love to respectfully debate you sometime.

I'm sure you've got plenty of smart counterpoints."

I don't have any smart counterpoints

to 16th century French theologians, no.

"Some films I used to love

I now approach more cautiously.

But I want you both to know this.

I love you and the show more than ever.

Too many Christians in the Bible Belt

are so afraid of worldly things,

they forget we're called to be salt and light to our neighbor,

even if our neighbor critiques West German sex comedies.

I'm still cheering you on

even as my parents tried to discourage me

from coming to your Nashville show tonight.

I guess he wrote this right after my show at, uh,

we did a show at Chiefs on Broadway in Nashville back in --

When was that? July? -July.

-Alright, "You have both done so much for film lovers like me,

and I respect both of you.

Endlessly praying God's will for both of your lives

and wishing you both the absolute best.

Love you all, signed a Calvinist drive-in mutant,

Ben Cyrus. Benton, Kentucky.

The drive in will never die.

P.S. if you ever write back,

I'll frame it like a Baptist frames Jeremiah 29:11."

Would mean the world. [Laughter]

Dang.

Well, Ben, if you went to that Nashville show,

you already heard me talk about redneck religion,

so I don't know what we'd have to debate about.

-What was that Jeremiah thing about?

-I've heard of that.

But that's a verse they use about God promising

that things are going to get better.

He's got a plan.

Don't give up. Inspirational verse.

So you don't dwell on the depressing verses.

Anyway, I've gotten the same comment from a lot of people.

"Love you, Joe Bob, but I don't approve of the movies you show."

And so I'm going to say this one time and one time only.

Christmas is the only holiday

where I allow people to quote scripture,

and allow myself to quote scripture.

So it's Jesus's birthday.

And here's what Jesus says about this.

In the book of Mark, it's actually in the Bible in three or four places,

and I'm going to use the King James Version,

because if I don't use the King James Version,

people will say, I'm distorting the Bible.

"There is nothing from without a man

that entering into him can defile him.

But the things which come out of him,

those are they that defile the man."

Easier way to say it is, it's not what you consume,

it's what comes out of you.

End of debate.

So God bless all our Christian friends.

God bless all our Muslim friends.

God bless all our Jewish friends.

And uh, by the way,

earlier I was talking about how Joseph was an observant Jew.

So he always gave to the poor

and the stranger and the outcasts.

But that same commandment is in Islam,

in the form of the zakat, one of the five pillars of Islam.

And the Quran actually goes into a list

of who you're supposed to help -- the needy,

the stranded, the traveler, people who are in debt,

people who are hungry.

So this is not a Christian thing.

It doesn't belong to any one religion.

It's universal.

There's something about recognizing the needs

of other people that's just basic.

Okay. Merry Christmas, everybody.

From me and from Darcy, the mail girl,

reminding you that Netflix

will always help you finish spelling the name

of the movie that you're looking for

in order to tell you that they don't have it.

And the drive-in will never die.

If you have one snowball in your left hand

and one snowball in your right hand, what do you have?

Frosty's full attention.

[Laughter]

What does Santa call reindeer that can't fly?

Dinner?

-No.

-Why did Mrs. Claus divorce Santa?

She couldn't cope with all the "ho's".

Alright, alright, alright.

Real joke, real joke.

Rich man and a poor man are talking.

Poor man asks the rich man,

"What'd you get your wife for Christmas?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

And the poor man says, "Why both?"

And the rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the ring,

she can return it in the Mercedes

and she'll still be happy."

And so the rich man says to the poor man,

"So what did you get your wife for Christmas?"

The poor man says, "Slippers and a dildo."

The rich man says, "Why both?"

The poor man says if she doesn't like the slippers,

she can go fuck herself.

[Laughter]

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas!

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-Made in Georgia.