All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S36E01.Curtains.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-poets_track3_[eng]

[Static buzzing]

♪

♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the Drive-In ♪

♪ hanging around,
watching crazy movies ♪

♪ So come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
Last Drive-In Show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies,
and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last
Drive-In Show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show
It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show
It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪

[Wind blows]

♪

[Static buzzes]

♪

♪

-Welcome to "Joe Bob's
Cold, Cruel Christmas,"

our annual holiday special
on "The Last Drive-In."

We have a couple of icy,
cold, frostbitten,

'80s slashers for you tonight.

Because it was a cold,
cruel year for a lot of people.

And so we wanted to make
things worse.

-Ah! That's terrible.

-Well, you know
how horror works, Darcy.

You watch horror.
Aah.

[Darcy laughs]

As comfort food --

to avoid the real horror
that's pecking at your window.

-You really think
2025 was that bad?

-Well, 2025 was great for
some people and bad for others,

but it was mostly great for the
people who were already okay.

And bad for the people who were
trying to get to the okay
milestone.

-Fair.

-You know, all those people
we know at the shows

and the conventions
and the people

who order the videos
to send to their cousin

who just lost his job,

and the aunt whose mother died
and the couple getting married,

who can't afford
a decent apartment in Sarasota.

Those people.

-Why Sarasota?

-I don't know, people in
Florida get kicked around a lot.

I heard a lot of Florida stories
this year.

-This is not your normal
Christmas attitude, though.

-No, it is not my
normal Christmas attitude.

But it's Christmas, so
we're gonna be happy, right?

And for my
annual Christmas message,

You know how this works, right?

-Yes, I do.

-Normally I retell the
Christmas story in Bethlehem,

and then we single
out some aspect of the story.

And that's the theme leading
into our Christmas auction,

where we raise money
for our four charities.

And those charities
always represent the people

inside the stable
at Bethlehem on Christmas Eve.

We have one charity for women.
'Cause of Mary,

one charity for children
because Baby Jesus,

one charity for animals
'cause of that donkey.

You know, the woman was
nine months pregnant,

had to ride 90 fucking miles
on that donkey.

You know, so we honor them.

And then one charity
for the forgotten, the poor,

the homeless, the left out
part of the population.

'Cause that's
why the miracles happen

in the stinky part of the house.

'Cause that's what
it's all about.

It's about bringing hope
into the world, right?

-A stinky part of the house?

-Well, yeah,
'cause that stable...

Uh, that was just actually where
the family keeps the animals,

you know,
it's like a cluttered garage

where Dad keeps
rusty jumper cables and stacks

of old National Geographics.
So you feed the donkey there.

And by the way,

if you're not Christian,
we're not leaving you out.

Jesus' family was Jewish,
of course.

And the place
where this happened,

the Roman colony of Judea had
a lot of non-Roman minorities,

like Greeks and Syrians
and Idumaeans and Nabataeans,

and nobody cares about
the Idumaeans and the Nabataeans

'cause nobody remembers
who they were, but...

-That's way off topic.

-Yeah, I know,
but my point being,

if you're Muslim or Buddhist
or what's the one in Iran?

Bahá'í? Zoroastrian?
Is that the same thing?

Bahá'í and Zoroastrian --
or Hindu or whatever you are,
atheist.

This is still gonna
make sense, okay?

But since it's Christmas, I'm
gonna do the Christmas story.

-Let's do it.

-But I just want to make
it clear that we're --

What do you call it
when you include everyone?

-Nice.
[Laughter]

-Well, yeah, but universalist,
I think, is the official term.

The horror community
accepts everybody.

We have bikers.
We also have skateboarders.

We also have
downhill skiers, so...
-Crazy.

-And speaking of
downhill skiing,

I thought you were
gonna put on a ski suit!

-I did!
This is a --

-Is that a ski suit?

-It is to me.
And I got boots.

Ski boots.
-Oh, come on.

You're gonna freeze
your butt off

when we hit the slopes tonight.

-The slopes of Coweta County?

-Yeah, the slopes
of Coweta County, Georgia.

-Whoo!

-But right now,
I want to talk about Joseph,

the dad in the Christmas story.

Joseph had every dirty job
in the Christmas story.

First of all,
his wife is pregnant

and they've never had sex.

He's got to be thinking, "Yeah,

I think I understand
what's going on here,

but damn. I mean,
is the kid even mine

once we get it?"

But he has to put
all that out of his mind,

'cause, you know,

why is he schlepping
everything 90 miles

in the first place from
Nazareth to Bethlehem?

'Cause the government says
he has to register

for the census
in his family towns

so they can tax him properly.

He's basically going on
a 90 mile hike

through rough country
full of wild animals

with a pregnant woman,

harsh weather, no place to pee
most of the time,

he's losing money from not being

able to run his carpentry
business back in Nazareth.

His family in Bethlehem
has no place for him to sleep

once he gets there,
and he's doing it all

so the tax collector will know
how to find him.

Are you kidding me?

And then the tax rate is
probably gonna be 50% on him
'cause he's a Jew.

So my point is
the Roman Empire at this time

was run by billionaires.

The emperor was a billionaire.

The senators were billionaires.

Herod, the local client king,
he was a billionaire.

And as long as they liked you
and you were Roman,

you could have a nice life.

If they didn't like you,

you could be jailed,
flogged, killed by the military,

left by the side of the road
as a warning to others.

The soldiers had no loyalty
to anybody except the Emperor,

nor did the senators.

They pretty much did
whatever the emperor wanted

so they could keep their wealth
and their status.

And the result was
that people like Joseph

were just regarded as losers.

They were just the people
that you taxed

to pay for the new stadium,
or the new palace,

or the standing army

that put down
the occasional revolt among Jews

who made the mistake of refusing
to do what they were told.

So there was no free speech.
If you insulted the emperor,

that could result
in the death penalty.

It was a brutal government
that on the surface

it looked like fun.

They're building stuff.
They're building pleasure domes

and athletic fields and
castles and fortresses.

But it was really built
on racism,

oppression of foreigners,
and contempt for the poor

and the physically disabled.

And all those cities they built,

the ones that eventually
crumbled into nothing,

created huge
environmental havoc.

They used up all the wood
and the stone and the water

without any thought
to replacing it.

And just to remind you
of who was in charge,

they put these Roman soldiers
everywhere,

so you would know that they
don't just defend the country

against foreign invasion,

they defend the rulers
of the country against
you
.

So what does Joseph do
as one of the losers?

He walks that 90 miles
with his pregnant wife.

He registers for the census.

He pays the tribute to Rome.

He pays the temple tax
to Jerusalem.

He pays the market tax.

He pays the agriculture tax
on the subsistence garden

that he has to feed his family.

He pays all the road tolls.

He's kind
to those Roman soldiers

stationed along the road.

He follows the biblical doctrine
of giving to the poor,

even though he's poor himself.

And he waits on outside help.

And the political landscape is
so bleak

that the only outside help
he can wait on

is divine intervention.

And then the baby Jesus is born.

Hope enters the world.

Not in Herod's castle,
not in the emperor's palace,

not in the Roman style stadiums

that they're building in Galilee
with all that tax money.

Hope enters the world
in the stinky place

where it's hard to sleep.

The people who have
closely followed this show

for the last seven years are
very generous with the way

that they share their lives with
me, you know?

Quite a few of those people,

the Mutant Family,
lost their jobs this year.

Or they got downsized.

You know, I come from
a family of federal employees,

so I know
why people take those jobs.

They can make more money
in the private sector,

but they trade
financial success for security

and the feeling of patriotism

that comes with even
the most menial

of United States
government positions.

Well, a lot of those
federal employees were fired,

replaced, forced out,
told they were useless.

And then "The Last Drive-In"
also has a big military
following, okay?

I've got enormous respect
for the military,

all branches of the military,
and especially the
US Marine Corps.

They really do protect us,
night and day.

Those tough sons of bitches
at Camp Lejeune,

they are ready to go anywhere
in the world at any time.

They are physically ready,
emotionally ready.

Their training is the best
in the world.

They are fearless.
They are committed.

And I know 'cause we have
so many of them that are fans,

some of them
felt they were used in ways

they didn't sign up
for this year.

Sometimes to intimidate people

and that made for a bad year
for them.

"The Last Drive-In" has a lot of
viewers in farming communities.

Some of those communities
were shaken to the core
this year

by new shocks that caused them
to have trouble keeping their
crops moving

to, often to foreign
destinations

and in some cases, it caused
crops to rot in the fields.

And I can't even begin to list
all the slings and arrows

that rattled the people
that we know

that were living
alternative lifestyles.

And then -- this is the other
half of my family, the teachers.

And it really, it's probably
30% of the Mutant Family

is teachers of one sort
or another.

Educational institutions
in general were told,

Pay for it yourself,
you're getting no more help."

And thank God, in many cases
they were able to do that

'cause people will still step up
and do the right thing

when kids are involved.

So not a good year
for the Mutant Family,

but a year when what
we were called on to do

is follow the example of Joseph.
Because you're poor,

you help the ones who are
even poorer than yourself.

So that's what the Christmas
auction is all about this year.

Let me use a more American
example than Bethlehem.

In John Steinbeck's novel
"The Grapes of Wrath" --

people still read that book?

I don't think people read
that book anymore.

Anyway, in this novel called
"The Grapes of Wrath,"

written by John Steinbeck,

the Joad family has to flee
Oklahoma

because of the Dust Bowl,

and they go from migrant camp
to migrant camp

on their way to California.

Then California turns out to
be not much better than Oklahoma

'cause it's full of hostility
and cruel law enforcement types

and new hardships.

And so the matriarch
of the family, Ma Joad,

she's looking back on all
they've been through,

everywhere they've lived,
where people were sick

and hungry and desperate,
and she says,

"If you're in trouble or hurt or
in need, go to the poor people.

They're the only ones
that'll help."

The only ones that'll help.

And that's
why this year we're doing

the Christmas auction
a little differently.

The mutants are hurting, but
the mutants are reaching out.

First of all,

we have five charities
instead of the usual four,

but all the charities are
organizations

that got nuked in one way
or another

by the crazy chaos of 2025.

And anything you buy
in the Christmas auction,

or if you can't afford
the auction,

you can buy one
of our premium items.

We have a Christmas
special T-shirt.

We have a Christmas
special hoodie.

We have a Christmas special
humongous drinking mug,

it's the biggest mug
I've ever seen in my life.

Anyway, whatever you spend,
100% of that money

goes to the following charities.

Our children's
charity this year is

the Elizabeth Glaser
Pediatric Aids Foundation.

Why?
Because in February

they got a letter saying
their grants were terminated

for 10,000 children
and 10,000 pregnant women.

So 20,000 lives endangered
overnight.

Our animal charity for this year

is the Xerces Society
for Invertebrate Conservation,

which works to protect
endangered species

that nobody else cares about.

Why do they need help?

'Cause one third of their budget
was terminated

once again,
overnight by the government,

apparently because they worked
to reduce the use of pesticides

that kill off
the endangered species.

Our charity for women this year
is the Women's Advocacy Center,

which helps survivors
of domestic abuse.

'Cause listen to this --
an estimated 680,000 women
and children

are now without support services

because of funds
that were frozen or withdrawn,

the funds that keep
domestic violence shelters open.

And as we know from the past,
when you close shelters,

the death rate goes way up.

So grants for
the Violence Against Women Act

have been reduced by 38%

in a year that's seen a 50%
increase in housing help
requests.

Another way to say housing help
request would be

screams to be rescued

in a year that saw a 15%
increase in calls to the
hotline.

And our fourth category,
as usual,

is our charity
for the disenfranchised,

the left out, the powerless.

And we have two of those
this year

'cause there were a lot
of powerless people out there

trying to deal with things
out of horror,

out of horror movies, really.

The first charity is
Catholic Relief Services,

which works on behalf
of refugees.

All the grants got cut off,
impacting not just a few people,

but literally millions
of homeless people

in various locations
all over the world.

The people who run the --
it's an American organization --

the people who run it
had to report to the Pope

that food was rotting
in warehouses

and that vulnerable people
were gonna starve,

and that services for the sick

and the malnourished children
that rely on them

were gonna be affected
in more than 100 countries.

And finally, our fifth charity,
Meals on Wheels,

in total limbo

because of congressional cuts
and executive cuts.

Seniors have been literally
left without any way to eat.

I'm not even gonna go into
the details of this,

but it's pathetic

that America has turned
its back on the elderly.

This is classic widows
and orphans stuff.

This is picking on sick people,

lonely people,
and disabled people.

Okay, so we're going to help
where we can order a shirt,

bid on an auction item,
go to our website,

see what can be done.

And I promise,
the rest of tonight's show

won't be as sobering
as the remarks I have just made.

It's just
that I know our audience,

and I know our audience will
help. If you ask them to help,
they do help.

Okay. Darcy.
-Yeah.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did that
this year.

-It's all good.
-But it is a cold, cruel
Christmas. What can I say?

But right now,
we're gonna lighten things up

with some serial killer carnage
in the snow.

-Yeah.
-And our first movie.

Our first movie has been called,
a writer for Dread Central

called this movie
"The ultimate forgotten
slasher,"

although that's been
a while back,

so it's not quite
so forgotten anymore.

But the movie is "Curtains"

and it's a mess of a movie,
but it's a fun mess.

It was filmed in 1980.
It was shelved for two years.

It was filmed again in 1982,
even before they released it.

And the two versions
by two different directors

were kind of fused together
into what we have today

with one kill scene that always
makes everybody's top ten.

Plus lots of quirky plot twists,

and we do love those
at "The Last Drive-In."

And hey, some amazing
performances by the likes

of Samantha Eggar,
genuine movie star,

and John Vernon,
genuine movie star

in exploitation land.

And if you've
never seen "Curtains" before,

I'll just say it is
the best movie

about psycho actresses
fighting for a part in a movie

since the casting couch
was invented.

And when was that, Darcy?

When was the casting couch --

-When was the casting couch
invented? I don't know.

-Yeah.
-I don't know.

-It's called a couch.
They don't say the casting bed.

They say couch.
I always envision one
of those benches, you know,

that has a high back on one side
and it's low on the other.

Chaise lounge, I guess, is what
they mean with the casting
couch.

It's a chaise lounge.

-No, I think what
you're talking about

is a fainting couch.
-A fainting couch?

-Mm-hm.
-Well, that's got to be
19th century then.

French ladies passing out from
tight corsets, stuff like that.

-Actually, that is true.

That's one thing
that was used for.
-Okay.

It was not.
-It was! Look it up.

I promise. Fainting couch.
-Okay.

So the casting couch --
if it's a fainting couch --

goes way back before
movies were even invented.

So this movie is
about a casting couch

and a sort of casting
gladiatorial combat arena.

You need to be good
at sex
and
violence

to survive in this movie.

Plus, you have to be
able to act.

And, um, I'm trying
not to do spoilers here

'cause I want first timers
to experience the many

What-the-fuck changes
in direction this movie takes.

So I'm gonna go ahead
and do Drive-In Totals

without the usual synopsis.
-Good plan.

-Alright, we have --
8 Dead Bodies,

3 Breasts,
Knife to the Belly,

Sickle to the Shoulder,

Sickle to the Throat,
Head in the Toilet,

Supervised Breast-Fondling,
Extended Jacuzzi Aardvarking,

1 Kinky Sex Game I'm Not Allowed
to Describe Accurately,

Professional Headshot
Immolation,

Extended Prop Storage Facility
Cat-and-Mouse,

Closeup Sickle-Sharpening,

1 Excellent Old Hag Mask,

1 Slow Descent into Madness,

1 Commitment to Method Acting,

--and when I say commitment,
I mean that literally --

Gratuitous Creepy Doll,
Gratuitous Ice Skating,

Gratuitous Modern Dance,
2 Heads Roll,

Stand-Up Comedy Fu,

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for John Vernon

as the director from Hell

for saying, "Give the people
what they want to believe.

It's part of their profession."

Samantha Eggar as
the older actress being passed

over for saying, "I don't
want to talk, I want to act."

Linda Thorson as the older,

but not quite so old
actress for saying,

"I don't read without an offer."

Lesleh Donaldson as the ice
skating ingenue for saying,

"Guess you got to want it more
than being loved."

And Lynne Griffin as
the stand-up comic for saying,

"Have you ever wanted anything
so badly you'd do anything
for it?"

Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

[Harmonica music]

And Darcy.
-Yes.

-I appreciate it that when I
threw in that totally off the
subject reference

to the Idumaeans
and the Nabataeans,

you did not scold me for that.

-I didn't have to.

-Well, that's very refreshing.

-'Cause no one knew
what you were talking about

and then you moved on
without explaining.

So we like that.
-Okay.

Well, I could have said that

the Idumaeans and the
Nabataeans, actually, uh...

-I feel like you
should quit while you're ahead.

-Okay, but I'm just
gonna say one thing about it.

When I was imagining
how people treated Joseph,

I was looking for
other ethnic groups

that the Romans hated as much
as they hated the Jews.

Maybe hated is too strong
a word, but, you know,

people that got hassled
all the time.

-And you found two
other groups?

-No, really.
The Jews won.

Nobody came close
to what happened to the Jews.

-I wouldn't think so.

-But the Nabataean god
was Dushara.

-You said you wouldn't do
this.

-And the Romans did
not care about Dushara.

You could worship Dushara all
you wanted.

The Romans said, "Go ahead.
Dushara. Fine."

-Okay. Thank you.
-He had a beard.

-Cool.
-And he liked wine.

-That's awesome.

-He's dead.
-Good.

[Laughter]

-Big Briggs here.

Back on the attack
with a knack for bric-a-brac

to pack a six stack
in Santa's sack.

And you can quote me on that.

This year, I'm selling this,
that, and the other thing.

With all proceeds
going to charity.

Just head to
coldcruelchristmas.com

and bid on these items
or donate directly.

So first up is
these trusty drive-in speakers.

These sexy steel beauties
once provided state-of-the-art

surround sound.

A little elbow grease,

you can probably get
'em working again.

It's a perfect family project.

Just clip one behind you,
one in front of you,

and suddenly you are wrapped
in a blanket of crystal clear,

buttery sound waves sure
to please the audiophile

in the back seat of your compact
hatchback or your station wagon.

Don't like sound? Got no ears?

Then put your peepers on this
Spirit of '76 black and white
Zenith television.

Screen used in seasons six and
seven of "The Last Drive-In,"

this patriotic boob tube
celebrates the bicentennial
of the US of A.

There is a minuteman
tattooed right on the side here,

hallucinating the Declaration
of Independence

as he scans the horizon
for British insurgents.

So bid now to watch
your favorite flick

in monochromatic American bliss.

The cathode rays bursting
through air

will give proof
through the night

that our flag
was
still there.

Buy my stuff for charity.
Do it for your fellow man.

-Visit our new location.

Exit 42 on the Motor Mile.

♪

[Wind blowing]

[Static buzzes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Metallic slash]

♪

-Not again.

Not ever again.

You've betrayed me
for the last time.

God, I was such a fool.
A woman in love.

No more.

I wouldn't bother to kill you,

except I'm so looking forward to
every last ounce of blood

seeping out
of your wretched body.

If I believed in demons,
I'd damn your soul forever.

I'd put a stake
through your heart,

if only you had one,
you bastard.

[Gun clicks]

I just wish that I could do
to you what you did to me.

This will have to do.

[Gun fires]

-I don't believe it.

[Laughs]

-No?
-No.

Audra could never pull
the trigger.

-A woman discovering her lover
in bed with someone else?

You don't know much
about women --

or love.

Or me.

♪

Well, what do you think?

I mean, I...

I know it needs work.

The lighting will help.
The camera moves.

[Light pops]

Stryker?

Stryker.

♪

♪

[Gravel crunching]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-May I help you?

-We're here to see
Doctor Pendleton.

-Have you got an appointment?

-He's expecting us.

-Your name?

-Stryker.

-There's a Mr. Stryker and a
lady to see Doctor Pendleton.

-[Indistinct] Samantha Sherwood,
you know.

-Yeah, I knew that.

Uh, the doctor will see you
right away.

It's the first room on the
right, just down the corridor.

Excuse me, Miss Sherwood --

may I have your autograph?

-Some other time.

-Oh, Jonathan.

-Arthur.
-It's good to see you again.

-Good to see you.

Samantha, this is
Dr. Arthur Pendleton.

-Hello.
Won't you sit down?

Well now, everything seems
to be in order.

I spoke with Dr. Harrison and he
confirmed what you told me,
Jonathan.

-So we're all set?

-Yes, I just need a
couple of signatures.

Now, if you'll sign here.

-All right.

-It's an honor
to have you here, Miss Sherwood.

I'm a long time fan of yours.

I am looking forward to seeing
"Audra."

-The film has been
shelved -- temporarily.

-I didn't realize.

Oh, I need one signature
from you, Miss Sherwood.

If you'd sign here.

That's it.

I must say, Miss Sherwood,
from Dr. Harrison's report,

I, uh, expected somewhat
more severe behavior from you.

But I see no reason
why you shouldn't be back in
front of the camera in no time.

-Those days are over, Doctor.
I only hope she fi--

♪
Samantha!

-Attendant! Get in!

♪

-Let go of me!
Let go of me, I say!

Let go of me!
Let go of my hands!

Let go of me!
What are you --

Don't do this! Wait!

[Indistinct shouting]

What are you doing?!

God! Damn it!

-That's it.
Set her down over there.

Good.

[Exhales]

-You all right?
-Yeah.

-Now I see what you mean.

I think you should leave now.

-Doctor, I'd like to have a
moment alone with her, if I may.

-Do you think that's wise?
-Well, look at her.

What harm could she do me
or anyone else like that?

-All right.
We'll be outside if you need us.

Come with me.

[Both laughing]

-Audra herself
couldn't have done it better.

-I think that poor doctor
was in shock.

-He's not the only one.
-Are you all right, darling?

-You almost took my head off.

-Well, the thought did
occur to me.

-What a performance.
-Oh, method acting.

You have to believe it to do it.
-Well, I'm convinced.

Listen, do you really think
this whole charade is necessary?

-Well, if I'm going to
play a madwoman,

I've got to know
what it's really like.

-But don't you think this
is going a bit too far?

-[sighs] Call it research.

-Ah. All for the sake
of a role in a film.

-All for the sake
of getting it right.

And you, as my director, you
should applaud my dedication.

You better go.
-I like you like this.

-Oh, yes?

What sort of women
have you been seeing lately?

-None like you.
[Samantha laughs]

♪

♪

[Patient humming]

[Humming continues]

[Door bangs shut]

[Humming resumes]

[Patient mumbling, sobbing]

[Patient laughs]

♪

-Aah! [laughing]

[Giggling]

Ooh! [laughing]

-Samantha. You look beautiful.

-Stick to directing, Jonathan.
You make a terrible actor.

-I missed you, too.

-I believe you.

-Why so defensive?

-Come on, Jonathan,

get enough psychiatric babble
in here as it is.

-Doctor Pendleton said
that you're doing well.

-Crazier than ever.

It's what you wanted, isn't it?

[Patient screaming]

[Whimpering]

[Moaning]

[Crying]

-People here tonight.

-Alice, what a pretty dress!

Never seen you wear
that one before.

-Oh, it's nothing.

Don't get too many chances
to wear it here.

-It's pretty.

May we dance?

[Wild laughter]

[Laughter echoing]

-I like the look.
It's very convincing.

-They believe it.

They believe everything.

-Are they all so vacant?

-The sane ones.

That's how you get by in here.

-Well, you can drop all this
in front of me.

Relax. Save it for the film.

-So sad.

-What is?
-Even their laughter's sad.

Makes you cry.

[Patient shrieking]

[Shrieking continues]

♪

♪

[Patient humming]

♪

♪

♪

[Bell dings]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Flames crackle]

[Cheers and applause]

-Have you ever wanted
something

so badly you would do anything
for it?

[ Laughter ]

Well, me,
I wanna be an actress.

[Laughter]

I mean, I wanted to be in
pictures so badly I screwed
a guy from Fotomat.

[Laughter]

You know when they say,
"In and out in 24 hours?"

He was in and out in 24 seconds.

[Laughter]

I am off to a casting session.

[Laughter, exclamations]

Don't you wish you were
going to be there with me?
[laughs]

Now, kind of imagine this --

six actresses
going to the same house

to audition for the same part.

[Laughter]

Well, it sounds like a lot of
fun if you like bloodbaths.

I mean, I can see it now,
the actor saying to me,

"Excuse me, but I think
that's my knife in your back."

[Cheers and applause]

[Applause echoing]

[Flames crackling]

-So you'll audition for Stryker.

-Look, who does he think he is?

I mean, God,
who does he think I am?

-Relax, lady. Okay, the man has
strange ways, but he gets it
done.

Have you seen the script?

-It's here somewhere.

-Did you read it?

-I don't read
without an offer!

-Brooke! Jesus, Brooke!

I mean, if you wait for
an offer from Stryker,

we'll both starve to death.

-Fuck you! You're the agent.
Get me one.

-It was all I could do
to get you the audition, dear.

-What you do for me is
cash my checks.

Nice work if you can get it,
Monty.

-Just go see the man, okay?

-God, I look like shit.

-I should look so bad.

Have you seen the trades?
-The trades?

-Yes. Have you --
have you seen Friday's Variety,
dear?

-You know I never read
that crap.

-Right.
Uh, Jonathan Stryker said

that there was
only one actress in the world

who he'd consider for Audra.

You, cuckoo-head!

-He said that about me?

-Yes, of course he did!

Well, not in so many words,

but that was the general gist
of the thing.

-But I thought Samantha Sherwood
was playing Audra.

-Samantha Sherwood?!

Health problems.

You're the one.

[Flames crackle]

-Samantha: Bastard.

I still can't believe
Stryker left me in the asylum.

If you hadn't sent Variety,

I never would have known he was
going ahead without me anyway.

-Woman:
I figured you'd be upset.

What are you going to do now?

♪

-Whatever I have to do
to get it back.

♪

-Woman: Well, aren't you
in enough trouble already?

By now, they're bound
to know you've escaped.

-Let them come after me.

What I have to do
won't take long.

-Woman: Why don't you
just forget about it?

-That's the one thing
I'll never do.

-Woman: I didn't help you get
out to see you thrown back
in again.

-Why did you?
-Woman: You're my friend.

I felt sorry for you.

-Samantha: Stryker's the one
you should feel sorry for.

This time, he's gone too far.

[Flames crackling]

[Classical music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Classical music continues]

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Classical music continues]

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Classical music continues]

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Classical music continues]

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Classical music continues]

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Classical music continues]

♪

♪

♪

[Script thuds]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

[Struggling]

♪

♪

[Sobbing]

♪

[Exhales]

[Both laugh]

♪

-Well, you didn't put up
much of a fight.

-I didn't want to run
my stocking.

[Both panting]

This is getting a little boring.

-Well,
there's always the pizza boy.

-[laughs] No. Too messy.

Besides, the pepperoni
always sticks to my ass.

-That's the only way
to keep it warm.

What about Pac-Man?
-What's that?

-Well, depressed spinster
by a home video game.
She takes it.

That night, the monster comes
alive and eats everything in its
way.

-Not tomorrow night,
he doesn't.

-Well, he's easy.
How about Saturday?

-Sunday.
Keep the little guy warmed up.

-Why?
Are you going somewhere?

-Told you, this weekend is
Stryker's casting session.

-What kind of an audition
is that?

The guy invites six women up
to his house and calls it work.

-At least he's original.

-I wish you wouldn't go.
-I want the part.

-More than you want my part?
[She laughs]

-Don't be silly.
Much
more than I want
your part.

-Be funny
if it weren't true.

-I won't pass up this chance.

-Might not be here
when you get back.

-Well, then I just better give
you something to remember me by.

♪

-You mean straight?
No games?

I'm just me and
you're just you?

Reality.
That's different.

[Static buzzes]

-Okay, welcome back to
"Joe Bob's Cold, Cruel
Christmas."

And who could be colder
and crueler than people

in the film business

and specifically actresses
competing for the same part.

But the coldest and cruelest
character of them all

is Jonathan Stryker,
the director

played by the great
John Vernon.

Now, somebody told me
that out of the 250

or so movies
that John Vernon made,

there was one movie where
he was a sweet, sympathetic guy,

but I don't remember
the name of it,

and I don't know anybody
who's ever seen it.

John Vernon was always hired
to be heartless,

regardless of
whether he was playing a mayor

or a gangster or a teacher.

"Fat, drunk, and stupid
is no way to go through life,
son."

-Ah! Dean Warmer in
"Animal House."

-Yes, that's right,

and that's actually one
of the most famous lines

in movie history.

But he was also in another movie
with one of the most
famous lines --

"Go ahead, make my day."

-He was in that?
-Yeah.

He was the mayor in
"Dirty Harry."

-Actually, the "make my day"
scene wasn't in "Dirty Harry."

It was in "Sudden Impact."

-It was?
-It was. Yeah.

-Darcy, did you just defeat me
on Clint Eastwood trivia?

[Laughter]
-Don't feel bad.

We can do some
Wes Craven trivia later

and you can catch up with me.
-Okay. What -- Wes Craven?

What, are you kidding?
-I know, what am I thinking?

-Okay, anyway...
-I was just trying
to make you feel good.

-Alright, I want to remind you
that tonight is

the annual "Last Drive-In"
Christmas auction,

where we raise money
for five charities

that are getting
the heck beat out of them,

and they need help this year.

And this particular part
of the show

is dedicated to our charity
for the homeless and the poor,

Catholic Relief Services.

They have had
their budget wrecked this year.

Why?
Nobody knows,

but it's a purely 100%
United States agency

that lives by a simple rule.

Their goal is, quote,

"to preserve the sacredness
and dignity of human life

from conception
to natural death."

And that means they go
everywhere in the whole world

where people have lost
everything, victims of war

or civil unrest or the refugees,

'cause their homeland
doesn't exist anymore

or the place they live
is unsafe.

We're talking literally
millions of people

that are helped by this agency.

And yes,
it is part of the church.

It's related to the church,

but it's also the symbol
of a rich nation bending

down to help poor nations.

It was actually started
by all the American bishops

during World War II
to help the refugees

that were displaced
by World War II.

No matter what nation
they came from,

they still helped them
or which side they were on.

They didn't care.

This organization is based
in Baltimore.

They focus on hunger and
sickness among displaced people

in more than 100 countries.

And when the rug was
pulled out from under them,

massive numbers of families
became endangered

and massive numbers of lives
became threatened.

So if you can't afford
to bid on things in the auction

'cause some of those items
in the auction

get bid up pretty high,

you can buy a Christmas
special T-shirt for 50 bucks

or for 100 bucks, you get
the T-shirt
and
the hoodie.

Same symbol on the hoodie.

And for 150 bucks,

you get the T-shirt, the hoodie,

and the biggest dang cup
ever made.

This thing is humongous.
I never saw a cup --

This thing is 64 ounces
and it's got

the Cold, Cruel Christmas logo
on the side

that is half a gallon of liquid
in your personal cup.

And you know,

or just for your reference,

you could get five Lone Stars
into that one cup,

but then you would still have
four ounces left over.

So I need to ask
the high sheriffs around.

Matt, you did this cup.
Why is this cup only 64 ounce?

You could have added eight
ounces, gone for a 72 ounce cup,

and then it would hold
an entire six pack.

Why didn't you just go for
the six pack, you know?

How were you calibrating
this thing?

Or maybe you were
going by Tall Boys.

I'm gonna do that --

I'm gonna do that math
in my head.

Tall Boy is 16 ounces.
Okay.

Alright, I get that.

The cup holds exactly
four Lone Star Tall Boys.

You know, they do make
a 24 ounce Lone Star in a can.

Have you seen those mothers?

They call those,
those aren't Tall Boys,

those are Big Boys.
They call those Big Boys.

But those don't make sense
for the cup,

'cause that'd just be
two Big Boys

and then two thirds
of the third Big Boy.

So after you filled up,
you'd have to --

you'd have to chug
eight ounces right away

before you ever started
drinking out of that cup,

so that you wouldn't waste
any Big Boy Lone Star.
-Mm-hm.

-Anyway, what would you put in
the 64 ounce cup, Darcy?

Cotton candy vodka
or something like that?

-That's a lot of vodka.
Maybe water? Honestly.

-What?! Darcy!
-What?

-You can't put water.
That's so boring.

How can you even say that?
It's a festive cup.

It's a party cup.
You can't put water in it.

-I can put festive water in it
with no ice.

-You cannot drink 64 ounces
of water.

-Yes, I can.

-At least make it Evian

or San Pellegrino or Perrier
or something.

-Okay. If that makes you
feel better.

-You can't put normal water in
the Last Drive-In Christmas Cup.

-Okay. It's Evian.
Done.

Is there really
a 24 ounce Lone Star in a can?

-It's a Texas beer, Darcy,
yes, there is.

Okay.
[Laughter]

I promised a little background
on John Vernon.

I'm gonna talk about
the other actors later,

but John Vernon was born
in a tiny hamlet in Saskatchewan

in 1932, so he was older
than the rest of the cast.

He'd already had quite a career
by the time this movie came out.

He'd worked for Hitchcock,
George Cukor, Don Siegel,

but it all started back
in Zehner, Saskatchewan,

where he had
terrible childhood acne.

And so he discovered that
when you're an actor on stage,

you get to cover up
the acne with makeup.

And of course, later in life,

the scars on his face would
become part of his trademark.

But it was that insecurity

that led him to the Banff School
of Drama in Alberta,

and then he ended up winning
a scholarship

to the Royal Academy
of Dramatic Art in London,

where he was in a class
with Peter O'Toole,

Albert Finney, Alan Bates,

and for the rest of his life
he would jump between England,

Canada, the US and Italy,
doing a lot of film and TV work.

He would sometimes be in 10
or 12 films in a single year,

but also working on the stage
and doing voice work.

He had a hit TV series in Canada
in the late '60s.

"Wojeck."
He played
a crusading coroner,

and it was really the first
forensic science series

in England or Canada
or the US, much imitated series.

He was in an acclaimed play
on Broadway,

"The Royal Hunt of the Sun."

He played the explorer De Soto.

Christopher Plummer
played Pizarro.

He's the guy who betrays
Lee Marvin in John Boorman's

great thriller "Point Blank."

He's a Cuban guerrilla fighter
in Hitchcock's "Topaz,"

and he was a great comedian.

Besides Dean Wormer, he was
Mr. Big in
"I'm Gonna Git You Sucka."

He was Officer Mooney in
"Killer Klowns from Outer
Space."

-Nice.
-And in "Ernest Goes to Camp,"

he's that ruthless mining
executive

trying to destroy Kamp Kikakee.
-Okay.

-He was the principal
in "Savage Streets,"

the warden in "Chained Heat,"

and he played four
different characters

on episodes of "Cannon."
-Whoo!

-[laughs] Yeah, "Cannon" fan.

Three different characters
on episodes of "Mannix."

"Cannon" was obviously
an easier show,

you know, get away with that.
-What?!

-And he was the first Iron Man.

He played Tony Stark
on the Marvel TV series

and then again in 13 episodes
of "Captain America."

But anyway,
for this role in "Curtains,"

he and director Richard Ciupka

were trying to channel
Klaus Kinski.

I don't think Ciupka told
him this,

but Klaus Kinski was
the original choice for the role

and they had the money for that.

They had 4 million Canadian
dollars to work with,

which would be $3.4 million
in American money,

because the producers
of this movie

had just scored a huge hit.

When they first started
filming,

they had been the producers
of "Prom Night,"

but would lightning strike
twice?

Let's find out
as "Curtains" continues.

So roll the film.

Ah, you know...

There are directors and
acting teachers like John Vernon

in this movie,
especially in New York.

There's some mean dudes
at those acting studios.

And you do a 20 minute scene
in class,

you're crying,
you're feeling it.

You're nailing every line,

you're breathing hard,
and the teacher just goes,

"I don't believe you."

"Next."
You know.

You know, the only teachers more
brutal than acting teachers

is dance teachers.

You know, those ballet ladies.

They yell at ten year old girls.

You know,
"You can't do that step

because you got fat
over spring vacation!"

"Again, again, again, again!"

You know? They said they're
doing that to make you better,

make you stronger,
you know, whatever.

But they enjoy it
a little too much, you know.

But anyway,
"Mannix" is better than
"Cannon."

-No way.

-It's too bad we
can't ask John Vernon,

which is the better show,
"Mannix" or "Cannon"?

'Cause he died in 2005.

-Aww.
-I know. Too soon.

We salute you, John,
on this Cold, Cruel Christmas.

Because you were the coldest
and you were the cruelest.

[Harmonica music]

-Big Briggs!

Reporting in for holiday
do-goodery duty.

I got the gift buying
opportunities you need

to not totally biff
your extended family

Christmas potluck.

Aunt Miriam can't complain

that you got her citronella
candles three years in a row,

and she needs them.

"The bugs are biting me
'cause I'm so sweet."

Get real, woman, you got fleas!

Are you looking for
fine western jewelry

for the gentleman cowpoke
making sweet spittoon music

in your homestead or corral?

Well, saddle up, Sally,

'cause here's your
Christmas bull's eye.

Fancy bolo ties,
the neckwear of champions.

Screen-used by yours truly.

Get a load of these sexy beasts.
Look at that shine.

Ultra gloss, mega gloss.
On a clear day,

these stunners will make
an impression

from at least 300 yards away
on level ground guaranteed.

Also still in stock
is this fantastic,

anatomically accurate werewolf
mask with genuine synthetic fur

and articulated chomping action.

I hate to see it go.

[Chomping]

But in the spirit of the season,
one lucky son of a gun

is walking away with
the best damn lycanthrope mask

purchasable at Party City
before it went belly up.

We call that
"Vintage"!

And hey, bid on both items

and you're ready to recreate one
of the timeless

line dancing scenes
from "Howling VII."

[Howling]

[Howling continues]

-And them's the facts, Jack.

-Visit us on the web at
coldcruelchristmas.com.

♪

[Ice cracking]

[Static buzzes]

[Thunder rumbling]

[Windshield wipers beating]

-The cold weather
should continue

with a good chance we'll see
some snow before it's over.

So find somebody warm
and dig in.

[Cassette plays Burton
Cummings' "
You Saved My Soul
]

♪ 'Cause you saved my soul ♪

[Vehicle rumbling]

♪ My heart
And babe that's something ♪

[Thunder rumbling]

[Tires squeal]

[Windshield wipers beating]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Screams]

♪

♪

[Car door slams]

[Tires screech]

[Screams]

-Peter?

Peter?

Peter?

[Heavy breathing]

Come on, Peter,
no more games, huh?

[Gasps]

[Screams]

[Attacker growls]
Aah!

♪

[Body thuds]

[Haunting tones]

♪

-I first read the book
when I was a little girl.

It was so beautiful.

Do you know it?

-I am Audra.

I
am
Audra.

I'm
not
Audra.

I am Audra.

I am Audra.

I'm not Audra.

[Birdsong]

-Uh, that's 10.25, lady.

-Well, it's here somewhere.

-Maybe you can work it off.

-I like older men, you know.
14, 15.

Hold this please.

-Are you a writer?

-No, actress.

-Yeah, I thought I'd seen you on
TV before.

-Not a chance.
I woulda remembered you.

-Where are you headed?

-Jonathan Stryker's place.
You know it?

-Yeah. Just follow the road
up the hill.

Say, do you know Miss Sherwood?

-Samantha Sherwood?

I've heard of her.

God, she was great.
Still is, I guess.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

[Engine rumbles]

♪

♪

-Are we really all here
for the same part?

-He obviously
doesn't know what he wants.

-What could we all
possibly have in common?

-Sex?

[Laughter]

-I mean, we're all
women.

-[Laughing]
You could've fooled me.

[Laughter]

-Aren't you
Brooke Parsons?

-Yes, I am.

-The rest of us might as well
pack it in right now.

-What are you doing here?

-I'd kill for the part.

-I'd fuck for it.
[Laughter]

-Don't much want the part,
huh?

[Laughter]

-What would you do for it?

-Oh, I don't know, uh...

Tell a few jokes.

Do a little song and dance.

Sell my mother into slavery.
[laughs]

Go down on him.

[Laughter]

-That shouldn't be necessary --

but I'll keep it in mind.

One of you is missing.

I trust you'll keep us amused,
O'Connor.

Parsons.
I've long admired your work.

Sommers, hello.

DeMillo --I look
forward to hearing you perform.

DeMillo is a musician.

Burns --
you bring your skates?

-Yes.
-Good.

This is Matthew.

and one of you is Audra.

Which one?

I don't yet know.

The next two days will be
unlike any you've ever known.

Not all of you will make it,

but I promise each of you

will have learned something

about themselves
and their craft.

-For all the good
it will do you.

-We missed you at dinner.

Ladies, may I present
Samantha Sherwood,

an actress I've known
for some time.

You may remember her work.

Samantha, may I introduce --

-No, don't bother darling.

They all look alike to me.

Well, Stryker,

is this your idea
of a casting session?

-Are you going to play,
Samantha?

-You
know
I am.

[Animal calls]

[Woman's laugh nearby]

-Aah! [Laughing]

♪

[Tara laughing]

-Hey!
[Tara laughs]

♪

-It's like old times,
isn't it, Samantha?

-You haven't changed a thing,
Stryker.

It's exactly as I left it.

-Why are you here?

-Why have you brought
those girls here?

-Forget it, Samantha.

Perhaps once you
were
Audra. Today...
[Chuckles]

-But
I
bought you
the rights to "Audra."

-For which I am grateful.

-It was for us.

-Not anymore.

-"Come on.
You know I like you."

"Well..."
"Come on, just once.

Come on."
"No, I don't!"

"Come on.
Okay?"

"Well...

Okay."

"Oh! Oh, boy!
You give great head." [laughs]

-Gross.

-Wee bit past your bedtime,
isn't it, darling?

-Oh. [chuckles]

Has, um,
has anyone seen my skates?

I can't seem to find
my new pair.

-The girl thinks she's
on holiday.

-Oh, no.
It's bad for your wind.

I'm still in training.

God knows why.
I get up every morning at dawn
to practice.

-Dawn?
-"I bet you're fun on dates."

-It makes me feel good.

Guess you gotta want
it more than being loved.

Isn't that
how you feel about acting?

-It depends on the love.

[Laughter]

-I suppose.

Well, I'll, uh,
see you in the morning.

-You don't like her?

-What's she doing here?
She's just a baby.

-You nervous, too?

-Me?

I'm scared to death.

-But you've been doing this
for years.

I-I can remember
seeing you in...

-I started early.

It never gets easier.

-Well, there's always
the casting Jacuzzi.

-What?

[Tara laughing]

-It's like the casting couch --

only wetter.

-Samantha: I won't give up.

-Stryker: Spare me the
melodrama.

-Samantha:
If it wasn't for me, you
wouldn't even have a project.

-Stryker: I'd find something.
-Samantha: Oh, you're a
hypocrite.

And a liar.

You never intended
to get me out, did you?

-Stryker: I did what I thought
was best for everyone involved.

-Samantha: Deserting me
in an asylum?

-Stryker: It was your idea
to commit yourself.

-Samantha: But not forever.

-Stryker: I'm not convinced
you're cured yet.

-Samantha: Oh, Stryker,
I was never insane.

-Stryker: Perhaps I should call
the good doctor,

let him know where you are.

I suspect he'd be
most interested.

-Samantha:
Well, I'll tell him the truth.

-Stryker:
And I'll deny everything.

And you, my dear, will move back
into a rescue manor permanently.

-Samantha: I'll die first!

[Gasps]

-I was just passing by
and I heard voices.

-Come in, my dear. Come in.

What you heard is a scene I
wrote many years ago for a play.

-Samantha: A very bad play.
-A very bad play indeed.

Saved only by your talent
and beauty, Samantha.

-A play?
You mean it was all a joke?

-Well, let's call it
a performance.

-But it sounded so real.

-Tricks of the trade, my dear.
Tricks of the trade.

Give the people what
they want to believe in.

It's part of our profession.

-But how did you know
I was standing outside the door?

-Well, it seems
I've developed a sixth sense.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Metal grinding]

♪

[Grinding continues]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static buzzes]

♪

-Okay. Eagle-eyed observers
will have noticed

that the credited director on
this movie is Jonathan Stryker,

and Jonathan Stryker is
also the name

of the character played
by John Vernon.

And no, John Vernon
did not direct the movie.

What happened is Peter Simpson,
a well-known Canadian producer,

hired a cinematographer
named Richard Ciupka.

I said Ci-up-ka before,
but it's Chu-pka.

He hired him to direct
"Curtains" and Ciupka,

he was happy running camera,

and he never thought
about directing until Simpson

suggested it, but he figured
he should take the opportunity.

And then after they
finished the movie,

Simpson said they needed
reshoots,

but he did not want Ciupka
to come back for reshoots.

He just did 'em himself.

And it turns out that
Simpson reshot half the movie,

and he added scenes
that Ciupka didn't know about,

and he generally added to
his reputation

of being the
most meddling producer

who ever walked onto a set.

In fact, he had a reputation
for firing directors.

He was an old school,
cigar chomping,

larger than life type
who could be cruelly blunt.

He would tell actors
how bad their acting was.

He would tell directors
like Ciupka

that they should choose
another line of work.

Stuff like that.

So one of the
Directors Guild rules

is that if any changes
are made to a movie

after you've left the movie,

the finished movie has to
be sent

to the original director
for approval.

And when Ciupka saw
the changed version,

he refused to put his name
on the movie.

Now, normally this would result

in the director being listed
as Alan Smithee.

All Alan Smithee movies are
American films

with the director's name
removed.

But since this was
a Canadian film,

Simpson was not limited
to the Alan Smithee name.

So he just used
the film character's name.

Ciupka's version of the film

was actually completed
in the year 1980,

but the film wasn't released
until 1983.

Simpson claimed that only
45 minutes of what Ciupka shot
was usable,

and he said to everybody who
would listen --

"What am I supposed
to do with a 45 minute film?"

It's like owning half a car.

So two full years
after the original shoot,

he called the cast back for
reshoots directed by himself.

He couldn't reassemble the crew

because most of them
had other work.

So you'll notice in the end
credits there's a chapter one
crew

and chapter two crew,

and that's why you may
have trouble figuring out

which character is which,
because after two years,

hairstyles have changed,
faces looked a little different,

and there are way
too many brunettes in the cast.

But the main reason
Ciupka got fired is the scene

where the actresses are all
seated around the dinner table,

and one by one, they're saying
what they would do for the part.

You know,
"I'd fuck for this part."

You know,
"I'd sell my mother into
slavery."

You know, jokingly.

But since we know that
there's already been one murder,

it's not jokingly for us.

And he was so careful
with that shot,

timing the movement
of the camera

so that each actress spoke
as the pan moved past her face,

that it took most of the day
to nail that scene,

and that caused
Peter Simpson to say,

"Are you making an art film
or a horror film?"

He was really a sort of
point-and-shoot,

throw-some-blood-on-it
kind of producer.

He was riding high,
had his money from "Prom Night,"

and he thought, oh my God, I've
hired an artiste from Belgium.

And indeed, Ciupka was
a Walloon from the city
of Liège in Belgium,

who had immigrated to Montréal
with his family at age 14.

And he's trained as
a cameraman from the age of 17.

And he got noticed as a camera
operator in the film "Angela,"

starring Sophia Loren
and John Huston,

and that caught the attention of
French director Claude Chabrol

when he came to Montréal in 1977

to make the movie
"Blood Relatives"

and, um, Chabrol,
he had an interesting rule.

He refused to use
any cinematographer

who did not operate
the camera himself,

and so Ciupka moved into the
director of photography chair

for "Blood Relatives" and then
one of the Ilsa movies --

"Ilsa, Tigress of Siberia" --

which also had a French director
and most importantly,

the award winning Louis Malle
movie "Atlantic City" in 1980.

He was the DP on that.

So Ciupka was so hot
after "Atlantic City"

he should have just kept moving

up the cinematography ladder
instead of

getting involved
with somebody like Simpson.

Because Simpson was correct,

Ciupka was making
an artistic horror film,

and sometimes a shot was worth
a day or so to get it right.

But anyway, lovers of this movie

and there are many lovers
of this movie,

'cause it ran continuously
on HBO in the early '90s.

The lovers of this movie
study which scenes are directed
by Ciupka

and which scenes are directed
by Simpson.

And it's a very boring exercise
in my opinion.

But my point is
that there's nothing wrong

with what Ciupka was doing.

It just wasn't the gore-fest
that Simpson wanted.

But we're about
to see the difference

between the two directors
right now.

That's what I'm talking
about it.

Ciupka leaves Christie sobbing
in her bed after being
casting couched

by Stryker,
and then the next morning,

in the sequence
that we're about to watch,

she heads out for her
morning ice skating regimen,

and Simpson takes
over the camera

and he creates
his
version
of an emotional moment.

But before we do that,

I want to remind you
that you can go to our website

and buy the T-shirt,
the hoodie, the mega cup,

and you can bid on one
of the auction items.

And 100% of all that money
goes to the charities.

And the charity
that we're featuring

in this part of the movie
is our annual animal charity.

We always have an animal
charity, and this one is

the Xerces Society,
based in Portland, Oregon.

And what they do is they try
to protect endangered species

that are not as popular as,
say, polar bears or anything

'cause they're focused
on the invertebrates.

Types of bumble bees
and butterflies and grasshoppers

and mussels and fireflies and,

um, many of those species
are subject to extinction

because of the use
of pesticides,

and probably partly
because of their threat

to big agricultural companies,

they have had
all their funding slashed.

So save a bug, save a mussel,
buy some stuff from us

and do your part.

And now let's watch Lesleh
Donaldson, the ice skater,

do her best work.

Lesleh grew up in Toronto.

She became a model
at the age of nine.

She got into
the Royal Conservatory of Music

'cause her father was
a well-known opera singer.

She co-starred at age 14

as Michael Douglas's daughter
in the movie "Running."

She starred in a Canadian
TV movie called "Homecoming."

She did a very well received
after school special

as a girl with epilepsy
who joins the swim team.

The movie was called
"On My Own."

But as she was making
this movie,

she was also suffering
from body dysmorphic disorder,

which is where you become
depressed by perceived flaws

in your appearance.

And while that was going on

and she was rehearsing
her skating moves,

she had a spill
on the uneven ice of that pond,

and she cut her chin
right before her big scene,

which made everything worse.

You wouldn't know it, though,
'cause it's one of the most

memorable scenes in
horror history.

It's frequently cited
as a perfect melding

of cinematography,
music, and editing, so roll it.

[Harmonica music]

-Oh.
-Yes.

-Also, I got to mention
the screenwriter on this movie,

Robert Guza Jr.

Robert Guza,
he wrote the Ciupka version.

He wrote the Simpson version.

He wrote all the stuff
in between

to connect the two versions.

And he has no trouble
making those kinds

of radical changes in a script

because he was a
soap opera writer.

In fact, he was such
a great soap opera writer

that he was the head writer
on "General Hospital"

from 1984 to 2011,

and wrote more than 2,000
episodes for that show,

while also writing
755 episodes of "Sunset Beach,"

215 episodes of "Loving,"

and 398 episodes
of "Santa Barbara."

And Simpson was good friends
with Guza and loved his work.

Any producer would be
good friends with Guza

'cause he could write
stuff at 2:30 in the afternoon,

and it'd be in front of the
camera at 2:45 in the afternoon.

He was a producer's dream
on any kind of troubled movie,

especially a troubled movie
like this one, so, uh...

-You write a lot of, like,
at the last minute, like he did.

[Laughter]

-Darcy.
-What?

-This guy wrote 4,000 episodes
of network TV shows.

Who does that?

-I guess Robert Guza
does that.

-And he wrote
this upcoming scene,

which, if I'm not mistaken,
this scene has no dialogue.

-So it was one page.

-Well... No.

You know what Mark Twain said?

You know, "Sorry
to send you such a long letter.

I didn't have time
to write a short one."

-I get that.
-Okay.

So thank you, Robert Guza,
wherever you are,

we salute you for what has got
to be the world episodic record.

[Harmonica music]

Big Briggs here with
gifts for the cinéaste

or the cinéaste-hole
in your life.

First up, feast your eyes
and glut your soul on this

once in a lifetime opportunity.

This is the latex creation,

our very own Shane Morton
plastered on Spencer Charnas's
face

when we showed
"Phantom of the Opera."

It is hideous. It is beautiful.
It is breathtaking.

Peeled right off of Spencer's
handsome mug

right after we stopped filming,

this bust is sure
to look great next to Beethoven

on your grand piano or
Casio keytar.

And now for something
very special.

My actual press pass from
the 1990 Cannes Film Festival.

Check it out, man.

I miss the days when a man
could step onto La Croisette

with a feathered mullet

and it would turn
heads for good reasons.

The winning bidder
will also get a hard copy,

apparently with my
editor's notes,

of the press release
announcing that yes,

this American redneck critic
would in fact

be working the promenade.

It was such a big deal
they had to issue a warning
to the public, I guess.

Get it while it's hot!

-Right across the street
from the converted Pizza Hut.

♪

[Ice cracking]

[Static buzzes]

[Ominous music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Cassette plays Burton
Cummings' "
You Saved My Soul
]

♪ We went together ♪

♪ For so long ♪

♪ Ev'ry second record on the
radio seemed like our song ♪

♪ How we hurt each other ♪

♪ Baby, baby,
it was so wrong ♪

♪ Something in the bottom
of my heart ♪

♪ Will keep me holding on ♪

♪

♪ We were lovers ♪

♪ In the young and strong
and bold days ♪

♪ Turn them into treasures ♪

♪ Of silver and gold days ♪

♪ Even though we're older ♪

♪ Still nothing like
the old days ♪

♪

♪ Something in the bottom
of my heart ♪

♪ Will keep me holding on ♪

♪ 'Cause you saved my soul ♪

♪ You came along and took me
out of the night time ♪

♪ Yes, you saved my soul ♪

♪ Taught me to fly ♪

♪ And I gave my heart ♪

[Music stops]

[Birdsong]

[Sighs]

[Birds cawing]

-[Tuts] Ugh.

Oh!

♪

♪

Oh.

[Birdsong]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

♪

[Shouting]

[Screaming]

♪

[Screaming]

[Screaming continues]

♪

-Aah! Oh!

♪

[Screaming]

[Grunt, thud]

[Panting]

[Sobbing]

Oh!

[Bird cawing]

[Panting]

Oh!

Oh! [sobs]

[Bird cawing]

[Moaning]

[Bird caws continue]

Oh...
[Sobbing]

[Sobbing continues]

[Crying]

♪

[Wet squelch]

♪

[Static buzzes]
-And that was
not the only time

that Lesleh Donaldson lost her
head in a Canadian horror movie.

She was also beheaded in the
J. Lee Thompson classic

"Happy Birthday to Me,"

and she had the lead
in "Funeral Home,"

for which she was nominated
for a Genie Award in 1980,

the Genie Awards being
the equivalent

of the Oscars in Canada.

She had practiced her skating
for a long time

to be able to do those scenes,

but as I mentioned,
she took a fall on the pond ice

and cut her chin,

and so she had to be doubled
once the shooting day arrived.

Lesleh Donaldson has done
a lot of theater,

especially in Manitoba.

She worked for
the famous Circle in the Square

in New York, and she
still does Off-Broadway shows.

For those of you
just joining us, though,

this is the annual
"Last Drive-In" Christmas
special,

"Joe Bob's Cold, Cruel
Christmas,"

and we're raising money
with a charity auction

for the organizations
that have been struggling
over the past year.

Every year we choose
a children's charity,

and the charity this year

is the Elizabeth Glaser
Pediatric AIDS Foundation.

And I don't know who
could possibly be opposed

to helping women with AIDS
or children with AIDS

or babies born with AIDS,

but apparently somebody was,

because all their grants
got canceled,

endangering up to 20,000 lives

of people already receiving
help, and of course,

making it difficult to get
help for people in the future.

This organization was founded
in the '80s by Elizabeth Glaser,

who contracted HIV
through a blood transfusion,

and then she unknowingly
passed it on to her daughter

through breast milk
and also to her unborn son,

all without realizing
that the disease was there.

It took her almost a decade

and a key meeting
with President Reagan,

but she eventually got Congress
to fund research and treatment

of mothers and babies with AIDS.

And it is a global crusade.

They have offices all
over the world,

but especially in countries
where it's a major problem.

And now, after 35 years,
the government is saying,

we don't want to do
that anymore.

So buy some stuff from us,
bid on some auction items.

Let's get behind these people

so they can continue
and expand their work.

Okay, I haven't really
talked about the top billed star

in the movie, Samantha Eggar.

She was a genuine
old school movie star.

She's British.

I think everybody in this movie
is either British or Canadian.

But she's not only British,
she's from Hampstead in London,

one of the wealthiest
upper class neighborhoods.

And so when she does
that American accent,

she has to work at it.

Her father was
a brigadier general in the Army,

and she spent 11 years
of her youth

at a convent boarding school,
being taught by nuns.

And then she went to art school,
but she didn't like it there.

And she fell into acting
more or less by accident,

and attended one of the top tier
London acting schools,

and then went more or less

through the normal
training route for Brits.

Two years
of repertory theater,

one year at Oxford Repertory,

where many young actors get
their initial experience,

and then another year
at the Royal court,

where many young playwrights get
their initial experience.

And then she moved right on
to the West End stage

and made her first film in 1962,
at the age of 23 in

"The Wild and the Willing"

with Ian McShane and John Hurt,

and then the crime drama
"Doctor Crippen"

with Donald Pleasence
and Coral Browne,

and then "Psyche 59" with
Patricia Neal and Curt Jurgens.

But her breakthrough movie was
her first film in America,

William Wyler's
"The Collector."

She was the art student
held hostage by Terence Stamp,

and that resulted
in an Academy Award nomination

right off the bat.

And then lots of leads and lots
of hits.

"Doctor Dolittle"
with Rex Harrison,

"Walk, Don't Run" with Cary
Grant,

"The Molly Maguires."

She was just everywhere
in the late '60s,

and then she kind of retired
in 1973,

but she would occasionally
come out of retirement

to do projects
that just sounded like fun.

If you interview
Samantha Eggar about her career,

she doesn't remember
the plots of any of the movies.

She remembers
the offset experiences.

Or at least that's
what she talks about.

Unfortunately, she says,

she was so preoccupied
with family issues

that she had very few memories
at all of "Curtains."

But that actually works for
the part,

'cause she seems to be aloof
from all the other actresses

who want to be Audra.

One of her
fellow cast members

tells the story of one morning
in the makeup room.

Wardrobe guy came in with three
dresses for her to choose from,

and Samantha Eggar is sitting
next to her assistant,

and she just makes a very
slight signal with her face.

She doesn't say anything at all,
and the assistant says,

"We won't be using any of those
three dresses."

[Laughter]
Just like that.

Just in a few seconds.

And the wardrobe guy kind
of slinks off with the dresses.

That is what they call,
I think, a movie star.

Of course,
here at The Last Drive-In,

we don't remember Samantha Eggar
for "Doctor Dolittle."

We remember her as the star of
David Cronenberg's "The Brood"

and the 1972 giallo
"The Dead Are Alive,"

and the 1973
psychedelic possession film
"A Name for Evil"

with Robert Culp
and the vigilante film
"The Exterminator"

and "Demonoid"
with Stuart Whitman,

plus that episode in the
1977 anthology film
"The Uncanny,"

where Donald Pleasence kills
his wife

so he can give
his mistress Samantha Eggar,

a chance at an acting career.

To give you some indication
of how famous she was in England
in the 1960s,

when the ITV network
would go off the air

at the end of the broadcast day,

the test pattern that you used
to test the colors on your TV --

Samantha Eggar's face.

So is that
her
skating
across the icy pond

in the old hag mask,

or is it John Vernon?

Or is it the dude
in the hot tub with Tara?

Matthew and Tara frolicking
in the outdoor hot tub.

What was the purpose
of that whole scene?

I don't even know.
Anyway, all will be resolved --

or maybe not --
as "Curtains" continue.

So roll it.

[Harmonica music]

-And, Darcy, what is --
what's with the creepy doll?

-Uh, it's the killer's
calling card.

-For the scene we just watched,
for the Christie scene.

But wasn't it also
in Amanda's dream?

Wasn't it standing in the middle
of the highway in a dream?

-It was, yeah.
-But that was a dream.

And Christie, that we saw
just now, she wasn't dreaming.

So is it a supernatural doll
that jumps into reality

and then jumps into dreams
like Freddy Krueger?

-No.
-How do you know? Had to be.

-The doll was
in Amanda's dream

because it was in her bedroom
when she fell asleep.

-It was?
-Yeah.

-So it was Amanda's doll?

So somebody killed Amanda
and stole her doll?

-Maybe?
That's my theory.

-And what's Michael Wincott
doing in the movie?

What's the purpose
of the guy playing Matthew?

What's the purpose
of him being in the movie?

-Maybe he's the killer.

-What exactly
is that character?

What does he do
at John Vernon's house?

He seems to be
around all the time.

-He collects firewood
and takes care of the snowmobile

and has sex in the hot tub.

-'Cause every country house
in Canada

needs a guy to collect firewood
and have hot sex in the hot tub.

-Exactly.
[Laughter]

-Hello there, friend.

Are you or a loved one
experiencing a rut?

Is your inner child drowning
in a raging river of obligation?

Do you wake up every morning
simultaneously wishing

it was somehow both
yesterday
and
tomorrow?

Well, you need a shot in the arm
from Dr. Big Briggs.

Shake up the ordinary
by bidding on one of

these two mystery boxes.

What could be inside?

No, really, what's inside?

Both boxes are full of screen-
used bits, bobs and doodads

that have been hiding
in the background

since we first started
this circus.

Could be anything.

Well, anything that,
you know could fit in a box.

They say one man's
trash is another man's treasure.

But let me tell you,

here at Big Briggs
Furniture Outlet and more,

all our garbage is gold!

Really, though.

Really, though, what the hell
did you put in this thing?

♪

-Call us toll free.

♪

[Ice cracking]

[Static buzzes]

♪

-Brooke:
Has anyone seen Christie?

-She's gone.

She left a note under my doorway
this morning.

Apparently, she
couldn't handle it.

-I know how she feels.

-How did she get out
with the road snowed in?

-Maybe Matthew took her.

-Well,
I wonder what changed her mind.

She was perfectly
all right last night.

-And then there were four.

-Christie must have had
a difficult night.

-Did she? I wouldn't know.
-Brooke: Wouldn't you?

-Let's start with you, Parsons.

You're the veteran.
[Door opens]

-No.
I am.

-This isn't really necessary,
Samantha.

-[Chuckles] Oh, but it is.

Obviously.

-I know what you can do.

-Then why are they here?

-Can we talk about this later?

-I don't want to talk.
I want to act.

-All right.

Take center stage.

So what the hell are
you doing here?

-I am an actress.

-You're an actress?
-There's an echo in here.

-Your turn will come.

What makes you think
you can act?

-I know I can.
-Could.
-Can!

-So? Act.

-What?
-Act for us.

-I could do a prepared piece.

-I've seen them all before.

You are such a perfect lady.

So beautiful, so refined.

What if you weren't so --
gifted?

How would you act then?

-I don't think --
-Good.

Don't think.
Just do it.

Make yourself --
ugly for us.

Can you?

What if your face were
different?

It could be one day, you know.

Hideous, repulsive.

Put it on.

Put it on.

[Heavy breathing]

Now seduce me.

No words.

You can make sounds
if you like,

but no lines.

No touching.

Just the mask.

Use your eyes...

...your mouth...

...and horrible beauty.

Make me love you.

Make me desire you.

You're beautiful, remember?

You can't be denied.

This is a mask, too.

Are you satisfied?

All right.

Page 58.
The seduction scene.

♪

[Snowmobile rumbling]

♪

♪

♪

[Stool scrapes]

-[Gasps] Medics!

You want me to sit there, right?

Right.

[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

Ah! So...

I guess you're wondering
why I called you here, right?

Well, doc, you see,

it all started when my
mother locked me in the closet.

I was 21 at the time.

You want me to wear the mask?

-No, that's not necessary.

-Too bad.
Might be an improvement.

-Mm.

-Oh, boy, this is what you call
bombing, right?

-Are you on something?

-Oh, God, don't I wish.

Oh, I'm on nerves, actually.

Sheer raw nerves.

And if we don't
get on with this,

I'm liable to break down
right before your very eyes.

-Oh, I don't think
that's necessary either.

In fact, this whole
session isn't necessary.

-What?

-You're a very talented --
-Joke, right?

Good for a laugh,
but nothing serious,
is that it?

Oh, yeah, tell me
something I don't know.

-What makes you think
you're right for Audra?

-I'm as right
as anybody else you've got here!

I mean, goddammit, you haven't
spent five minutes with me

and now you're telling
me I'm wrong for the part.

Why? Because I haven't got
a staple through my navel

like that centerfold?

Because I wouldn't pirouette
into bed with you

and skate on your face?

I mean, what the hell
are you looking for anyway?

And what do you want from me?

I mean, who the fuck
is Audra anyway?

Ah! You enjoying yourself?

-Showing a little bit
of Audra.

[Quietly] You bastard.

-Where's the mask?

-What do you mean?

-What the hell are you up to,
Samantha?

-What am
I
up to?

You bring five
totally different girls here

on a bogus casting session
for a part

that was mine
in the first place.

And you ask me what I am up to?

[Door slams]

♪

-"I wouldn't bother
to kill you,

except I'm so looking forward to
every last ounce of blood

seeping out
of your wretched body.

If I believed in demons,
I'd damn your soul forever."
[Tap nearby]

"I'd put a stake
through your heart,

if only you had one,
you bastard!"

[Tapping sound]

♪

♪

♪

[Tapping]

♪

♪

Oh!

[Sighs]

♪

♪

♪

[Gentle music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-No, no, no, no, no!

You're a man seducing a woman!

Now, forget your sex.

Enter into
his
imagination.
Become one with him.

♪

Use your vulnerability.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Tapping sound]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Tapping sound]

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

-[screaming] No!

[Static buzzes]

♪

-Okay.
Nice little jump scare there,

with Brooke discovering
the severed head of Christie

in the toilet,

showing that
the killer has a sense of humor,

or is maybe trying
to scare away the actresses

that can't be directly killed.

I think we're supposed
to believe

that Brooke is a tough cookie,
and that actress,

Linda Thorson,
was indeed a tough cookie.

She has been known
her whole life as the woman

who replaced Diana Rigg
on "The Avengers"

and got the series canceled
after one season.

I don't know how you
could spend your whole life

on stage and screen
and still be remembered

for the first thing
you ever did,

but that's
how controversial it was

when Linda Thorson went to
a casting call,

and she was chosen
over 200 other actresses

to play secret agent
Tara King on "The Avengers,"

and the audience did
not like it.

They wanted Diana Rigg back,

and Linda Thorson took 100%
of that heat on that.

I think that experience did
factor into her being cast

in this role,

since she's supposedly
the embittered veteran.

Anyway,
Linda Thorson is Canadian.

She's done more theater
than film.

She's won many awards
for her Broadway and

Off-Broadway performances.

She was in "The Greek Tycoon,"
directed by J. Lee Thompson.

She was in the Steven Seagal
movie "Half Past Dead."

She worked at all
the great British theaters,

the Royal Shakespeare Company,
the Old Vic.

She was a scheming matriarch
on "One Life to Live"
for three years.

Done a lot of television,
but she never regained
the attention

that she got at the age of 20,
in her very first job.

The Linda Thorson role
in this movie,

by the way, was originally given
to Céline Lomez,

the popular French-Canadian
singer.

But Peter Simpson fired her
after she shot a few scenes,

and Simpson decided
that she couldn't act.

He had seen her
in a French language film

and hired her, I guess,
based on her incredible beauty.

But then when he heard
her voice in English,

he couldn't stand it.

Um, but, you know,
it's one thing to fire somebody,

but Simpson would always do it
in a public, outspoken way.

You know, he wanted you to know
how badly somebody messed up.

So -- really, no need for that.

Um, anyway, as our
Christmas auction continues,

I want to talk a little about
our charity for the vulnerable

and disenfranchised --
Meals on Wheels.

Now, I think everybody knows
what Meals on Wheels does.

They've been doing it
since 1954.

It's become a lifeline
for elderly people

who are unable
to prepare food for themselves,

and they can't afford
to order food.

I can't even tell you how
many attacks on Meals on Wheels

have been occurring
in the past 11 months.

It started with the gutting
of the Older Americans Act,

and it continued with
all kinds of stopgap measures.

When people rose up to protest
because their elderly,

helpless friends
couldn't get their food anymore.

And it's a back-and-forth thing

with incredibly deep
funding cuts

that are literally starving
old people.

I don't know how it works.

I thought things passed
by Congress

could not be messed with,

but apparently I'm naive.

So anyway, Meals on Wheels is
based in Alexandria, Virginia,

and they need help and we're
gonna give them some help.

So bid on an auction item,
buy one of our premiums,

buy three of our premiums,

the T-shirt, the hoodie,
the giant cup.

Let's do what they did
a hundred years ago.

Let's take care
of our friends and neighbors

that have been abandoned
by their government.

And am I exaggerating, Darcy?
-Not at all.

-I don't know how anybody
screws with Meals on Wheels.

Anyway, I wanted to mention
the actress Sandra Currie.

She's actually listed
in the credits as Sandra Warren.

She apparently changed her name,

which is what a lot of actors
did

when they made horror films
in the '80s.

Sandra is the party
girl musician

who frolics in the hot tub
with Matthew

and gets her breasts felt
up in that truly bizarre scene

of the close up breast fondling
with the dancer Laurian,

played by Anne Ditchburn,

very nervously trying
to fondle it as Stryker looks on

and gives fondling directions.
[Laughter]

Apparently they wanted
a close up of a perfect breast

when they did that scene,

so Peter Simpson actually asked
for stunt breast volunteers,

and then he had 'em line up
so he could examine each breast,

and the breast he chose
ended up belonging to a woman

he would end up doing
several movies with.

That's Shannon Tweed's
breast in the close up.
-Oh!

-And they say
filmmaking is grueling work.

Alright, let's get back to
the movie.

Ah.

So what we have there,
Darcy,

is a woman with a fake name
and a scene with a fake breast.

And yet we see pretty much 100%
of her in that Jacuzzi scene.

What is your position on
stunt breasts?

-I feel like the edit
always looks bad.

-'Cause you have to cut
to just from the neck down.

-Yeah.
-So it looks fake.

Have you ever been asked
to
be
the stunt boobs?

-You mean like a body double?
Yeah, many times.

And I have been called in
for the express purpose

of just upping the boob count.
-Really?

-Mm-hm.
-Well, the stunt boob
worked for Shannon Tweed.

She didn't even have to show
both breasts.

One Shannon Tweed breast
resulted in a movie career.

Uh, Sandra Currie,
on the other hand,

struggled to make it
in B-movies.

She was also in
"Terror Train,"

the other 1980
Canadian horror flick,

and "Street Justice"
in 1987.

But she was out of the business
by 1988

and sadly died young
in 1996 of toxic shock syndrome,

which is scary stuff.

You remember when women
were just dropping

like flies from
toxic shock syndrome?

- I do. It was awful.

-If I remember correctly,
they were being killed
by their tampons.

-Yeah, actually.

-Did the tampon makers
go to jail for that?

-I don't think so.

I think people just got
millions of dollars in damages.

-Which doesn't help
when you're dead.

Very creepy.

Here, insert this
into your body.

It's a miracle thing.
It's great.

Whoops. Wow. We're sorry.

You know?
Burns my bacon, stuff like that.

-It's like a lot of things
are burning your bacon tonight.

-Billionaires and billionaire
companies are burning my bacon.

They are not high on my list
right now.

Yes.
-I see that.

-Big Briggs here with
a special something-something

for the history buffs still
haunting your Christmas list.

Big Briggs Furniture Outlet
and More is the only place

where you can get this
very historic Zippo

that I discovered at the site of
the original drive-in in Camden,
New Jersey

during a thorough
archaeological survey.

Check out the rust.

Check out the 1933
stamped right on it.

You can smell the history
on this thing.

Just stinking with history.

Also up for grabs is this
state-of-the-art metal detector

I use to find this sucker.

So you can tell that
one hot receptionist at the DMV

that you unearthed it
with your own gol-durn hands.

And trust me,
she will totally buy it.

And don't forget, it's a Zippo.

So whether it turns out to
just be a replica made in 2001

or carbon dating proves
it originates from 1933,

this lighter will perform
like it was made yesterday.

Bid now and every time
you light a decorative candle

or a honey dipped cigar,

you will think the drive-in
will never die.

♪

-Now open Tuesdays
and Thursdays.

♪

[Ice cracking]

[Static buzzes]

[Brooke's scream echoes]
-Brooke?

-[Sobbing] Christie.

-What about her?
-She's dead.

-No, you've had a nightmare.
-No, I --

-No one is dead.

-But I saw her!

-You're imagining things.

Let me take you to your room.

-No!

-Maybe I should --

-We'll continue later.
Come on.

-Please, no...

-There's nothing there.

-Please.

-Come on.
-Oh!

[Brooke cries]

-Come on.
-No! No, no, no, no!

-Come on.
-Please! No!

-What the hell is
frightening you?

-Christie.
-Christie.

-Don't!
Don't go...

[Panicked breathing]

-There's absolutely
nothing in there.

Go on, take a look!

[Brooke stammers]

-Don't, please!

There -- in there.

[Sobbing]

[Screaming]
No! No!

[Brooke crying]

-Come on.

Come on.

Get a hold of yourself.

[Brooke sobbing]

-Get some rest.

-How is she?

-I don't know,
the door's shut.

Stryker's probably trying
to calm her down.

-[Laughs] I'll bet.

-Why would she say that?

Christie's dead?

-She's been drinking a lot.

-Yeah, but that doesn't
explain Amanda never arriving.

Matthew's disappeared.

I'm scared.

-Well, maybe Brooke is
smarter than we think.

-What do you mean?

-Brooke is acting
just like Audra.

-Well, yeah, I suppose, but...

Aren't you being
a little...

-Cynical?
-Yeah.

-Well, all's fair in love.

And auditions.

[Ominous music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Stryker: It's like old times,
isn't it, Samantha?

[Samantha laughing]

Stryker: Audra herself couldn't
have done it better.

-Samantha: I thought that doctor
was going to go into shock.

-Stryker: Are you going to play,
Samantha?

-Samantha: Why have you brought
those girls here?

-Stryker: Forget it, Samantha.
Perhaps once you
were
Audra.

Today... [chuckles]

[Glass shatters]

[Gentle piano music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Music continues, muffled]

♪

♪

[Heavy breathing]

[Piano music continues]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

-Tell me about Audra.

-What is it you want to know?

-What's she like?

Is she anything like me?

Is she anything like the others?

Can't you tell me?

♪

[Gun fires thrice]

[Window shatters]

[Window shatters]

[Screaming]

♪

-Help!

Patti!

Brooke! Somebody!

[Wind blowing]

[Sobs]

[Wind blowing]

[Engine sputters]

-Damn it! Come on.

Oh, come on!

Matthew!

[Wind howling]

[Static buzzes]

♪

-Wow. Okay.

The bodies are dropping now,
aren't they?

That last shot is
Matthew dead in the Jacuzzi.

Matthew's only purpose in the
movie was to have sex with Tara

in the Jacuzzi
and then die in the Jacuzzi,
right?

Did John Vernon have a no
Jacuzzi clause in his contract?

You know, he's sleeping
with all the other actresses.

Why not Tara?

After all, you know,
her left breast looks like the
breast of Shannon Tweed.

[Laughter]

Is anybody following all this?

-No. Not at all.
-Alright.

Who have I not talked about?

Uh, we talked about Tara.
She's still alive.

We didn't talk about Deborah
Burgess, who plays Amanda.

She's the one with the --
the rape fantasy boyfriend

who never makes
it to the house.

She had a very brief
film career.

Her regular job was newscasting.

Who else is alive?
Anne Ditchburn just got killed.

The ballerina.
I love that Martha Graham dance.

Isn't that what it was?
Darcy?

-You're asking me what
kind of dance she was doing?

-Well, it wasn't Bob Fosse,

wasn't, you know,
jazz hands or anything.

It was that kind of
expressive stuff

where you twist your spine
and, you know,

delicate --
it's Martha Graham, I think.

-Okay.
-Anyway, I liked her dance.

A lot of horror critics
online say it's a time waster.

I don't think so. I loved it.

Patti is still alive.

Stand up comic.

Uh, Samantha Eggar is
still alive, of course.

Patti is played
by Lynne Griffin,

who was known for her
Shakespeare roles at the time.

Some of the other actresses
were fangirling all over her

just 'cause she was
in the movie.

She was a Toronto native.

Her father was
a high fashion photographer.

Her mama was a talent agent,

so she was working from the time
she was a young child.

In fact, she was five years
on a kids TV show.

She frequently worked on stage.

She worked in Canadian TV.

She was only 30
when this movie was made,

but she had an extensive resume
by that time.

She was not a stand up comic.

That's one of the things
she could not do.

But she wrote
that stand up routine herself.

And then she tried it out
at the most famous comedy club

in Canada, Yuk Yuk's, in the
downtown entertainment district.

That is where Jim Carrey
and Norm MacDonald and hundreds

of other comedians
got their training.

So that was a brave thing to do.

And she did get laughs at
Yuk Yuk's.

She said she was terrified,
though.

But in the horror world,

and especially in
the Canadian horror world,

Lynne Griffin was best known
as Claire Harrison

in Bob Clark's
"Black Christmas,"

the 1973 movie

that sort of launched
the slasher era in Canada.

Claire Harrison was
the character who was

suffocated
in the plastic garment bag,

and then her body gets tied up

and put in the rocking chair
in the attic.

And she's the dead sorority girl

who's still there
at the end of the movie.

Alright.

And then I'm gonna
repeat this statistic

from the Women's
Advocacy Center,

the charity that we're featuring
at this point in the evening,

When the Violence
Against Women Act

was gutted earlier this year,

the Women's Advocacy Center
and other organizations like it

lost 38%
of their budgets.

And immediately that meant
that 680,000 women and children

were left without
support services.

So if there are any women
spending Christmas

worried about some guy breaking
into the house and hurting 'em,

or hurting their children

'cause the local shelter got
closed,

well, coal in the stocking
of whoever made that happen.

In the meantime, we're
gonna try to fill that gap,

get involved
in our charity auction,

buy some of our
Last Drive-In stuff.

Uh, Fright Rags, the T-shirt
company in Rochester,

our good friends,
they make these things for us.

They don't take any profit.

They do the stuff at cost.

So let's get some money over
to the Women's Advocacy Center

in Collierville, Tennessee.

They deal with the local
abuse victims in Shelby County,

but they also produce
that white paper

that's being used to try
to force the government

to get back into the protection
of women business.

So let's not have any
dead girlfriends this Christmas,
okay?

Buy a shirt,
bid on some auction items.

Let's help out these
dedicated women.

So the last thing we saw --

other than Matthew
dead in the hot tub,

is Tara running like a
scared rabbit out into the snow.

Why does she run out
into the snow?

Because Peter Simpson asked
Bob Guza

to put a final girl style
chase sequence into the movie.

And so, viola,

suddenly we're made
aware of an outbuilding

where Jonathan Stryker stores
all the props for his movies.

Welcome to indie filmmaking
at its finest!

And roll the movie.

[Harmonica music]

You know, I missed "Curtains"
when it first came out.

I was trying to watch
all the slashers,

and I still missed some of them.

That's how many slashers
there were in the '80s,

especially the early '80s.

But I think it might
have underperformed

because of the title.

I mean, I get it, "Curtains,"
meaning it's curtains for you.

But when you just see
the one word curtains

you think might be about home
decorating or something.

So they should have called it
"Curtains For You"

and then everybody would get it.

Stage talk and
gangster talk combined,

actors killing one another.

You know, you got to get that
across.

-You're overthinking this.
-As usual.
[Laughter]

-"Curtains," what a great title.
-Yay.

-Big Briggs here.

Blasting into your
living room

with a tender reminder that
Christmas is for the children.

Blessed be the snot-nosed tykes
with visions

of sugar plums crumping
in their heads.

But what's this?

Were you too busy being a cog

in the Rube Goldberg device
called life

that you forgot
to tell Santa what

your little gremlin wanted
under the tree?

What did you get
for sweet little Susie

and her brother Jebediah?

Well, Big Briggs has got
your six --

and your ten and two --

with this custom
Famous Slashers Playset,

as featured on the
Last Drive-In's
Slash-tastic Slasher Night.

This custom set
of magnetized maniacs,

created in the nostalgic style
of a 1960s Colorforms play set,

comes complete with
ten fun loving killing machines

and a moody, airbrushed
sheet metal backdrop.

Will you stage a bloody rematch
between Freddy and Jason?

A recreation of
"Scenes from a Marriage"

starring Norman Bates

and the dude from
"I Know What You Did Last
Summer"?

With the famous slashers
play set,

the only limit is
the infinite playground

of your child's imagination.

But wait --
Do you hear what I hear?

There's a commotion down
by the dock.

The fishes are biting.
That's right!

It's the action-packed
Piranha motorized game,

custom painted
with the blood of innocents.

Look at these vicious
little Still snappers.

Never too early
to teach your little ones

about the patience and
frustration

of a real fishing trip.

♪

♪

[Laughter]

Move over Santa, 'cause

Big Briggs is gunning
for your job.

♪

-Happy holidays from

Big Briggs Furniture Outlet
and More.

♪

[Ice cracking]

[Static buzzes]

[Wind howling]

[Door creaking]

[Door slams,
object clatters]

[Light clicks on]

[Screams]

[Light clicks on]

[Switch clicks]

[Neon hums]

[Switch clicks]

[Door crashes,
Tara shouts]

[Neon humming]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

[Tense music plays]

♪

♪

Oh...

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

[Tara screams]

♪

♪

[Screaming]
Help!

Somebody!

[Sobbing]

♪

[Screams]

Help me!

♪

♪

[Groaning]

♪

[Prop slams]

♪

[Object clatters]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

[Crashes]

♪

♪

[Heavy breathing]

[Tense music plays]

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

[Sobbing]

♪

[Gasps]

Aah!
[Sobs]

♪

[Cries]

[Sniffles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

♪

[Object clanks]

♪

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

Oh!

[Object clanks]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Clinking sounds]

♪

♪

Come on, come on, come on!

♪

-[Heavy breathing]

-[Grunting]

♪

-[Heavy breathing]

♪

-[Panting]

♪

[Grunting]

[Grunting, gasping]

-[Heavy breathing]

-Oh, please.

[Gasping]

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

-[Heavy breathing]

[Footsteps crunching]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Objects clattering]

-[Sighs]

[Electricity buzzing]

[Buzzing continues]

[Grate clacking]

[Grate clanks]

[Dramatic music plays]

[Screams]
No!

No!

No! No!

Oh, no!

[Screaming]

[Screaming continues]

[Object chopping]

-[Heavy breathing]

[Screaming stops]

[Heavy breathing]

♪

♪

[Wind whistling]

[Footsteps approaching]

[Cork pops]
-Oh!

[Liquid pouring]

Oh, my --
[Glass shatters]

[Breathing shakily]

-There's plenty more
in the refrigerator.

Audra would know how
to open a bottle of champagne.

-She would have smashed
the bottle against the counter

and drank from the broken neck.

-How do you know?

-It's what I would do.

[Bottle thuds]

-Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Too violent.

-Audra was mad.

-Did you know
that I was in an asylum?

-I heard you were sick.

-He thought so.

He left me there.

-Stryker?

-I had myself committed
to learn what Audra knew.

-What did you find out?

-That an actress
must always be in control.

[Chuckles lightly]

If you know what you're
doing, you're doing it wrong.

-That's what Stryker
would have said.

-We're the same.

-He would have liked that.

He was fond of disciples.
Young pretty ones.

Was?

Where is he?

-Gone.

-He left?

-He's dead.

It wasn't supposed
to be like that.

It's all over now.

Go back.

Go back to the acting classes
and the dinner theater,

the chorus line, wait tables,
be somebody's secretary,

get married,
grow old together.

Forget about Audra.

Have I shocked you?

I'm not sorry.

-Tell me what you've done.

-I killed Stryker!

You want to call the police?
Go ahead.

I'm not going anywhere.

[Glass thuds]

[Foreboding music plays]

Don't worry.

I won't hurt any
of your friends.

-[Chuckles lightly]
It's only me.

-What do you mean?

♪

-They're dead, too.

-What?

You?

Why?

[Screams]

-Have you ever wanted
something so badly

you'd do anything for it?

Me?

I wanted to be an actress.

[
Crowd laughing, murmuring
]

I mean, I wanted
to be in pictures so badly.

I screwed a guy from Fotomat.

[
Laughter
]

You know, when they say
"in and out in 24 hours."

He was in and out
in 24 seconds.

[
Laughter
]

[
Voice echoing
]
Well, I know
what you're wondering.

The question is --
Can she? Right?

That's what you're wondering.

Can she make it?
I mean, can I act?

Just ask my boyfriend,
boyfriend, boyfriend...

Better yet,
ask another one, another one...

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static buzzes]
-And so Patti ends up doing
stand up for a captive audience.

And I have to say, that is one

of the most inventive
slasher endings

of the '80s or any other decade.

The mystery element
really pays off for "Curtains."

Um, you don't really know
till the last minute

who the killer actually is.

There are actually two killers
facing off in that kitchen,

and the younger actress wins
as usual.

But all of Patti's efforts
are in vain

because now there's nobody
to direct "Audra."

The whole cat and mouse
sequence in the props building

was one of the last things
that they filmed.

Peter Simpson had that set built

so he could add suspense
to the end of the film.

And then "Curtains" was released
in March of 1983

and bombed at the box office.

But despite Peter Simpson's
cruel words about Richard Ciupka

being a crappy director,

he would go on
to direct 12 more movies,

most of them in French,

and Peter Simpson would go back
to the "Prom Night" franchise

and make three more of those,

uh, including one
of your favorites, Darcy,

"Hello Mary Lou:
Prom Night II."

-Yeah, which had almost nothing
to do with "Prom Night" one.

-And "Prom Night III:
The Last Kiss"

had nothing
to do with part one or part two,

but Peter Simpson directed
number three.

The only time, only other time,

besides this movie
when he directed

and he went on to, uh,
kill the franchise

with "Prom Night IV:
Deliver Us From Evil,"

the one about the psycho priest.

-Ooh, it's not good.
-But, uh, Peter Simpson produced

47 movies and TV shows

by the time of his death
in 2007.

He was more of the distributor
than a producer, though.

He was --
He was sort of like

the Canadian version
of Roger Corman.

So what did you think
of "Curtains"?

Honest opinion.

-Honest opinion. Okay.

It's -- It's --
It's pretty slow. [Chuckles]

-It's slow.
-I like the atmosphere of it.

And the very,
very, very end is fun.

And the ice skating
sequence is fun.

But honestly, we've had a lot
of requests for it,

so I'm glad we get to show it,

even if it's not
the most Christmassy movie

that we've ever had.

-You know, the real superstar
on the "Curtains" crew

was Robert Paynter,
the cinematographer.

He would go immediately
from "Curtains"

to "An American Werewolf
in London"

and then to "Trading Places,"
"Superman II,"

"Superman III,"

"Muppets take Manhattan"...
-Yeah.

-..."National Lampoon's
European Vacation,"

"Little Shop of Horrors,"

and most notably,
Michael Jackson's "Thriller."

-Wow.
-So, um, anyway.

Can you believe this is
our sixth Christmas auction?

-And I've loved every one
of them.

It brings people together.

And speaking of bringing people
together at Christmas time.

Our mailbag letter.

It's linked to the hit song
"Christmas at the Drive-In."

-I hope you're not talking
about that movie

"Christmas at the Drive-In,"
starring Danica McKellar

on The Great American
Family Channel.

The Great American
Family Channel,

they get the Christmas movies
that Hallmark says

are too formulaic.

-Did you watch that one?

-Do you think I watched
a Danica McKellar movie

on The Great American
Family Channel?

-I wouldn't be surprised.

But anyway, read the letter
and I'll explain.

It's from Shane Sturdivant
of Baker City, Oregon.

-Okay.

"Hey, JB, got a mystery
I'm trying to solve,

and I was hoping you could
provide some additional insight.

This is going to sound
real goddamn nerdy."

[Laughter]
We don't care.

"And you'll probably
have to dig deep into

the memory bank on this one.

But there are things
in this universe

that man has to know
to sleep soundly.

So here goes.
I've attached two pictures."

Can we put up the pictures?

Austin, you got em?
-Yeah.

-"Rhe first is
an autographed poster

from The Third Annual
World Drive-In Movie Festival

and custom car rally
that you held at the Inwood,

Inwood Theatre in Dallas

back in October of 1984.

It's signed by yourself,
Big Steve King, Ed Neil" --

He was the hitchhiker in
"Texas Chainsaw" --

"Linda Shayne," uh,
Bootsie Goodhead in, uh,

"Screwballs,"
"and Cherry Dilday."

Oh, my God.

"You told me once that
the signature of Cherry Dilday

was that of an actress
that you had hired

to portray her at the event."

Cherry Dilday
was an ex-girlfriend

that I used to write about every
week in my newspaper column.

"But you couldn't recall
her name of the actress,

even though it was likely one
of the most significant events

in the history of the Drive-In.

But hey, I get it.
We're all losing our marbles.

There's no point
in crying over a memory leak."

Well, thanks for that, Shane.

"Guess we'll never know.

Close the book.
Pull down the shade.

Kill the lights. Right?
Well. Maybe not."

In the voice --

"Do this in the voice
of Robert Stack,

a-la "Unsolved Mysteries."

[As Robert Stack] "Update!"
-Whoo! Good job

"In your review
of 'Chained Heat'

for the
Dallas Times Herald,

you mentioned
that movie Cherry made

in New Orleans
'Mardi Gras Massacre.'

And you say
that her last words in the movie

are 'whatever turns you on.'

Well, there is indeed
an actress in that movie

who utters that line just
before the trollop walloper

sacrifices her
to the god ketchup falafel,

and she is in fact
a frizzy-haired redhead.

See second attached photo
of said victim.

She's credited as
'dancer with monk' on the IMDb.

And I realize
we're getting a little

conspiracy Charlie meme here.

I suspect this was a typo,

and that the person meant
to type 'dancer with mink,'

which she does indeed wear
in the movie

and the supplied photo.

There are other dancers
in the flick,

but those characters
either get names like one

one was a Playboy Playmate
in 1975,

or spoken descriptions,
19-year-old dancer,

that verify who they are
and from what I can see,

all the other dancers
are accounted for.

Can you help me out here?

Does the name Cathryn Lacey

credited as dancer
with monk or mink ring a bell?"

God help me. Yes, it does.
That is her.

I recognize that name.
What the fuck?

[Laughter]

"Her only other credit
is an uncredited role

in Jack Weiss's
'Crypt of Dark Secrets.'

But I didn't see her in there
watching on fast forward,

so I don't know.

Lacey's IMDb profile
has are listed

as having been born
in Dallas, which fits,

but she's probably passed
on by now.

You're the only guy who might be
able to solve the mystery."

Why would she be passed
on by now?

"Help me Joe Bob Wan Kenobi,
you're my only hope.

Seriously, I've had
this poster for around 15 years,

and it's bugging the hell
out of me.

Thanks much.

Shane Sturdivant,
Baker City, Oregon."

Wow, this guy found
Cherry Dilday.

-And I have her hit record
from 1986.

-You have what?

-I have her record.

Can you put it up, Austin?

-Yeah.
Take a look at this thing.

-"Christmas at the Drive-In,"
recorded by Cherry Dilday,

also known as Cathryn L Lacey.

-You are joking.
-Oh, I am not.

-A hit record
that is attributed to...

-Surely you are familiar
with the song

"Christmas at the Drive-In."

-This is an actual record
put out by Cherry Dilday,

who we now know was actually an
actress named Cathryn Lacey.

-It is indeed,
and it is a catchy tune.

♪ Let's eat another nacho ♪

♪ And have another beer ♪

♪ To rhyme with cheer
[Chuckles]

[Laughter]

-Okay.
-Cherry Dilday.

-Uh, well,
Shane, I guess we solved

your lifelong quest to discover
the real Cherry Dilday.

But, Cherry, if you're out
there, reveal yourself.

-If you haven't passed on.

-If you haven't passed on,
send us an e-mail.

Let us know where you
are so we can invite you

to the next jamboree
or something that we're doing.

-[Laughs]

-Darcy, do people even know
what we're talking about?

-No.
-Cherry Dilday was --

Let's not even go there,
alright.

-She's all over your books

so people can just buy the book
and figure it out.

-Oh, yeah,
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In"

just -- just got reissued
by Dark Horse.

-You're welcome.

I assume that Cherry Dilday
in the book

is based on a real woman
in your life?

-No comment.
Let's move on.

We have lots
more Christmas auction

and another Christmas movie.

So for right now,
I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

speaking for myself
and for Darcy the Mail Girl,

When I say that
if people winked in real life

as much as they do in texting,

the world would be
a really creepy place.

And the drive-in will never die.

You know, instead of telling
a closing joke,

I could--
-Ooh!

-[Laughs]
-Go on.

-You know, when I was talking
about Lesleh Donaldson,

the actress
who played the ice skater,

and I noted she does
a lot of theater.

-Yes.

-So she did a play
in Canada called

"How Could You, Mrs. Dick?,"

and it was based
on a real murder case

in Hamilton, Ontario.

The murder trial in 1946
of Evelyn Dick.

And Evelyn Dick was this
beautiful, glamorous socialite

who married a streetcar driver
named John Dick.

And about a year
after they got married,

uh, some children were hiking
on Hamilton Mountain,

and they discovered
a human torso.

No head, no arms,
no legs, just a torso.

And the police set about trying
to identify who it was.

And the only forensic fact
that they had to work with

was that the torso
only had one testicle.

So they compared the penis
and the scrotum on the torso

to the readily available
medical records,

and they confirmed
it was the torso of John Dick.

And the rest of his body
was never found.

So Evelyn Dick was put on trial
for murder.

The prosecution put on evidence

of she had multiple sexual
affairs during their marriage,

but they could never tie
her directly to the murder,

so she got off.

However,
when searching her house,

they found a suitcase
that contained the body

of a baby boy encased in cement.

And that was Evelyn Dick's son.

And so she eventually
went to prison for
that
murder.

Meanwhile, the case became
famous all over Canada,

and it inspired a bunch
of books and songs.

And years later,
this play called

"How Could You, Mrs. Dick?"

with Lesleh Donaldson
as Mrs. Dick.

And it turns out
that that title was based

on a schoolyard rhyme in Canada.

And the rhyme went like this --

"You cut off his legs,
you cut off his arms,

you cut off his head...

How could you, Mrs. Dick?"

[Laughter]

-Oh, that's really smart.
[Laughs]

-Is that the best
schoolyard rhyme in history?

[Laughter]

-I think it is.
-I think so.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static buzzes]