Original subtitles

This programme contains frequent very strong language from the outset,

scenes of a sexual nature

and scenes which some viewers may find distressing.

Please be aware that this programme also contains themes of suicide.

I dreamt you were gone in the night.

But I looked and... you weren't there.

Just a dream.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Come to think of it, mate...

I had a pretty weird dream too.

Yeah? Yeah.

Pretty weird alright.

I dreamt that someone told me

that they hated being a shitty navigator...

And wanted to be a salesman.

Wild.

What?

Dad. What?

My god, it was real!

What do you reckon, then? Are you ready?

Now? Good a time as any.

Ok.

Can't be crying though, can we?

Not gonna look too good, is it?

"Please can you buy my stuff?"

Not gonna go down well, is it?

No. Well then...

You know, my old man was in antiques.

When I was little, he used to take me out in his Van,

find some run-down old place - a real drum,

owned by some rich biddy with a load of filthy cats -

and he'd go in...

And, honestly, before I had time to finish my sandwich,

out he'd come with a nice little queen Anne dressing table.

Yeah, he had the gift, my old man.

The talent.

He taught it to me.

And now I'm handing that to you.

You understand?

Ok.

Christ.

Didn't happen to notice the hulk creep in

and beat the crap out of me last night, did you?

Right, ready, mr salesman?

Can't get you out of my head

one more time. We have here on offer -

the finest range of creams, lotions and balms.

And you'll find this...

And you'll find this coll... Colla... collagen.

Piss off. With elastic...

Elastin-rich... Elastin-rich cream,

which will improve your skin smoothness

and make you look younger.

Yeah. But what if I forget?

Well then, make it up.

Remember, she's not buying the product, she's buying you.

And who are you?

Who the fuck are you?

I'm bunny munro. That's absolutely fucking right. Tell me again.

I'm bunny munro! I'm bunny munro!

And you'll find this collan-gen...

And... elastin-rich cream...

Will improve moisture... Wow.

Up to 300%.

But...

I don't think you need it.

Actually, dad, I think we've got the wrong house.

Ok, I can't cope.

Take my money. Really?

I'd buy a dose of poison off you, you little cutie.

I'll have two bottles. Ok.

You know what? When you see that, a dad and his boy just...

It just gets me, you know?

Right here.

Where?

Alright, mate. Why don't you go and wait outside

while I take care of the boring old paperwork, yeah?

Ok, dad. It was nice to meet you.

Hey.

Well done, mate.

Thanks, dad.

God.

So cute.

Yeah.

Is that your dad in my house?

We're salesmen.

He's giving her one.

He's the best salesman in the world.

He could sell your bicycle to a barracuda.

A what?

It's a predatory fish.

Its jaws are armed with hundreds of razor-like teeth.

You can hear her from miles away.

She sounds like a strangled chicken.

My mum died.

I wish my mum would die.

You alright, Tony?

Wotcha, trouble.

For fuck's sake.

Is that your dad? That's Tony. He's mum's boyfriend.

What's he like? He's alright, I guess.

Donna! What the fuck?!

Dad bought me this.

The bike?

No, just the bell. It's a really cool bell.

You think so? Yeah. It's great.

Junior! Shit.

I got friends fuck's sake, Donna!

Junior, get in the car.

Hello.

Bye then. Bye.

Where are you going?!

Ok. Yeah, look lively!

Come on! Is everything alright, dad? Oi! Yep.

Everything's absolutely fucking perfect, my boy.

I'll fucking break him!

Fuck!

I'm telling you, bunny boy,

nothing like getting your pipes cleaned first thing in the morning.

Who was your mate?

She just came and talked to me. Right.

Fancy you, did she? Dad.

Alright.

She did though, I can tell. She had that special light in her eyes. Yeah?

Yeah. I'm telling you, bunny boy, I can spot it a mile off.

Maybe I should give her one.

Well, one day, bunny boy.

One day.

So, where are we going next? I don't know. Check the list.

I don't have the list. What do you mean, you don't have the list?

You had the list. Well, where did I put it? I don't know.

F... I must've left it back there. Fuck.

Do we need it? We're salesmen, aren't we?

Yeah. Well, how the fuck are we gonna be salesmen with no customers?

So, should we go back and get it?

Listen, I'm gonna teach you the first rule of salesmanship, ok?

No, fuck it, the first rule of being a man: Never go back.

So, what are we gonna do? Just stop flapping your feet about.

I'll work it out.

Morning.

Tell you what, bunny boy, why don't you head next door,

grab yourself some sweets?

Then have a little sit outside.

Too nice to be cooped up indoors?

Thanks. Good boy.

Right then.

Ok.

So, what happens now? I call the police. Police?

Are you f... what the fuck you talking about?

Mr munro, a section 20 child protection order

had already been filed when you absconded... A what? We didn't.

It's now been escalated to a missing person

and the police are looking for you. But he's not missing, is he?

He's right here, with me. Stop, listen.

His mother has just died in the most tragic of circumstances,

and I can't begin to explain the effect that has had on him.

It's a fucking tragedy, if you must know.

Right now... That boy... Needs his father.

Don't do it.

What are you doing? You know there's a payphone down the road?

We'll be gone by the time you reach it.

The door won't open till it's finished spinning.Fuck.

Yeah. He's just a child, mr munro.

He's my boy.

I'm just... Showing him the ropes.

I'm sorry about your wife, mr munro,

but this is what's best for bunny junior.

I do hope that one day you understand.

What you gonna do?

Ready, boy? Come on, look lively!

Come on.

Good boy.

I gave you a list. I know you did. I need a new list.

Well, those were good leads. Well, give me some more good leads.

I can't keep giving up good leads every time somebody loses a list.

I didn't lose it. What happened to it then?

Jesus Christ! Geoffrey, have you ever heard of an act of god?

What's that mean? It means it wasn't my fault!

So, Geoffrey, sweetheart, I'm gonna get in the car,

and I'm gonna come to the office, and I'm gonna get a list.

No, no, no, I wouldn't do that, my friend.

I've had the police here, asking lots of questions about you.

It's probably best if you lay low for a bit, bun.

What?

Why? That woman called 'em, the one with the missing money.

And what did you tell them? I told 'em I didn't know where you were.

Did you tell them that I didn't take it?

Did you tell them that I wouldn't do that?

Geoffrey?

Geoffrey!

I told 'em that I didn't know where you were.

Fuck sake!

Dad, are we going back to the office?

No.

But don't we need another list? Yeah.

So, how...

Second rule of being a man:

Make sure you've got at least one mate who'll never let you down.

It helps if he thinks the sun shines out of your arse.

So don't aim too high.

Hello, you dirty cunt. Alright, poodle? I -

I can't get to the phone right now.

If you leave a message after the beep, I'll holler back.

I know where he'll be.

We're going to the pub. The pub?

Cool.

Heart of glass

you alright, bun? Alright, babe?

Poodle.

Gaz, has poodle been in yet? Nah, not seen him.

Junior, come here, sit down. We'll have a quick one while we wait.Ok.

Large scotch. And a coke, yeah?

A coke. Make it quick, bun?

You know your lad ain't supposed to be in here. Yeah, I know.

Yeah! Whoo! Whoo-whoo!

No school today?

Oi. What you doing?

Dad... When are we gonna go home?

You wanna be a top salesman? Yeah. Course.

Well, top salesmen have gotta be like sharks.

Ruthless, efficient killer sharks.

You know what happens to a shark if it stops moving? What?

It suffocates.

Well, fuck me! The boys!

Hi, poodle. Alright, poodle?

Ha, ha, ha!

Mwah! Christ, poo, you're absolutely steaming, mate.

Hi, poodle. What are you doing in here, little man?

Just having a quick one.

You, my little friend, are just too much.

Thought you were too busy to come and have a drink with your old pal.

Come on now, as if I'm ever too busy for my mate poodle.

Good to see ya.

Gary, a couple of scotches, and another coke.

In a minute. Show your appreciation for Jade... Not gonna lie,

I've been pretty fucking busy working my list.

Yeah? Pretty fucking busy or pretty busy fucking?

Well, I do like to go above and beyond for my customers.Yeah.

I know.

Course I fucking know.

What? You alright?

Course I am. Few drinks with the boys.

What more could I ask for?

Dad. Please put your hands together for Yvonne! Right.

Listen... I think I need a wee actually, dad.

Yeah, go on. Over there.

So, poo, mate, been a bit of a hot streak, actually.

Managed to burn right through my list.

So, I was gonna ask if...

There was any chance I could...

Hey.

You sure you're alright, mate?

Come on then.

Poo, what you doing?

Poodle, I need a word, mate.

Go on, go on.

Fuck sake. Poo!

Alright, babe. I'll see you a bit later, yeah?

Alright, babe, I'll see you later.

Come on, love. Yeah!

Poodle!

Weird, isn't it?

You don't have to understand it, you know.

It's ok to be a little boy...

And love spaceships and beetles.

Go on.

Go on, yeah.

Ha! Hooray!

Oi! Poodle! Get out of the fucking way!

Move yourself, man.

Sit down, you dickhead. I aren't fucking moving! Poo...

Poo. Sit down.

Will you fucking sit down?! Go on.

Move your fucking arse.

You ought to take the fucker outside.

Move out of the fucking way!

Hey, poodle.

Show it to me! Poodle. It's alright, gaz, he's had a few too many, mate.

Back the fuck off, will you? Go on. Go on. Show me.

Show me! Fuck this.

Poo! Fucking psycho.

Calm it down now. Fuck this, I'm going home. Fuck off!

No. Oi. Oi! You want pussy? Here you are!

Come here, come here, come here. Fuck you!

What's the matter with you? Let's get you another drink.

Sorry. Is this your room?

You're alright.

Are you here with your dad?

Christ.

You didn't fancy the funfair, no?

I'm not a little kid.

Alright, mate.

We're salesmen. On the road.

We'll be going soon.

Right. Working man, is it?

Won't be wanting any of this then?

Come on, poo. What's up with you? She's gone.

What you talking about, mate? Who's gone?

Annie. My Annie. She's fucked off, bun.

And it's like... you're my mate, aren't you?

Yeah. Course.

It's like she took it with her.

All of a sudden, it's gone.

I can't make a sale, I can't fuck, I can't...

It don't work anymore. Alright.

Don't panic, ok?

It's just one of those things.

Happens to everyone.

Has it happened to you?

Well, no.

But...

It's happened to people I know.

You mean me?

Yeah.

Nah, don't worry, poo, old bun will sort you out.

Gary, get us a couple more drinks, would you?

You alright?

Yeah.

I should go.

My dad's probably wondering where I am.

Back to work, right?

Working man.

Actually...

Can I please have some?

Take it.

Thanks.

Good luck. You too.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Thanks, bunny.

It's good to see you, mate. You too.

Yeah? Yeah.

I didn't just come in to say hello though, you know?

I was after a bit of a favour, actually.

What favour?

Look, truth is, ran into a spot of bother.

Caught with my pants down, you know how it goes.

And I managed to lose my list.

I was gonna ask for a couple of names off yours

but, actually, if you're not in the zone right now,

maybe I should take the whole thing off your hands. What do you reckon?

That's why you're here?

That's why you've come to see me? Fucking... yeah.

I'm not being rude, poo, but do you really think I've got time

to sit round listening to your sob stories?

It's your fault. What is?

You fucked her. After the wake.

Who? Annie.

Did I? Please. Poodle, what does it even fucking matter?

Poo!

Oi! What are you... what the...

Get off! Get the fuck...

You're a cunt, bunny!

A true, proper, total cunt!

I've been your best mate for years, and I love you,

but you don't give a fuck about anybody

but bunny fucking munro!

No wonder she killed herself!

Whoo. Oi.

For what it's worth.

She had a condition. You knew that. Everyone knew that. She was ill.

There was nothing me or anyone could do about that.

It wasn't my fault. None of this is my fault.

If you wanna hold onto a bird for two fucking minutes, poo,

maybe try not being such a fucking loser. Lost it?

Lost what? Lost it? You never fucking had it.

You're a part-timer, mate, an also-ran.

And if your bird was so special,

why don't I even remember fucking her?

Poodle.

Poodle!

Poodle!

Dad! Hey, poodle!

Poodle, man. I want you to say sorry to me. Poodle! Say sorry!

Poodle! Say sorry! And then will you give me the fucking list?

Bun.

No, no, no, no!

Poodle.

Poodle, mate.

Fucking hell! It's alright, mate. It's alright.

I've called the police, my wife's on the phone to an ambulance.

It's alright. The police? Yeah. Did you see the numberplate?

Help is on the way. Right, mate, just stay as still as you can.

Wait, where the fuck are you going? You can't just fuck off!

Oi!

Mate!

Where are you going?! You can't just fucking leave!

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm holding. Yeah.

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