Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language,

and scenes of a sexual nature.

Please be aware that this programme also contains themes of suicide.

Bun.

Bun, look at me.

What? He's not awake, is he?

No. Look at me.

Feels different.

What? Yeah.

Yeah, like it... like it's bigger than us now.

It's cosmic.

Bun. What?

It feels divine.

I love it.

I love having your baby.

And bun... I fucking love you, bunny.

Yeah.

Dad?

What are we gonna do now?

We're gonna get out there and shake that money tree,

is what we're gonna do.

Come on, junior!

Last thing,

and don't stop me if you've heard this one before. Alright, bun?

Alright, ray? What's green and smells of bacon?

Kermit's finger!

Fucking... Yeah, ok, I'll see you later.

How you doing, my friend?

Tip fucking top. Always.

So, er... so what you doing here? What do you think?

I'm ready to go, so I need the list.

Listen, bun.

When I lost my hilda, it took a while.

I'm fine. Why don't you just take some time?

There is no time.

I need to get out there, get warmed up.

What for? One week, 'til the big one.

What, the expo? There'll be others, bun.

Nah.

There won't.

It's an annual event, bun. It happens every year.

Christ, what happened last night?

You brought shame to the house of eternity enterprises.

Yeah, I also pissed myself.

Alright, bun? Alright, poodle?

Yeah, I'm going down the bedford for a little drinky-poos. I'll come.

We've gotta hit the road.

What, no school today?

We're shaking the money tree. Getting ready for the big one.

Right, dad? Right.

Now, Geoffrey, if you'd be so very kind, give me the fucking list.

Ok, bunny. You're the boss.

No, Geoffrey, you're the boss.

I just happen to be the only guy in this two-bit operation

who has the faintest fucking idea how to sell anything.

He's not wrong.

Ee-yah.

My gift to you.

She lives in newhaven. Ouch.

You will find her the most accommodating customer.

You think I've lost it, poo?

No. Course not. Course not, mate.

I just thought it might help with the grieving process.

If I ever need your freebies, poodle, I'll ask for them,

at which point you can shoot me in the head.

Love you.

Love you too. Now fuck off.

What now?

We're gonna relieve some boobs of their cabbage.

What?

We're gonna sell some stuff.

Yeah.

Dad?

What does "shaking the money tree" actually mean?

It's like this.

If you walk up to an oak tree,

one of those big solid bastards with roots that grow deep in the soil,

you walk up to a tree like that and give it a shake, what happens?

I don't know.

Nothing bloody happens, does it?

You could stand there shaking it all day long,

all that's gonna happen is your arms will get tired, right?

Right?

Yeah. Course.

But if you walk up to a skinny, dry, fucked-up little tree

with a withered trunk and a few leaves clinging on for dear life,

and you put your hands round it and shake the shit out of it,

as we say in the trade, then those bloody leaves

are gonna come flying off, right?

So, the oak tree's the rich bastard, and the skinny tree's the poor sod

who hasn't got any money. You with me?

Now, that all sounds easier than it is, bunny boy.

Do you wanna know why?

Ok, dad. Cos every fucking bastard and his dog

has got hold of the little tree and is shaking it for all it's worth.

The government, the bloody landlord, the lottery they don't have a chance

in hell of winning, all the useless shit they see on TV,

the fruit machines, the bookies, every bastard and his three-legged,

one-eyed, pox-ridden dog is shaking this little tree for all it's worth.

So...

You've got to set yourself apart.

You've got to have something they think they need,

above all else. What's that?

Hope.

The dream.

You've got to sell them the dream.

What's the dream?

Me.

Right.

Not you.

You're the navigator.

You're in charge of the map.

Making sure we're headed in the right direction.

Very important job. You up for it? Yeah!

So, what do I do now? You wait in the car.

Ok.

Alright, boys? Man: Fuck off.

You know, it's that time of night, boys.

What you looking at me for?

Now, let's see what we have here. Amanda, I've got you down

for the Moroccan Rose bath oil, re-nutriv lifting cream,

plus you wanted the dermo-expertise eye solace, and...

Bottle of scotch and a good night's sleep.

Yeah, right. With my kids? Know what I mean?

Now, Zoe, I'm very disappointed in you.

Zoe, he's disappointed.

You've ordered the geranium and orange bath oil,

and the eye solace, but, and it pains me to say this,

you've not ordered the lifting cream.

You absolute fiend.

Am I in trouble, mr munro?

100% plant oils, natural fragrance. Liquid heaven.

Barry white in a bottle. That's a big bottle, innit?

Amanda.

You know what baffles me, is why a woman as fine as yourself

feels it justifiable to deny her body

the very thing it aches for.

I'm very, very disappointed in you.

Buy the bloody cream. Alright.

I'll take it. Marvellous.

Now, Georgia.

I've got you down for the bath oil, the hair mask,

the pro-collagen night cream, and...

Anything else?

Anything?

I know.

A fucking good seeing to.

Now... Ladies!

I am shocked and quite frankly appalled,

I'm a bona fide professional. Yeah?

Then again, they do say that a satisfied customer

is a loyal customer, so we can't leave you...

Unsatisfied.

Can we?

No.

Mum?

Go and watch telly. Go.

Out you go. Go on.

Come on.

Yours?

Er, yeah.

Precious.

Er...

Er, do you have any kids, mr munro, or...

Yeah, I do. A boy.

How old is he?

Seven? Ten, maybe?

I'm afraid, ladies, that time has crept up on me.

Don't go yet. Come on, it's still early.

'A pleasant day's shopping in Birmingham descended into chaos,

when the man now dubbed "the horned killer" appeared.

Horrified witnesses noted the presence of fresh blood

on the garden fork he wields.

Residents of Birmingham have been advised...'

it's time to get the hell out of this town.

It's turned.

It's gone sour.

Me too?

Yeah, why the fuck not?

Ok. Great.

Where are we gonna go? Where do you wanna go?

Mummy always said she'd like to live in the countryside one day.

On a farm. I think I'd like that too.

Okie-dokie, a farm it is. Yeah?

Cool! Can we have animals?

It'd be a pretty crap farm with no animals, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Pretty crap alright.

Can we have chickens? Course we can.

And cows? Flocks of them.

Herds. Them too.

And a great big horny bull.

And... an alligator.

But... fuck it, two big bastard alligators.

But we don't get alligators on a farm.

Well, you do on our farm, mate.

Ok. Right, come on then, navigator.

Yeah, good lad. Good lad.

Alright, mate!

He's only having a go, you pillock!

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Bingo. Right. Come on then, navigator.

Your chance to shine.

Where are we going?

Charlotte parnovar, shoreham.

Have you been there before? No, but I know we're gonna have some fun.

Are we?

Yeah.

Shoreham... shoreham, it's right there.

What is wrong with you?

I told you, it's my eyes.

I need cream.

Mummy used to get it from the chemist, but...

Alright. Here's what we'll do.

I'll drop you at a chemist, and while I go and take care

of the lovely Charlotte parnovar, you can get your cream, alright?

On my own?

Yeah. I'll be quick.

Yeah?

Yeah. Suburban girls.

They're all the same.

Trapped in their immaculate little identikit houses.

They contact the office asking for a free demonstration

of this cream and that balm. Whatever.

Know what they really want? What they're secretly praying for?

What's that?

A real man to smash through their doors

and tear their fucking lives apart for half an hour.

And that's you, right, dad?

That's absolutely right, bunny, my boy.

Er... There's a chemist down on the high street.

You go and get your cream. Ok.

Listen, I won't be long, so you go and get your cream,

then come back and wait for me here, on those steps.

Good?

Don't talk to strangers!

Fuck's sake.

Frida kahlo.

Beautiful, isn't she?

You ok?

Yeah.

Just not quite feeling myself today.

Anyway, let's get back to business, shall we?

So, this replenishing cream is just heaven for the tootsies,

miss... may I call you Charlotte?

Sure. Well, you can call me bunny.

Bunny?

You are joking, right?

Er... I'm deadly serious.

And you know what they say about bunnies.

What do they say? Well, you know, that they...

I don't know what they say.

They...

Does this routine actually work on the ladies, bunny?

Yeah.

Did you just wink at me?

Maybe.

You are beyond belief. So they tell me.

Now, this rub will make you feel...

Where did you crawl from, bunny? The tar pits?

Like the Princess you've always deserved to be.

You're a dodo.

You should have a sign hanging round your neck saying "extinct".Hey.

I don't know what you think is going on here, but...

I'm just trying to do my job, ok?

Trying to make a living, trying to provide for my son.

Your son? You've got a son? Yeah.

Where is he?

He... He's waiting for me.

Lucky boy.

I'm sorry, mr munro.

I've gone too far.

I think I've wounded you. No.

You haven't.

It's alright.

I just need to use your bathroom.

What? Yeah.

Been on the road all day.

Need to go so much I can taste it.

You're a class act.

It's down the hall.

Fucking bitch.

Yeah, go on, have that.

Stupid woman.

Get it on your carpet.

And on your fucking magazines.

Go on.

What a piss.

Yeah, where's your toothpaste?

Naughty, naughty.

Can I help? Yes, please.

I need some eye cream.

Cora... Cora... chloramphenicol?

Yes.

That's £3.98 then, please.

Can I stay in here for a little bit?

Ok.

Are you ok?

I think so.

My mum usually does it.

Right. And where's your mum?

She's dead.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.

She must have wanted to die.

That's why it's not so sad.

So... Who's looking after you?

My dad.

We're on the road.

Shaking the money tree.

That means selling.

And where is he now, your dad?

I don't know.

Bingo.

Right, do you wanna buy any of this shit or not?

I detect a note of hostility.

Yeah, well, us dodos get like that sometimes.

What are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna ask you to get the fuck out of my house.

I'm leaving. But just so you know,

I just pissed all over your bathroom.

What?

All over the walls, the carpet, your woman's magazines...

You what? Your fucking toothbrush.

What are you...

Fuck off!

And you can take these,

and shove them up your arse! What the...

fuck!

We should fuck him up. Yeah, man.

This is our fucking scene. Just smash him.

I almost forgot your face.

Sweetheart, I think you ought to go to your nan's.

Yeah?

She doesn't want me.

She doesn't want to help your dad.

If you asked her...

But me and dad are gonna get a farm.

Yeah.

With the crocodiles.

I just think maybe your dad's not brilliant

at looking after anyone who isn't your dad.

Guess he's not much good at that either.

Junior!

Well, he didn't hang himself from the curtains, did he?

Are you alright?

Who's the coolest fucking dad in the world?

Whoa!

It's amazing! Wait 'til we get up to the room,

bunny boy, you're gonna love it. I'm gonna show you the weirdest thing in the world.

What? I'm talking completely whacko Jacko.

What? No, I mean seriously, like,

off the planet, Janet. What?

The tiniest fucking soaps you've ever seen in your entire life.

Can I help you? Certainly you can.

Nicest room you've got.

Where did you get that? Where did I get...?

Bunny boy, you are aware you're talking to the primo,

creme-de-la-creme number one salesman in the whole of Brighton, right?

Yeah. Course.

I could sell a bicycle to a barracuda.

Our Elizabeth room, sir.

Elizabeth.

I could sell two bicycles to a barracuda. I'm telling you.

Mate, I could sell the whole bloody bike shed.

Come on, you bald prick, give me some good news.

'We've had a complaint.

Woman called and said she had some money missing.

Now, obviously I told her that we at eternity enterprises

are not in the habit of employing thieves,

but she's threatening to ring the police, bun.

Also... your dad's carer called...'

you were right about the soaps, dad.

They're so tiny.

Can you teach me?

How to be a salesman like you?

I'm not a very good navigator,

and I don't like being left on my own.

Yeah?

Ok.

Really?

Teach you everything I know.

What you doing? Shaking the money tree.

Give me the flipping money!

Go on. Into bed.

Look at me, bunny.

Look at me.

That's all you had to do, bun.

Stop looking everywhere else.

We had it all.

I wanted it.

So why didn't you take it, you dope?

Don't know.

Yes, you do.

Bit late for a sales call, isn't it?

It's... Never too late to experience the...

Wonder of this hypoallergenic...

Er, rejuvenating...

Your mate told you where I lived, didn't he?

And what did he say about me?

He said you were a most accommodating customer.

Did he now?

Most obliging, he said.

Generous, even.

Tell me more about the cream.

Well, Pamela, this rich, hydrating, age-targeting...

Lotion...

Are you alright?

It's been a hard day.

Do you like pussy, bunny?

I love it.

How much do you love it?

I love it beyond all things.

I love it more than life itself.

Do you love my pussy?

Yeah.

I do.

I love it beyond all reason.

I love it 'til the cows come home.

Come and get it.

What's your name?

Penny charade.

What's yours? Bunny.

Bunny?

Bunny munro.

I've got a feeling about you.

I think things are gonna get a whole lot worse.

I know.

Subtitles by sky access services www.skyaccessibility.sky