Original subtitles

Get me a background check on Jerry Bernstein, I need to see his file.

You know someone's actually trying to access your file right now.

He's hiding something. I'm sure of it.

We're you disgraced at the NSA and forced to take the position here.

No.

Motherfu... (GRUNTS)

Heard.

Anyway, I'm taking Melissa up the Orinoco for her birthday,

so that will be nice.

Is it a surprise? I hope so.

(BOTH LAUGH) (PHONE CHIMES)

There you go.

Oh, no, I don't think those are ours. Yeah, they are. I ordered these.

Thank you. Jerry, I can't. I'm on duty.

Dude, come on.

How often do we get to do this?

Huh?

I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Oh, man, I love this track!

Oh, yeah. So, anyway, as part of my work at the FBI,

we've been investigating a few of the officers at the NSA.

Right. Right.

Hey, you want to dance? Uh, no, not right now.

So, we've just filed a report, and I hate to do this to you, buddy.

You know what? Whatever you're about to say,

surely it can wait three minutes.

Jerry. Jerry, please don't make this more difficult than it already is.

I've been asked to bring you in, but I'm sure it's just a formality.

Man, I'm in the middle of my dance here. Come on!

Jerry, whatever you did, I'm sure the NSA can strike a deal.

Whoo! Man, you still got it.

OK. Yeah!

Why don't we just go pay for our drinks.

Yeah, we'll just go. (LAUGHS)

What? What? That's my gun.

Yeah. That's my gun. Jerry.

Jerry. No, no, no, no, no. Yes.

Jerry. Let's do this!

Whoo-hoo! Please, Jerry.

No, no, no, no.

No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Jerry, no.

(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMING)

Oh, God! Is this because I'm sleeping with Melissa?!

WHAT?!

(BREATHLESSLY) Sorry I'm late. I overslept.

You look really well, Mary. Did you have a nice weekend?

Yes. Mum died.

Oh! Oh, God.

No, it's actually quite nice.

I get to choose my own clothes and everything.

Well, if that's everything,

I promised the Foreign Office an update on the Karazamov file.

It seems like there are now concerns there may be a mole here at GCHQ.

The fuck?

Fortunately, it's not for any of you to worry about.

Just to let you know,

I might be going on a little holiday

after I've made all of Mum's funeral arrangements.

And when is that?

Well, it was supposed to be Wednesday,

but then there was a mix-up at church.

So now I've had to have her back home for a few days.

How are you storing her?

Because if it gets too warm, she might explode.

Oh, gosh, well, she's just in the spare room at the minute

because next-door's dog kept finding her.

Fantastic. Shall we crack on?

Let me know if you want a hand with any of that.

My uncle used to run a funeral parlour back at home.

Really? Wow.

He actually invented a number of techniques

for putting the body into various shapes when in the coffin.

Will it be an open casket? Possibly, yes.

And will should be face up? I hope so.

Yeah. Because he used to do things like have the person waving like...

Or beckoning you over.

Or like they were trying to climb out, you know, like...

Ooh.

I was just wondering if it might be easier to cremate.

How's work? At home?

Well, no, with a ceremony and everything,

but I just thought it could be quicker.

Yes, or you could partially cremate her and then bury what's left.

It's a bit like starting off a jacket potato in the microwave.

Somebody's here. Right.

And? FBI.

And do they have a name? Um... Clint Foster.

Oh!

Sorry... it must have been something I ate.

Sorry, who did you say was here again?

Clint Foster. Oh!

Jerry, are you alright? Uh-huh.

Right. I have no idea who that is.

Did he leave a message? No, he's in your office.

My off... (RETCHES) Oh, my God.

You did plant the spy cam in Jerry's office.

Yeah.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Did you turn it on?

I see you cropped me out of our graduation photo.

Did I? What do you want, Clint?

Well, Jer...

Oh, was that your bad toe?

No.

Listen, I know this is awkward.

Not as awkward as you sitting on my desk.

Jerry. Clint.

Jerry. Clint.

When... Clint.

Jerry. Clint, what?

Just be... We need to talk.

No, you don't tell me what to do. First, get off my desk.

Stand... There you go.

OK.

And now I want you to shut the door and come inside your office.

No. You know what? We need to swap places.

One, two, three, swap.

Now get the fuck out of my office!

Jerry! Jerry! Go on!

Jerry. We need to talk. You get the hell out of here.

OK? I never want to see you again.

What's going on? You want to tell her, Clint? Huh?

You wanna explain to everyone how you slept with my wife?

Look, neither of us meant for that to happen.

Oh, yeah? What? Did it just fall in there, huh?

How many times? How many times did you sleep with her?

Jesus, Jerry, let's not do this in front of everyone.

No, I'm sure they all want to know anyway.

How many? Including last night?

(GRUNTS)

Mm-hm.

Eight or nine...

..hundred times.

What?

Why? Why, Clint?

I don't know.

Because maybe I haven't felt this way

about anybody since Kimberly died.

I don't even know who that is.

Kimberly.

My first wife.

Got hit by a truck.

Oh, Kimberly.

Listen, Jerry, why don't you and I go find a place

where we can talk in private?

It's for your own good.

No,

I'm not going to grant a divorce, Clint.

Screw Melissa and screw you.

You and me are done.

Is that why you think I'm here?

The NSA have called your case back into review.

I'm here to take you home.

The plane leaves tonight.

(RETCHES)

Oh!

OK, so, naturally, I have a few things I'd like to say,

and I'm sure you have a few questions of your own.

Or absolutely tons.

But for now, just in the interests of time,

I'd appreciate if you didn't interrupt.

So obviously you're aware that I work for the NSA.

Do you want me to say even when I agree?

Well, some indication that you're alive would be nice.

Sorry, yeah, of course I know that. Yeah.

Anyway, you remember how I also said I was close to the president?

Are you waiting for me to respond? Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Well, I was.

Right.

Now, let's just say I was approached by a member of his team

to look into ways in which I could potentially influence

the results of the election, purely from a cyber perspective.

Did that actually happen, then? Doesn't matter.

But let's just say a high-ranking figure asked you to do the same.

What would you do?

Oh, I wouldn't even know where to start.

I struggle with Excel sometimes, so...

OK, sure. But put yourself in my shoes.

You're someone at the NSA who's been working on this stuff for years.

You're at the top of your game. You're kind of amazing.

Yeah.

Which is why you find yourself on vacation with this senator

who's acting like you're best buds.

Right.

In which case I would say, "Listen, we're best buds,

"but, you know, I work with NSA, I'm not allowed to talk about it."

Well, of course, that's what you're MEANT to say.

But now imagine you're in this beautiful sushi bar.

Oh, lovely.

You've already consumed several bottles of sake.

Oh, hell.

Tina Turner is in one corner of the room.

Why? It doesn't matter.

Is she singing? She's asleep.

I'm just trying to paint a picture here.

My point is there's a world in which you might share

some highly classified intel.

Right?

Not if it undermined national security, no.

But what if you knew it would make your country stronger,

safer, more American?

Isn't that verging on treason, though?

By whose definition?

The legal definition. Then, yeah.

Aren't you worried about that? I am now.

Oh, they can't send you back.

What will I do all day?

My point is, there is a world in which

you might share some highly classified...

Is it working now? Perfectly.

Do you mind if I stay at Dad's tonight?

JERRY: What if you knew it would make...

Yes, I do.

..more American?

Well, guys, unless anyone knows how to avoid an extradition order,

I guess this is it.

Clint's given me till the end of the day

to wrap everything up and say my goodbyes.

Shame you didn't get married while you were over here.

Why?

I could avoid extradition if I'd married a Brit.

I think so.

It's how Paddington avoided being sent back to Peru.

I don't know, maybe it's different for bears.

Wait a minute.

Couldn't we just pretend I married one of you guys months ago

and forged the documents?

Tuva, would you... No.

What about Mary? Oh, gosh.

I'd love to, it's just me and Quentin have started, you know.

No, it's OK. People wouldn't have bought us as a couple anyway,

given your whole, you know, face.

But who else is there?

What?

OK, we need to make this absolutely bullet proof.

The NSA are going to want to see witness testimonials,

marriage certificates, wedding footage.

What about your wife? Melissa?

Can you kill her off? On paper, I mean.

Sure, I can do that. Can it be crocodiles?

Sure, I can do that.

When do you want to say that you got married?

9/11? It's gotta be more recent than that.

I just read a lot of hotel wedding packages are much cheaper that day.

Hey, I don't wanna go cheap.

If we're gonna go through with this, I wanna go all out.

Great. Hey, I won't get into trouble with the NSA for doing this, will I?

Hey, listen, this is all on me, OK?

If you guys go down, I'll be right behind you.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(DISCONNECTED TONE BEEPS)

OK, so, for the NSA to buy this,

they have to believe that we are completely in love

and that our love for each other is so intense

it would break your heart if I left you, OK?

Are you comfortable with that? God, yeah. Yeah.

Alright, let's do this.

Oh, take that off. OK.

Do you want to put it... No, just throw it on the floor.

Great. Smile. Smile.

Do you want that there? You don't need to.

Smile. OK.

Are you ready?

We should be laughing as we kind of go into it.

OK. (BOTH LAUGH)

So, how long have you and Jerry been an item?

Oh, God. Well, since the first day he arrived.

I mean, it was like being attacked by a bull.

And did you mind the age difference?

Um... not really, no. No, no.

It was... No, I didn't.

No. I mean, I think when you're truly in love with someone

you just don't really see age.

Mm, yeah.

You know, even when it's, you know, really quite, quite big.

But, um... yeah, occasionally I'll wake up at night

and just be like, "Oh, God, you know, like, when I'm 70,

"he'll be, what 130, 140?

140 or something. We should probably move on.

I mean, the sex is...

Is what? Yeah, I don't think we should talk...

Let's not mention that. It's nothing. It's nothing.

So, are you and Jerry living together now?

We are. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, we are.

Thank goodness, because there was a while there

that it was almost painful that we were apart so much.

It was a very difficult 24 hours.

But, I mean, I'm still living with my dad.

So it is quite tight, isn't it? Yep.

Look at this smile!

Just... Oh!

Sorry, for the edit, maybe ask about kids.

You know, like, we're... like, we've been talking about kids.

OK, OK.

I think it'll help the case.

Do you like kids? I like kids. We both like kids.

It's funny you should ask because... We have five kids.

Oh, you have five kids.

So, we... And how old?

Whew! How old are they now?

Yes.

(SIGHS) What, they're, well...

..five, four...

..three, two and one.

Yeah, we're not gonna be able to use any of that.

Listen, I just want to thank you for your cooperation.

You could have made this all a lot more difficult.

Anytime. Don't take this the wrong way,

but we have a nickname for you back in the States.

The Iron Curtain.

You're impenetrable.

Why would I take that the wrong way?

I very much enjoyed last night.

Yes. Me too.

I just wondered if you could check under your bed.

My external hard drive's gone missing.

I haven't seen it.

It's very sensitive.

Quentin, do you have your camera? Yes.

OK, get ready.

(SHOES TAP LOUDLY)

Are you sure this is gonna be OK?

It's the only suit they had in your size, sorry.

No, I'm not supposed to see you. It's bad luck.

So should I just walk in from the back?

Yeah. Do you have any music? I could sing something.

Oh. Well, that's up to the bride.

Oh, no, I'd love that. Cool.

OK. Let's do this.

(SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SHOES TAP LOUDLY)

(STOPS SINGING)

(RESUMES SINGING)

(STOPS SINGING)

(RESUMES SINGING) OK, I think we're good.

It's beautiful. Joseph, repeat after me.

Repeat after me. I do solemnly declare...

(MIMICS) I do solemnly declare...

..that I, Joseph Harries... ..that I, Joseph Harries...

Just use your own voice.

Oh. Try it again, please.

I do solemnly declare... I do solemnly declare...

..that I, Joseph Harries... ..that I...

..Joseph Harries... ..Joseph Harries...

..know not of any lawful impediment...

..know not of any lawful... Impediment.

Impediment. ..impediment...

..why I should not be married to Jerry Apache Bernstein.

..why I should not be married

to Jerry Apache Bernstein.

Apart from the outstanding extradition order.

But I'm sure we'll... OK, we'll edit that out later.

Uh, Tuva, do you have the rings?

What?

So it was a bit unsure as to how this might work out,

but it's good to know you know how to play with the big boys.

Well, it isn't all the time we get to cooperate

alongside one of our oldest and closest allies.

You know, if you're ever looking for a way out of this shithole,

we'd love someone like you at the FBI.

You've certainly earned your points with the NSA.

Maybe now they'll take us seriously.

(LAUGHS) Maybe.

(BEEPING) EVELYN: Where is everyone?

What do you mean where is everyone?

I don't know. (SIGHS)

Joseph Harries, with this ring... s, I thee wed.

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

Take that.

Um... Jerry Apache Bernstein,

With this skull ring, I thee wed.

Aww.

Without further ado, it gives me great pleasure

to pronounce you partners in law.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

(SMASH!) (ALL CHEER)

And now kiss the bride. Oh, I don't think we...

OK, now we turn around.

Chris. Hey. Sorry, we were just... Filming.

..filming a short...

Porno. Show reel. Show reel.

Yeah, I've got a buddy in the adult film industry

who's looking for a few dwarfs for his next project.

Really? Because what it looks like is your staging a wedding

in order to avoid immediate extradition to the United States

where you're highly likely to face charges of treason.

Jerry, buddy,

you really think this is going to make a difference?

Come on, we're leaving.

Hang on.

I must say, I do find it staggering

that the FBI and the NSA should choose to pin all this

on an individual.

Jerry is unequivocally one of the most average officers

I've ever had the pleasure of working with.

So to somehow imply that he could have influenced an entire election

not only insults my intelligence,

which in case you hadn't already figured, is really quite high,

but also stinks of the NSA looking for a scapegoat

to save its own skin.

We all make mistakes.

All of us.

I once overcooked beef.

But although it may not look it,

we are only human and we live in increasingly testing times.

So perhaps even people like Jerry deserve a second chance.

Just maybe not a third.

For now, though, he remains one of us.

My responsibility.

And I won't have him suddenly taken away from this "shithole",

particularly as I can have this whole saga wrapped up

in so much red tape that before you're even allowed

to so much as look at Jerry again,

everyone in this room will have passed away, even Evelyn.

Oh, my God.

They're gonna come after you, no matter what.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Whatever. No.

Wow, Chris.

I didn't realise I was such a valuable asset to GCHQ.

'Asset' is one word for it. 'Leverage' is another.

Imagine how much intel the NSA might be willing to give away

if we held on to you.

Right. So I'm kind of like a ransom. That's cool.

It's still a compliment, right?

Right?

Sorry, Chris, can I just check,

do we still get time off for a honeymoon?

To Chris!

No, no, pick that up! (ALL CHEER)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(ALL TALK LOUDLY)

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

Mary... Mary, we're doing shots.

Hey, come do a shot! Come do a shot.