Original subtitles

Oh, hi, Sally.

It's Mary.

Well, actually, I was wondering

whether we should take the Brownies somewhere else this weekend.

Oh, no reason.

No, nothing to do with work.

Oh, gosh. Um...

Well... anywhere, really.

Shetland?

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

And in short, that's why I have to sleep completely naked.

Well, that's good to know.

OK. So just to remind everyone, we're still on Amber Alert,

following the poison water attacks that took place in Paris

over the weekend.

How far is Paris?

Aside from Paris, what else is going on, Joseph?

Do we have a systems update?

Yes. Not great, I'm afraid.

Tuva's already looking into who might be behind it,

but we had an attack on one of our own servers last night.

Oh, fucking tense. I know.

When exactly did it happen? There you go.

(SIREN WHOOPS) No!

WOMAN: (OVER PA) Attention, please. This is a test.

Please take no action.

What on earth are you doing?

Sorry,

I still get PTSD from my time in Afghanistan.

You never served in Afghanistan.

No, I know, but the drone footage I saw was very realistic.

How much data was compromised?

Mostly odds and sods, really. Uh...

Mostly dates from the middle server.

But they did manage to capture a tiny bit

of Mary's internet browsing history.

Oh, no.

Please tell me none of that was sensitive.

No. Apart from I have been looking online for a new bra.

Really? What type?

Just a brown one.

Yeah, baby.

Found him. This is our hacker.

Fuck me. Oh, my God.

Gosh, what a dish.

Sorry. Jerry, do you mind using less bad language?

Seriously?

Shit's fine, though, isn't it? I say shit all the time.

No, you just talk shit. There's a difference. Ooh!

Oh, yeah! (BOTH LAUGH)

You have to let go. Sorry.

This guy is good. He once hacked the NSA database.

The NSA database, really?

You know, maybe... maybe we should bring this guy in

make him part of the team.

Absolutely not. I'm serious.

I mean, Tuva used to be a hacker. Right?

I don't know if I appreciate the term 'hacker'

because I'm also a singer.

The only reason Tuva is here

is because she made a bargaining plea with the government

in exchange for some highly sensitive intel.

Please don't say... It was about the Brexit campaign.

..what that was about.

My point is, we should keep our enemies close.

Surely we can agree on that.

Look, give me 48 hours with him.

If it doesn't work out, I'm willing to take the hit on this.

Fine.

Really? Why not?

I have complete faith in you.

Oh.

Looks like I'm finally rubbing you off.

On me.

Finally... Rubbing off on you.

Rubbing... Rubbing off on you.

And finally...

Yes. Yes, that's it. Rubbing...

Rubbing... You're rubbing off on me.

You wish.

One final thing.

Barnaby Bailer will be delivering his seminar

on the politics of cybersecurity this week,

to which you're all invited.

Bailer? The Middle East attache?

I love that guy.

He and I used to make these, um, these cupcakes together

when he was over for 9/11.

Who's running his protection detail?

'Cause last time got pretty rowdy.

I'm sure his people are on it, given his somewhat contentious legacy.

Well, I'll pop down there, just to be sure.

Know what I'm saying? I can't hear you.

Um... Just in case it should come up...

I actually used to date Barnaby Bailer.

What the fuck? Jerry, please.

When we were in university together.

I don't suspect he'll remember me, though.

It was all, you know, very brief.

What? Like in a premature ejaculation kind of way?

Sorry, I... really didn't know what that is.

Well, I'm sure Joseph can show you.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Yeah!

Why, what is it?

Jerry? What is it?

I don't know. Shall we look it up?

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thanks.

My contact at the NSA has agreed

to let me view Jerry's internal file.

Can you save it onto the private server? It's important.

Sure. Do you want an ice-cream?

Did you hear anything I just said?

No.

(INDISTINCT HUBBUB)

Mm-hm.

Is everything OK?

Oh, yeah. Don't know where Jerry got to, that's all.

He and I usually have a coffee around this time.

Well, I bring him a coffee and just watch him drink it.

Thanks, Mary.

(GASPS) Oh!

Quentin! Hello.

Sorry. I picked up Mum's glasses by accident this morning.

I thought you said she couldn't see.

Oh, well, she can't at the moment.

What are you up to this evening?

Um, well,

I usually help Mum with her bath on Wednesdays, so...

Let me know if I can ever be of service.

No, I didn't think Mum would like that.

She wouldn't know if she can't see.

She would know if there were four hands in the bath.

Yes.

Half an octopus.

Yes!

(CHUCKLES)

See you later. OK!

So I thought I'd start out by giving you, like, a quick tour,

and then, I don't know, I thought we'd just, you know,

hang out, grab a drink, maybe some tail.

Guys. This is Tom.

He's the one that hacked our server the other night.

Hey, Tom. Hi!

This is Mary.

Mary's been with GCHQ from the beginning.

When was it founded, Mary?

1919.

Right. So then. Oh, well. Not quite.

I'm actually a lot younger than I look.

Really? By how much?

Oh, gosh.

No-one's ever asked me that before.

Plus, she's absolutely filthy.

You know what I mean? The mouth on her.

This is Tuva.

What did you... What did you get up to this weekend?

Not much.

I just went to a club, got with a couple of soldiers.

Your accent's really fresh. What exactly is it?

It's a mix.

So you hacked the GCHQ server? Yeah.

I don't know whether to be impressed, annoyed or aroused.

Probably annoyed. Annoyed.

Aroused.

I could set the sprinklers off, if you like.

Hey, Tom, this is Joseph.

Yeah, I'm Joseph Harries.

I'm actually Jerry's best friend. PA.

Sorry, no, you go.

Colleague.

Do you always dress like that?

Yes. Why?

No, it's cool. I was wondering if it was for a bet or something.

(LAUGHS) I can't even tell if he's joking!

I know. Are you joking?

Do you work out?

Because your... I mean, your traps are amazing.

No. Just came out like this.

Let me introduce you to Christine.

She's like the scary Mary Poppins of the team.

He seems nice.

I just think he finds me a little bit intimidating,

which is a shame, really.

No, he's hiding something. I'm sure of it.

MAN: (OVER COMPUTER) Our hands are tied, Chris. Sorry.

Whitehall don't want us digging around.

(ORCHESTRA TUNES UP IN DISTANCE) What's that noise?

Are you still on the anthrax case?

(APPLAUSE) Sort of.

Phantom of the Opera, Damascus.

Ooh, it's just starting. (ORCHESTRA PLAYS)

(CONNECTION BEEPS)

(COMPUTER TRILLS)

Oh, hey, just out of interest.

Is it possible for someone like you to hack in to,

say, I don't know, the, uh... the NSA database?

Have a look around? Delete the odd file?

Someone's actually trying to access your file right now.

What?

Oh, that's... Yeah.

Can you abort that transfer?

Just for fun?

Yeah, I can just do... aborted. (COMPUTER TRILLS)

(COMPUTER TRILLS)

Ah... What's... what's happening?

It's unloading again. What the...

I can just permanently delete the file.

I would love to see what that looks like.

(SNIFFS)

I love your cologne, by the way.

I'm not wearing any.

Still... Done.

(COMPUTER DINGS)

Jerry? Yeah?

Should I clean up your browsing history?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Please.

That would be great.

(TYPES RAPIDLY) (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

I'll be back.

Hey. Hey, man.

I just wondered if you fancied going to the canteen together.

They're doing the curly sausage you like.

Oh, man, I'd love to.

But actually, Tom and I are going out for T-bones later.

Tonight?

Because I'm not doing anything. I...

You know, I look at this guy

and I can't help but think about that saying,

"You hang around with chickens, you cluck.

"You hang around with eagles, you fly."

Yeah, I know.

But the main thing with eagles, they all have mental health problems.

All done.

So when exactly... Excuse me.

Yeah! Thank you. Whoo-hoo!

Dude, seriously. How do you stay in shape?

Well, I used to be a gymnast, but I just got too big.

Yeah, no, me too.

So what kind of stuff? I mean, can you show me something?

It's been a while. Come on, man.

I'm out of practice. Come on.

JOSEPH: Oh, hey, guys. Ah.

Come on. Yeah. OK. Watch this.

(GASPS) Oh! Whoa!

What the fuck?

That was great. No, that was... You see that?

I did. I used to do quite a lot of that when I was at gym club.

What... You... You were a gymnast?

Oh, it's mostly combat rolls, that kind of thing.

What's a combat roll? Yeah.

Oh, well, hang on. Let me..

Just need a bit of space. Thank you.

It's kind of...

Sort of like...

(GRUNTS)

Just get your leg over and...

Something like... like this...

You paid someone to teach you that?

Yeah.

Isn't that just a teddy bear roll?

Yeah. Combat roll.

I practised a lot more complicated stuff in my bedroom, just..

BOTH: Like what?

I can't really demonstrate here because there's not the space...

Not the height. For you?

Come on! I just can't really.

I'm not warmed up. BOTH: Joseph! Joseph!

Joseph! Joseph!

Uh... OK! OK! Joseph! Joseph!

Joseph! Joseph!

CHRIS: original Eureka machine...

Oi! Keep your hands up! No, no, no, I wasn't...

(TASER BUZZES) AHHHHH!

Ahhhhh!

(SPLUTTERS)

You hungry? I could eat.

(BUZZING CONTINUES) (SPLUTTERS)

Ooh! (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man. (KNOCKS AT DOOR)

Yeah. (DOOR OPENS)

JOSEPH: Hey. Hey. What the fuck?

Is everything OK?

Yeah. Why?

You know I got tased, right?

No, I know THAT, but what are you...

What... What happened?

Just fancied a change.

What, from man to woman?

What do you do to your hair?

It was meant to go blond.

No. No?

No, that would never work with someone of your colouring.

I mean, you end up looking like a bee.

Buddy.

(SIGHS)

So, have you, um...

..all finished with Tom now?

Has he... gone back... Where is he?

Oh, he'll be in later this afternoon.

We got totally shitfaced last night.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

What's up?

Oh, nothing. Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

Dude... is this because of Tom?

(LAUGHS)

Listen, you need to relax and just be your own man.

OK? You do you.

That's the coolest thing you could do.

Yeah. OK?

Yeah.

Well, you know, just as long as, you know, I get to...

What? Well, you know, remain...

Oh... What... Like this?

Yeah. Yeah.

No, this will never change.

Oh, right. Thank you. Oh, good. (LAUGHS)

So what are you doing tonight?

Do you want to go to the cinema or something?

No, I'm out again tonight with Tom.

When was the last time you saw Barnaby?

Oh, gosh, nearly 40 years ago now.

Still think about him every day, though.

Could I ask...

..are you still a virgin?

Oh! Um...

Yes. But only fairly recently.

And when was the last time you washed your wig?

Uh... It's not a wig.

Tommy!

Hey.

So, listen, I was just thinking having some birthday drinks.

I can't. I'm sorry.

No, it's not tonight. Sorry. I should've been clearer.

I know you and Jerry have got a thing, which is fine.

No, I just mean, in general I probably can't make it.

Well, that's cool. That's cool.

Yeah, I can be really flexible anyway.

I haven't booked anywhere 'cause... (MUTTERS, LAUGHS)

Just let me know. I am letting you know.

I can't make it.

Let's not rule anything out.

I mean, it's not for eight months, Tom.

OK. I want you guys here, here, here, here and here throughout.

Got it?

Also, I'm going to need you to clear a little more space over here

just in case I need to do karate.

I had a bodyguard buddy who lost his job

because there wasn't enough space for him to do karate at a key moment.

Right. Back up a bit.

Little more. Little more!

(GRUNTS)

Yeah. Another two or three feet. Right over there.

So are there any areas you'd like me to accentuate?

Oh, well.

The vicar at church,

he always says I have lovely cheekbones.

My only worry is that if I bring those out any more,

you're going to look like a skull on a broomstick.

Right.

Cigarette?

Yeah, alright.

Ah.

That one alright?

I'll have this one.

You got a light?

Are you still lighting your cigarettes? I just chew mine.

(HACKS, COUGHS)

Lips? Oh, yes, please.

I'd really like him to tell I've got lips.

I'd go for bright pink.

If it's the first time you've seen each other in a while,

then you want your lips to look like, um...

..a cat's butthole.

Oh.

Oh! And do lots of men find that attractive?

No, but Barnaby will.

Let's start. OK.

Guest list. (SNAPS FINGERS)

No. That whole thing needs to be redone.

If I can't pronounce the last name, I want them off the list.

Oh! (GRUNTS)

Good. Good!

Oh, wow.

Ow. Did you do that piercing yourself?

No.

I just slept awkwardly.

Nice to see a bit of blood, though. Are you coming?

Oh, no, I think me and Tom are just going to hang.

Cool.

No. Where are you going?

To the Barnaby Bailer thing.

Barnaby Bailer's here? Politician?

Yeah, I know. What a fucking dickhead.

No, I should go. It'll be fun.

That's what I meant. Be fun. Should go.

I need you in that corner.

Bailer. Hi.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

We did 9/11 together. Can I get you a little cupcake?

You fucking maniac!

I'd love a glass of milk, please. Right.

Can someone get Barnaby a glass of milk?

Hi, Barnaby.

Would you mind just taking a quick pic for a social media?

No. Of course not. Would you like me in it again?

No, of course not. You know what? Let me do this.

I'm really good at wildlife photography.

How do you... Right. OK.

One... two...

Chris, you may want to try to smile.

You know, just imagine there's been an attack on US soil.

(LAUGHS)

Still no good. Why don't we sex this up a little?

Tom! Leave that. Come here.

Throw your arm around Baylor.

Yeah. Oh, this is... Yeah, this is better right away. Here we go.

Sorry, Jerry. Hi. Barnaby. Joseph Harries.

I don't know if you're concerned about having a natural mouth shape,

but if you say 'Wagamama' a lot,

it gives you a very kind of honest look.

Alright. Should we try that?

One, two, three.

ALL: Wagamama.

I've actually never been to one.

Oh, it's really great.

The only thing, food always arrives at different times.

Why? No-one knows.

Chris, take a look at this. I think it's terrific.

Evelyn looks great.

Uh..

Hi, Barnaby. How are you?

Hi. I'm... I'm good, thanks.

Mary Neaten.

We were at Oxford together.

St John's. Right.

Are you the one that had a stroke?

Oh, gosh, no.

It's just make-up.

Right.

Lovely to see you again.

I'm surprised you even remember me. I don't remember you.

OK. Shall we start? Yes.

Great. Everyone! We're gonna start.

Just so you know, I'm going to be up top in case anyone tries to...

Bph! Bsssh!

See where Tom went? Shh!

Right. Well.

Hello, everyone, and thanks so much for having me.

In an increasingly digital world,

cooperation between intelligence agencies has become vital.

And never has politics played such an important role

in how we view cybersecurity as a society.

In 1997... (MURMURING)

..I started a very long journey

together with my wife, Samantha.

We moved into Downing Street with a promise

to the people of Britain.

(SIREN WHOOPS)

No! Wait! What, what, what?

Let go! No!

OK... (SIREN STOPS)

Our friends from Greenpeace in.

(LAUGHS) Something.

Anyway, onwards and upwards.

Good.

Either we treat hacking offences as serious crimes...

(MICROPHONE BUZZES) (DISTORTED) ..or...

(TAPS MICROPHONE)

..or face the consequences... (FEEDBACK WHINES)

..of... (SIGHS)

(DAVID BOWIE'S SPACE ODDITY PLAYS) Has someone hacked the system?

I expected better than this, to be honest.

♪ Ground Control to Major Tom... ♪

Excellent. Now it's all over Twitter.

Anyone know who's responsible?

I must say, I'm looking forward to explain to Rupert

which one of us decided to invite a random hacker into the building.

Go ahead.

There's nothing here that says this was the work of Tom.

Let's get this sorted. (ELECTRONIC TRILLING)

Could be a different Tom.

Guys, I really have to tell you... Oh, my God.

♪ Ground Control to Major Tom... Jeez!

♪ You've really made the grade

♪ And the papers want to know whose shirt you wear

Want to go get some T-bones? Yeah.

♪ Now it's to leave the capsule if you dare... ♪

(SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Very nice.

Cat bum. Oh!

Thank you.

(CONTINUES SINGING)

♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray

♪ Misery is on the way

♪ There are bad times just around the corner

♪ There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky

♪ It's as clear as crystal from Bridlington to Bristol

♪ That we can't save democracy and we don't much care

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics of the old Red Flag... ♪