Original subtitles

This is a letter, Ms. Morrison.

Mr. H. Hanley Halliday of Halliday Auto Sales, Flemont, Texas.

The address is in the file.

Dear Mr. Halliday, in reference to the twins, Gene and Joan Halliday, after

of painstaking investigation, I've located your nieces, Gene and Joan, here

Manhattan.

The girls are working as waitresses at the Chew and Sip Cafeteria on Lower

Broadway and are living at the Hotel Escadrille on West 27th Street.

The Escadrille is a residential hotel for young women run by an elderly woman

named Miss Teagarden. They're living in a wholesome and safe environment.

As for the question of money, Mr. Halliday, your niece's spending patterns

the past week suggest a moderate income at best.

What a pile of shit.

I can't.

If I ever thought I was going to wind up in something like this, I'd have thrown

that son of a bitch Halliday out the minute he walked into my office.

I was sitting there, minding my own business, listening to the rats do a

shoe behind the baseboard and wondering where the rent on the soft shoes is

coming from.

Come in.

Howdy, son.

My name's Halliday.

H. Hanley Halliday.

My friends call me Hubie, but you can call me Mr. Halliday.

That's a little joke, son.

What can I do for you, Mr. Halliday?

Why, uh...

I was looking for somebody, and I thought maybe you could help me.

Oh, I got the picture right here.

There's Joan on the left and Gene on the right.

No, that's Gene on the right and Joan on the left.

Well, it don't matter now.

Here. They left home about five, six days ago thereabouts. As soon as I

they was gone, I...

Well, I got me a seat on a big old bird and come up to the big city to look for

him. So what do you need me for?

Well, you see, I don't want him to know I'm looking.

If I was to run into him, they'd just go someplace else. Because right now they

don't, well, not to give you a long story, they don't approve of Uncle Hubie

right now.

According to the old man, they were scandalized when they caught him getting

piece from his secretary.

You wanted me, Hubie?

Ooh, that's a big 10 -4, honeybunch.

You want me to take a letter or what?

What I want you to take is my dick.

That's what I like about working for you, QB. You got real flash, you know?

You bragging or complaining?

Well, I sure as hell ain't complaining. That's the thing.

Especially with benefits like old Bertie here.

Right now, old Bertie no bigger than a bar of soap after a hard week's washing.

Oh, but when you get that mouth of yours going, I get hotter than a scorpion's

tail.

Pretty soon, old Freddie will be bigging up the club of bar.

Oh, shut up, Hubie.

Polly, baby, I mean, you tired of the mouse caught in the molasses barrel?

Oh, for Christ's sakes, Hubie, shut up and fuck.

in the big, bad city, Mr. Halliday.

But is your peace of mind worth a private detective?

It can be pretty expensive.

Like? Like $200 a day, plus expenses.

Now, you ain't the only gumshoe in the book, sonny.

I don't think you're the most experienced, neither, if I reckon

fact, you don't even look like a real detective. You look more like one of

hippie types.

Mr. Halliday, in my business, I have to blend into the background.

Most of my cases... or locating runaways, and looking like this helps me

work.

I can go anywhere, and no one will give me a second look.

This is New York, not slummy Texas.

The way I look is less conspicuous than the way you dress, but all of that

probably doesn't make a difference, because I'm probably the only private

investigator who'd even consider taking your case.

Aren't I?

You don't expect me to think you came here first, did you?

Now, why don't you tell me the whole story?

Well... You see, after they go on, close to $150 ,000 is missing from the safe

in my office. Now, I suppose it's my own fault for keeping that much cash on

hand, but I don't know who took it. Now, Mayula May, that's my little

woman, she figures the twins took it.

So you don't believe her?

Well, I don't know what to believe.

Mayula May, she raised them, killer.

It was her idea that she'd work in a store in the first place.

You see...

The little woman is what you might call something of a prude.

She raised them girls to think that everything's a sin, so how could they

possibly steal? For me, no less.

Needless to say, the little woman doesn't know anything about you. Well,

can't live like you, LeMay. Shit, I'm a normal red -blooded American good old

boy.

I like to have me a little nookie now and then.

So that's why you don't want to go to the police about the missing money or

insurance people, because that means an investigation.

Close to home. And that ups the chances of you, LeMay, finding out about how

much of a good old boy you really are. Yeah, I see you and me. We're going to

get along right fine.

There's a thousand dollars.

Cash.

What, are we enough to get you started, huh?

I think so.

Lots more where that came from, sonny.

You see, every time a cherry pops at Flemish High School, it's because I done

sold some boy's daddy a brand new car.

That's a joke that I say that's a joke I was on the case the hopeless one at

that no lead

The kind of bread that dumb fuck was laying on me.

I'd have been a fool to turn him down. So I started looking.

I ran into this guy who remembered them. I saw them come in at Port Authority.

They were looking for a cheap place to stay, and he sent them to the Hotel

Escadrille. Only it wasn't quite like the way I'm going to tell Halliday it

A run -down flea bag.

The girls decided to leave the Hotel Escadrille, and the night clerk tried to

seal them up behind the coke machine in the lobby.

Not before I tracked them down.

The night clerk let me peek in on them through the keyhole in the door to the

adjoining room.

He was only too happy to get back at them for not putting out.

Fifteen dollars?

That would be the price.

What are you saying?

We can't afford to be fasting.

Well, we ain't got a job and haven't got much money left.

Well, the cops didn't ask if it was okay.

Well, it's got a co -wishing there in the lobby. I ain't going.

Dispossessed? I beg your pardon?

No, we're from Texas.

And you just got into town, right?

How'd you know?

I was in town once myself.

Tell you what.

You girls mind if I help you with those bags?

What harm can I do? Look, I got a wounded paw.

You really want to go out there now at this hour, do you?

Well, we... Tell you what.

Why don't you girls stay here?

You've been awfully kind.

Well, maybe just for tonight.

Like I said, you can stay here as long as you like.

But Travis, he's my roommate.

Travis and I can, you know, we can use the company.

Well, we don't have any rent money and we have no place to stay.

You don't have to worry about rent money.

We'll work it out somehow, okay?

You must think you're something special.

Baby, you don't know the half of it.

No? Nope.

Half is about that big.

Wow, that's great.

Fantastic.

Can I have some of that?

Really? Come on, baby.

It's your turn.

He's cool.

Talk about green.

Hey, Travis.

Hi. Hey, I'd like you to meet Joan and... I'm Joan.

Joan and Gene.

Hey, they're going to stay with us for a while.

Really?

See, man, you were in here, you know, so I took the liberty to ask him this

thing. Oh, we rehearsed really late, so I... Jesus, dude, can we talk about this

later? Hey.

We're here.

Why don't you stay for a while?

Go on.

Oh.

Yes, Mr. Gilbert.

Well, it's 5 .15, Gloria.

Yes, Mr. Gilbert.

Bunny?

Gloria. Hi. Can you have it for me?

Sure.

Thanks, Bunny.

Okay. If anybody asks for you, just say you're all set up.

You're incorrigible.

Have you finished typing our letters to the members?

No, sir.

Well, did you at least return Mr. Leindecker's call?

No, sir. Well, what about my flowcharts for the reorganizational meeting on

Monday? No, sir, I didn't... Time?

You've been a bad girl, Gloria.

You'll have to be punished.

Yes, sir.

Oh, no

Is Mr. Gilbert in?

No, he's still just warming up.

He's what?

Never mind.

Where's Gloria?

She's in conference at the moment.

Oh, it's okay. Look, we're just going to go in there. Look, you just tell them

that Duke Fowler is here to see him, okay?

Wait, you can't go in there. Oh, that's okay. Look, we used to bowl together.

I got you back, huh?

I'm working at fucking Char Women.

Jumping in holiday, I never thought I'd hear them words come out of your mouth.

After what's been going on in my concept today, what do you care what's coming

out of my mouth?

Well, it's work, ain't it?

Cleaning up after a bunch of fat old women at a health club.

You call this work?

What the hell did you drag me to this suck -ass town in New York for anyway? I

thought we were going to be high -fashion moms or something.

Like you said, when we were little kids, that's what you wanted to do.

I can't be a model. You have to go to school or something for it. Sure, we're

going to get a lot of training here. All you want to do is get lame on that

Steve Woodson thing. That's all you care about.

Joni Ann, honestly.

Don't give me that Joni Ann shit. You're just a whore and a bitch like everybody

else. Am not.

Anyway, we're the only ones here.

Besides, this is the women's shower room, and we are all women here.

Do you come here often?

No, but I just might start to speak to the bars.

Say, you know, you've got nice tits, honey.

Small but nice.

Do you ever make it with a woman?

You don't be here on the bus, either, do you? There'll be plenty of time for

that later, if that's what you're into.

Fucking, sucking, threesome, foursome, gaysome.

Short of whips and chains or fucking dogs, there wasn't much the girls hadn't

tried. By now, they were ready for just about anything. And anything was ready

and waiting for them.

Lots of people do. You did too, didn't you?

First time I came in here, you thought I was, you know, one of them, didn't you?

Well, that's okay. We're like interior decorators. I mean, lots of male miles

are. You know, it's a common mistake. I have to deal with it all the time.

But I like to work. The money's good.

I've got a good body, a good -looking face, so why not make some money off it?

Look, it's better than being a writer, you know? And even as a writer, I had

that same problem, too.

People thought I was, you know, even then.

At least as a model, I've come to expect it.

And even with it, you know, people treat me better as a model.

Like when I was a writer, I once wrote this screenplay. This porn producer had

the money for a straight film. It was going to star David Bowie.

So I wrote this cute story.

David Bowie is the leader of a homosexual alien race that comes to

poses as a street gang and spends the rest of the picture stabbing each other.

Cute story, right?

I called it Gay Blades, so my friends read it, and they said it would go right

over this producer's head. They had about as much sophistication as a

Kool -Aid.

And at any rate, he read it, and from the subject matter, he thought I was,

know, too.

So the first thing he does is he changes the title to Killer Homos from Outer

Space. And right then and there, I knew that everything I'd hear about the guy

was true.

What a stupid way to make a living.

Well, I mean, we're making some money on our own. I mean, as much as we like

Duke and Travis, we're making money on our own. We can get a place to stay now.

Don't go making any fast plans, sister. Not unless you want to stay here for the

rest of your lives. You know, this isn't exactly high fashion.

You haven't given up on that modeling shit, have you? Of course not. But, I

mean, you must like sleeping with Duke and Travis an awful lot.

Fuck off.

Well, I don't want to seem too ungrateful. I mean, you did get us the

It's our favor.

Oh, excuse me. I've got to go to the little girl's room.

Hey, fool, where are you going? That's the men's locker room.

So I like modeling better.

I'm done.

Oh, I'm so relaxed.

I think I'll just lie here a while.

but aren't you a girl?

Uh, yeah, that's okay. You've got a towel on.

Oh, that's a good body. I don't mind. What do you want?

Shoot. Didn't you say you were a male model?

Yes, but I'm not, uh... Yeah, I know, but that doesn't make any difference.

Uh, how'd you get to be a model?

Gene, where are you?

So you want a model, huh?

You've come to the right guy, honey.

See, I can get you started.

How's that?

Come with me to a shoot later this week.

Thursday. I'll introduce you to the photographer and everything.

And if he likes you, maybe he'll use you.

If you got what it takes.

Oh, yeah, what's that?

Well, how well do you give head?

I beg your pardon?

Give head. You know, suck cock.

Cop a joint.

Blow.

Job. Oh, that.

Well, there's this boy that I used to go with, and he said I did it to him

better that way than, you know, the...

But do you have to do that to be a good model?

Well, not me. I'm not, you know.

But most of the girls, sure, that's how they get jobs. Blowing photographers.

Why do you think they have such high cheekbones?

That's a joke.

Oh, forget it.

Well? Well what?

Why don't you... Do I have to spell it out?

How am I supposed to know if you have what it takes?

I'm looking for someone. She's lost. She's new here. It's my identical twin

sister. Have you seen her?

Well, what does she look like?

is up to do this?

Positive. All of them.

Well, I don't want to be just any old model. I want to be an industrial thief.

So?

So?

I'll show you I've got more than what it takes.

It's a fashion layout. Ever hear of BAM Magazine?

It's a work clothes layout for them.

We're shooting at Saw Focus Lens Studio.

I'll give you the address. Meet me there Thursday at 3.

Am I twin sister Joan, too? Sure. Bring your twin sister, too. If it acts like

that, great. Fantastic.

Good. The twins were nothing if not fortunate.

Of course, a newfound willingness to fuck at the drop of a zipper hastened

progress. They'd been in the city less than a week and already it seemed as if

they were on their way to a lucrative career.

It was only one problem.

They still weren't making enough to afford a place of their own. We can't

on the money we're making here.

But you can't demand a raise after four days on a job. It just isn't done.

Look, you two.

I took you on as a favor to Duke.

I created two jobs out of whole cloth for you.

Positions you don't even feel well, I might add.

Well, maybe there's something else.

Some other thing we're better at.

You're fired. Get out. Get out of here.

I don't want to see you when I get out of this pool. Understood?

Well, here's another fine mess you got us into.

Now what are we going to do?

Well, I don't know. I hope the modeling guy's serious about introducing us to

relatives out for just free pussy.

Free pussy.

I've got an idea. I think we can get our jobs done for Mr. Gilbert.

Come on, get out of those clothes.

What the hell are you doing?

Come on, just get out of the clothes.

you think you're doing? Oh, hi there.

6 .30, asshole.

Were you or weren't you going to meet me at La Pavilion at 5?

Oh, shit, honey.

I'm sorry. I completely forgot.

I had so much work on my desk today, I... Bullshit.

I know why you forgot.

You were too busy with your 5 o 'clock session with Miss Restraining's draft

1978 to think about your wife.

Hey, I thought we had an understanding.

And we do.

I'm not going to let you come at me with the prop list for the story about...

If you have to have that, if that's what gets you off, well, then you can tie up

that little dipshit secretary of yours and fuck her till the gangrene sets in

for all I care.

Oh, but Julia, darling.

If I am going to be that tolerant of your kinks, the least you could do in

return is put away those rubber corsets once in a while and give me a little

attention instead of making me sit alone for an hour at a table by the door, no

less.

I came here thinking something happened to you, and what do I find?

Mark Spitz.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I forgot.

Anyway, they're leather corsets.

What?

Leather corsets, not rubber.

Leather. Oh, fuck you.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Forgiven? Maybe.

Only maybe.

You looked so funny when I pushed you in.

You should have seen your face when your dress ripped.

Good dress, too.

Oh, I don't know.

I think it looks much nicer now.

Much nicer.

Come on.

Why don't we go dry off and have some fun?

Bye. Bye.

fucking the boss, the twins got their jobs back at double the previous salary.

They agreed to throw in a little overtime, too, with Julia's consent,

seems the girls agreed that they could get into being tied up at the office, or

at least trying it out.

It's a good thing they did, too. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able

move. And if they hadn't been able to move, they wouldn't have run into Holly

the street the following day.

Joan! Jean!

Holly! What are you doing here?

Uh, I'm on vacation. I just stopped in the New York... see some friends before

go to Europe tomorrow.

You know, your uncle's looking for you. You're kidding.

He hired a private detective to try to find you. He doesn't want you to know

he's looking for you. You ain't got to tell me sauce, are you? No, are you

kidding me?

Would I be telling you this now if I was going to tell him? Well, anyway, I've

got to get going to my hotel now. See you later.

Well, Holly, wait. Why don't you stay with us?

I don't know.

we'll probably be moving out tonight anyway.

Well, it really ain't our place to stay, Gene.

I'm sure Duke and Travis will like Holly.

Hi. Speak of the devil.

Duke Fowler, Holly Noly.

Well, hello.

Hello, yourself.

Hey, safe for dinner? I make the best fondue in town.

I actually do.

Holly wants more than... Hey, you must be awfully hungry.

Tell me, how was your ride in here?

What did you know?

Oh, I was once new in town myself.

You're a really cute guy.

I? You don't know the half of it.

Yes, things would have worked out very different if it hadn't been for Holly.

Jesus Christ, I feel like a G .I. Joe doll.

Well, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. I mean, your joint's certainly stiff

enough. You want a fork?

I beg your pardon?

You know I gave all that up.

I'm so straight now, I even drink orange juice. The pitchfork.

But look at the way you're sitting on it. My goodness, I exist normally.

Christ, Duncan, you can be such a bore sometimes.

I like that. I'm a bore.

You'll never get to Atlantic City, Mary.

For what I'm paying you, I mean, you could make an effort to rouse yourself

Catatonia. This what you're looking for? Oh, yeah. Oh, thank you.

Oh, whoa. Sit me down, big fella.

Oh, I would like to see the farmer in this ad as opposed to Roberto Rigamortis

over here. Duncan, you promised.

Oh, hush up, Donnie.

You'll get paid. We'll make you the scarecrow.

Sorry, Mr. Upstop. I have to leave soon. I just came to watch my friend. Oh,

whatever's fair.

Okay, what's the waiting order?

Oh, not yet, not yet.

Actors, actors.

Haven't you ever modeled for print work before?

No. Well, you're not in this one. You're in the, uh, cattle baron layout.

Cattle baron? I look more like a steer.

Oh, long -horned at that.

Oh, my.

Who's that flammer?

Oh, that's Duncan, uh, Epstaff. He's the famous photographer.

Well, I gathered he wasn't a plumber.

A rote -a -rooter man, maybe, but... Well, Don hasn't introduced us yet, but

sure we'll all love each other. Well, we'll be good friends anyway.

Oh, he's not really a... It's just his image.

Oh, shit!

And double shit! I forgot the naked lady.

The what?

The naked lady, stupid!

I mean, you can't shoot a spread for one of these butch mags, fashion or

otherwise, without a naked lady.

What about my friends?

Oh. Oh.

It's a strip -a -boo civil play.

Oh, Mr.

Astor, thank you. Our big chance.

What have I done?

Mon dieu.

Okay, come on, girls.

Oh, come on, darling.

Stand up, will you?

Breaking and bailing is supposed to be functioning.

Now, come on, girls. Lie down either side of him. Oh, chicks and ass fits and

ass. That's it. Put your hands on his thighs.

Grope him. Just make like it's another roll in the hay, which is incidentally

what you're bailing, Donnie. Keep groping him, girls. That's it. Oh, oh.

Lovely, lovely.

Oh, wonderful.

Now, come on. Take the shirt off, Donnie. Off. Take the whole thing off.

marvelous. Just throw it down there. That's beautiful.

Go ahead.

Continue bailing.

I want to feel the testosterone in the air.

Okay, okay.

Beautiful. Oh, hang loose, my kindreds. Reload time.

Uh, you can let go now.

Oh, Don, thank you for giving us a chance and for traveling too.

All right. Oh, my heavens.

What is this?

I know what this is.

Come on, now. Boys and girls, play nice.

Stop it now. We have work to do.

Stop it.

Oh.

Well,

the rent doesn't pay me what I'm worth anyway.

Oh, my first organ.

We had so much fun.

Oh, listen, don't run away. Don't run away now.

Oh, no, the fun's just starting. None of this fabulous swing club, the Wall

Street area midnight interlude.

Oh, but there's four of us boys and only two girls.

Oh, never mind.

I know the owner. We'll all get in anyway.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Finally, I followed the girl to Midnight Interlude.

I had spent the previous day doing some talking to Holly, and I decided that I

was not going to tell Holiday where his nieces were.

But not only that... I was going to make myself a very rich man to boot.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The note said that I'd broken into their apartment and stolen something.

If they wanted to claim it, they'd have come here to my apartment tonight.

So now I'm a candidate for a breaking and entering rap.

Shit, I'm in deeper than that. Ah, what the hell.

So to conclude, Mr. Halliday, your nieces are leading a quiet, uneventful

here in Manhattan.

Not much different from the way Mrs. Halliday raised them, and from what you

told me is true.

The spending patterns indicate...

No substantial income, no bank account, and no assets of any kind from what I

can determine.

It surely leads me to conclude that they are not the guilty party in the

embezzlement.

And a personal observation, Mr. Halliday, I don't think your nieces are

enough to rip off $150 ,000.

Enclosed is my bill and expense account.

I'm here with yours, Beau Murdoch, for the Murdoch Detective Agency.

Come on in.

Can I get you something?

Cut the crap. Who are you, and what did you take from our apartment?

My name's Bo Murdock. I'm a private detective, and your uncle hired me to

you and your sister. You must have been spying on us, peeping on us, and must

have seen everything.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.

It's just a job.

Then you ought to know we like it here, and we're not about to go back to

Flummox. I think your uncle will accept that, but that's not why I contacted

you.

Ordinarily, I would have tailed you and filed a report.

You would have never known I was checking up on you, much less ever

I thought that was pretty strange.

Well, it's the business of the missing money. What money?

$150 ,000 stolen from your uncle's safe right after you disappeared.

We didn't. I know. That's why I asked you here. Have you been home yet? We

been home for about two days.

And you don't know that this is missing.

Our suitcase?

What are you doing with our suitcase? And all our clothes, for Christ's sake.

Clothes? Take a look.

Money?

Uncle Hugh's money?

Well, about 130 ,000 of it. I had to give Holly 20 grand.

Holly?

Please, sit down. Let me explain.

This is Holly's suitcase.

She had it with her when she arrived.

You didn't realize it, but you switched suitcases on her when you moved out of

Duke's apartment.

You mean with Holly?

Exactly. After you left Flummox, she thought it would be a perfect time to

her hand into the till, figuring you'd be blamed.

Her vacation to Europe was going to be permanent.

What's going to happen to her? I caught up to her just about the time she was

going to open what she thought was her suitcase.

She found three baby doll pajamas, a teddy bear, and a collection of Waylon

Jennings albums.

I promised her 20 grand if she'd get on that plane to France and keep her mouth

shut.

And she just did it? She had no choice.

I knew she'd rip your uncle off, and I could have blown the whistle on her.

But now they'll never believe that we didn't do it.

Now if we return it, we'll be arrested because you, you stupid shit, gave her

$20 ,000.

But... 130 grand can buy an awful lot of dissidents from Fleming, Texas.

What do you want out of this?

A piece of the action.

A cat?

All we want is a piece of the action. And believe me, you'll enjoy it. We

guarantee it. We?

Me and my partner. You haven't met him yet. My partner is my brother, Joe

Murdock.

Hi.

Interested?

Identical, just like us.

Right. They're kind of cute, aren't they?

Fellas, we've just met our match.

Girl, you don't know the half of it.