Original subtitles

Barney: ♪ Keep your sunny side up

Hey, Barney.

Hey. Hey, Arch.

Hey, I'm glad I caught you, kid.

Listen, this is your lucky day.

I'm gonna make you rich.

- Could you make me rich tonight? - I'm a little late for work.

No, wait a minute. Cut that out a minute.

- Come here, sit down. - All right.

I wanna talk to you.

When you hear the offer I'm gonna make you

you'll wanna kiss your job goodbye.

What the hell are you doing? Drinking beer for breakfast?

Uh-hmm.

Coffee keeps me awake on the job.

What's on your mind?

Barney,

I want you to take Harry's place at the bar,

I want you to be my partner.

Why me?

Because I need a partner.

I don't want some creep

I don't know, I want you.

Ha! I'm very flattered, Arch.

But I think you better call somebody else.

I already called everybody else.

Come in with me, Barney.

A half interest will only cost you 24 thou.

Hey, that sounds like a pretty good deal.

Yeah!

But I don't think I have quite that much

in my savings and checking account.

Well, how much you got, kid?

A hundred and twelve dollars.

What the hell did you do

with all your money?

I've told you a hundred times...

- Blanche blew it. - Blanche blew it.

You know that.

- But wait a minute. - Wait a minute.

All ain't lost, Barney.

Why don't you just mortgage this dump?

- What? - -Your home, beautiful home.

No, it's a dump,

but Blanche loves it.

If Blanche loves it so much,

why the hell does she always run away from it?

Because she loves the TV repairman more.

Look out.

Put that out of your mind, huh, Barney?

All we could do now

is wish them both well.

I do,

I do.

I just wish he'd straightened out the TV picture

before they left.

Oh, God, didn't he even do that for you?

No.

And now every time I see a horizontal roll,

I think of Blanche.

Barney, come on, please,

I ain't got no time here.

Give me an answer.

No. And that's final.

- What kind of a pal are you? - Hmm.

And I thought you and me was tight.

I thought we was close

like Abercrombie and Fritz or...

Come on, Arch.

- Don't be sore. - Oh, gee.

Hey, how about some bacon and beer, huh?

Oh, God.

Yeah, give me some.

There you go, pal.

Help yourself.

There you go.

I'm gonna give you the recipe for this.

It's very good.

Goodbye, Tante Gussie.

And goodbye, my mama.

- Where are you running? - I got an appointment, Ma.

Did I hear you packing a bag inside, huh?

No, no, no, nothing.

- I'm not leaving. - You're not leaving?

- No. - Good. Come, sit down.

All right.

Just a minute.

Oh.

No, I'm not leaving today.

The painters are leaving my house Tuesday.

Did I hear you looking for something inside?

Yes, and I found it.

Stamps?

No, Mama.

- Check? - No, Mama.

- Cash? - No.

Your bankbook, huh?

Mama, I am about to make

a big move.

Don't get married.

No, no, no, not that.

I am going back into business.

- Thanks God. - Uh-hmm.

What kind of business?

Well,

Mama,

you remember when I was a little kid, don't you?

Hmm? Remember when I gave up that paper route

and I went out onto the beach

and I was selling

fudgesicles and popsicles

and Dixie Cups, you know,

- you remember that? - Uh-hmm.

I used to like to be around people, you know,

made them happy, made me happy.

I just loved selling that ice cream.

You're gonna sell ice cream again?

No, Mama.

Booze.

Booze?

- I heard that. - Tante Gussie,

now, don't you think that's a good idea?

Booze?

Easy...

it's just a neighborhood bar and grill.

We're gonna have a nice little restaurant.

Booze?

Booze is for bums.

What are you talking about?

There was always booze in this house.

Don't you talk about your father like that.

Your father, God bless him,

he had an enlarged heart.

My father, God bless him,

had a five-foot liver.

Mama, this is gonna be a wonderful business,

and the best part is that

I can walk to work from my house.

You hear? I can walk.

I taught him to walk.

He's telling me he can walk.

I heard that.

I heard that.

You can also walk to the river.

Do you have to jump in?

Mama, a man is waiting for me.

Bye-bye.

Is that the way

for a son to leave a mother?

Ma.

Tante Gussie is a stranger?

Tante.

Goodbye, girls. I don't wanna be late for this appointment.

Don't wait up for me, Ma, okay?

Okay, okay,

so the outside could stand a little paint,

otherwise, the joint looks in pretty good shape.

Levy, come here.

Over there

is where Bunker wants a breakthrough

- for the new restaurant. - Uh-huh.

- Hiya, gents. - Ah, how are you?

I still don't understand

why you're giving up such a good thing.

Because I don't know food,

I know booze.

So what's the big difference?

Did you ever try ordering a turkey sandwich?

Sit down, Levy.

No point delaying this.

If Harry's ready to sign,

I am ready to pay.

- I'm ready to sign. - Good.

Just show me where.

I had to be perfectly honest with this man, Harry.

I told him Bunker's

a very hard man to get along with.

Listen, I get along with everybody.

You wouldn't believe my last partner.

He though that Nixon should still be president.

After a guy like that,

Archie Bunker's got to be a breath of fresh air.

If not fresh,

at least familiar.

Sign?

And, Harry,

here's the check.

Twenty-four thousand bucks, huh?

Hey.

Drinks for everybody.

- Man 1: Yay. - Man 2: Hey.

- Ho-ho. - Congratulations.

Well, Klein, what can I say, but mazel tov.

Come on, have a drink with us.

No, not just now, thanks.

I left a client on hold.

Oh.

- Thank you. - Goodbye, Klein.

So long Harry, good luck.

Hey, goodbye, Mr. Levy, thanks.

And here's a nice little martini for you, Mr. Klein.

- Thank you. - Well, here's good luck.

Well, cheers to our future, huh?

Here's looking at you.

Mmm...

Harry, you know that you are

the finest bartender in Queens.

I try.

You know, I think that you ought to stay on

and work for us.

Sorry, Mr. Klein,

there's nothing in this world could keep me from retiring,

nothing.

How much salary did you take for yourself?

Tips aside, I took 200 a week.

You got three.

I just came back out of retirement.

Well, I'm here to tell you

that after the events of today,

I can only call myself a dope,

a real dope.

- Yeah. - Hey! Hey!

Shut up.

Instead of cultivating

the finer people in this world,

I spent my whole life

surrounding myself

with dead beats.

Oh, I don't mean you, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Listen,

is there any money in your family?

Was.

I drank it.

Look at you,

dirty ashtrays on the bar,

puddles all over here,

and you stand there

chewing the fat

with Rocky III here.

I wasn't chewing the fat.

I was conducting some business.

Archie: Ah!

Harry: This here gentleman

is your new partner.

My what?

He just bought my half of the business.

Klein,

Murray Klein.

Well, this here is worser

than Pearl Harbor.

This, Harry, is a day

that will live

in infancy.

I said the name is Klein.

Oh, I'll get to you in a minute.

Selling out to this guy

behind me behind my back.

What a lousy trick to pull on me.

If you think I pulled a lousy trick on you,

think of what I'd done to him.

Yeah.

Drink your drink there

and converse amongst yourself.

All right now, we better just

sit down and straighten this whole thing out, Cone.

Klein.

Whatever.

- Partners? - Yes, partners.

But what the hell do you know

about running a saloon?

- It's a business. - I can handle it.

But you don't know nothing about it.

You don't know the kind of work we do here.

Why, the hours alone there could wreck a marriage.

I'm not married.

Oh, you're not married.

Not anymore and never again.

Oh, well, do you...

Are you living with somebody?

Right now with my mother and my aunt.

Ah, whoop-de-do.

You got a girlfriend?

No.

But now, uh,

not that it matters to me, you know.

I'm one of them

live and let live guys,

but would you,

by any chance,

be a fag?

Would you believe a simple no?

That wasn't no simple no.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

How?

Kiss me.

If I like it, you have your answer.

If you like it, I know why you asked.

What the hell are you still doing here?

Shouldn't you be checking in

on some unemployment line?

I'm staying on as bartender.

Who says so?

Your new partner.

You took him on without consulting with me?

Harry's got a big following.

Do you feel crowded in here?

Archie, I have seen this place at nights,

I've seen it on weekends.

Harry is good.

And if the restaurant is good,

we'll be crowded all the time.

I got to get some bottles, Arch.

Would you hop behind the bar?

Why don't you hop behind a nervous horse?

Don't be telling me what to do.

I'm a boss, you're a worker.

What do you want from in there?

Two rye, two vodka.

Well then I'll get it for you

and you get back where you belong.

Now, I ain't got no time to... What do you call it...

Bandage words with you

because I got my work to do.

- Now what do you want in here? - I wanna see the stock.

You stay the hell away from the stock.

Now, listen partner, half of it's mine.

You ain't my partner.

I'm afraid I am.

And I've got some paper right here to prove it.

Paper don't make a partnership,

a partner's in here.

Well, why don't you start using what's in there?

Listen to me, Bunker,

I'm the only one who believes in you.

I am the only one

who wants to do what you wanna do.

I am the only one

who is willing to bet his bankroll on you.

Now you need me.

You need me, Bunker.

Without me, you're nothing.

You'll never have a restaurant,

you'll never be able to get one.

And if you don't see that, brother,

you are one prize-winning meathead.

Where did you ever hear that word?

It's what my old man used to call me when I didn't make any sense.

Sit down, will you, huh?

Just a minute here.

Now what?

Well,

okay.

Maybe to you,

I seem like...

a meathead,

but I think I make sense.

Now...

I don't want you for a partner.

But what's more important,

you ain't never gonna want me for a partner.

What are you talking about?

I'm only trying to tell you,

you heard what Harry said out there.

I, uh,

I seem to bother people.

Oh. I haven't noticed.

Well,

neither have I, but that's what people tell me

so there must be a little truth in it.

All right. How?

Well, it's other people, Murray.

See,

they... they're doing the wrong things

or they're thinking the wrong things,

and I try to straighten them out

and that bothers them.

Wouldn't bother me.

Oh, oh, Murray, jeez, in your case,

it'd be much worse than them because you're Jewish.

- Ah. - -Don't go reaching for the Golden Gloves again.

I'm only trying to say that,

that you'd go nuts with me

because you could never learn nothing from me.

And if I try to straighten you out

on any of the major problems of life,

I mean, we are so different

you probably wouldn't know

what I was talking about.

And I know that I wouldn't know

what I was talking about.

Hmm.

But that's the way

it's always been

down through the ages, you see?

As between Gentile and Jew...

Uh... Jew and...

Whatever, you know what I mean.

Yeah.

I just mean it's always been...

some guy like me...

making no sense at all

to a guy like you.

Sad history.

Oh, very sad, but very true.

And that's why even today everywhere,

you see Jews

walking away from Gentiles,

and shaking their heads,

looking sad,

saying, "Oy vey ist mir."

That means,

"What the hell did I just hear?"

But you know that.

So...

so what you're saying

is that we don't have a chance, right?

Oh, a Jew and a Gentile

ain't got a Chinaman's chance.

Oh, thanks.

I know, believe me.

I know there's a wall between us.

I'm not saying that we put it there,

but you don't think...

that between us we should try to knock it down?

I don't know, Murray.

I can't... I can't...

I can't do it.

I mean, it's... that there is...

That's work for the angels.

And there ain't no more

angels down here.

Hmm.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll try to get ahold of Levy

and work out a deal for us, okay?

I guess there must be some way that you can,

you know, buy me out.

Oh, oh, jeez, Murray, I hope so.

I hope so.

Yeah, you asked me if we could work on that,

and, oh, jeez,

look at this over here behind you,

will you look at this?

Now, hey, there's Harry for you, huh?

There's the guy that you hired back for me, see?

This is his job, take all these empties down to the alley

and put it way out there by the street, you know?

- He does nothing. - He leaves me to do the whole thing.

Come on, I'll give you a hand.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Hey, no, no.

You don't touch that.

Hey, you ain't a partner.

This here is my work.

Why don't you call Levy right now

on the phone there, Murray, huh?

You go call him, right from there.

Do that.

Huh.

Oh. Hey.

Little girl.

It's a saloon. No minors allowed.

- I'm not a minor. - I'm Archie Bunker's niece.

Oh.

He just stepped outside. He'll be right back.

Just tell him I got the skates.

- Aunt Edith bought them. - Okay, I'll tell him.

Tell him they were $80.

Eighty dollars for roller skates?

- It's okay. - We charged them. Bye.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Now, let me ask you something.

That.

Why are you wearing the Star of David?

I'm Jewish.

You are his niece?

It's a long story.

But you know what he had to do?

Join the temple so I could go to Sunday school.

He's still steaming about that

because it costs a lot more than roller skates.

Did he buy you that?

Sure.

Well, I've got one, too.

There it is.

I bet he didn't buy you yours.

No, I got that from my grandmother a long time ago.

- It's pretty. - Uh-hmm.

- I got to go. - Tell uncle Archie I couldn't wait.

Okay. Listen, hey, come here.

Roll back.

- What's your name? - Stephanie. What's yours?

Murray.

I'm Archie's new partner.

Uh-oh.

What do you mean?

I can give you some good advice.

I'm ready.

Don't ever show him your star.

Bye.

Jeez, my back is broke carrying that box.

Did you call up Levy?

- Yeah. - Oh, jeez, he put you on hold?

- Oh, no. - We had a nice talk.

- Yeah? - Well, what'd he say?

Well, he said he'd be able to work something out, you know.

Take a little while to draw up a note

for the time, terms,

you know, things like that.

Oh, yeah. But the sooner the better, huh?

- Sooner the better. - Yeah.

Well, I got to heft out the other box here, huh?

Well, look, let me give you a hand as long as I'm not busy.

Take Levy a little time to fix up some papers there,

might as well make myself useful.

Oh, what do you mean by that?

Well, I'm a partner until I'm not a partner.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it just a minute.

Uh, you're, uh, um, uh...

- No, no, no, no. - No, no.

Let's just put it this way, huh?

Until you ain't a partner,

you're only a partner.

Fine.

Well, in that case you can help me out.

- Grab one end there. - There you go.

This is the best thing, Murray, because you and me,

we couldn't be friends in a million years, you know?

Murray: Oh, two million.

- Archie: Oh, a billion. -Murray: Yeah. Split the difference.

Archie: We'll split the difference then.

Two and a half million, huh?

Easy, Murray, don't drive me into the wall, huh?

Murray: Watch out for the cat. Oh!

Archie: What cat? -

Archie: Ohh! -