Original subtitles

- Oh! What's the matter, my girl?

You've hardly touched your seagull soup.

- I'm not hungry.

- But it's your favourite.

- Just not feeling it today.

- This isn't about that

rotten Bittern girl, is it?

You should be happy that she's gone.

Bitterns and Butterns aren't meant to be together.

- I thought I was over her, but...

- Tell me.

(cutlery clanks)

Fuck.

Is that a white girl?

- It's fine. I'm fine.

Look, I'm eating.

See?

(laughing)

Oh... Where are you...

Sorry, feather. Where are you going?

- Put my seagull soup in the fridge.

I'm going to paddle to Grouse Lake.

- Why?

- Revenge.

♪ 'Cause I can love you baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪♪

(Roger speaking)

And we're debating a hot button issue.

Does the park have too many benches,

or do we have the right amount of outdoor seating?

Let's go to the phone lines.

Anyone?

Anyone?

Do we have too many benches?

I'm waiting for your calls.

Yes or no?

You all know my stance, I'm against them.

While you gather your thoughts,

here's Johnny Longback

and the No Jeet Band with the Poop Chute Shuffle.

(music playing)

It's like nobody's listening!

(gunfire)

(gasps)

- B'eb! PJ just got

his first head shot kill!

- What did I tell you about

playing first-person shooters with PJ?

- That we shouldn't.

- But you're doing it.

- Yeah!

What the heck? Bad, PJ, bad!

(crying)

(man): Bitterns!

- Who's you?

- I know you mascootch'es are in there.

- It's just a Buttern. Don't let him in!

- Come out and finish me!

(Rose): He must be mad about Chickadee.

- Why? Because she's dating a mooniya-kwe?

- You think he's mad about that?

- Look at her! Look!

You wilted my flower!

Come out and fight me!

- Ah...

He'll go away.

- She left her for a white girl!

(spits)

(Ernie crying)

I won't forget this!

(chuckling) - See? He's already gone.

(ominous music) - Bittern!

I want you!

- What did I do?

- My name is Ernie Buttern.

Your niece broke my daughter's heart.

Prepare to die.

- I gave you your change, man.

- Then where is it, bro? - I put it in your hand.

- Or did you?

Mindblower!

(laughing)

- Alright, bro, that's the fifth time

you've done that today.

- I will be out of your hair

soon enough, Dean. Um, speaking of hair,

why don't you check under your hat?

Mind-- (startled shout)

That was supposed to fly away.

Uh, that was a...

How are things with Cousin Leon?

- Ah, he's working out, man.

I boss him around, pay him nothing,

and I make him work weekends.

And I stole Gale from him. Our brotherhood is solid.

- Just need a signature, boss.

- Yeah, man

- And he calls me the boss.

- Do you know what you signed there, Dean?

- If I had a nickel for everything I didn't know

I signed,

I would have...

seven nickles? - Oh boy...

- You Bitterns took my daughter's heart.

So I want to take something of yours...

- You're not getting my leftover pizza, buddy.

- Oh, I want more than that.

I want Bittern blood!

A fight to the death!

- Really?

- Okay, not to the death.

Okay, I just watch a lot of TV.

- I'm not gonna fight you, man!

I'm a dad now! I'm what they call a "role model".

- I knew you were a mascootch,

but I didn't know you were a coward!

- Ha, jokes on you!

Everybody knows I'm a coward! (chuckling)

(hand thuds) - Fine!

We'll settle this the traditional way.

The way of our ancestors.

- Staring contest. - No.

High stakes cribbage.

- You're on!

(glass squeaking)

- Hilda,

no one's listening to my show

and I demand Chief and Council do something about it.

Hilda?

- Oh. Sorry, what? True crime podcast.

- Hilda! Nobody is listening to my show!

- Well, what do you want me to do?

Get Deedee to pass a law forcing everyone

to listen to your damn show?

- You can do that?

- Face it, Roger.

No one wants the radio.

It's all podcasts.

- The hell is a podcast?

- It's like TV for your ears.

I'm listening to one now. It's about crimes.

And they're true.

- Well, who wants to hear that?

- Everyone does!

- What's this for?

- Happy retirement. Radio's dead, bro.

(groans)

(chuckles) - Are you sure

you're ready for this, guy?

- Well, I wanted Bittern blood, but this will have to do.

- I probably shouldn't tell you this now, Ernie,

but I'm a cribbage champion.

- Oh, is that a fact?

- Yeah. I've been playing Stephen Harper for years

and I haven't lost once.

- That's technically true. Yes.

- Well, then, you care to make it interesting?

- When I win, I get your canoe.

The real prize is watching your sorry ass

swim across the river. (chuckles)

- When I win,

I'm gonna take something close to your heart.

- You leave my leftover pizza alone!

- I don't want your pizza.

I want your lodge.

- Haha! Deal.

- Not the lodge!

- That's crazy!

- Get over here! - Paul, about that...

- Shut up, Stephen Harper.

I'm about to skunk this Buttern's butt.

- Um, the reason why you beat me so many times

is because... I let you.

(Paul): What? (Rose): What?!

- And now I suppose you're gonna tell me

you let me beat you at those staring contests too!

- Enough!

It's time for some cribbage.

(tense music)

(Greg whistling)

- I'll take that!

- Hey! Give that back.

- No, Dean, this is a deed

and your signature's all over it.

- What?!

...is a deed?

- It means we own the store now.

(Greg): Yeah. - Who's we, man?

- Oh, um...

Oh no...

Oh--

(tense percussive music)

- Gregory.

I am your father.

- Nooo!

Oh, wait, I knew that already.

- Yeah, I knew that too, man. - Yeah.

- Did you know that? - We all knew this.

(Greg): Yeah.

(acoustic guitar music)

- Does Paul even know what he's doing?

(Paul): Come on, man, hurry up! Be faster!

(Rose): It's like he's just doing races with the pegs.

- And he's still losing that.

- One-twenty-one! Skunked!

(laughing)

Your lodge is mine!

(laughing)

- Lips, I need your help!

- Come on, I'm training.

- I'm looking for some crime, preferably true.

- What for?

- I'm starting a podcast,

except on the radio.

Which is way different.

- You're in the right place.

If it's not here, it doesn't exist.

Uh, I have some false crime, if you wanna see that?

- Dammit!

- Don't worry,

true crime is everywhere. You just gotta look.

- Then let's go.

(light music)

- I thought we were bros, bro.

- We were bros, bro.

- Aw, you're mad because I take big shits

in the break room and I told everyone it was you.

- Why would you do that?

- 'Cause I don't want everyone to think

I take big shits. Duh!

- I did this because of Gale.

- Ah, Gale!

(suspenseful music)

- And now Yeah Man, is No Man.

- Don't you have enough already?

- At first, I thought

this shack you call a store

wouldn't last.

Yet somehow, you've cut into my profits

and we just can't have that, can we?

- You won't get away with this, man!

- Oh yes, we will.

- You see, all I have to do

is take this deed into the city

and have it notarized at the Bank of McGuffin,

and the deal is done. Workers?

Give these trespassers the bum's rush.

- Oh... - Dean!

- Whoa! (Greg): Figuratively!

- What the fuck, man? - It's an expression!

(chuckling)

(laughing maniacally)

(sniffs)

- Oh...

I love the smell of fresh ink on a lodge deed.

Now...

get off my lawn.

(laughing)

(door slams)

ul. - What?! I'm not the one that made Chickadee

fall in love with a mooniya. I blame you!

- What did I do?

- Yeah! You're the one who wanted to live in the lodge,

and if we weren't living there, we wouldn't have lost the lodge!

- That was Bucket Head's idea and she belongs to Dean.

- What? How is this all my fault?

- Well, you did just sign every piece of paper

Cousin Leon put in front of you, so...

- Hey, man, your dad took the store.

- I blame Stephen Harper

for letting me win all those years!

- Well, I blame all of us for not making the most

of a bad situation. Maybe a song will cheer us up?

♪ The Bitterns on the Bus go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round-- ♪♪

(all shouting) - Shut up, Stephen Harper.

(overlapping shouting)

- We can't just sit here and stay down,

we gotta get up and fight!

- That's the spirit!

- Yeah Man is an idea,

and you can't kill ideas.

- Let's get back to business! (baby crying)

- Stephen Harper, come grab my kid!

- Ugh, there's an echo in here!

- Yeah, it's like we're stuffed inside of a speaker.

(baby crying) - Wait a minute.

Speaker?

(screaming over loudspeaker)

Good, good!

- Put it on full blast.

- Let's Manuel Noriega this clown.

(loud crying) - Good!

- I love the sound of Bittern tears!

You thought you could push me out with your CIA tricks.

- Give me back my pizza!

- And the lodge!

- And my bath robe, ho'leh!

- Oh...

Did you know, I pushed

all of your beds together

and made one giant bed,

and then I had the nakedest, sweatiest nap in it!

- You son of a bitch, that was supposed to be my dream!

- And now it's mine. Unless...

- Unless what?

- Unless you take me up

on my original offer,

fight me!

- I want my home back.

- Yeah, stop being such a momma's boy

and go punch out that coo-coosh!

(Stephen): Do it for the boy! - You too, Stephen Harper?

Oh, alright!

(breathing heavily)

I'll do it!

- Then you meet me...

at Fight Road.

(tense music)

- Ah, nuts.

They must know we're here for the contract.

- Let me look. - Yeah.

- Closed for reservations, hey?

Let's call ahead and book an ass whooping.

- It actually says renovations, but I'm in.

Follow my lead. - Okay, man.

(Greg clears throat)

(Greg whistling)

Uh, yoo-hoo!

- Ah-ah-ah-ah!

- Wait, wait. You see the coin, right?

Now look behind you.

Ab'bro'cadab'bro... bros.

(thuds)

- Two bros, one punch!

- Okay, let's drag them around the corner.

- Yeah. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- I thought you said there was true crime everywhere?

- There is. (sniffs)

I can smell it.

- Yeah, you said that already.

- There's crime everywhere,

all the time, at any given moment, and we'll find it.

- We better.

- This one's still moving.

(thudding, grunting)

(tense Western music)

(wind howling)

- I see you came alone.

- Yeah, duh...

- Just like a stupid Bittern.

(whistling)

- Hey, man. You lied!

- Oh!

Deed I?

(laughing)

- Wow, these guys really move fast.

- Yeah.

(gasps) There's the deed.

- It's just sitting there.

- That was ayii-easy. (chuckling)

Wait.

I've always wanted to do this.

- Dean... - Yeah!

(button): That was ayii-easy! (Dean giggles)

- There they are! - Seize them!

- Ah, man! - Yeah, okay.

(laughing maniacally)

(laughter trails off)

oming to help you, Bittern.

You're too greasy!

- Oh yeah, is that so?

You're damn right he's greasy,

but we love him.

- Who's we?

- We's, we.

- Is that it? A couple of Bitterns and a little rag-tag?

(chuckles)

- Well, who's fucked now?

- It's still you.

(whistling)

(gasps) (Paul): Iron Python?!

- I'm so mad right now!

- So I see you've leveled up.

Well, so did I.

(whistling)

- The Southside crazies.

- I'm so mad right now!

(tense music)

- Attack!

(all shouting)

(thudding, grunting)

- Muzzle magic boy. We can't afford any of his tricks.

- Okay!

- When we're done with this place,

strawberries are gonna be 18 dollars,

milk, 20,

and loosies...

40 dollars a cup.

- You son of a bitch! - Mm!

Leon, keep an eye on the kids while Daddy's away.

Hmm!

Tthese loosies aren't bad, actually.

- Leon.

I know I stole Gale from you,

and I...

committed horrible acts of toilet fraud, but...

- But what?

- But after all that,

we still bro'd down.

- I was faking it. (Greg and Dean gasp)

- You can fight it all you want, man,

but you can't fight the power of friendship.

Right, Greg? - Yeah, man.

- Let's fucking go, bro!

- Pinata time!

- Bro cousins. - Bro cousins.

Nothing's gonna come between us. - Yeah, man!

No!

- Now is not the time for friendship.

We have a store to crush.

(rock music)

(groaning)

(spits)

(shouting)

(Ernie laughing)

- PJ!

Drop the beat!

Drop this dead beat.

(zapping)

(squealing)

(shouting)

(shouting) - What the fuck?

Ah! That kid is crazy!

Let's get the fuck out of here!

Ah, they're all crazy!

Even the babies are crazy!

(laughing)

(cheering)

(chuckling) - Yay!

- I said we have a store to crush!

- Sorry, Monopoly Man,

but I ain't no button down...

- Yeah! - Woo!

- ...corn fed...

- Yes! - Yes!

- ...corporate sell-out, marshmallow motherfucker.

(Dean laughing)

- You're gonna regret this. I promise you.

Workers! Seize them all!

- Hey. Give my dad the bum's rush.

(laughing)

(William): Hey. What are you doing?

Oh no! This is coming off your pay!

Argh! Gregory... you're a bastard from a basket!

A bastard from a basket!

(all): We did it!

(laughing)

(crow cawing)

- Look at us.

A host with no show, and a cop with no crime.

- Sorry, Roger. I guess nothing happens in Grouse Lake.

- My show will bounce back, it always does.

- If it makes you feel any better,

I'm against park benches too. Can't stand those things.

- Someone was listening!

Ha!

Wanna head back and play some cribbage?

- Let's roll.

(sirens wailing)

- What's wrong, Agnes?

You've barely touched your pelican pie.

- Oh, I'm just feeling a little mockabee

since Chickadee is in Europe.

- Have you tried to get on Kook'r?

- Kook'r? What's that?

- It's the latest matchmaking app

for lonely Kookums who miss their granddaughter.

- I could use that!

- Just fill out a profile, upload a picture,

and then you'll be matched with eligible granddaughters

in your area.

(Agnes gasps) - I got one!

- Just click accept and welcome a new

member to the family.

- Yeah! (grunting)

But isn't this a real big choice to be making?

- With its easy to use features, you can cancel at any time.

- You see, Kook'r isn't for everyone,

especially Kookums who have very special boys

who need very special attention.

- Well, actually Paul-- - Shut up, Stephen Harper!

- Maybe Paul's right...

- Thanks, Ma.

For not upsetting the family dynamic.

- I love things just the way they are.

- Love you, Ma.

- Love you too, Paul!

(theme music)

Subtitling: difuze