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Zulu
-�Oh!�What's�the�matter, my�girl?
You've�hardly�touched your�seagull�soup.
-�I'm�not�hungry.
-�But�it's�your�favourite.
-�Just�not�feeling�it�today.
-�This�isn't�about�that
rotten�Bittern�girl,�is�it?
You�should�be�happy that�she's�gone.
Bitterns�and�Butterns aren't�meant�to�be�together.
-�I�thought�I�was�over�her, but...
-�Tell�me.
(cutlery�clanks)
Fuck.
Is�that�a�white�girl?
-�It's�fine.�I'm�fine.
Look,�I'm�eating.
See?
(laughing)
Oh...�Where�are�you...
Sorry,�feather. Where�are�you�going?
-�Put�my�seagull�soup in�the�fridge.
I'm�going to�paddle�to�Grouse�Lake.
-�Why?
-�Revenge.
?�'Cause�I�can�love�you�baby�?
?�All�night�long�??
(Roger�speaking)
And�we're�debating a�hot�button�issue.
Does�the�park�have too�many�benches,
or�do�we�have�the�right�amount of�outdoor�seating?
Let's�go�to�the�phone�lines.
Anyone?
Anyone?
Do�we�have�too�many�benches?
I'm�waiting�for�your�calls.
Yes�or�no?
You�all�know�my�stance, I'm�against�them.
While�you�gather�your�thoughts,
here's�Johnny�Longback
and�the�No�Jeet�Band with�the�Poop�Chute�Shuffle.
(music�playing)
It's�like�nobody's�listening!
(gunfire)
(gasps)
-�B'eb!�PJ�just�got
his�first�head�shot�kill!
-�What�did�I�tell�you�about
playing�first-person�shooters with�PJ?
-�That�we�shouldn't.
-�But�you're�doing�it.
-�Yeah!
What�the�heck? Bad,�PJ,�bad!
(crying)
(man):�Bitterns!
-�Who's�you?
-�I�know�you mascootch'es�are�in�there.
-�It's�just�a�Buttern. Don't�let�him�in!
-�Come�out�and�finish�me!
(Rose):�He�must�be mad�about�Chickadee.
-�Why?�Because�she's�dating a�mooniya-kwe?
-�You�think�he's�mad�about�that?
-�Look�at�her!�Look!
You�wilted�my�flower!
Come�out�and�fight�me!
-�Ah...
He'll�go�away.
-�She�left�her�for�a�white�girl!
(spits)
(Ernie�crying)
I�won't�forget�this!
(chuckling) -�See?�He's�already�gone.
(ominous�music) -�Bittern!
I�want�you!
-�What�did�I�do?
-�My�name�is�Ernie�Buttern.
Your�niece�broke my�daughter's�heart.
Prepare�to�die.
-�I�gave�you�your�change,�man.
-�Then�where�is�it,�bro? -�I�put�it�in�your�hand.
-�Or�did�you?
Mindblower!
(laughing)
-�Alright,�bro, that's�the�fifth�time
you've�done�that�today.
-�I�will�be�out�of�your�hair
soon�enough,�Dean. Um,�speaking�of�hair,
why�don't�you�check under�your�hat?
Mind- (startled�shout)
That�was�supposed�to�fly�away.
Uh,�that�was�a...
How�are�things�with Cousin�Leon?
-�Ah,�he's�working�out,�man.
I�boss�him�around, pay�him�nothing,
and�I�make�him�work�weekends.
And�I�stole�Gale�from�him. Our�brotherhood�is�solid.
-�Just�need�a�signature,�boss.
-�Yeah,�man
-�And�he�calls�me�the�boss.
-�Do�you�know�what you�signed�there,�Dean?
-�If�I�had�a�nickel for�everything�I�didn't�know
I�signed,
I�would�have...
seven�nickles? -�Oh�boy...
-�You�Bitterns�took my�daughter's�heart.
So�I�want�to�take something�of�yours...
-�You're�not�getting my�leftover�pizza,�buddy.
-�Oh,�I�want�more�than�that.
I�want�Bittern�blood!
A�fight�to�the�death!
-�Really?
-�Okay,�not�to�the�death.
Okay,�I�just�watch a�lot�of�TV.
-�I'm�not�gonna�fight�you,�man!
I'm�a�dad�now!�I'm�what they�call�a�"role�model".
-�I�knew�you�were�a�mascootch,
but�I�didn't�know you�were�a�coward!
-�Ha,�jokes�on�you!
Everybody�knows�I'm�a�coward! (chuckling)
(hand�thuds) -�Fine!
We'll�settle�this the�traditional�way.
The�way�of�our�ancestors.
-�Staring�contest. -�No.
High�stakes�cribbage.
-�You're�on!
(glass�squeaking)
-�Hilda,
no�one's�listening�to�my�show
and�I�demand�Chief�and�Council do�something�about�it.
Hilda?
-�Oh.�Sorry,�what? True�crime�podcast.
-�Hilda!�Nobody is�listening�to�my�show!
-�Well,�what�do�you�want�me to�do?
Get�Deedee�to�pass�a�law forcing�everyone
to�listen to�your�damn�show?
-�You�can�do�that?
-�Face�it,�Roger.
No�one�wants�the�radio.
It's�all�podcasts.
-�The�hell�is�a�podcast?
-�It's�like�TV�for�your�ears.
I'm�listening�to�one�now. It's�about�crimes.
And�they're�true.
-�Well,�who�wants�to�hear�that?
-�Everyone�does!
-�What's�this�for?
-�Happy�retirement. Radio's�dead,�bro.
(groans)
(chuckles) -�Are�you�sure
you're�ready�for�this,�guy?
-�Well,�I�wanted�Bittern�blood, but�this�will�have�to�do.
-�I�probably�shouldn't�tell�you this�now,�Ernie,
but�I'm�a�cribbage�champion.
-�Oh,�is�that�a�fact?
-�Yeah.�I've�been�playing Stephen�Harper�for�years
and�I�haven't�lost�once.
-�That's�technically�true.�Yes.
-�Well,�then,�you�care to�make�it�interesting?
-�When�I�win,�I�get�your�canoe.
The�real�prize�is�watching your�sorry�ass
swim�across�the�river. (chuckles)
-�When�I�win,
I'm�gonna�take�something close�to�your�heart.
-�You�leave�my�leftover�pizza alone!
-�I�don't�want�your�pizza.
I�want�your�lodge.
-�Haha!�Deal.
-�Not�the�lodge!
-�That's�crazy!
-�Get�over�here! -�Paul,�about�that...
-�Shut�up,�Stephen�Harper.
I'm�about�to�skunk this�Buttern's�butt.
-�Um,�the�reason�why you�beat�me�so�many�times
is�because...�I�let�you.
(Paul):�What? (Rose):�What?!
-�And�now�I�suppose you're�gonna�tell�me
you�let�me�beat�you�at those�staring�contests�too!
-�Enough!
It's�time�for�some�cribbage.
(tense�music)
(Greg�whistling)
-�I'll�take�that!
-�Hey!�Give�that�back.
-�No,�Dean,�this�is�a�deed
and�your�signature's all�over�it.
-�What?!
...is�a�deed?
-�It�means�we�own the�store�now.
(Greg):�Yeah. -�Who's�we,�man?
-�Oh,�um...
Oh�no...
Oh-
(tense�percussive�music)
-�Gregory.
I�am�your�father.
-�Nooo!
Oh,�wait,�I�knew�that�already.
-�Yeah,�I�knew�that�too,�man. -�Yeah.
-�Did�you�know�that? -�We�all�knew�this.
(Greg):�Yeah.
(acoustic�guitar�music)
-�Does�Paul�even�know what�he's�doing?
(Paul):�Come�on,�man,�hurry�up! Be�faster!
(Rose):�It's�like�he's�just doing�races�with�the�pegs.
-�And�he's�still�losing�that.
-�One-twenty-one!�Skunked!
(laughing)
Your�lodge�is�mine!
(laughing)
-�Lips,�I�need�your�help!
-�Come�on,�I'm�training.
-�I'm�looking�for�some�crime, preferably�true.
-�What�for?
-�I'm�starting�a�podcast,
except�on�the�radio.
Which�is�way�different.
-�You're�in�the�right�place.
If�it's�not�here, it�doesn't�exist.
Uh,�I�have�some�false�crime, if�you�wanna�see�that?
-�Dammit!
-�Don't�worry,
true�crime�is�everywhere. You�just�gotta�look.
-�Then�let's�go.
(light�music)
-�I�thought�we�were�bros,�bro.
-�We�were�bros,�bro.
-�Aw,�you're�mad�because I�take�big�shits
in�the�break�room and�I�told�everyone�it�was�you.
-�Why�would�you�do�that?
-�'Cause�I�don't�want�everyone to�think
I�take�big�shits.�Duh!
-�I�did�this�because�of�Gale.
-�Ah,�Gale!
(suspenseful�music)
-�And�now�Yeah�Man, is�No�Man.
-�Don't�you�have�enough�already?
-�At�first,�I�thought
this�shack�you�call�a�store
wouldn't�last.
Yet�somehow, you've�cut�into�my�profits
and�we�just�can't�have�that, can�we?
-�You�won't�get�away�with�this, man!
-�Oh�yes,�we�will.
-�You�see,�all�I�have�to�do
is�take�this�deed�into�the�city
and�have�it�notarized at�the�Bank�of�McGuffin,
and�the�deal�is�done.�Workers?
Give�these�trespassers the�bum's�rush.
-�Oh... -�Dean!
-�Whoa! (Greg):�Figuratively!
-�What�the�fuck,�man? -�It's�an�expression!
(chuckling)
(laughing�maniacally)
(sniffs)
-�Oh...
I�love�the�smell of�fresh�ink�on�a�lodge�deed.
Now...
get�off�my�lawn.
(laughing)
(door�slams)
ul. -�What?!�I'm�not�the�one that�made�Chickadee
fall�in�love�with�a�mooniya. I�blame�you!
-�What�did�I�do?
-�Yeah!�You're�the�one�who wanted�to�live�in�the�lodge,
and�if�we�weren't�living�there, we�wouldn't�have�lost�the�lodge!
-�That�was�Bucket�Head's�idea and�she�belongs�to�Dean.
-�What?�How�is�this all�my�fault?
-�Well,�you�did�just�sign every�piece�of�paper
Cousin�Leon�put�in�front�of�you, so...
-�Hey,�man,�your�dad took�the�store.
-�I�blame�Stephen�Harper
for�letting�me�win all�those�years!
-�Well,�I�blame�all�of�us for�not�making�the�most
of�a�bad�situation. Maybe�a�song�will�cheer�us�up?
?�The�Bitterns�on�the�Bus go�round�and�round�?
?�Round�and�round-�??
(all�shouting) -�Shut�up,�Stephen�Harper.
(overlapping�shouting)
-�We�can't�just�sit�here and�stay�down,
we�gotta�get�up�and�fight!
-�That's�the�spirit!
-�Yeah�Man�is�an�idea,
and�you�can't�kill�ideas.
-�Let's�get�back�to�business! (baby�crying)
-�Stephen�Harper, come�grab�my�kid!
-�Ugh,�there's�an�echo�in�here!
-�Yeah,�it's�like�we're�stuffed inside�of�a�speaker.
(baby�crying) -�Wait�a�minute.
Speaker?
(screaming�over�loudspeaker)
Good,�good!
-�Put�it�on�full�blast.
-�Let's�Manuel�Noriega this�clown.
(loud�crying) -�Good!
-�I�love�the�sound of�Bittern�tears!
You�thought�you�could�push�me out�with�your�CIA�tricks.
-�Give�me�back�my�pizza!
-�And�the�lodge!
-�And�my�bath�robe,�ho'leh!
-�Oh...
Did�you�know,�I�pushed
all�of�your�beds�together
and�made�one�giant�bed,
and�then�I�had�the�nakedest, sweatiest�nap�in�it!
-�You�son�of�a�bitch,�that was�supposed�to�be�my�dream!
-�And�now�it's�mine.�Unless...
-�Unless�what?
-�Unless�you�take�me�up
on�my�original�offer,
fight�me!
-�I�want�my�home�back.
-�Yeah,�stop�being such�a�momma's�boy
and�go�punch�out that�coo-coosh!
(Stephen):�Do�it�for�the�boy! -�You�too,�Stephen�Harper?
Oh,�alright!
(breathing�heavily)
I'll�do�it!
-�Then�you�meet�me...
at�Fight�Road.
(tense�music)
-�Ah,�nuts.
They�must�know�we're�here for�the�contract.
-�Let�me�look. -�Yeah.
-�Closed�for�reservations,�hey?
Let's�call�ahead and�book�an�ass�whooping.
-�It�actually�says�renovations, but�I'm�in.
Follow�my�lead. -�Okay,�man.
(Greg�clears�throat)
(Greg�whistling)
Uh,�yoo-hoo!
-�Ah-ah-ah-ah!
-�Wait,�wait.�You�see the�coin,�right?
Now�look�behind�you.
Ab'bro'cadab'bro...�bros.
(thuds)
-�Two�bros,�one�punch!
-�Okay,�let's�drag�them around�the�corner.
-�Yeah.�I'm�so�sorry. I'm�so�sorry.
I'm�so�sorry. I'm�so�sorry.
-�I�thought�you�said�there�was true�crime�everywhere?
-�There�is. (sniffs)
I�can�smell�it.
-�Yeah,�you�said�that�already.
-�There's�crime�everywhere,
all�the�time,�at�any�given moment,�and�we'll�find�it.
-�We�better.
-�This�one's�still�moving.
(thudding,�grunting)
(tense�Western�music)
(wind�howling)
-�I�see�you�came�alone.
-�Yeah,�duh...
-�Just�like�a�stupid�Bittern.
(whistling)
-�Hey,�man.�You�lied!
-�Oh!
Deed�I?
(laughing)
-�Wow,�these�guys�really move�fast.
-�Yeah.
(gasps) There's�the�deed.
-�It's�just�sitting�there.
-�That�was�ayii-easy. (chuckling)
Wait.
I've�always�wanted�to�do�this.
-�Dean... -�Yeah!
(button):�That�was�ayii-easy! (Dean�giggles)
-�There�they�are! -�Seize�them!
-�Ah,�man! -�Yeah,�okay.
(laughing�maniacally)
(laughter�trails�off)
oming�to�help�you, Bittern.
You're�too�greasy!
-�Oh�yeah,�is�that�so?
You're�damn�right�he's�greasy,
but�we�love�him.
-�Who's�we?
-�We's,�we.
-�Is�that�it?�A�couple�of Bitterns�and�a�little�rag-tag?
(chuckles)
-�Well,�who's�fucked�now?
-�It's�still�you.
(whistling)
(gasps) (Paul):�Iron�Python?!
-�I'm�so�mad�right�now!
-�So�I�see�you've�leveled�up.
Well,�so�did�I.
(whistling)
-�The�Southside�crazies.
-�I'm�so�mad�right�now!
(tense�music)
-�Attack!
(all�shouting)
(thudding,�grunting)
-�Muzzle�magic�boy.�We�can't afford�any�of�his�tricks.
-�Okay!
-�When�we're�done with�this�place,
strawberries�are�gonna�be 18�dollars,
milk,�20,
and�loosies...
40�dollars�a�cup.
-�You�son�of�a�bitch! -�Mm!
Leon,�keep�an�eye�on�the�kids while�Daddy's�away.
Hmm!
Tthese�loosies�aren't�bad, actually.
-�Leon.
I�know�I�stole�Gale�from�you,
and�I...
committed�horrible�acts of�toilet�fraud,�but...
-�But�what?
-�But�after�all�that,
we�still�bro'd�down.
-�I�was�faking�it. (Greg�and�Dean�gasp)
-�You�can�fight�it all�you�want,�man,
but�you�can't�fight�the�power of�friendship.
Right,�Greg? -�Yeah,�man.
-�Let's�fucking�go,�bro!
-�Pinata�time!
-�Bro�cousins. -�Bro�cousins.
Nothing's�gonna�come�between�us. -�Yeah,�man!
No!
-�Now�is�not�the�time for�friendship.
We�have�a�store�to�crush.
(rock�music)
(groaning)
(spits)
(shouting)
(Ernie�laughing)
-�PJ!
Drop�the�beat!
Drop�this�dead�beat.
(zapping)
(squealing)
(shouting)
(shouting) -�What�the�fuck?
Ah!�That�kid�is�crazy!
Let's�get�the�fuck�out�of�here!
Ah,�they're�all�crazy!
Even�the�babies�are�crazy!
(laughing)
(cheering)
(chuckling) -�Yay!
-�I�said�we�have�a�store to�crush!
-�Sorry,�Monopoly�Man,
but�I�ain't�no�button�down...
-�Yeah! -�Woo!
-�...corn�fed...
-�Yes! -�Yes!
-�...corporate�sell-out, marshmallow�motherfucker.
(Dean�laughing)
-�You're�gonna�regret�this. I�promise�you.
Workers!�Seize�them�all!
-�Hey.�Give�my�dad the�bum's�rush.
(laughing)
(William):�Hey. What�are�you�doing?
Oh�no!�This�is�coming�off your�pay!
Argh!�Gregory... you're�a�bastard�from�a�basket!
A�bastard�from�a�basket!
(all):�We�did�it!
(laughing)
(crow�cawing)
-�Look�at�us.
A�host�with�no�show, and�a�cop�with�no�crime.
-�Sorry,�Roger.�I�guess�nothing happens�in�Grouse�Lake.
-�My�show�will�bounce�back, it�always�does.
-�If�it�makes�you�feel any�better,
I'm�against�park�benches�too. Can't�stand�those�things.
-�Someone�was�listening!
Ha!
Wanna�head�back and�play�some�cribbage?
-�Let's�roll.
(sirens�wailing)
-�What's�wrong,�Agnes?
You've�barely�touched your�pelican�pie.
-�Oh,�I'm�just�feeling a�little�mockabee
since�Chickadee is�in�Europe.
-�Have�you�tried�to�get on�Kook'r?
-�Kook'r?�What's�that?
-�It's�the�latest matchmaking�app
for�lonely�Kookums�who�miss their�granddaughter.
-�I�could�use�that!
-�Just�fill�out�a�profile, upload�a�picture,
and�then�you'll�be�matched with�eligible�granddaughters
in�your�area.
(Agnes�gasps) -�I�got�one!
-�Just�click�accept and�welcome�a�new
member�to�the�family.
-�Yeah! (grunting)
But�isn't�this�a�real big�choice�to�be�making?
-�With�its�easy�to�use�features, you�can�cancel�at�any�time.
-�You�see, Kook'r�isn't�for�everyone,
especially�Kookums�who�have very�special�boys
who�need�very�special attention.
-�Well,�actually�Paul- -�Shut�up,�Stephen�Harper!
-�Maybe�Paul's�right...
-�Thanks,�Ma.
For�not�upsetting the�family�dynamic.
-�I�love�things just�the�way�they�are.
-�Love�you,�Ma.
-�Love�you�too,�Paul!
(theme�music)
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