All language subtitles for iguana-gab.igl.aloha.xvid-eng

[Latino-style music]

[audience cheering]

(male announcer)
Ladies and gentlemen !

From Bakersfield , California,

Gabriel lglesias.

Thank you !

Thank you !
Wow!

[high-pitched screech]
[laughs]

Oooh !

Oh , yeah ,
l have no pressure.

[audience laughs]

Thank you so
much , Bakersfield .

l can't thank you guys enough
for making this a completely
sold-out house here--

at the Fox Theater.

[loud cheering]

Yeah , well , a lot of people
around say, Where are you
gonna do your special?

When you get
to do your special ,
where you gonna do it?

And a couple people say,
Well , are you gonna do
it in New York,

in L.A.? And l said
You know, L.A. , New York
wasn't where l got my start,

l n 1 997 , my first theater
performance was right here
on this very stage.

[cheering and whistling]

And l know some
of you are looking
at the background going ,

[high-pitched female]
Okay, then if he's
showing Bakersfield love,

how come he has
a picture of Hawaii?

[laughter]

And just so you know,
that's not a picture
of Hawaii ,

that's a picture of
the The Bluffs here
in Bakersfield .

[wild cheering
and whistling]

Woo!

l love you guys, man .
l have--

l have way too many
good memories here, man ,

some of them are kind
of blurred because l
was [birdlike noise] .

You can't hang out
seriously here.

You gotta be careful
'cause the Police
here in Bakersfield ,

they don't mess around .

They will stop
you for anything , man .

They got me outside,
[siren]

(male voice over bullhorn)
What are you doing?

Walking .

But l noticed
something though .

lf you can make
a cop laugh , they
will work with you .

But you gotta really
make 'em laugh .

You can't just
make 'em go, Ahh .

You gotta make
'em , you know,
[screech chuckle]

l made a cop laugh
so hard one time, he
almost peed on himself.

l know this
'cause he told me.

He was, like,
[Southern accent]
You don't understand .

l damn near pissed myself.

[laughter]

And here
in Bakersfield , man ,
it's no different, man .

l love every
part of this town .
l even love Oildale.

Oh , yeah .

And for everybody
watching at home, going ,
What the hell is Oildale?

[chuckles]
[imitates banjo]

Yeehaw!

But l still
love it, guys,
l still love it.

But yeah , man ,
drinking here in town ,
you gotta be careful

'cause some people
can handle alcohol .

You know who you are.

Some people can't.

And you have no clue.

Guys especially.
You know how it goes.

We get loaded ,
we turn into one
of three people.

We're either
the l love you guy,

l hate you guy,

or the "mere" guy.

You know that guy, right?

Shh , hey!

Mere.

l know 'cause
that's me.

Oh my God ,
l can't handle alcohol .

People, when they get drunk
they say things they
don't mean .

You know when l'm drunk
you hear something like

Woo! l'm going running .

[laughter]

You better
cut me off.

Aw, hell , yeah man .

And when l drink,
l only drink like
regular alcohol .

l don't do beer.
Beer just doesn't--no.

Beer makes me
talk to my body.

l don't like that.

When l get drunk
on beer, l get weird .

l'm , like--
[breathes into mike]

[low growl]

What's the matter?

[laughter]

[low growl]

Hey! You said
you could hang .

[low growl]

Don't talk to me there!

[brrr]

You talkin' shit too?

[audience woos
and cheers]

That's what l say.
You just gotta be
careful , you know.

And if you're gonna drink
and you are thinking
about driving ,

don't do it.
lt's not a good idea
'cause like l say,

You know
when you're drunk.

You're doing laps
in the parking lot

and you can't
find the exit. Hello?

Some of you make
it out to the streets,

you know when you're drunk,
you're like,
[rrr rrr]

Behind you you hear--
[truck horn]

[drunken slur]
Shut up, stupid !

lf you hear
the magical sound
[siren]

one of two things
will pop into your head .

Either, one:
[drunken slur]
l'm okay, l'm fine.

l can beat this.

Or, two:
[siren]

[drunken slur]
l'm gonna go to jail .

[laughter]

l'm gonna go to jail !
l'm gonna go to jail !

l gotta let you go, babe.
l gonna go to jail .

Tell the kids
l love them . Bye.

[rrr]

l'm gonna tell
you right now, again ,

if you can make
the Police laugh ,
you have a chance.

lf you do get pulled over
for drunk driving ,

pull over as
slowly and as
safely as you can .

Get over to the--
[rrr and screech] .

Now, if you know
for a fact that you
are gonna go to jail ,

okay, you're
already--l'm gone.

Have a little fun .

[laughter]

l don't mean take off
on a high speed pursuit.

No, no, no, don't do that.

'Cause you're not
gonna get very far.

l mean , if you're drunk
and you know you're gonna
go to jail ,

and you have
tinted windows--

have a little extra fun .

Take off your seatbelt,

jump over to
the passenger side,

throw your seatbelt back on
and just wait for the cop.

[laughter]

You have no idea
how bad you're gonna
throw his ass off, you guys.

He's gonna come over
to the driver's side
with a flashlight--

And you're
sitting there. . .

[laughter]

[drunken slur]
He was here
a second ago.

l don't know
where he went.

[laughter]

Excuse me?
What??

Me drive?

Aw, hell no,
l'm fucked up.

[loud laughter]

[cheering and whistling]

That's sad because
l know some of you
are gonna try it.

[laughter]

[childish voice]
Let's do what the fat
guy said ! Do it!

And for the record ,
l'm not fat.
l'm Fluffy.

[wild cheering]

For those of you
who still don't know,

there are five
levels of fatness.
Fluffy is one of the levels.

There's Big ,
Healthy, Husky, Fluffy,

and
[shouts] Damn !

I'm stiII number four.

People go,
How do you know
when you're number five?

Well , 'cause
people will
tell you .

lf you try to get
on an elevator
that's crowded

and people stop
you and go,

Uh-uh .

Damn !

lf you go to Disneyland
and little kids want
to ride--you !

[laughter]

[childish voice]
l wanna get
on that one.

[deep growl]

[child's voice]
Damn .

Hey, l'm sorry,
little kids are
too honest, man .

They're like
little alcoholics.

l love Disneyland
but they're not
fluffy-friendly.

They're not, man .

They care about safety,
you know,

and that sucks, 'cause
l could handle one bar.

One bar, l'm cool .

But now they got
the whole--[clacking]

lf you're fluffy,
one of those is
not gonna lock.

You're trying--

People are in line,
You can do it!

One time l took a trip
with my buddy Mondo.

A big guy,
another big guy.

And l went with him
because his family,
they decided to go

and he didn't want to be
the only one hanging out
by the strollers.

[laughter]

So we're hanging out
at the end of the day,

my buddy Mondo goes,
Dude, we should
get on a ride!

l go, Which one? We can't
get on none of them , dude,
we're too big .

He goes, there's a ride here
at Disneyland that's called
Splash Mountain .

l go, What is that?

He goes, lt's a log
and you get inside
the log

and it goes uphill ,
it goes down , and
makes a splash .

No seatbelt,
no pull-bar.

You just get in and go.

l go, No seatbelt?
No pull-bar?
[high-pitched laugh]

[laughter]

So we get in line
for our ride, we're
all pumped up,

and l see people
getting off the ride
with these little note cards.

l go, What are those?

He goes, oh , they take
a photo of you when
you go downhill .

Oh , okay, cool .
So we get to the
front of the line,

and then we have to deal
with the lady with
the headset,

the lady who
takes her job
way too serious.

[high-pitched female]
Okay, how many people?
Four? Okay. Two here, two here.

How many, five?
Okay, three there,
two there.

We get to the front,
How many peo--?

[laughter]

Who cares? We
get our own boat.
We take off.

[beeping]
[hissing]
[chugging]

[splashing]

We're splishing and
splashing like
little kids--

[high-pitched laughter]

Three minutes go by,
the moment of truth ,
we get to the hill .

[splash]
[chugging]

[chugging stops]
[hissing]

[laughter]

My buddy Mondo
turns around ,
he says,

Dude, let's
flash the camera.

[loud laughter]

l said , You're stupid .

l'm down .

[loud laughter]

So as soon as
they let us go, right?

[hissing]

[long howl]

[loud laughter]

[howl]
[splash]

We get off the ride,
we are soaking wet,

[screeching laughter]

[squish , squish]

We're all rosado
right here.

We got a mean
old baby rash .

[squish squish]

We go to buy
the picture,

and there's a lady
behind the counter

with her hand
on the screen .

[chuckles]

And l ask my buddy Mondo,
l said , Bro, what boat
are we?

He says, 22 .
l go, She's
covering 22 !

He goes, Oh , we better
sneak out of here.

Ho, yeah , we're
gonna sneak out.

[squish squish]

We get past the picture girl
but then we get stopped
by Disney Security.

And you have not lived
until you been stopped

by a freaking man
wearing a badge in
the shape of a mouse.

This guy was like,
[Southern male accent]
HoId on! HoId on a second!

Ma'am , move away
your hand from
the screen .

You guys see
what l see here?

That's a disgrace
to this park!

We can't believe anyone
could take such a photo.

My question to you guys--

Do you recognize
the two big women
in this picture?

[laughter]

And it wasn't until
we walked over to
this photo

that my buddy
Armando and l realized
something about ourselves.

And that is that when two
full-grown fluffy men

are going downhill
at a 45-degree angle,

with no shirts on ,
going like this,

[laughter]

we both look
like sexy bitches.

[laughter]

But again , if
you're gonna drink,
just be careful, you guys.

Some of you can handle,
and some can't--

l got kicked
out of a bar on
Saint Patrick's Day.

l was performing
at the bar.

How do l get
thrown out, right?

l'm having fun ,
people are giving
me free drinks.

[high-pitched female]
Here, have
another drink.

l'm , like, woo!

l started pissing off
the management

and the owners
of this l rish
place that l was at.

The bartender's like,
Hey, buddy, relax!

Are you okay?
Are you having
a good time?

l was so drunk
l did this:

[imitates l rish accent]
l'm having a great time.

People around me,
Oh my God , are
you l rish?

l was, like,
[imitates l rish accent]
Aye!

They're, like, What
part of l reland
are you from?

Uh , downtown .

Are you here by yourself?

Oh , no, l'm not
here by myself.

Donkey!

[laughter]

Now if you're not laughing ,
you need to get out more often
because that's a funny joke.

That's hysterical .
Ask a 1 0-year old ,
they'll tell you ,

[childish voice]
That's funny!

l did that joke
one night at
Memphis, Tennessee.

And some guy thought
he knew why it was funny.

And he was way off
but he confronted
me outside,

all drunk,
[Southern accent]
Hey, you ! Fluffy!

l'm , like, What?

Mere.

No, you mere.

And he walks over and he says,
l have to tell you your
show was hysterical .

l done near wet myself
when you said 'Donkey!'

My friend Rod didn't laugh
so l had to explain it
to him

and he thinks l'm wrong
but l know l'm right.

Could yah set
the record straight?

Sure, what'd you
tell your friend?

Okay, look here,
l told him the reason
why it was funnier than hell

when you said 'Donkey!'--

it's 'cause you're Mexican .

[laughter]

And you people ride Donkeys!

[laughter]

Normally, l woulda been
all over this guy

but two things,
one, l was in
Memphis, Tennessee,

no support.

[laughter]

And , two,
the guy was drunk.

l just don't deal
with drunk people,
man , uh-uh .

When it comes to
drinking and women ,

ladies, when you go out,

make sure you take
one guy with you .

You need to take one guy,

even if he's--
[high-pitched]
Oh , my God !

You need one.

[laughter]

'Cause a group of you
get together,

there's always one
who will elect herself
the team captain , right?

Try to rally the troops?
Get everybody together--

[high-pitched]
Okay, look,
[laughs]

check it out,
this is a--shut up!
[laughs]

Okay, look, this
is what's gonna happen .

We're gonna take my car,
so leave your car,

my car, leave your car,
ready, ready, let's go.

They get in the car--
[motor noises] .

They get to the club--
[motor noises] .

[clicking heels]

[high-pitched]
Oh no, my purse!

[clicking]

They go inside the club,
they start jamming ,
having fun ,

[club music beat]

(male voice)
Oo-lah !

[club music beat]

End of the night,
that same girl who's
been the leader,

the captain , she gets
more hammered than everybody.

She's the biggest
hypocrite walking ,

now missing a shoe,
purse, keys, friends, car.

Look, some of
you are pointing ,
"That's you , bitch !"

[laughter]

End of the night,
she's stumbling out
of the club,

[high-pitched laughter]
l gotta pee.

Not anymore.

[laughter]

She's on the curb crying ,
mascara's coming down
her face,

[high-pitched]
l'm so wasted .

Who the hell is
gonna want me now?

That's when
l come out.

[shriek]
Wassup?

[laughter]

l keep coming
back to aIcohoI.

l keep having
these issues
with it.

Like, l got
loaded one night,

and l don't know
what happened ,

l accidentally wound
up at this, um ,

"dance place"--
gentlemen clubby
place, right?

l wasn't driving ,
it was an accident.

We pulled up to
the place and--
[motor noises] .

[surprised]
Ahhh !

l knew where l was at.

Even when you're drunk,
you could be drunk and blind ,

you know where you're at,
as long as you hear--

[rapid music beat]

[female screech]

[laughter]

I waIked in there
and l got recognized

by one of the dancers.

You gotta
call them dancers
or entertainers

or they get mad at you .
They'll get mad .

[high-pitched]
l am not a stripper.
Okay?

l am an--entertainer.

l'm like, Nooo,
I'm an entertainer.

You're a nasty.

Some girl recognizes you ,
[high-pitched]
Oh my God !

l know who you are!
You're famous!

And l'm like,
Oh , no.
Oh , no.

And some other dancer
who's spinning on a pole
overheard "famous"

and she stops.
Just ee!

[laughter]

She walks over, Oh
my God , you're famous?

Can l have
your autograph?

[drunken slur]
You don't
even know me.

l don't care.
Sign it!

Okay, relax.

What's your name?

Diamond .

What's your last name?

Rodriguez.

[laughter]

To Diamond .

With all my love
and affection--

Hurry up!

l got mad so l wrote--

George Lopez.

[laughter]

l was drunk.
l didn't care.
l'm all loaded .

She freaked out,
she's like--

Oh , my God !
Oh , my God !

You're George Lopez!

l can't help
it, you guys,

l was so drunk
l did this, l said :

[imitates George Lopez]
l know, ha.

[laughter]

Ey! Ey, cabrona!
Why you crying?

Why you crying?
[speaks Spanish]

Esta Ioca.

l won't lie
to you guys,
George knows l do that.

l don't think
he likes it.

[laughter]

l've done that to
a couple of other
people, you know,

l did that
to Paul Rodriguez,
and Paul was cool .

Paul was really cool
about it. He was,
like, you know,

[imitates Paul]
Hey, l heard there's
a guy out there

who knows how to
talk like me.
ls that you?

l said ,
[imitates Paul]
Yeah , that's me.

[laughter]

[imitates Paul]
That's purty good !

l said ,
[imitates George]
l know, ha.

[laughter]

Hey, can you do Mencia?

[imitates Mencia]
Da-da-daa!

[imitates Mencia]
Da's how you do it!

Now, Carlos knows
l do that, and he gets
mad at me 'cause he goes

[imitates Carlos]
You gotta do it--better!

No, sometimes
l use my voices for
eviI, man , I won'.t Iie.

lf l don't
have my way, like,

when l go to drive-thrus,
and they screw up my order,

[gasp]
oh , l'm evil .

l go back around
and l start ordering

but l throw them off
by doing this.

They'll come on the speaker:

(impersonal voice)
Welcome to Fantastic
Burger, how can l help you?

l'll do this:
[high-pitched girl]
Hello, sir?

[laughs]
Hi !

Can l please have
a double cheeseburger,

an order of fries and a shake?

[laughs]

Double cheeseburger,
order of fries and a shake.

[girl]
Oh , my God ! Yes!

Thank you , pull
up to the window.

Then l pull up.
Oh , they're not
expecting--me.

[laughter]

[rrr, brakes screech]

Oh , the look on
their face is
the best, right?

(guy's voice)
Did you just order?

They come back
with a bag of food ,

Um , would you
like ketchup?

That's where l
let 'em have it.

[high-pitched]
Oh , my God , yes!
[laughs]

Hell , yeah , man .

Oh , by the way,
before l forget,

l know l have a
habit on my shows

of sometimes throwing
a little Spanish in there.

lf you
don't understand Spanish ,
l do apologize, okay?

l promise l will
be translating .

l don't want
anybody freaking out

or reporting me to
the management with
concerns or issues, you know.

[male Southern accent]
What the hell is
going on in there!

What kind of
show is this?

Now somebody better
hit the SAP button

on that son of
a bitch real quick!

l didn't pay good money
to hear some Samoan
speak Spanish .

l'm not Samoan ,
l'm--Fluffy.

l didn't know why
the guy thought l
was Samoan , you know.

And l've had this happen
a couple times where people
go, Are you Hawaiian?

Why, no.
lt's not
just the shirt.

l thought it was just the
shirt but no, how can
it just be a shirt?

Just because you wear
a freakin' sombrero, that
doesn't make you Mexican .

l see white people
wearing a sarape,

walking a donkey
with a sombrero,

you don't look at 'em
and go, Hola, amigo.

No, you're like,
Hey, Ted . Hi .

You know, and he's
walking around
Hola. Come on .

Come on , stupid
donkey. Donkey!
Come on .

l don't get it, man .
But it's funny though .

l didn't know why
the guy thought
l was Hawaiian

until l actually
went to Hawaii ,

l found out that Hawaiian
people actually look like
swollen Mexicans.

[laughter]

They do! l got off
the plane, l looked
around , l was, like,

[high-pitched]
Oh , my God !
My family!

Even they were,
like, Aloha brother,
[unintelligible] .

Orale!

l loved Hawaii .
Hawaii was great, man .

They have a lot of
different cultures there.

They have a lot
of Asian people.

A lot. A lot of Koreans.

l know this because l got
a couple of shirts tailored

at some places,

and every time l go in ,
there's always a
Korean lady.

An older Korean lady.
Who was mean .

l'd walk in and this one lady
always had a comment to make.

l'm there for a week

and every day she
had a different comment.

l walk in one day and ,
l couldn't say
anything either

'cause she was
75 years old .

l can't say
nothing back.

But there l am ,
walking in .

[ding-dong]

The lady behind
the counter,

[imitates female
Asian accent]
Ohhh !

Oh , looka who's here.

[laughter]

Looka who's here.

Ohhh , shit,
we gonna worka
hard today.

[laughter]

[unintelligible]

Whatever.
[chuckles]

Don't make
fun of me.

But l can handle it,
you know.

l can handle it.
People say,

Gabriel , you
go up there and
you make fun of yourself.

No, l don't.

l come up here and l
tell you the things
that l heard people say.

There's a difference.

Sometimes l set myself up
for jokes and l don't
realize it.

Three years ago,
l bought a Beetle.

Not even thinking .

[light laughter]

That's not the joke,
shut up.

[loud laughter]

See, l can't even
tell you guys a story.

[high-pitched laughter]
Hmm .

l wasn't thinking ,
l bought the car

'cause it was affordable,
economical , brand new

freakin' Beetle for,
like, 1 7 grand .

l was, like,
[high-pitched screech]
first new car.

l go to show it off
at my friend Martin's house.

l thought it was nice,
l pull up, you know,
[rrr, screech]

Martiiin !

He lives in the Hood ,
l don't get out of
the car.

Across the street
there are these gang members,

they don't really get into
shooting people and stuff
like that,

they just hang out
on the porch and
talk a lot of smack.

So l'm there in the Beetle
and across the street
l hear this,

l'm , like, Martiiin !

And over here, l hear--

Orale.

[laughter]

Hey, what's up, guys?
How's it going?

(more distant voice)
How'd you get in there ese.

[laughter]

Hurry up, Martin !

[laughter]

Two months later,
l go back to pick him up.

Now l've had some time
to work on the car,

l put some rims on it,
some stickers,

l put a chip in the motor
so it goes faster.

l thought l was bad , right?
l pull up,

[rrr, tires screech]

[rrr, rrr]

Martiiin !

Orale!

[laughter]

Uh-uh , l'm not
turning around .

Hey.

Uh-uh .

Hey.

l don't see you .

Yoo-hoo!

[grrr]

Hey!

[grrr]
What! !

Check it out, hey,
it's the fat and
the furious.

[laughter]

l didn't even
wait, man .
[rrrrrr]

l got rid of
that car, man .

l traded it in and got
myself a big old SUV.

lt was nice for a while.

This car freakin' sucked
on mileage. l got 1 1 miles
to the gallon .

Oh , you cannot
be bad-ass in a car

that kills gas
like l kill tacos,
you can't.

[laughter]

You can't be at the
stoplight trying to
intimidate other cars,

What? What, what, what?

[rrrrrrrrr]

Twenty bucks right there.

Hell , no.
But it was
kind of cool .

lt had a G PS
navigational system in it.

An OnStar which
is really cool .

l'm driving , and all
of a sudden this girl's
talking to me,

[ping]
(pleasant female voice)
Right turn , up ahead .

Whoa.

[ping]
At three quarter tenth
of a mile, left turn .

And l'm , like,
Whatever you say, baby.

Being a big guy,
l've noticed that
people feel compelled

to tell me certain
things after shows.

l get people that'll pull
me aside and go, Gabriel ,
you're a very funny guy,

you're very talented ,
don't you think, perhaps,

you're living a
little excess in life?

And l'm like,
Well , l love to eat.

Well , don't you want
to live to be a hundred?

Well , not if
l can't eat tacos.

Or as many
as l want.

A lot of people think
that just because you
work out and lift weights,

and you eat right
and you do what people
tell you to do,

that you'll
live a long life.
Maybe you will ,

but, you know,
why do people measure
life by the years

instead of how good
the years were?

l'll measure by freakin'--
you know what l mean?

[cheering , whistling]

What good is it
to live to be a hundred

but you didn't
do anything?

You didn't go out
and kick it
with friends,

go out and get drunk
at some club

and wake
up in an alley
at one time?

You know?

What good is it?
You stayed in the house
and you were safe.

And l lived
to be a hundred .

You know,
l don't know.

That's why, l , um ,
l have a very big
amount of respect

for the crocodile hunter,
rest in peace, but,

come on , you guys,
yeah , he died at
44 years old , but,

he died doing
what he loves to do.

Not a lot of people
can say that.

lf l die tomorrow
from overeating ,
hoo-hoo,

God bless me,
that's exactly how
it was supposed to be.

[cheering]

You know how much
adrenaline he had?

Every single day,
risking his life,

you know how you
feel when you're about
to cross the street

and a car--
[rrrrrr]

and your ass
almost gets hit,

and you're like--
[screech]
Oh ! Oh ! Oh !

Oh ! and then
you're hysterical .
[high-pitched laughter]

Oh , my God !
l almost died .
[laughs]

Touch me.
Touch me right here.
Oh , my--

And the rest of the day,
you appreciate life,

looking at the birds
or the sky,

[sings]
You're loving life.

He did that
every day.

That's why every day
l try to live

just a little bit of my
life like l might not
be here tomorrow.

'Cause you never know.
l don't wanna die tomorrow

knowing l
coulda had a piece
of cake tonight.

Sure. That's why
people tell me

Why don't you work out?
Why don't you lift weights?

What if l'm
gonna die tomorrow?

l don't want
to die sore.

l wanna die full .

When the coroner cuts me up,

l want the whole room to
smell like potato wedges.

[laughter]

And he's gonna go,
This guy knew how
to live, right here, man .

Good times.
But again , the
crocodile hunter,

l give him a lot of
love, a lot of credit
but people go,

[high-pitched]
lt's such a loss to
the nature community,

you know, he taught
us so much about nature.

And l got
mad when l heard
this lady on TV

saying that
he taught us a
lot about nature

and it was, like,
No, he didn't really
teach a lot about nature,

if you want
to learn about nature,
you watch Discovery channel

or one of these nature
programs where they have
a guy on safari

and he's studying from afar.

Crocodile hunter, no.
Come on , every episode,

[imitates Steve l rwin]
Hey, how you doin'?

Look over there,
right there.

lt's a "toiger."

That toiger weighs 800 pounds
and it could kill a man
in 1 0 seconds.

l'm gonna touch it.

[laughter]

Hi , tiger.

[grrr]

Ow, he's angry!
He's angry.

Next episode,
There's a king cobra,

the most venomous
snake in all the planet.

One "boite"
and l'm dead .

l'm gonna pick it up.

[laughter]

[hissing]

He's angry!

lf he really wanted
people to think he
was out there, man ,

America, we should've
borrowed him ,

and sent him to l raq .

With no gun ,
just a camera crew.

Do you imagine
how bad that woulda
freaked out the enemy?

You're a freakin' soldier
working for Al-Qaeda and
you're out there, you know,

[imitates l raq
accent, unintelligible]

And he's
walking toward him
wearing shorts,

[laughter]

[imitates l raqi
accent, unintelligible]

Crikey!

[l raqi accent]
What is crikey?
What the hell is crikey?

And he's walking
up to him , Hey!
Look over there,

lt's an Al-Qaeda member.

An l raqi soldier,

one of the most
dangerous creatures
in all the planet.

One push of a button
and l'm gone!

l'm gonna poke
him with a stick.

[scream]

He's angry!

[laughter]

l think he's
still angry.

Yeah , man , this country,
l love living here in
the United States.

l can't think of anywhere
else l'd want to live.

Some people say,
Well , you're Mexican .

Wouldn't you rather
live in Mexico?

[whistles, shouts]

Uh--[laughs] .

l love Mexico,
just visiting ,
just visiting .

l like it
right here.

That's why it
kind of bothers me
whenever people go,

(female voice)
What is it like
being a Latino comedian?

l go, l don't know, l'm
a comedian who happens
to be Latino.

(female voice)
What's the difference?

The difference is
my special will air on
Comedy Central , not Telemundo.

[cheering]

lt's hard , you
guys, you know.

Lo español .

You speak a little Spanish ,
it freaks people out.

(female)
Oh my God ,
he's speaking Spanish .

Don't get me wrong ,
l like watching Spanish
programming myself.

Some of the stuff
is really cool .

My favorite thing
are the commercials

because they're
always about sex.

You don't even know
what the product is

until like the
last two seconds.

lt's always some model
walking out all sexy,

[rhythmic music beat]

[sexy female voice]
Hola.

[rhythmic music beat]

[sucks in air]
Ay, què rico.

[laughter]

And on the 28th second ,

[shout and short gasp]

Pepsi .

And you're sitting there,
going , l gotta go
get a Pepsi .

Oh ho yeah !
[laughs]
Oh my God !

l have a thing for soda,
l love it, man .

l know they gave
me water but--

(female voice)
Oh , a soda!

l didn't even see
that right there.

Excuse me,
un momento.

[laughter]

Pepsi .

[laughter]

No, that's
actually diet,
which is cool .

l'm not on a diet,
and it's funny
because people go,

Why then do you
drink diet soda?

So l can eat
regular cake.

l love cake, man ,
are you kidding?

By the way, l wanna thank
the three people who brought
me a cake personally.

l have them in the back.
l really appreciate it.

That was very nice of you .

The management
and the promoters are
freaking out there, like,

Gabriel , why do they
all bring you cake?

l go, Because on TV
l talked about one time
how much l love cake.

And so people bring it.

My friend
Mondo got mad ,
He's, like,

[Mexican male accent]
Why don't you talk
about hookers?

Somebody asked
me earlier too,
they said , Gabriel ,

when you get to do your
special , are you gonna do
anything about the country,

are you gonna talk
about politics?

Well , l'm gonna talk
first of all about how
l love this country,

and l wouldn't want
to live anywhere else.

l know that half the
world right now thinks
that our leader is the devil

and most of us would agree.

[laughter]

He's not--yeah .

l don't have to make
fun of the president.

He does it by himself.

Okay?

[whistling , clapping]

He does it by himself.

Every time he comes
on TV, l can't wait
to hear what he has to say.

Especially during
press conferences,

(high-pitched female voice)
M r. President. Question .

lt's been over a year.
What is your plan
for Katrina?

[imitates Bush's voice]
Ha! We're gonna find her.

[laughter]

That's right.

And we're gonna bring
Katrina to justice.

We have every reason
to believe Katrina
is connected to Al-Qaeda.

Qaeda, Katrina,
they both start
with a "k."

Our president got elected .
I didn'.t vote for him ,

but then again ,
l didn't vote for
the other guy either.

l was just, like--.

How Bush won
is beyond me.

Americans, we love to
vote but we don't vote
for Presidents.

We vote for things like
American IdoI.

Because that's fun.
Voting for presidents
is not fun.

Voting for American--
Shebang ! Shebang !

That's what
they should do
for presidents.

Just put both guys
on TV for one hour,

call it something catchy
like "Who's Gonna Run
This Bitch?"

You put 'em on TV for an hour,
let 'em argue 30 minutes
into the special ,

you put an 800 number
on the screen , and
say "Cast Your Vote."

[phone rings, click]
You've reached the
presidential hotline.

For George Bush ,
press three.

John Kerry,
press four.

Other options,
press five.

You don't like
either one?
Press five.

[beep]
Please hold .

[high-pitched voice
hums U .S . national anthem]

[rings and clicks]

[imitates Clinton]
[chuckles] l knew
you'd be back.

That's right. You know
you miss your daddy.

Oh , yeah .
l'm such a dork.
l don't care.

But l have fun though .

One thing you
guys definitely
made possible

is l have the ability
now to travel and l
never did that.

l never used to travel
until l became a comedian .

l'm , like, Oh my God , there's
a whole other world out there.

When l was hanging
out in Florida,

l got a chance to experience
an amusement park that was
a little different.

lt was an alternative park
called Gatorland .

lt's a real park,
and l've met
the owners

and they're really
cool people but l
gotta tell you :

best part about
this amusement park

is they have a recording
the funniest thing l've
ever heard .

You call this park,
this is what you hear.

[phone rings and clicks]
(male voice, Southern accent)
Yeehaw!

You've reached Gatorland ,
America's premier
gator extravaganza.

You've seen 'em on TV, now
come and see 'em live.
Gatorland .

You're gonna love this park.

Then he says this:

Fer Spanish ,
press two.

[laughter]

Oh . l gotta hear this.

[beep]
l don't speak Spanish but
you're gonna love this park.

l was dyin'!
l called him
like ten times.

Aw, it's the best.

l'm starting to sweat
a little bit, huh .
Too sexy, arrr.

l don't care though ,
l have a lot of
fun , you guys.

You guys have made
a lot of things possible.

At the beginning ,
when l first started ,

coming here to Bakersfield ,
to the Fox Theater,

l used to go to
this taco place,

up the way
called Taco Loco--

[cheering and whistling]

And it's still there.

l love food on wheels,
you know.

But this taco place
has taken it to the
next level .

They're really
really good there,

they're not paying
me nothing , l'm just
talking about 'em ,

but l go to order
and these guys were
kinda, you know--

the girls were cool
but the guys were mean .

l try to order
some food ,
l'm like--

[thuds]
Hello?

And the guy is like,
Què pasò, gordo
wha' you want?

Wha' you want??

Oh , hey, dude,
can l get two tacos,
chicken and a Coke?

Okay. What else?

[laughter]

That's it.

Tsk, awww.

Whatever, dude.

But we had
a lot of fun .

We got to
promote on a lot of
different radio stations

here in town to get the word
out to you guys about the show.

They try to get me set up
on the Spanish radio stations

and l've done
that in the past

and it was okay.

But the last few times
l had to say no

because they put me on the
radio with a guy who's
like "from" Mexico.

And l can speak Spanish

but you put me up against
somebody from the
Motherland , hoo!

l walk in the studio,
l'm dealing with this
one guy, right?

We go on the air
and he's like

[speaks rapid-fire Spanish]

Que paso!
que paso!
que paso!

l meet that same guy
in the hallway,

he sounded just like that.

Oh , hey,
how's it goin'?

Que paso? !

Are we on the air?

No! !

Why are you
talking like that?

Porque si ! !

And l freaked out
'cause you imagine
this guy

goes home talking like that
to his wife and his kids?

Come two, three o'clock
in the morning ,

his wife maybe wants
to do a little "something"

and she tells her man ,
[female Mexican accent]
Honey, tonight,

when the kids are sleeping ,
what are you going to
do to me?

Que me vas a hacer?

[speaks rapid-fire Spanish]

Quitarte los calzones
para ver ese cuuulote!

Si . [whoosh]
Si . [whoosh]
Si . [whoosh] Si .

[unintelligible] està
presentado por Pepsi !
S ì [whoosh] .

l know somebody who doesn't
speak Spanish is gonna go
home and try it tonight.

S ì. [whoosh]

(high-pitched female]
You better stop that.

S ì. [whoosh] .

Just have a little fun .

Like l said , you guys,
l wasn't sure what was
gonna happen .

A lot of things
have been happening
over the years.

This past year l had
the opportunity

to be on a reality show and
things kind of worked
out a little weird .

Well , but hey, all l can say
is the winner is the winner,

and he did what he did ,
and he got what he got.

But hey, this ain't bad
for sixth place,
is it? Huh?

[cheers
and whistling]

Yeah , l'm
not the last
comic standing ,

but l'm the only one with
a Comedy Central Special .
[laughs] .

l know my mom is
here tonight.

She's like--
[speaks Spanish] .

l love my mom . She's
over here, you guys.
Just say hi to her.

Mom .

[cheering and clapping]

Right there.

That little
woman made me.

And she tells everybody,
(high-pitched female)
No, he came out of here.

Ay, hombre, this is
the road to success.

She is not shy.
She cracks me up
though , man .

She likes what l do
because it's working ,

but she still doesn't
get the jokes.

lt's not that she
doesn't speak English ,

'cause she speaks
perfect English .

She just doesn't
see me as a comedian .

She sees me as her son .

l can't tell her a joke
'cause then she questions
it and kills it.

l could tell her something ,
like, Mom , why did the chicken
cross the road?

And l'll get,
(high-pitched female)
Who let out the chicken?

lt's a joke.

lt's no joke, baboso,
you know how much l pay
for those chickens?

Never mind .

No, you never mind .

lt's cool , though , man .

She's seen me do
a lot of things.

A lot of people say, well ,
you gave your mom a shot,
what about your dad?

Well , he's not
in the picture.

My father, um , ha,

let's put
some beans out there,
my father was a mariachi .

Way--l swear to God--he was
one of those straight-up
you know,

[ra-ta-ta-ta]

And my mom hooked up
with him about 30-plus
years ago one night,

and nine months later,
tan-tan , and l came out--

[laughter]

So l have a vague memory
of my father.

l knew him until
l was about maybe
four years old .

And then apparently
they got the band
back together

and he took off.

[laughter]

l don't remember exactly
what he looks like,

and sometimes
l'll take my mom
out to dinner

and l'll go, Mom , l don't mean
to bug you about this, what
does he look like?

Do you have
any photos l can get
and idea and stuff?

And my mom , she's funny,
she grabs a hot sauce.

[high-pitched female]
He looks like that.

That's funny, verdad?
Eso està funny, verdad?
[laughs and screeches]

He look just like that.

For those of you
that don't know,

there's a picture
of a mariachi on the
bottle of hot sauce.

So, yeah ,
we're doing okay.

Somebody asked me,
they say, Well , on
your first special

that you got to do, you kept
talking about this guy,

this friend of yours
named Felipe.

ls he a real person?

He is a real person .

And he's an old friend .
Known him forever.

But he's one of these comedians
who doesn't know when to stop
being funny.

And that's
why it's hard sometimes
to hang out with the guy,

'cause you know,
l know when to quit.

Especially around cops,
when l hear [gun cocks]
the joke is over.

lf l hear [siren]
you get an apology.

My friend didn't know
when to draw the line

and we were hanging out
one day and sure enough
a freakin' cop got mad ,

(deep male voice)
Oh , you think it's
real funny, huh?

You think it's easy to
be a police officer?
You see that scar?

l got stabbed in '92 .

See that?
Bullet wound , '96 .

What do you got
to say about that?

And l was, like,
l have nothin' to
say about that.

And my friend , Felipe,
is, like, Oh , yeah?

What are you doin'?

Fool , watch this.

[screech]
What are you doin'?

He grabs my shirt,
pulls it up, tells
the cop,

Fool , you see those
stretch marks?

Doughnuts, 1 996 .

l said , Dude,
he's gonna kill us.

l know, fool ,
but it was funny, huh?

And speaking of that,
l get pulled over by
a cop one night,

two minutes after coming
out of a Krispy Kreme
drive-thru . Alright?

Don't get ahead of me,
watch , l made a left turn
instead of making a right

but l wasn't
paying attention

'cause l had a box,
l was, like,

[gasp]
Oh , you're gonna get
it when you get home!

Oh , you've
been so bad .

So--[female screech]
you're gonna get it.

l'm not paying attention ,
l go the wrong way, right?

[rrr]

Sure enough--
[siren]

[shout]
Ohhh !

l pull over.
[rrr and screech]

M m .

Later.

[ba-ba-ba]

l'm sitting there
patiently waiting and
the cop is taking forever.

l said ,
The hell with this,
he's taking too long .

l grab my box,
l put it on my lap,

l flipped it open ,
right? And--[mmmm]

[lascivious chuckle]

[mmm]
[high-pitched screeches]

Oh , l was gonna get nasty.

And just as l was
about to tear it up,

the cop gets to the window
and says the same thing

that they all say, right?

[deep male voice]
You know why
l stopped you?

lt was too easy.

l looked at him
and l said ,

'Cause you can smell it.

Oh , he was dying ,
[deep male]
Son of a bitch !

Whatever, he let me go, man .

So you just gotta be careful .

lf you can make a cop laugh ,
you got a chance.

This past year,
l got to experience
something else.

l experienced
my first Raider game.

[loud cheering ,
clapping , booing]

Now, uh--

hey, listen you guys,

it takes a lot of nerve
for me to say

that after the season
that happened last year

that l'm a fan .
And l became a
fan last year.

[cheering
and whistling]

You can hate it
if you want, but
you know what?

Not only did
l become a fan ,

l did a show
in Oakland .

And l made a couple of
jokes and references
about the team .

And apparently there
were two players
in the audience.

l didn't know that.

Maybe that's why they
lost. They shoulda been
at home, practicing .

But there were two there.

And they
confronted me outside.

They were big guys like so,
You got a problem with
the Raiders, son?

l'm , like,
[screech]

They grabbed me,
picked me up,

and pinned me
against the wall .

Oh , my God .

Luckily, they fumbled
me and l got away.

And people go,
How do you come up with
your material , Gabriel?

How do you come
up with the things
you're gonna say?

Things happen to me and
then instead of just
going to a shrink,

l suck it up
and l come up here

like when l
did the joke about
the freakin' Volkswagen ,

l really used to
own a Volkswagen .

l didn't just go,
Let me see if
this is funny.

l had a Volkswagen .

No, l lived it.

People go, Why
do you wear
Hawaiian shirts?

l've always worn
Hawaiian shirts.

Bottom line is simple.

Why do l wear 'em?

'Cause they fit.

They're colorful ,
and l'm sorry--

When you wear a Hawaiian
shirt and you're living
in the ghetto,

people don't think
you're up to no good .

You're not a gang member
wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Nobody's gonna take
you serious, you know?

[deep black male]
Where you from?

[male Hawaiian accent]
Oh , Honolulu , eh .

[laughter]

You can't be hard
and colorful .
[laughs] Uh-uh .

No way, man .

And believe me,
l've had my encounters.

l had a little encounter
one time on a plane.

Some guy was getting
a little weird ,

and l'm like,
Uh-uh , no more for me.

Every time l get
on a plane, there's
always drama. Always.

One time l'm flying to Florida
and our plane got hit
by lightning . Uh-huh .

The plane drops 600
feet [whoosh]
straight down .

That was better than
any ride you've ever
been on .

l don't care
who you are,

you could've been freakin'
doin' 20 years in prison ,

you killed a hundred people,

you can be the baddest
toughest dude ever.

When you're in a plane
and it just drops
out of the sky,

[gasps] Woo!
l was gay for
five seconds.

l'm not gonna lie!
[screeches]

[weeping]

[screech]

Oh , l was a brokeback
Mexican , yes, l was.

l was in touch
with myself.

lt was funny, man .

Before l go,
l got one more good
story to tell you .

l took a road trip
about a year ago

after l got rid
of the Beetle

in the SUV. Took a
road trip from LA
to Phoenix

to go perform
at this club.

Let me tell you
who was in the car.

l'm driving ,
l got my buddy
Armando riding shotgun .

He's another Fluffy guy,
we call him Sexy Bitch .

Well , l don't call
him that, his wife
calls him that.

[high-pitched
Mexican female]
He's a sexy bitch !

Anyway, in the back seat
l got my friend , Martin .

Next to him is
my friend , Felipe.

So we take off--
[rrr]

we're on the 1 0 freeway,
we're passing all these
l ndian casinos--

[rrr]
[whoops l ndian style] .

Sorry, we're
stupid like that.

Anyway, all of a sudden
all these cars start
passing me.

[rrr rrr rrr]

l'm getting annoyed
'cause l'm driving
a [loud truck horn] .

l said , Next car
that tries to pass me,
l'm not gonna let 'em .

So l'm looking in the
rear view mirror, waiting ,
looking , waiting , waiting ,

and l see a silver dot.
The silver dot turned out
to be

a little car
with two hoochies in it.

Some of you guys
are going , How do
you know they're hoochies?

'Cause my friend
Martin was in the
back seat going ,

l feel a disturbance
in the force.

They try to go around
and l cut 'em off.
[rrr]

[high-pitched laughter]

l'm having fun ,
they're back there--
[light honk] .

Whatever!
[truck honk]

My friend Felipe is
in the back seat
yelling at me,

[male Mexican accent]
Fool , what
are you doing?

Dude, don't worry,
l'm having fun .

Gabriel , you're
gonna get pulled over.

Dude, l'm okay,
it's cool .

We're arguing ,
going back and forth ,

l'm not paying attention .

l don't see a California
highway patrol officer
creeping up on us.

All of a sudden
l hear--[siren] .

l look at the
speedometer: one oh two.

[audience ohhhs]

Oh , l freaked out.
[screeches] .

l pulled over.
[rrrrrrr]

[braking sound]
[psssssst]

The little car
that was behind me
with the two hoochies,

they got pulled over
because they were
going just as fast,

[rrr and squeak]

[laughter]

l'm in the front seat
of my car, freakin' out.

Oh my God ,
l'm gonna go
to jail .

l'm on the verge of tears.

From the back seat,
l hear my friend Felipe--

Fool , what
are you cryin' for?

What are you
cryin' for, fool?

You're not the one
with weed in his
pocket, are you?

You have drugs
in the car?

l told you to slow
down , didn't l?

But no! Picachu
knows everything .

Shoot! Everybody
roll down your windows.
[frrr frrr]

Air out the car.
Mondo, fart.
Do something , man .

The cop walks
over to the window,

looks in , sees my face,
recognizes me from TV,

he's, like, Hey,
l know you , you're
a comedian .

Yeah , you're that guy
from Comedy Central .

You're the guy that does that
joke about his friend at
a hotel

and you crank-call him
and you call him a
dirty Mexican ,

and then you go
"But it was funny, huh?"

Oh , l love that joke.
That one and when you go,

[high-pitched female]
Chocolate cake!

Ohh , l love that joke!

l hate to do this
to you but we got
two cars involved .

l need your license
and registration .

Okay, here you go.
Here you go.

So he takes my info,
goes back to the car
with the two girls in it,

the whole time he's back
there, l tell everybody
in the car,

Check it out! He
just recognized
me from TV!

Maybe if we have some
fun with him , crack
some jokes,

maybe he won't
take the car.

l don't care if l get
a ticket, but as long as
he doesn't take the car.

Mondo, be silly,
crack a joke.
Martin , be funny.

Felipe.
[deep voice]
What, fool?

Shut the hell up!

So the cop comes back
to the car, What the hell
were you doing out there?

Before l could think
of something funny
to say,

from the back
seat l hear,

Fool , he was testing
the suspension .

Oh , my God . This
pothead's gonna get
me arrested .

Officer, l'm sorry,
that's my friend , Felipe,

that's the guy from
the special ,

the guy who
says "But it
was funny, huh?"

He's just trying
to get me in trouble.
l'm really sorry.

Whatever.

So he goes back to his
squad car with my
driver's license,

and he's swiping it
in a computer.

The whole time he's doing
that, he's being yelled at
from the back seat of my car.

Hey, officer, thank
God you have a computer!

Last week we got stopped
in Mexico, that fool had
a Rolodex.

The cop starts dying .
[laughs with screech]

l go, Oh , we
got him going ,
we got him going .

l told my buddy
Mondo, Give me my CDs.

l take out my
Bad Boys II soundtrack,

and l pop it in , track three
is the theme song to Cops.

l tell my friend , Felipe,
Tell me when the cop
starts walking .

Okay, fool ,
here he comes.

l crank that song
as loud as l could .
[static and beep]

Ha! Bad boys,
what you , what you ,
what you gonna do.

[imitates beat music]

Best part, now the cop
is walking to the beat.

[beat music]

Even better than that,
the two hoochies in
the car

can hear the music
and they're freakin' out.

They're, like, [high-pitched]
Oh my God , we're gonna
be on TV!

The cop goes to the girls,
gives them a ticket,
lets them go.

[rrrrr]

Looks at our car
and at this point, we're
halfway through the song ,

we're, like,
[sings reggae]

♫ Police no give
Me no break ♫

[unintelligible]

Got our arms
out the window
like a bunch of idiots.

The cop is in the middle
of the freeway, dying .

[screech and laugh]

He walks over
to the window
and he's like,

Shut it off!

[screech]
[click]

Yes, sir.

Hands me my license
and the registration ,
and he tells me,

Gabriel , l want you
to do me a big favor,

l want you to keep this
tank under a hundred .

You think you can do that?

Uh-huh .

Do that for me,

keep on doing
what you do,

and you have
yourself a nice day.

But, but, that's it?

No ticket?

No ticket.

l don't know what
possessed me to look
at this man

and go, Why?

[laughter]

How come the girls
got a ticket?

And he tells me
the coolest thing ,

he says,
'Cause they couldn't
make me laugh .

[laughter]
[cheering]

Woo-whee!

You don't
understand , Gabriel ,

l've been on the force
now for 26 years.

This is hands-down the funniest
damn traffic stop l've ever
been a part of.

Do you have any idea
how hard it is to
give two sluts

a ticket while
listening to Cops?

l damn near
pissed myself l
was laughing so hard .

This is going in the books
as one of the funniest things

that ever happened
to a police officer,
l swear to God .

The only story better
than this one

is a buddy of mine
pulled over some fat guy

that gave him doughnuts.

So he starts walking away,
and just as l'm about
to start the car,

So does that mean
l can keep my weed?

[laughter]

l turn around to yell
at my friend ,

Too late, the cop
is at the window,

You wanna run that
by me again , son?

You heard what
l said , fool .

Oh , you think
this a big joke,
don't you?

You think that just
because l gave your
buddy here a break,

l know who he is,
l like what he does,

l don't know you ,
l don't like you .

Step out of the car.

l turn around and
my friend Felipe
is, like,

Whooo. l
am so scared .

And the cop pulls
out his gun ,
[cocks gun]

l'm freakin' out,
Oh my God !

Back seat, my
friend , Felipe:

Whooo. Whooo.
l am so scared .

Fool , he is good .
He is good .

Then he points
it at him .

The look on my
friend Felipe's face,

[gasp]
[whispers]
Priceless!

Are you serious?
Are you serious?

l'm a-go to jail?

The cop was like
[cocks gun]--

Nah , but that
was funny, huh?

l love you , Bakersfield !
Thank you !

[curtain music]

(Martin)
We're gonna bring

Gabriel back out to
answer some questions
for you .

You guys wanna
bring Gabriel
back out?

[wild cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen ,
coming back to the stage,
Gabriel lglesias.

Thank you , Martin .

You pulled it off
bro, congratulations.

l needed that
the first time l--
well , never mind .

They want to
ask you some
questions, uh ,

Who we got first?

This is a little
different something
we decided to do

because there's gonna
be a DVD release with
special features

we figured why not,
sometimes people do things

and sometimes people
wanna know information

and rather than
go on the l nternet,
you can ask the source.

So, here's you
guys' opportunity,

anything you
guys wanna ask
me, go for it.

What's your
name, homey?

My name is Danny.

Where you from?

Visalia, California.

Visalia in
the house!

Go ahead , Danny.

This past summer l
got on a rollercoaster,

when l sat down ,
it went click,
click, click.

How many'd you get?

Dude, l'm beyond clicks
now. l don't even get on .

Like six years ago, bro,
l could still go
to Disneyland ,

and lean on--[grrr] .
Now, l'm older, l hang
out by the strollers.

What's your
question , Patricia?

How does your family
feel about your success?

Um , some of the family
thinks that l'm doing
pretty good .

My mom is happy
'cause she's got a
car and it's paid for.

[laughter]

There are some members
of the family that think
l've gone Hollywood ,

and l'm like, Okay.

Some of the family
members are really
cool about it,

and some are just
kinda you know, hmmm .

l love them all ,
but, you know,
hey, whatever.

Not everybody
can get a check.

[laughter]

Hey, how you doin'?

What's your name?

(Gabriel)
JuIia!

I know JuIia.

You guys go back, eh?

Way back.

Like that?

Like that.

My question
is to you ,

l know you're making
fun of me for having the
runs and going to pee,

and l know you have
a girlfriend , l saw
her, very pretty,

but will you
please marry me,
my fluffy bunny?

[audience goes oh !]

"Fluffy bunny?"

Wow.

Girl , my girlfriend's
gonna jump you and
my mom's gonna help.

Take one for the team.

Thank you , though .

Bye, now.

Woo!
[screech]

Juan , Mexican name.

Yeah .
Què pasò.

How you
doin', bro?

Who's your favorite
stand-up and have
you ever met him?

My favorite stand-up
comic, Robin WiIIiams,

and l met him
last year.

[audience cheers]

Yeah .
Thank you , man .

What l was curious about
is how you come up
with your material .

How do l come
up with material?

Uh , some people
have writers,

l don't know how
to sit down and
come up with funny stuff

and then come out
here and try
to perform it.

l usually react
to things that
are happening ,

like people getting
up, walking to the
bathroom , baboso.

And it's still
the same guy, too.

Things happen to me
on a daily basis,
and l find a way

to make
them funny, like,
for example,

sometimes at night,
when l go to a drive-thru
and they mess me up,

l like to go back in line
again , and mess with them .

Like when they come
on the speaker,

WeIcome to McDonaId'.s,
how can l help you?

l'll just start messing
with them . l'll do like
a girl voice and go,

Oh my God , hi !
[laughs]

You don't just
write that,

it's kind of
a spur of the
moment type of thing .

Then l come up here
and tell the story.

Everything you hear me talk
about on the shows is usually
a real story.

How are you
handling success?

How am l handling it?

l'll let you know
when this airs.

l'll let you know
when the DVDs come out

to see if I
hang [unintelligible].

Honestly, bro,

l don't know how
you would say how
you're handling it,

l don't forget
where l'm from ,

that's exactly why
l wanted to do the
special here

because it was a--
1 0 years later type
of thing .

l still have
my original
best friend

from way back
in the day when l
didn't have comedy.

When l would go spend
Christmas at his house.

And l have
people that love
me and care about me

whether this happens
or doesn't happen .

My brother will still
let me sleep on
his porch .

So, it's going
good , man .

Stay true to
your roots.

Thank you , bro.

Ladies and gentlemen ,
this is a guy by the
name of Fast Freddy.

Fast Freddy has
been coming out
to see my shows

for what, a good
three, four years?

2000 you opened up
for Weird Al Yankovic
in San Diego.

What year was that?

Two thousand .

So for six years,
you have successfully
stalked me.

[laughter]

[high-pitched cries]

And made it
to the special .

This guy right here,
is one of the
greatest fans

any entertainer
could ever ask for.

And he's just been
a really really nice guy.

We did a show
in Denver, Colorado,

and he had his
entire family reunion
come to the show.

And any time l said his
name, they're like,
[screeches]

But no, honestly dude,
l appreciate your coming
out tonight,

and l'm gonna see to it
you come out on
the DVD,

and you can burn it, make
copies and give it
to your friends

and sell it
at the Swap-Meet.

But l really appreciate you
and your wife always coming
out to the shows.

Man , you've shown
a Iot of Iove

and l appreciate
you showin' the
Hawaiian shirt.

Oh , yeah .

But what's your
question , bro?

You've been all over
the nation , performing .

Where have been
some of your favorite
places to perform?

l don't wanna kiss butt
but mmm , one of them .

[wild cheering]

Yeah .

Uh , some favorite places
have been like, um ,

Phoenix, Arizona,
San Antonio, Texas,

Houston , Texas, uh ,
Florida, all over Florida.

M iami . New York.

l've had a lot of fun places.

One of the most interesting
was in Canada.

l performed
for Canadians. Eh .

They say "eh" more
than gang members.

How you doin', eh?

Orale, eh .

l love performing everywhere.

There are some places
that l'd rather
not go back,

l won't mention them
in case they sell the
CD and DVD there.

What's your name?

Salvador.

SaIvador! It's Iike
a soap opera name.

(girl voice)
¿ Donde vas?
¿Quièn eres?

(male voice)
Salvador.

Just messin'
with you , bro.

My question is, what's
your mom's favorite dish

that she taught
you how to make
or not?

My mom's favorite
dish , that she
wouId cook?

Yeah.

Uh , Jack
l n the Box.

Drive-thru .

See, my mom ,
yeah , she's Mexican ,
but she ole school Mexican ,

she didn't even
wanna cook.

When l was
a little kid ,

my mom would go
play bingo, she
still plays it

and she'd come home
at like one o'clock
at night,

and l'm like
Mom , l'm hungry.

(female Mexican accent)
Let's go.

We'd go hit a
Jack in the Box and
it became a routine.

When l was a little kid ,
l used to be like this,

then , years later,
Jack in the Box.

Mom , what's your
favorite dish?

TamaIes!

Oh , she's getting mad ,
[imitates]
Tamales!

[laughter]

Yeah , 'cause she'd
make 'em once a year
for Christmas

and make me
cook 'em with her,

l'm tying the
pinche tamales,
l'm holding--

[high-pitched]
Amàrralos!

l couldn't take a bath
because there's a bunch
of freakin' corn husks

in the tub
because she's
letting them soak.

I smeII Iike cuIo
but she don't care.

[high-pitched]
I have to
make tamaIes!

Hey, Nick,
what's your question?

What's your
favorite joke?

What is my
favorite joke?

Oh , that's a
good question .

Donkey!

I know it's
not exactly
a joke

but it makes me
laugh every time
l say it.

Hey! l actually told
a joke, it's not even
a clean joke,

my very first joke
that l told ,

when l was 1 0 years old ,

l did a show at my
elementary school ,

l went up on stage
and l said this,

l said , [unintelligible]

l said , Why did the
chicken cross the road?

And the whole crowd
said , Why?

And l said ,
To check out the chicks.

My name is Philip.

lt's not
really a question , l
just wanna say thanks,

l'm just out of the
Marine Corp and l'll
tell you what, man ,

you brought a lot
of laughter to us
out there.

[inaudible]

So l just
want to say
thanks to you .

[unintelligible]

You kept us alive
through some
rough times.

So thanks a
lot, brother.
[chuckles]

l appreciate it, man .
l'm glad you could
make it here, bro.

Huh? Tacos, later,
what's up?

For Philip and everybody
in the Marines, guys,
Iet them hear it.

All the troops!

[wild clapping
and cheering]

Go ahead , man .

Go ahead .
Go ahead .

[unintelligible]

Ven p'acà.

Get to the
mike, pendejo.
Come here.

All night you wanna
say something , now
is your chance.

You wanna scream.

Ven p'acà. What
have you been
drinking all night?

[unintelligible]?

Budweiserrr.
Bud Liiites.

He even says it
with an accent, huh?

Budweiserrr!

Bud Liiite!

That's the way
you do it.

That's the way
they allll do it.

What's your
question?

Where's afterward?

Last time
l was here,
we were told

you were gonna
be in one place and
you were at another.

I wanna take
it from you .

What are you asking?
Where am l gonna
be next?

Where we all
gonna go?

After hours?
Fuckin' Denny's.

[unintelligible]

East side?
Hey. Hey.

East side,
north side,
west side?

south side?
[unintelligible] .

What'd you say?
East side, north side,
south side?

Cabron , it's cold ,
we're gonna stay inside.

I don't know
which one
is that.

Alright, l guess
that's it, you guys.

Hey, listen , l
really cannot express

how touched l am
that you guys sold
out two shows tonight,

here at the
very first place
where l started .

[wild cheering]

This special

and you guys can say
you were part of it,

and hopefully it looks
really nice on TV.

Maybe they'll cut off
a pound or two.

We'll definitely
be back here,

give us about another year
and we'll be back to
do it again ,

and l love you guys,
thank you for
showing love.

Have a good night!
Thank you !

Captioned by Blue 1 05
www.bIue1 05.com

(male presenter)
Ladies and gentlemen ,

Iive from the Fox
Theater in beautifuI
downtown BakersfieId ,

put your hands together,
show your love for
Martin Moreno!

[cheering and shouting]

Woo! Bakersfield !
How are you guys
feeling tonight?

[loud cheering]

We got a packed house,
thank you for coming out,

thank you very much
for the Latinos in
the house.

M uchas gracias.
Where you at, Rosa?

We got enough Latinos
in here to start
a march.

That's beautiful .

Where's the white people?
Make some noise,
white people!

[loud cheering
and shouting]

Wow. We are not
marching anywhere.

[laughter]

Get back to work!

Where's the black folks?
Make some noise,
black folks!

[a few voices]

[audience laughs]

Alright, two!

Well , that's all
we need to keep
the white people

distracted from the
Latinos in the house.

l love black folks.
Black guys have
got to be

the coolest
men on the planet.

You know that?
That's right.

l'll tell you right now.
A black guy could punk

a white guy
into some fashion .

[laughter]

A black guy could show up
wearing a clown suit
talking shit,

it's a clown suit, bitches!

Honk honk, that's
my cell phone, nigga.

[laughter]

There'd be a white guy behind
him , Holy shit, we gotta get
a clown suit.

They are cool .
Latinos, we got
it all twisted .

We thought hard work
was gonna do the trick.

lt's hard work
being Latino, right?

You gotta sneak
in through the desert,

get a job without an l D,

learn how to speak English .

Black folks tried
hard work for
200 years,

you see where
that shit got them .

A boat showed
up to Africa,

it was a messed-up trip
but a boat showed up.

Can you imagine if
a boat showed up
in Mexico?

Latinos would be
running each other
over, trying to get on .

Vamonos, cabron ,
call your tio,

it's free, let's go!

Shit, you think
we fit a lot of
people in a car?

Mess around and
give us a boat?

We'll have people hanging
from that anchor,
Take me too!

Oh , man , l talk
a lot of shit.

lt looks like we got
a lot of couples
in the house.

Couples, where you at?
Make some noise, couples.

[much shouting]

Wow.

Better you than me.

l was married one
time, had a traditional
Latino Catholic wedding .

Very traditional .
My girlfriend
was pregnant.

[laughter]

My son was
the best man .

lt was traditional .
l'm not doing it
again though .

And l
knew marriage
wasn't for me,

because at the wedding
they were throwing
minute rice.

l knew it wasn't
gonna last, right?

And my favorite part
out of the whole wedding
thing was the bachelor party.

Are you kidding?

Free beers,
free lapdances,

that's a good time, right?

Because strip clubs
are expensive when
you gotta pay, right?

You got a big
ol' cover charge,
you get all mad ,

l shoulda brought
the Vl P tickets l
got last week.

You walk in ,
beers are eight bucks,

lapdances are 25 bucks,

and then they trick you ,
two for one, two for one,

but then
the song's over
in one minute.

What the hell is that?

Who's doing
the music here?
DJ ComeQuick?

This is bullshit.
lt's horrible.

That is why l like
strip clubs in Mexico.

That is the
shit right there.

[cheering]

And if you haven't gone,
you owe it to yourselves

to take a vacation ,
just to check it out.

[light laughter]

Everybody is welcome
in the Mexican strip club.

You got your wife,
you got your kids,

First of aII, there'.s
no cover charge.

There's a midget
about that big ,

just recruiting people.
He's got horns, whistles,

make it look like
a carnival .
Come on in !

You walk in ,
no cover charge.

Two-dollar beers.
One-dollar shooters.

Lapdances, 25 bucks, but
every lapdance has
a happy ending .

That is good times.

You have got
to be carefuI at
the Mexican strip clubs.

The girls look young .

They're legal ,
but they're barely legal .

lt's like it's gonna
be midnight and they're
like seventeen and a half.

lt's like, alright.
lt's like a New
Year's countdown .

Five, four, three, two,
hit the pole, baby,
you're legal .

l'm telling you , one
of these girls didn't
even have high heels.

She had tennis shoes.

She was dancing ,

little lights were
coming on in the back.

l'm Martin Moreno, you guys
have been a lot of fun .

Thank you very much .

[audience cheers]

Thank you !

Coming to the stage,
a very very funny man ,

you might have seen him
at Que Locos, Latino
Laugh Festival .

Please a big hand ,
M r. Noe Gonzalez.

[cheering]

[inaudible]

Alright.
Alright.

Alright, l'm five foot
three, fuck it, how you
doin' everybody?

[shouts]

Alright. There's advantages
to being short, right?

Hell , yeah , l could
get drunk quick.

Two Bud Lites,
l'm gone.

[laughter]

There's advantages.
l could stand under
a table

when there's
an earthquake.

l could just stand there.

You guys good over there?
Yeah , l'm good over here.

The bathroom
of the airplane,

l fit in there.
Tall people, you don't
fit in there, huh?

Your knees are
hittin' the door
like that.

Not me, that's like
my living room , man .
l'm like woo!

This flight
is takin' forever.

Let me wash my
hands real quick.

One thing that sucks
is that people
always know

what l am for Halloween .

Tall people,
you can fool
your friends.

You show up to the
party, everybody's like,
Who's Batman over there?

l don't know,
but there's Noe
right there.

Last year l dressed
up as King Kong .

My friends came up
to me, Hey, you're
Curious George,

huh , bro? Come here!

So l was just
watching the movie of
exorcism of Emily Rose.

Have you seen
that movie?

That's a scary movie, man ,
because the devil could just
pop into you at any time.

l didn't know
he could do that.

You know, she was
just walking down
the street,

How you doin'?
[groans]

That guy
stayed with her,

(deep male voice)
Honey, l love you ,
l don't care!

[groan]

And then his friends
would get mad ,

he would take her
to parties, Hey dude,

your chick is triping
by the punchbowl , look.

[laughter]

Nobody wants to drink
punch , bro, take her home.

(deep male voice)
Come on , honey,
let's get out of here.

Only white people get
possessed by the devil .

l've seen the first
two Exorcists movies, guys.

Latinos, we don't get
possessed by the devil

because our moms
would beat the shit
out of the devil .

Our mom with el diablo,
[speaks Spanish angrily] .

Traeme el tapatio,
con el tapatìo se
sale el diablo.

Con el tapatio--

Hijo de la chingada!
[unintelligible] .

Speaking of the devil , l
just broke up with
my girlfriend .

Sorry about that.

lt was hard , man ,
because she had cable.

[laughter]

Man , she has N FL Preview,
maybe l should wait
till February.

We're always fighting .
We got in a fight at
six flags.

We were right there in line
for Superman , the ride.

And there was these cholos
in front of us, playing
around with water guns,

just shooting each other.
They're [psh psh]

Go Raiders, hey!
[psh psh]

[laughter]

And some water
started splashing
backward , right?

She says,
l'm getting wet,
do something !

And l saw
they were cholos,
you know what l mean?

So l was, like,
Take it, bitch !

[laughter]

We just got us splashed ,
you got drenched , you
didn't say nothing !

Now you want me to
go do something?

She says, Fine, if l
get wet again , l'm
gonna go do something .

l go, Oh , shit.

So an hour goes by,
and the cholos they
start playing around

with the water guns--
[psh psh]

and she got wet again ,
(female voice)
That's it!

She ran over there,
she had a full Coke.

And she threw it on the cholos,
You like getting wet, huh?
You like getting wet?

You like getting wet?

l'm running behind
her going , No! !

[laughter]

The cholos were standing there,
all full of Coke, stunned ,
all sticky,

Then they looked at me,
Hey, bro, control
your bitch !

l was, like, Whoa.
See? l told you
you were a bitch .

Didn't l tell you--?
Hey, bro, l'm not
even with her, dog .

l don't even know
what l'm doing here,
l can't even get on the rides.

Go, Raiders.

So l just turned 30
like 4 years ago.

All my friends pitched
in , they gave me a Harley
Davidson for my birthday.

lt sucked because
l couldn't reach it.

l took it back, tried
to get it custom-sized ,
they gave me a Moped .

Moped sucks, they
have like no power.

l couldn't go over
a speed bump--
[imitates small motor]

So l just got a little dog .
l haven't named it yet.

l like the way white
people name their pets.

You name them
after real people, like,
this is my dog , Benjamin .

Hi , Benji .

Latinos we don't really care
what we name our pet, we'll
name it after any object.

l went over my cousin's house,
he says l brought a neat dog .

He's right over there.
Fierro!

[laughter]

Black people, they always
get big old tough dogs.

A pit bull , [barks] .

l've never seen
a black guy with
a cat.

[laughter]

l've never seen a black
guy in the trees,
looking for his cat,

(deep black male voice)
Where you are,
kitty, kitty!

Come on , motherfucker,
we goin' for a walk, bitch !

Where's my kitty?
Come on , kitty, kitty?!

Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Oh , kitty, kitty.

[laughter]

You guys have been
a lot of fun ! Thank
you very much , guys!

Have a good
time tonight, guys!

Have a good time.

Coming to the stage,
a very funny man ,

please put
your hands together
for M r. Armando Cosio.

Thank you .

Hey, what's up?
Hey, how you doin'?

l know, some of you
are looking at me, saying ,

Hey, didn't they
kill him last week?

[laughter]

That's Saddam ,
man , that's him .

They hung 'im .

Yeah , well ,
the rope broke.

Some of you guys
are saying , That guy
should work out.

Should jog
after the ice
cream man .

That's what
my old lady says.

You should jog
after the ice
cream man .

l go, Ha ha, real funny.

You know l can't jog
after the ice cream man .

He parks in front
of the house.

[laughter]

On purpose.

He's right there,
Hey, the gordo
lives right here.

Go ahead , crank up
the music, crank
that up.

Subele, subele.
He's gonna come
out right now.

And when he comes out,
we're gonna make
them run ,

and we're gonna
take off.

Here it comes,
here it comes.

Go! Go, go, go!

And that's just
the guy with
the pushcart

and little bell
on the handlebars--
[pring , pring , pring] .

l know how to
stop them , though .

But hey, Jose, l'm gonna
call the green man on your
ass if you don't stop it.

Okay, gordo, don't--don't
fuck around , gordo, okay?

Don't mess around ,
goddamn it, you
son of a bitch ,

hijo de tu pinche madre,
ay goddamn it.

l got childrens
and everything
so don't fuck.

l give you credit.

And l'm like,
Alright, man .

Give me a Choco-Taco.

lt's a trip, man when
on hot days he's got beer
in there.

This is a guy that sells
ice cream to our children .

l say, Hey, Jose,
what the hell is
the beer for?

No, no, tch , tch , tch .

He forgets how to speak,
he just blows air.

Tch , tch , tch , ahh .

Tch , tch , tch .

[mumbles]

Hot!

lt is hot, goddamn it.
lt's hot.

l know it's hot
but you got like
a case and a half in there.

No, cabron , it's not
just for me.

lt for my friend ,
the elote man .

The corn guy.
You know the corn guy,
the elote guy, yeah?

[cheering]

Yeah . Yeah .

[cheering]

Same horn ,
every neighborhood .

[squeaking horn]

[sings out]
Elotes!
Elotes!

That guy--

he parks in front
of my house too.

Aqui vive el gordo?
No, the gordo lives
right here.

He lives right here.

Oh , l got a special
horn for him .

No, not the [unintelligible] .
No, no, a special horn
for him .

Watch , watch .

[squeaky gordo, gordo, gordo]

Son of a bitch .

Man .

And l've been married
for 32 years, so you
know how that is.

Yeah . Have to
role-play with her
and everything .

The other day
we had sex
dolphin-style.

You guys ever
try dolphin style?

Okay, dolphin style is
like doggy style

but if you hit
the wrong opening ,

she's gonna go,
[eee eee eee]

You guys have been
a lot of fun , guys,
thank you very much .

Orale, Bakersfield !

[cheering , whistling]