Original subtitles

Jazz is dead, bruv. No one wants a brass band.

Jazz quartet. What do you know, you can't even turn up to rehearsals

Er, I was helping my grandmother. She had a fall.

You do know we performed at both of your grandmothers' funerals.

Yeah, and we also had walkouts. At a funeral.

Whiplash, talk to your brother, please. We could replace him.

I know a sick trumpet player, and he can get us paid gigs.

He just got out of prison but he's nice. We just won't be able to

You'd rather perform with a paedo than your own brother?

We should reinvent ourselves. New image, new name.

What about... The Wu-Tang Clan!

Like the group The Wu-Tang Clan?

Why are you so scared to try something new?

Hit up a new demographic.

I'm guessing this demographic is fit, young females?

Yeah, nothing woos the bitches like a four-piece brass band.

Jazz quartet.

And it's not about the money. Nor is it about the bitch... women.

It's about the music.

Now, can we please, please, just have one

normal, uninterrupted rehearsal?

Guys...

I think I've found a time machine.

Why are we following Homeless Pete?

He knows where the time machine is.

The same Homeless Pete who likes to masturbate in front of Debenhams?

Yeah.

Cool. Just checking.

He also thinks pigeons will inherit the earth.

Course he does.

So, this is the time machine?

He says "yeah".

It's not just a piss-filled lift in a run-down block of flats?

He says "nah".

And he's not thought about using this time machine to improve his own

Like... maybe going back to a time when he was less addicted to heroin?

He says "sometimes". Sometimes? Mm-hm.

Well, in we pop.

Into the shit DeLorean.

Actually, this is disgusting.

This better be chocolate.

Yes, all right!

Horace, move! This is so lame.

Oh! Hey, guys. Depending on what year we go back to,

remember, Snickers will be called Marathon,

and Starburst will be called Opal Fruits. Thank you.

OK, I'm really not liking this now.

Bruv, you gotta stop whining.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, we've travelled two floors vertically.

Hm. Science.

Bruv, I beg you, shut up. Wagwan, Jason?

Wagwan, big man?

What? The lift broken, yeah?

It does that sometimes, still...

So, you not gonna introduce me to your brethren, nah?

Everyone, this is Curtis. Hiya.

Knowing Jason, and judging by your facial expression,

I'm guessing Jason slept with your girlfriend?

Fiancee.

Close enough.

Right, shall we leave you two to it? What, you're not gonna

I just wanna talk, fam. See? He just wants to talk.

He doesn't just wanna talk, fam. Yeah, I don't just wanna talk, fam.

Hey, blud, I'm gonna kill you, you know! I'm gonna find you, bruv!

I swear! Dickhead!

What's the matter with you?

What was I supposed to do, not sleep with her?

Have you seen Eleasha? Firstly, I have. She looks like a foot.

Secondly, his wife to be. Really?

Look, I know I messed up! I'm sorry, all right, but I love her.

What about the girl from Claire's Accessories?

I love her, too. Yeah? What's her name?

Look, I know what this might sound like,

but I do actually think her name is Claire.

Guys? And your actual girlfriend T'Shana?

She too is the love of my life.

Guys? Where's Homeless Pete? Guys, what the hell is that?

What the fuck?

Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Who would've thought a guy who shits in bins is a Time Lord?

So, is this, like, slavery times?

Nah, it must be later. How do you know?

It looks more Downton than Django.

All right, let's just stick together and avoid any plantations.

Imagine all the things we could do?

Invest in stocks and shares and get filthy rich in the present day.

I was gonna say burn a witch, but we could do that. Yeah, we could do

We can't just go venturing out. It doesn't matter what time we're in,

any time before the mid '80s isn't good for black people.

Bruv, how can you not wanna explore? We owe it to ourselves.

People like us never get to time travel.

It's what white people do. Like... skiing, or brunch.

Anyone got a fiver? I'm gonna buy a house.

Fuck!

Look at you perving at all the ye olde ladies.

I'm just appreciating when women dressed like women,

and not like 12-year-old school boys.

That reminds me, I must buy some black pudding.

Would it mess with the future if I smacked that woman in the face

No, seriously, she's right.

Time, space, ripple effects, and all that?

What would happen? Oh!

Homeless Pete gave me some rules.

"Don't kill anyone."

That's not even specific to time travel.

"Don't impregnate, get impregnated.

"Don't touch any animals. Have fun and try to blend in."

Try to blend in?

Am I the only one noticing that?

All right?

Why we in a suit shop? Because I didn't see a Foot Locker.

MAN:: Good afternoon.

How may I eat you... help you, help you?

I'll just get the cannibal... Manager!

I will just eat the manager.

She's all right.

Going by the day's events, don't you think you have enough girlfriends?

All right, then, you go talk to her. Obviously, I can't. Why not?

Because she's about 90 years older than me.

What? Yes. I could go outside, and, yes, I could chat her up.

But what if I fell for her and she for I?

And we had this whirlwind love affair

where we couldn't be without one another.

And at the peak of everything, she decides to come back with me to

But as we return to the present day,

I'd turn to her only to see that she'd become the age she would be

And I would have the girl of my dreams as an old woman...

..dying in my arms.

Bruv, I just said to get her phone number.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Hail thee! Good morrow. How doth thou?

All right? Ask them.

Ask them! Yes, very well, Ralph. Ask us what?

We were just wondering - Yes, Ralph! Are you a jazz band?

What makes you think we're a jazz band? Quartet.

Well, four coloured chaps in London. What else could you be?

You're also carrying instruments. Oh, so you are.

Now, call it fate, but Ralph and I are hosting a sick-makingly glorious

We're twins!

Non-identical. I was born first.

So, Victoria and I are having a party - Yes, Ralph!

And Daddy promised us a negro jazz band.

You really shouldn't use that word. Oh, sorry.

A negro jazz quartet. Quite a shame, the band we hired cancel

One of the poor fellows got polio.

Typical, isn't it? All bad things seem to happen to me.

How much we talking? You'll be paid fabulously.

So, please, please, say you're a jazz quartet.

We are a jazz quartet.

Sorry, we'd love to, but, unfortunately, we've got to get

We'll be there. Wondrous!

It is rather a formal affair.

Yes, so no curious native trousers or spongy foot sheaths.

I can't wait.

Please don't let us down, otherwise Ralph and I will howl with shame

and take our lives in a tragic double suicide.

See you chaps later.

Fare thee well! Chaps.

OK, look, all I'm saying is that when people time travel,

it's to prevent a natural disaster or to save mankind from extinction,

not to perform as a negro jazz quartet.

You are shitting me. This is what you wanted. A paid gig.

There's one other jazz band, and they've got The Plague.

Polio. Whatever. Point is, he's gonna die. How amazing is th

I don't know how else to reiterate that we should just go back to

What if it's one of those one-way time machines?

Then we'll find an alternative way home.

Which is? I don't know. A scientist.

OK, what you gonna say to him?

Well, I'm gonna tell him, or her, that I wanna go home.

To? The 21st... century.

How you gonna get there?

Time machine. Cool. Good luck with that, yeah.

Leave him. He's just scared, as usual.

You know what, I'm gonna go home.

Excuse me. No, no. Homeless Pete said we should all stick tog

You're seriously saying you're gonna time travel back alone?

The man who's afraid to watch The X-Files? OK.

They're stories based on actual events.

OK, cool. Here's the gig address.

I give it 10 minutes before you brick it and come running back to

Good luck performing without lead trumpet.

Let us know when you get home safe, yeah?

WhatsApp's not working, but hopefully normal texts are going

Anyone pay for these suits?

Yeah, wouldn't it be jokes if us accidentally teefin' these suits

starts the stereotype that all black people are thieves?

I didn't realise black people were thieves.

I'll have to warn everyone.

Stupid 1920s London.

"Ooh, I'm smug cos I've recently given women the vote." Dicks!

Oh, what is the code?

Homeless Pete? Oh, thank God! I could bloody kiss you!

I won't cos I think I've got a cold coming on,

and, erm, well, you're a tramp.

Look, I need the code to get home,

so what I need from you is for you...

Homeless Pete, where the... Homeless Pete!

Pete!

Excuse me, are you John Logie Baird? Aye, that's me.

OK...

OK, I know this sounds weird,

but I think I've been led here for a reason.

I was chasing this mystical tramp,

and then seeing you,

and knowing who you are, because, well, I was really good at History.

I got a "B".

Anyway, I know you invented the television... Well, you will.

Who told you that?

I know you will invent the television because...

..I'm from the future.

I'm from the future and I need you to help me get back.

Right. Well, you'd best come in, then.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Ah, you're welcome. In you come.

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Someone's got an admirer. What?

I'm guessing he's gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds out you're a girl.

I'm guessing Victoria's gonna be pretty pissed when she finds out

Good comeback. Yeah, well, your mum's a good comeback.

Homeless Pete said to be careful who you get off with, in case

I don't think Ralph's her nan.

Hm. Homeless Pete says you never know.

Cheerio, I'm a cockney,

God bless you all, fine gentlemen.

I'm joking, that's not my real accent.

I'm so pleased you made it.

Look at you chaps all dressed up. Where's the tall, drippy one?

He's on his way. Are you sure?

I shall be skull-crushingly angry if I don't get my jazz.

A toast!

Hurrah to us, to you,

and to a bloody marvellous evening!

Oh, God, I love fun!

We're gonna hear the best jazz of all time!

Who wants some cocaine? Yay!

Nick's OK, right?

Yeah. Yeah. He's fine.

Please! I don't know what you're talking about!

Who sent you? No-one!

I told you, I'm from the future.

Just reach into my pocket.

My driving licence has my date of birth on it.

No, wait. I must've left it in my jeans.

Your what? Jeans.

They're like trousers, but fashioned from a cotton twill

Yes! Yes! That's a telephone, from the future!

I mean, that not the latest model, I need an upgrade,

but it's like a TV but small and...

Shh.

I am sick of them Englishmen coming round here trying to steal my ideas.

Only this time, they sent one of their exotic minions

to get his chocolatey fingers on my inventions.

Chocolatey fingers... No!

I'm going to be needing some answers, laddie.

Right now!

Ah, pish.

Refill!

Chocolatey fingers...

Chocolatey fingers...

Chocolatey fingers!

Shit. Shit, shit! Run, run.

Shit.

Run, run, as fast as you can

You can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man

Don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead.

Shit, I've killed telly, I've killed telly.

Sorry.

We want jazz! We want jazz!

You said he'd be back.

Maybe he's gone black to the future.

It's a Back To The Future joke. Yeah, I got that.

He wouldn't have got back in that time machine by himself.

So, where is he? What if he's dead? He's not dead.

Could he be?

Look, Ralph and I gifted each other these shoes.

They make a sound when we dance.

Look!

Look!

I'm running!

Do come on. We're terribly tired of waiting.

We want jazz! Now!

Jazz! Jazz! Jazz!

Right, chocolate fingers.

OK, all right.

Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate...

Oh, fuck! All right.

Oh! Chocolate!

OK!

That's not chocolate.

OK. All right. That one. That one...

Please...

Oh! Oh!

Yes!

Hello... Hi.

What's that chap saying? We can't hear you, man.

Hello, everyone.

I know you all came to hear our jazz quartet play tonight.

Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen.

We're basically missing our trumpet player.

He might be dead.

And it's weird, because the last thing he said to us was, good luck performing without me.

Excuse me. And in a way he was right.

It's like we've got a limb missing.

What are we without him?

What is a quartet without its fourth member?

It's a trio.

Thank you for coming out tonight! We are The Wu-Tang Clan!

One, two, one, two, three. Wait, wait, wait!

He's alive.

So, what, you were just gonna perform without me?

Bruv, I wanted to look for you, but...

Even though you thought I might be dead?

Paid gig.

Jazz! Jazz! Jazz!

Just play the goddamn jazz!

Hello, 1920s London!

One, two, three, uh!

My baby don't mess around

Because she loves me so and this I know for sure

Uh, but does she really wanna

But can't stand to see me walk out the door

Hey ya!

Hey ya!

Hey ya!

Hey ya!

OK, shake it, sh-shake it

Shake it, sh-shake it shake it, sh-shake it

Shake it like a polaroid picture

Hey ya!

Such a giddy-making delight of a night, all thanks to you

Now, who would like a dance with the birthday girl?

I thought you'd never ask.

And what about the birthday boy?

Oh, I'm not...

No, I don't...

Oh, no, I was talking to that... This one...

Particular one of you.

Would you?

Yeah, go on, then.

Are you wearing tap shoes?

Yes, aren't they wizard!

All right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's just time travel,

Victoria and Ralph needing a band,

having the perfect sound for the perfect gig.

Fate.

I guess it's a real thing. Maybe.

Maybe we've not gone back in time.

Maybe we're part of an overlapping multiple universe

and now is just a parallel version of where we're meant to be.

Maybe.

If we leave now, we could still get home for Newsnight.

Well, I don't see any reason for us to leave just yet.

What you sayin'?

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