Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

(tires screeching)

(dogs barking)

(indistinct cheering)

Okay, go ahead and give me ten bucks

on number seven in the next race.

Let's double it.

I want a taste.

Yeah, gambling at the dog races

is fun, huh?

Bu-But we do it responsibly, don't we?

Thank you. All right, come on.

Hey, Dr. Lou.

Big night for you, huh?

So hey, hey, let me ask you:

How come you always end up so flush at these things?

Well, you got to have a system.

Yeah, a system-- that's key.

Yeah, I'll, I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

You have a system?

Yeah, I got-- of course I got a system.

You know, I take, I take surface into account--

concrete or asphalt.

Take a look at their poop, see what's going on there.

Give the nads a little once-over.

You know, that's, uh... that's pretty much it, yeah.

Do not tell anybody.

You tell me yours.

Yeah, I got something better than that.

It's not so much a system

as it is me pumping

one of 'em full of amphetamines before the race.

Really? Yeah,

makes 'em run like rockets.

I bet. Yeah,

plus they love it.

Oh, yeah, look at that one.

He is stoked up.

All right, all right, I'm in.

Who are you shooting up on Sunday?

All right, there's a Welsh corgi that I love.

He pays 30 to one.

Maximum bet's $1,000.

I would like to bet more,

so you put $1,000 down for me,

I'll keep a third,

you keep the rest. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, I can have

1,000 bucks here by Sunday, no problem.

Just got to pull a few strings. Hold on,

hold on, hold on, teacup division's out.

Oh, who do you have in this one?

(sighs) I don't bet on these guys.

Too cute to exploit?

No. They can't handle the drugs.

Their little hearts explode.

(nervous chuckle) He doesn't mean that.

That doesn't actually happen.

I'm sorry. I was boxing the two and eight dogs in the third.

Say what now?

My boy. Who do you got?

(dogs barking)

So, what are we going to do now?

You want to go back that that restaurant with poles,

where I'm not allowed to look up?

Uh...

You know what?

I think I'm just going to take a horse tranquilizer

and hit the sack. All right.

See you Sunday. Later, Doc.

Hey, Robby,

you know, I love hanging out with you, I do,

but, um, I don't know, I think maybe

we need to get you some friends your own age.

I don't get along with kids my age.

There's this one kid I stabbed with a pencil.

He didn't get the joke.

Yeah, I don't think anyone would get that joke.

Is it the pencil part?

'Cause I can try something else.

No. Okay, I get it.

It's tough making friends, I know.

But what if I help ease you into it a little bit, you know?

I'll set up a few playdates.

They can come over-- you won't stab 'em.

It'll be great.

I can't make any promises.

Nor should you. Come on, hop in, buddy.

Scooch over.

Hey. BRANDON: All right, check it out.

That's Molly. She's a cheerleader

and she came in third

in the spelling bee.

So, of course, Gary's in love with her.

Oh, yeah? I think he's finally going to make a move.

There he comes. He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it.

Seal the deal, little man, come on.

Aw. Oh!

RON: Brutal.

Been there a time or two.

Hey, buddy.

What's wrong with me?!

I can't even steer my own body!

All right, okay, oh, okay, easy. Take it easy.

Let me tell you what I do when I strike out with a girl.

I look for her flaws.

I'm telling you right now, that ass is going wide.

No, Molly is the one.

All I can think about is kissing her.

And how she spelled "oxymoron" at regionals.

Mathematically, she shouldn't exist.

Would she be your first kiss?

Oh, yeah, I get it, I get it.

Feels like it's never going to happen, right?

That's 'cause it won't. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding.

It'll happen. It will just happen a lot later than you want it to.

You should have put gum in her hair. That's my move.

Hmm. Or you could kick her.

That works sometimes-- if you're out of gum.

All right, listen, do you really like this girl? Yeah.

You would do anything for a kiss?

Pretty much, yeah.

Including paying me $1,000?

GARY: I'm already paying you

to be my dad.

Okay, well, as your dad,

I say you're going to have to wait years for that kiss.

But as the guy you're paying 1,000 bucks to,

I say pack your bags, homeboy, you're going to first base.

I'm not going to pay you 1,000 bucks.

That's ridiculous. Whatever.

I'll pay you $500.

Yes! All right!

We are halfway there, Dr. Lou.

Just need $500 more.

Whoa, whoa, you're kidding me.

That's yours?

How the hell did you afford that?

Beads, man, beads.

Beads? I get my little cousins

down in the basement on weekends

making bracelets and dream catchers and crap like that.

Guilt-ridden tourists will buy anything from us poor Indians.

I bet.

I guess what I'm really selling

is forgiveness.

Wait, wait, hold on a second.

Hey, if you front me some beads,

do you think I can make 500 bucks by Sunday?

Yeah, sure, it's possible.

But you need a crew.

With little hands.

Little hands...

(motorcycle engine starting)

Okay, here's the deal-- I want everybody

to clear their calendars tomorrow night

because we are having a party.

That's right.

I was already planning one for you

so you can get

your kiss on, you little freak.

But you, I want to do one for you, too, huh?

Forget about playdates. Let's blow this sucker out

so you can make a whole crapload of friends all at once.

What do you say? High five.

Boom! Yeah.

Oh, this is going to work just fine.

Ah, keep 'em warm.

Okay, homework.

Back to work. Whoo!

I am just a guy

An ordinary guy...

Forget it. This is never going to work.

I've already sweated through five shirts.

All I have left is pajama tops

and a shirt from chess camp that says "Black Queen." Okay, relax, relax.

You're gonna be fine, all right?

And you're gonna get that kiss, too.

I set tonight up perfectly.

So, come on, let's start out by just chilling out a little bit.

Drop-drop the shoulders.

You look like a weird little Liza Minnelli.

(deep breath) Good. Okay.

Oh, no, now your lips are all dry and cracked.

You're gonna scare the crap out of her.

Here. You got to balm up every 20 minutes.

(smacking lips) Cap it, cap it.

BRANDON: Hey, we have chips and dip on the table,

a basket of glow sticks by the couch

and there's an oxygen bar

over there in the kitchen.

It's really just an open window,

but that's what we call it.

Great. What the hell is Brandon doing?

This is your day.

He's just here to help you out a bit.

She's going to pass out some food

and do that restaurant lighting thing

where they dim the lights, and nobody notices.

We good?

Yeah, I guess so.

My pits are starting to dry a little bit.

Let me feel. Good. Arid.

Okay, listen, I'm gonna go in the garage and check on Robby

and his new friends.

But you, in the meantime, young man,

you are going to go mingle, okay?

Oh, also, stay away from the onion dip.

I put that out to sandbag the other guys. Okay?

Wait, wait, Ron.

Hey, Molly.

Hi, Jerry.

It's Gary.

Um, I'm glad you could make it to our little shindig here.

I know it's not exactly the Hamptons,

but I hope it's rocking your expectations to some degree.

Is there pizza? Um, we were going

for more of a wine and cheese vibe without the wine.

Just the cheese.

Is that too cheesy?

Um, no, seriously, we do have cheese.

Hey, how's it going with Molly? I'm talking to her

right now. I know. How's it going?

Anything I can do to help?

Leave.

Got it. Anything else?

Die.

I'm gonna go walk around.

Oh yeah, totally.

Rain check on that convo.

"Convo," idiot.

(boys shouting)

Yeah! All right!

(cheering) Yeah, man!

Yeah!

Whoo, you guys having a fun Saturday night or what?

ALL: Yeah!

Yeah, all right!

That is good news.

Time to kick things up a notch.

Oh...

(kids groaning)

Yeah, quit your bellyaching.

Ron!

Hey. What?

What are you doing, Ron?

We were having fun together.

And no one was scared of me.

I know, I know, but this-this is not the way to make friends, okay?

And these video games-- they're weird and isolating.

We need a group activity.

We're going old school.

We are doing arts and crafts!

Yeah.

Yeah! All right, everybody grab a thimble.

Which you get to keep, by the way.

Stretch out those sticky little fingers of yours

and get ready for turbo beads.

Yeah. We are going to make some ornamental bracelets

to honor the native peoples of Arizona.

It is a real privilege.

Originally

only Native American warriors

got to craft this mystical jewelry

in order to harness the power

of lightning!

(imitates thunder crashing)

Any takers?

(reggae music playing)

Hey, Gary.

Hi.

Thanks for inviting me. Nice music.

Doing great really, pretty great.

So, is the rumor at school true that you're pregnant?

Yep, yep, yep.

Wait, what?

Now he's listening.

No, no, I'm sorry. You see, I was...

Hey, don't worry about it.

You're the host. A lot of pressure.

Huh. Tell me about it.

(air horn blaring)

Hello, everybody,

and welcome to our home.

Gary is very excited

to have all you out here tonight.

Now we thought it would be nice

to start things off with some icebreakers,

conversation starters.

You know, just a little something

to help us all get to know each other better.

And then, who knows what the night might bring.

Hey, Gary, huh? So let the fun begin.

Your dad is on fire and your mother's drowning.

You have a rifle with one bullet left.

Who do you put out of their misery,

and who do you watch

die a slow horrible death?

Discuss.

Listen up, gang. I didn't tell you guys the best part yet, did I?

Local legend has it, if you manage to complete

100 of these magical bracelets in one night,

you, too, will inherit the awesome powers

of a thousand Cherokee chiefs.

You said lightning.

The chiefs control the lightning.

Oh, so what do you say? How's that sound?

This is awesome!

Yeah, there's my guy. Right? Right?

Okay.

(whispering): I'm trusting you.

I know. No, no, no, this is going to be good.

This is going to be great.

Uh... Yeah, okay.

Some of these children might cause problems.

I can help.

Okay, cool.

You hold down the fort, all right? Will do.

All right, don't party too hard, you animals.

I don't know! Is there any way

to disarm the bomb

without having to saw my dog in half?

I don't even get the connection!

Hey, I just read what's on the card.

But guys, really good stuff going on here.

Yeah, some interesting back-and-forth.

Why don't we try another one?

Can we please take a break?

I need some fresh air.

Okay, okay, last question.

"You're at a party

"with no adult supervision.

"A sensitive guy

with unique charm wants his first kiss..."

Okay, great game. Hey, that was fun.

Let's get back to the normal kid-talk now.

Okay, and I have tons of cheese over there, so dig in.

Gary, I'm just getting... (loud rock music plays)

Hey-hey-hey, how's it going in there?

Great. I just told Molly in front of everybody

that I would eat her dead cooked body

in order to survive on Mount Everest.

Okay, just out of curiosity,

did you introduce the idea of cooking and eating her

or did she bring that up on her own?

BRANDON: So, I think I've set things up nicely.

You and Molly are really connecting.

Do you really think that, Brandon?

She's called me "Jerry" three times now.

This kiss is never gonna happen.

Whoa!

Whoa-whoa-whoa, settle down, okay?

We're right on track here.

All we got to do now is bring down the hammer:

Spin the bottle. We'll set it up so you're guaranteed a kiss.

But the mood isn't right for that, man.

How can you even bring up something like that?

The girls are never gonna want to play...

Who wants to play spin the bottle?

All right.

Go time.

This is a bad idea. I don't see

how I'm guaranteed a kiss from this.

Science.

Keep talking.

I stuck a magnet in the bottle, okay?

I put one in that pillow right over there.

So all you got to do is sit on that one,

make sure Molly spins first,

and you're good to go, my man.

Nice!

Sketchy, but nice.

Yeah. Come on.

Okay, hey-hey! All right!

Who wants to party?!

Let's party down!

Come on, everybody. Gather around.

Let's do this thing. It's gonna be great!

How about a game of spin the bottle?!

It's my favorite game.

Whoa-oa! I sound really creepy right now, don't I?

I just... You know what?

If you guys need me,

I'm gonna be in the garage with the little kids.

That was even worse.

Um, okay, you gotta start kissing...

I'm gonna... I'll be....

It's Saturday night, there's nothing better

Spread the word that we coming together

So come at me now

Ah, and you're gun-shy

(record scratching)

The revolution will begin this Saturday night.

(kids exclaiming)

Mmm, onion!

(mouthing)

Whoa, hell! What's that?!

No-no-no-no-no no-no-no-no!

Oh, what are you all doing off of the fun bench?

I'm sorry, Mr. Ron,

but some of the kids are now saying that the bench isn't fun.

Who's saying that?

Everyone.

Ron, old school isn't working!

Turn the video game back on!

So, what-what, none of you want to become

a magical native American warrior anymore?

Well, that's a shame,

because that is the chance of a lifetime right here.

My fingers are numb.

I swallowed a bead.

I swallow beads all the time.

Okay, all right! Okay, all right!

All right, all right, look, I was gonna save this

as a surprise, but, uh, I'll tell you right now, okay?

After you are all finished with the beads,

you are all getting candy.

Yeah, that's right, big-time candy.

Tons of candy. Candy you can't even get in the U.S. anymore

because it's illegal, all right?

And also, I shouldn't tell you this--

I don't know if I can trust you--

but this is the candy that they carry on the space shuttle.

We're gonna eat so much candy,

we're gonna puke all over ourselves, all right?

But not until we make a couple hundred more bracelets!

ALL: Yeah!

Fun bench, let's do it.

Okay, good, good, good.

Where is it? You can tell me.

It's in that box right up there.

B-But you can't touch it yet because, uh,

it's still being stabilized for our atmosphere, okay?

Back to the bench.

Gary, you gotta get back in there!

Dude, this thing is not over.

You kidding me?

You just kissed the love of my life.

Dude, I'm sorry.

But look, I warmed her up for you.

Hey, this doesn't mean she still won't kiss you.

Yeah? Why don't I just make out with you and skip the middleman?

Oh, hey, how's it going, Romeo?

Oh, yeah, I see the change in you already.

It's like more confidence, or manliness or something.

Looks good, right? So listen,

I don't know if I mentioned it,

but I'm gonna need that $500 in cash. Is that cool?

Your stupid plan didn't work.

Impossible. What happened?

Forget it.

No, no, no, come on. Come on. No.

Look, you can't keep this stuff bottled up inside.

You have to talk about it, let it out there.

It's gonna torture you forever.

(sighs) Okay, fine. Brandon...

(phone rings) Brandon will...

Hold that thought. Talk to me, ass-kiss.

Mr. Ron, we're having a little trouble here.

It's not candy.

It's just more beads!

ALL: Beads?!

Scratch that. A lot of trouble.

Oh-oh, stay with me, Gabe!

Don't you quit on me, little buddy!

Hey, Ron, it's 8:00.

You got my bracelets?

Uh, Mike,

uh, listen, I'm gonna need

just a little more time.

I ran into a baby snag with my crew.

I promised them candy that doesn't exist.

Wow, a white man making promises he can't keep.

I appreciate your stoic irony,

but seriously, do you know how to make magic candy?

Oh, sure, I do.

Really?

Idiot. Look, I need those bracelets now.

I got a tip on a broken-down busload full of Deadheads,

and I gotta move fast.

Got it.

Kids?

(muffled moaning)

(beads crunching underfoot)

(muffled yelling)

Ass-kiss? What is going on?

(muffled yelling)

Behind you!

ROBBIE: Get him!

Robbie, it started from a good place.

Not the pencil.

Not the pencil!

No! Please, not that! No!

If you close your fist for some of these,

you might actually do some damage.

Shut up!

Look, I said I was sorry, okay?!

I will make this up to you!

It's not just this, it's a million things!

Everything always works out for you

and ends up crappy for me.

I don't try to do that!

I know, that's why it sucks even more!

I've got magnets on my side!

You got a mouthful of onion breath,

you still get the kiss, and I get a bagful of nothing.

It never works out for me!

There's my wallet.

Of course, it's your wallet.

And it's full of million-dollar bills

and girls who want to kiss you!

Oh, hey.

Anyone want flan?

(kids clamoring) Oh, please not...! No!

How do you like those beads now, Ron?

(clamoring) No!

Hey, Molly, uh...

I know things got a little crazy back there.

Yeah. I should go.

Molly?

Yeah, Mom, I'm coming.

Molly, Molly, don't, don't go!

Ron, no! I got this! Shh!

Molly, Molly, hey,

he-hey, hey, listen, just one kiss.

Just one little itty-bitty kiss.

I'll pay you a hundred dollars.

It'll be our little secret.

Uh, no-no, no...

GABE: Wh-Wh-What's happening?

Is-is is she into it?

No.

Mr. Ron, they found us.

Go now. I'll try to slow them down.

(all yelling)

Come on!

(yelling) (whimpering)

(horn blaring) (screaming)

(tires squealing)

Rocket Pops!

Killer party, Robbie!

Let's eat till we puke!

(kids laughing)

(Gabe grunting)

(sighs)

Please hurry.

You're right, Mom, this party's weird.

Gary, hey, I know you think that this first kiss

is gonna be some big life-changing event,

but it's not.

You're gonna suck at it.

You know, you're really gonna suck

if I accurately recall my first kiss.

It's gonna be the same with the second

and the third and the fourth kisses;

they're all gonna suck.

You know, one of them will laugh at you,

another one will catch you with your eyes open mid-kiss,

That'll be weird 'cause then you can't close your eyes.

(sighs) And then you find one that's just perfect.

She's just, oh... so good, but maybe she's your cousin.

(clears throat)

(door shuts)

Good talk. Okay.

(sighs) Okay, I'm just gonna get it over with.

Wow!

That didn't suck.

Okay, now that we're together,

this is gonna be so much fun.

Tina's party is next week, so we need

to get your hair cut and buy you some new clothes.

Oh, and Sunday's game night at my stepdad's.

Wowee, I really thought you were gonna get

that eighth one down there for a second.

It was looking good. Okay, so I told you

that bead thing would work, didn't I?

Did I make you some friends or did I make you some friends?

Yeah, they totally want to come back and beat you up next week.

Oh.

Can you bring home some whiffle bats from work?

You know what? For a thousand bucks,

I'll let you guys use a real bat.

Okay, listen,

I was just talking to Molly, okay?

She wants to get serious, dude.

She gave me her number,

but I told her it was never gonna happen.

Anyway, good-bye Molly.

I think I have a girlfriend now.

Awesome. I kind of wish I knew that two minutes ago.