Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

Hi. Linda?

Oh, my God! You found Chester!

Chester-- I did-- the poor little guy.

Found him limping around

all cold and hungry, dangerously close

to an abandoned well.

He's lucky I came along.

I wouldn't say I saved his life, but he might.

I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, let me give you something.

Oh, no, no, no, no, please, no.

Just seeing the little guy back in the arms of a loved one--

that's all the thanks I need.

(sobs happily) Although...

(clears throat) You did advertise a, uh, $100 reward,

so I think, legally, I have to accept it.

Yeah. Oh. Oh, okay.

Plus, uh, he ate $75 out of my wallet,

but I'm willing to go halfsies on that with you.

(high-pitched whistle)

Hello, handsome.

Here we go.

I'm telling you,

a human could totally survive a fall from that height.

No way.

A cat, maybe, but not a human.

That's only because they're too dumb

to know how far they're falling.

Enough talk. Am I going up on the roof or not?

RON: Ooh, hey, hey, don't get too comfortable, buddy.

You're only here until the flyers go up.

Check it out, a dog! Cool!

Oh, oh, no touching! No touching! (stammering)

I'm-I'm watching it for a really tight-assed friend of mine.

Gotta keep it in mint condition.

Geez... so you guys really like dogs, huh?

Yeah, but our dad never let us have one.

Our housekeeper had one, though.

She used to tell us stories about it.

It sounded adorable.

Well, you know, I don't see any reason

why you guys couldn't have one now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second here.

A dog is a big responsibility.

What's the big deal? If the boys want to get a dog,

let's get 'em a dog.

Awesome!

Ron, can I see you by the barbecue?

You need to talk these type of things over with me

before you make a big decision like this.

You're completely undermining my authority.

Oh, you're overreacting. It's no big deal.

Yeah, it's no big deal to you, 'cause you get to be the hero.

I'm gonna be the one stuck cleaning up after it.

Okay, all right, fine.

Sorry, guys, no dog.

BRANDON & ROBBY: No!

Great, now I'm the buzz kill.

(sighs)

Okay, fine, I guess we can try it...

Yeah! Yeah!

But if we're getting a dog,

it needs to be house-trained and hypoallergenic for Robby.

Absolutely.

I can't believe I'm agreeing to this.

Okay, now, here's $500.

Get a good one.

You keep your money in the barbecue?

Not anymore.

Hey, Ron, check it out. Uh, I can't. I can't

right now, Joker. I'm in a hurry.

I got to get a dog for my kids.

Oh, okay. I just thought you might want

to look at...

Gene Simmons' boots.

Are you kidding me? (laughs)

Aw!

Oh, my God!

From the "Hotter than Hell" tour.

Opening night in London.

No, no-- Berlin.

450 bucks, and I think

there's some groupie panties jammed in the toe.

Shut up.

Oh, my God, there are.

Oh, I can have these.

No.

No, no. I can't.

Come on, Ron.

Are you or are you not a member of the Kiss Army?

Hey, you know that I am.

Don't start questioning my loyalties, all right?

I just, I have to

spend this money on a... (growling)

dog.

Wait a minute...

You know what?

On second thought, wrap those puppies up.

They're mine.

(laughs)

I hope you take cash.

Good call.

You're gonna get so much tail with these, it's sick.

(mouthing)

All right.

(laughter)

So, a purebred Swedish Vallhund, huh?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

And he's house-trained?

Yeah. That's what the guy at the pet store told me anyway.

You know, I had to spend a little extra, but, uh,

the looks on their faces. Oh, my gosh.

I love him already!

See?

He smells like old pizza.

Oh, that's the, uh, organic flea dip.

It's, uh, tomato-based.

Very expensive.

Oh. Who's a good doggie?

You're a good dog. Yes, you are.

But don't get a big head about it, okay?

'Cause nobody likes that.

Ah, look at those two.

I'm glad you talked me into this. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, there's got to be an upside

to having your dad in prison.

Now, if you need me,

I'll be in my shed.

Wait, Ron.

Yeah?

You know, maybe it's time

you moved into the house.

Really?

Don't-Don't say that unless you mean it, Gary.

I mean, I know we've had some trust issues,

but you've been doing a lot of good things

for this family lately.

I think you've earned a place on the couch.

I have. And you know what?

I'm really glad that I finally have your trust.

Feels good.

So, what's in the bag?

Oh. It's, uh, dog food.

BRANDON: There's something really

soulful and wise about this guy.

I don't know why Dad never let us get a dog before.

Yeah. What was his problem?

Oh, no.

RON (sighs): Oh!

Ooh, God, almost forgotten what a toilet seat felt like.

It's really good.

It's all thanks to you, my main canine.

All right, now, if you don't mind,

that couch has got my name all over it.

(growls) No?

Oh, got a tough guy here, huh?

(growling)

Okay.

(growling) Okay.

All right. Oh, okay, okay.

You can have it.

(growling)

For tonight.

But... I get

my blanket!

(Ron laughs, dog snarls)

Ah, too slow, sucker.

It's mine.

(sniffs)

Oh, my God! Oh!

Come on!

Hey, you know how when people die they come back as animals?

I think the science is far from settled on that one, Brandon.

Really?

So an entire subcontinent of Hindus

are actually ignorant morons.

That's a pretty bold statement, Gary.

Who are you?

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

Push me towards him. I want to play with him!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

Whoa! You guys, uh, might want to take it easy with that dog.

He's got a pretty vicious temper.

What are you talking about? He's great. Yeah.

Want to see how great he is?

Okay. Little something I picked up last night.

Here we go.

(laughter)

Yeah, that is pretty terrifying.

Are you also afraid of butterflies?

Ha, ha. No. All right, you guys should have seen it.

He was up all night growling at me.

I thought he was gonna bite my butt off.

Now he ate my waffles!

Waffles. That's perfect! We'll call him

Waffles! Yeah. Great. Did you not feed him?

GARY: I knew

this would happen, Brandon.

Well, Robby didn't feed him, either.

Why are you yelling at me?

I'm not yelling at...

(quieter): I'm not yelling at you.

All I'm trying to say is

that having a dog means having responsibilities.

Can you back me up here, Ron?

Boys, do what your brother says,

or I'll never hear the end of it.

(music plays on TV)

(dog whining)

You guys walk the dog today?

Guys, anybody walk the dog?

(dog whining)

(grumbles)

(liquid splashing)

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

Right on the autograph!

All right, that's it.

Time for someone to learn a lesson.

(growling)

Okay, I learned!

I learned!

(barking) I learned!

Aah!

Think I'm afraid of you?

I'm not afraid of you.

You're just a stupid dog.

I got news for you, buddy.

I'm as smart as any dog.

Boom.

(man speaking foreign language on TV)

(crowd groaning)

MAN (on TV): Coming up next on "Wolf Week"--

canis lupus negra, the Sonoran Black Wolf.

Well known for his cunning, the Sonoran Black is

a predatory, marauding killer.

(howling)

(howling)

Hey. Hey, Mike.

Listen, I got

a quick question for you about wolves.

Oh, that's right.

You got a question about animals, ask the Indian.

We've got a spiritual connection to nature, huh?

Ancient wisdom handed down

from our forefathers.

How come nobody ever asks me about the stock market?

I don't know.

Okay, so the wolf is a majestic creature,

known as much for its cunning as for its savage beauty.

It's a very misunderstood animal.

Yeah. Hey, listen...

Okay, Mike, I-I have more.

Excuse me.

What can you tell me about this shoe?

Uh, I think the question is,

what can you tell me about the shoe?

Okay, I can't teach if you haven't done your homework.

But I was just wanting to know. But, but, but. No buts, okay?

Take care of your feet, they'll take care of you.

Come back to me when you're serious.

Thank you.

Hey, Mike, okay, I got it. They're awesome,

beautiful animals.

What I need to know is,

can you domesticate them?

Oh, sure.

Native people have been doing it for thousands of years.

Really? You bet.

Works out great.

Right up to the time they turn.

Turn?

Yeah, one day they're your best friend, then all of a sudden...

they go feral, rip your throat out.

Happens every time.

Every time?

Well, not... Yeah, every time.

Hey, did you see Project Runway last night?

Jillian is totally out of control.

ROBBY: Brandon,

that's crazy.

Waffles isn't Grandpa.

I'm not saying he is for sure,

but you have to admit there are a lot of similarities.

He has that Texas-shaped birthmark on his belly

just like Grandpa,

he loves listening to Sinatra, just like Grandpa,

and he's always burying things in the backyard;

classic Grandpa. Come on.

Oh, look who's here,

the Gunderson boys.

Refresh my memory.

Didn't we have a little chat

about you bringing your garbage cans in on time?

I'm fairly sure we did.

I'm also fairly sure we left a note on your door.

And in the mailbox.

And on your car.

Yeah, we're not big note people.

We must have missed them.

But, for future reference,

muffin baskets are a big attention grabber.

I like their dog. I want it.

(quietly): Get her the damn dog, Elliot.

We don't want her wetting her bed till she's 20.

(whispers): Okay, okay.

(normal volume): Hey...

you boys wouldn't be willing to part with him, would you?

He's not for sale! He's family!

On my dad's side.

Come on, boys, you can play fast and loose when it comes

to garbage cans, and no one gets hurt.

But this is a dog we're talking about.

Hey, you hard of hearing or are you

just looking for a fight?

Who's he talking to, Mommy?

I don't know, dear.

Come on, Elliot.

You wanna go?! Let's go!

Not so tough now, are ya, little man?!

A wolf?!

What the hell kind of pet store sells a wolf?!

I don't know. That's crazy, right?

I tell you what, I am this close to writing them a stern letter.

We have to get rid of it before Brandon and Robby

get any more attached to it.

Yeah. They're acting

like this thing breast-fed them.

Yeah, they do love it, don't they?

You'd have to be some kind of cold-hearted bastard

to crush 'em like that-- you do it.

No way! It was all your fault to begin with, Ron.

You don't get to just waltz in here and be

the fun dad, while I'm the one stuck

always having to say no.

(quietly): Can we please not argue in front of them?

You guys should've seen it.

Waffles chased down a motorcycle and gave it a flat tire.

Grandpa always hated speeders.

Ron?

Okay. Let's go.

Come on. Okay, all right.

Okay, let's go. Don't push me.

Okay, gang, listen up.

There is, uh, something important

that you need to know about Waffles.

What's the matter with me?

I can't stop smiling.

Aw, come here, boy.

Something, something important

that I think Gary can explain best.

Uh, no, Ron, you were doing fine. Go ahead.

No, seriously, you're so much better at it than me.

Waffles is a wolf!

Awesome!

A wolf!

No, no, no,

you guys don't understand-- it's not awesome.

It's a wild dangerous animal.

He could go berserk at any minute.

What are you talking about?

Waffles is not dangerous.

I mean, sure, he had some old-fashioned ideas

about immigrants, but...

Okay, having a wolf in the house is dangerous.

It's gotta go.

End of story.

No way! If he goes, I go!

Man, we really need to brush his teeth.

What a waste of $500.

Tell me about it.

I never even got to wear 'em out.

Excuse me?

I never got to take the dog for a jog, you know?

I never got to throw the ol' tennis ball around.

That damn pet store. I'm telling ya,

we're going down there tomorrow

and we're gonna make them give us a new dog.

No, no, you don't want to do that.

Why not? That seems like the logical thing to do.

I know, I know. Just give me a minute here.

You know what?

I better go down there on my own.

I don't want you to see how angry I get with these people.

Believe me, I've got some words for these guys, too.

I'm going with you.

Great.

What-what the hell, Ron?

This is bizarre. There was a high-end

pet boutique here yesterday.

Damn this economy!

Oh!

What is going on?

Well, I think it all started with the selfish bastards

on Wall Street securitizing mortgages...

Enough! Just look me in the eyes and tell me...

Okay, I lied, all right?!

I found the wolf in the trash and I used the money

to buy classic rock memorabilia for my feet. Wow.

Feels good to clear the air, right?

Fist bump?

You owe me $500 and you're back in the shed. Got it?

That's actually more lenient than I was expecting.

I should've known not to trust you.

Listen, it was supposed to be a win/win situation, okay?

I got screwed by fate. I don't understand why

everything keeps blowing up in my face.

Hi, there.

I'm Colonel Drake Thunder.

My special ops unit is shipping out tonight at 3600 hours,

Need to find a home for our beloved family pet.

That's a wolf.

Say again?

That's a wolf, Colonel Thunder.

We don't take wolves.

Well, then I guess I know whose side you're on

in the War on Terror.

Let's go, son.

So, what do you think, Coach?

Interesting idea.

A live wolf on the sidelines

would make a pretty strong statement to the other teams.

Forget it, douche bag!

We already have a mascot!

Can your wolf do this?

Wolves! Wolves! That's our name!

Compared to us, you guys are lame!

We'll scratch you! We'll maul you!

We'll tear you to shreds!

And we won't give up

until you're all dead...za!

(whoops)

He's my son.

You really think we're doing the right thing?

What choice do we have?

Brandon and Robby are gonna take it really hard.

I know. Maybe it'll build character though, you know.

I mean, it's like this one time my dad got really drunk

and swallowed all the fish in my aquarium, plus the castle.

Look at me.

Uh-huh.

So, what are we gonna tell them?

Just gonna keep it simple.

We'll tell 'em that Waffles ran away.

They'll take it really badly, we'll take it really badly.

We'll all have a good cry.

It's a teachable moment.

Here we go.

Take this back to your pack.

The bitches will love you.

(car engine starts)

(panting)

What...?

How did he...?

Assassins!

You tried to get rid of Waffles!

The Germans couldn't do it in Normandy,

and neither can you!

We had to do it.

You guys gotta understand.

It's for your own good.

Think about it.

The Three Little Pigs.

Little Red Riding Hood.

Teen Wolf.

Teen Wolf Too.

The whole Teen Wolf franchise, really.

You see a common denominator here?

That you're both dirtbag liars!

Come on, Robby.

Let's go feed Waffles.

RON: No, guys, wait.

Don't-Don't, guys!

All right, you know what? Fine. That's fine.

Go ahead and play with fire.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Gave it a shot.

My conscience is clear.

Ron, please. What?!

What do you want me to do, Gary?

They don't listen to me, okay?

Just, you know, give it a few weeks,

they'll get bored with him. It'll be just like

the pirate ship go-kart.

BRANDON: I don't get it.

He's not eating his dog food. (giggling): Waffles.

Waffles, stop.

ROBBY: Waffles. (sighs)

No! No, no. Bad dog.

Don't make me spank you with the paper.

Brandon, no! Brandon!

Don't, you'll set him off.

(Robby giggling)

ROBBY: Try yanking his ears.

(giggling): Waffles.

Waffles, stop. Be right back.

BRANDON: No, no, no.

Bad dog.

What are you doing, Ron?

Something stupid.

Something really stupid.

Gene, Paul, Ace, protect me.

Pete... you just keep the beat.

This is it, Gary.

Time to take care of business.

Get out of my way, Brandon.

BRANDON: Ron? (grunts)

Ron, what are you doing, man?

Stay out of this! We don't need your help.

RON: Oh, yeah? (Waffles growls)

I'll show you what a wolf can do.

(fabric ripping, tearing)

RON: See? This is what I'm talking about.

(Waffles barking) ROBBY: What's happening?

BRANDON: No! Grandpa! (barking continues)

Oh, I didn't use enough padding.

(Waffles growling)

Oh, please, God, no.

Gene, where are you?

And there you go.

Ow!

Oh, that's just phantom pain.

Your body's in way too much shock

to comprehend how much pain it's actually in.

See?

So, we're not gonna rub ourselves with meat

and wrestle a wolf again, are we?

Well, I can't make any promises, but it's pretty unlikely.

GARY: Hey.

Hey, guys.

Hey, don't worry, I'm fine.

It wasn't as bad as it looked.

How bad did it look?

I swear, I will never tell anyone about the crying.

Although, it was more like wailing,

with giant, soundless sobs in between,

and I think loss of bladder control is really involuntary

at that point... Okay, shush, shush.

Got it. Thank you!

Good news, uh,

Brandon and Robby agreed to get rid of Waffles.

You did? Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think he's Grandpa after all.

If he was, he would've finished you off

and buried you in the backyard.

What?

Never mind. Just try and get some rest.

Okay. I will.

Hey, listen, as soon as I'm done in here,

I'll move all my stuff out of the house.

About that-- we took a vote and decided

that it's probably best you recuperate in the house.

And then we'll take it

from there and see.

Really? That's so good.

Thank you.

You won't regret it. I promise.

Where's Robby?

It wasn't unanimous.

I see.

I can't do it.

You do it, Brandon. I can't do it.

He doesn't deserve this, even if he isn't Grandpa.

No one does.

I'll do it, girls.

(doorbell rings)

We want you to have Waffles.

You were right, he does deserve a home like yours.