Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

Mm-hmm. No, I'm happy.

Well, Gina, listen to me, I'm fine, all right?

I landed on my feet.

I've a great new place. I'm there right now, actually.

(spits) Mm-hmm.

Oh, it's in a great neighborhood.

Lots of natural light.

Listen, I gotta go. I'm on the other line, okay?

(sarcastically): Say "hi" to the new boyfriend for me.

(phone beeps) Oh, sorry about that. It was the ex.

Poor thing just can't move on, you know what I mean?

Tony, Tony, calm down.

Listen, just give me till the end of business tomorrow,

and I'll have your $2,000, okay?

Well, that's just really mean.

All right, look, look, look.

I'm picking up these antique toy soldiers

later on today. They're mint.

They're worth way more than two grand, trust me.

Hey, um, I'm at the dentist. Think I can call you back?

Oh, Tony!

Hey, you're here!

Why didn't you, uh...? Uh...

That is a really great shirt, man.

Just give me till the end of tomorrow.

Noon.

Okay, noon, yeah.

Later.

This is the guy I was talking about:

Ron Snuffkin.

Watch him.

(whistling)

He's a creep. Exactly.

He's perfect. We're working too hard.

Let's just put an ad on craigslist:

"Wanted: father for three boys." Bam, we're done.

Great idea. A footrace between the pervs and Child Services.

Bam! We're screwed. I like my bam better.

(clears throat) That's an excellent choice, yeah.

I'm seeing butt crack. Are we this desperate?

A shoelace untied.

GARY: Yes, we are.

We've been through over a hundred people now.

We need a dad today.

Let's just spread out and watch him.

Oh, sorry I'm late, folks.

But I've got some good news!

Just got the new Bowflex in.

Something to think about, ma'am.

MAN: Can I speak to your manager?

Aah, you don't want to do that.

What's going on?

You told me these sleeping bags were rated at ten-below.

My family nearly froze to death.

And you all wore the thermals? MAN: You never mentioned that.

Yeah, you have to keep your wrist loose, yeah.

RON: I'm sure I did, okay? You can check

the security footage if you'd like.

Unfortunately,

I have to pass this on

to another service rep.

I'm dealing with a bit of a personal crisis.

Yeah? And what's that?

My, uh, my-my brother...

uh, and his wife and kids, they live in Seattle,

um, just got hurt pretty, pretty badly...

...at a lumberjack event.

Um, a chain saw... uh, kicked, kicked up on them,

and, uh... I need to catch a flight up there right now.

They're all in the ICU--

the Intensive Care Unit.

Wow. Yeah.

I hate to keep you from your chopped-up relatives,

but you think you can exchange these Rollerblades

for me before you head to the airport?

My God, have some compassion.

All right, everybody, that is it for me.

Sara Beth will have your back in about an hour.

Pardon me, sir. Got a minute?

I'm on break, boys. It'll have to wait.

Ow! What are you doing?!

How do you feel about lying for money?

Uh, keep talking. We need a dad for the day.

Say what? Wait. First, if you could have dinner

with any person in history, what would you eat?

Uh, not sure, but it would be wrapped in bacon.

(quietly): He's good.

We'll give you 200 bucks for an hour's work.

Give me 200 bucks?

What do I gotta do?

Fake out the school secretary.

Pretend to be our dad and sign us up for school.

Ron, is there a problem out here?

No, no. No problem, Eric. Thank you. It's all good.

Well, there are several people just standing in line

at the customer service counter.

Hey-hey, listen. Did you check your suggestions box today?

I think someone filled out one of your comment cards.

Oh, nice!

Huh, yeah, go get it.

So, you in, Ron?

Can we just slow this down for a second?

I don't even know you guys' names.

Gary, Brandon, Robby. Details are all in there.

Be at school by noon.

Wear a suit. I don't have a suit.

We could give you one of Dad's old ones.

He's not gonna need it anytime soon.

Okay. Listen, I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

You're kind of scaring me a little bit right now.

No problem. We'll find someone else

who wants to make easy money. Come on.

See ya. Don't tell the police about us.

Uh, uh, hang on, hang on,

hang on!

Wait-wait one sec. Hey, listen!

I am interested, okay, but, uh...

Come over here. Step into my office. Come on.

What is the deal with your real dad?

We're not gonna get into that.

You guys didn't kill him, did you?

No!

Did he kill someone?

He's a banker.

Oh, so he's in prison.

Oh, my God, he's in prison.

Wh-What was it, mortgages? Mail fraud? What?

It was a stock thing; 25 years.

He sort of stole from the rich and gave to some other rich,

who he later stole from again, but not as much.

Brandon, shut up! And it's not gonna be 25 years!

He's gonna escape anyway!

Right. Look, man.

We don't want to end up being foster kids,

so please keep your mouth shut.

Okay, all right. So where's Mom?

She left a long time ago.

You guys are out here on your own?

Probably living in a car or something.

Who does that?

No one.

Our dad kept an investment home and cash over in Mesa Ridge.

We made it out here all by ourselves from Jersey.

Robby fought off a rail yard hobo for a can of beans.

Those beans were mine.

Make-or-break time, Ron. What do you say?

$200 for an hour's work?

All right, boys, let's play house.

Oh, this suit is not cut well.

Have you been in a suit that is cut well?

Don't worry about the suit, it's all about the walk, okay?

A good model can sell a garbage bag.

WOMAN: Hiya.

Hi.

So, good-looking bunch you got there.

Oh, don't I know it. It's all their mother.

Where is mom?

Still in the picture?

No.

No, no. She, uh, she never left the Big Easy...

New Orleans.

You heard of it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a great town. Great, great town.

It's a shame we had to leave, but it is a town

that nevertheless haunts our every moment.

I mean, the boys dream of floodwaters every night.

I, myself, have struggled with addictions

to antipsychotics and methamphetamines.

(voice breaking): When my bride,

or "Mom," as you called her, when she, um...

(sobbing): when she passed, we... we just...

It's, it's okay.

Is it?!

Yeah, um, just give a shout

when you're done,

and you guys will be good to go.

Oh, that sounds wonderful. Thank you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Boom stick.

That's how it's done.

(scoffs)

I gotta ask. Did you have the Katrina thing going in

or did that just come to you?

No, I just get in the zone.

You just missed our turn!

Yeah, I know. I lied to you. Gotta make a quick stop, okay? Ron?

Look, I just gotta show my Grandma Ethel

that I have a family now, that's all.

Had a little falling-out a few years ago;

disagreement of where the country was headed.

She's not doing so well now,

and I feel guilty for calling Eisenhower a douche bag.

So what do you kids say? You want to come help cheer up an old lady before she croaks?

I'm out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the hell are you doing?!

I was gonna do a stunt roll!

Well, that is insane!

Okay, everybody just calm down, all right?

We're just gonna pay

a little visit

to an old lady, that is all.

(bird chirping)

All right, let's make this quick.

I'm not going.

We'll wait here.

Point to us. We'll wave and smile.

(sighs) Okay, fine.

Wave good.

We chose the wrong dad.

We could've gone with the biker guy I picked out.

He was black, Brandon.

You have no imagination. What if Mom was albino?

Go to hell!

I can't yet.

I have kids to raise.

Bull! You don't have kids! I do!

They're with me right now, in fact, okay?

And I want to tell you, I love them each so much.

They're so special.

They just, they open my eyes to something new every day.

(engine revving) They just...

stole my car. Unbelievable!

Kids, don't drive it!

(panting)

(bicycle bell ringing)

(wheels clacking)

(panting)

(groans)

Okay, ah,

well done.

All right, I just want you

to know that you really disappointed Ethel, okay?

Another thing.

This is only 180 bucks.

You shorted me 20, short stack.

We deducted my 20 you took off the floor.

Oh. I didn't think you saw that.

Hmm.

So, wow, this is

a pretty decent setup you got going on here.

What are we looking at, like, 3,000 square feet?

What's the temp like inside?

We're busy, Ron.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Me, too.

Why don't you guys just let me come in and hang out

for a little bit, huh? The AC's out at my place.

That place?

Yeah, it's temporary, okay?

Look, you guys, I took a

sick day to come and help you.

The least you could do is invite me in.

Ron, we're fine on our own.

Yeah, loser!

Okay, look, guys, let's just...

Ron, our dad was a major player

in the banking world. You sell balls.

See a difference there?

Little bit, maybe?

WOMAN: What the...? Who threw that?!

Have fun with that.

You can keep the bicyclette.

Oh, bother.

What in the world is going on out here?!

Get your hot links!

Bratwurst! Polish sausage!

We only have hot dogs. We're selling dreams, Robby.

What are you doing? Nobody cleared this booth with me.

We are supposed to be keeping a low profile.

You're the one who's always talking about trying to fit in.

This will give us a perfect chance to meet new people.

Let them get to know us... through our meats.

I'll have a bratwurst.

See?

Coming right up.

Let me just fire up the grill.

Oops.

And now they know us.

(siren approaching) Okay. Let's go.

Hey.

Oh, brother. What do you guys want?

We need you again.

Same drill as before.

A little small talk with the principal.

You know, "Nice weather we're having.

Sorry about the explosion," and you're out of there.

What happened?

Robbie stole some camping fuel from your store

and launched a fireball

at the school's fall festival.

You can see the outline of the stilt man on the gym wall.

Nice work. Piss off!

You piss off! You-You know what?

I shouldn't even be talking to you guys

after the way you treated Ethel. You know that?

But I like you kids.

And clearly, you need me.

So, let's call a spade a spade here.

A thousand bucks.

No way. $300.

Okay. All right. I get it.

You're kids. Your back's up against the wall.

You're vulnerable.

$500. $350.

Deal. Get in. Come on.

All right. So, $400 it is.

Plus, a small, little favor.

Ow, God.

Where's my money?!

What's his problem?

(school bell rings)

When did you get to town?

Last week. A few months ago.

Uh...

Last week,

but it feels like a few months ago.

That's Tucson for you, right?

How old is Robby?

He's nine. Eight.

Eight?

Oh. How old is he?

He's eight.

Can you explain

how an eight-year-old got ahold of camping fuel?

He gave it to me. No clue.

Uh, Robby, why don't you go out to the car

and start the air conditioner for me?

It gets hot, you know?

Go on. Chop, chop.

(school bell rings)

MAGGIE: Robby?

ROBBY: Whatever. Oh.

You. The, uh, Rollerblader, right?

(laughs) Wow.

You're Robby's father?

Yeah, I am.

Perfect.

John, the kid brought an explosive

onto school property--

Well, actually, it was camping fuel.

Sally Teal's gonna need

therapy and a wig.

I can't have them in class together.

Maggie, you have the only class with room for another student.

MAGGIE: John, I have 34 kids

and with Robby, you're killing me.

Guys, let's not blame Robby, okay?

Let's blame the person

responsible here.

His father.

You know, he hasn't been around much lately.

You get a good job. Start climbing up in the ranks.

Next thing you know, you wake up one morning,

and you are literally living at your office.

It starts small. You miss a practice, then a game.

Then the season is gone.

Hmm.

They say they don't mind,

but their eyes tell a different story.

The kids are asking you to come to career day,

but you're not going to be there,

'cause you can't even hear them. Want to know why?

'Cause you're too busy crushing dreams for a living...

1988.

I was superintendent of the Flagstaff school system.

Had a portrait at City Hall,

my pick of tables at the best restaurants...

and a pair of sons selling crack cocaine out of my basement.

(sighs)

You think the principal suspects anything?

Who cares?

We do, Robby! If they find us,

they'll split us up.

You want to go live with some weird foster mom

with a bunch of cats?

You always go right to that old lady with the cats.

What about the kids who end up with celebrities

and sports legends?

'Cause that's who I'd pick.

Check it out.

Oh. We're just glad

to have you Gundersons here in Tucson.

Likewise. Looks like we're okay.

So, we're all good?

Absolutely. Yes.

And we'll let Maggie make that call on Robby.

It's her classroom. Okay.

Right. Uh... So, uh...

We're all good, right? No.

I have a few more questions.

How can you assure me that Robby--

Is this going to take more than one minute?

What do you think?

It's just, I have an urgent appointment off campus

I have to get to. So, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you and I finish this tonight?

10:00? Drinks? Stallion Club?

4:00. No drinks. In my classroom.

If you're late, you're home-schooling Robby.

Okay, sounds good, Maggie.

Miss Morales is fine.

Miss Morales.

You little...

What are you doing? Close the deal.

Yeah. I will, at 4:00.

But I'm much less persuasive if I'm dead.

GARY: What's the deal, Ron?

You want to know the deal?

There. That's the King and Patriots collection.

Worth two grand.

Those are actually somewhere inside my Grandma Ethel's house.

I got to find them and sell them, so I can pay back Tony.

The, uh, nice gentleman you met with the baseball bat earlier.

I still don't understand why you need us.

Ah, she's got this weird thing

about keeping them in the family,

passing them down to the kids.

I don't care if they're your kids.

I don't care if they're Jerry's kids.

They're not getting anywhere near

those soldiers.

Okay, but you said you wanted

to keep them in the family.

I also said I'm not a racist,

but that doesn't make it true.

(bird chirping) Oh, son of a bitch!

Those damn squirrels are in my bird feeder again!

(Ethel grumbling) Uh-huh.

GARY: She's gone.

Now, go find them.

Oh, my God. Unbelievable.

I got to find those soldiers or I'm dead.

Keep him occupied, okay?

What? He's got a bat!

Well, then, find a ball!

(pounding at door)

Uh... Okay, that thing in the bus station bathroom.

North Carolina? Oklahoma.

On it.

What are you doing? Oklahoma!

What?

Oh, thank God. The doctor. What?

We don't need a doctor! We need a priest!

We are not letting her die, Gary! Come here!

Oh!

You have to save Grandma! I think she's dying!

Let her die with dignity!

You took an oath! What?

Look around. Is this any kind of life?

Okay. Enough!

Okay, she's ready now.

What? Uh...

What am I doing?

We can't play God.

Get in there and help the poor woman.

(snapping)

Oh!

Ah!

(grunting)

No. No, no, no! (shouts)

(groaning, screams)

Oh. Oh.

Oh, Ethel.

(gasps)

Oh, no.

Oops.

Play time's over, boys.

Where is he?

Let's just tell him. Gary.

No, really. We don't owe him anything.

He's in the basement.

(crashing, Ron groans)

I found them.

Ron. I'm going to rip you...

Oh....

Now, you guys get his pants off,

and I'll go pick out the right wig.

Uh, I can't believe she actually--

We agreed not to talk about it. Just get us to school, please.

Hey.

No, no!

No, no, no!

N-n--

Wow. What is that, a word castle?

Look at that. That is very creative.

You missed your chance. I'm busy.

Aww. What are you doing?

I'm transcribing the history of papier-mâché.

The printer doesn't work.

I thought that was a microwave.

I told you 4:00.

I know, I know, I know.

Listen. Um... (clears throat)

I'm going to be totally honest with you right now, okay?

I was saving a man's life this afternoon.

I'm finishing this,

and then I need to get my car out of the impound.

Impound? Listen.

Why don't you wait until tomorrow. I can help you

because I know Carlos down there really well.

No, no.

I promised myself I'd get it done today.

It's been there

for two weeks, and I just need to deal with it.

I'm tired of Rollerblading to school.

The kids make fun of me.

Yeah, I can see that. Look, I get it, I get it.

You know, you're overworked, you're underappreciated.

You're thinking, "What's one more kid, you know?"

You can't save them all.

So what? Robby turns to a life of crime in the streets.

Odds are, he's not gonna rob your house.

I'm a teacher. I don't have a house.

All right, all right. Look, hey.

What if I solve your printer problem? Then can Robby stay?

Come on, please.

Fine. Deal.

There is no way you're gonna get that printer fixed, though.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not going to fix it.

You're right, Ron.

I should just man up and tell my boys I love them.

Mm-hmm.

You will thank yourself for it, Johnny.

And do not forget to journal it.

Okay?

And again, I am, I am just so sorry

about the printer, Maggie. It's a disgrace.

Just don't let the other teachers know

I let you have mine.

(clears throat)

So, um...

Robby can start tomorrow, Ms. Morales?

Maggie's fine.

Oh. Well, that's a new progression.

I'll get that.

Mmm! This is a good day, huh?

So, what's on the schedule for mañana?

Well, we'll be going to school.

You'll be eating dashboard bacon.

Hey, you know, actually,

I think we work pretty well together, don't you?

I was thinking maybe we should make this

a bit more of a regular gig.

That's a pretty big step, Ron.

And you're kind of annoying.

You're kind of annoying!

See? You're acting like a child, okay?

You guys, you're gonna need me a lot more than you think.

What if you need a doctor's note for school?

Or a ride to the mall?

Plus, I can buy beer.

Not-not-not that you should be drinking.

You should not be drinking.

Although it can be fun sometimes, you know.

But you'll do, you'll do regrettable things. Don't drink.

That's what I'm getting at. Don't drink

Plus, don't forget your teacher and your principal

both think I'm your dad.

What's your offer? And make it short.

Okay. I make myself available to you

whenever you need me for 500 bucks a week

plus a room in the house.

We can't afford that. We'll find somebody else

when we need a dad.

Okay. Fine.

All right. $300 a week.

But you stay out of our hair.

Yeah! Okay.

Got it. Oh, wow. Wow.

Yeah, this is good.

You guys won't even know I'm here.

I promise, you know? I might snore a little bit.

But if I do, just chuck a shoe at my head or something.

You know? Although, that might trigger the night rages.

We'll work it out. It's fine. Wow.

Is that a 50-inch flat screen?

Yeah.

We've got 500 channels,

a full sports package and all the premiums.

Sweet.

Yeah, but you probably won't see it from there.

From what? What's that?

It's the tool shed. It's where you'll be living.

(rattlesnake rattling) Oh, come on!

We need you.

Sorry. I'm actually

off the clock right now, so...

You said, "whenever we need you."

I did.

Okay. All right. Fine.

I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Ah, I see.

Okay. Uh...

Ah, there we go.

All right. Close your eyes and tilt your head to the right.

(glass shatters) GARY: Ron!

RON: Did it work? I wasn't looking.