Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

Ah.

Okay, guys, laundry is done, lunch is in the fridge,

and Robby, I finished double-checking your homework,

but you might want to get someone else

to double-check my double -checking.

Where are you going?

I'm, uh, going to my men's book club, and I'm late.

Got to pick up tea cakes on the way.

Book club, huh? Uh-huh.

What's this week's book?

It's, uh, The Fanciness

Of Loving.

Not a real book.

You don't know that.

I know you.

All right, okay, all right, fine, fine.

I am going to an Adult Film Convention

with Glenn, all right?

That I believe, except you're not going.

You're supposed to watch Robby today because

Brandon and I have band practice.

Plus, that's gross.

No, no. It's not like that, okay?

It's nothing like that.

It's not like I want to go there

and spend the day in a giant room

with 300 half-naked ladies who always want to party.

(blows raspberry) That's barf. No.

Listen, I'm going because I want to meet with Misty Rose,

one of the emotional touchstones of my youth, okay?

See, after my parents got divorced,

she saw me through some really tough times.

In my darkest hours,

when I wondered if I'd ever smile again,

Misty was always up there on screen

saying, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

And a bunch of other stuff that's

not really relevant.

Well, I scheduled band practice weeks ago.

If you had a conflict, you should've let me know.

How was I even supposed to know that? I put it on

You never told me we had a calendar.

I told you we had a calendar at the calendar meeting.

Hello! Here he is.

There's the birthday boy!

I hope you got your party pants on, my man,

because tonight is gonna be one for the record books.

You and I are going

to the Tucson Triple X-po to meet with--

wait for it-- "Adult film legend Misty Rose.

And others."

Oh, my God!

Misty Rose! I know!

I could ask her if she ever got my letter.

Yeah. (sighs)

Oh, but I can't.

I got errands I got to do.

You got errands you got to do? Mm.

On your birthday? Yeah.

Who are you?

Well, I have to buy a new barbecue.

Then I'm having a birthday dinner with Angela.

And I have to start early, so I can prep the vegetables.

Oh... (splutters) You're cooking?!

That is not what we do on our birthdays, buddy, okay?

We go crazy on our birthdays.

We don't do errands. We go on epic adventures.

We steal church buses and get thrown out of border towns.

We break into zoos and dress up the animals.

That was a great seventeenth birthday.

That was the best. But those days are over, Ron.

No. We're not those guys anymore.

Yes. The closest I get to an adventure nowadays

is buying a new grill,

and maybe picking up an impulse item on the way out.

No. I refuse to let this noble tradition die, okay?

You, my friend, deserve Misty.

Plus, I already paid for the tickets,

so you'd be kind of jamming me up

if you don't go, monetarily speaking.

I knew it. ANGELA: Ron?

Hey. What?

Wow, there's a collar on your shirt.

Do you have a court date? Hi, Angela.

Oh, my God,

I think that flower died when you walked past it.

Anyway,

I just came by

to say happy birthday

to your husband here.

Happy birthday. Thank you.

What are you up to? Nothing.

Barbecues are heavy.

I needed another pair of hands. Mm-hmm.

Ah, plus, I know this great place.

They got, like, every type of grill.

They have white grills

and black grills and Asian grills and...

Have my husband back by 7:30, or I'm getting him microchipped.

Absolutely.

Why have I assembled this eclectic group?

Because each one of you possesses

the skills needed to become rock stars.

Jason, from the marching band.

(drumming) Me.

Andy, from musical theater.

Present and in the moment.

And Quan, from the world of conceptual art.

(grunts)

Thank you, Quan.

My brother Brandon will be on lead guitar.

I will handle the lead vocals.

Separately, we are anonymous nerds.

But together,

we are Gunderson.

Gunder-what?

Gunderson!

Isn't that just your last name?

Guys, there's only gonna be one captain

of this rockin' ship, and that's gotta be me.

BRANDON (echoing over speakers): Hello, Gary? This is God.

You need to chill out.

For girls don't like uptight guys.

This band isn't about picking up girls.

It's about redefining

how humankind interacts with music on a global level.

We discussed this, Brandon.

(echoing over speakers): I am not Brandon.

Brandon did tell me he fell asleep when you told him that.

GARY: Brandon, you need to cut it out.

You're throwing us off schedule.

Then I shall freeze time, for I am God. Hold on.

I have Jimi Hendrix on the other line.

Jimi! Talk to me, man.

GLENN: I don't think this is a good idea.

Oh, come on. It's a great idea, okay?

We got plenty of time.

We can go in and meet Misty Rose

and still get back in time for your dinner with the Grinch.

All right? Come on, we deserve a little X-rated fun.

Hey.

Oh! Hey!

You forgot me, didn't you?

No. You're Robby.

You're supposed to spend the day with me.

Oh, yeah.

I did forget about that.

Hey, champ!

How you doing back there, buddy?

Do you want to high-five?

High-five!

You still uncomfortable around kids?

Yeah.

So, I guess we're gonna have some X-rated fun, huh?

What does that mean anyway?

Mm, well, that means, uh, that we're gonna have extreme fun,

like, uh, X Games, you know?

It'll be fun, I promise.

See? Wow, look, they got balloons.

Look at that.

Pizza Possum?!

This place is for babies.

Listen, here's 20 bucks for quarters.

Make sure you ask for my buddy Eddie.

He's the guy in the giant possum outfit.

He's gonna hook you up

with a free pass to the ball pit.

I thought I was hanging out with you today.

We are. We just did. We did the whole car ride over here.

Remember when we turned on the AC together? Wasn't that fun?

Okay, anyway, look, I'm gonna be back in exactly two hours.

Unless, of course, Misty accepts my marriage proposal.

In that case, have a nice life, don't forget to brush.

See you in two hours.

Ah.

Okay, so I've analyzed

the past 40 years of pop music,

and I've identified the most common words

and phrases used in number-one songs.

They're all here, from "love" and "pain"

to "baby" and "rock it."

All we need to do is combine these words

into something fresh and new,

and the Jonas Brothers will be smelling our farts.

Maybe we should just call our band the OCDs.

(forced laughter)

You know, Brandon, I really think

it's comments like that

that completely undercut my authority,

and that's not good for band cohesion, okay?

(laughs loudly)

That's a good one, Brandon.

(grunting)

Barbecue, check.

Impulsively purchased talking level, check.

AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: I am not level. Uh-huh.

The only box that remains unchecked--

epic adventure. Yes!

There he is. There's the guy

that put sweatpants on a giraffe.

Oh, God.

I forgot my ticket. What?

Angela's gonna find a ticket that says porn on it!

This is like a ticking time bomb. No. No, it's not,

because we are the bomb squad, my man, all right?

That little nun on the church bus couldn't stop us,

and neither will this!

Saddle up, Pancho!

Go!

(tires squealing)

RON: Is it breezy in here?

It is.

You're back quick.

Yeah. Yeah, I missed you.

No. Seriously, we, uh... we forgot

to measure the space for the barbecue, so...

Measure the space, and...

(Ron clears his throat)

Oh! Angela, listen, do you think

you could maybe get us a little lemonade?

I am parched.

Glenn, are you parched?

I'm a little parched. Listen to that.

You know where the refrigerator is.

I'm guessing you know where every refrigerator is.

Oh! Zing!

Please, honey.

It's my birthday.

Oh, for crying out loud.

I was going to tell you!

Tell me what?

About a new way to make lemonade.

But it's really

complicated. Yeah.

It's easier if I just do it myself.

Of if I... if I... No, I should.

Hey, what are you doing?

What? Nothing.

I was just curious about what you're reading.

Yeah, I don't think you'd like it.

Nothing rhymes or pops up.

Hey, I read, okay?

I'll have you know that I'm in a book club

that is currently reading The Fanciness of Loving.

So...

Hey, Angela, listen,

while I have you out here, I just would like to thank you

for letting me hang out with Glenn on his birthday.

Ron... Ron, get off of me. It's really

We don't hug. What are you... What are you doing?

I know. I know. Why is that?

Why don't we hug?

You know, I think for me, it's a combo of being shy

and intimidated

by the exotic allure of your native country.

Wisconsin, Ron-- I was born in Wisconsin.

Wow. Wisconsin. That's amazing.

That's... You have no accent

whatsoever. That's...

God bless this melting pot we call America.

U.S.A. A-OK, right?

Oy!

Oh.

(clears throat)

You were great out there.

Oh, thanks. You, too, man.

The way you ran inside and did nothing-- that was awesome.

Really? Yeah. All right, hey, listen, since we're so close,

why don't we swing by my house and get some munchies?

You pay through the nose for those porno snacks.

BRANDON: Dude, I just think we need

to turn off our brains and jam a little bit.

Let the music come to our fingers.

What are we, wizards? Come on, Brandon.

Statistically-speaking, my lyrics have to be correct.

840 hit songs can't be wrong.

Are you getting this, Quan?

"What are we, wizards?

Inaudible.

"840 hit songs can't be wrong.

Are you getting this, Quan?"

GARY: Thanks.

I knew it was a good idea to have a band secretary.

Hey. Hey, Ron, listen, could you help us out?

What do you think? One of us believes

that we should write songs by pulling music out of our asses,

and the other has engineered an exquisite composition

with a 95% confidence interval.

But I want you to be objective,

so I'm not gonna tell you which one of us did which.

Okay, all right, hurry up-- I'm bored already.

Plus, I left Robby in a hot car,

and I can't remember if I cracked a window.

(clears throat)

Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That's the weekend.

Mm. We drove fast and fell in love.

Then you lied to me.

And my life died to me.

My heartache cuts like a... mm, mm.

My heartache cuts like a yeah, yeah.

My heartache cuts like a...

Knife! Your heartache cuts like a knife.

How did you know? Mm.

Want to hear mine? No. No need. Go with Brandon's.

(engine revving on video game)

Get out of the road, you stupid priest!

Hey, you must love this game.

You've been playing for a super long time.

Let's give somebody else a turn.

Yay for fun and sharing!

You've made a big mistake.

(fist thuds) EDDIE: Ooh!

All right, Glenn,

we got snacks to the max, boy.

(ringtone playing) Oh, hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Uh. Oh.

Hey, Eddie. What's up?

EDDIE: Hey, Ron.

Buddy, you got to come pick up your kid.

He kicked me in my possum pouch.

RON: Hey, listen, Robby.

I'm really sorry about today, okay?

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Right after we get back from the thing you can't come to.

Whatever. Hey, hey, listen.

While we're having fun, you get to have fun, too!

Okay? You get to sit in the parking lot

and, uh, play with the radio--

any station you want-- you're in total control.

That's fun!

Huh? See?

Got it under control.

Except for you are driving way too slow, grandma.

Let me drive.

No way. Let me drive.

No.

Let me drive! Mm-mm!

Okay, fine, then I am just going to do this.

What are you...?

(Glenn screams)

(screaming)

Go, Ron, Go!

No, Ron, no!

Get your foot off the pedal!

(siren wailing)

Oh, great, Ron.

It's your theme song.

Anyone got any questions?

Yeah. I have one.

How come everybody else gets a real instrument

and I have to play these stupid things?

Hey, you had your shot.

Now we're gonna do it my way.

The fun way.

Bass, give me something

upbeat in G.

Yeah, I like that. Drums, lay down

a beat to that.

Okay, keyboard, fall in with some chords.

Something kind of syncopated with Mr. Bass.

Yeah. That's good.

Gary, a little less.

Even less.

Still less.

Screw this! I quit!

(sighs) Great.

Now we have no maracas player.

Dude, you gotta switch seats with me.

Angela will kill me if I get a ticket.

Mm-mmm. No way, man!

I get any more points on my license,

I go into double digits. Forget about it.

Come on, man! Switch!

No!

Hey.

Don't just stand there. Go get the driver!

He got away!

(both groan)

(laughs)

Bad boys, bad boys

Whatcha gonna do?

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

DISPATCHER:: All units, bank robbery in progress at 150 North Stone.

No way I'm missing that for this.

Get in here. Come on.

(high-pitched groan)

Okay.

You boys sit tight.

We'll be right back.

Oh, that's it.

I'm dead. Ugh, great.

We're gonna be stuck here all night.

Not necessarily.

Right on Russell Avenue. Left on 14th Street.

Three stop signs, then yield.

Then merge.

(tires squealing)

How the hell do you know how to drive?!

Video games.

Every kid knows how to drive.

You just don't let us.

So, how many lives do I get in this car?

One!

Only one! One life!

ROBBY: All right, all right.

See, I told you somebody here would have handcuff keys.

(groans) Did I tell you to speak?

No, ma'am. Okay.

We're here.

Not a lot of time, but we're gonna make it, okay?

Hey, what, what are you doing?

Why aren't you in the car?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, man. No, no, don't worry about it.

It'll take two seconds. Come on, buddy, let's go.

Hey. Hi.

My kid needs to go to the bathroom.

Do you sell like, uh, children's tickets?

Yeah, of course. They're half price.

Good.

And each kid gets a complimentary booster seat,

so they don't miss any of the nudity or sex.

RON: Uh-huh.

A simple "no" would have been fine.

Uh, okay, uh, that's it.

I don't have time for this. I'm gotta go.

No, no, no, no. What-what do you mean?

We're here! We did it! We're here!

Glenn, stop! Look, look.

Misty Rose is inside that building right now. Okay?

You can still make it back in time.

Your birthday can still be epic.

Remember who we are.

I know who we are. I'm married,

and you're some sort of dad.

Well... Okay.

We can't act like idiots anymore.

Yes, we can. We have to.

If we can't act like idiots, then who are we?

Right? I mean, who cares? So you're a little late

for your boring birthday dinner with Angela.

Whatever. It's not just dinner with Angela, okay?!

What?

It's a party. Okay?

It's a whole party with a bunch of people from work.

There's a party.

Aha, I get it, Angela wouldn't let you invite me, right?

You know, dude, I know you love her, you married her and everything,

but she is just... It wasn't her.

It was me.

What? You didn't invite me?

You wouldn't fit in with those people.

What? They're normal.

They work 9:00 to 5:00.

They don't get arrested on the way to porn conventions.

Oh, come on, you love porn.

You're just--

you're more of a weekend friend.

Okay?

I've been downgraded to a weekend friend?

What, what is it?

You don't think I can hang with your

insurance salesmen buddies?

You think I'd embarrass you?

Yes, I think you'd embarrass me.

Fine, okay, fine! You know what?

Go to your stupid party, Glenn!

Better hurry up before

someone sees us together.

Okay? Chop-chop, go.

Fine, I'm taking the car.

You won't have any fun without me!

I won't have any felonies, either!

ROBBY: Hey!

There's my principal.

Mr. Peterson, over here!

Mr. Peterson! (Ron shushing Robby)

No, a Western omelet has bell peppers,

onions and diced ham.

No cheese. You're thinking Denver, buddy.

Western always has cheese.

Glenn, you're an omelet guy. What do you say?

You guys ever been handcuffed in the backseat of a car

being driven 90 miles an hour by a seven-year-old?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Awesome night. I like driving.

Well, I'm glad somebody had fun.

Don't let Glenn ruin your night.

You've got to shake it off.

Easier said than done, buddy.

Sounding good.

Sounding good.

(band stops playing except drums)

(drums stop)

(maracas rattling)

What? I thought you quit.

Come on. We're in a band.

Tempers flare.

It's all part of the process.

Gary, don't make this weird.

You leaving the band was tough on all of us.

I was just trying to take us in a new direction.

I have a direction for you:

exit, stage left.

What did you just say?

What did he just say, Quan?

Andy said, "Exit, stage left."

Well, then, take this down, Quan.

You guys are total...

I'm sorry. I'm not supposed

to take down words of non-band members.

Oh, my God.

I made you secretary.

You guys suck!

(door slams)

Two, three, four...

(band resumes playing)

Thanks. Don't be sad.

I found us a ride home.

What?

Oh, my God.

You're Misty Rose.

Hi. You must be Ron.

Hey, I'm Ron.

Yeah. Your son's very cute.

No, you're way cuter than he is.

Uh, h-how'd you meet my son?

Oh, he was peeing on my car.

Attaboy. (clicks tongue)

Just like I taught him.

What are you doing? You can clean up after.

(sighs) I should've invited Ron.

Are you kidding?

You know he would've ended up just embarrassing us.

No, I don't know that.

Ron's not like that anymore.

He's grown up a lot. And if he were

here tonight, he certainly wouldn't embarrass us.

RON: Hey-oh! Who's got

the prosciutto, because Misty brought the melons!

Happy birthday, Glenn.

Ron, I-I just want to say

that I'm really... I made a huge mistake.

But first...

Misty Rose...

do you remember a letter from a Glenn Sklar?

Oh, God! I can't believe I'm talking to...

...to Misty Rose! Believe it.

Who is this woman? I have no idea.

MISTY: Oh, wow!

Whose Precious Moments figurines are those?

Those are mine. Oh, my God.

Aren't they the sweetest?

I just bought "Delivering Smiles

is the Best Gift Ever," but I think

"An Act of Kindness Makes All The Difference"

is probably my favorite.

You've got "Act of Kindness"?

I would kill for an "Act of Kindness."

Well, I could give you my dealer's number.

Really?

That's so nice of you.

Do you, uh... (clears throat)

Do you want to see the rest of my collection? I'd love to.

Yeah? All right. Come on.

You know, I've seen you somewhere before.

Did we work together?

I don't think so. You'd remember.

(laughter) Oh, my God.

Dude, you did it.

Misty Rose! I know.

I'm just glad I got to give you a proper birthday, buddy.

You know? It's going to be hard to top that one, huh? Oh, man, you know what?

You can embarrass me anytime you want.

Anyway, um...

I'm sorry I called you a "weekend friend."

Yeah.

I'll, um...

I'll see you Monday.

What?

You heard me.

Monday.

That's a weekday.

Where's your band now?

They left.

About 45 minutes into our jam,

they realized I only know one chord.

What are you doing?

I'm going over Quan's notes

trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Maybe I pushed too hard.

Here, around minute 27,

but "I'm not an emotionless robot."

Wait a second...

Say that again.

(auto-tuned): I'm not an emotionless robot.

Yeah. That sounds really cool.

Okay, I'll play my chord and you keep going.

(auto-tuned): I'm not an emotionless

Robot... I don't have

A stick up my butt

I'm not a pretentious jackass

And I know how to keep my mouth...

When the hell did you say this about me?

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